Comments Made During the Contest

Ammar Salmi (Level 5)

Plot:I like the metaphor. Certainly the piece got a message in it, but the way you delivered it wasn't interesting enough. It just felt dull.
Dialogue: Spotless.
Characters: Good.
Writing/style: Good but I didn't like the way you treated the scene-heading. It's good to have your own voice, but nothing that distract the reader is good. Nothing.

Pros: Great message.
Cons: Poorly delivered.

Ayal Pinkus (Level 5)

That is certainly a grim dark look on life! Poor people in developing countries, the wealthier not really caring about them, politicians doing nothing, and then your fantasy, what if you were god? You'd flick all of earth into the sun.

Only, you are giving us your opinion rather than showing us. A documentary format can show how things really are. You're showing stereotypes of Africa, stereotypes of the rich in Beverly Hills, stereotypes of politicians, and concluding that life isn't worth it.

Problem is I think you're wrong and your depictions of life on earth are wrong. That is not how things really are in my experience.

Have you ever been to Africa? (Yes I have, I was born there).

Ever been among that Beverly Hills crowd? I haven't either but I suspect they are a little bit more humane than you give them credit for.

Ever been close to people who are in politics? They do it because they want to make the world a better place actually, mostly, to make a difference, to improve the life of others.

So you see I don't really buy your premise, you haven't 'shown' me, you haven't convinced me. You have just given me your opinion by throwing cliches at me.

I think life is beautiful. There. Did that convince you? ;-)

Bill Clar (Level 5)

Good title. Has me hoping for lots of big monsters stepping on politicians and executive producers. Hey, I can dream!

"DAY, NIGHT, WHATEVER" I love it. You'll catch some flack from other reviewers, but regardless of format, it sets the tone.

"They mow down". Who's "they"? Can you describe them?

Your ending is funny, but it doesn't tie into the story. I assume we doomed ourselves to become a giant pinball into the sun, but I'm not 100%. If you had more pages to play with you could introduce an alien or two for exposition...and step on some executive producers.

Bill Sarre (Level 4)

well you didn't hold back there did you.

Planet earth, into africa, beverly hills, washington back to a thumb flicking planet earth into the sun.

One page!!

Overall a decent effort. My comments would be;

1] too much for this type of script - i think message could have been handled in a simpler fashion.

2] touch too moralising - after all wasn't there aid workers trying to help folk, isn't that good? The gun men weren't american either so one could argue why should another country take the blame for another actions. In short, the moral debate is open to interpretation. If there is an all powerful force out there i don't think it would see this as clear cut.

all the best

Byron Matthews (Level 4)

Yeah, Earth sucks man! Flick that bull crap, man! Okay, back to being serious. Not a bad one pager. You were able to achieve a lot in one page. Great imagery. Great writing skills. The message was not bad. Great job.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

WE zoom towards it? Please don't use we. I am certainly not in space.

Women, children, aid workers etc. Need to be capitalised when first mentioned.

I DO like this, especially the end. I think you need to work on it a bit more to balance out the sections better. At the moment, because of the dialogue, the poolside section seems to carry more weight than the rest which unbalanced it.

Chris Setten (Level 4)

The story is effective in highlighting a sad commentary on the disparities of the world we live in. It is also a fatalistic piece, offers no solutions merely embraces an existential denouement to life as we know it. While I believe that the piece has a moral and thus a purpose it isn't a story in the classical sense.

Christina Anderson (Level 4)

Well, what the hell am I supposed to say to that?

It's not much of a story-- but that's how the world goes round.

Personalizing it into one character's struggle-- screw that too.

It's a VERY GOOD sketch piece, an unflattering commentary on the way of things here on Earth.

Daniel Ackerman (Level 3)

I am not sure of the point you are trying to make here. Is it that the Hollywood only pretends to care? That politicians quack but get nothing done? Is it that the earth's problems are just a speck in the huge universe? Or some combination of the above. I think this leaves too many questions. Also, why are only the women and children killed. Is it like the old joke - the world to end tomorrow, women and children hit hardest.

David D. DeBord (Level 5)

Ah, a little political/social statement. I like the flick of the planet toward the sun. Nice touch. The producer-starlet interchange did feel rather forced, however. I thought it was too exactly what I would expect. The congressional confrontation, when the dialog was simply quack-quack I thought was great. It abstracted what was happening yet seemed completely what the alien (giant hand) might perceive. The producer-starlet dialog might corresponding be Me-Duh-Me-Duh or something else (you could do much better than I just did) that abstractly does what the congressional scene does. Still, I liked many parts of this script.

David M Troop (Level 4)

Not bad. A little preachy, perhaps.
Although, I do share much of the opinions -- we as human beings are self-centered, lazy, and capable of horrific acts against each other--
The ending seemed to throw off the tone of the piece.
I understand your message, it just reminded me of a Terry Gilliam cartoon foot squashing the Earth with a fart noise behind it.

David Serra (Level 4)

You broke the fourth wall by mentioning "we".

Plus this would be very difficult to film, unless you were planning on making a home movie. Also your headings need revision.

Denise Jewell (Level 4)

Funny in that sad, yeah we deserved that kind of way. Obviously very cynical, but I like it. I think I might reduce the hollywood scene and add other scenes, like maybe showing birds caught in an oil spill, or a person in a limo flipping a cigarette out that hit's a homeless person. Anyway, this hits the right notes - well done!

Derek Anderson (Level 4)

inches should be inch

I know this starts off with a serious tone, but I love the dark comedic twist to it. Great visuals. I loved it. In fact, it just might be my favorite so far this month.

"All we hear is the sound of ducks quacking wildly." -- LOVED this line. I laughed out loud. Great job! It's an Excellent from me

Derek Collins (Level 4)

I'm not quite sure how to feel about this one. One one hand it is a pretty interesting concept, but on the other... I don't know, it just doesn't do anything for me. There isn't anything I can really point out that is technically wrong with it... but there isn't anything that I can point out that really draws me in... I gotta say, it is quite middle of the road, so I have to give you a quite middle of the road score.

Elaine Clayton (Level 4)

This one didn't flow well structurally. I thought the action lines and individual scenes were well written and the language was clear, but as a whole piece it didn't work. The final scene did nothing for the story, your technical ability surpasses your dramatic arc construction (at the moment).

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

Man, that is a horrible slug line but you made it funny because you don't really know, so it's okay, EXT. NEAR EARTH ORBIT - SPACE would be correct, or even simpler, EXT. SPACE. There's no DAY or NIGHT in space. But you might want to put in the description if we are looking at the day or night side of the planet (like you did).

I don't know what a technical vehicle might be armed or otherwise. I need to be able to visualize this cool sounding weapon.

Was that like, non sequitur? At least you went back to space to bookend the action. Dig the end visual. Good job, a nice nihilistic statement!

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

I really enjoyed this intelligent script. Well written. It earned an excellent from me.

Fred Koszewnik (Level 5)

Scary how I found myself wanting to cheer on the hand of God punting the earth into the sun after reading your brilliantly presented script. Horrific tragedy, meaningless and indifferent ways of dealing with this tragedy, further squawking duck politicians totally incapable of actually dealing with the problem - and a terrific ironic ending by the hand of God. Just brilliant, beginning to end. Continued good success.

Gary Rademan (Level 5)

Heavy handed? Perhaps.

The initial scene heading could be EXT. SPACE and the opening paragraph "Earth looks like...".

When possible, I usually avoid quotation marks following the logic that they distract the eye and that if the meaning can't be grasped without them, you're not being clear. For example, armed "technical" vehicle could have been simply military or armed vehicle.

Hold on. I can see that "technical" is meant as a negative observation on classification of military vehicles. (No, that's not a tank, it's a technical vehicle used in demolition.) I don't know how you'd show that to us in a one pager.

GOOD

Greg Tonnon (Level 5)

Title - The title works well for this story.
Craft - your craft is mostly very good but you should avoid "We" in your action line We zoom toward it.
Dialogue - there is limited dialogue but what is there is fine. I like the ducks quacking but there is another "we" there.
Action lines - your action lines are mostly fine.
Story - the story is good and ending the world in one page is quite an accomplishment.

Heidtmann Oppong (Level 4)

Cleverly, skillfully and Professionally written. One of my best read so far. Though i didn't really notice the Contest Name in your script, i still mark you good for the clarity and realism of your script. Good job!

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

Don't get it. IT's not really a story.

The world is shit. That's it. You need a protagonist in this. Someone we feel for, root for. Maybe start with a kid in Africa, they escape the shooting, then talk to some people who seem to be there to help, but they only want to take pictures? I dunno... You just need something that makes us care for A character.

Jeff Ferry (Level 4)

The title was very interesting. I thought this was a pretty decent story with a blah ending. It feels like a story you really enjoyed writing and had to throw an ending on it. I liked the first 80 percent of it.

Joseph Conway (Level 2)

Really didn't know what that was all about.

Didn't get the pay off or anything, didn't feel like there was a point to the whole script, or even just a beginning, middle and end.

Prose was still sharp.

Kelley Allen (Level 3)

Initial Gut Reaction: Fun / surreal sketch about how futile it all is! (Where's the razor blade?) Reminds me quite a lot of the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy in both the story and writing style.

Story: Very good. You managed to jam quite a lot in an one-pager without making it seem too jam-packed.

Formatting: Very good.

Dialogue: Funny. Love the quacking ducks.

Characters: The Beverly Hills couple is a bad but funny stereotype.

Nit-picking: Cut down on all the champagne!

"Inch", not "inches"

"Congressmen"

Rating: Very good.

Good luck and keep writing!

Kenneth Hurd (Level 4)

This one really didn't work for me. I get your message that you're trying to convey, but I felt that it was a bit too heavy handed for this script. I thought that the scene in Africa was very powerful, but the scene in Beverly Hills felt a bit out of place while the scene in Washington just felt forced.

I felt that your descriptions were a bit too wordy, and you could have rewritten it in a lot less words. "Skimpy bikinis and expensive champaign are the order of the day" doesn't really tell me anything. When writing a screenplay, only focus on what we see. Yes, we can see the skimpy bikinis, but I can't see that the champaign is expensive; in fact, if it were being filmed it wouldn't even matter if it were champaign in the glass. I think this would work better in an expanded script where you have time to flesh out your ideas.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

This is much like an art-house script. I understand where you going with this - it's a clear entry.
I don't care for the world your created though not sure why. Maybe because it's a little on the nose.
I know it'll find its supporters.
The subject is too broad for a one-pager, I think. Maybe just me.

Kirk White (Level 5)

Very Monty Pythony and I dig it….the spirit of it at least. The script itself has moments of great potential but I don’t think it quite unfolds as well as it could. And perhaps this is only a matter of page restriction holding this back; once the contest is over, maybe you could expand. Right now it feels a little light on the build-up to your EXCELLENT conclusion. I almost want to see more and by seeing more I may get a little more of your point of view. Right now this script feels like it says 45% of something….and I want to hear everything.

Giving a good.

Kisha King (Level 4)

In the beginning I wasn't to sure about the title but this time I really like it. The title really matches the story and the story is really good. I really like how you put this together. It seems very creative and sad but funny but really sad because it is so true. I really like how you incorporate the truth and you make this one page look like so much more.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Compelling visual elements. Provides some great mental pictures. Love all the colorful description, particularly equating the angry congressman to "the sound of ducks quacking wildly." Brilliant.
A couple real picky observations --
Wonder whether the tone should play it straight. The time of day, "whatever," comes across a little flippant. Don't think it's necessary; the narrative is strong. Not familiar with what "an...'technical' vehicle" is. Figured that it's a jeep-like vehicle with guns which is clear enough.
A terrific story in a single page. Excellent.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

The title is good.

Formatting, punctuation and spelling are all good.

I really dislike one sided political statements, but that isn't what I'm getting here.

The visuals are good. I especially like the visual of the congressmen quacking at each other.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

This had a definite Monty Python feeling to it. If you could animate the Earth in a similar way to Terry Gilliam (of course, then you wouldn't be able to zoom through the atmosphere) it would take some of the savage edge off it but keep it as effective satire.

Very good.

Masoud Soheili (Level 4)

I like the title, but for me it is just common story
just a story. Maybe it is not enough to describe that kind of story
in one page..and I am sure you can make better than that.
Good job anyway..

Matthew Fettig (Level 5)

Big title! Let's see if the story matches...

A humorous little political/cultural commentary.

On the technical side, don't use " " to draw attention to words. If the word itself doesn't convey the meaning you want, find a word that does. I don't know what a "technical" vehicle is even with the quotes.

how do we the water in the cups is brackish? How do we know the guy in the Speedo is a producer or the gorgeous woman is a starlet?

It gave me a chuckle but I didn't get the sense that you put a great deal of effort into the writing on this.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

Nicely written with some very visual description.

It is however, pretty much, the ending of the first Men In Black film!

Good writing but not very original - is anything these days?

Olga Tremaine (Level 4)

Interesting work. I would say it's a bit scattered, too many locations and too many characters, but in this case it could work because you wanted to portray world wide chaos.
It's written pretty good, so I don't see how it can be improved any further. I like the ending, sort of a humorous kick from God.

Pete Barry (Level 5)

It's a zany Terry Gilliam piece with a real sense of righteous anger behind it. I actually guffawed at the first slug line, although afterwards the slightly cynical attitude of it soured me a little. Each scene is solid on its own, although the mowing down of the African villagers is handled pretty abruptly.

While I can (on bad days) appreciate the sentiment, it's pretty hopeless. It's funny enough, but the zaniness has the air taken out of it by the fact that, in the end, it's a big fuck you to the human race. It's a throwing up of the hands, instead of - as I think Gilliam might - an attitude that the whole thing sucks, so you gotta laugh. This is pissed-off, not what the hell. That's not necessarily bad, but the medium doesn't quite reflect the message.

That's pretty esoteric criticism, however - on the whole, it's well done.

Reginald Beltran (Level 4)

"EXT. OUTER SPACE, NEAR EARTH - DAY, NIGHT, WHATEVER" From the scripts I've read you can have "Ext. Space" with no time stamp. As is, it looks awkward.

I think the author is making a social commentary of society's indifference to what ails the world. Hence, the "flick" of the Earth into the sun.

It felt more like a montage of scenes to get a point across rather than a traditional narrative. Preachy, but decent effort.

Reginald McGhee (Level 0)

A creature, or someone on the map of the Earth throws it towards the sun, while everyone in different countries do their everyday events, such as politicians running their daily errands, etc. While this is a cool concept, I’m not sure what the message of this story is. Is the large hand an alien? I’m also afraid that the twist where the hand throws Earth towards the sun doesn’t work unless I’m missing a point. But it did add a nice effect to the story. The central conflict of this story could be a little stronger if the characters knew that the world is ending. As it is now, I don’t think the central conflict is as strong to its full potential.

I can see the story unfolds as the visual descriptions gives me a mental image of what the story is. Your writing is lean and clean on the other hand. Good work.

As far as the characters, we really have no one to root for. These are just characters being prepared for the end of the world.

The dialogue is natural as it is. However, there are few subtexts in there, but they don’t really give any meaning to the story.

Overall, this could be strengthened up with a stronger character and conflict.

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

There was a certain coldness in the writing that kept me from being engaged in this piece. However cyncical one's views, a stereotype works in extremely short pieces but this lacked having a character that we can identify and empathize with. I understand you might be trying to make a statement but it's so broad that it ends up being innocuous. I think you shold also change the title since your script has very little to do with the planet itself - it's more about the types of humans that inhabit it -- make it end of 'life as we know it' or something.

Rik Battaglia (Level 3)

Oh my, the george carlin theory!! We all feel this jaded and defeated at times. I'm giving an excellent friend because this is so damn real. :-(

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

Ah, very clever. I really liked this. I loved the final image. Well done. I gave it a very good.

Shane Harkin (Level 3)

A potentially funny concept and conclusion, but the sudden burst of violence near the beginning does not feel earned, or necessary. It's too much. The script works as a bizarre, surreal comedy but women and children in Africa being mown down by gunfire is neither fitting nor appropriate for this material. I think you can portray indifference to some kind of human suffering in a less gruesome way, something more in-keeping with the offbeat nature of the rest of the script.

Sylvester StBrice (Level 2)

To tell the truth, I stopped at the very first master scene.Pretty much,all you needed was INT.SPACE,but you rambled on to placing day and night at the same time ending it in "WHATEVER".As far as I seen before clicking it off,the action description was to wordy and out of format.To sum it up,even if you were just playing when you wrote"DAY,NIGHT,WHATEVER"as a part of the master heading,I still wouldn't read your screenplay.To you it probably is a choke but to others who use this to make a living or use this to achieve a dream that seems impossible,take it serious.You're screenplay who ever you are is a joke and so are you.

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

Clever joke, I gave it a bonus point because it made me laugh. Not much of a story or characters to hang onto with the God POV.

Tim Westland (Moderator)

Visuals are written really well. You're craft is very good.

Unfortunately, the ending is such that it almost mocks what came before it. It's kind of a silly, flippant ending in contrast to the serious and heart wrenching issues you raise earlier.

Wes Worthing (Level 5)

I loved this story from just the first slugline. Great use of contrasting settings even without the DC element; but with the government scene, especially the quacking, it was the icing on the cake. I can tell the writer knew exactly what they wanted to "say", and put their own witty and caring personality into the writing. This would be a riot to watch on the screen, but, my favorite part, is that it's also poignant. One minute, one major emotion, one excellent script. This SHOULD place in the top 3.

William D. Prystauk (Level 5)

I'm not really sure how to approach this one. Anyway, the end seems to go against everything you worked so hard to establish. If the poor and unfortunate are suffering, why kill them off like the others? To make the story more well-rounded, maybe the UN should have been arguing over what to do since you had already visited Hollywood.

Comments Made After the Contest

KP Mackie (Level 5) ~ 8/1/2012 1:01 AM

One of my handful of excellents.
Scoring seems way off. (Just read the good stuff.) :)
Love the mental images.

Scott Merrow (Level 5) ~ 8/1/2012 1:23 AM

Thank you, KP.

@Sylvester StBrice: Expand your horizons, brother. And while my screenplay (and the opening slugline) may have been a little tongue-in-cheek, it wasn't a "choke". (At least, not intentionally.) I, on the other hand, might be, as you suggest.

Wes Worthing (Level 5) ~ 8/1/2012 3:59 AM

Scott, I thought this was awesome. Big contrasting set pieces and as a film it would entertain.

Scott Merrow (Level 5) ~ 8/1/2012 8:13 AM

Thanks Wes.

Derek Anderson (Level 4) ~ 8/1/2012 6:02 PM

"You're screenplay who ever you are is a joke and so are you."
Hahaha this guy^^
Jokes on him... It's YOUR not YOU'RE

Seriously, this was my favorite this month. Can't even fathom all the low ratings. Congrats

David M Troop (Level 4) ~ 8/1/2012 6:14 PM

@ Sylvester StBrice,
I cannot wait to read your first contest entry this month.
@Scott,
Sheesh. Newbies. I gave you a Good, buddy. We got your back.