Comments Made During the Contest

Avel El (Level 1)

There is certainly good dialogue here, and a realistic idea. But it's a little random: two long lost friends meet up at the park, then one just...walks away? It could be more powerful if they somehow met up in another way. The little twist at the end was great though.

Ayal Pinkus (Level 5)

The title... maybe needs work. It is too long, hard to remember, and it doesn't seem to be what the story is about.

An awkward moment. Like "How's your wife doing?" "She's dead" "Oh... um, sorry...". That is what this page is about, it builds up to an awkward moment. You can definitely shoot this on a low budget!

I feel it is a bit thin for one page though. You padded the page out with a lot of hysteric "hey how are you doing!", dialogue that doesn't strictly push the story forward. It is one scene, where Liz discovers something about Julie. Liz tries to connect to Julie, she discovers something and they disconnect. I think if you manage to do that on a breathtakingly high pace, changes from connect to disconnect and back, discovery, decision, in every line of dialogue, you'll capture your audience.

So do that, but more of it :-) Check out Sex in the city, they have breathtakingly fast paced scenes of discovery, decision, connect and disconnect alternating at light speed.

I hope you make it into something more high-octane.

Bill Clar (Level 5)

Unique title.

Don't use ampersands in dialogue.

Your title leans towards humor yet your subject matter is dramatic and somber.

I don't sense any internal conflict from Julie. She's at peace, at least that's what I see from your writing.

I see a change in Liz's attitude upon learning of the cancer, but she's not the protagonist.

Overall, I can see this being filmed. It's a touching subject.

Bill Sarre (Level 4)

Just about get the title - maybe a little cute.

I like the idea, a quick meeting, a history between them etc I assume Julie doesn't have cancer, or if she does, she is at peace about it ? This could have been clearer for the punch line to really work, but it was ok. Also with liz, if she is meant to be the annoying voice of the past, with those polite put downs, maybe she could have a little more bite, although that was played pretty well.

The first slug line seemed unnecessarily long and detailed, even down to the weather and the season. Nit picks I know, but just saying.

I think this has some potential.

Byron Matthews (Level 4)

Cute and clever title. I liked your story very much. Powerful stuff. It's a quick scene but the exposition works for me in this situation. You used it beautiful here. Very good stuff.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

It's a shame you have to tell us how to pronounce the title. perhaps better to do it on the title page so it doesn't make the title itself look clumsy?

I didn't understand the title anyway, having read the script!

I couldn't understand why you had to specify the exact venue. Is that important to the story?

It was a clever and sad story idea.

Chris Setten (Level 4)

I had to read it twice to make sure I got it completely and once I did I really liked the story. Your setting could be explained a tad bit more. The dialogue was excellent and the heart of the story about the weight loss attributable to cancer just punched me hard in the solar plexus, good stuff. The title is...well...hmmm.

Christina Anderson (Level 4)

On it's own that title is obscene. (the parenthetical is unnecessary, if they get the Meloncamp reference, it's our inside joke; and if not God bless their young hearts)

Then I read the script, and where does Black fit in?

The script, it's one of life's awkward moments-- it's one GOOD scene, but not a self-contained story.

Daniel Ackerman (Level 3)

This was interesting because it shows a very ackward situation. Liz thinks she is complementing Julie but then the ackward reveal. I do not think it is a good idea to put "pronounced Diane" in the title. Let the reader figure it out and there is no character named Diane. Also, I don't understand the "Peace Out" at the end as that is not proper format.

David D. DeBord (Level 5)

Julie’s quietness at first was certainly a clue that something else was going on besides a typical friend encounter in the park. Perhaps Liz’s enthusiasm was a bit forced but I sure know people who act and talk just like that. I did like the last line where Julie smiles into the breeze. That little non-expected action I think does a lot for the script. It is different than we might expect and I think it adds life to the story. Not sure about the "Jack and Dianne" reference, though. Seemed a bit forced to me.

David M Troop (Level 4)

This is a tough call.

How thin is the line between black comedy and bad taste? I guess it depends on the author's intention. What kind of reaction he or she is looking for.

The story is all pretty bland until we get the punch line. I actually winced.
Didn't laugh at all. I reread your script and gave you the benefit of the doubt.
I don't think you were going for a laugh. Still uncomfortable, though.

Not a big fan of the title. I get it, just seems too much.

Is there a reason this can't be filmed in any other park?

Use the word "and" instead of "&" - really.

A moment. Sorry, same as (beat). See July's poll question.

You do give us a chance to exhale with Liz's line and awkward hug at the end. Nice save. I think this is your intended punchline and laugh. But is it too late?

David Serra (Level 4)

Peace out?

Never hear that one before.

The story is sweet and to the point and I liked the dramatic change in Julie's attitude.

Derek Anderson (Level 4)

You sure had fun with this one. A John Mellencamp title that had very little to do with the story, except the correlation between "Dyin'" and Julie having cancer. Borders on tasteless.

I like your use of "Peace Out" instead of "The End" but, once again, someone dying of cancer is no laughing matter.

If you were to establish that Julie didn't have cancer and she was just saying that to make Liz feel like shit and get her to go away, THEN this would've been a really fun piece this month. But taking a serious subject as light-hearted as you did really comes across as flat.

I hope I didn't miss something! Good luck to you.

Derek Collins (Level 4)

Wow, that one came out of nowhere! The southern dialog was done to a tee. I don't know where the title came from, I mean I get it but its a little bit of a stretch and I think it is completely wrong for the script. I don't want to be overly harsh about the PEACE OUT thing... but I gotta tell you it left a really bad taste in my mouth, and after what I thought was a fantastic script. I don't know if you intended it to sound this way, but the way it comes across when I read it, you might as well have ended with YOUR WELCOME. It just reads... for lack of a better term, arrogant.

Donnetta Williams (Level 3)

The title and and story didn't pull together for me. Overall though good story. I found that the story's plot was evident a woman at peace with herself though she is possibly dying. Her attitude mentally allows her to get through what she is going through physically. On the outside looking in people see what you allow them to see.

Elaine Clayton (Level 4)

Format was correct but the substance of your story was a bit drab. Was this suppose to be factual or ironic? If it was factual the context was dull and if it was supposed to be ironic it really missed the mark. It was not an engaging story and while the cancer revelation was a surprise, the ending was a dead weight and very anti-climactic.

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

Not crazy about the title but the story was right to the point and well-written. Just one small point, the CONT'Ds in dialogue are not needed. If you use Final Draft, this feature can be turned off.

Felipe D. Machado (Level 4)

Not a fan of the title. It has very little to do with the story other than the fact that Liz sounds like a stereotypical black woman and Julie is dying. It doesn't really speak much for the situation as I don't see race really playing a significant part in the story.

The punchline was there and it was effective, I wouldn't have been able to guess it. The problem I have with this script as a whole is that it doesn't seem to mean much in the grand scheme of things. It feels like it's missing something.

With all that said, it was well-written and I was never confused. Pretty clean overall. Good job!

Fred Koszewnik (Level 5)

A powerful turn around and one I'd heard before in real life. The story reads well with believable dialogue. I guess I'm struck by the brevity of the presentation and just wish there were more meat on those bones. Continued good success.

Gary Rademan (Level 5)

As I live & breath? Cliche. But you know what? It gives us the character of a southern woman in a sentence. Sure it's stereotyping but it works. Nice to see Elizabeth have an uncomfortable moment and then overcome her initial embarrassment to hug Julie.

As for the title - either we'll get it or we won't, or maybe we'll get it later. No need to tell us how it's pronounced. And I kept wondering when Diane was going to appear.

Small wrinkles to iron out: The opening line should use "and" instead of "&". To fit it on one line, I'd leave Julie's last name off rather than use the ampersand. Is Julie black?

GOOD!

Greg Tonnon (Level 5)

Title - I don't think it is the best choice if it has to be explained in parenthesis.
Craft - your craft is very good.
Dialogue - the dialogue is fine, I like the ackward reveal about cancer.
Action lines - your action lines are clear and concise.
Story - I like the idea, ackward moments work well on screen.

Heidtmann Oppong (Level 4)

Very Funny. I like your style. Story was introduced well, your characters looked real. Love Liz dialogue, "I’ve not seen you in...oh my goodness...?," enthusiastic.

Cancer slims down chubby Julie. In line with the Contest Name. Well done.

Jaclyn Boser (Level 3)

This seems to want to tie itself to a somewhat famous melody, but the connection isn't much met. While it's sad to realize someone you know, in whatever way, has cancer, and awkward to realize your comments directly correlate to said disease, I feel that there ought to be mroe behind the esteemed rivalry. It seems the two have hisotry and while it might be difficult to play out, perhaps there could be more foreshadowing to make it easier for the reader/audience to decifer. In any case, it seems that one reading and recognizing the title might want som more connection, however macabre, to Jack and Diane.

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

"As I live & breathe" - AND not &

"Stand up and lemme take a look at you" - You never said Julie was sitting

very funny. It made me laugh out loud.

I don't get the title though. I googled the title and realized it's a common parody on Jack and Diane.

So are these women black? Okay, I think I get it now. The cancer reveal was still funny. (As terrible as that sounds)

You need to focus more on format though. This appeared to be written on word or something. Just use Celtx. It's free.

Jeff Ferry (Level 4)

The title is a bit cute for my taste as is the exit direction. The story itself was good, but a little choppy I felt. I liked the setup and delivery, but I never really cared about either character.

Joseph Conway (Level 2)

The title should have been a hint for me.

Very black humor. Maybe not a joke who want your little short to hinge on. I have a feeling Ricky Gervais will adore this.

I think there's a bit too much info in that title heading as well. I don't think directors like writers telling them what the weather's like.

Kelley Allen (Level 3)

Initial Gut Reaction: Yikes! I completely blushed on behalf of poor Liz.

Story: This seems more like a snippet from a longer script than an actual story. However, the setup is good and entertaining.

Formatting: Very good. I didn't see anything amiss.

Dialogue: One could just hear the southern twang. Very good.

Rating: Very good.

Good luck and keep writing!

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

I don't like your title - because I don't think this is the way it's going to look like on screen.
However, your "peace out" as well as "I have cancer" moment is funny. I don't think everyone will understand that humor here and laugh the way I do but I did.

This is really funny. It must be if I'm laughing outloud. I wonder if you intended it as funny though.

Kisha King (Level 4)

I thought the title would fit into the story some way but I don't see it. I think that kind of threw me off. In the beginning I think you forgot to tell us that Diana is sitting on the bench. I really like the conversation, it has such a nice flow to it. I really don't know about this PEACE OUT thing but I don't really like it because we are writing micro-short screenplay the way a screeplay suppose to be made.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Terrific punchline. Using "serene" is an interesting word choice. Coupled with Julie "smiles into the breeze," the word seems to infer that Julie has come to terms with her illness. Liz says to her, "Stand up," and Julie subsequently does, so perhaps Julie should be sitting on a bench or on the grass when she's initially introduced.
Liz's dialogue is a bit long, but the feeling that this woman is digging herself deeper and deeper into an uncomfortable situation is intensified by the length, good contrast and punctuated by Julie's simple three word admission, "I have cancer."
Wonder whether it's important that the story takes place in such a specific place, Piedmont Park in Savannah. Seems the exchange between Julie and Liz would still be as effective in any park setting.
The title is catchy, but the tone and comparison to the Mellencamp song is rather flippant, different from the semi-seriousness of the story.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

This was funny.

Although Liz's dialogue is really long, it works because she's the kind of character to completely monopolize a conversation like that.

Very good.

Masoud Soheili (Level 4)

What a bitter story..simple but touching story
The title for me is too long, but related to the story
well written, good grammar,very nice story
like it..with only one sentence "I have cancer" it represents
the whole story..good work

Matthew Fettig (Level 5)

Title - Change it if you feel the need to tell us how to pronounce a word. Could you really see that as the title (with the added note) on the cover of a produced film?

It's a very awkward and believable encounter. I don't feel it's a full story, just a moment in time.

Don't put descriptions in your scene headings, leave those for the action lines or dialogue. The same for your "PEACE OUT" at the end. For an unpublished writer, those things won't win you any points.

The dialogue was good. It felt real. The reveal wasn't expected by me though I imagine many others will say it was predictable based on the title. Liz's final comment was great also.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

I like the title very much and what an awkward moment - ouch.

Liz just awful! She comes to life very well and her dialogue is natural.

It does feel a little forced though, the moment that they meet.

Good job.

Olga Tremaine (Level 4)

The title is too long for such a short story, imo. It's probably me, but I didn't understand the title. Black. Is Julie black? Why Dyin' pronounced as Diane?
Peace out at the end instead of Fade out - might annoy agents if you send it out like this.
The fact that Julie smiles into the breeze makes me think she lied about cancer. I knew a few people with cancer and they were not smiling at all. But I guess it's okay for a movie, show the character's strength and being above the petty things.
Overall, it's a good story, I like it.

Pete Barry (Level 5)

Now that's a real gob smacker. The dialogue borders on corny but it hangs in there, and this piece takes its sweet time to build character before delivering an actual punch. The title doesn't work (especially the parenthetical) but the rest, right to the PEACE OUT, is exactly right.

Not much to say. Excellent job.

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5)

This is a short and bitter sweet gag. It works fine for me.

Reginald Beltran (Level 4)

Is the "Pronounced Diane" part of the title? Or is this an aside? Now, after I've read the title I don't get the aside about "diane".

A little too much clutter in the logline. Does it matter if it's in Savannah,Georgia? I think EXT. PARK - DAY suffices. Then in the action lines describe the "breeze blowing the fallen leaves - a cornucopia of colors swirling..." etc.

"Julie stands." Isn't she standing already?

For me, I actually thought Liz was revisiting an image of Julie. If filmed, there's room for symbolism here - the autumn setting, an older protag in her 40's. I liked it. Good job!

Reginald McGhee (Level 0)

This story has the same style of “I Love you, Goodbye,” in the Less is More Contest. With that in mind, this is a depressing yet interesting concept. I haven’t found anything illogical in this story. The storyline reads smoothly. The twist came out natural and it didn’t come out of nowhere. This story has enough conflict too.

The action lines are lean and clean and I haven’t found any grammatical problems.
Some of Liz’s dialogue is on the nose when she talks to her. I think the perfect grammar that makes it seem as if the dialogue is on the nose. But the rest of the dialogue reads naturally. The punch line is good.

I felt like I spent enough time with the characters. I’m just wondering why did Liz and Julie never see each other. A setup to that question might make the story more complete. Other than this, we can all relate to the character somehow.

Overall, the only problem (which isn't really a bad thing) I have with this story is the character's unexplained seperation. I wouldn't be surprised if this wins an Hornable mention.

Rich Keel (Level 4)

Not sure where the title fits with this at all execpt for the "Dyin'" part...so I feel your title actually hurts the script especially since you put the tone of the song in my head. :) I thought this was ok. The dialog seemed a little awkward or forced, or something. I thought the story flowed well though.

And in all honesty...the point is just to quick and uninteresting. This is far too short of a contest to have this script in. talk, talk talk..."I have Cancer." I do however like how you incorporate how people grow apart.

good luck to you this month.

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

I get the pun but I didn't care for the title. The twist was a very awkward moment and, without background to the present mindset and relationship of these women it's hard to tell just how awkward the moment felt but it rang with a loud clang and was unexpected (at least to me). This had an arc and told a complete story but the emotional impact might have been stronger in a 5 page challenge with more set up and more at stake. The dialogue seemed a little unnatural. Wish I could offer more help but it didn't sound like any two people I know.

Rik Battaglia (Level 3)

Sad yet cool. At least julie is at peace with it. Nice story. I must say the title is a tad well done, but this was a great story. :-)

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

I'm confused by the title. It doesn't seem to have any connection to the story, (unless I'm missing something and that is a possiblity)

So does Julie really have cancer, or did she just say that to make Liz feel stupid for making personal comments about her weight? I don't understand why Julie smiles at the end.

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

This is a very good story. Poignant and interesting...and awkward...and very well written.

My only three comments would be these: (1) It's not really unique. What you've illustrated here is a very common put-your-foot-in-your-mouth awkward moment. "Oh look at you, Marge. When's the baby due?" "Um, I'm not pregnant." Oops! My sister once told a woman she must be proud of her son. The woman replied, "That's not my son, it's my husband." Oops!

And (2) while it's certainly unfortunate that Julie has lost all this weight because of cancer, it's very cruel of her to blurt it out like that to Liz. It makes Julie less likable. (At least, it did for me.) There are kinder, gentler ways to break your bad news to other people and make an awkward moment a little less awkward. How do we suppose Liz feels right now?

(3) I don't get the title. At all. (I know it's a paraphrase of a John Cougar Mellencamp song, but I still don't get it.)

I did enjoy reading your script very much. It illustrates a very poignant and awkward moment nicely. But (in my opinion) it could use a little "fine tuning".

My score: Very Good.

Sean Chipman (Level 4)

There is a very good idea buried underneath a really weak execution. I love the idea of friends who haven't seen each other for a while then finding out one of them has cancer. It's kind of obvious at the end but it's a good kind of obvious. In other words, the right choice to go with and the only one I can see.

But, many things are a mess here. First of all, it's not terrible that your title rips off a Mellencamp song, but more that it's just a mouthful. Way too much title. Then, your first slugline lists a highly specific location. For a one-page script, unless it matters to the story, there's no reason to be that specific. Same with the "Sunny Autumn Day" part. Day works just fine and if you want to imply autumn, do it in the prose. Liz was an annoying chatterbox. There's lots of people out there like that and maybe she's supposed to be the "villain" of the story? I didn't like her but I liked Julie's understated reactions. Those felt natural. And, last but not least, instead of a "Fade Out", we have a "Peace Out". I've never seen that before and it just seems unnecessary.

So, fix up the slugline, try to make Liz less annoying, try a simpler-ish title (or just shorten what you have) and this would likely be a very good. But, as is...

Fair.

Shane Harkin (Level 3)

I'm a bit conflicted. On the one hand, nice title, and I guess it's about a woman finding the diamond in the rough, feeling good about the change in appearance the disease has brought on her, choosing to remain optimistic, and that's fine. On the other hand, I tend to feel like "cancer" reveals are cheap and unfair. And I do find it hard to see someone's body deteriorating and being eaten away as something to be happy about, even if the main character feels that way. Or maybe I'm completely misinterpreting this. If it's acted and directed well, this could work. I think it all depends on the execution for the screen.

Sheila Curry (Level 2)

Great script.
I thought that the dialog for Liz was a bit much as I was reading, but as it turns out, it's perfect for her character. Julie is also well written; we learn much about her form her reactions.
I was able to see where this was going and it played out with ease and grace. Difficult subject matter and you handled it very well, as did Julie.
Absolutely love how you've brought the scene full circle. It mirrors the life/death cycle. Note: You have Julie stand and turn about 1/2 way down. It may have been helpful to note at the beginning that she is sitting. Also would have emphasized the start/end point of the circle.
Really liked the title, but didn't feel it matched the script.
The 'Peace Out' made me smile.
Thanks for the great read.

Tim Westland (Moderator)

The title is just plain awful!

The script itself is wonderful.

Not sure why you chose to end it with "PEACE OUT". Silly to do that.

Wes Worthing (Level 5)

Well, you win the award for best title. A clever awkward dark humorous piece of work.

William D. Prystauk (Level 5)

Some solid dialogue.

In the beginning, let us know that Julie is sitting down.

Otherwise, interesting approach though I think it ends too abruptly. You have some room, so we can see the look on Julie's face after she screws up. Play with this one more.

No need for "(Pronounced 'Diane')" because it destroys an otherwise great title.

Comments Made After the Contest