Comments Made During the Contest

Alex Hollister (Level 4)

As with all these, it's well written. The dialogue rings true. But the story does nothing for me. It's kind of a revenge story against litterers, but it doesn't really base the things that happen in any context. Our frail old man is some kind of demon, but there's no foreshadow for that. No moment where something the old man does prior suddenly can be seen in a different, more sinister light.

The word integration is mostly sort of perfunctory. Nothing overly inventive.

So really, despite being written VERY well, it gets a- FAIR.

Austin Jones (Level 4)

So this ISN’T a silent movie right? Just the first line so you can use the word movie? I also think your use of “poet” is kinda just flung in but it sticks out. Your narrative is good and the piece is very visual but the reversal at the end could be set up more I think. As an audience I don’t get the feeling that the old man is in danger to be surprised with his transformation. The old man is too casual so I know something is coming and since it is the old v. the young set up I expect the old guy to do something unexpected and the Cyclops eyes is not very original, ya know? Also, I think you have a few typos. Cleaver play on “take out the trash” but I just feel like you could have come up with something more original in the reversal. Good job.

Byron Matthews (Level 4)

I'll be perfectly honest with you; I was not expecting that kind of story. You paited a very nice description of nature, and I was able to imagine what you were descrbing.

There are a few sentences that probably could use some rework. Also, it's a bit unbelievable that Jed would suddenly attack Leo, but then again, crime doesn't make sense to begin with so who am I to judge.

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus)

Love how this opens, really nice scene. You surprised me. It takes off in a much different direction than I expected.

I like the old man's coolness, reminiscent of Clint Eastwood, but I find the kid's actions over-exaggerated and pretty unbelievable.

Your use of the words "movie" and "poet" seem forced - like it is done only because the words are required. "A silent movie" didn't make a lot of sense to me as it was used. A can flying into a pristine lake does not seem like "poetry in motion".

This line took me out of your story:

"spins Leo round and rams of his arms up behind his back..."

The biggest issue I have with this script is that there is no explanation whatsoever about what exactly the old man is. A garbage superhero? There is no point of reference, so his talents appear made up to move your story along. Really think you need to develop this one more and give it a rewrite.

Good luck.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

This is fun. I knew Jed was going to pay for his ways, but I didn't anticipate Leo transforming into a monster and I'm not sure that I like it. I wish there was another way for this old man to get the better of this young man.

It's not that big a deal, but the use of "movie" and "poet" both feel a little forced and there are a couple of typos.

I think this has potential, but the story needs a bit more depth here.

Christina Anderson (Level 4)

I like how you worked the title in.

It's not a busy script. Not a lot happening (which isn't necessarily bad--the slow pace fits the story line), it could use some foreshadowing--something odd about that first scene to create a little suspense (like the fisherman that's watching the road for litterbugs instead of the lake).

Dave Kunz (Level 4)

There's some excellent writing in this script but I had trouble with it at several points. I never understood what Leo did to cause Jed to go after him. And since Jed's character consisted of just one note (angry) there wasn't much reason to care or become engaged. The conflict felt arbitrary and not very credible. Jed, as far as I could tell, was simply there as a cardboard cutout target for Leo's supernatural powers.

I think if you're going to have a character like Leo you need to introduce his super hero powers earlier, or at least suggest that he have extraordinary powers. Otherwise it feels like a cheat when he suddenly has the power to turn Jed into a pile of dust. It's a surprise and a twist but, for me, it felt unearned. I enjoyed a lot of the descriptions of the setting and action (although "vicious flick knife" took me out of the story) as well as the final bit with the trash can, but not much else.

David M Troop (Level 4)

Really? You're going with this?
Relax, take a deep breath. Remember the three K's of reviewing.
Kindness. Konsideration. Karma.
Okay.

Take out the trash

I really liked your script. I thought you set up the premise very well. I liked the contrasting scenes between Leo, the tidy old man at the peaceful lake and Jed, the sloppy young thug in the loud car.
I liked both characters and the build up was very promising.
I wasn't too crazy about Jed threatening the old man with a knife, but it kind of was inevitable I guess.
I thought you had a strong message. Man vs. Nature. Pollution is bad. Save the planet. It is better to be at one with nature than to be an a-hole...
But when Leo transformed into Leonatron... that may have been a tad too wacky.

I get the joke at the end. I get the serious overtones.
I guess I just expected more.

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

All of that for a gag? Really? There was more story to be explored in my opinion. Oh well, the writing was very descriptive, very visual, albeit not much happened until the confrontation.

I thought the special effects were cool, and I do like the message. Good job, and good luck.

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

I'm not too crazy about the title but the story was entertaining. Please proofread. On page one, “A beat-up car careers along too fast.” I believe the writer means: “A beat-up car careens too fast.” Also on page one, “fast-food-fuelled.” Fuelled should be fueled.”

Fred Koszewnik (Level 5)

An imaginative and unusual story with a humorous and satisfying resolution (And a spot on title) that merits a GOOD rating.

My best criticism is that in spite of the supernatural elements, the storyline feels too direct and too straightforward. There doesn't seem to be very much complexity or depth in the characters or the storyline.

Also, "A silent movie" followed shortly by PLOP.
"Muted tones" of morning mist

What do these mean?

Hope this criticism is useful. Continued good success.

Gary Rademan (Level 5)

silent movie
poetry in slow motion

I liked the "teach the punk a lesson" moment with the flick blade but was surprised at Leo's morphed reaction.

GOOD

James Hughes (Level 5)

This was set up well, was wondering what was going to happen. But the outcome for the young man was anticlimatic for me because is was so quick and complete. A more real world win for the elder would resonate more.

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

A silent movie - what does that mean?

Approaches not approaching.

Why is there a explanation mark at the end off wrapper?

I don't understand your actions. "Poetry in slow motion?" So far the two requirements where the only things that didn't make sense in your script.

So this whole film is in black and white? Is that why you emphasized the red? Oh... okay. I guess...

Shut not shutting.

I don't get the slang. Very hard to follow. "yay! Got it one pops" What is Jed talking about?

I don't get it. I mean, I understand that Leo is a monster and he kills bad people. But why? What is Leo's motivation?

This read more like a scene out of a larger picture rather than a short. Should have used the extra pages to explain Leo and his behavior.

Clever title.

Jordan Littleton (Level 4)

Title: 3
Story: 5
Originality: 3
Action: 5
Dialogue: 5
Readability: 7

This was well written but it was just an average story. It was a little difficult to get past the slang, but that's just because I'm not used to it. There was one word that didn't seem like it belonged: Page 2, "...spins Leo round and rams (of) his arms up..."

Kevin Carty (Level 4)

careens not careers. Anyway, I'm glad that I read something different. An environmentally conscious script. I like it but I felt like taking an entire page for to set up the surroundings was a bit much I'd shorten it and get to the point. The story was simple but the message was clear. Don't be a litterbug or father nature will heat vision you to death. Good.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

It was fun to read. Could be a good idea to set up for the man having powers, otherwise it took me a bit off guard. Not sure though - I liked it a lot - I think it's no less than Very Good.
Very nicely written - the writing stands out even in this pile of champions' scripts!
You know what - an old man having powers and using them to protect environment - it's my another Excellent.

Kirk White (Level 5)

well written and paced. nice payoff. This borders on PSA territory but I thought it was a fun read.

Kisha King (Level 4)

I like how at the end of the story it tied in with the title because I really didn't see where this story was going.
I wish the interaction with Leo and Jed lasted a little longer.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Terrific visual material at the lake. The trees "reflected in still water" and the "silver droplets" of water from the splashing fish set the scene really well. Character descriptions are colorful too.
The personalities of the senior-citizen fisherman Leo and the "arrogant...fast-food-fueled" Jed provide good contrast. Wonder whether Leo's abrupt transformation as he "grows in stature and beams of red light shoot from his eyes," reducing Jed to dust, works. There seems to be enough tension between the two that the infusion of supernatural may not be necessary.
Catchy title.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

The first paragraph says this is a silent movie. But it isn't, clearly, which is initially confusing to the reader. You probably meant that the movie was silent until it wasn't, in which case you shouldn't have said it was a silent movie at all. Why not just say something like "The silence is peaceful" and leave it at that?

The suddenness of Leo's transformation is odd, and the bludgeoning of the trash moral is a little over-the-top. The writing of this script is good, but the story is rather offputting. Apparently Leo is justified in incincerating anyone he doesn't like because they litter? This story, in its unexpected and unjustified randomness, reminds me of those The Lazer Collection shorts on YouTube.

Lee Carlisle (Level 4)

There were a noticeable amount of typos, but the rest of the writing was nice and evocative - got the impression you just weren't able to give it a final read before submitting. Nice, if simple conflict. Jed was a bit too one note for me - why was he going to the lake? Just to throw stuff on the ground?

Leos change was a bit of a deus ex machina - though an entertaining one. There was a nice simple karmic message to the piece, but I was left wanting a little more substance. The characters were a bit too broadly drawn for me and the conflict resolved too neatly.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

This was pretty cool. What was Leo though? He transformed into something, I guess we don't need to know what or why but not knowing anything and just having him change out of the blue made it feel random.

Jed was a complete a-hole and got what he deserved. You made him out to be so awful that it was easy for us to want Leo to kill him. Jed was a totally one dimensional villain though. They're pretty easy to create so for me he was sort of lacking something.

To me the given words 'movie' and 'poet' felt like they were just thrown in there. Like this piece may have already been written and you threw the words in to fit the challenge. Not saying that's what happened but it came across that way.

Nice writing, a couple type-o's but nothing glaring. Easy to read.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

This was cool.

Some of your description is too much, for example, "a splash of redness in a gray world".

Good.

Matthew Fettig (Level 5)

I expected something like this story from your title. It strikes me more as the title of a skit though.

I liked the mood that was set with Leo fishing and how that contrasted with Jed and his noise and color. Oh, were it that simple to deal with people like Jed!

I re-read this to see if you gave any hint that Leo had this super power but I don't see anything. Without any reason for Leo that have that power, it just feels too much like a skit.

What would have been funny (maybe couldn't fit it into the 5 pages) would have been for Leo to behave as though he was growing in stature and shooting the beams form his eyes. Then he imagines picking up the other garbage, sweeping up the dust, etc.. Then we come back to reality, from Jed's point of view, and see the bulging eyes of Leo staring at Jed. Jed reacts as though he's dealing with a crazy old man and let's Leo go. Leo still has to pick up the trash, but now in a more dejected way.

A minor error - careers = careens at first country road scene. Also, it didn't bother me in the reading, But I expect you'll get comments about keeping everything in the present tense - splashes not splashing; approaches not approaching; etc..

Michael Cornetto (Level 5)

Good stuff.

I would have liked to have known a bit more about Leo, have a reason for his odd metamorphosis. Maybe he's a forest spirit or perhaps an alien - like at the end you can have his car rise into the sky - that would almost be enough for me - though I'd still want to understand his motivation.

Nice work, however.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

great characterisation and some wonderful visuals, you tell your story well and succinctly.

Not sure about the 'silent movie' line, it felt odd, as if you weren't sure of the craft, which obviously you are.

Very well written, I really enjoyed it, a little gem i think.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

Congratulations on your eligibility to enter this contest.

This is well written, and I appreciate the message and theme, but unless I missed it, what exactly is Leo? I know not everything has to be explained, though. The piece feels a little anticlimactic to me. A lead to B, then to C. Everyone got what they deserved and we all lived happily ever-after.

Your screenwriting is good; format appears in order; didn't detect any major typos.

Good.

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5)

This is a strong simple story that sets two conflicting characters against each other in a good location.

I wonder if there is a way to avoid the supernatural aspect of this because at the moment it seems to defuse the conflict a bit easily. If Leo kills Jed and burns his body in a fire pit you could have the same pay off as you have now.

"JED (18), arrogant youth, fast-food-fuelled" - Great character description.

Reginald McGhee (Level 0)

I have not notice any formatting errors, but I found a grammar error. The grammar error has to do with the sentence structure. The passage, “Jed reaches into his pocket and takes out a vicious flick knife, spins Leo round and rams of his arms up behind his back and holds the knife against Leo’s throat. Leo blinks,” is the sentence structure error. I think “Jed reaches into his packet, grabs a vicious flick knife from his pocket, spins Leo around, grabs him in an arm lock, and holds the knife against Leo’s throat,” is better.

Your characters’ names all sound too familiar, and sometimes I find it hard to see who is doing the action in the screenplay.

Two lazy people don’t get alone while fishing, then they start fighting (I don’t know why), then Leo reports Jed’s abandoning car, and Leo begins cleaning up the lake behind Jed. I don’t get it. What is the payoff here? Why were they fighting to begin with? What happened to the abandoned car? Did this story take place in a movie, where Jed watches the movie? I’m confused.

Your scene transitions are good and the time lapse is close enough.

I like the foreshadowing at the beginning of the screenplay, where you described the lazy ducks and lazy setting in the story.

I don’ think you can see an arrogant person on screen unless you show it in action.

Your dialogue is neutral and I can see the characters’ voices as they speak. Overall, this is a decent story.

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

Usually page one of a screenplay is not numbered. The silent movie bit i the opening felt like an afterthought to meet a contest requirement. Didn't flow well. I think you meant "careens" and "slows" instead of "slews." Sloppy wording and the poetry in the arc of a can flying was only slightly less obvious than the first contest-filling adjustment. Typos continue at the bottom of page two. It's a shame too because you have the drama and conflict between these two polar opposites. Leo's transformation was a big surprise. I loved how he corrected Jed's language but the ending sort of fizzled. Leo's powers are used for good and that's nice. We get that he's done this before by saying 'another' abandoned vehicle but what does Leo really want and why does he do this? Because he's threatened? Because Jed littered? It's a great twist and surprise that the old man can take the young punk but it's unfulfilling if we don't see why or how this plays out in the long run. The title implies the littering is the big issue but Leo's powers must lay dormant for quite some time waiting for punks to litter by the lake. I think you could have rounded this a bit more at the end. It felt rushed and sloppy at times. You can clearly write well. I'd be curious to see this rewritten outside the rules of the contest when you have time to commit to the open and close.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

I really like Leo. I think it's a little far fetched, I'd have preferred it if Leo had taken Jed down with no extra powers. That would have been fun to see him come up with a way to put Jed in his place.

But I do like Leo, he's a cute character and I enjoyed the story very much.

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

A quick, enjoyable read. A well-written, well-told story in only 3+ pages.

Nice job painting an idyllic country scene, rudely interrupted by a wild, menacing, burger-eatin' troublemaker.

A minor comment: In my opinion, it would have made the ending a little more satisfying if you had given us at least a hint who (or what) Leo is. Obviously, some otherworldy thing, but what? An angel? A demon? A wood nymph disguised as an old codger? You make it clear that he's done this before ("another abandoned vehicle" -- nice touch), so it would be fun to know why.

A couple REALLY minor comments: (1) You said Leo has a "flask of tea". If you show an old guy fishing, drinking from a flask, everyone will assume it's booze. If it matters to you, give him a "thermos of tea". (2) People like Jed don't say "effin". They either use the real word or something else equally crude. Terms like "effin" and "the n-word" are used to avoid offending peoples' sensibilities, and people like Jed don't care about other peoples' sensibilities.

No matter, just something to think about at polishing time.

Nice job.

My Score: Very Good.

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

Marvelous. Everyone should have at least one super-power. Fun ride, clever characters.

Tim Ratcliffe (Level 4)

This was okay, I think you'd benefit though from paring down your writing. There's a lot of instances where you've overwritten things here, in a way that doesn't really add to the script. It feels like it takes up until page three for anything to happen.

For example, the description of 'fast-food-fuelled' doesn't really have any relevance. It tells us nothing about him, and we see him eating fast food later so this is just redundant. It can't be shown on screen unless he is actually eating it while driving, but that's not what you've written.

Your very first sentence seems better placed for a novel, not a screenplay. Numerous instances of this. It's good to have your own voice as a writer, but this sort of description would become tiresome in a longer script.

There's a few other minor things that should be corrected, I won't go into those here. Nothing major.

The reveal of the old man being some sort of superbeing or whatever was unexpected, didn't really match the tone of the script though. Not sure what he was, as no explaation was given. I think you could have achieved a similar effect without the sci-fi element, but that's just my opinion.

The concept itself was decent enough, it just felt a bit like a one or two page skit stretched out to four pages.

Tim Westland (Moderator)

I don't really see the point of this story. It's an old man who is actually a demon or something? But was there a message, a plot or theme? I could not find one. I just don't get it.

Craft-wise, its fairly clean. Could be tightened a bit.

Which leads me to this: You had a page and a half more to give me more story... to flesh things out... to provide that which is missing. I think you missed an opportunity.

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus)

I'm having a hard time commenting on this script. I keep deleting my criticism - and I think it's because I felt it was ho-hum. It went along without any surprises and didn't really engage me at all. While Leo was more interesting, Jed was a very stock character without any real dimension. I guess I wanted something different, a different ending? A different Leo other than what he turned into and retreated? I don't know - if seemed a bit extreme as far as trash and the fact that his old man keeps "taking it out".

William D. Prystauk (Level 5)

I was often waylaid by misspellings and missing words. However, the old man turning into some sort of a death machine came out of nowhere. There was no setup and this surprise left me scratching my head.

Sorry, but this one just didn't work.

Comments Made After the Contest

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5) ~ 4/1/2012 12:57 AM

I loved this - a spin on these supers stories, where the super is aged, but still at it! Can see it filmed.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus) ~ 4/1/2012 1:22 AM

Thanks, Kham! It means a lot.

I'm still trying to find these 'typos' and 'misspellings' :)

(To career. Verb (intransitive) To move swiftly on. To rush in an uncontrolled way.)

MJ Hermanny (Level 5) ~ 4/1/2012 4:50 AM

I really liked this too!