Comments Made During the Contest

Ammar Salmi (Level 5)

You sure handled the found footage style well. The dialogue felt also natural. My problem was with the story. He already saw Jane kissing her, so the big reveal Jane had for him wasn't a big reveal really. The ending also felt awkward.

Bill Sarre (Level 4)

A nice little love triangle story. A bit of confusion with the use of "we" etc versus the hat cam, all of which was describing the same thing.

I wasn't wholly sure about the end and him dying after a fall down some domestic stairs. How could Jane know that? If she didn't she intended to hurt him, which would come back to her. Would need a little tweak on that for me.

All the best

Byron Matthews (Level 4)

Hmm, I really not sure what to make of this story. I very much like the idea of a hat camera, but at times, it came off as confusing. I really wasn't sure what was going on especially on page two that scene just left me confused. Was Lisa confused about her sexual feelings? I really couldn't get a beat on her. Was she being forced into liking Jane? The characters could've used some development.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

It seemed to me that Bobby checking the hat-cam must not be from the POV of the cam?

It's peak of a cap, not peek.

Who we can't stop looking at??? Don't tell us what we are doing! We race after her? Please don't use 'we' - I'm finding it hard to read...

Bobby's hands on hat-cam? Ambiguous - I thought that again meant not from camera POV but perhaps you meant 'on the screen/viewfinder?'

You also say things that can't be seen on screen - we play it cool? Uh? Really TELLING not SHOWING.

I did find it very hard to visualise the action you are trying to convey. This is the first script I've read and I'm not sure if everyone has this problem. I'll reserve judgement...

Though the end had impact,I wasn't entirely convinced by his death.

Chris Setten (Level 4)

This is a clever idea regarding ecxecution of the FF theme. The writing was clunky in spots like: "a reserved girl who(m)we can't stop looking at" seems incongruous. You used "snaps" several times in a manner I'm unfamiliar with. I liked how you shocked me on P3 with your reveal of the nature of Jane's and Lisa's relationship. The transition suggesting Jane was going to toy with Bobby was not clear (bottom p3), I would tighten this. Overall, I had a hard time buying this as I think you need more backstory so that the audience can understand how a high school girl is capable of killing a classmate over jealousy.

Chris Westfield (Level 3)

An interesting premise that let me down at the end. I don't understand Jane's motivation for killing Bobby. It sort of came out of no where. The script is written well, the hat cam is difficult at times to picture but it worked overall.

Christina Anderson (Level 4)

Compelling. Great potential for a bigger story.

"The peek of a cap is in the corner as a hand puts the camera onto Bobby’s head." -- I've read and reread this, and I just don't understand what you mean.

I like Bobby's commentary-- Armpits acceptable. Since the hat didn't start out on his head, I'd have had him speak to the hat-cam before he puts it on.

Lisa. Lisa. Lisa.
This is why I think it could be bigger story. It's also why I don't runaway love it.
--AS IS I think she's a pawn character that lets this situation happen.
--however, there is a deeper story here-- what does Lisa think about this?

Crystal Kelly (Level 1)

The camera aspect of it was well thought out. I liked the idea of the hat camera. The title and the concept played well together. A teen who films his road to love. I was a bit confused at the mention of 'we' in the description area of the script. I was under the impression it was just Bobby filming it from his camera hat. I'm wondering who else was involved in the filming. Other than that the story was written well.

David M Troop (Level 4)

SPOILER ALERTS!

This would be a very good screenplay if it weren't for the two major spoil alerts.

I'm not sure why you included the first V.O. other than to tell us the ending of your script. It doesn't matter if I don't know the how, why, or who...I know the ending.
Why not just change the title to "Bobby Gets Killed."

And secondly, when Lisa and Jane kiss at the front door...that ruins the only surprise you have left! Why not let us find out they are lesbians when Bobby finds out?
And another thing. You don't think Bobby goes home, gets in bed, and watches his videos of Lisa every night "under the covers?" He would have seen the kiss on his video even if he hadn't seen it with his own eyes.

The hat-cam. At first I wasn't sure if the camera was duct-taped onto a baseball cap or what. Then, in the bedroom scene, the hat-cam is easily slung onto a desk. I assume that the camera is state-of-the-art and easily concealed. Which brings me to wonder if the characters know they are being filmed. From the reactions of the school kids and Lisa, I thought the camera was visible. They looked at Bobby weirdly or looked away.
But, if the camera was visible, it wouldn't be permitted in school. So, the responses to Bobby weren't about the camera, but about his geekiness.
Maybe a brief scene of how the camera was constructed may have helped. But that would entail another camera.

However, with all the issues I had, I still liked it.
It was well-written and I liked the characters and their little love triangle.

Bobby was too geeky at times. A sixteen-year-old boy with flowers and chocolates throwing himself at a girl in the middle of a busy school corridor for all to see-- well, that never happens much here on Earth. And if you know someone that happen to, or that's how you met your husband, I apologize in advance.

The scene in Jane's bedroom was good. And not only because of scantily clad lesbians. There's good writing going on as well.

Not sure why Jane pushed Bobby down the stairs. I'm sure he was heart-broken and going home to cry his geeky eyes out and erase all footage of Lisa. Was it to protect the lesbian secret? Is it such a big deal? Maybe Jane is just one of those psycho-lesbians you see in movies.

Well, this review could go on forever.

Overall, I thought it was GOOD. Next time, don't spoil the surprise.

David Serra (Level 4)

You broke the fourth wall several times by saying "we".

Nice ending, even though I saw it coming. I like it when a story we think will end happily ends in tragedy.

Good.

Derek Anderson (Level 4)

pg. 1 - "Bobby's electronics dominated locker" should be "electronics-dominated"... or probably just re-word because it reads clunky.

pg. 1 - "a few sneers at Bobby" should be "sneer"

"FLICKER OUT" -- loved that.

I would've liked better descriptions other than typical generic characters like "nerd" "hot girl" and "shy timid beauty"... those three are so worn and tired in scripts.

Your ability to guide us through the hat cam was really good. The story was a little slow to start, and a little cheesy in spots. However, the ending was really good and the craft strong. It's a VERY GOOD from me.

Derek Collins (Level 4)

There is a bunch of stuff in you scene headings that doesn't belong there. Stuff like play it cool, how am I supposed to SEE that? especially from the point of view of a camera on someones head, that is what you need to tell me. If we are on top of his head viewing what he sees how are we to know that his glances are uneasy? Don't tell us he looks away out of encasement use your writing to make us know it.

I think you played it a little fast and loose as far as what we would really be able to see from the hat cam also. But I liked the story, and felt it was pretty touching and it was refreshing to read one of these scripts that was a little more original and a little less Blair Witch Project. Overall good job.

Donnetta Williams (Level 3)

I enjoyed it. It was a teen, suspense, horror short film. In the beginning I didn't know what to think as far as the story line...plot. It was a great read, intriguing. Characters were believable, the story line was entertaining. I can see an audience being captivated by this whereas their attentions would be solely on the story until the very end.

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

A sad story but an original.

I did not like the use of the words “our” “us”, etc. but that just might be me.

Be careful of pronoun confusion. In this specific story, the word “she” could have been replaced with a name and been more clear.

On page one, “The peek of a cap is in the corner as a hand...”, this was confusing to me but made sense later on. Suggest that instead of “a hand” say “Bobby's hand.”

Use vivid verbs. On page 4, “... Lisa DOES school work...” Consider something like, “Lisa leans over a book... or Lisa scribbles on a piece of paper.”

Fred Koszewnik (Level 5)

The story idea behind your screenplay is a good one.
However, your use of written English needs a lot of work and correction. I strongly urge you to find someone who understands English grammar to proofread and edit your work. And sincerely hope this criticism is helpful. Continued good success.

Gary Rademan (Level 5)

Found footage: Involved death of title character. The idea of a hat-cam was creative -- you had a need and created a solution.

VG

Jaclyn Boser (Level 3)

Shakespeare would be proud. Boy falls in love, boy gets broken-hearted, boy dies. Were it not for Lisa's opening line, professing that this is all she has left of Bobby, I probably wouldn't have guessed that he'd die. It seemed like the perfect awkward teen romance! While I'm obviously sorry that Bobby dies, I love the poeticism that goes into his death. The film of the tumble (from his own point of view, assuming he lives that long), the scattered, dying flower petals, his fall from grace. Although dramatic, this seems a fairly accurate description of how possessive and jealous teens can be when they feel their love being threatened. I sincerely hope Jane was charged with manslaughter, or at the very least dumped over this! While the falling down the stairs bit is fairly common, that might be because of the simplicity with which it can kill someone.

Jordan Littleton (Level 4)

Title: 6
Story: 4
Originality: 4
Action: 3
Dialogue: 4
Readability: 5

It all seemed a little rushed and underdeveloped. I didn't really care for Bobby, Lisa, or Jane. The girls kissing seemed tacked on to give Jane a reason to throw Bobby down the stairs in order to have a climax.

There is a story here but it needs to be cleaned up.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

It's very well written and easy to follow.
The story - I loved till I got to the point where I learned that Lisa and Jane were doing it. Why would she call it "an assignment". And why would she say that she loved Bobby.

Somehow I expected something different. The dialog is brilliant, it's witty and funny and Bobby is quite a character. I wouldn't want him die. Especially for Jane.
I couldn't understand Lisa.

It's Very Good anyway. These are harder to write.

Kirk White (Level 5)

I think this has solid potential but as written it’s a little too on the nose to really rise as a film. in the end I just don’t know enough about these characters to understand everything and it feels really compressed, like this is a longer piece shoved into the page count of this contest. The “hat cam” is nice but I need a little deeper development of the characters and a little more realistic, less on the nose, dialogue.

Giving a fair

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Rather a sad story. No happy ending here.
Bobby is introduced at age 16, but there aren't ages for Lisa or Jane. Not that it's an excuse for their unkind behavior, but maybe they're a grade or two ahead of Bobby; seems Jane in particular treats him more of a nuisance.
Unclear what's meant by, "You chipped my phone," and "We rock back," and "I'm arming my photon torpedoes." Bobby is a unique character, in addition to being an optimist, so perhaps his dialogue isn't supposed to be perfectly clear.
Including the reader with "we can't stop looking at her...We race after her...She waves us away...She twists us around and we go to..." is a bit distracting. Might be a better idea to simply describe what's happening.
The title is heartwrenching considering Bobby's death at the end, but it's a perfect fit.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

The title is good.

"We" aren't wearing a camera hat. Bobby is. "We" are not a camera of any kind. Please don't write me into your script as. Write the visuals and audio that the camera records.

You get across Bobby's nerdiness and innocence really well. I like him. I was really glad that you didn't have Bobby commit suicide. It strengthens everything about his character.

Lisa reads as passive aggressive to me, and Jane is just nasty. I think it could be made more clear that Lisa is actually avoiding him rather than just an insecure girl staying away from pretty much everyone. The first time she's seen she could look up, see Bobby, and then head off.

Formatting is good. Spelling and punctuation are good.

Some of the dialogue is a bit stiff. Jane's mostly. She seems a little forced and superficial, and I'd like to see more depth to her character.

Overall, this is pretty good.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

I think this would work better if it were longer. In only 5 pages it seems very rushed and without any room for character development the ending felt forced. I mean someone has to have serious psych issues to kill someone in that manner. And I was confused by Lisa. She said she loved Bobby, you showed that she had affection for him when the camera was on her...so why is she with Jane?? That part of the story really needs to be developed.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

You do a good job keeping Bobby on the right side of creepy (that is, the nice side), even if what he does is stalker behavior. It's a bit hard to believe that he could be constantly walking around with a hat camera on and Lisa wouldn't remark on it (even a hat without a concealed camera would be strange).

I also didn't quite buy that Lisa would just toy with Bobby for no reason other than Jane suggested it. It doesn't really match her character in the rest of the script. Also, what were they planning to do with him anyway?

Masoud Soheili (Level 4)

Funny!
I read tow scripts today in both character names was :BOB and LIZ :)
It has a good story with sad ending but I don't feel OK with hat-cam.

I like how you work on characters,

TITTLE:
Tittle is really good and related and move me to read it :)

Matthew Fettig (Level 5)

Lisa's VO setup doesn't seem to fit with the rest of the script. It gives the indication that Bobby was someone she loved and lost.

I found your action lines a little hard to follow. This is my first review, so this may be a consistent issue throughout the contest.

I don't think you need Bobby's first dialogue line in quotes. He's talking. Leave it at that. Jane's first line is confusing. She asks Bobby a question then demands free apps? It may sound right in your ear, but I can't get it to sound right for me. It seems as though it should be Jane accusing Bobby of damaging her phone and demanding free apps in return. But that still doesn't fit well with his follow-up line.

Last line on page two seems to be mostly a dialect issue - snap round I think is snap around, as in the view turns. That continues .. twists it round back... should be twists it around back. I would omit the ending there - to be back to front - that part makes it confusing.

Overall I think some of Bobby's lines are not quite natural, too stiff and formal. Lisa's response that she loves him but it won't work out seems out of place also.

I think the basic idea worked well - the guy tries to film the process of getting a girl to go on a date with him. The pace was quick. But the high-school lesbian murderer thing also struck me as too extreme for the situation.

Mike Senkpiel (Level 4)

I liked Bobby ok, but I couldn't quite understand what was going on with the girls enough to care about them. Why Lisa would be intimidated by Jane if she loved Bobby.

It was kinda hard to tell what was going on with the hat sometimes. I understand that was to stay within the contest rules, but maybe there is a clearer way to describe the action.

I liked Bobby's enthusiasm though and thought he was a nice character.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

OK. The main problem here is the chopping and changing of BOBBY versus WE/US. It confuses matters, you should pick one way of doing it and stick to it.

Second - your description is too detailed and it kind of made me dizzy trying to work out where I/Bobby/we were in relation to what I could see or what was on screen or could be seen by Jane or Lisa.

The story is OK, I didn't see the end coming but I didn't care enough about Bobby for the end to have any impact.

Dialogue was pretty good, the characters each had a voice of their own and the personalities came through.

Pete Barry (Level 5)

The "hat-cam" is an ingenious device; mostly it works (like the very smart "armpit-shot"), although sometimes it doesn't seem like the shot would really be a good one, from a hat's perspective (Lisa runs her hand down Bobby's face - from the hat, we'd see only her hairline.)

This whole story really rubbed me the wrong way, but I'm trying to be technical about it, not emotional. Technically, I don't like Bobby from the moment he sees Lisa and Jane together, and he continues his pursuit regardless. Now he's not just smitten, he's actively willing to break up a couple. He also seems amazed to discover it later (when lie should already know). I guess it's possible he's only recording, and not checking his camera, but that seems hard to believe. Why else did he turn the hat backwards if not to see what was going on behind his back? (Again, smart idea.)

Jane is very inconsistent. One minute she's ready to engage in a kinky threesome, the next minute she's jealous enough to murder a classmate. Maybe she's bipolar, and I guess that works - although what Lisa is doing with her is also unexplained.

Ultimately, it seems a shallow rendering of a lesbian high-school couple. It could have been a hetero pairing - but then, of course, the guy would be unlikely to go for the threesome. (Although, actually, that's a lot MORE emotionally shocking than what you've got here.)

It's good, but even with the baggage I'm bringing to it, there are a lot of logical and technical holes to be filled in the next draft.

Raymond Kwok (Level 3)

Interesting twist on the high school romance theme. It doesn't quite gel together for me. I don't see how Lisa could be in love with Bobby. Their interaction doesn't show it. And of course if she is not in love, then Jane would not have pushed him. The dialogue was also a bit stilted. NOt quite how you would expect teenagers to talk.

Reginald Beltran (Level 4)

pg 3 "The girl who solders better" I'm not sure what's this supposed to mean.

pg 4 We track her until embarrassment turns us to look at the wall. An little bit of an aside I think, because we can't see Bobby's face so how can we tell he's embarrased?

Overall, it's a clean read. It was a good attempt.

Reginald McGhee (Level 0)

A woman toys with a geeky man who contemplates suicide when his plans to go out with her fails, and the story takes place within Lisa’s POV. It’ll be nice if Lisa reacted at the beginning of the screenplay when he did kill himself though. That’s the only thing that’s missing in this screenplay. I’m not sure if this is an original screenplay, because it has been done before. But then again, I can’t judge on its originality because I don’t watch movies like this. I haven’t found any errors in logic either.

The characters are basic. Nerd meets girl. Girl says “No.” Then Nerd quits and kills himself. I don’t think Lisa is a likable character. But I don’t know about Bobby, who gives up on her. The characters are believable though. I have nothing else to say about the character development though. I have spent enough time with these characters, and this feels like a full story.

The action lines are visual. They are simple, and the reading is a quick read. The pacing is also quick and tight.

The dialogue is real in this situation. I really have nothing to say about the dialogue. The action and dialogue is balanced in the screenplay too.

They only problem I have with this script is that Bobby is a very basic character who has little originality. Perhaps this realistic situation happens to many people. Other than that, this is an excellent read.

Rod Thompson (Level 3)

While breaking the fourth wall is definitely a key point in found footage films (for the most part), the continuous use of "our" was a throw off. Just use BOBBY. We know that the hat is attached to his head, so anything that happens to Bobby will inherently happen to us.

Story-wise, I thought this one was definitely a stand-out as far as theme and plot, but the execution could have been better. Not to hate on your style or formatting, but more so just the flow of the piece as a whole. There was never any real surprise, or twist. You could see everything coming, including Bobby's death. That intro line isn't even needed except to spoil the ending before the film even starts, and even comes off a bit forced.

Rustom Irani (Moderator)

We fell down and broke our necks?

Ouch!

Look, the whole idea of a camera perspective is to establish it once and then go with the flow. You don't need to continuosly mention things happening to us, as the viewers.

It got really distracting after the initial few times and then I actually felt myself skipping completely over those descriptions because I never felt convinced or connected.

The plot is simple, cute and tragic, though I'm not sure about Jane's motives to probably have a threesome with Bobby and Lisa.

The dialogs are a mixed bag and sometimes feel forced while at other times work well to make your characters sound real.

I'd love to see a re-write of this with all those "we see/we have things happen to us" bits removed.

I think your story will be a lot stronger and it is a short which can actually be very easily produced on a low budget, so do re-write it.

Good job!

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

Yikes! Poor Bobby!

I enjoyed reading your script. It was a fun read, but I have to say, first thing, that right from the beginning, I was a little puzzled by the concept of a "hat-cam". He's recording "How Me and Lisa Fell in Love"? Does she know? Is he spying on her? Who the heck does that? I just didn't get it. And in addition to it being just plain puzzling (to me, anyway), it caused a couple other problems with the script. It forced you to spend a lot of time and script-space explaining when he puts the hat on, when he takes it off, and how it's oriented on his head. That's not really interesting stuff for us to read, so the more you can minimize it, the better.

And, secondly, it seems like Bobby has the luckiest hat-cam in the world, because when it gets flung across the room or pushed down the stairs, it always seems to land pointing at exactly what we need to see.

It's an interesting (and tragic) story of modern teenage unrequited love, but (in my opinion) the hat-cam is a clunky device, and it dragged the story down a bit.

I did enjoy reading it, though.

My score: Good.

Shane Harkin (Level 3)

I didn't think the sudden burst of violence at the end was particularly believable. Maybe 5 pages isn't enough, further development of the characters relationships and interactions is definitely necessary for that kind of thing to work. I did, however, like the implementation of the hat-cam, it works well and you did a good job immersing me in Bobby's story with the technique. I think there's a good story in this vein and with this character, but this one didn't quite work for me.

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

I liked this script a lot, creative treatment of the "found footage" theme. Compelling characters and story, the ending was great. It was a wee bit jumpy for me - blame that on the need to tell the story from cam POV.

Comments Made After the Contest

Reginald McGhee (Level 0) ~ 7/4/2012 3:15 PM

Am I the only person who rated this as Excellent?

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5) ~ 7/8/2012 12:14 PM

Thanks to everyone for your comments.

Reginald, thanks, I would have rated this excellant! :)

I decided to go for it on something that has the camera weaved into the story. For me that negates rules about "not directing the camera", since this kind of found footage can work well if the camera does things that aren't done in conventional movies.

A found footage trick I tried to use was where the camera sees something that the person holding it does not. Having Bobby turn his cap around on his head and be unaware of what it sees behind him proved to be a difficult thing to describe and seemed to confuse some people.

It was a fun exercise in a style of writing that was new to me.