Comments Made During the Contest

Bill Clar (Level 5)

No title page.

No DAY/NIGHT in the scene headers.

"is pins on a hat" Typo.

Can you give us a description of the Old Woman?

Gladys is in her 40s yet she talks and acts as if she's 80.

The numerous format and grammar errors make this a difficult read.

Byron Matthews (Level 4)

The opening line could really use some work. It's not the best start to the script. There's a lot of mistakes. I don't understand why some words are in parentheses. The overall idea of the story is pretty interesting -- it's a creative way to meet this month's goal. I couldn't get my mind to imagine Gladys as a forty year-old especially when her dialogue and mannerisms painted a much older woman. Now, I do understand that's the point at the end, but for some reason, it just felt off to me.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

This is very hard to read because it is so full of technical and linguistic errors. I'm afraid I haven't the time to go through them in detail - it would take too long. I urge you to read other screenplays so you can see how it's meant to be done and to get someone to proofread your work to correct errors.

Really, if you want your work to be taken seriously, you MUST address these issues.

I do like the story twist. Great idea, although I'm not entirely sure that a different aged version of oneself counts as being a stranger.

Chris Setten (Level 4)

I think this was a commentary on aging and its inevitability. There was some good writing here albeit somewhat prosey. The big block dialogue was a bit disconcerting and I'm not sure I believe a woman of 40 would talk to herself so much. I think you might improve things by adding more escalating tension.

David Serra (Level 4)

You have several grammical errors, absent words needed, and the story itself need a lttle more meat to it.

Otherwise this is a overall so-so piece.

Fair.

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

Was Gladys seeing herself in a full length mirror, this isn't clear to me.

This turned out to be a solo act, but would work much better if it were much shorter. Huge dialogue chunks from Gladys made this a heavy read, hard to get through. But the twist here is a hard one to pull off, and you did do it. So trim this and it will be fine.

No need to bold any text.

Eric Boshart (Level 2)

I didn´t enjoy this script for a number of reasons. First, there were quite a few grammar mistakes. This should never happen. It interrupted my flow of reading very much. Also, the concept was kind of boring, and when you talked of the scenes you never gave the time! I think it could have potential, maybe try going down a bolder route, have bolder dialogue and don´t get bogged down with the superfluous actions of the lady. Good luck on all your writings!

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

This script is very familiar to one that I initially tried to write... one person but two images. But I gave up and went to a different script.

There are some grammar problems. Example: (first sentence) GLADYS is pins on a hat.

Don't write what does not happen. Only write what does happen. Example: “Old Woman says nothing...”

Less is usually more. Example: “Gladys fixes her hair... it takes her much longer to walk the few feet back to the bed.” Consider instead: “Gladys fixes ... it takes her much longer to return to the bed.”

Proofread. On page 3, Gladys' dialogue: “I you're following me.” I think the writer meant “If you're following me.”

Gary Rademan (Level 5)

A forty year old woman sees herself as an old woman in a mirror

ENDING: Almost poignant. Didn't quite feel the character.

Writing needs tightening. For example, the opening paragraph: Hobbled and limps are the same thing. "is pins on hat" means what? The words "slowly" and "suddenly" seldom add anything and can be easily trimmed.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

Since it's her, Gladys, from the very beginning - I have to ask: are we supposed to see all the time different old woman which will blend with Gladys and become Gladys later?
I didn't understand that part - I think you didn't think it through. Otherwise it's a very nice idea I think.
You paced your story very well. The only thing to find someone to proofread your work maybe - too many mistakes. You could give her some other name and give her an accent. Make her toothless...
But a nice idea except I don't understand the logistics of the ending.

Kisha King (Level 4)

I feel like I need to reread this story. The story is ok. I wish that the story would of ended different because I could see this coming from the second page. Adding a twist to the story or even creating an arguement between the two ladies would maybe make it a little more interesting.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

A sad and tender story, especially considering that Gladys is only in her forties. Curious until the end about the old woman. Nice twist.
The bold text for headers and main characters is a personal favorite. Might receive some criticism for the trend, but it's consistent and makes keeping track of locations and characters really easy. Should have DAY or NIGHT in the first header (BEDROOM) to establish the time of day.
Some of the dialogue rambles in places and is too long. Condensing to two or three lines max would speed up the read. Trottier (Dr Format) prefers description to the term "beat."
The title fits, seemingly drawn from Gladys's inability to recognize herself.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

Your format is unfamiliar (ha ha). Sluglines should have "- DAY" or "- NIGHT" at the end (sometimes other times of day, if it's really important). You don't have to bold the characters' names. You don't have to put character description in brackets, but if you do I'd say you should use round brackets. There are some other mistakes ("GLADYS... is pins on a hat") that you can fix as well.

You have Gladys giving a massive paragraph of exposition about the history of the Bed and Breakfast. It's not clear how or if this is relevant or useful at all.

I also found the situation confusing. Gladys is in her 40s, yet talks as if she's elderly? In my experience people in their 40s don't usually break their hip. Maybe you reconciled that in the end, but I didn't quite understand it.

Mike Senkpiel (Level 4)

This had a pretty cool feel to it, but there were some typos and stuff that made it a bit difficult to read. I liked how the story unfolded through the dialog even though I wasn't always sure what was happening.

I liked this, but I wonder if the extra page and a half could have been used to make your point more clear.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

I found this moving but did guess what was going on because I was thinking early on 'gosh this writer really thinks 40 is ancient' - then it clicked what you were setting up.

If you can find a way to make that less obvious and tidy up a few typos and mistakes I think this would be a very powerful short and would likely get made quickly too.

Olga Tremaine (Level 4)

I don't know if I understood it right. Gladys is in her 40s, sees an Old Woman, who turned out to be old Gladys. Then Gladys transforms into her old self right before our eyes and falls asleep in the chair. There's something creepy about all this and intriguing, but I don't understand why she transforms. She just seems crazy and old (even though she's in her 40s, and forties is not old!!)
I don't know what to think about this story, it's very confusing to me.

Pete Barry (Level 5)

I like the twist of the old woman seeing herself from the outside, through the eye of the younger woman. I knew that something was coming, but I admit the particulars surprised me.

There are quite a few grammatical errors, with missing words in phrases. It comes across as if English is not your first language; if it's not, I'll give it a pass, if it is, this needs some serious clean-up. The formatting isn't something I've seen before, with (beats) in the midst of dialogue and brackets around descriptions. Whatever the format is, you don't use it quite consistently.

I understood the ending, and I know it's hard to make the transition from a character who sees themselves one way, to a completely different version of the same character. This ending didn't make it easy to read, and came off a bit clunky. It takes courage to write long speeches, but there doesn't feel like there's much to motivate them.

It's a good start, and a rewrite might make all the difference.

Raymond Kwok (Level 3)

Not sure whether this one qualifies since there is only one character in essence. Also there are a lot of typos and mistakes, starting with the very first line. The subject matter is touching (albeit depressing and a bit predictable).I like the "dialogue" and thought it sounds very real.

Reginald McGhee (Level 0)

The formatting looks strange a little bit, and the pacing can be tightened up a bit.

This is touching story. A lonely lady talks to herself through he mirror. Description is good and visual, and the surprise ending was unexpected, which fits in the rest of the story.

However, the central conflict of the story could be strengthened up a little bit. I really don’t know what else I can say to improve on the central conflict, since you have only one character talking to herself. I think what could be stronger is if the woman has amnesia, she forgets who she is, her spirit comes out, and they begin talking to each other as if they don’t know each other.

The stakes or the message is high, but it can be a little higher than that. It just don't have enough story. The dialogue is real, and the woman’s character is believable, although we could have spent more time with her. You can show us why she is lonely. What happened to her family? Did they all pass away? These questions can help enhance the story. As it is now, this is a decent read.

I think this is a Drama story. With a rewrite, I think this would be Excellent.

Rustom Irani (Moderator)

This is more a slice of life moment than a structured narrative and there's little tension to keep me hooked throughout. It works that you've kept it to four pages as there's not much going on here.

As such, I think the dialogs are your strength and any actor would love to play Gladys with the situation you put her in.

Some of your descriptions and the "old woman" confuse me, because I'm not sure how you could pull this off visually without us not realising that it's an older version of Gladys.

As for the premise, I think she's remembering her past as she spends her final moments in a retirement home/clinic and imagines it as her bed and breakfast and finally dies lonely.

This needs some more clearer conflict, a heightened moment of tension and dare I say it, more characters.

As a two character short, it doesn't quite hit the mark because the stranger is her and both are familiart to each other, but I guess it works.

Polish this a bit and definitely get rid of the typos, especially the opening line of description.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

I gave this a good, because I liked the concept. The script and dialogue need work, but the story is sweet and heartbreaking.

I am not sure if formatting is a little 'off' It seems like it. But story matters to me most, so I really liked your story and with work, this could be very strong.

Nice job. Good effort.

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

I'm not sure I completely followed this. I guess it's a few moments in the life of a woman suffering from Alzheimer's disease (or some other form of age-related dementia). Very sad indeed, but I'm not exactly sure what happened. I think she saw herself reflected in various things (doors, windows, picture frames), and didn't recognize herself because she'd grown old, so she thought she was looking at someone else. If I've got this right, I would have to say that in and of itself, it's not really a complete story, it's just an illustration of her sad condition. It could be the basis of a very powerful and emotional story, but something more needs to happen.

Here's the main thing that led to my confusion -- the old woman. In order to keep up the mystery, you don't describe the old woman, you just lead us to believe there's a strange, silent old woman in the room with Gladys. Then in the dining hall. But this is a movie script. If we were actually watching the movie, we'd SEE that it's a reflection of Gladys. So, no mystery.

This script is pretty well written, and it could be a very emotional piece. But some of the kinks need to be worked out first.

My score: Good.

Comments Made After the Contest

Elias Farnum (Level 5) ~ 5/15/2012 1:26 AM

Yeah, I can tell you really know your craft.