Comments Made During the Contest

Adam Grage (Level 4)

I liked the sentiment of this story but it needs some work in polishing the dialogue and ramping up the scenes.

There are alot of typos. I'm not going to point them all out but this script needs to be reviewed to fix those because it was very distracting.

Adrienne Jorgensen (Level 4)

It's a sweet little story. I thought you used the flashbacks well.

Something about the dialogue doesn't quite feel natural to me. Maybe work on giving the characters more distinct voices & varying the tempo in which they speak.

Austin Jones (Level 4)

Nice job. Good solid structure. His turn around is a little over the top for my tastes but I love the way you used the flashbacks to help him work things out. Also John and Barb's dialogue at the top is not very fresh...kinda a tired theme, but of course one that works. Might be nice to find a new conversation for that couple to have...even if it is the one that every couple always has...we have all just heard it too many times. Nice work.

Barbara Lewis (Level 4)

Aw, I like this one. I like his epiphany. OK I'm not totally believing it (that he'd suddenly notice these three items and it would take him to these specific memories one right after the other). But I like a romance with a nice happy ending. :)

One thing - I actually think his speech to her at the end weakens the effect a bit. It's long. I think it's something he would say to her later...after they put the kid to bed and have torrid makeup sex. I feel like he'd come in, and a look would pass between them, and their shoulders would relax, and they would just *know*. And he'd hug her and whisper that he is sorry...

Good work!

Brad LaMar (Level 2)

I like the tone of the story and the emphasis on the relationship, but I would encourage the writer to keep the story in the present and not rely on flashbacks. There was a good use of the three objects and the transitions were right on.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

Very nice uplifting piece. I was expecting a dark twist at the end, so it was nice to be surprised. Good work.

Bryan Mora (Level 4)

I thought this was well written. The flashback brought their story to a new level, made it somehow real for me.


At first i thought the shut up and kiss me line was a tiny but cheesy. I mean you give us these meaningful flashbacks that give John some emotion, and the first thing he says to his wife after he's sorry is 'shut up and kiss me'...that didn't work for me. BUT THEN you gave the line saying how that was what he said before, and they'd lost it's meaning.

So now i like the line lol

Good job, liked it alot.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

This was a good portrayal of a typical harrassed family at the beginning, but I'm not so sure it was entertaining to read so much nagging and bickering!

I think more variety was needed to give it a change of pace. The three flashbacks associated with the items were just too samey one after the other.

I didn't understand why he put the quarter on her belly 'so he could feel the baby move.'

You used rather too many parentheticals and there were some errors - like lack of capitals for Barb - which need careful editng before you submit.

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus)

Good story, nicely done.
Enjoyed the flashbacks relating to each item he came across and how they tied into getting over the rut the two of them were in.
You write well and your dialogue works.
What doesn't work are all the typos which really took me out of the story over and over again. If you clean those up I think you'll be looking really good with this one.
Even with the typos, good job.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

Good title.

I like the way you use all three items with the flashbacks to remind John of his love.

I do think you need to work on the dialogue a bit. It is a little too on the nose througout and his speech at the end is a little much. Find ways to tell the story through action instead of dialogue - it is almost always more effective.

Dave Kunz (Level 4)

Clear characters and story arc. But the dialogue came across as stilted and on the nose. And the stakes felt very low. Then again, it was a small slice of life being portrayed and that part came through clearly.

Re: dialogue, I would suggest to look for ways to leave things unsaid. For example: John's second bit of dialogue, we already know he's had a long hard day of work, if he just yells "Damn, Barb!" and shoves the papers on the floor the message comes through loud and clear. Less is more.

David D. DeBord (Level 5)

A simple tale. Props are used effectively to trigger flashbacks, although the change in heart of John is dramatic, fast, and maybe not too believable.

But then, maybe so.

Dawn Calvin (Level 5)

This was so romantic and I just loved the story.

I love the use of Flashback for every prop. Clever.

The writing was so easy to read and follow.

I didn't once come out of the story, which is how I measure some times.

Awesome! You have my vote!

DW Pollard (Level 4)

Format and writing was good, the dialogue flowed easily and smoothly.

The story, though, was a little too simple and easy. There wasn't much for John to have to overcome, not a lot of conflict or drama.

I think there could have been more meaningful flashback sequences that delved into John or Barb's character more, something giving more of their essence and that would provoke more of John's change.

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

A good feel good story. I thought the beginning argument was a touch commonplace, dialogue.

Graham Trelfer (Level 4)

I hope I am not getting reading fatigue, it seems that people have hooked onto the ring as the driving force of the story. Hard to say now. I thought it was well written, it just didn't jump out at me as being particularly inspired, I feel as if I have read it before. Maybe by looking at where things went wrong rather than when things were good would have been more interesting. That way he could have done something more meaningful than just coming back in.

Jane Beckwith (Level 4)

The characters and conflict work, but on a somewhat familiar level. I think we need a bit more from the characters beyond the roles they are playing. Some of the dialogue was a stilted. I think that re-writing some of the dialogue to avoid "on the nose" comments - dialogue in which people say exactly what they mean (such as when the wife complains) would give the situation more zip. I think the line "let's set the table" is more powerful than the character's speech that announces his reform and makes the reform speech superfluous.

Jay Knisely (Level 4)

Excellent story. Put together well, except that flashbacks don't excuse (different) scene headers which pulled it down some. Cogent use of the 3 items - each with its own flashback. Great fitting title.

John Foley (Level 4)

I think the flashbacks at first were a little too much. However, in the end they helped bring the story back full circle.

Jonathan D. Greene (Level 2)

This is a good piece. I like the theme.

I like the resolve.

You worked in the required elements (small round things) so nicely I realized I forgot what they were!

It might be more powerful if he chose not to start the car rather than the car stopping him.

The dialog is a bit 'on the nose' whereby people say exactly what they are thinking. Some minor work can fix that. Maybe use actions to replace some of these instances.

Several typos.

Barb seems hard-hearted in her first exchange with her husband. Later when he returns it seems he might have to work a little harder to woo her back than he does in the script as written.

Overall I'm giving it a 'good'. I look forward to seeing future scripts from this person.

Kirk White (Level 5)

Giving this a good for effort, although I can't say the story really moved me. It just seemed a well worn territory and I kept waiting for the twist or unique perspective that never came. Clever use of the three items. I'm thinking maybe I'm just too cynical to appreciate this...

Liz Messineo (Level 4)

I appreciate the sentiment of the script. However, the change in John happens very quickly. It sounds like they have been caught in this pattern for a while. Perhaps if they just have a bad day or two, this would be enough to snap him out of his slump. Interesting use of the three objects.

Margaret Avnet (Level 4)

There were a few typos, but a good proofreading will fix that. I enjoyed the script and I liked how you used the flashbacks with the props to tell the story. Good job.

Matias Caruso (Level 5)

I liked the sentimental value you managed to inject to each of the props. And I liked how you used flashbacks to show, through visuals, the meaning of each of these objects to the protagonist.

I can’t find anything wrong in the execution of this story. But the story itself is too ordinary. I mean, the events described are pretty common. I know that a strong hook is pretty hard to find, but I think you need one.

Cool title, by the way.

Michael Cornetto (Level 5)

Not bad. A man appreciates his wife. I liked it.

Neora Luria (Level 1)

The characters and setup is too cliche. "Remembering the good times" is a little too easy and unrealistic for a guy to re-route his feelings and forget the weight of marriage problems.

Even if it wasn't supposed to be realistic, there was nothing clever, funny, or original to hide that fact.

Pia Cook (Level 5)

Another Very Good one this month.

I don't really have too much to offer as far as comments goes, but that tend to happen the better the stories are.

If I had to comment or suggest anything it would be changing the order of the flashbacks. Swapping places between the coin and the ring parts. That way it follows the timeline of events better.

Great job though.

Pia :-)

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

Sweet, slice-of-life story. I felt the characters were a bit stereotypical. I don't see too many women wear aprons anymore. The flashbacks were neatly laced through the action. I wished there would have been more of a confrontation between John and Barb before he leaves - more of a "If you walk out again.." threat to add a bit of drama and raise the stakes a bit but overall I thought this was a solid response to the challenge and a fine script.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

I think you've got some great moments in this script. Your writing is strong and the use of flashback works to tell the story.

I think the title is good, it conveys what you are trying to accomplish, which is to show the audience that sometimes times are hard, but it's the small things that make for a great relationship.

I gave this a good because I think you can write and write well. However, I felt the story lacked some tension.
Especially at the end, where the problem was solved very quickly.

All in all a good script that would make a nice story on film.

Spencer McDonald (Level 4)

A touching story. Seemed like a John Hughes tale. I liked it and it had a happy conclusion.

Only thing that seemed odd was the opening. You describe John in pretty good detail, including how he is dressed. Could you describe you character in one or two words that elude to someone who would dress in blue jeans and flannel? That would be my only recommendation.

Excellent.

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

Well I liked the idea of it, except the story told thru flashbacks didn't really work for me. There were also some parts that could be taken out - for example, the opening "establishing" shot didn't draw me in, might have started better with him already entering the door. I didn't have much sympathy for John, so did not see how the "little things" would move him. You also lost a point for the "thank you have a nice day" line didn't help develop the characters the way you intended.

T. Joseph Fraser (Level 3)

A little predictable, but a nice little story with a whole lot of truth in it; the little things mean a lot...If it was me though, I'd already be down a few beers with the boys before I got all sentimental....

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus)

I enjoyed the writing and I like the premise of the story -- but John's turnaround felt very rushed. I understand the page limitations, however his realization comes very quickly.

John's a bit too cold toward Jake at the beginning, and maybe that is due to the "pushes his son away" line. Instead, could John "without looking at Jake, John musses his hair" followed by his dialogue? I think it shows that he loves Jake, but is preoccupied. Pushing someone away, especially a child, makes me feel that John's a jerk and I lose interest in his conflict.

I like the quarter falling to the ground, initiating the Flashback then on the stomach -- nice touch.

Comments Made After the Contest

Stephenie Ruffin (Level 4) ~ 12/1/2007 12:36 AM

Thanks again for the reviews. Well I have to say that my scores have improved over the past few months and I'm happy for that. I think the comments help tremendously.

I usually go through my script and check for grammer before submitting. I guess I missed some typos. I will edit. Thanks again.

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 12/14/2007 9:55 AM

I enjoyed this story and I definitely think your writing is improving. I'm looking forward to your next story.

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus) ~ 12/14/2007 4:20 PM

Good job, Stephenie, the typos were your biggest enemy on this one. Looking forward to seeing more of your work.

Stephenie Ruffin (Level 4) ~ 12/14/2007 6:35 PM

Thanks guys for the words of encouragement..