Comments Made During the Contest

Ayal Pinkus (Level 5)

Hehehe! The lottery ticket comment made me laugh!

Yeah, that is a cool ending. Dar had a taste of freedom and realizes that is what he wanted. You have everything in there for a story; the inciting event is the prank the colleagues pull, up until the climax where Dar gets what he wants anyway as he realizes he could always leave the factory, with an uplifting ending and a changed protagonist.

All in one page! :-) I love it when writers are able to pull that off.

One thing I didn't understand is what you meant by the cracking body parts... why are they cracking?

I'm giving you an EXCELLENT, loved this one. Lots of changes of emotion all in just one page without it feeling rushed.

Bill Clar (Level 5)

Unique title. I can't attach a genre to it.

I like your opening montage. It's quick and sets the tone.

The name "Dar" feels out of place. It reminds me of sword and sorcerer movies like "Beastmaster".

This is interesting. You have a good punchline with the fake lottery ticket, but you took it a step further with Dar's unshakable happiness.

I assume that Dar's final dance number symbolizes his resignation. If not, it's still an upbeat ending.

Bill Sarre (Level 4)

Good idea, i liked this one a lot.

Not sure what Quick Shots are, in terms of technique, but i got what was meant, so thats fine.

If anything i feel we need to see Dar consider the options a little more, a sense of calculation, then action . Cause and effect. there is also the issue of doesn't he need the money, as the implication of anybody who works there is that they have little in the bank.

One option would be him to dance, after the shift?

Otherwise sound work, one of my favourites

well done.

Byron Matthews (Level 4)

Applaud. I really enjoyed this story. It made me chuckle. Great use of one page. Great use of imagery. Excellent sense of the screenwriting craft. One of my favorites this month.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

I loved this right up until the end (and it was very well written, too!)

The ending...I didn't quite get, I'm afraid. Why did he strip? I'm not sure.

I didn't know what to expect for the ending and I certainly didn't expect that and, for me, it fell a bit short and left me a little disappointed when I wanted to be wowed.

Chris Setten (Level 4)

A quirky piece that was different (in a good way) from the pack which made it an interesting read. You did a nice job getting me to sympathize with the protagonist and to root for him. I love the end where here we have the indomitable soul, the ultimate optimist. How I envy Dar!

Christina Anderson (Level 4)

Oh no, an outbreak worse than the zombie-virus. Nearly-naked dancing!

Why don't we see the lottery ticket sooner? Either in the montage or as part of his dance? It's just weird watching a man dance insanely and not understanding why.

That goes for the end dance session too.

GOOD. funny imagery, but it's awkward when your the one left out of the loop.

Daniel Ackerman (Level 3)

I like the first half of the story. A practical joke that is more cruel than funny. But I do not understand why he does another dance. Is it because of the reaction he got the first time? Is he quitting? This leaves too many questions for me.

David M Troop (Level 4)

A nice combination of Norma Rae and Magic Mike.

Of course you realize if this was not a one-pager, you would have to re-format your blocks of quick shots.

So Dar wins the lottery. Not sure if a 45-year old factory worker would react in this manner. Okay, maybe in a bad 80's movie.

Wait a minute. The ticket is a fake. Very cruel friend.
Does Dar put his clothes back on and go back to work? No. Dar was born to dance.

Quite amusing. But how does Dar explain this to his wife?

David Serra (Level 4)

Not sure what to make of this.

Also I think you should name Dar's friend and Boss.

Additionally why did Dar start dancing naked again if the lottery ticket was fake?

Dawn Calvin (Level 5)

I knew immediatly that this dance and joy was probably because he felt like he won the lotto.

Something about it was very transparent.

I thought the title was clever with a question mark!

Derek Anderson (Level 4)

This was good! It was such a disappointment to find out the lottery ticket was a prank, but that made the ending even better.

I have no real complaints about this because the writing was excellent.

Derek Collins (Level 4)

That was fun! You used the space wisely, not a lot of wasted words either. The bookending quick shots work well in this piece. It is easy to visualize, which is great. The only thing I would say that is kind of a drawback is Dar's friends line is a bit on the nose, but with one page to work with I guess sometimes you don't have much choice.

Donnetta Williams (Level 3)

I always like to think about the audience and how they can relate to a good story. This definitely relates to a lot of people. Details and descriptions fit. Good story made me laugh and I enjoyed reading it.

Elaine Clayton (Level 4)

This was a good short with a nice twist towards the end. Your action lines would benefit from redrafting, just to make them flow better. Your story was unique. Your factory setting and montage effects realistic and worked well in creating an atmosphere for the reader. The inclusion of the boss should either be cut or expanded, as his one small line was ineffectual.

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

You almost had it. For a one pager you managed to get a story in. But there was no consequence, or reason for the prank on Dar.

I wrote a similar one pager that I almost entered, a postman does win the lottery and decides to retire, and as a prank he rigs a canister belt to shoot candy, goes to work and pretends he has a suicide belt, well, the workers shoot him. heheh See, a consequence.

A good job, the writing was tight and the visuals terse.

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

When I finished reading this short script I was smiling. Excellent writing!

Fred Koszewnik (Level 5)

What fun it would be to see this on film! A thoroughly enjoyable and good romp of a story. Clever and uplifting. With an unexpected ending. Continued good success.

Gary Rademan (Level 5)

Instead of punching A FRIEND he continues to celebrate. I liked that. When he opens the door it feels like a Footloose moment. Consider omitting "I'm sorry" from dialogue. And the boss doesn't haven't to say anything, it can be a scowl. Visual.

GOOD!

Heidtmann Oppong (Level 4)

Cool! Funny but looks real. A similar incident happened right here in Ghana a week before today. The guy (who thinks he won the lottery) was wild and violent for being lied to.

Anyway, good effort. Congrats!

Jaclyn Boser (Level 3)

This was happier than I anticipated, I figured Dar's Last Day meant Dar's last day on earth! I love that the question mark leaves you wondering why or where it's his last day. It's also fun to think of someone stripping to their underwear in celebration of leaving the daily grind behind forever (it's a shame shots weren't involved). It's great that once Dar has that taste of freedom, even if for only a minute, he refuses to let it go and dances out of work half naked anyway. More power to him. If the rest of us were half as bold or willing, we might not be so unhappy.

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

"cracking body parts" - limbs being cracked in half and blood everywhere is what I get from this description. Do you mean "joints"?

I don't get it. I like the twist in the middle, that was cool. But then him dancing and taking his clothes off again? Why? I wish you made that clearer. Oh wait, the title. So he quit since it's his last day? Ah, that makes a little more sense. Okay, I liked it.

Good job.

Jeff Ferry (Level 4)

It was a good story and well crafted from the beginning. I liked the fake lottery ticket moment as I've actually seen that happen. However, the ending was a bit baffling and didn't fit great with the rest of the story. I still liked it, but I felt it dropped off at the end.

Jordan Littleton (Level 4)

Title: 7
Story: 7
Originality: 7
Action: 7
Dialogue: 5
Readability: 6

I liked this one. I think everyone can relate to Dar and want to dance out of the front doors of their workplace as they quit. I think this could have been a little bit clearer, but it's still very good.

Joseph Conway (Level 2)

I thought this was really funny. Really clever and with a good payoff. I submitted a script to this contest as well and now it now seems awful compared to this (I hate you so much lol).

Nice prose, nice short quick sentences that are easy to read. I'm not completely sure on this...but I'd say don't worry about shots so much. Focus on the action. It's a director or cinematographer's job to sweat about the shots.

Besides from that...I loved it.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

Funny somewhat - he thought he won the lottery, quit his job,but it's a stupid joke.
I liked the fact that he kept on dancing.
I don't like you title. Think you should change it - it's a bit on the nose.
I enjoyed the entry, thanks.

Kirk White (Level 5)

this is a fun script and would make an inspiring short film. giving a very good

Kisha King (Level 4)

It is so simple and cute, you just have to love it. The description should have a little more depth to it. The reader could of been pulled into the story with more details of Dar, the Boss and the workers.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Clever premise. A practical joke gone awry.
May not need to repeat the opening visuals before Dar drops his pants; there's no indication that any of the noise ever stopped. Wonder if "cracking body parts" is action. Did Dar crack his "back, neck, knee, and shoulder" or is the cracking an actual sound effect?
Quite a funny visual, this 45-year-old "In just his underwear and socks" dancing off "into the sunlight." Thanks for the chuckle...

Marc Jensen (Level 2)

I find myself picturing this in the style of a Sylvain Chomet animation, and this is probably because it comes across as very visual and kinetic. It's quirky, fun and uplifting. Simple, instructive dialogue supports the events and isn't used as filler.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

I don't know why, but the question mark in the title doesn't seem right. See if anyone else says anything about it before giving any weight to my words, though.

The story is well-written with no formatting, spelling or punctuation problems that I noticed. It isn't a complete story, though. Not for me. It's more like the first five pages of a feature condensed into one page. You're writing about actions that carry some really big consequences here, and glossing over them as if they don't mean much.

I'm worried about Dar and I'm angry at his stupid friend. What happens next? How does a 45 year old man who walked off a job without giving a moment's notice going to support himself and his family, if he has any? What does his new found free time afford him? What does it cost him? Does his friend learn a lesson from this? Is there any going back?

Frankly, I hope you work this into a feature. I just hope you don't go with the stereotypical sticking it to the boss story if you do.

Nice work. You piqued my interest and got me thinking. A lot.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

This was a good story.

"QUICK SHOTS:"
I think the second time this happens it would have more impact if it were clearer that we were seeing this from Dar's perspective.

Good.

Masoud Soheili (Level 4)

For one page story you describe the story in good style, well written, but the story
just simply OK. I like the title with that question mark, make it nicer.

Matthew Fettig (Level 5)

You'll probably get a lot of comments about the question mark in the title. I see what you're trying to do, but I don't think it's a giveaway to remove that and still keep your ending.

It's a fun story, the kind of thing everyone hopes to do one day!

It's written pretty well and the action is easy to follow. A couple of spots you missed keeping the verbs in the present tense. I'd also have Dar kick off his boots before the lines that workers stare in wonder. Get Dar doing something that really makes them question his next move. Just stopping doesn't feel like enough to grip them.

Overall, it was enjoyable.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

This put a big smile on my face.

It's a bit wordy in places, especially with the series of shots which didn't work visually for me as they were a bit crammed on the page.

Not sure about the question mark in the title - understand why it's there - just not sure about it!

Reminds me of the Footloose warehouse dance scene - the Kevin Bacon original of course!

Olga Tremaine (Level 4)

I didn't understand the ending. Did he decide to quit? He strips down and dances, not sure why he strips down. I'd like to know. This story is quite intriguing because we see something and don't know what's going on and it keeps our interest. I'd like to see a rewrite with a more clear ending, because I think this story has potential. It has a musical feel to it. Good luck!

Paul W. Franklin (Level 1)

I don't have much to say about this screenplay. It's not bad, it just doesn't do much for me i'm afraid.
Couple of things - How difficult would it be to convincingly fake a lottery ticket? I'd wager rather a lot, maybe too much for a prank. Also, how do we know that the breeze that hits him is cool...?

Pete Barry (Level 5)

Now that's funny. I wish I had a description of Dar - I'm not a stickler for that kind of thing, but I'm betting he's a large fellow, and that adds to the humor. It could have been just a kick in the pants for this poor boob, but instead, he pulls it together and turns tragedy into liberation.

Bravo.

Reginald Beltran (Level 4)

The QUICK SHOTS should be a series of shots, usually are not bunched up like they are in this short. However, I understand the one page limit.

I get a good visual of this guy, dancing his way out of the factory. I liked how he didn't care that the lottery ticket was fake. Reminds me of a true story of a JetBlue flight attendant who's had enough, opened the emergency doors, slid down and quit.

If you've gotta go, then that's how you go. Good effort.

Reginald McGhee (Level 0)

This story is funny. Dar thinks he won the lottery, so he was about to quit until his employees tell him it was a prank. I didn’t know employees could dance in a factory. Was his dance a celebration because he won the lottery? We have a sense of conflict because he had to seay at his job until he do win the lottery.

I have spent enough time with the characters. What was the characters motivation to trick Dar into winning the lottery though? Was Dar a bad employee at first? But the characters situation does work.

The action lines is a quick read. This looks like a blueprint to a screenplay instead of just a story. That’s more like it.

The dialogue is lean and clean. It rings true.

Overall this story is perfect the way it is. I think there's nothing that really needs to be done.

Richard Martz (Level 3)

Good, solid formatting. Nice that not try to squeeze anything into the one page; very good in using just the right amount of words, in action and dialogue. I would remove the question mark from the Title. The story concept appear to be that DAR, a middle-aged factory worker, upon being pranked by his fellow workers that he won the lottery, realizes anyways that with a miserable boss and miserable working conditions he would be better off by quitting than returning to that workplace -- even without any lottery winnings.

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

This would play well on screen. I don't like seeing a question mark in a title - makes a reader question everything as real right from the start. The prank line created the arc but I found it to be a bit hard to believe. Still, for the one page challenge this was unique and created a great visual story. Good luck.

Rik Battaglia (Level 3)

I'm laughing in a good confused way. Is the ticket fake? Did dar have another one? What the fudge happened lol. I'll give a good because the visual is good. But sorry I don't get the ending. Is it just me? :-)

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

Really enjoyed this one. Lots of great imagery and a sweet story. very well done, I hope it places. I could see this in my minds eye, so very clearly.

Thank you for such a good story.

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

I love this story! Dar for President! This world needs more Dars!

What a great, uplifting moment. A thoughtless prank ruins Dar's moment of ecstasy...but his indomitable spirit snatches it back. Go to hell, miserable Boss! I am Dar, a happy man!

I love this story. I really hope it wins this month's contest. (I even hope it beats my entry, which is bleak and dismal in comparison.)

Great job! Go, Dars of the world, go!

My score: Excellent+.

Shane Harkin (Level 3)

Really impressive. A simple, concise and very effective story. It works perfectly well on one page. Would definitely be interested in seeing it realized on screen.

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

Cute. I liked it even though I didn't get much of a sense of the characters, all the shots - maybe more emphasis on the PEOPLE and Dar so I could be happy for him.

Tim Westland (Moderator)

A sweet tale told well and written well.

Very good.

William D. Prystauk (Level 5)

Well written, visually appealing and easy to shoot, this is cute tale about someone who cares more about living than work.

Unfortunately, we have seen the lottery win as joke too many times before. What can you do to make your tale something other than cliche?

Comments Made After the Contest

Sally Meyer (Moderator) ~ 8/1/2012 12:47 AM

Congrats on the HM! I really liked this one.

Scott Merrow (Level 5) ~ 8/1/2012 12:49 AM

Wes -- this is a wonderful script!

Margaret Ricke (Level 5) ~ 8/1/2012 3:19 AM

Congratulations, Wes! This story definitely got me going.

Derek Anderson (Level 4) ~ 8/1/2012 6:58 PM

Great job! Really enjoyed this one... Congrats on the HM!

Wes Worthing (Level 5) ~ 8/1/2012 7:12 PM

Thanks for the comments. This was fun to write and I plan on making it into a film.