Comments Made During the Contest

Anita Lindawaty (Level 0)

After i have been reading five story today, this story i like most: a touchy story.
It's common and simple idea in this story, but the writer succeed make it as very nice story telling.

I found two flashback scene, it's make Cole character become concrete.
Nothing special with pitcher doing in baseball, even if the pitcher succeed hit nice ball.
But the writer make it become special and touchy with two flashback scene.
So, In My Humble Opinion, the strength of the story is flashback.

The plot story flow freely, from today-flashback-flashback-today with smooth movement.
It's very nice story. Really.

Ayal Pinkus (Level 5)

From the start it isn't a sport I'm familiar with so Wrigley field, batter's box didn't tell me anything until I read PITCHER and I figured it was some type of Anglo team sport.

Ah. Baseball.

It is a sweet little tale of a man who feels his father is looking down to him from the heavens above, proud of his son's achievements.

Love how you did it all visually.

I'm voting EXCELLENT.

Bill Clar (Level 5)

The Father's tips should probably be a montage of dialogue.

Half of your script is flashback. For a one page script, I feel it's easier to read the story in linear order.

Good action sequences at Wrigley field. Very detailed.

Bill Sarre (Level 4)

Yeah, nice tale.

Lucky your slugs weren't double spaced as this would have gone over a page, but that doesn't bother me.

Not much to add. Perhaps we could see the young cole lift the elbow and see the same in the older cole - the parallel connection that links the young/old and father.

I suppose the question that remains is what is the payoff/twist. Maybe its not needed, all we need to see is that the father had a positive effect, but in that regard maybe it needs a hurdle beyond hitting the ball. Possible the boy is given something of the fathers that he takes with him.

all the best

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

It's a bit silly playing with the title page. I'm sure you meant it as a joke but it starts your reader off being distracted.

parents screaming (needs no apostrophe)

It was a nice story, well-written and would make a good film.

Chris Setten (Level 4)

I guess this is an existential story about inevitability and fate. I guess it would make a good short in the hands of the right director. The writing is solid, the story is good.

Christina Anderson (Level 4)

Whoa. My dad's ghost popped out from behind the pitcher, I'd have missed the pitch! (maybe he should be somewhere a little less distracting)

It's so sweet, I feel sticky. Ya know, it's kinda so what-- big league guy does well thinks of his dad. It would have been real funny if his dad startled him and made him miss.

GOOD. It's a really nice moment, but a common one.

Daniel Ackerman (Level 3)

This was a nice story reminescent of Field of Dreams. I was confused by the use of 12 years earlier three times. I thought it meant an additional twelve years each time. Just a question, why is father capitalized sometimes and not others?

David Birch (Level 5)

nice baseball imagery...not sure about "strides backwards"...usually batters take a small step forwards when hitting the pitched ball...anyway, everything else was done really well...should get high marks all around...

David D. DeBord (Level 5)

This had a lot of potential. A basic baseball story but with some depth because of the old father-son action. I thought some of the action lines were not as clear as they should be, Little things seemed off. Did Father say the “tips” or are they actions for the actor to do? Where did the ribbon come from? Other little issues. And, I think the action could end with what I thought was an effective word – CRACK. I thought the story was over and I was satisfied. Almost don’t need the rest of it.

David M Troop (Level 4)

This is an excellent example of a COMPLETE one-page script.

Your use of flashbacks and present day blocks of action to tell the story instead of dialogue was outstanding.

Very emotional.

The only flaw I saw was you mentioned there were thousands of fans in Wrigley Field.
Thousands? At a Cubs game? :)

One of the best I read this month. Loved it.

David Serra (Level 4)

Good story in the script.

Although I would've liked it if there was an unexpected twist at the end.

Overall, VG

Derek Anderson (Level 4)

"Eyes transfixed on the PITCHER about sixty feet away." -- unnecessary line. Cutting it would make it leaner.

I like the story, although I think it was a little TOO melodramatic. His dad appearing behind the pitcher was kinda creepy, almost comedic. Reminded me of a Field of Dreams spoof. I was waiting for his dad's ghost to put two fingers behind the pitchers head, giving him rabbit ears.

I really got lost in the slugs. I couldn't follow the timeline AT ALL. We start in present day with a pitcher winding up. Then we jump back 12 years to cliche father/son playing catch. THEN your slug says 12 years earlier which would put Cole as a fetus, yet the scene is of Cole stepping into the batter's box, but we don't know his age. You need to say teenage Cole or something. THEN the next slug says 12 years earlier again which just doesn't make any sense.

Work on those slugs and timeline. It's a Good from me.

Good luck to you!

Derek Collins (Level 4)

I am almost positive that your continued use of (12 years earlier) winds up making Cole negative twelve years old at his fathers funeral. I get what you intended but in order to do that I had to take myself out of the story for a couple seconds and once I did that, you lost me. It would have been ten times smoother if you had assigned a year or even used start and end flashback. The way you sneak a little dialog into the scene headings is one way to save space, but I don't think it is the most honest way. Overall I think its a good concept, but it would probably have been better suited for a 5 pager. Condensing all of those scene headings and having the lack of dialog it does makes it read more like a short story than a script, a good short story but a short story none the less.

Elaine Clayton (Level 4)

A nice story with a bitter-sweetness. The structure could perhaps be played around with to create a little more dramatic tension.
Perhaps you could have the father seen at the game when Cole is 24 and retrospectively reveal the funeral parlour scene??
Scenes 2 and 3 are not both necessary, as the reader has got the point: The father is supportive of his sons sporting ability, so one of the scenes could be cut.
The action lines were good and the use of flashback scenes supported your narrative and spun a good tale without dialogue.

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

The shortcut of putting dialogue in the action is new to me. Is it supposed to be said? The tips that the boy is getting?

This is pretty close to being a complete stand alone story, good job. I just feel that a deeper theme is missing. The father son bond may be enough, but there was never any obstacle, perhaps it was a play off game. A little generic feel to the whole thing possibly.

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

Sweet story. Here are a few comments...

"After each throw, his Father..." Father should not be capitalized. If the character is calling his father "Father" then it is capitalized because it is taking the place of a name.

"Cole, 12": Since COLE, 12 will take a different actor that COLE 24, COLE 12 should be capitalized.

Felipe D. Machado (Level 4)

I didn't really get the time shifts. How old is he at the end. You said 12 years earlier whether time went backward or forward, so I had no idea where we ended up.

I get the general idea of the story. I don't think it's very original, but I see where you were going. The time jumps just seemed inconsistent. Maybe you can clear that up in the rewrite. Good luck!

Fred Koszewnik (Level 5)

A moving story that any baseball fan and father is sure to delight in. One small point that confused me. At the end, the father "looks down". From the stands? From the clouds above? Otherwise well done. Continued good success.

Gary Rademan (Level 5)

A decent topic for a one pager.

GOOD!

From the "every word counts" perspective:
-- The scene headings add up to 36 years years earlier.
-- Transfixed works better as fixed
-- The distance to the mound doesn't appear needed.
-- The advice from Cole's father were hard to visualize -- more like dialogue.
-- One exclamation mark per occurrence.
-- Title page was a distraction.

Greg Tonnon (Level 5)

Title - the title is a good choice for this story.
Craft - your craft is good, but fade out should have a period after it.
Dialogue - there in no dialogue to comment on.
Action lines - your action lines are clear and concise.
Story - I like the story but was confused by the timeframe of the flashbacks. If the second flashback is twelve years earlier than the first one, then cole is a baby.

Heidtmann Oppong (Level 4)

Good effort, love your style and choice of words. Umm, was the blue baseball ribbon Cole gave his dad supposed to mean something? Well, I didn't get the whole idea of the story relative to the Contest Name.
To me, it's just any ordinary script that tells a story about young man Cole, who was trained as a Baseball player since childhood by his enthusiastic dad. Who finally gets a morale from his dad's phantom only to win a major baseball tournament at the end. That's that. What is less here???that turns out More??? Didn't show it. Maybe if you did, then it wasn't clear enough to show by itself.
------oh no! Read it again. Think i see your point now. Dead father (painful loss, seems "Less") turns out to be the reason for his success in that major competition ("more")
Okay, i get it now. Congrats!

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

I get it, but there was no conflict. Just a touching scene. I think the script would have been more powerful if Cole had a play in his father's death. I get that his dad never got to see him play in the pros, but why does it matter to us, as the audience?

Maybe there needs to be a better reason why his father never saw him play, other than the fact that he taught him.

Jeff Ferry (Level 4)

Good formatting and no spelling errors that I saw. I loved the story and it conveyed a lot of emotion over a short period of time. It's a well worn trope, but it's well worn for a reason, it works. My only nit pick is that his father is teaching him to pitch and we see him batting in the present. I think it would have worked better if his dad was teaching him to spot a curve by seeing the stitching. Just my thoughts. Loved it.

Jordan Littleton (Level 4)

Title: 4
Story: 4
Originality: 2
Action: 4
Dialogue: 2
Readability: 5

There was nothing new here. The story didn't read smoothly at all. It was too staccato and having dialogue in the action lines doesn't work for me.

At the end you say Cole's father is looking down smiling. Why is he standing behind the pitcher looking down and smiling?

Kelley Allen (Level 3)

Initial Gut Reaction: Touching and poignant story about a father and son.

Story: Good story arc.

Formatting: Very good. The second "12 Years Earlier" was a little confusing at first since initially I wasn't sure if you meant it was 24 years before the first scene! As I read on, only then did I realize.

Characters: Very good.

Rating: Very good.

Good luck and keep writing!

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

It's a nice idea. A bit melodramatic for me though.
It's clearly written but a bit much for a one-pager.

I think I saw one just like yours in the pile. The idea is the same and it gave me the same feel.

Kirk White (Level 5)

a lovely script. quite touching and could easily be live action or animated. giving a very good.

Kisha King (Level 4)

This is a sad story but a good story. The story reads really good. The only problem I see in this story is that there is no original part in this story in order to make it your story. There is no twist and turns nothing to spike my interest in the story.

The story is good but I think it needs a little spice to make it stand out.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Sentimental and visual. Particularly fond of dialogue-free stories. Has a tendency to force a reader and audience to pay extra attention.
Nice variety of potential shots in one page. There are crowds at Wrigley Field contrasted with screaming parents at Cole's local baseball field. Closeups of Cole taking a deep breath and holding back tears, Dad "smiling (and) encouraging" at Wrigley Field, the ball as it "rotates in slow motion."
Cole's "perfect swing" that sails out of the park is predictable, but it works and produces a happy ending.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

The title is good.

Spelling and punctuation are all good.

There is a formatting problem screaming at me, though. You do the "(twelve years earlier)" thing three times. That's thirty-six years and makes no sense at all. I understand that you mean it all to be the same twelve years after reading through to the end, but that isn't how it reads initially. I actually started wondering if this was originally written for the "scene in reverse" contest a few years ago.

Pay attention to how you write flashbacks. You might want to go with a "BEGIN SERIES OF FLASHBACKS" and "END SERIES FLASHBACKS" format. There are other ways of handling it, too. I'm thinking you'll get more suggestions from other readers.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

I like the inter-cutting.

Still, this ghost/guardian angel device is fairly common, even in sports films.

Good.

Masoud Soheili (Level 4)

Goooooddd story..well written into the script,
I am not a fan of baseball but this was good description,
I like the opening and closing
Good job for one page ..

Matthew Fettig (Level 5)

Unsure about the title yet.

The first sentence uses an improper verb tense. "...are screaming..." should be simply scream. It's hard when the first three words get you off on the wrong foot.

I like the concept of the story. I'm just not a fan of how you wrote it. Some of it, I'm guessing, was done to make the script fit the one page. So pay attention to your word choices to help you tighten up the script. FATHER could be DAD and right away the first sentence of your flashback saves a line (omit "still dressed"). Also, the way you wrote the flashbacks had me thinking initially that we went back 12 years, then went back 12 more years, etc... What might have worked better visually, though it probably wouldn't fit on one page, would be to have multiple flashbacks during the time the ball travels from the pitcher to Cole.

You don't have to tell us the baseball is white. How do we see Cole block out the crowd noise? Better to just give us the word SILENCE.

When you tell us the father gives tips and then you tell us what those tips are, that should be dialogue, otherwise, how would we know? If he's demonstrating the tip, tell us that. You could try something like "A toss from Cole. A tip from Dad. Cole fumbles a catch. Another tip. And on it goes".

Decent but hard to get too much emotional attachment between father and son in such a short space.

Michael Hughes (Level 4)

The Cover page was distracting with the extraneous information.
A nice story. I was initially confused by the second ( 12 years earlier ). My first thought was that it was an even earlier flashback. No fault of yours, I am not sure what the convention is for indicating a series of events all earlier than the first.
I think it would have been more effective to have had the flashbacks cover a longer stretch of Cole's young life. Maybe he is 5 years old learning to catch, 8 when his dad watches him in little league, 14 at the funeral. It would have given more of a sense that his Dad was always a big part of his life. Again, not sure how to convey this in the proper "script" format. Maybe "Flashback" Cole age 5 - etc. etc.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

Lovely, very nice indeed.

The ending was slightly marred by the choice of the word 'down' as in the Father looks - is he high up? that totally pulled me out of the final moment and I think you should use the words 'looks on as...' because I didn't get a sense that the father was floating in the sky, I felt that he appeared behind the pitcher at the same height as everyone else.

It is also a little bit of a cliched story, I knew exactly where it was going but it delivered well.

But tiny nit-picks, well done.

Olga Tremaine (Level 4)

When a title page looks like this I wonder if the writer opened it at all.
"After each throw, his Father gives Cole some tips. Keep your elbow up. Lead with your glove hand. Aim for the mitt." - you put dialog into the action line. If there are no words maybe say "His father corrects the position of his elbow, etc." If there is a dialog then you have to write it as a dialog.
This story is very touching, I like it. It's probably not a new concept, but it is done nicely. Good story.
VG from me taking in consideration the points above.

Pete Barry (Level 5)

This has a lot of heart, and I like that it's essentially a silent piece. Baseball really instills any story with heart. It's not exactly a deep story - father inspires son to greatness - but it's sweet and it flows.

There's a little housekeeping to do on this script - at least one typo ("parents") and the ending visual doesn't quite make sense - looking down from where? Heaven? The stands? Overall, however, it's easy to visualize and you tell the story well without any dialogue to help (or hinder) you.

Very nicely done.

Reginald Beltran (Level 4)

In general, I'm not a big fan of flashbacks, but in this case, the flashbacks tell a story of its own with an arc.

As a sports fan, I liked reading about this. Although the ending is predictable, it's still a nice short story.

Reginald McGhee (Level 0)

The flashback weren’t consistent with the story. The characters kept going back twelve years back which confused me. When we went twenty-four years back in the funeral scene, Cole wouldn’t be born. This might be a mistake in logic and the formatting error can be easily fixed. I’m not even sure who’s dead. I got confused at what the timeframe was in the Funeral Scene.

The story is about Cole who plays baseball while his father watches. I’m not sure what the theme or what message you’re trying to give us. Cole must have loved baseball whilst trying to remember the advice his father gives him. I think it’s a decent premise, but I’m not sure what message the story serves.

The action lines give me a picture about everything in the screenplay. I just wish that the action lines and the structure was more linear thought. It seems like the story jumps back and forward, which makes it hard for me to see the outcome of the story.

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

Sweet story. Nice visuals but it seemed kind of loose at the end for obvious space reasons. I liked the way you used flashback to establish the significance of the moment and the relationship between the Dad and his son. The story moved well but I wanted a little more of a threat that things wouldn't play out well. That the player would choke or swing and miss due to his reflections. I never felt a sense of conflict but I enjoyed the piece very much and it is timely with baseball in full swing.

Rik Battaglia (Level 3)

I felt this one. What a great story. All thumbs up! :-)

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

Good effort, you confused me a little, though. I wasn't sure how the father died. And of course there's a gaping hole in the 12 years from the time of his death to playing at Wrigley field, but in one page you did a good job telling a simple story of a father and son, and there's no time to flesh it out, with a one page limit, but it was touching.

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

"Cole blocks out the crowd noise," reminds me of Kevin Costner in "For Love of the Game." "Clear the mechanism."

This is a nice story, Cole has a Roy Hobbs moment with his late beloved father watching from baseball heaven. Nice. (I'm a sucker for baseball movies. "The Natural" is my all-time favorite movie.)

But there's some confusion in your writing. Specifically, in the timing of your non-linear sequences.

We start out in the present day with Cole at bat. Then we go to 12-year-old Cole and his dad playing catch. Then the next scene says 12 years earlier...but Cole would be 0. Since it says, "Parents screaming," I guess it's a little league game, so maybe the three scenes that say "12 years earlier" are all the same time frame.

Oh, okay, I get it now. But I think you only need to say 12 Years Earlier once, and leave us in that time frame, until you take us back to Wrigley Field in the present. I was confused by the three 12 Years Earlier statements. I thought it was progressive.

Anyway, good story. A very rewarding moment for Cole and for us, the readers. I enjoyed reading it very much.

My score: Very Good.

Shane Harkin (Level 3)

I like the use of slow motion as the ball is being thrown, the fact that this guy's relationship with his father and is encapsulated in this brief moment is beleivable and effective. Overall I wasn't crazy about the story itself but you executed it well enough that I was left impressed. Well done.

Sylvester StBrice (Level 2)

A story about an up an coming baseball batter is really good but the story could of followed really fluently like drinking water if you use Montage or Series of shots,along with the placing of flashbacks in the Secondary Scene heading.In conclusion,really good and creative of the writer to see were the baseball player got his motivation from.If it was just the baseball player hitting the ball, it would of been a little dull.

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

All the scene changes & cramming massive back story into one page left me a little cold, not a real strong sense of the characters enough to care. I thought it was cheating to squeeze chatter in when this should be dialog - "After each throw, his Father gives Cole some tips. Keep your elbow up. Lead with your glove hand. Aim for the mitt." but guess it wasn't enough to disqualify. The ending was too obvious.

Tim Westland (Moderator)

A nice story presented pretty well. Some really good descriptions.

One big flaw: (12 years earlier). I think you forgot to change this in your slug each time. By the end of the script, we're 36 years earlier than the opening. This was a fairy serious issue.

I think if you ended this with Dad in the stands instead of "watching from above", this would have had more impact.

Nice job.

William D. Prystauk (Level 5)

Though overly sentimental, it's still a decent tale (save the double usage of the father's ghost), but you may have tried to squeeze in too much for a one-pager. For instance, how do we know what the father is telling Cole? I'm not sure if you want that to be dialogue or not. And what baseball ribbon? That would be a great moment to show father and son enjoying the victory.

In a short script such as this, every word counts, so there's no need to tell us that it's a "white" baseball. Proofread aloud and edit.

Your story needs more room to breathe, so go beyond the one-page in the rewrite.

Comments Made After the Contest

KP Mackie (Level 5) ~ 8/1/2012 1:02 AM

A VG from me. Really enjoyed this story.

Byron Matthews (Level 4) ~ 8/1/2012 10:26 PM

Thank you very much for your comments and time, KP.