Comments Made During the Contest

A.M. Wallace (Level 0)

Interesting story. Good lead in and development of the story. But, I give you a "fair" because you have lots of typos to fix. It seriously interrupts the flow to have so many typos. "Your free to go". My personal pet peeve is "your" and "you're". One means it belongs to someone, the other one means you are. The sentence should be "You're free to go". "...the insurance company will except" should be "...the insurance company will accept"

Adam Grage (Level 4)

You have a good idea started here but it is marred by poor dialogue that is on the nose like "...I wasn't home the
night my husband was gunned down in cold blood." and "...The perfect murder, the perfect evidence manipulation.

The scene plays out like a typical crime procedural where all the exposition is drawn out. I would look at how you could make this usual type of story fresh with a new angle.

Alex Hollister (Level 4)

Whilst I appreciate a lesbian story as much as the next man (ahem...), this is a tired, cliched twist. It relies on absolutely no foreshadow and comes wham-bam out of the blue in a way that irks somewhat. All the best twists rely on a bulid-up of subtle clues that whilst not clear in the beginning, take on an entirely different connotation once the truth is revealed. what we have here is the trite, Lazy twist where the writer goes for shock-value at the expense of any sort of credability. Add to that some dodgy dialogue - especially the toast at the end- not to mention a poor title and you have a piece that had potential in it's concept, but suffered in it's execution.

Barbara Lewis (Level 4)

I like this idea but I was stuck on one thing right from the beginning - the blood spatter. It's really easy to tell from blood spatter from what angle the blood hit the surface. So right away I knew that what she said about cradling him and his body splashing as he went down was unlikely. The blood spatter would have come from below then, and one of these detectives (the uninvolved one) would have known that. So then the rest of it just couldn't have played out that way...if Jones thought she killed him, I don't see it in this script that he would have believed blood came from below. And we know the guy was bludgeoned (which gives a distinctive spatter pattern) (no I've never killed anyone...I had a class on this in grad school!)

So having said that! I think this is written well, but you'll want to fix the technical aspects of the crime. Jones would definitely know she did it from what she said. Stone of course would have already known. I think you can still make this work :)

Bob McFarlane (Level 3)

I generally liked the writing. Double check your word usage in some cases like "except." Should have been "accept." I was left a little flat at the end though. On twist endings, I like to be able to look back and find double meaning in things that came before and I can see the other meaning now that I know the ending. It makes it all the more interesting. Like if Jennifer had gotten upset during the interrogation and called Stone a dyke. Then at the end, they have a good laugh about it.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

I am unfamiliar with IND. as a scene heading. I assume you meant INT.

The story here was very good with a nice twist at the end, but there were several minor typos that disturbed the flow of it throughout. Nice job.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

Didn't see the twist coming, so that was good.

I'm not sure how visually strong this would be, almost all a police interview. Perhaps a bit more SHOW instead of so much TELL - for example - the husband's body?

There were a number of words misused - e.g. except for accept, and a number of typos - even IND in the opening scene heading, instead of INT! It's a good idea to be careful and check this out because it gives a sloppy impression.

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus)

Your writing is good, except for the typos, which became a distraction and some of your dialogue doesn't sound quite natural. For instance:

STONE
Okay so where were you the night of
Dec 15th.
JENNIFER
I told you I went shopping for
Christmas gifts. I wasn't home the
night my husband was gunned down in
cold blood.
The "I wasn't home the night my husband was gunned down in cold blood" part, both Jennifer and Stone know, she wouldn't say that, so it's obvious that you are trying to tell the audience which is a bit irritating. Why can't he just say, "So, you weren't home the night your husband was gunned down in cold blood?" "No, I was out shopping."
And when Stone comes in at the end, they are all business going through the envelope and everything, then Wham! they pull out of their facades and are all lovey-dovey. Just didn't seem or sound natural.
I didn't expect Stone to be in it, until she showed up at the door, which is good. You don't need to prolong it after that, because as soon as she was at the door, I knew, it was a scam.
Anyway, all-in-all it was a good story, well written. Good job.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

I thought this was good.

However, the story feels a little predictable with standard police interrogation dialogue. It's not bad, it's just not unique or surprising and I was hoping for a little more in the end.

Dave Kunz (Level 4)

I like how you played off the concept of "couples" in the interrogation and then again at the end of the story. That was good. There was also some good character work with Jennifer and Stone, mostly w/Stone. Her character came through the strongest. There was also a clear beginning, middle, and end.

A couple of suggestions: If you start a script w/a line like "Okay, so where were you the night of December 15th," a lot of people are automatically going to think you're going for parody or an over-the-top tongue in cheek sort of thing. You probably could have cut that line and started w/Jennifer's first line (rule of thumb: start scenes late and get out early). Also, you could perhaps work on the subtext between Jennifer and Stone in the interrogation scene, drop a few veiled hints about their real relationships or slip in a couple of double meanings. Good work.

David D. DeBord (Level 5)

Simply didn’t care for this one. Too much of a distilled bad television cop show from the early 1960’s. Clichés and overdone (or underdone) dialog, just never rang true to me.

Nice twist that a female cop was involved and was the secret lover, though I had forgotten that her name was Cassie. I couldn’t figure out to whom Jennifer hands the envelope in the last scene until I went back to the beginning of the script to find out that Detective Stone’s first name was Cassie.

Sorry, those are all the comments I have.

Dawn Calvin (Level 5)

Really good title and twist with the cop in on the crime and the affair and conspiracy.

Somehow Stone turned into Cassie and that thru me off.

Besides that small thing it was really fun to read and the action and dialouge were balanced very well.

Good luck

Deborah Mack (Level 3)

Great twist at the end! I was expecting a twist, but I did not expect that. Good job! ;)

I spotted just a few tiny typos here and there like; IND instead of INT, detectives, instead of detective, your instead of you’re and to instead of too.

Other than those few small things, I couldn’t find anything wrong with this script. I loved your story set up (it reminded me of “The Fugitive”) and I loved your twist. I also thought it was clever how you kept the surprise a secret for as long as you could; I mean, even after Stone comes into Jennifer’s house we are still being mislead. Keep up the great writing! :D

Gary Murphy (Level 3)

Quite a good story, I certainly did not see what was coming in the end and you managed to wrap it up quite nicely within the 5 pages.

The only thing that did not sit quite right was the final scene, The line asking where Stone's partner is did not sound right. I would of thought Jennifer would have used his name - after all she has met him a couple of times and if she is having a relationship with Stone she would have discussed him. "So where is Peter?" would have sounded much more natural i would think.

And the line that follows immediately "To be honest, I'm a little surprised
to see you here." Again just did not sit right, I think Jennifer would have been expecting a visit from Stone on Christmas Eve. I know you are trying to delay the shock ending as long as possible but you cannot deceive to the viewer to help you achieve that and this sounded like you were trying to do that.

Two very minor points I know but they did throw me off a little and made the ending feel a little false.

Thanks

George L. Heredia (Level 3)

Straight forward no-nonsense descriptions. Read very Film Noir... I would have exploited this even more, with descriptions of darkness, shade, cigarette smoke...you get it, baby.

The ending seemed expected somehow...but fits well with the whole story and setup.

Again, I really liked it...amp up the noir more...it gets an excellent.

Graham Trelfer (Level 4)

Having read so many of these 5 page scripts one thing keeps coming up. The twist ending. There is nothing wrong with it, but the moment I read about a murder then I'm looking for twist. You also put too much in the dialouge, characters talking about interesting events is rarely as good as seeing interesting events. Otherwise you have a good writing style, but don't forget to proof read (you're or your for example).

James Cheatham (Level 3)

Interesting premise. Well-written piece. At first, it seemed to mimic many of the police dramas out there, but when the climax is presented, the need for that format presents itself. This would make an interesting full-length script.

Jane Beckwith (Level 4)

I liked the story. I think actors will be drawn to the script by the challenge of playing the subtext. Some of the dialogue didn't quite work for me. The description of holding her husband sounded stilted (but maybe it would if she were stressed out). A few typos forced me out of the story. "Your" instead of "You're" and "Merry Christmas to you to" should be "too". Also, I did get confused for a second by the switch to Cassie, instead of Stone in the action, although I can see why you made the switch.

Jay Knisely (Level 4)

Nice piece of ruse work. Except for me it seems to start toward the end of act II - only an implied front end. What's here reads well enough to be good - better with more in front.

John Foley (Level 4)

I have seen this type of crime many times. I suspecting that one of the cops was in on the crime with her. The only surprise was which one it really was. The "perfect crime" is really hard to pull off.

Kirk White (Level 5)

clever idea. well done. ending reminded me of Death Trap a bit. couple careless spelling errors but nothing earth shattering. giving a good.

Margaret Avnet (Level 4)

First off you made a few typos. Just be sure to reread the script a couple of times. Overall a nice job though I have to admit I suspected Stone was in on the murder when he showed up at Jennifer's house.

Matias Caruso (Level 5)

It’s a quite interesting Christmas gift that drives this story. It’s good to see how you managed to build a crime/thriller story based on a theme requirement that begs for a touching drama.

I liked the twist. Definitely the highlight of this script. Oh, and I hate you for writing it, since I’m working on a story with a quite similar angle; it really stings when someone beats you to an idea :-)

My only beef would be with the last dialogue lines since these girls tell to each other lots of things they already know, and it becomes too obvious that their exchange is just for the benefit of the audience.

But overall, I think you did a good job.

Matthew Phillips (Level 4)

This is well done. I thought the course of the story was logical. I would like to see motivation for a hard-nosed cop to turn corrupt though. She's in love, yes, but what is it that forces them to kill the husband. Reveal how there can be no other way, and I will be more satisfied.

Michael Cornetto (Level 5)

That's the second lesbian crime spree that I read in 24 hrs. Must be a popular theme this month. It was good, however, I thought the dialogue - especially at the begining - seemed a bit on the nose.

Paul Young (Level 3)

Strong dialog between the detective and the suspect. I liked the twist in the end and it was definitely unexpected. It would be very feasible to produce this script as well since most of it takes place in one room and it's predominantly dialog throughout the script!

Pia Cook (Level 5)

This was pretty good I thought.

I didn't see the conection between Jennifer and Cassie at al, but I did have my inkling about Jennifer being the guilty person early on.

A couple of questions,

Wouldn't people eventually be suspiscious about Jenifer being together with the detective that investigated the murder? Especially if they went to the bahamas together shortly after the murder.

Good luck!

Rob Gross (Level 4)

When describing the detectives, you don't need to say "looks every bit a cop".

You describe Cassie as by the book- We can't see that. Use images rather than saying things we can't see.

Maybe have Peter throw a chair, then Cassie tell him to leave and then use a calm voice.

Capitalize the OFFICER, when we first see him. It is standard formatting and also alerts the reader that you are introducing a new character. Then you say "he hands him" . I didn't know who "he" was. I had to go back and see that you introduced the officer.

Not sure they would go to the Bahamas together. That's way too far fetched.

I thought your twist was really good at the end. Once Det. Stone went to her house, I thought she was there to bust her or hurt her...then the twist...

Very good twist.

I liked the interrogation dialog. Moved well.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

This is not a bad story, it just needs a little more mystery. I could sort of tell where it was going. However,

I think it's a good effort and with a little work, it could be a good little story

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

Overall GOOD - even though I have a few issues: The character intros where uneven. For example, Jennifer is described as "attactive with long flowing hair" and you dress her in a specific costume. Ditto Peter is described by his appearance, rather than personality. The only one character description that was working for me was Cassie "hardnose by the book". The fact that Jennifer has long flowing hair is irrelevant, as is the fact that Peter wears a tie. Stick with the personality description so I get a sense of the person rather than what they are wearing. I noticed a few typos (notably "suite and tie" and "your free to go") which was only a little distracting because the story was working for me. Liked the twist at the end; would have liked a clue in the beginning (like Peter could have said Jeeze, Cassie you were awfully hard on Jennifer). Lastly, and this is a nitpick: If the husband were hit on the head with a baseball bat, wouldn't the cops know that even without forensics - suggest tightening up the chain of evidence. Still, I enjoyed this tale, murder as the perfect gift.

Terence Ang (Level 3)

The story's well written, dialog's ok but I guessed I was hoping for something more. Overall good hook and great twist inserted. It didn't feel awkward at all.

Vitomar Souza (Level 0)

Just one question, Who is Cassie? I've got confused at the end, but I did enjoy the twist, excellent for five pages, but I would have tried to add some flashback of the murder at the beginning without revealing the killer. Great Job!!!

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus)

I will preface my comments by saying I am not a fan of crime stories. I find them to be cliched and they generally do not interest me.

You introduce Cassie Stone as a by the book cop. You can't do that with what you lead us to at the end. It's inconsistent.

I also have a hard time believing that Jennifer would be there without her lawyer.

Comments Made After the Contest