Comments Made During the Contest

Ayal Pinkus (Level 5)

You can still shorten it, makes your writing stronger. For example, the last two sentences of the first action paragraph read "Everything is still. Silent." could be shortened to "Everything is silent." or "Silence surrounds them."

Hah, cool idea for a twist! Dad misread his son, thought his son was disappointed that he hadn't caught a fish, but his son was sad rather because the day was over and he'd enjoyed being with father!

Reading the diary feels contrived; a young boy like that wouldn't write like that or even at all, and a caring father wouldn't read his son's diary.

Or maybe the framed picture with him and his son was overdoing it a bit. Children are generally pre-occupied with themselves as they wander into this world of adventure. It is the parents who want to keep mementos of people they love around.

Or so. I don't know how you can solve that... But excellent idea for a twist, people don't talk and end up with different recollections of how they and the other felt about that moment, revealed later in the story.

I'm rating this a GOOD.

Bill Clar (Level 5)

Not to nitpick, but I've never seen anyone fish in a canoe. They're not very roomy and if you catch a big one, it could capsize you. Just say a "small boat".

Good ending. Your story reminds me of a country song about fishing. The father and daughter didn't catch anything but it's the memories the father cherishes, not the fish.

Bill Sarre (Level 4)

Nice, i like the sentimental ones.

Had a nice cute feel to it. If i was being negative it that it all seemed a bit obvious. Also, we didn't get a feel of the dad impatience in the canoe, which i feel would have been there if it was to transfer through.

Also, the realisation lingered a touch too long at the end.

otherwise, nice work.

Byron Matthews (Level 4)

Speaking on experience, you might want to work on the title page format. Most will not get past that weird looking format.

Touching story. Fits the title. It's a pretty generic story and for the most part it's pretty predictable.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

Cute!

Good heart-felt story.

Try to tighten up your writing...like telling us that Dad and Randy entered through the door! I would be surprised if they entered through the window!

Charlie Hatton (Level 1)

I like the idea of this -- a Dad's redemption, in a way -- but I was jarred out of it a bit by the second scene. Obviously, to set up the 'about-face', the father would have to be callous there -- but even in re-reading, I didn't see any hint of that in the first scene.

Maybe a clearer pattern of thoughtlessness -- even something the boy might not pick up on -- early on would really set up the last scene as a transformation. As it was, it felt more like the second scene was "different than the others", and for me that muddled the story a bit.

As I said, I liked the idea -- very heartwarming to think of the father as affected by the experience his son has on "Dad's" day. One page is a tough format, but maybe with a little more length, this could be very nice. Thanks for sharing!

Chris Setten (Level 4)

This was a heartwaring little slice of life that warmed my heart. I'm not sure there was much of a story here which I know is tough to do in a one pager. The end was fairly predictable.

Christina Anderson (Level 4)

(I thought that was the point of recreational fishing-- not to catch, but to get away, junk food [b/c that' the only stuff that fits into a cooler], and snooze in the shade?)

Anyhow, I understand the sentiment.

I was disappointed this was only a one pager. I felt like the whole thing was cropped. The Dad is a much bigger character than we got to see. Their family situation has multiple tangents.

GOOD. This mini-script contest is unflattering for the ideas here. It comes off more like a moment in time than a complete story... For this contest, the plot needs to be self contained without the tangent context (that usually give scripts depth-- in this time frame it makes scripts seem loose).

Daniel Ackerman (Level 3)

This was a nice story. It illustrates well how an innocent child can change the perspective of a adult. I would think this would film very well. Good job.

David Serra (Level 4)

A bit of a plain story and although the page is blank you have two pages here.

Nice conflict with the Mom and Dad though, I wished you named them.

Denise Jewell (Level 4)

Nice job. The end was predictable, but still nicely done. I like that the boy barely speaks, and it would be great to see more of that. Maybe having the dad talking alot on the trip, and the boy just smiling and saying "Okay." That would help mislead the father that it wasn't an exciting day for the kid. Overall this was a good read.

Derek Anderson (Level 4)

This is a sweet tale of two differing opinions on a single event. Kinda makes the dad seem like a jerk on "his" day, but sentimental nonetheless.

Well done

Derek Collins (Level 4)

Great job, I am very impressed by your one page script, its so simple yet poignant. There really isn't anything I would change about this one so I will just leave it at that.

Elaine Clayton (Level 4)

Format wise this was okay. The action and dialogue was fine, but the story was really lacking. There was no 'main event'. The dad and son have a different view on their day out, and that was it. When Mom asked how it went, then frowned; I assumed there was something bigger coming, an important revelation an ironic twist, but nothing. It was anti-climatic and too subtle.

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

why is there a blank page two? Well, I believe you nailed it. And with such a sweet sentiment, how can this one lose. Excellent work.

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

Well written. Nice story that could be improved with one or two more pages to add some conflict. Possibly a fish that got away. This one earned a very good from me.

Fred Koszewnik (Level 5)

A very sweet story of how one's persception of reality can be so incongruous from others. A nice slice of Life story without any big drama or conflict. Continued good success.

Gary Rademan (Level 5)

This read as genuine with a sweet tone. Not sure the father would be so amicable when they left the lake and the boy would not have wanted the time to end. A touch of conflict might help the ending pop.

VERY GOOD.

Greg Tonnon (Level 5)

Title - Good choice!
Craft - your craft is perfect.
Dialogue - the dialogue was okay, maybe a little generic.
Action lines - the action lines are fine.
Story - the story is heartwarming and you get points for that! But it seems a little unrealistic that a ten year old boy would have a picture of himself as a baby on his night stand.

Hafsah Mijinyawa (Level 2)

So the dad seems a bit morose for a proud papa. I kind of had a hard time believing that the dad would care more aout fishing than hanging out with his little boy, especially on Father's Day. But I suppose it's not out of the realm of possibility. All the same, I might reconsider the father's characterization a little bit. Try finding ways to portray that the dad is a person who isn't confident in his parenting -- that the lack of fishing that day might have disappointed his son and therefore he feels down for what he thinks is failing as a parent. But then he finds his son's journal and realizes that it's the little things that count most of all to his little boy -- being with his daddy was all he needed, not a ton of fish.

I think that's what you were getting at anyway, the father just came off as a bit cold/unnecessarily whiny at first. Massage that characterization a bit and you have yourself a very sweet little short!

Heidtmann Oppong (Level 4)

Excellent! Randy made "More" (Father's day) a total waste of a day. Never expected it to end that way. Creative effort. I enjoyed reading it. Every bit of it, congrats!

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

It's 30s not 30's.

I think this story would have taken the win if the boy seemed as though he couldn't stand what he was doing. Maybe even complaining, or like the time he went home he played video games and got on the phone. As if he was relieved that he's finally home. And then, maybe in a better way, the father finds out that Randy enjoyed his time. Reading a boy's "diary" seems intrusive. Maybe he overhears a phone conversation?

I really, really, liked the concept. It's just the execution I think that could be better.

I think the dialogue was too on the nose. and the boys writing seemed a bit cheesy in my opinion.

But great job.

I reread this, and i have to say, again, that I really love this concept. It just needs to be deeper. I hope you rewrite it.

Jeff Ferry (Level 4)

A very nice heartfelt script. It was touching without beating me over the head with it. One of the best scripts that didn't involve violence of some sort. A quick glimpse into a life and I really enjoyed it. Good work.

Jordan Littleton (Level 4)

Title: 5
Story: 4
Originality: 3
Action: 5
Dialogue: 7
Readability: 6

There wasn't anything here to really grab me. It was a clip out of someone's life but there wasn't any conflict or drama. It was just a, "Worst day fishing is better than the best day at work" story. Oh yeah...and the son loves his father.

You should check your page count too, because there's a blank page at the end, making this script 2 pages, not 1. Should that disqualify it? Not at all. But you need to keep your scripts clean.

Joseph Conway (Level 2)

Awww.....I think I need a tissue.

Nice lovely little story. I really appreciated the pay off. Your prose is effective.

This is a lot better than my one page script. In fact I may just give you poor for making me look bad lol.

Page 2 is a bit empty. Not much fun going on there....I'm kidding. I think a bit of extra space in your script document created the extra page (or else my eyesight is getting worse).

In conclusion - I loved it. Keep up the good work and GO FILM THIS NOW before I steal it.

Kelley Allen (Level 3)

Initial Gut Reaction: Very poignant. I very much enjoyed reading your work.

Story: Good story arc (for an one-pager.)

Formatting: Very good. Didn't notice anything wrong.

Dialogue: Good.

Characters: Within a small space, you were able to create an emotional connection with the characters. I found the ending to be very touching.

Nit-picking: Scripts spills over to page 3.

Rating: Very good. Job well done.

Good luck and keep writing!

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

It's a good story. A little low on the conflict.
I understand what you're going for here though - you don't expect Bobby to put in his diary "this was the best day..." since they haven't caught a single fish. But still I wish it could be more than that.
Good story anyway, I think. Clearly written.

Kirk White (Level 5)

you BASTARD!!! you totally got me. you. got. me. I could almost see what was coming...and then it came, paying off exactly as I wanted it to...and then...you bastard...you made me weep. at work. in front of my boss.

this is a great short and if (after making me cry at work) you don't make this into a film, I will hunt you down!

giving a well deserved excellent! great work!

Kisha King (Level 4)

Oh. This is so sweet. I really like this story because it's a nice easy read and it is so adorable. I love how it is written and I can see as a cute little fathers day commercial.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Sweet slice of life. Terrific mental picture of Dad and ten-year-old Randy in his Mets cap sitting in a canoe on the lake.
Might tighten here and there. Wonder if it's necessary to mention the empty styrofoam cooler; not sure if it originally held bait or their lunch. Also may not need "Dad walks away" or "Mom looks at him and frowns." There's no followup later from the three lines so it likely wouldn't hurt the story to omit them.
Lovely father and son story.

Marc Jensen (Level 2)

A heartwarming, sort of Pixar-esque short story. Sorry to say that as soon as the dad had spoken to the mom, the ensuing events were immediately predictable, and in a way this made for a missed opportunity to insert a surprise or twist, rather than present a story that we've all seen or read before.

I think it would be worth playing with the story a little more to see what comes out of it, particularly now that you're no longer restricted to a single page, and see what can be developed, maybe even for a future entry.

The script is technically well-written and pleasurable to read. The characters are generic, as is their dialogue, but that needn't be a negative, particularly when used to present a story on one page, where they serve as tools rather than characters requiring depth.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

Good title.

All the technical stuff - formatting, punctuation and spelling - are good.

I love the story! Great message to parents everywhere.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

This was nice.

Maybe the one point that tips the page towards being too sentimental is the photo of Randy as an infant with his Dad. Even if a 10-year-old boy loved his father, I'm not sure he would have a picture of him on his bedside table.

Very good.

Masoud Soheili (Level 4)

I think If you just remove the last two line of it ,the result will be better,
But really meaningful nice story,
I like it all,
Everything is fine.
But think for another TITTLE,maybe could choose something better.
Well-written anyway,

Matthew Fettig (Level 5)

Fitting title.

I like this one....maybe because it has a very similar tone to my own entry!

I think it's well done technically. I don't know that you have to say that Dad and Randy enter "through the door". I think that's implied. If they entered through a window, you'd have to point that out specifically.

A minor grammar bit - people lie, objects lay. "An open book lays on his chest."

You set a nice mood. Good emotional hook. Easy read.

Michael Hughes (Level 4)

This is a nice one-pager. I think the title works well and the story is well told. I have been wondering whether it would be better to not hear the voice over of the kid and just read the diary entry with the father. Not sure I know how different it would feel. That would be an interesting discussion.
Anyway, very good.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

This a really lovely moment but it doesn't feel finished.

I think the paragraph about looking at the photo takes away from the beat of a natural ending where he sits on the bed and then should stroke the son's hair.

The look at the pic makes it feel as if you are going somewhere else with it.

Olga Tremaine (Level 4)

Even though the story is good it seems like I've read it before.
"Then watches Randy sleep." is quite a weak last sentence. At least omit the word "then".
"Dad and Randy enter through the door." - "through the door" is not necessary imo.
Overall, good job.

Pete Barry (Level 5)

As a dad, I appreciate the sentiment. It flows well, and goes where it needs to go.

I can't see myself getting into fishing (or anything( so much as to call a day with my kid a "total waste" - I think you'd be hard pressed to find any parent who'd admit that, certainly on Father's Dat. It rings false, a way to get to the payoff. Maybe if something had happened, like he fell out of the boat, or they got trapped in traffic (and the kid still, somehow, loved just being with his dad) that might have played with more veracity.

It can be worked out, but right now it's depending on its plot, not on the truth of its characters.

Reginald Beltran (Level 4)

"Well, son, I guess they just ain't bitin' today." This line feels stilted. Why would he call him "son"? Why not just call him Randy?

I like the author's aim for something sentimental. However, I didn't get enough story to buy into the kid's words: "It was the best day of my life."

I think if you extend this short a bit more to show the audience what would make a kid write/feel this way, then it would work. As is, the story doesn't feel developed enough.

Reginald McGhee (Level 0)

Dad wants to catch a fish on father’s day, but he isn’t happy because of his failure to catch one. Then he gets better when the son reads his card. The story is a smooth read. I’m not sure how original the story is, because it happens often. I think the author’s intentions to write this story is right on point though, since it’s Father’s Day. I wouldn’t be surprised if this was a true story because it sounds as if the author wrote this on June 17 for the More of Less is Still More contest. Ha!

The action lines are well written. The visuals flow well with the story, so is the choice of words. Though this story has no metaphor, I can still live without it.
The dialogue lines rings true. No silted dialogue or exposition I noticed.

Characters are brilliant in this case. It’s a Like Father, Like Son type story. I just wish Mom could do something like kiss him or something or message him to make him happy. The story would have been complete if both the mom and son made Dad happy. But other than that, I’ve spend enough time with the characters.

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

Sweet. I wrote a version of this myself if you care to check it out - American Eagle in my scripts from a 5 page challenge. I remember hearing this story - I think it it a public figure who related a day with his son and they came away from it with completely different take-aways. Nice, straight-forward interpretation and could easily be shot.

Rik Battaglia (Level 3)

What can I say? Okay, i'll say it. Touching and wonderful. :-)

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

This was a good story, told well. I enjoyed it, and it left me with a good feeling. It's so true that sometimes two people can see something exactly the same and come away with different experiences. This was a sweet tale about a father and son, I really did like it.

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

Very nice heartwarming little story. For Dad it was all about the fish, but for Randy it was all about being with Dad. Nice. (In five or six years, Dad will probably be longing for another day like this.)

Not much to add here by way of critique. Nice story, well told.

My score: Very Good.

Shane Harkin (Level 3)

To be honest it was a bit underwhelming, there's nothing in the script that makes it stand out. It was nicely written and formatted, I was just hoping for a bit more meat to the story.

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

Sweet little family story - no drama though, for a "fish story" nothing really happens. Maybe amp-up the contrast to make the day worse instead of just dull, like the one that got away.

Tim Westland (Moderator)

This is a sweet story.

I think your ending falls flat, though. Feels like Dad could do something more emphatic, or maybe even whisper something to his sleeping son.

Overall, very enjoyable.

William D. Prystauk (Level 5)

No reaction from Dad at the end? No smile? Come on! Don't play sentimental then not go all out. This was cute, but I certainly hope you tweak the ending to bring us a better response from Dad, then this will be solid.

Comments Made After the Contest

David M Troop (Level 4) ~ 8/1/2012 7:24 AM

Thanks everybody for your comments and suggestions.
Special thanks to Kirk. If my short made you cry at work infront of your boss then I feel I have accomplished my job as a writer.

Kirk White (Level 5) ~ 8/1/2012 9:55 AM

my boss is an ex-marine; I don't think you fully appreciate the situation you put me in! dude, please make this movie; scripts like this are the reason movies were invented.

David M Troop (Level 4) ~ 8/1/2012 11:47 AM

Kirk, you are way too kind. And thanks for the favorite. There were so many good ones last month. I'll stick it right on the resume.
I would love to film this one day. Right now I'm busy trying to develop two web series for Youtube. Of course, if anyone else would like to film it, it is extremely available. NUDGE NUDGE. WINK WINK. SAY NO MORE. SAY NO MORE.

Matthew Fettig (Level 5) ~ 8/1/2012 1:11 PM

David - I really thought this would have earned an honor this month. There wasn't a great deal of tension, but it was such a better story than most of the others this month and well constructed.

David M Troop (Level 4) ~ 8/1/2012 1:21 PM

Thanks, Matthew.
I wanted to keep it very simple so more people (especially fathers) could identify with it. Sometimes, men have so many pressures and responsibilities, we forget about the simple things and how much our attention (even for just a few hours) can mean to our kids. The dad in the story isn't a bad guy. He represents how distracted we all get from what's really important.

Matthew Fettig (Level 5) ~ 8/1/2012 1:28 PM

David - I could very easily identify with the father. My kids are 7 & 5. I know how much just a little bit of attention can mean to them at any given moment.

Derek Anderson (Level 4) ~ 8/1/2012 6:42 PM

I thought this would easily place. Good job

David M Troop (Level 4) ~ 8/1/2012 6:51 PM

Thanks, Derek.
I think what killed it was that kid had a picture of his dad next to his bed.
Stupid kid. Loving his father like that. What's wrong with him? ;)

And, congrats to you, my friend! Going Up was one of Dave's faves this month. Unfortunately, you can only pick 3.

Derek Anderson (Level 4) ~ 8/1/2012 7:07 PM

Haha, yeah, who does that?

And thanks, positive words are just as cool with me. Or you can buy me a beer. Either/or :)

Rich Keel (Level 4) ~ 10/16/2012 3:09 PM

Good read...probably wouldn't have meant much 2 years ago...but now I get it. Adding to favorites

David M Troop (Level 4) ~ 10/16/2012 11:20 PM

Thanks, Rich. You made my day.

Hey, not that I don't appreciate it, but aren't you supposed to be editing? ;)