Comments Made During the Contest

Anita Lindawaty (Level 0)

I have no idea what the writer trying to tell the story about. Well, everybody know that Laura is a name of a girl. Setting story in dirty house with many children doing something in living room, a father & Laura talking in dirty kitchen. What's Laura asking to his father is something that really not make sense at all for a twenty years old girl!
Except Laura has down syndrom, this story will be fine for me.

The plot story flow too flat, nothing good at all until the end of story.

Ayal Pinkus (Level 5)

I didn't get this story. Is she an un-dead zombie who crawled from a grave to visit her father? And then she asks him "How long does it take a body to decompose"? And why would she do that, and why would dad be so uncaring under the circumstances? That is the closest I could get to understanding what was going on.

The pictures on the wall of Laura getting dirty as a child playing by climbing trees and such is exposition but you don't have much options when it comes to a one-pager.

I like how you contrast neatness of the suburb with the messiness of Laura. Messiness has entered this clean house of suburbia!

Bill Clar (Level 5)

Great opening. Very descriptive.

Use active tense. "A clock is ticking" can be written as "A clock ticks".

Use caution with long action paragraphs. Four lines as the maximum is a good rule of thumb. Fortunately, your action lines are an easy read so it's not much of a distraction.

I love your description of Laura when she enters the house. Some people may ding you for too much detail but I think it works.

I don't understand your ending. I was expecting Dad to follow up with something akin to "I've told you before, it takes three weeks." A punchline of sorts.

Still, your writing style flows. You have a good pace and vivid descriptions. Regardless of a proper ending it's a great read.

Bill Sarre (Level 4)

I read this twice but i am sorry i don't get it.

Writing wise it is a bit over written, paragraphs too heavy and dense, but it does flow.

If i had to guess, we know she is outward bound type character and her question is merely to make conversation to avoid the question of what the hell have you been doing. But alas its not clear.

all the best

Byron Matthews (Level 4)

So much potential, but I feel this one just comes up a bit short. Too long of a set-up especially for a one page script. Get to the meat as soon as possible. The paragraphs could be shortened. Shorten them and you'll have more space to tell your story. I like where it was going, but the scene ended before anything really happened.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

Try to use simple present tense. It reads better and also saves you space, e.g. Climbs rather than is climbing

This is kind of bizarre. While it's good to leave questions in your readers' minds, there is simply not enough information here.

Chris Setten (Level 4)

I wasn't very clear on this story: Dad has a vision of his dead daughter who is slowly decomposing? The story was well written I just had some trouble understanding the story line.

Christina Anderson (Level 4)

Hold-up. We're on the street, in the rain, seeing the whole line of houses-- the only light is from a downstairs window-- of which house? (and is all this necessary? why not the rain on this one home?)

Okay, so say that it's Laura in the photos; probably should be CAPS to draw attention to this prop/character (you still need a face for the photos).

Now that's a question!

GOOD. Too much focus on the background.

Daniel Ackerman (Level 3)

This seems like a good beginning to a story but is not, by itself, a complete story. It leaves me with more questions than answers. Why was Laura surprised to see her father? Why would she ask him about decomposition? Why isn't he surprised by the question? I think this could be very good if it were longer or if you found a way to tell more of the story in the one page.

David Birch (Level 5)

way too much exposition at the expense of the story...if you "slug" that you have a EXT. TIDY HOUSE, then don't waste the reader's time by detailing that the house is "tidy"...and -- especially -- don't do it with a 6 line paragraph...remember, you're giving the reader flashes, glimpses, a postcard, of the set pieces...not an HD view of everything in a room...story felt incomplete...next time focus on telling the story of LAURA and DAD and not the TIDY HOUSE...

David D. DeBord (Level 5)

I like the last line of dialog. It saved this script for me. I found all the buildup, in the action lines, to be quite dull. Way too much minute descriptions of the photographs and a lot of seemingly unneeded stuff being described. All done seemingly to fill the page to get to the action and twist at the end. Still, I like how it ended. Great line.

David M Troop (Level 4)

Kids say the darndest things.

This is another case of a fantastic first page rather than a one-page movie.
One-page movies give you a complete story. Your script compels me to turn the page - but, what's this? There is no other page.

Don't get me wrong, this is very good writing.
Your descriptions are very good. Vivid images that tell us everything we need to know and set the mood and tone beautifully.

There are some problems with formatting - mostly with tenses.
A clock is ticking. (A clock ticks.) is jumping, is climbing, is waving, etc.
CONTINUING should be CONTINUOUS

I would love to see this expanded to a 5 pager.

David Serra (Level 4)

Dark and emotional.

Although the big chunky paragraphs can be revised I liked the overall tone to this one.

Good.

Derek Anderson (Level 4)

Too much black on the page, those are LONG paragraphs. Trimming those down would be easy as most of the information is useless or repetitive. Tidy, neat, modest... ok ok we get it. Tidy also isn't necessary in the slugs because it's over-emphasized in the text.

On to the story... I think this could've been good, REAL good. There's mystery here... but there's TOO much mystery. It's too vague. I think you intended to leave the ending open up for interpretation but what you did was leave the entire ending open for the reader to make up whatever the hell they wanted. Either Laura just buried a body, or her Dad buried her and she escaped.

The thing is, you had several lines left to use and I wish you would've taken advantage of that and given us one more line of dialogue to steer us in the right direction. Or maybe an action block of her Dad doing something creepy that would reflect that he's capable of doing something crazy like killing his daughter.

SO much potential here... gets a Good for now.

Derek Collins (Level 4)

With all of the energy that you put into showing Laura as an active person through the photographs on the wall, I thought for sure that it was going to lead to Laura now being paralyzed or something like that. So I was pretty surprised by your ending. And I liked it, I would have liked to see something more out of dad at the very end, just a pinch more spice to season it up nice you know? but what that could be is something I would have to think about. The thing I really liked about it was how easy it was to visualize in my head while I was reading it. And while I usually don't care for the scripts that have a very little amount of dialog, in your case it works and it doesn't feel like anything is missing. Well done!

Elaine Clayton (Level 4)

The story was good, the build up of dramatic tension worked well and your 'parting shot' gave the story a unique twist. However, technically, looking at the format of the script there is room to improve. Your action lines are far too narrative and 'story-telling' instead of 'story-showing'.

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

What did you do, take a page out of a feature length screenplay? Tell an entire story in one page during our annual micro-short screenplay challenge. Not even close.

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

Try to write every sentence in an active voice. Example: A clock is ticking. Consider instead: A clock ticks. Whenever you find yourself writing a sentence with the word IS try to rewrite it in a more active voice.

Try to eliminate boring verbs that are not needed. Example: DAD (mid 50’s), sits at the kitchen table working. Consider instead: DAD (mid 50's) works at the kitchen table. (Sitting is implied.)

The story feels like a scene that is part of a larger story.

Fred Koszewnik (Level 5)

Yikes! What a clever set up with a wonderfully ambiguous ending and no possibility of resolving what may or may not have happened. Also, a very skillful use of visuals to set up the overactive, outdoorsy daughter's character. No room for improvement. Continued good success.

Gary Rademan (Level 5)

Hard to buy into. The low key delivery of the question and the non-reaction of Dad was visual but off key. Maybe if she was in high school, it would help. Do they have a secret?

GOOD

Greg Tonnon (Level 5)

Title - the title tells us nothing going in to the story.
Craft - your craft is very good.
Dialogue - there is too little dialogue to comment on.
Action lines - your action lines are exceptional!
Story - The story is okay but seems like it would be better as an opening to a longer script.

Heidtmann Oppong (Level 4)

Love the clarity of the choice of words in your script. Reading, i felt like a was watching a real movie.
Nonetheless, didn't get the sense of your story and how it suits the Contest Name.

Jaclyn Boser (Level 3)

Poor Dad. No one wants to learn that their star child has most likely become a murderer. Seems as though Laura's taken a turn for the worst. i like that the pictures in the living room paint an image of the girl growing up. i think it wouldh ave been stronger if maybe there were diplomas as well, but it's looking as though she may not have earned any. In any case, most parents are disappointed by there children at one point or another and it looks as though Laura's dad may have just gotten the surprise of his life! Good job, though. Just wish I knew why she ended up killing someone!

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

You used "tidy house" in the same sentence. You shouldn't do that.

"same time" - Continuous.

I'm sure you've gotten an ear full about what's wrong with this script by now so I'll be brief.

You spent too much time setting up the scene.

I can rewrite what you have in just a few sentences.

INT. SUBURBAN NEIGHBORHOOD - NIGHT

Rain pours down. Lighting tears through the sky. A faint light in one of the home's window glows in the murky night.

INT. LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

Family photos of a young girl's first birthday, all the way up to graduating high school, hang up on the wall.

INT. KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS

Rain patters on a back door. JAMES (give him a name), 50s, (I actually have no idea what the father was doing, but he should be doing something relevant to the story)

The door opens. LAURA, 20s, the girl from the photos, sneaks in. She's soaked with mud caked all over her body.

Laura stumbles back at the sight of her father.

(and then you add in dialogue.)

The rest of your descriptions felt too wordy. You didn't need 75% of them.

What was the dad doing? He actually could be scrap booking or something with his daughter's pictures, so you no longer need a scene of the living room and you could show an instant love and connection between the father and daughter.

Jeff Ferry (Level 4)

It was well written and had no spelling errors. However, I must admit I was lost for the entire second half of the story. I originally thought the girl was a figment of his imagination, then I thought she had risen from the grave, and finally I thought she had killed somebody. I don't know if it was just me or if the story was genuinely difficult to understand.

Jordan Littleton (Level 4)

Title: 3
Story: 4
Originality: 7
Action: 2
Dialogue: 5
Readability: 3

Passive verbiage took me out of the story. Confusing and just awkwardly written.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

I think this could be taken in so many different ways:
Laura murdered her sister
Laura is trying to revive her sister
Laura and her Dad are zombies? --I'm not joking, this is the first thought that came to my mind, but it can't be it.
I wish I understood it better.

Kirk White (Level 5)

solid opening but I'm not sure where this one is supposed to go. it feels like it's intended to be something with a punchline/pull the rug out feel but it's not exactly clear enough at the end to be jarring...it's just confusing. I think you could probably either expand this or streamline your action lines in order to get more information in. As it reads now, I'm left with more questions than intrique.

giving a fair

Kisha King (Level 4)

I like the mystery you're trying to create but it just seems so random and intentional. I think the first five paragraphs you could of did without. I know it only one page but I think there is a better beginning for this story that can create some excitement that could lead us to the end.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Intriguing premise. Obviously supposed to suggest that Laura has either stumbled upon a body or buried one. hmmm
Might be a bit too much description of the tidy house, the lighting, and the neat piles of paper. The objects aren't explained nor do they seem to factor into the story beyond their mention.
Perhaps if the purpose is to allow a reader and audience to draw their own conclusions, maybe Laura should be introduced a few paragraphs earlier. The description of her actions and her drenched and muddy appearance do cast some doubts as to what she's been doing.
May add even more drama to end the story on the question, "How long does it take a body to decompose?"

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

The title is okay, but not very interesting or descriptive.

Your writing is on the wordy side.

You don't need perfect sentences in a script. You could cut down on the descriptives, too. They're well-written, but they're much more than you need.

Keep action segments limited to 4 lines max. White space on the page is inviting to the reader.

The formatting is okay. Selling and punctuation are good.

The story - I love it! Wow!

Very good work.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

This is an interesting idea. I liked how you spelt out very little about what happened or even the father's reaction, leaving that up for audience/director interpretation.

"chooses her words carefully"
Maybe this should come before her next line of dialogue, because how carefully does she have to choose the term "Dad"?

Very good.

Masoud Soheili (Level 4)

Again, maybe I am slow, but I read it like many times
cause I didn't get the story..
but I like the way you describe it
well written though..
Title is good although too simple

Matthew Fettig (Level 5)

The title is too bland for this effort.

I'm not really sure where to start here. First of all, I don't get a full story from this. I think you hoped to get around that by introducing Laura through a series of photographs, but that doesn't work. What you really have is, maybe, a great opening scene. But you have some craft issues to work on. Keep verbs in the present tense mostly - a clock ticks; a girl jumps; the water drips; etc.. Also, don't go over 4 lines in your action sequences, although you probably overdid that to fit this into one page. More precise writing will help with that.

If we're to assume this adventursome little girl has become a murderer, you've given us an interesting character. I'm not sure what to make of the father though. He seems overly organized to the point of being anal maybe? But why? My thought was that he must have trained Laura to kill if she would ask her decomposition question so easily. And if that is the case, why did she react in such a frightened manner when she saw her father? Those two actions just don't fit well for me.

My guess is you have a bigger story here and you pulled one part to fit it into this contest.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

This is more like the opening to something - it ends with a cliffhanger - whose body? What happened? What did she do? How will dad answer? Will he protect her or turn her in? - rather than giving us a satisfying ending.

Lot's of description on the house and living room, we know the type of family from the 'tidy' choice of words, all those photos are unnecessary too, they don't really tell us much about Laura, they're just snapshots from a regular child's life - it doesn't really seem to fit that the fact she's adventurous and a tomboy will mean she ends up killing someone. All of this dense description could be trimmed to make room for a tighter ending.

Good writing though.

Olga Tremaine (Level 4)

This was a good suspense story until she asked a question. You spend so much time on describing photographs and rain/drenching clothes but then really just chop off the story. So many questions. Whom did she kill? Why is she asking her Dad about this, isn't he going to call the police now? Are they together in this? Or maybe that was her pet that she buried in the backyard? What's going on?

I was disappointed with the ending, a good start went downhill. Hopefully you'll rewrite it.

Paul W. Franklin (Level 2)

I had to read this twice.... and am afraid to say I still didn't get it. You nicely show that the girl is a bit of a tomboy, but after that i'm not sure what you're trying to say.
Also, from a technical point of view, i think you should try to get rid of the word 'is'. Ticks, jumps, waves etc work much better (and take less space).

Pete Barry (Level 5)

This one's all mood, a really dark joke with a really solid punch at the end. Much of the build is visual, and all that needs to be said gets said.

I'll admit, while the punch is good, it's hard to imagine Laura starting in with that question. It says everything, but it's all joke and no reality: why would she tell Dad anything?

It's also a very tightly compressed set of description blocks. I think that's because you're trying to stay within the confines of the competition (although I feel you have some extra space at the end). The word "tidy" shows up three times in the first quarter-page. It's slightly off its rhythm, and it muddles an otherwise excellently visual piece.

I'm not sure how to fix the problems. In the end, though, a very nice job.

Reginald Beltran (Level 4)

A minor thing but lots of passive sentences that can easily be modified to have more active verbs. For example:

"In one, a dark haired three year old girl is jumping from a diving board" can be changed to "In one, a dark haired three year old girl jumps from a diving board".

Maybe, I missed something, but I didn't get a story out of this. It felt like an opening teaser for something more.

Reginald McGhee (Level 0)

Huh? I don’t get the ending at all. The beginning and middle feels like a complete story. Laura in the rain comes in and asks Dad about body decomposition. Are the Dad and Laura another type of creature besides human? I got confused when the clock ticks. Is she dying of pneumonia from the rain? I think you could set the story up or foreshadow it a little bit more to make this clear.

The pacing is tight. You told us the entire story through visuals without relying on dialogue. I just think that the description about what the house looks like is too much. You could remove some of them and add more clarity about the decomposing question Laura asks.

The dialogue is crafted well. The subtext is there. But the subtext at the end of the script kind of confused me. Why did she ask that question?

The characters are developed. But I don’t know what her motivation to walk outside in the rain is. Was she looking for something?

Overall, this may need to be clarified just a little bit in order for it to be understood.

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

Not sure about this one. Parts were over-written and that's a shame because the story could use some fleshing out. If it's Laura's story, why not have more from her perspective. A lot of the description wasn't needed in order to formulate a picture of what we see - what's not clear is why we see it. This didn't tell a whole story but hinted at a good one. Show less, especially in a one-page contest - give the reader the credit to get a picture with minimal instruction and fill the page with what we need to know.

Rik Battaglia (Level 3)

Vague on why and who is taking a dirt nap, but I do think it's good. The tone was great.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

I'm not sure if I missed something. Here's what I struggled with, you have a tidy house on a tidy street with an apparently tidy father in it. Laura comes home with mud all over her, and she asks how long it takes a body to decompose.
Dad doesn't answer and I was left wondering what just happened.

maybe there's a deeper meaning that I'm missing, some clue that I didn't 'see'.

As it is, I am left scratching my head, a little bit.

I'm interested to see what others comments will be.

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

This is not really a one-page story. It's the beginning of something longer. We really don't have much of an idea what's going on here, except we get an inkling that Laura has done something bad, possibly m-u-r-d-e-r.

In a lot of short scripts, the writer hides things from us leading up to a dramatic reveal or a shocking twist or a funny, unexpected punchline. Or whatever. You've hidden too much. We don't really know anything about Laura, and we don't really have any idea what she might be up to. All we know is that she's wet and muddy and asking about decomposing bodies, so she's probably up to something.

And you haven't written this sparingly, as a one-pager ought to be written. For example, your first three blocks of narrative. They're well written, but they're completely superfluous to your story. This is about Laura and the wicked (we think) deed she's done. We really don't need to know about the tidy neighborhood with one light in the window, or the ticking clock, or the pictures in the living room, or the way Dad arranges his papers in neat piles. Good stuff, maybe, in a longer story, but this is one page. Skip this descriptive stuff. Give us more story.

There are other pitfalls with overwriting, too. For example, you write, "Laura stands motionless, steadying herself, and chooses her words carefully." Then she says, "Dad?" C'mon, she chose her words carefully, and that's what she came up with? "Dad?" Kinda silly.

Anyway, you've created sort of a grim, eerie story environment, for a story which (I'm guessing) is supposed to be grim and eerie. But I think you need to trim the writing down quite a bit, and give us more story and less description.

My score: Good.

Shane Harkin (Level 3)

You certainly know how to establish an atmosphere, and I'm a sucker for a well-established atmosphere and mood. The first half of the script is vivid, well written and very easy to visualize. I was hooked, and intrigued as to where it would take me.

I find it a difficult script to rate though as a whole. The punchline certainly works, and the vivid imagery and mood is consistent with the first half of the script, but it feels like a great set-up for something more, rather than a self-contained piece.

Having said that, the fact that I was so hooked so soon and that my disappointed stemmed mostly from the fact that there wasn't more to read, is certainly promising. The more I think about it, the better it works. I think it functions fairly well as a perverse cautionary tale, of parenthood, of growing up too fast, of suburban disquiet. I think that's definitely a good way to interpret it.

Mostly though it's a gripping set-up for what could be a really gripping story. I would love to see that story come to fruition. A micro-short screenplay is just not the ideal medium for such promising material.

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

Too much description of the house, the photos and little details that really didn't matter. Not enough time with the characters to care about them. Yawn. Read more like the opening scene rather than a full script.

Tim Westland (Moderator)

Hmmm... the writing here is very visual and enjoyable to read.

However, like so many other shorts... the ending didn't make ANY sense to me. You spend all that time describing the house, the rooms, the pictures... but then Laura comes in and asks Dad how long it takes for a body to decompose?

Hunh?

Why spend all that time on the setup? You could have cut it by 50% at least and saved more room for the story so it would make more sense.

In the end... the ending (or lack thereof) knocked this down from Very Good to Good.

William D. Prystauk (Level 5)

Huh? Sorry, but this doesn't add up. Laura committed a murder? There was no setup for this at all and was very jarring. In a rewrite, you could easily expand the story to better establish what happens.

Furthermore, the audience could never see that Laura "chooses her words carefully". That would definitely work in a short story or novel, but not a screenplay.

Comments Made After the Contest

Margaret Ricke (Level 5) ~ 8/1/2012 3:32 AM

I loved this. Work it into a feature. Please!