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"Sex with Loaded Weapons" by Brian Wind

Rewrite: 2/11/2010 12:00 AM

Logline: A bank robber gets more than he bargained for when his hostage is turned on by his criminal behavior.

Genre: Action - Comedy - Crime - Romance - Thriller

Cast Size: 2

Production Status: In Production

Contest: Sex Sells (Feb. 2008)

Contest Scores
PoorFairGoodVery GoodExcellent
0%12%32%52%4%

Comments Made During the Contest

A.M. Wallace (Level 0)

Short and sweet. I like this one a lot. This works very well as a 5 pager. You have very good descriptions and set the scene and characters quickly. I would like to see just a small amount of backstory as to why Leah is so calm and collected and able to turn the tables so quickly on Jeff. Nothing too much but her behavior certainly isn't typical of a early-20s female so a little backstory would be nice. But, very good, I really enjoyed it.

Audrey Webb (Level 5)

Interesting...I'm left wondering whether Leah knew what she was doing from the very beginning when she ran over Jeff's motorcycle. No need to answer, but is that something you gave thought to? The answer might change things for you...something to mull over.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

I thought this was a very good story. Kinda reminded me of 'Hard Candy' the way that Leah was a surprise, turning everything around the way she did.

Both characters were credible and I like to see only two in a short script.

Well done!

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus)

Very good job here, never really knew what to expect, and really liked where you ended up. I realize you only had five pages, but the seduction just seemed a little too quick and out of nowhere and I don't buy how she got the gun out of his hand. The only other thing was she told him it was getting dark, then later leaves him dying in the "midday" sun.
Love the title. Thought you did a very good job overall.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

Your craft is good and this was a page/screen turner.

However, I just don't believe it. Perhaps if you had started with half a page of Leah and we had some idea who she was. Or if she was his driver and turned on him. But, for a kidnap victim to turn and scheme like that so quickly, just felt false.

The story is compelling, but without characters with depth it loses some impact. Give me some real insight (and subtext) into Leah and this could be very good.

Dan Lennox (Level 4)

I really liked this!

Very good descriptions and dialogue. Also, I didn't quite expect it to end the way it did. I was expecting a happily ever after type ending, but was totally surprised. Nice touch!

David D. DeBord (Level 5)

Ah, a quicky. In the front seat no less.

I liked this concept. It was rather a trashy encounter for sure. I do wish the script was more refined though. The story can be foul, trashy, slutty, but the story telling has to be crisp and clean. It was the telling that left me uninspired.

The first half dozen action lines are way over-written and need to be tightened. When a script starts that way, it does not give a good first impression. Then, in my mind, the rest of the script has to catch up. This one just didn’t.

Great idea. Loved the trashy nature of the encounter. Just didn’t like the script.

David Payne (Level 1)

I really like the set up but I did think the 'If you insist' line was a bit too casual for the moment and quite a quick shift in Jeff's character up to that point. Great writing as I could see it play out in my head which is always a good sign. Keep up the good work!

Dawn Calvin (Level 5)

Funny, good writing and great twist. I like that the girl came out on top, no pun intended! Clever.

Gary Murphy (Level 3)

Pretty good story, I never expected the end. Though did see a little brutal to me, It may have been better to have had some kind of story for Leah, something to make me believe she was capable of killing someone. I found it a little hard to believe as it is. But apart from that a good effort.

Jane Beckwith (Level 4)

I liked it. She's not just a bit of a freak, she's a devious, thieving freak... To make this memorable, and not just interesting, try to give Jeff a few more character attributes. He's kind of a "nobody" rather than "everyman" turned bank robber. He seems too easily manipulated without a real present time "agenda" of his own...

John LaBonney (Level 4)

Enjoyed it, a little racy for my tastes, but this is Sex Sells month. The fact that she actually does have sex with him instead of just conning him with flirting is an appealing point to the script that is really telling about her character.

Jonah Yarden (Level 4)

Cool. This was fun though some of the dialogue was alittle trite though i did like " never even got a parking ticket" that was a brilliant line!

I gave it a 3 [good] because some of the dialogue didnt ring true and pulled me out of the moment also him asking her to count the money- she should have just seen it.
Other than that, a nice approach.

Good Job!

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

Now that's harsh. Leah is my kind of girl...GREAT job. Love the story and the twist.

Matias Caruso (Level 5)

Haha, this was very well written.

I enjoyed the craziness of the situation and the dark humor.

My only (tiny) complaint would be with the ending. A little too dark and violent in comparison with the rest of this tale’s tone, which was mostly humorous.

Very entertaining nonetheless.

Michael Thede (Level 4)

Continuity problem: On page two Leah says "it's getting dark!" and yet on page five Jeff is left lying "beneath the midday sun". :) This was a good little story. I could predict where it was going, however, and the use of sex seemed a bit gratuitous (i.e. it didn't serve any real purpose). It also seemed like she just stumbled upon Jeff rather than having planned this all along, so it was a bit difficult to believe she'd go from being someone who appeared so apathetic at first, to a cold-blooded killer so quickly. If I believed she had been tracking him for a while or had purposely arrived at the bank when she did, then I think this story would've had a little more credibility. Nevertheless, I'm scoring you a GOOD. More could definitely come from this, though.

Pia Cook (Level 5)

This was ****** up!! Hahaha, I really enjoyed it.

Good writing, enjoyed the story, funny and good turn in the end.

I have no suggestions other than perhaps letting Jeff live in the end. Maybe just leave him naked or something.

My vote: VERY GOOD

Rich Keel (Level 4)

Nicely done. The white trash whore outsmarts the crook. I didn't see it coming, for some reason I thought she was going to die on accident. Nice job!

Rustom Irani (Moderator)

That was extremely good writing. The way the momentum shifts from character to character is nicely achieved.

The batting of the eyelids and pouting was a bit of description that didn't quite work as Jack wouldn't fall for something that hokey.

Otherwise stellar job.

Should place in my opinion. One of the best MP scripts I've read.

Keep on writing.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

While I think your writing is good, the story didn't do anything for me, there was no element of surprise, it was just so predictable.
I knew that she was going to do what she did, right when she started soliciting him.

The ending fell a little flat.

On a good point, your dialogue is very snappy, not a lot of exposition, the banter between them is well written.

T. Joseph Fraser (Level 4)

Yeah, Ok. Saw that coming from a mile away, although I did enjoy the ride...Good Job establishing Leah's character to make me suspect that...She was doing what she would do, and that is a good character...Attractive in a white trash kind of way is a bit of a give away, but a great description...

Tom Shipley (Level 4)

Thought this was great... loved the switch during sex. Had a couple things that kept me from scoring a grade up...

I thought you maybe could have set up the girl character a little better, to give some sort of hint she'd be capable attempting what she did (seems like you had a little room to work with to do so). Also, not sure I like her killing him at the end. Think it could be a more believable and interesting ending if she didn't. Maybe warn him not to come find the money because her boyfriend has a bigger gun than he does?

But overall, I thought it was great.

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus)

Twenty-seven banks and he's a bit naive... I thought the writing was good. Not my type of story, but I don't find any fault in its execution.

William D. Prystauk (Level 5)

Good story line, but there are a lot of grammar and punctuation errors throughout that take away from the story. I'm sure you proofread the script, but definitely proofread aloud so you won't miss anything. Beyond that, the story ends abruptly and I can't believe Jeff the criminal would succumb so quickly. Yes, Leah has a gun pointed at his head, but his life is at stake and they are both in a compromising position in the driver's seat of the car with no wiggle room to maneuver. As they're trying to get out of the car, Jeff should take the opportunity to thrown her down or something. I just didn't buy it. Work out those details in the end, and clean up the grammar and punctuation, and this should be one cool story.

William Dunbar (Level 5)

This script didn't really seem all that inspired to me. The story was pretty hackneyed and incomplete, the characters were just barely one-dimensional, the imagery only mediocre. Didn't feel like a lot of effort went into it.
WD


Comments Made After the Contest

Brian Wind (Level 5) ~ 4/1/2008 1:12 AM

Thanks for the feedback everyone!

I'll have to take a day or so to absorb that wide spectrum of opinions. :)

Rustom Irani (Moderator) ~ 4/1/2008 1:20 AM

I liked this one and it would be a cinch to make on a low budget. You write good crime and redemption tales. Nicely done.

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 4/1/2008 9:15 AM

I enjoyed this and I hope I get to read a rewrite.

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus) ~ 4/1/2008 10:47 AM

Brian, once again, you do not disappoint. This was a very good one, you know your stuff.

Brian Wind (Level 5) ~ 4/1/2008 1:20 PM

Thanks everyone! I got a pretty wide range of feedback this month to sort through. Leah's lack of backstory seemed to be a common thread but aside from that, the feedback I got was a little bit of everything. Some people loved the twist and didn't see it coming, others thought this story was predictable. Some people liked the dialogue, others hated it. Some people liked the characters, other felt like they had no dimension.... It's hard to figure out what to make of all that, but thanks again everyone for another great batch of feeddback. :)

Mark Christmas (Level 2) ~ 6/5/2008 10:33 PM

I'm going to tell you right now Brian this is by far my FAVORITE script from this site. It is SO good, though there are a few minor details that could use a touch up. Not only is it good but it's such a simple concept and would be ridiculously easy to film. It's raunchy, violent, shocking and ruthless. Something I look for in a film.

I loved the entire thing and if I could vote on it I would give it an excellent. Yes, there could be a little more character development (which is hard, considering you have five pages) but this one is the best I've read.

Great job!

Not to mention the title is perfect! This is the kind of film I would seriously consider directing myself. Maybe one day I'll have the honor.

:)

Brian Wind (Level 5) ~ 6/6/2008 2:21 AM

Thanks Mark! Glad you enjoyed it. Someday, if wanna give it a go, just give me a hollar.

Mark Christmas (Level 2) ~ 10/15/2008 12:35 AM

Brian when are you going to make this yourself??! It's wonderful!

Brian Wind (Level 5) ~ 10/15/2008 2:40 AM

I'm stoked that you like it so much (This one has actually gotten pretty good responses in general so far. It was my highest scoring script in the scriptnurse contest.), but honestly I don't see it in the immediate future for me. I'm too busy in day to day life right now to even be in pre-production on any projects but I think my next one will end up being Dark Matter (unless someone else films it first. I have had 2 people express interest in it although I don't know if either of them actually shot it or not.)

If you are interested in shooting this, that's awesome. Writing credit & a hard copy is all I'd need in exchange for the story.

Brian Wind (Level 5) ~ 10/16/2008 5:47 PM

Sorry Mark, but I must rescind my offer to let you film this. One way or another, it will be going in to production in the near future (although not by me).
I will post an update once I receive more info. :)

Mark Christmas (Level 2) ~ 11/22/2008 6:35 PM

Funny, I was actually just thinking, "Maybe I could consider filming this next!" But trust me man, it's your baby, it'll turn out great, so keep me updated. I can't wait!

Matt Johnson (Level 3) ~ 11/30/2008 5:55 PM

Maybe I'm doing this prematurely, considering I wrote my first short screenplay this month, so I'll do the best I can to comment on this. First of all the title is a total eye catcher. The young adult category would go for anything with sexual content and a full clip. Hell, I skipped a whole page of short scripts just to read this one.

My first nitpick would be the lack of development in Leah. You had 1/2 a page left to produce a well-thought out character. I think it would have been wise to use up that last 1/2 you left empty for Leah. Also, as soon as the sex began, I could already tell that Leah was going to pull a fast one. Predictable, maybe. Genius, very much so. Overall I think it was very entertaining and a really fun read.

Jose Batista (Level 5) ~ 11/30/2008 10:23 PM

Brian, this was an excellent and enjoyable script. I definitely saw the whole thing coming when she told him she was turned on by the weapon pointing at her, but that did not detract from the story because the story was fun. The script was tight in execution and flowed well. The characters conversing before and during sex was well done and carried the story along. I like the ending, shooting him execution style, but the way Leah got him to that point was a bit unbelievable. He could have easily wrestled the gun away from her when she pointed it at him from that close range, while she was still on him or during her climbing off him. I think that part is crucial because she has to take advantage of his few seconds of weariness from ejaculating in order to climb off him and point the gun at him from a safer distance.

DW Pollard (Level 4) ~ 2/12/2010 12:45 AM

Just read the rewrite (and first time reading this script) and thought it was pretty good, but think you could add a little more to really make it shine.

The ending was predictable, but there's nothing wrong with that. What could enhance things would be to possibly make it a little more of a struggle for Leah, not so easy to get the drop on Jeff. If he's done 27 robberies, I'd expect a little more street smarts and criminal intuition. (She reaches for the gun and he pushes it away; she reaches again and he pushes it out of both of their reach; then she pulls her own...or else maybe a little wrestling...something like that.)

Another thing that could add to the overall believability would be if we somehow found out that Leah had been hunting/stalking his robbery progress and just waiting to make her move. This would add another level of danger to her already psycho behavior.

Even without enhancements, this would make for a good flick. Are you going to be filming in MN?

Tommy Merry (Level 4) ~ 2/25/2010 1:18 AM

Hi Brian, just read the re-write. I'm really torn between the two version as both of them have something very cool about them. I like the fact that Leah did not kill him, as it seemed to extreme in the first version. I think if you put them both side by side and split the difference you would have the perfect blend. The first version seemed to have less dialog if I remember correctly and I like that. Also having Jeff's finger toying with the trigger didn't add anything for me, as I want Leah to be the Bad ass and Jeff to just be a second rate bank robber. (perhaps not only hasn't he killed anyone, but this was his first bank robbery, and that's why she gets the slip on him so easily?? Just a thought.

I also think that the bumper sticker is bit to on-the-nose. Something that let's us know she's super hard core, rude and ain't no lady might be more fun.


Keep in mind that I read the first version about 20 times when I was thinking about directing it, so I'm coming from that perspective. And someone who never had read if before might LOVE this version.

Keep up the great work buddy!

Brian Wind (Level 5) ~ 2/25/2010 2:38 PM

Thanks for looking this over DW & Tommy.

DW, no it won't be filmed in MN. Montreal, I believe.

Thanks for the input! The majority of the changes were made at the director's request. There's actually a few more small changes he wants me to make that I'll be implementing some time this weekend. Once I have a final draft of the script, I'll post it here.

Thanks again!


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