Comments Made During the Contest

A.M. Wallace (Level 0)

A good story. Good structure. You have some typos that need to be fixed. That will help it read better and make it a better story. Also, it's good to paint a picture in the reader's head but don't get too tied to details that don't matter to the story. Does it matter that Calvin is 27? Can he be 28 or 26? Does it really matter if it's raining outside?

Alex Hollister (Level 4)

Sweet story. Loved the whole Father. Mother, Son dynamic. Loved the Southern slant to everything. I liked the visual of Jurassic Park meets Chicken Run (sorta). Good stuff.

Barbara Lewis (Level 4)

This was cute - I think you got ahold of a kid's perspective well (though it's been so long since I've been a kid).

I liked that you made their accent clear in the dialogue without slipping into dialect.

For a second I wasn't sure where the dream ended...if Calvin's burp was part of it, but now I see that Rusty is just sleeping next to them. Maybe add a line in there that the dream ended?

Bob McFarlane (Level 3)

I liked the dialog and it was cute but it didn't do much for me. I found some of the descriptions to be awkward and they took me out of the story, such as "Rusty races away, tears." Tears what? Is he crying or did he rip in half? Why not, "Rusty races away crying." or "... tears streaming down his cheeks."? But, again, the dialog rang true for me and enjoyed it.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

This was enjoyable. Nice writing, cute story. Good work.

Bryan Mora (Level 4)

I like teh dialogue and interaction between characters. It feels real, and not forced.

The story was something i hadn't read before, and i enjoyed this. Good job.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

My favourite so far - one that had all the cuteness of Christmas but managed to avoid the cheese that has permeated so many of the stories I've read so far.

Love to see it filmed!

Well done!

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus)

Cute story, well written.
Got a little teadious in the dream sequence and didn't really have any kind of twist or surprise ending as I was hoping for.
Still, good job.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

I really enjoyed this story.

I thought the characters were great and I loved the dialogue and the visuals as well. The dream was a lot of fun.

Wonderful title and lovely sweet ending. Very well done.

Dave Kunz (Level 4)

Good use of characters and setting. The mom, in particular, really came through for me and worked as a character. I liked the dream sequence with the huge, raptor-like turkeys. That part could, perhaps, be expanded if you choose to rewrite this piece. The ending didn't work for me. The payoff seemed formulamaic. You're a good writer, I think you could find a better twist for the ending. Perhaps play off Sara wanting a new heater for the truck and make that Rusty's new Christmas wish.

David D. DeBord (Level 5)

Certainly a decent story.

The old “it was only a dream” ploy is just that, a bit old and clichéd. I actually hoped it was a part of the story but was disappointed quickly when I could see the dream part coming a mile or two away. Mom’s just lay your head down dialog spelled it out too well.

Dawn Calvin (Level 5)

Very good! Great Story.

Awesome ARC for the little boy, Rusty. (loved the Dad's name too by the way)!

I enjoyed the dream scene. That was something new for me to read and enjoy.

These characters were beleivable - the accent was pretty good and worked.

Good job and good luck!

James Cheatham (Level 3)

Very nice. I would recommend that you reduce Rusty's final lines to "Nah, changed my mind." The extra dialogue adds more back-end weight than necessary.

Other than that, very enjoyable. Great imagery of the giant turkeys. Even though I figured that's where the story was headed, it was still enjoyable when the evitable happened. Good job.

Jane Beckwith (Level 4)

I really enjoyed this read. I was already into the characters and the unexpectedly fun raptor turkeys were really a hoot.

Jay Knisely (Level 4)

Cute story. Pace, tone, chars and arc spot on. Keep an audience interest right nice. Only prob I saw was the need for an - end dream sequence. Highest marks.

John Foley (Level 4)

I liked the kid's dream sequence here. But it has awkward transition for me when he wakes up.

John LaBonney (Level 4)

I didn't care for the story in this one. The characters are okay, but why wouldn't he want the gun? The dream doesn't really show anything that would turn him off the idea.

Kirk White (Level 5)

giving a good. although I'm not entirely wild about the phonetic ignoramus dialect that is chock a block with bad spelling....I have to say the actual story was cute.

Margaret Avnet (Level 4)

This was a nice little story. I like how you incorporated the dream into the script. Some of the description was a bit choppy but overall a good job.

Matias Caruso (Level 5)

I wonder if this is Spencer’s work as its staccato writing style suggests.

Anyways, I liked it. One of my favorites so far. The dialogue lines and the little act that these parents made to scare their kid away from guns were quite entertaining.

A bit too dialogue-driven for the most part, although the kid’s dream was a suitable visual relief.

The moral behind this tale has some slight negative connotations which I’m not sure if they were intended by the author. “Sometimes you’ve got to lie to kids for their own good” is what I gather from here. It doesn’t bother me and I did enjoy reading this story. But I’m guessing that some parents might find the thematic statement a bit debatable as far as the use of guns is concerned.

Anyways, this was well crafted. Very good job here. And thanks for your contribution.

Matthew Phillips (Level 4)

This is a good story. It shows the power of persuasion when it comes to children. I remember how active my imagination was at that age, very believable character. I think it should be spelled hiccup, but I'm not sure. Other than that, you did a great job with this. The visuals are well done, the scenes are constructed well.

Michael Cornetto (Level 5)

That was pretty good. I liked the characters and I didn't mind the dream. Well done.

Mike Snyder (Level 1)

WONDERFUL!

This was like a redneck take on A Christmas Story.I loved the father-son relationship.The dream sequence was the highlight of your script, you are an extremely talented family-film storyteller.Awesome!

-Mike

Paul Young (Level 3)

The descriptions were easy to visualize and I liked the fast paced action. It could be difficult to film the turkey scenes but everything else would be relatively easy to shoot. A nice little family short for the holidays!

Pia Cook (Level 5)

Very Good!

Characters were well developed and their dialogue felt true and the story was solid.

I really liked it. Very nice story. :-)

Ralph Shorter (Level 3)

Nice Christmas story (better he gets the turkey than the gun at seven!)
Good rapport between father and son.
Enjoyed the read.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

This is a favorite of mine!! Very well done, you've captured this hick family perfectly. They're honest, simple folk who love each other. I really enjoyed it.

The 'Hick up' threw me at first, did you mean hiccup?

I gave this a very good, because I think the writing is solid and the story shines through.

Nice work

Stan Tjaden (Level 3)

Liked the beginning. Set the tone.

Showed the conflict early -- good.

Why is Turkey capped? A turkey is... well... a turkey.

Even though it's slang trying to be shown -- "cores shot" should be -- core's shot.

The transition into Rusty's dream could be smoother and the exit could be transitioned visually.

Liked the story overall.

Stephenie Ruffin (Level 4)

That was great. You nailed the dialog. This was well written and the pacing was smooth. Nice job.

Steve Hanson (Level 2)

This was a delightful story to read. The characters were quirky and interesting.

You did a good job of keeping the pressure on the plot: Rusty says he ONLY wants a gun, Sara makes up the lie about the giant turkeys, Rusty hiccups in his dream, etc.

I also thought it was very funny that there's a "Christmas Law" and when Calvin swerved to avoid the the "giant turkey".

The ending felt both surprising and inevitable. It was fabulous that he wanted to eat a giant, house-sized turkey.

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

I'm going to have nightmares about dinosaur turkey raptors for sure.

T. Joseph Fraser (Level 3)

Fighting the urge to respond to this in redneck voice. Alas, I can not.

Sheeeooot. I ain't never hear o' a redneck boy that ain't got a firearm from his paw at seven year old...Kid shoulda been pickin' off possums and fryin' up squirrel stew by five year old...All that fancy book learnin' they been pushin' down the Wal-mart, tell ya whut...

Not sure bout Rusty's dream sequence, seems to be a diversion from the main story (Rusty wants a gun for Christmas?) Any true redneck woulda hit one of them turkeys with the pick-up and tossed the road kill in the back...

Funny characters, although I think on the whole it's a bit incohesive...

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus)

"You'll Shoot Your Eye Out, Kid" A little country Christmas story.

I liked the script. The vernacular distracted me a bit, and I think it's because it wasn't "country consistent". Speaking a certain way is very difficult to keep up, every line has to be spoken out loud, to hear any differences to the previous lines... such as using Pa, rather than Dad -- "...so I can hunt Turkeys with you, Dad (Pa)".

Calvin Abraham Thompson (Chester, no?).

Enjoyable script -- family story, father and son.

Comments Made After the Contest

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 1/1/2008 12:50 PM

Great story. Another one of my favorites this month.