Comments Made During the Contest

Ammar Salmi (Level 5)

Liked the joke. I liked how you told it in a clear way. What I didn't like is that you didn't add more twists to the story. It felt a bit flat. Even if it's based on a joke, you always need to add your own stamp to it. I wanted to see more than just seduction and Santa saying no. What if you gave him smart come back lines, what if you made her play a song or sing a song. The way you did it was a bit repetitive.

Bill Sarre (Level 4)

Ho ho ho indeed.

Nice to have a simple, lighthearted script. It was easy to understand, simple to film and whilst not that challenging a pleasant read all the same.

FF is a difficult one to crack and of those I have read, those that are based on a simple idea are the best, yours included. Almost comes across a sketch, mind you I was disappointed not to read the line, "but santa only comes once a year" etc etc

All the best

Byron Matthews (Level 4)

Wasn't bad, pretty comical. I actually enjoyed it. Short. Too the point.

Chris Setten (Level 4)

I think everything worked pretty well on this one. All was clear, well written and easily envisioned. I laughed at the punch line although I am a sucker for baudy, Chauceresque humor.

Chris Westfield (Level 3)

Quick, simple, very one note. Although might as well call this one Santa Baby by Marilyn Monroe. The descriptions were quick and got to the point. Some comedic tension with Santa trying to stay on track.

Christina Anderson (Level 4)

It sure did take him long enough.

Camera execution-- awkward. Why couldn't she just set the camera down and leave it there?

Christina Kishpaugh (Level 3)

I don't know that joke- I was thinking it was going to be mama kissing Santa Claus and she mistakes Santa for her husband dressed as him.

I guess I think it's weird because there a woman trying to seduce Santa Claus in a house that is obviously filled with children by the amount of toys he is setting under the tree. WORST MOM EVER.

Darren Seeley (Level 3)

Alright...I'm more than positive some folks are going to take a slam on this for the title page being part of the first. (and "the old joke" bit which shouldn't be there unless it is PART of the title)...and I wouldn't be any different. Just the title alone would be suffice for the challenge.

There's barely enough to see-- but the Christmas star topper is clearly lit - how else can it illuminate the tree? akso found the piece very awkwardly written. I guess I would have preferred a 'woman's voice' over a 'female's voice' and the description of 'Female' as opposed to 'Woman' if we are keeping with generic terms. Yes, it may not seem important but I'll give an example:

Female chuckles.

Woman chuckles.

Which sounds better while you read it?

David Serra (Level 4)

Of all the things to write about from a camera's point of view...

Santa Claus and some woman... On Christmas day...

What on earth were you thinking??

Derek Anderson (Level 4)

I'm sure everyone will nail you for this: but your title page is all wrong. All you need is your title "Ho Ho Ho" centered. And that's it for the title page. "FADE IN:" should begin at the top of a new page.

I'm guessing this is probably your first submission, so welcome!

On to your story...

Always capitalize a character when you first introduce them. On the first page SANTA needs to be in caps when we first see him.

"FEMALE VOICE (V.O.)" should be "FEMALE VOICE (O.S.)" for off screen.

On page 3, I couldn't help but to think "Wow, this family sure is getting A LOT of presents"

The punchline at the end didn't really do it for me. And I was confused with how to picture "His eyes fill with desire." That felt a little over-written.

Your craft is pretty good and will only improve from here. Keep writing!

Derek Collins (Level 4)

It's funny, what else can I really say? Good to see someone bring a sense of humor to this challenge, hard thing to do with the found footage theme. I think the only thing missing was a coca-cola overlay at the end because this could possibly be the greatest seasonal coke commercial ever. While I do love what you did, I just can't give you too high of a score for it, I mean you pretty much stuck to the joke word for word. Too many writers on here put too much of their time and effort into trying to create something new so I have to keep that in mind and judge accordingly.

Ethan Lane (Level 2)

I think I may have missed the point or some of the humor. To me, this read like the beginning of a porno. Or maybe a commercial for go daddy. Anyway, I'm not really sure why there would be "found footage" for something like this unless it was a sex tape. This is all just my opinion of course, but I didn't see the point.
Oh, and what are undressing sounds? Is she wearing things with lots of zippers? Anyway...

Fred Koszewnik (Level 5)

I can almost hear the drum roll at the end of your joke. BUDDA-BOOM!

You've certainly succeeded at telling a "bad boy" joke. And I wonder at
the wisdom of besmirching a beloved family icon. That written, you were
honest in introducing your screenplay as "Based on old joke." I just wish
that your characters had a bit more depth and development to them. Who is
this sexy vixon? Where's her husband? (Or am I reading too much into your
joke!) Be well.

Continued good success.

Gary Rademan (Level 5)

The HO HO HO turns into OH OH OH Santa. A strange holiday story. Had a playful vibe to it. A groaner for the ending on page three. Don't use ETC. in your action lines.

George Karydis (Level 1)

brilliant, I loved this short, good use of the hand held camera. I actually haven't heard this joke before but it's funny. I like the title as well.

Greg Tonnon (Level 5)

The title is a good choice.
Your craft is good (ad a period after Fade Out).
The dialogue is good, it is amusing and fun.
Your action lines are good, clear and concise.
I like this story, it is light and fun. Good job!

Jordan Littleton (Level 4)

Title: 3
Story: 2
Originality: 1
Action: 6
Dialogue: 2
Readability: 1

This wasn't good at all. It was riddled with format errors, boring repetative dialogue, and a cheesy punchline. I don't know the joke, but I get the punchline. This could have been a lot better.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

You said it's a joke and it's stayed a joke for me.
It's a funny one though. The flow could be better I think.
Somehow I wish there was more to it than just a joke.

Kirk White (Level 5)

not really sure what to do with this one. yes it's a classic and funny joke but I don't really see anything in this script that warrants a film. The joke is based on word play and as it stands this film, while cute I suppose, never really elevates the material above the source material. it feels more like a youtube sketch than an actual short film...sorry, I must give this one a poor.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

A scream! Never heard the "old joke." Pulled along, anticipating, and whammy. A great punchline!
May get comments about all the parentheticals, but they work here. It would be difficult to hear the escalation of the Female Voice without help from those wrylies.
A minor observation: did wonder whether Santa's dialogue should be limited to repeating the opening rhyme, "Gotta go. Gotta go. Lots of little boys and girls you know," and tweaking the final punchline to, "Gotta stay. Gotta stay. Can't get up the chimney this way." Just an idea.
Excellent. Thanks for the chuckle...

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

Do not put the title on the first page of your script. Create a title page that's separate from the script. Each page of a script should be approximately one minute on the screen, so reserve each page for story.

This is well written with no spelling or punctuation errors that I noticed.

I have no emotional reaction to this story, though. It's probably just me. My sense of humor is different.

Good work.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

Not really a story and you told us it was a joke on the first page. Not sure what to say about this one except it didn't really work for me.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

This is, as you point out, a one-joke script, but it's still a funny idea.

I don't really see the point of the found footage conceit here (apart from fitting into the contest, obviously), or why the female character would be filming.

Good.

Masoud Soheili (Level 4)

It has inducement enough in the story to push you to read it till end :)
So sexy and good written.
There is something inside this script that audience wants to see over the cam more than what happens in front of it . ;)

Just two questions:
1. Who is recording this video and why? I couldn't find a good reason for it inside the script.

2. Whats the tittle?how could it be related to the story?

Mike Senkpiel (Level 4)

So I guess this was ok as a joke, but not so great for me as a script. I could see where the short may be more engaging than the script, though.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

I wish you hadn't said this was based on an old joke, it kind of ruined it for me before I'd even read it. I would have enjoyed it much more if I wasn't waiting for the punchline.

This is ok, I don't really know what to say.

It would be easy to film and would make for a cute little Christmas movie. I think you should give more of a description of Santa so that we know he's the real deal, fat, jolly, white beard and then there's more humour in the sexy lady wanting him.

Strange entry!

Pete Barry (Level 5)

This seems more like a writing exercise than a script. I can tell that the dialogue was trying to be faithful to the joke (which I've never heard, but could probably reconstruct) rather than make any sense of the actual situation. As a dirty middle-school joke, I see it, but as a movie? Santa's been caught by a nymphomaniac! Isn't he the slightest confounded/alarmed/surprised?

I'm not sure the camera as "found footage" works, exactly, although I think I understand the idea of the lady trying to capture her exploit on tape. And the shoes flying at Santa are amusing, if predictable.

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5)

I might have missed the joke in this, either that or it missed me. Very little happens here and I'm not sure why this is a found footage story. For me it might have made sense to save this for the one page contest because single beat jokes work much better if they are delivered quickly.

She says his name sexily quite a few times and I'm not sure what the repetition is adding. Also, I'm not sure what you're expecting us to hear from the "O.C. Undressing sounds".

Raymond Kwok (Level 3)

Cute and well written. Never heard the joke before so it was a pleasant read. No mistakes. Just couldn't help wondering whether there could be a bit more to the story other than a one line joke.

Reginald Beltran (Level 4)

I liked the conciseness. The title is perfect for the story. I found it funny, but I was wondering why the woman didn't tape the good stuff. Make a video tape of herself and become bigger than a Kardashian? Anyway, I liked it.

Reginald McGhee (Level 0)

The story of a distracted Santa clause trapped in the love of someone else. The premise is cool, and I don’t know many scripts that has a premise like this, I think. The message is strong because some of us can relate to wanting love in some way (but I’m not fond of Sana ending up having sex with someone during his job, but I guess it’s possible).

What makes the dialogue real is the surrounding environment Santa Clause is going through. I mean, we see that he sounds nervous through his dialogue. We know that he want some from the woman by the way he speaks. The subtext is hidden until the end of the screenplay. this what makes a compelling story.

The description lines are visual. The external events happening in the story and the choice of words you use plays a good part in this story, especially for this type of story. At first, when I read this, I thought you were repeating yourself, and then I thought this would be a time traveler’s story because some action lines are repeated. I’m not sure if this is intentional, but it did work well.

The character development is my only concern. I feel that I did not spend enough time with the woman, so the character development is at a minimum. However, we don’t necessarily need to know Sana Cause’s motives because we can all identify with him. We sometimes are seduced into doing something as well as Santa Clause does. I just wish we could spend a little bit more time with the woman and Santa Clause to see how far this would go. After all, you only had two more pages to do this.

Rik Battaglia (Level 3)

Awesome! That was a hot holiday ho ho ho. Felt like I was reading penthouse letters. Thumbs up, and p*n*s up!! Nice! ;-D

Rustom Irani (Moderator)

I get the pun in the title and all the innuendo in the short, but frankly, this reads so much like a skit as compared to a complete short narrative and am glad you mention it yourself that it's based on an old joke, which is what this really is.

Very well written, I'll give you that, but am not sure if that's Mrs. Claus talking or one of Santa's slutty helpers?

I'm a bit confused by the location too and wish you had set that up.

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

Ho Ho Ho. Cute.

I think, though, that you've entirely missed the spirit of this "found footage" contest, because all you've done is shown us a screenplay version of this old joke, and reminded us a few times that we're watching it through a video camera. You could leave out all the video camera references, and we'd have exactly the same story. (Only we'd get to the punchline faster.)

Now, if it had been a hidden camera, and you had put a little twist at the end, e.g., the woman had used the footage to blackmail Santa (or something like that), that could have justified all the video stuff.

Otherwise it's just an old joke with a video camera inserted to meet the contest requirements. Still kinda cute and funny, but I think it missed the spirit of the contest.

My score: Good.

Shane Harkin (Level 3)

In terms of adapting that old joke into a screenplay, you've done well. Visually I think it could work. But since you're bound by such slight and limited source material, there's not much to say about it. I was hoping you'd deviate a bit from the joke for the punchline, make it more visual.

Travis DeStein (Level 5)

This was cute but I don't think itd really work as a movie. Nothing really happens here, we spend 80% of the time watching her strip step by step and then it ends in a simple punch line. Add some conflict or drama to make this interesting and I think it'll be a lot better.

Comments Made After the Contest

KP Mackie (Level 5) ~ 7/1/2012 12:46 AM

My only excellent this month.
Terrific job writing a funny piece, which isn't easy, not to mention adhering to the "found footage" prompt.
You got guts girl!

Reginald McGhee (Level 0) ~ 7/1/2012 6:30 AM

I'm surprised that the majority of the people didn't like this. I rated this as Very Good.