Comments Made During the Contest

Ayal Pinkus (Level 5)

Wow, that was a very cool story!

Adam reads a book out loud, discovers it is really happening, thinks he went bonkers and then the surprise twist; what he says really will start to happen, and he says all the people around him will die.

Great horror, suspense.

You can do this on a pretty tight budget I'd imagine.

I gave this one an excellent.

Bill Clar (Level 5)

If Adam is alone, why is he reading aloud?

"FIDDLES" should be "FIDDLE".

"CRIMINAL HOLDING A BLOODY KNIFE" Why is this capitalized? It's not a sound.

I like the setup for your ending but the earthquake doesn't fit. I suggest ending with Adam, in the yard, chanting "I'm losing my mind".

Bill Sarre (Level 4)

Nice idea.

To be honest I found the first paragraph a bit awkward, I think it could read better, but otherwise it was clear.

The way things were panning out seemed like a comedy, but whilst the end may have a dark comedy about it, it was more drama. I think comedy would have been better eg he reads the next page about the man gets a girl and smiles, or something sinister and tries to get away etc

If the end is to flow from the beginning I think the book has to be present, after all it was predicting the future, not him.

Not sure that Adam's Voice is correct - should be Adam (O.S)

However, with a few tweaks this could work out well.

Byron Matthews (Level 4)

Story kind of reminded me of that Will Ferrell movie, where he's the main protagonist in this writer's novel.

I really liked the dark humor or regular humor up until the final bit...felt a bit forced to be honest with you. The title of the book should be capitalized.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

he hears SOMEONE FIDDLE not FIDDLES

This is good but I felt there was too much story for a one-pager. I think you need to extend it to do it justice.

Chris Setten (Level 4)

Some of the writing may be difficult to film ("face of a thinker"). The story itself is very interesting although it is impeded somewhat by some of the grammatical gaffes.I also thought the ending could be improved because it's an extension of the premise rather than a break from the established pattern.

Christina Anderson (Level 4)

I don't know.... I lost interest right about the time the murderer starts fiddling with the locks, asking myself, how's this going to end?

CUT TO: Psychiatric Ward. Kudos. I didn't groan in disgust-- I was curious, it's been awhile since I've seen a good madder creating havoc, then there was an earthquake.

So, I didn't follow your logic. He's a Crazy on a bench; there wasn't anything about his thoughts/visions that give legitimacy to his 'your all going to die' rantings.

Oh yea, I almost forgot, What does the face of a thinker look like?

POOR. The beginning and the end aren't coherent. I don't even know what the plot was.

Daniel Ackerman (Level 3)

There is a lot here for a page. We have a murder mystery, a mental patient and a natural disater. This was good but I think that it is too much for a page. This would benefit from having more room to go into more explanaation and set up.

David Birch (Level 5)

Great writing!...just one thing kept it from getting a top grade..."SOMEONE FIDDLES"...that sentence reads awkwardly...he hears someone fiddling with...although i doubt he could see that...so i'd go with, He hears the DOORKNOB JIGGLE....anyway...great job...

David D. DeBord (Level 5)

A couple of grammar issues pull me from the story. And I personally do not care for the parentheticals beneath the character name. I simply do not think they are needed and are instead, distractions. Take them out and see if you really miss them. I like much of the story, however, and thought the strength of what I was reading might compensate for whatever minor flaws I perceived. I didn’t care, however, for the ending where Adam ends up in a psychiatric hospital. He could easily have looked out the window of his apartment and said the same thing without resorting to a clichéd location.

David M Troop (Level 4)

This is really not bad.

Adam has the power to bring novels to life. It's been done, but a good idea for a one-pager.
You change the rules midstream. Now anything Adam says becomes reality - not just because he reads it in a book.
I would have liked it if you stayed with the novel angle.
Instead of ending in a mental ward, you could have Adam return home from the bookstore (am I showing my age) with a new book. He unwraps it and reads "A Touch of Gray. Page one. Jessica enters the apartment and drops her coat to the floor."

But back to YOUR script.

The first block of description needs a little fixing.

ADAM, mid twenties, serious blue eyes, relaxes on the couch. He holds a book.

INSERT - BOOK JACKET
"The Menace of the Words" printed above a picture of female lips sewn shut.

The second block of description needs work.
Not sure if you can see a shadowy figure holding a flashlight in a dark room.

Adam hears the doorknob turn. The door squeaks as it opens. A flashlight beam cuts through the darkness. The light searches the room before it finds the empty couch.


Still not bad.

David Serra (Level 4)

Not so sure about the title but the story was interesting in a horrific sort of way.

A good read and great twist.

Derek Anderson (Level 4)

When Adam is reading, you should use this: "ADAM (V.O.)" and when Adam is speaking, you don't need "VOICE"

"He hears SOMEONE FIDDLES with the door knob of the apartment." -- omit He hears and don't capitalize someone fiddles. Work on tightening up a lot of your sentences like this.

This is actually a really good idea. Well done, but my main complaint is the title. It doesn't work for me. And it's kinda rude!

It's a Good from me.

Derek Collins (Level 4)

Wow, I liked reading this one because of how unique it was. Your scene headings were a bit awkward however, an extra proof read would have helped I think. The title of the book not being capitalized seems like a very insignificant detail, but I can't tell you how much it took me away from the script, you brought me back in but lost me again at "He hears SOMEONE FIDDLES", this should either be he hears someone fiddle, or someone fiddles. Again its a relatively minor detail but it really has an affect on my overall enjoyment of your work. I would like to see this cleaned up a bit and extended a few pages to really develop it farther, it would make a killer short!

Elaine Clayton (Level 4)

This needs more work. You have the ability to write and tell a story, but this was muddled. There are too many aspects to the script. What are you trying to create?
Is the story a horror? A psychological thriller? Or a parody of these?
The novel Adam is reading ends abruptly and makes the scene comical - the killer suddenly runs away!!?? Again, it adds a dimension that does not fit well with your script.
Is the character creating these events, or is he psychic?
Is Adam reading a magical/hexed book?
While the action lent towards horror it was unclear why the protagonist moves from his apartment to a psychiatric hospital yard. Did he really rush there and admit himself?
The structure and story were far too patchy and the final scene did nothing for your script.

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

Script format was fine but the plot was missing a bridge between the beginning and the end. In other words, how did we get from the living room to the hospital?

Another comment: "Huddled in his couch..." I think the reader means "huddled ON his couch..."

Felipe D. Machado (Level 4)

Not really sure what the "face of a thinker" really looks like as all sorts of people are "thinkers."

Not sure if you needed the parenthetical to indicate he was reading either. That can be implied in the action line.

Overall I think the was a good effort that could probably have used a few extra pages to be all it can be (of course I understand that would have disqualified you from this competition). I've seen the whole "book controls real life" scenario before so the way these stories have to shine is not in the premise, but in the plot.

I thought you had a funny transition to the mental hospital, but the earthquake didn't really seem like the best way to end it.

Fred Koszewnik (Level 5)

Clever screenplay that takes a bit of thinking for all the pieces to come together in a meaningful way. SHUT UP just about says it all. No room for improvement that I can see. Continued good success.

Gary Rademan (Level 5)

The story was offset by errors in format. For example, the first paragraph could be stronger. Why use a long run on sentence for your first sentence? Why use a pronoun (his) before the subject is introduced? Why have ADAM introduced at the end of the sentence? Is the eye color important? A face of a thinker would look like... a guy with his chin on a fist?

FAIR.

Greg Tonnon (Level 5)

Title - I don't think the title fits the story very well.
Craft - there are some craft issues. The title of the book should be all capitals. And "He hears SOMEONE FIDDLES" doesn't sound right. Also "he reads" should probably be (V.O.).
Dialogue - the dialogue is fine.
Action lines - your action lines are good.
Story - I liked this a lot until the earthquake. I liked his battle for sanity but the earthquake just comes from left field.

Heidtmann Oppong (Level 4)

Poor Adam but hey you did frightened me as well. Love every of your story. Raised suspense at every line. That's what keeps a movie lover glued to their seats.

Congrats!

Jaclyn Boser (Level 3)

I'm a bit confused about whether Adam is in the psychiatric ward thinking he's reading and imagines the whole thing or if he ends up there after it really happens, or doesn't happen but he thinks it does. I like the concept, it's somewhat realistic, but might make more sense if there was more room and time for story development so that the audience understands the context in which things are happening. I'm guessing he's a paranoid schizophrenic, but again don't know if he's diagnosed before or because of the book/murderer incident. In any case, I feel for Adam. Goodness knows I've regretted reading a scary story alone late at night!

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

Clever.

But I didn't get a story out of this. How is he going to get out of this? Would have liked a beacon of light. You established the joke. You used it to his disadvantage, and then ended it. Would have liked to see him use it at an advantage that made us, the audience, smile. Would have shown another layer of your cleverness.

Jeff Ferry (Level 4)

This was very close to a very good. I really liked the story and though it was very original. I was well on my way to a great score when the ending happened. It was definitely a record scratch moment for me. I would remove it or change it, but wait and see what the consensus says.

Jordan Littleton (Level 4)

Title: 4
Story: 4
Originality: 6
Action: 6
Dialogue: 6
Readability: 6

This had so much potential but it just never materialized. It's somewhat like the movie, Sphere, but in a more simplistic way.

Kelley Allen (Level 3)

Initial Gut Reaction: Interesting story about a guy who has mind over matter.

Story: I like the premise a lot.

Formatting: Needs a lot of work. Unfortunately, it distracts greatly from the heart of your very cool story. The first paragraph is awkwardly written. Missing a lot of punctuation such as periods and ellipses.

Dialogue: OK.

Good luck and keep writing!

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

I really enjoyed it. I think it's funny and light and funny...
And I really feel for Adam, I can relate. Maybe we all can.
Maybe you wrote it because you relate. Really bad.
This is really good. My Excellent.

Kirk White (Level 5)

I had to keep coming back to this for a while. It's well written--crafted, but it just feels...and I don't really know how to articulate this...it feels like it's missing something and I think that something is either context or an arc. in the end, this feels to me like a sketch and not a story: a "here's a little something interesting" and not a fleshed out "guy is missing something, guy goes on adventure, guy learns something and is saved/damned" journey. it just feels like an incredible situation with no resolution.

I don't know...I honestly don't know so I'm going to split the difference and give you a good.

Kisha King (Level 4)

I really like this story. I like how crazy Adam can say something, then it happens. I think the only problem I have is with the character ADAM'S VOICE that should be ADAM (V.O.) for voice over. I question why do you have him in a Psychiatric Hospital. I think the story is better without him being labled crazy, maybe he's beginning to go crazy.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Terrific description reveals some gripping action. Adams's introduction with, "a face of a thinker," is intriguing.
Not entirely certain whether it's Adam's imagination that has put him in the apartment on that couch. If he's in a psychiatric hospital, wonder if he'd be given a scary novel to read. Also don't understand why the story ends with an earthquake.
The title is catchy and, more importantly, it's memorable. "Shut up" seems to infer that Adam may be hearing voices. (Got a mental picture of this poor guy, both hands clasped over his ears, screaming.) In his case, though, the voice he hears may be his own. Interesting...

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

I really like the title.

You huddle "on" a couch, not "in" it.

It's "the" face of a thinker, not "a" face...

And it's "sewn," not "sewed."

Drop the "S" on "FIDDLES." You could probably drop the "s" in "thoughts" at the bottom of the page, too.

Cut back on the ALL CAPS. They carry more weight when they're used sparingly.

It's hard to say what a catatonic person has going on in their mind, but this doesn't seem to fit. Maybe he's a screenwriter, though, and he thinks his writing comes true... Hence the title? If that's what you're going for, amp it up a bit. Add to the story.

This has a lot of potential and I hope you do more with it.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

This started out as an interesting idea, but got weird at the end. There are existing stories like this ("Inkheart", for example), but I really like the idea of exploring the darker side of a person with the power to bring fictional characters to life. Still, it's a massive jump from that idea to the ending, a jump you can't really avoid in one page.

Good.

Masoud Soheili (Level 4)

The dialogue and the title is good. It is not easy to describe "psychiatric" things in only one page script..but good job anyway. I am ready to read your long script about this story ..

Matthew Fettig (Level 5)

Interesting title.

The concept here is interesting also. I think you need to focus more on the craft however. Write only what we see on the screen.

You have some grammar and punctuation issues sprinkled throughout. If you want to express that we hear a noise, you might try something like "The front door CREAKS open." Others in this group don't even like the SOUND capitalized, but at least that's a common way of writing it. Don't tell us that Adam hears something...we can't see that. You can write that he snaps his head toward the CREAK of the front door. That way, you're telling us what we see and hear.

So overall a decent concept, but your writing needs some work.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

I really like this - it's a highly original idea and I love the last line.

It's pretty creepy too.

My only quibbled would be that he accepts the lights going out too readily and just happens to have a candle handy - this just didn't ring true - I think if you used a word such as 'engrossed' to describe how into the novel he is it might be more believable that he would be that interested in continuing to read rather than figuring out why the lights had gone.

Very unique, well done.

Olga Tremaine (Level 4)

I like the concept, the story is very funny. The pace is fine. Poor guy ended up n the hospital. I wonder where and how did he get this magic power?

Pete Barry (Level 5)

This took me a solid minute to really get it, and I'm going to argue that you should change the ending, or take it in another direction. I wasn't impressed to start, as I didn't like the reading aloud, the missing capitals in both titles, and the generally hokey nature of the beginning. It got a lot better when I realized the gimmick. That was laugh-out-loud funny.

It went off the rails in the psych ward. Looking back, I realized that Adam had done it by saying "I'm losing my mind". But in the moment, it seems like a typical, hackneyed explanation for why everything was happening - "it was all a dream". If the delusional protagonist weren't such an old chestnut, maybe it wouldn't have thrown me.

But there's so many ways this can go that can much much funnier. Why should he worry about this? Why not try "and seventeen naked chorus girls danced through his living room"? Or "and he suddenly won the Mega Millions"? He could be very pleased with his new found power. And you could even stick with the Twilight Zone ending, while he smiles - "This is crazy! Wait! I mean-" and he's in an institution. That transition might help make it clearer.

Anyway, it's a great idea that just needs a bit of thought and cleanup.

R. L. Robinson (Level 3)

I like the idea. His ability to speak what is to come is unique. I was pleasantly surprised to see that you did not make Adam some well dressed man, using his ability to manipulate women, jobs, etc. Happy endings are a dime a dozen. Good Work.

Reginald Beltran (Level 4)

It's an interesting concept. Maybe he was just crazy, but the way the story works he actually did have powers. If that were true, I would think Adam would have used his powers for other things.

i.e. Once upon a time, there was a man named Adam who found a billion dollars of cash and then suddenly -- Miranda Kerr knocked on his door asking to make sweet, hot --

Ahem, anyway... I think it's still a decent story. Good formatting. Good effort.

Reginald McGhee (Level 0)

The story of a man who can make things happen in his novel. The idea is clever, but I’m not sure if this have enough conflict. I think that this story is preview to a larger piece. In fact, I would suggest that you turn this into a feature length screenplay, since the idea looks like a high concept. I’m not saying that the idea cannot fit in a one-page script though. I like the misdirection where he went to the hospital. I was expecting him to get checked out to see if he’s hallucinated.

I’m not sure if the characters are likable because he wants everyone to shut up by writing an Earthquake in his story. His motivation to get everyone to be quiet is undefined.

I think the last line of dialogue was forced. I think “Die fuckers! Die!” or something like that would match the dialogue and the situation. And it would read more natural if he said something like that. All the other dialogue read smoothly.

The action lines and sentence structure are economic. There’s nothing wrong with the pacing. It’s lean and clean.

Rich Keel (Level 4)

Not bad. I like the idea of the writer talking makes the things happen but I have seen that before in other movies. Still an idea I like to see none-the-less. Would like to see a longer version to obviosuly go from his bedroom to the physch ward where he kills everyone. You would think his mouth would be taped shut or he would never talk again knowing what damage he could do...but instead he kills everyone with an earthwuake. Kind of a jerk...right :)

Good luck to you this month.

Richard Martz (Level 3)

I cannot make a connection between the Title and the story; change the Title? Wow, this micro short has my head spinning -- what's going on here? ADAM we see near end is actually a pych hospital inpatient. Perhaps that is why the ending "EARTHQUAKE" comes out of nowhere. ADAM, the night before, is reading a horror novel, and experiences part it himself, i.e. placing himself as a character within the novel -- escaping a murderer. The next day ADAM simply goes off on something entirely unrelated (the earthquake).

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

Curious title. The piece didn't work for me in a one-page format since it didn't allow time to establish a beginning, middle and end. The premise of speaking aloud what actually happens is a clever trick but it didn't work for this particular challenge. For presentation, learn that when a character speaks but is not seen, there should be a (O.S.) after his name (off-screen), that's different from (V.O.) for voice-over where he's not really present in the scene at all. Good luck.

Rik Battaglia (Level 3)

Oh ya, fantastic!! Tragic and hardcore. Adam is gonzo!! Great story.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

This is my first script to review this month. I thought this was good. You added a little at the end which helped the story finish up on a good note.

With the right actor, this could be fun and funny. Good work.

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

This is a pretty good "Twilight Zone-ish" kind of vignette. But (to me) there seems to be something missing in the transition between scenes. One thing that seems missing is some kind of time frame reference. Are we supposed to think Adam has been in the psychiatric hospital the whole time? Or are we supposed to think he's there because of his "encounter" with the knife-wielding criminal? It makes a big difference.

And if it's the latter that's true, we need even more reinforcement in there, because we can't really tell if (1) everything Adam says comes true, or (2) he's reading some kind of magical book where everyone who reads it experiences it. Another example one way or the other would be helpful.

But it's a fun story, and it would make a good one-minute Twilight Zone episode. I enjoyed reading it.

My score: Good.

Shane Harkin (Level 3)

It didn't end up where I thought it would, so definite kudos for unpredictability. But I feel like you have a well-developed, fleshed out supernatural idea, with a proper sense of suspense and horror and mythology, and you've tried to cram this story onto a single page and it definitely suffers. Try to narrow your focus a little bit.

Tim Westland (Moderator)

This reminds me of the Will Ferrell movie where his life is being narrated and written by a real author.

I like the concept, but I think this will only work properly when given the right amount of space. One page isn't enough.

I hope you rewrite this in a longer format and then let everyone know so they can read it.

Good luck.

William D. Prystauk (Level 5)

Although we've seen this before, I liked the path you took. However, please proofread and clean up the grammar as well as some of the clumsy fragments.

I hope you expand upon this idea for something more - especially showing how the character goes from homebody to psychiatric hospital, which was a jarring switch in the script.

Comments Made After the Contest

Olga Tremaine (Level 4) ~ 8/1/2012 1:00 AM

This one is pretty funny!

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5) ~ 8/1/2012 4:50 AM

Funny story, Ammar! My Excellent.

Ammar Salmi (Level 5) ~ 8/1/2012 8:18 AM

Thanks everyone for the awesome feedback. I'm sorry I couldn't review all the entries in the month out of laziness and procrastination really. Really sorry about this.

Thanks Olga and Khamanna for the kind words. Very proud that you found the story compelling. I wrote it in a hurry in pretty much one go an hour before the deadline. Hope that explains all the stupid grammatical mistakes.

Thank you very much everyone again.