Comments Made During the Contest

Bill Clar (Level 5)

Original title. Obscure, but original.

Jack speaks twice at the end of page one.

You have a lot of "widows". A single word that takes up an entire line.

If Jack wants to survive, he should drop the saddle. It will slow him down. It will also be tough for the actor to manage with both hands full.

Not much of an ending. We don't see Jack die. No conflict or battle.

Byron Matthews (Level 4)

The suspense is there, but I need just a little more. I'm not saying that you have to use the entire five pages, but at least, give us a glimpse or show the animosh in some way. Basically, the opening and closing scenes are the same exact thing except the character roles are switched. There are format and grammar mistakes. Concept is solid; execution could use some work in my opinion.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

Interesting title!

I wasn't sure why, after engaging Ahiga in polite conversation, Jack suddenly smashed him in the temple. It didn't seem credible.

I enjoyed this story as far as it went but it seemed to fizzle out unconvincingly.

You had space to make more of it!

Chris Setten (Level 4)

Interesting subject matter and you did a good job of bringing both the time and atmosphere to your script. Some of Jack's dialogue was on the nose and those ideas could be conveyed in a more cinematic way. The ending was a disappointment as there was no real surprise aside from Ahiga's surviving a beatdown. The end of Jack was predictable as we were routing for Jack's comeuppance given his psychpathic behavior.

Christina Anderson (Level 4)

So, what's this word Animosh? I don't feel it's much of a story if the plot isn't obligated to address/explain the title...

I'd like to see more ACTIVE signs of animal activity-- eye glints, rustling grass, a growl; footprints can be old...and what would that look like in a grassy prairie?

"dressed as a gentleman" -- a Yankee or a Southerner, or maybe a Victorian-gent?... As it turned out, its not all that important to the story. Oh, why's he carrying his gun/saddle-- wouldn't it be smarter to hide those someplace and come back for them with a fresh mount?

The Hounds-- are these supposed to wild animals or spirit walkers... A- scouts out the footprints, so I guess the Hounds are problems for them both, but isn't there a way to clarify that (like A- having done something to protect himself that to us/JB looks ridiculous?)

Christina Kishpaugh (Level 3)

The dialogue is not formatted very well and in this case the less the better. Jack wouldn't be talking so much if he were by himself, his ridicule of Ahiga makes sense but the way he says it all is unbelievable. More little examples of his uncaring nature by his actions.

Darren Seeley (Level 3)

The script was working until p4 where you inform me that a character,Ahiga, is unconscious. Was he like this the whole time? He can't be. He has (mostly silent) reactions to whatever Jack says to him. Jack works as a eccentric character...but I'm wondering about why you selected not to write out another page. It has a conclusion I don't get. You could show me the elusive animal if you wanted.


Jack has two character headers p1; you could have saved some space my having a monolog with him.

Dave Kunz (Level 4)

Interesting setting and characters but there were some elements to this story that were a bit of a head scratcher. For one thing, what were the big black hounds that were on the prowl? Given the rest of the story it feels like an important element of the plot was left out. Also, Jack's lines at the bottom of page 1 and going into page 2 are an example of showing rather than telling. Also you give Jack two blocks of dialogue in a row (also at the bottom of page 1) when they should have been combined into one. This makes the writing appear sloppy and poorly edited, never a good thing.

David Serra (Level 4)

Feels rushed and is two pages short of a five page script.

Although the vice versa ending was cool I think this needs to be fleshed out more.

Overall, Fair.

Eric Boshart (Level 2)

I've always been a fan of westerns, for they always have a form of savagery that is unique only to this genre. I gave it an "Excellent" becaus eof the barbarity and the lawlessness that this script gave off. I imagined a silent wasteland with only these two people and the hounds. The idea of natural selection with humans is something that is intriguing. I wish you would have described the appearance of Jack a little more, but I enjoyed the script very much. Also, at the end, the map being swept in the air really contributes to the ruthlessness of the land. Well done!

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

The story was easy to read but did not have much punch at the end. Well written but a bit boring.

On page one, “Jack starts to laugh.” Suggest the writer just write: “Jack laughs.”

At the bottom of page one there are two dialogue segments for JACK. Why not just make it one long dialogue? Or put some action in between the two pieces of dialogue.

Gary Rademan (Level 5)

A rifleman meets an injured Native American.

ENDING: Solid. I could feel the NA as he limped to retrieve his knife back from the dead rifleman in a bit of frontier justice. He was wiser from the encounter with the hounds. Proper use of FADE OUT and THE END.

VG

Kenneth Hurd (Level 4)

It was good to see that Ahiga was the one left standing in the end. With Jack, you have a character that I cared absolutely nothing about, but I guess that was sort of the point of his character. I do wish you would have used the extra few pages you had to expand the story some more. As it reads now, there's no real turning point in the story. Jack just gets killed. You could have shown us Jack's death scene, or shown us Ahiga when he killed the hounds. I think there are a number of things you could have done to expanded this. As it is right now, it feels a bit incomplete.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

It's very interesting. You build up the suspense very well, I think. The ending is lost on me - at first I thought that animals were Ahiga or at list Ahiga was their shepherd or something. But in the end - he just knows how to avoid them, which means he didn't set Jack up to die for knocking him (Ahiga) out and leaving to die in the prairie like that.

Kisha King (Level 4)

I really like the fact that you came up with a really good story that is intense, intriguing, funny, and has mystery surrounding it and you only have three pages.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Terrific description in this western. Love the mental images of the prairie location, the physical appearances of Ahiga and Jack, and the wind carrying the map away "into the clear blue sky" at the end.
Jack's dialogue is well done. Could omit the reference he makes to his rifle since it's been mentioned that he's pointing a rifle at Ahiga.
The story doesn't explain the title, "Animosh," nor what Ahiga means when he says, "Animosh. Makade Animosh." The title's obviously from the story, but it seems that Jack turning on Ahiga, then ending up dead is a more important element.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

I like that you didn't try to extend it to five pages but knew to end as soon as the story was done.

I know it's difficult to write a one-sided conversation like this, but I think you did it very well. Jack is still slightly sympathetic.

Excellent.

Mike Senkpiel (Level 4)

I really liked this. The ending was a bit abrupt and I would have enjoyed a few more pages, but what you've done here is really nice work.

The Jack character was developed nicely through dialog. And of course I had to google the Ojibwe words. Good job!

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

great start to this, wonderful characters and kind of creepy atmosphere.

And then it ends really abruptly. I also wasn't sure what the map was about and how the Indian survived.

Some good descriptive writing in places and an original take on the brief.

Olga Tremaine (Level 4)

sweltering heat - how is it shown on screen?
p.1 - you have Jack speak twice in a row (look at the bottom of the page you'll see what I'm talking about).
Good writing, I like Jack's lines.
Looks like it's not a modern day story. Maybe indicate that in the first scene heading.
I like this story, it's well balanced, good pacing, it felt like I was watching it.

Reginald McGhee (Level 0)

The formating, grammar, pacing, and the writing are all lean and clean, so is the descrition, which is visual.

Why do you have two seperate dialogue of Jack?

Two guys speak different languages but fail to communicate, then they both die in extreme heat. I guess by the animal description you showed us, this tells us that Ahiga has been attacked.

Technically, Ahiga didn't really interact with Jack. I know he doesn't understand English, but make the characters stronger and have him communicate with him in another way. The two strangers meet, but Ahiga isn't really a compelling character.

The only thing I wanted to learn more from this story is how did the two guys get there. In addition, if Jack is lost, how did he find the Prairie? Or maybe he just forgot how he made it to the Prairie.

You have a good message here. It has some emotional appeal. I just think they could done more action to survive, and you could use the last page to find a way to survive.

The dialogue is crystal clear, but I feel that the characters are underdeveloped.

Overall, I rate this as Good.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

Good job on finishing this and making sure you fulfilled the assignment. I think you've got a fair start to this story. What's missing for me is there's not real stakes for either of your characters. The meeting is quick, and then they head on their separate ways, only to meet again briefly when Jack dies. Your character of Jack, who I assume is the protag was just not very likeable at all. Someone has to be likable, dang it ")

Also you've got a formatting problem where Jack speaks three times in a row, you might want to combine his speeches.

I felt like there was something missing, I wanted some reason for telling this tale. I wasn't sure what kind of animal Animosh is, but I guess it kills people.

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

Very spooky and creepy, nice job with that. But I really think the story needs a little more detail and complexity. As written, it's simply this -- Jack, a mean and nasty guy, gets what's coming to him when he's killed by some black dogs. That's really the whole story. Where's the suspense? Where's the irony? It needs more.

You did a nice job painting a picture of a terrible encounter on a sweltering day in the desert, but I think you need more story.

My score: Good.

Comments Made After the Contest