Comments Made During the Contest

Aaron Kassander (Level 2)

One thing that attracts people to a story or even a movie is a well-written story. Yours has the markings of it, although I think it would better fit an episode of C.S.I. or something like that. Mickey can be better well developed in terms of physical appearance and dialogue in order for him to be a direct opposite of Jago. I must compliment you however on the inclusion of the poem and Ophelia. Using such works to represent what might have happened or even the feelings Jago was having at that moment was superb and excellently written. I must ask though and i'm not accusing you of anything i'm just curious, on if you wrote the poem yourself or if it's taken out of context.

Aimee Parrott (Level 4)

While I think the poem quoted is lovely, I'm afraid I don't really get the rest of this. So once he finds out she was a stripper, suddenly he's all steely-eyed and looking forward to sawing in to her? Does the fact that she was a stripper somehow make her less beautiful, or his reaction to her less valid? I'll come back and read it again.

I read this again, and I don't really have anything to add. I don't think the change in his demeanor worked -- maybe with some more set-up, that could be fixed.

Antonio Gangemi (Level 3)

I liked the banter between Micky and Jago. Sounded authentic.

Bob McFarlane (Level 3)

Nice contrasting characters. I felt a little illiterate with some of the unfamiliar (to me) references. But how did Mickey know she was a stripper since the tag didn't seem to give her name? Why would it give her occupation? Unless Mickey had seen her in action but I didn't catch any hint of that.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

What's Jago got against strippers?

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus)

Interesting story, really enjoyed the references to literature.

Some of your descriptions were a bit wordy and others worded a bit oddly, like, "As he sees the woman, Jago's intake of breath is sharp," you could easily replace all of this with something much shorter and to the point like moving it up to right after "Mickey reveals the body," and saying "Jago gasps!"
Another example, I enjoyed the visualization of the rocks falling from her pockets to the tile floor, but this could be shortened as well.

Still, good job, just needs a little tightening.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

I love the interaction between Jago and Mickey. Their dialogues is fantastic. The poem and dream are lovely. However, I feel like I am missing something at the end. The irony of her being a stripper and Jago's reaction to that information, left me a little confused.

Dino Barlaam (Level 3)

I just don't see how Jago could so easily fall for this dead woman, despite her beauty. I just didn't fall for it. Jago comes across so stuffy at first, hard to see him melt into a romantic within seconds...

some grammar issues but those can easily be fixed.

if a character is going to sing something as Mikey does, have the lyrics in his actual dialogue (perhaps in italics or in caps), not in the description.

Don Riemer (Level 4)

Nice idea, good setting, engaging scene introduction. But for me, it quickly fell apart. The characters are cliche; I didn't believe either one. Their dialogue rings false. If it were funny, this wouldn't matter, but the script never really becomes funny either. The Shakespeare references are interesting, but ultimately I think the script would have been stronger without them. They felt more like distractions than solid elements in the story. And I don't get the ending: what's ironic about a stripper drowning? And why does Jago find her profession suddenly repellent? (my Shakespeare knowledge is thin at best, so I may have missed a reference here.) And one minor point.... it looks like your script format inserted extra line spacing. Not recommended.

Ethelyn Boddy (Level 4)

I got in a long debate with myself about whether or not I liked his taking off his gloves. Did it, or did it not need that deviation from professionalism to project his feelings? It borders on giving a touch of perversion to his lapse into idealized passion. I’m a critic caught in minutia!

James Holiday (Level 2)

good characters, they were fun. dialogue was a lil tired, and the allusions were a tad 'dennis miller.' overall a good piece that could be part of much more. i liked it.

Jeremy Goodlander (Level 3)

I like this, the characters remind me of Somerset and Mills from "Seven". Really good pacing here as well, you reveal what you want at your pace and it works. The ending is very good, I think this would work really well on screen.

Julie Stewart (Level 3)

This had a head start for me - the title ! I played Ophelia once ...

I loved the interplay between Jago and Micky - it was nicely paced, realistic and displayed their personalities.

At first I was disappointed with the ending - I really recoiled against this girl having been a stripper. I was still thinking romantically - poor, mad Ophelia "incapable of her own distress" - but then I realised that your ending is genius. I responded to Micky's revelations in exactly the same way as Jago - like him I had projected my own associations onto this dead woman.

Bravo.

Kirk White (Level 5)

I like this. very well crafted. genuinely creepy. oddly disturbing. Thought the characters were well done. each with his own distinct way of speaking. At first I was a little put off by Jago's seemingly intentional over-verbosity (how's that!!)...it felt a bit labored. like reading from the cliche' super educated forensic pathologist manual or something. But that all changed with one word. "vivid" very nice moment. like peeking in on something I wasn't supposed to see. Then I realized that the verbosity is a mask so of course he's gonna work at keeping it up. but what a beautiful way to have the mask crack a bit. very nice resolution. nice job.

Kirsten Bischoff (Level 3)

Nice. I like the two settings and how different they are - the stark reality of the morgue and the outdoors that he imagines. I also really liked having the character of Mickey in there. It lent humor - and made the entire thing very real. It also gave more character depth to Jago. Nicely done.

Larry Basch (Level 3)

Another story where I have trouble believing the characters. Mickey is OK (though maybe a little over the top), but the doctor is hard to imagine as a real medical examiner. I would think that it's difficult to cut up dead people day after day and still remain a hopeless romantic. Especially one with such idyllic expectations that he would be turned off because she's a stripper.

Lee Carlisle (Level 4)

Well written, some very good descriptions. I didnt really buy the ending though - its a good concept with his perception of her changing when he hears the truth, but it happens on a dime and he goes from a philosophical poem quoting state to something more froma slasher movie in about 10 seconds - didnt really work for me. A little to extreme for my tastes, I think it would work really nice in an understated fashion though.

Liz Messineo (Level 4)

There's a nice contrast of characters between Jago & Micky. I also like Jago's pomposity and how it affects his judgment. We may need a little more time at the end to process his revulsion and change his attitude about his current project.

Martin Lancaster (Level 4)

Well written, good visuals, dialogue, distinct characters, atmosphere, but the story didn't quite work for me. It felt like I should've been surprised or shocked by the final revelation but I wasn't. The dialogue is your strong suit here, I think.

Matthew Phillips (Level 4)

Great dialog. The daydream added a lot of depth to the script. It's hard for me to find a way to improve much on this. All in all a great script.

I just read this again and liked it even more. This is a great script. Both characters are real to me. This is my favorite of all the scripts.

Michael Cornetto (Level 5)

Different. I liked it.

Michael Thede (Level 4)

I liked how the body inspired two very different responses in Jago and Mickey. It was also interesting at the very end when Jago recoils upon hearing she was stripper (that this fact perhaps tainted his perfect image of her). I'm not sure I get the ironic part of it though? Is it ironic that she was a stripper and that now she's lying naked on the autopsy table?

Nick Sidorovich (Level 3)

Nice dialogue. Interesting reactions of the characters. Good change at the end. A literary autopsy - kind of like judging a script! Try as we might to be objective, we all bring our biases to bear, don't we?

Pia Cook (Level 5)

Nicely written story.

A little creepy with Jago and the corpse, but that's good. :-)

I can't say I cared for either Micky or Jago though. Mickey was plain annoying and I liked Jago until the end. I guess his beautiful vision of the woman went away when he found out she was a stripper, but that changed him to a point where I didn't like him anymore. It was such a sudden and brutal change. I wasn't ready for it.

Still, good story and well written. I just would've liked to see a different ending.

Rich Keel (Level 4)

I liked it. The one gent was gentting on my nerves but i liked how the doc was aware of his loose tough and pointed it out to him. Also a buddy of mine is like that so its good to see other people see this as well. :)

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

Curious title. I liked the Micky/Jago contrast and I enjoyed their easy banter. A few typos and format problems aside, my main problem was the ending. It was way too abrupt and cold. The way that Jago fires up the saw after such a prolonged fantasy and rapture (that I liked very much by the way) seemed sudden and forced. Jago clearly takes Micky with a grain of salt and I felt it was too much of a switch for him to suddenly charge his attitude so quickly based on one off-handed comment from him. It seemed maybe this was a piece of a larger script and one worth pursuing outside of the page restrictions. You clearly have something here, it just needs some refining, especially on the tail end.

Rustom Irani (Moderator)

Excellent characters and a great title made this a refreshing read on the theme.

I love the fact that it is Mickey who inadvertently corrects Jago's misconception when all the while Jago went about looking down at Mickey's crude use of language and lack of refinement.

The setting is perfect for both characters and I can imagine them dealing with all types of deaths and playing verbal hockey back and forth.

Technically the bit where Mickey leaves the room singing could be used in dialog as Mickey leaves and

Mickey (singing)
“If I said you had a beautiful body,
would you hold it against me?”

Also would many people be familiar with "The idyllic scene of John Everett Millais’s painting of Ophelia" ?

I was not. Me and art don't get on well together kinda like Jago and Mickey. So I googled it. Nice imagery.

It might work for some, maybe not for others. But it establishes Jago's character, so it works for me.

All the best.

SJ Neff (Level 1)

Very good, I thought. Almost sublime. I would've preferred a more subtle tone at both the end and beginning (especially the ending, I would've preferred more subtle action). I think it would've elevated the overall poetry of the script.

Spencer McDonald (Level 4)

Overall, your script was magical. I liked the bit of sarcasim you put into your character. The ending was a bit confusing for me however. Still not sure how a stripper is ironic.

Spencer

Wes Worthing (Level 5)

I enjoyed the contrast of these two characters: one being a literary and artistic appreciative, and the other a vulgar, tactless gint. The contrast is also evident in Doc's fantasy of the victim and the reality of her career. How does Micky know that she is a stripper? This is my only question to this poetic story. Thanks.

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus)

I didn't understand this script. Other than having a dead stripper, who died like Virginia Woolf, what was the purpose? Did Jago want a mermaid or is he simply crazy? Did Jago kill this stripper?

Micky is not a likable character - and that's fine. You don't need to be likable. But I also found him to be stock and uninteresting. His vernacular stuck out and why would Jago put up with this kind of language?

The daydream sequence was well done and interesting, but I just didn't know what you were doing with all this.

William Coleman (Level 5)

The idea of a "literary" coroner struck me as quite original. I wish you had been a little more inventive in icky's profanity - more of "I wouldn't crawl over her to get to my wife" and less fuckin' this and fuckin' that - or variations on the "f" word. Micky has to be profane to get a contrast between him and Jago. The use of the famous painting and Gertrude's lament is touching and has an odd beauty within this context. Thenn comes the disillusion - an irony in itself. Jago wishes the corpse had a more romantic life?

Comments Made After the Contest

Rick Hansberry (Moderator) ~ 6/1/2007 6:52 AM

Caroline, Congrats on the very favorable remarks to your script. I enjoyed it alot and I hope you'll keep us posted if you decide to expand it. Great job!

Matthew Phillips (Level 4) ~ 6/1/2007 8:53 AM

Caroline, this script was my favorite of all the submissions, I really thought you'd win. The references are excellent and the characters are fully realized, great job.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus) ~ 6/1/2007 9:45 AM

Thank you Rick, and thank you so much Matthew! I knew it was a gamble...

For those wondering about the quotation - it wasn't a poem, it was from Hamlet ('There is a willow grows aslant a brook' speech by Queen Gertrude when telling Laertes that Ophelia is drowned)

For those who were wondering about the irony - the irony, to me, was that a stripper spends her life naked and being stared at by men, and now, in death, she is naked and being stared at by men.

The great thing for me is that a director is already interested in it - but I know from long experience that interest is a million miles away from something actually making it to the screen!

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 6/1/2007 11:50 AM

As I said in my review, your dialogue and characters are fantastic. You have such a strong unique voice.

Regarding the ending, the line that threw me, was this:

"Jago recoils. He takes a rapid step away from the woman."

I was surprised by his reaction. I think it could work, but as it is now, I just didn't see it coming in his character.

I wish you the best with getting this made, I would love to see it.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus) ~ 6/1/2007 11:53 AM

Thanks Chris. I'll look at that. So would I love to see it made. In fact I'd love to see ANYTHING of mine made!

Wes Worthing (Level 5) ~ 6/2/2007 9:37 AM

As I look through each writer's work on this site, I realize that I am a Caroline Coxon fan. I would love to see your stories on film, and if I was someone important I would produce them myself. The thought of setting down and watching an hour and a half of Coxon short films is very exciting. If it ever happens, let me know, I'll be the first in line to buy a copy. Wes

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus) ~ 6/2/2007 10:43 AM

Thank you so much for saying that Wes. (Although please don't say stuff like 'if I was someone important' because you are important)

I keep telling myself 'One day...' Just need to find the person with the vision and the money!

Wes Worthing (Level 5) ~ 6/2/2007 12:50 PM

Oh and by the way, if you heard sounds outside your window last night, it wasn't me. I'm not the kind to stalk someone...again :)

Wes Worthing (Level 5) ~ 6/2/2007 12:51 PM

Oh and by the way, if you heard sounds outside your window last night, it wasn't me. I'm not the kind to stalk someone...again :)

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus) ~ 6/2/2007 2:26 PM

Twice?!