Comments Made During the Contest

A.M. Wallace (Level 0)

This is a clever, funny story. A unique take on zombies that I enjoyed reading. A creative take on over-protective parents. It is better for your screenplay to banish adverbs. They slow the reader down and if your writing is strong enough, they aren't necessary. Maynard says "What son?" and Julie responds. Did you mean this or did you mean for Johnny to respond? Much of the dialog seems stilted and unnatural to me.

Adrienne Jorgensen (Level 4)

you know, at first i felt like the dialog wasn't really working. as the story went on, it felt more stylized, like the unnaturalness of it could actually work pretty well with the story at hand.

i might take out a few of the names in your dialog, though. people don't call each other by name all that often. a few more than normal could work, but i'm not so sure you can get away with the number there are in this script.

the bit about the kids visiting their cousins could use a little more work. the way this story runs, i think you can get away with more exposition than the avg. script, but there are still limits and i feel like the dad's dialog crosses that line a little.

i could see this one coming together as a really amusing and well contained short.

Audrey Webb (Level 5)

I couldn't help but think that the script actually begins where yours ends. What is life like in the city for two teenagers who are accustomed to being around zombies? To me, that's where the interesting story begins. I found your submission to be quite talky without really revealing too much and without getting us anywhere.

Brad Huffman Parent (Level 4)

I really like the concept, but I didn't get a good feel of the everyday workings of the zombie town. Are they the only humans? Do the zombies live as families, in their own houses, or just wander the streets? We see that they go to school but besides that we just see them hanging around outside. I love zombies, and always love to see a new twist. This comes close but doesn't quite hit it.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

Very enjoyable. Reminded me a little of Fido the way they tamed the zombies and I got, and loved, the George Romero reference. Overall, nice script. Fun, fresh and fast read. Great job.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

Can I say, before I even open the script, that my heart kind of sank seeing this was a zombie script. There seem to have been SO MANY lately.

Puss is a nick-name for a cat. Pus is what comes out of wounds. For that reason, Mr. Henderson's 'puss-laden limb' made me chuckle! Oh no, puss on the windscreen too!

This was a jolly tale that made me smile, but somehow, the ending seemed a little weak. It was all built on the premise of Johnny and Julie and their 'needs' but that was just alluded to so briefly and then the resolution had no drama to it.

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus)

Very nice, especially for a Zombie script. Fresh, funny take on the zombie life, but I felt it began to drag just a bit toward the end. Your writing is great and storyline interesting, funny and engaging. The end left me wanting just a bit, but still thought you did a very good job.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

I love a good zombie flick and this didn't disappoint.

The idea of this family living amongst the undead was funny and clever.

However, it felt like it was missing a climax (no pun intended) - a small twist, something unexpected.

Great ending with Henderson waving his dismembered arm goodbye.

Dan Lennox (Level 5)

Good story overall. I thought your descriptions were good. They presented a good visual setting that was easy to read. The dialogue was good, except in a few cases, it seemed a bit On-The-Nose, but nothing that couldn't be fixed.

Poor Mr. Henderson...

Dawn Calvin (Level 5)

Interesting story concept. The slug lines were missing the - DAY or - NIGHT part of the description. Good over all writing style.

Gary Murphy (Level 3)

This was a good stab at a zomcom, it was nicely done. I want to pay particular mention to the dialogue as it was really well written, all three characters had a distinct voice, it was easy to read and follow the conversations so you did a great job at that. I know it is hard with only 5 pages and yours is certainly not alone in this this month but It would have been nice to understand why the town was full of zombies and yet nowhere else was, why did the bracelets help and why they really would want to stay there. Lots of questions that would be better answered in a script at least twice as long I guess. But it was a great effort anyway and an enjoyable read. Nice one.

Jane Beckwith (Level 4)

Very funny. I feel a bit "zombied out" by some recent flicks, but this screenplay had some fresh chuckles in it. Good use of visual juxtaposition, and nice commentary about parents who will do anything to give their teens an edge. The title may have revealed too much of the final joke though... You might consider changing the name post contest.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

You had me till the ending. The first 3 pages were very strong. I love the concept, the dialog was very funny, the visuals were very funny. Just didn't like from the classroom on. Too bad cus I was poised to score my first excellent. The ending didn't live up to the cleverness of the first few pages. I guess it depends on what other reviewers say, but if you get some similar feedback I'd come up with a different way to end it.

Michael Thede (Level 4)

Great originality and very funny! You've definitely introduced a new spin on the zombie genre here. Not a lot I can complain about after reading this. I think you missed a slugline after "Zombie Catholic 0" to signify a return to the present action, but other than that well done. I'm scoring you a VERY GOOD.

Paul Jaworsky (Level 4)

This was extremely bizarre and I love it! I would love to see this made into a short.
Your action lines were very good and nicely detailed. The story itself had a nice flow and I had no problem understanding what was happening. Didn't really see anything that needs to be changed and the formatting and grammar seem good. Nice one. Excellent!

Rich Keel (Level 4)

You really had me pulled in on this one. The whole story was really good until the last section. :) Seemed cheesy to me, but I don't know anything about happy endingds :)

N ice work and good luck.

Rustom Irani (Moderator)

LOL

Ah! The monthly Zombie fix.

You had an original concept and ran with it. But then you try and introduce the theme into the plot and it doesn't quite work for me.

I was engrossed by the fascinating setting you have the family in and wanted to know more about the Zombies and didn't care if the kids were sex deprived.

The squirrel, Romero (Great, great homage, cracked me up) scene was fantastically intertwined with the dialog.

With a title I was anticipating some Zombie on Zombie lovemaking but you chose to make the humans more interesting and I don't think it works quite well.

This has an "Addam's Family" vibe but the family seems normal enough. A re-write with a different conflict than the one you have and perhaps a hint at how the Zombie's came about will definitely make this a great script.

I would expand on this. Cool concept.

Like your style.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

Ohh another Zombie story. Wasn't sure I wanted to read it, I'm not a zombie fan. But this was very good! I liked the story, just a little fun, slice of 'Zombie' life. I'd like to see this made into a longer movie, there's so many possiblilities for this family.

Nice work, one of the lighter ones so far, and I enjoyed it.

Stephenie Ruffin (Level 4)

To be honest, when I saw the title I thought, oh boy a zombie script. I have to say to my surprise, I like this story. It was cute and the humor was fitting. I have to admit, I was expecting a little more from the ending. To me that's where the story kind of dies out. I think with a few more pages to work with, you have a winner. The descriptions were written well, the dialog was on point and the pacing was smooth. This was a very easy script to follow with good humor. (Very Good)

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

I like a good zombie story, and this had some interesting elements & nice comedic touches. Fell short of the mark, maybe if the comedy were more over-the-top or more drama in the kids argument w/Dad.

T. Joseph Fraser (Level 3)

Kudos to the Romero nod...Liked Mr. Henderson very much...Had some good zombie humor...Don't know where the blue-jewel mythology ever came into play, but it worked for this short...

Tom Shipley (Level 4)

The idea is funny, but I think the only time you really pay it off is when you show Maynard and Julie playing soccer and in the classroom respectively. And the set-up is pretty good with them not giving the zombies a second thought, but once they get home it becomes just too much talk and too much exposition through dialog.

If there was more stuff like Maynard on the soccer field, i think it would be a lot better. The end seemed a little rushed too. Giving it a Good.

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus)

I thought this was very good. It had the "Serial Mom" feel to it. I felt it was a tad slow at the beginning, but picked up nicely. Humorous and creative use of Zombies.

William D. Prystauk (Level 5)

Great stuff! Fun and a great twist on an old sub-genre. I'm not sure if George Romero would want to be a dog, but I know he'd have a laugh. Zombie Catholic? That's comedy, baby! All in all, a very fast read with a solid premise, great visuals and a kick ending. Excellent work!

William Dunbar (Level 5)

Hmm. Not really sure what to make of this one. Very different. I've decided I like it though. Good concept, and well developed in five pages. It could use a little clean-up work to make it clearer what's going on all the time, and some of the dialog seems a little unnatural. Good job, though. Oh, and I know the title had to have "sex" in it, but it doesn't seem to have anything to do with the script.
WD

Comments Made After the Contest

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 4/1/2008 9:08 AM

It seems like there is at least one zombie script each month and this was a great one.

Tommy Merry (Level 4) ~ 7/28/2009 2:28 AM

This is great, very funny stuff. If it could be produced on a minuscule budget I'd ask to direct it. But looks like it would take some $$ to make your vision come to the screen.

Nicely done!

Michael Berg (Level 3) ~ 1/21/2011 10:44 PM

Liked the story, fast read, could picture the action easily. Good use of descriptive action words, and relevant details about the characters that makes the reader think.

A couple points that stuck out at me, lots of commas for the characters speaking. Were they pausing often, or did you just like using commas on this one?

Got kinda thrown when the characters started including part of the previous characters dialogue in their own for setup or finish. Felt kinda stiff to me when they did it.

Enjoyed how the twins were more concerned on fulfilling those urges than worrying about zombies eating them.