Comments Made During the Contest

Ayal Pinkus (Level 5)

A Christmas Carol on one page! Bud gets a visit from a Jacob of the future.

The way you present it, it is all told in dialogue. I know you don't have a lot of room to maneuver on a one-pager so it is tempting to roll out the exposition but... It's a visual medium, better to show than to tell, so the audience feels it.

If you found another way for him to see what the future has in store for him, like maybe he sees some other guy kill some one while drunk-driving and arrested and sees the boy of that person left alone, and then he looks at his own son, tosses away the bottle of wine and ... I don't know, probably not a good idea.

I'm giving this a GOOD, could be executed more visually and more show then tell, but good basis for a story with a message.

Bill Clar (Level 5)

Somber opening of a deadbeat dad.

Remove "(sarcastically)".

I like your premise but I feel you need more than one page to pull it off. Anyone would doubt the claims of someone from the future. It will take more than words to convince Bud, or anyone of their demise.

Bill Sarre (Level 4)

Good title for this.

I think is a good idea, with some potential. I found the first bit of the dialogue was confusing, even after a couple of reads the "gave at the Office" was confusing. I assume this is to suggest the old appears like a collector?

I appreciate it is difficult to fit things one page but the LATER slug definitely should be on a new line.

Otherwise a nice idea, a slob, a time traveller and a change of direction. However, maybe it needed a bit more. i don't know, but maybe something tangle for the man to ponder, possibly the old man knew something which only he could know.

All the best

Byron Matthews (Level 4)

The end of Jacob's first dialogue seemed a bit cloudy. Not a bad story. It has a good feel ending to it.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

I thought this was good, very good, until you said Bud wiped away a solitary tear! That kinda cheapened it for me. Great little story.

Incidentally, it took me AGES to work out what 'no get out of here I already gave at the office,' meant, so you might want to make that more accessible.

Chris Setten (Level 4)

I thought this was a pretty cool story. I'm sure folks are going to wonder about the nature of this spectre that appears mysteriously as I did. Terrific character arc regarding Bud. All things considered, well executed.

Christina Anderson (Level 4)

Jacob's opening dialogue-- "gave at the office' use donated-- it's more specific to charity (and door-to-door beggars); as is, this line tripped me up, it took a double take to understand.

There's too much crammed into one paragraph-- but you're conserving space aren't you.... -Well, the timing doesn't read right-- like at the door, should there be a moment of staring, or does Old J comes in talking like a circus ringmaster?
-Perhaps tell the story like your opening doors into it-- so, instead of showing us Bud's condition from the start. It starts with a knock on the door and Old J; then pieces of the story are revealed as Old J brings it up.

GOOD. Script comes off bland-- needs better timing and consideration to character's actions/emotions to give the scene a genuine feel.

Daniel Ackerman (Level 3)

I like this one a lot. Wouldn't we all benefit from a visitor from the future? I also like that it has a happy ending ending unlike the majority of the one page scripts. The line that Jacob uses when he enters as the eighty year old seems a bit odd to me. I wouldn't think he'd make a joke about giving at the office but would be more concerned about convincing Bud that he is his son.

David D. DeBord (Level 5)

Simple little story. Morality play. It seemed a bit forced to me. Not very subtle. Everything said, stated, with no subtext or implied meanings. Maybe that’s fine but I’d like something less defined and on the nose.

Still, nothing really wrong with a good message script.

David M Troop (Level 4)

Good title. Good message.

People from the future giving heed to themselves or family members is way overdone -- but, saying that, I still enjoyed this.

Maybe remove old Jacob's first lines. Start scene with Bud "You got the wrong house."

The LATER should be on a separate line (I know. Only one page.) If you need it at all.

David Serra (Level 4)

Very interesting and well written.

I liked the twist in the end and the moral of the story.

The conflict is spot on and blends well with the situation.

One of my favorites.

Derek Anderson (Level 4)

Cool idea. I think having Jacob in his 80's was a bit too old. He lost his father obviously when he was much younger, so why does he go back in time 50-60 years later when he's already 80? Seems like he would've come to grips with it by then.

Would love to see an expanded version of this to really capture the emotion.

It's a GOOD from me.

Derek Collins (Level 4)

This reminds me of that one episode of Southpark "My Future Self and Me". It's not too bad. Normally I would say that dialog like that is way too on the nose, however given the circumstances its actually quite appropriate. Overall pretty good job.

Elaine Clayton (Level 4)

Your script was succinct and different. Some of the dialogue could be tweaked, so it reads a little more naturally. The ending for me was a little forced - a very big turn around for an alcoholic, but a good try at getting it all into one page.

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

This is really very good, and has an excellent message. I wonder about parenthetical directions in the description, and it could be expanded a bit, but still, very good.

Fred Koszewnik (Level 5)

A competent, well written script. The biggest problem is that so much of the story is explained verbally to push the story forward. Clever to be sure with the time travel elements, but still less visually moving. Show, don't explain. Continued good success.

Gary Rademan (Level 5)

The highlight of this page was the old man's dialogue. The rest of it was rather plain. The old man must have been super fond of his dad to do something about it when he was 80. The reason given for his dad's death was hard to believe.

Hold on. Time travel my ass. He never verified who the old man was! This could have been any old man sent by a friend or wife.

VERY GOOD!

Greg Tonnon (Level 5)

Title - shouldn't it be Child IN the future?
Craft - your craft is good.
Dialogue - the dialogue, Jacob in particular, doesn't seem natural.
Action lines - your action lines are fine.
Story - the story is interesting.

Heidtmann Oppong (Level 4)

Enjoyed reading your script. Jacob appears in the future only to warn dad about his boozing addiction. Bud makes no big deal out of it ("Less") which of coarse will claim his life ("More") say's Jacob in the future. Isn't it? Whatever. Just love your script. Cograts!

Jaclyn Boser (Level 3)

I honestly don't understand the line "because you gave at the office," but otherwise I think this is a good concept although a bit unrealistic and dramatic. I like the part with the son playing with the beer bottles. I've seen it more than a few times in life and it shows plainly what a horrible example the father is for his son at such a young and impressionable age. Poor little Jacob. I also like that the father is smart and strong enough to kick the habit in favor of being there for his son as a good father and role model. More young dads should follow suit.

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

"because you gave at the office" - What does that mean?

I don't think this should have started comedic, or ended as dramatic -- with a tear. You need to find that perfect blend.

Why would the old guy kid around with him? Why would't he tell his something very factual about his life right from the start, so he knows he's dead serious?

But I guess that would be too easy and not make a great story.

Jeff Ferry (Level 4)

A very engaging story. It is a well worn idea, but you handled it with grace and a good style of writing. I didn't see any spelling or formatting issues. I don't have much to say it was a nearly flawless story.

Joseph Conway (Level 2)

You're on the right track. The ending has a good punch. I just know there's a better way to arrive there.

Kind of like It's A Wonderful Life. You need a really effective realization.

Still not bad though.

Kelley Allen (Level 3)

Initial Gut Reaction: Good but a wee bit sentimental at the end.

Story: Good. Suggestion: How about adding some visual feature to the story to make the character of old Jacob more feasible. However, after Jacob disappears, there's a flash of light or something to that effect?

Formatting: Very good. I probably would have placed O.C. on a separate line.

Dialogue: Very good.

Characters: Good.

Rating: Good.

Good luck and keep writing!

Kenneth Hurd (Level 4)

I think this story works as a single page story. Your dialogue, for the most part, feels fine. I did laugh when Jacob said that he was Bud's son from the future. That line just read a bit forced. I do think that your conclusion comes a bit too abrupt, because I wouldn't imagine that Bud would listen to this old guy, especially if Bud is a heavy alcoholic. One direction that I think you could have gone in would have been for a more subtler approach. You could have avoided Jacob telling him that he was his son from the future, because Bud probably would have immediately thought of him as crazy, anyway, but instead have had him scare Bud into quit drinking. Then, at the end we find out that the baby is named Jacob, too, just as we learn that the older Jacob was from the future. Just a thought. Overall, I enjoyed the script.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

I liked the idea of it. I think that the story is not for a one pager. I think it should take Bud more time to believe his son/old man. Especially if he is a drinker - the first reaction from him could be " am I drunk?" I also think it could be so much funnier. But good job anyways, it's clearly written and on the pages.

Kirk White (Level 5)

not crazy about the title but the script works. it's well crafted and paced. I could use some more interaction..."oh yeah, PROVE it" kinda stuff but overall I think it's nice.

giving a good.

Kisha King (Level 4)

Interesting story. This is a common story line and I am surprised that there isn't more to the story. Even though this is only one page I think you could of done more with the story.
The set up at the beginnning just don't seem to work. I think another story line with Jacob and the father could work. Jacob could be younger in his thirties or a teenager that hit rock bottom and blames his father. I think there are other ways to getting this story out with some depth.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Heartwarming story idea. Tugs at the heart. Could easily imagine this short on film.
Might tighten here and there. The O.C. or O.S. probably isn't necessary. Give the KNOCK, KNOCK its own line. Don't need "Nah." May not need the wryly "sarcastically"; the line is clear as written. "Bud finds the old man is gone" could be condensed into a stronger statement. Bud seems to be the no-nonsense type, so may not need him to shed a tear before snagging the can from baby Jacob.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

The title is okay.

Formatting and spelling are okay, too.

This seems crammed onto one page, though. Not because there are too many words, but because there isn't enough story. I really think this would work better if it were longer.

Your first action segment should be split into two, the second beginning with the "O.C. KNOCK KNOCK" line. You could edit down the last segments to gain a line to accomplish this.

Introduce the BOY as JACOB, and don't expect the audience to believe that Bud is able to identify the three year old and the eighty year old as the same person. That's what the "gapes" implies to me. Why would he gape at an old man at his door otherwise?

You might have a decent idea here, but it doesn't work at one page.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

"No get out of here because you gave at the office?"
I'm not sure what this line means.

Are prisons arranged in units?

It might be more interesting if Bud didn't cry at the end, leaving the audience to realize the ending for themselves.

Good.

Masoud Soheili (Level 4)

I always think of a story about a "TIME MACHINE" idea.
Nowdays , its really impossible to made something that break times,but not sure about future.
So,the idea is that from now going to future or past is not good, but if someone from future come to now seems believable...
And you did it well,
I like the story and your writing

Matthew Fettig (Level 5)

Decent title. I'm a little torn on the choice of the word "of" in the title though.

An emotional little story - a visit from the future trying to prevent a life from going off track.

I find the ending interesting because it's not clear that Bud has made a conscious decision to change. Maybe I'm reading it wrong, but to me it sounds like Bud plans to take his son out to get an ice cream. If so, is it on that trip that he runs over the other kid? It's just hanging out there. I like that uncertainty.

In your opening action line, you don't need to indicate O.C. for the knock on the door. Sounds aren't off camera, people are.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

A good moral tale delivered from the future. Neat idea, well executed.

Olga Tremaine (Level 4)

Interesting title.
Jacob's opening dialog doesn't make sense to me. What office is he talking about?
I'd like to get an explanation how the heck old Jacob went to the past, maybe a hint.
"O.C. KNOCK KNOCK." - not sure it's the right way to put it.
Otherwise, interesting story.

Pete Barry (Level 5)

The basic idea is good: kid comes back from the future to save his old man's life. Bud's house is a good measure of his character; you've visually created a good backdrop for this encounter.

What they say is half-realistic, half-expository. "It's your kid!" is just silly, he would introduce himself as Jacob, if anything. The conversation goes quickly. Is this all the time Jacob has? I mean, there's no suggestion as to what his time-travel method is, but it reduces the entire script to an argument, no real action. The end works on a basic level, but Bud's change of heart is a little humdrum, no punch.

It's a good idea, it just needs some tightening up.

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5)

This is a simple story that has a nice moral message. It might be that the early part of the story is a bit awkward to follow, but I got it in the end.

Reginald Beltran (Level 4)

"... because you gave at the office?" Typo? Should be "... because you gave up at the office."

LATER - should be on a separate line, but understandable due to the page limits.

I liked the author's sentimental aim.

Reginald McGhee (Level 0)

Bud’s future son tells him his life down the road. It has a sense of conflict and the storyline is like a puzzle. I think it’s a cool punch line at the end where Bud’s future son disappears just as he concludes that Bud actually did die. Thus, this gives me the impression that Bud continued to drink anyway since Jacob implied that the prsion guard actually did kill Bud when Jacob said he lost his dad. That means Bud hasn’t really changed his drinking habits, even though he claims that he will stop drinking by Bud’s last line of dialogue, when he tells his child that's enough, which doesn't really mean that he'll stop drinking. It’s a gripping story.

The action lines are lean. You have a unique writing style with words. I haven’t really notice any grammar errors.

The dialogue has so much subtext that it is ridiculous (in a good way). I can imagine one of my friends reading this to try to figure this out.

The characters are gripping. Bud is a likable character even though I assumed that he hasn’t changed his drinking ways. It’s said though. I think he’d rather drink anyway since he assumed that his prison guard will go even on him and not actually kill him.

Overall, it’s packed with strong conflict and misdirection.

Rich Keel (Level 4)

Good little story. Nice "Drinking and Driver" PSA announcement, but what else can you do with one page. This actually fits the contest well.

Good luck to you this month.

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

Sweet tale. I liked the idea and premise but the visuals weren't there. We can see the beer cans and little else. Maybe not have the Son engage in conversation. Maybe show the incident that was the Dad's third strike - something to break up the exchange of dialogue. Still, you did bring the character arc complete and told a complete story - good job.

Rik Battaglia (Level 3)

Perfect ending, and new begining! Looooove this! :-)

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

I think you did well to tell a story in one page. I don't really buy that he would change that quickly. Something other than his son showing up at his door, might have worked better. Show us something he did with his toddler that was dangerous, maybe falling asleep in a drunken stupor, and waking to find his son gone, but he manages to find him, maybe he wandered down the street or something. Something scary that would make him think twice about drinking anymore.

Just seemed a little too easy for him to accept that this was his kid from the future, and suddenly change. People need a kick in the head to get them to change. Usually.

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

Great story! But now the question is...how will the world change now that Bud will quit drinking, won't hit the kid, won't die at the hands of the prison guard, and will live an extra, say, 25 years? What great things will he do?

We'll never know, and it doesn't really matter, but it does make you wonder whenever you read one of these time travel stories where someone comes back and changes the past.

But, ignoring that, this is a really good story. An old man who suffered through life without a father comes back and tries to fix that for the little kid who is now what he was 80 or so years earlier in his life. Great!

A great idea and well written. I really enjoyed reading it.

My score: Excellent.

Shane Harkin (Level 3)

I feel like more should have been made of the fact that the son's life has fallen apart because of his dad's death. I thought you wrapped it up nicely though. One page is probably not enough space to develop a satisfying time-travel story, as it is it felt a bit rushed.

Sylvester StBrice (Level 2)

The story the writer created was good but it was too big to be placed on a page.It opens and closes leaving the reader with so many questions,which comes down to the result of the reader not caring for the characters and the point the story was trying to give off.The second was punctuation which told a story of it's own but all in all it could be an easy fix.Though the grade for this 1 page script is bad, the writer shows unbelievable talent,they just need a little guidance,the writer could be the next Spielberg,in my opinion,because in order to rise up,you must fall really hard.

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

I liked this. I think the beginning could be stronger, deal more with the identity/acceptance of the old man as being from the future. Like instead of him showing up at the door have him magically materialize in the living room - that would give Bud a reason to believe!

Tim Westland (Moderator)

Dialogue:

It's a little on the predictable side and could be cut for better effect.

For example, try this:

JACOB
Quit the booze, Dad.

BUD
Let me guess - it's gonna kill me.

JACOB
No, the prison guard whose kid you
ran over is gonna do that for ya.

BUD
Right.

JACOB
Third strike. The guards look out for
their own and, well, they got even.

You call Bud "Bud" and awful lot. We know he's the main character, so you can use "He" when needed. Sounds more natural.

Example:

Before: Bud glances at the boy. When Bud turns back to Jacob, Bud finds the old man is gone.
After: Bud turns, glances at the boy. When he turns back, the old man is gone.


The Ending:

Again, a tad on the nose. Especially with the solitary tear. Make it a bit more real and dramatic (as opposed to melodramatic).

Something like:

Bud closes the door. He turns and sees his kid put an empty beer to his mouth. Bud thinks hard, then walks over and gently takes the can from the boy. He picks him up and looks into his eyes.

BUD
What say you and me go get us
an ice cream?

The bones of this are good... you just need to do a little more work on it.

Wes Worthing (Level 5)

Something about the execution of this piece doesn't pull me in completely, I think the clunky first paragraph; but I love the concept, and it did pull on my heartstring.

William D. Prystauk (Level 5)

This was really going somewhere, but the ending didn't satisfy. I think if you expand upon this story, you'll have more room to work with dialogue. However, the ending really needs to be something to jolt the Dad as well as the audience.

You may want to check out Stuart Archer's BOBBY LOVES MANGOES (1998).

Comments Made After the Contest