Comments Made During the Contest

A.M. Wallace (Level 0)

Good story. You do a good job of setting the ending up. Good dialog. You have a couple of typos that need to be fixed.

Ali Barr (Level 4)

That was a lot of characters to try to keep track of in five pages. Perhaps you could combine some of them into one? It would allow you to select a clear protagonist and antagonist. It's good to use a surprise reveal at the end but you might want to include a couple foreshadowing statements or images so the surprise jumps out more.

See if you can isolate the main threads of the story and get to it sooner so you can develop it more. More focus on Dylan and Allison, less time spent on the other characters. Help me know them and help me know that they are the ones to watch because more is written for them. They have to share the screen with other kids, a dog, a woman, a car and I didn't know who mattered until page 4.

This can be even more powerful. You are on to a good story. I would just isolate the specifics and develop those more.

Audrey Webb (Level 5)

I had trouble with the time lapse between seeing Dylan and when he was noticed to be missing. I think one more scene between the time we see Dylan and the scene in Jamba Juice would be a big help. I hadn't got the sense that hours had passed.

Austin Bennett (Level 4)

Started out really well, but then went to crap. Allison's name isn't capitalized, and she's the first one introduced.

No real story. A bunch of annoying teens and a missing kid. There's no conflict.

I don't know if it's written or just my intellect, but I've read it three times now and I still don't know what happens. I can't tell you who the characters are. I can't tell you what happens.

Maybe if you described Brock and Allison as twins. Not identical, but being twins, they'd at least look alike.

Are they at Jamba Juice on the same day? What teen goes to the movies during the day? I never did.

You don't do a good job at setting the scene. Where's everyone sitting? Is it crowded? Is it noisy? I don't think I've ever been inside a quiet Jamba Juice.

After I muddled through the mess, I finally found the story. It's a good idea, but badly executed. Your characters are annoying. None of them are developed.

You need to practice how to write for the movies. Write visually. Buy a thesaurus. Use words that spark. Showing the girl bounce out of the theater was the best thing in the entire script.

Bill Delehanty (Level 4)

Takes way too long to get to way the story is really about. The color of iPod angle should have played a bigger part if that the give away. Good descriptions and all about teen life.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

This was very well written, but I couldn't help but feel a little bit let down by the ending. It wasn't entirely predictable, but it just didn't feel like it added up. Are we to assume that Andrew killed Dylan to steal his iPod & concert tickets? If that was what you were going for, I got it, but like I said, it just didn't feel believable. If that wasn't what you were going for, then color me utterly confused.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

I'm afraid I got very confused with the Brock/Allison twin thing. Were they speaking simultaneously? Was there any significance to the plot that they were twins? It seemed important at first but then it didn't go anywhere so to me it was unnecessary.

The character that really came to life for me was Andrew. The others all seemed very one-dimensional.

Lucky not to get DQd for that woman with the stroller. Be very careful to follow the rules of the contests or you'll be disappointed!

I think perhaps you spent too much time on teenage chat (which was credible, but it didn't further the plot)

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus)

Thought you did a very good job with this, suspensful, kept my interest. Well written for the most part though I think some of the dialogue in the beginning was a bit forced and for some reason it was hard for me to decide at first which of the girls was Brock's sister (seemed like you messed it up, but on re-reading guess you didn't, but was still confusing).
Anyway, liked your story, overall thought it was very good.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

This was a bit confusing the first time through and honestly, I had to read this twice to feel like I got it all.

Still, I thought you did a good job with the characters and the teen dialogue (not an easy task).

However, I still felt a little lost at the end, but perhaps that is what you were aiming for, I'm just not sure.

Dan Lennox (Level 5)

This was really good!

I thought everything was very tight and well thought out. I really enjoyed how you wrapped up the ending with Andrew having Dylan's IPod. The audience is left to decide for themselves what they think happened. Also, grate use of sub-text throught the story, especially with regards to Andrew.

This could make a good short film. Nice job.

David D. DeBord (Level 5)

Too easy to get lost in this script. I couldn’t remember any of the kids’ names and more importantly, who they were in the story. Distinctive characters need something that separates them from the other characters. Difficult I know in a short script but possible.

Unfortunately, as the characters all meld into one mass, their individual stories all blend. Which one is which, who goes with who, what’s going on?

Great potential with the story, but the script just didn’t work for me.

Glenn Mercer (Level 2)

Are you saying that Andrew killed his brother out of jealousy of Allison's affection toward Dylan? I don't know I just didn't buy it...your storytelling was pretty good as far as description and dialogue but your story choices were slightly off base for my taste. The Save the Cat moment of Dylan being involved with the Special Olympics was a bit obvious, at first I thought Allison was giving Dylan a burn, as if he's trying out for them but then I quickly realized you were using that as a device to show how great of a guy he is...I think something not as grand would have been more impactful. I also don't think you setup Andrew's disdain for his brother's popularity enough to warrant his murder...all for an ipod and some concert tickets, BUT I do think you did a great job at setting up the world of teenagers with their lingo and favorite hang outs. I really liked the retort to the Horton Hears a Who comment...witty and it instantaneously let us know who Allison is. You should try a rewrite of this with a better mystery or at least a better conclusion to the mystery. Also I think you missed a great oppurtunity for Dylan to be out riding his skateboard on a dark road at night as he's approached by his killer, I know you're under a page constraint but that image with his ipod blaring Beyond Therapy as the car approaches Dylan with its headlights off, could be an interesting visual for this piece. Good Luck!

Jay Arnold (Level 1)

It was hard to follow the character relationships. The "twins" info came a little late. Also, the ipod black sticker wasn't planted early in the script so it didn't have much of an impact when the twist came.

John LaBonney (Level 4)

I really like the story. I'm not sure the scene where they visit the crime scene is really necessary. I think the dialog could use a little tweaking, but it's not bad. There's a WOMAN in the script, which without clarification would seem to indicate she's past her teen years.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

Yikes. Creepy story. There was something that just felt a little off for me though. It might have been the way the kids were introduced...and not revealing till page two that Allison and Brock were twins. I don't know. And I don't think it was obvious enough that Andrew was stalking or interested in Allison. That point was vague. Maybe if she sees the car and says something to Jessica like that's the car that followed me home from school...that way we see a deeper obsession and makes Andrew murdering his brother more believable.

Matias Caruso (Level 5)

I felt a little bit overwhelmed by the big amount of characters introduced just in the first page. That’s quite a lot, and the reader could have a hard time remembering which is which (especially in a script where characters are all teens).

One of these teens disappears – interesting angle. It’s a pity that this event happens off-screen, since it’s the plot point that carries more dramatic weight.

There was quite a lot of trivial chat between these teens. Perhaps, to turn up the conflict, you could focus a bit more on what exactly happened to the missing kid, and why.

Coming up with a great ending is so hard, since you have to set it up, but also conceal it, for it to be a surprise. Since Andrew looked like the black sheep from the moment his was introduced to the reader, the reveal at the end wasn’t much of a surprise. Perhaps you could use some false suspects, red herrings, etc, and work on a bit more upon the who dunnit angle.

Michael Cornetto (Level 5)

I thought you captured teenagers quite well. I'm not sure what the point of the script was, I think it went over my head, but I think you did a GOOD job writing it.

Michael Thede (Level 4)

I liked how this came full circle at the end and, if I'm not mistaken, I get that Andrew killed his brother, but for what? Did he just kill him for a couple of concert tickets? That doesn't feel to me like satisfactory motivation for a killing, especially to kill one's own sibling. Was there supposed to be anything significant about the fact that Brock and Allison are twins? I'm not so sure it contributes anything significant to the piece. You've got the right idea for a story here, but the motivation has been stretched and unnecessary details could be eliminated to tighten it up.

Pia Cook (Level 5)

This was okay.

I think the strongest part of this script was the dialogue.
The story was okay. A few things that caught me was, "DYLAN (17) a teen Rock Star".. At first I really liked that description, but I didn't see anything rock star'ish in his behavior... In fact he doesn't say much and he's shy too.

Why would Andrew kill (I assume) Dylan?

Also think that if you want us to notice the "black sticker" on the iPod you should have mentioned it earlier so we could recognize it and be shocked in the end and not needing to be told we should be.

Anyway, story was okay, dialogue was the strongest part. My vote: GOOD

Rich Keel (Level 4)

I really liked the pacing of this but the ending was a little lackluster. Seemed to abrupt. You did a great job of writing and keeping me in until the end.

Ross Morrison (Level 2)

"Hear this, MORON!" Ha, nice line. I got a little mixed up with the characters and motivations, and at first I thought Beyond Therapy was the title of the movie (could be in my head.) I think this has chops and could be expanded into a larger screenplay.

Rustom Irani (Moderator)

For a five page script you have a lot of characters introduced on page one itself. For a reader and even the audience watching the film it can be a bit of a chore to figure out who's who and especially if no character in particular stands out then you can lose the attention quickly.

So, were Andrew and Dylan twins as well? And Andrew is dead right? Dylan being alive is the twist?

See in a good plot you don't reach the conclusion, no matter how surprising it is. The audience is more concerned with the events that lead to this surprise ending. I mean "The Sixth Sense" had a great twist, but wasn't it fun to see that in a 2 hour film. That whole process was intriguing and made even more so by the twist.

In your case you just have events occurring and the characters haven't taken any part in them. Things just happen to them. So, I didn't care if Dylan was alive and Andrew was dead. I want to know why?

Also since you never showed the back sticker earlier in the script your clue seems like plain exposition and more attention grabbing and forced.

You write great characters and your descriptions and dialog were fine. But the plot lacks clear motivations and something to tie the scenes together. Dylan's death does that, but it's never explained.

A re-write with fewer characters and a concise reason behind the Dylan/Andrew switch, will make this a great script.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

Interesting story. I think it's good. We are left wondering about a few things. It's not clear that Dylan is Andrew's brother at first. It would be nice to know that. Then there would be a little foreshadowing of what is to come.
I wasn't quite sure why he did away with Dylan, jealousy? Allison is only 16 so it wouldn't be over her. He's nineteen.

So this leaves some questions at the end. Are they going to rat on Andrew? Did he kill his brother, and why?

Spencer McDonald (Level 4)

In my opinion, the story did not have much substance. Some tension and it was mild at best. The dialogue on the other hand was very well done for the characters age. To improve this story, I might give the story more of an arc or jolt of some kind. You did a great job with character description.

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

Sinister & creepy, liked that. Except I'm not entirely sure I got it. The dialog and teens came across as natural, but I'd like to have seen more differentiation between the characters. Andrew was the only one that really stood out.

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus)

Brotherly love.

I think this story has to center around Allison, Andrew and Dylan. More importantly, Andrew. From an angry toss of a cigarette butt to a stare at Allison, he kills his brother. That's a pretty big leap.

Maybe it's a longer story?

William Dunbar (Level 5)

This was pretty good. You managed to fit a full story into the five pages really well, which is not so easy to do. It's a little predictable, but overall very good.
WD

Comments Made After the Contest

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus) ~ 5/1/2008 5:53 PM

A very good from me Dawn, thought it was great.

Dawn Calvin (Level 5) ~ 5/1/2008 6:53 PM

Thanks Charlie. It was fun. The challenges have been very challenging for me lately. ;-)

Writing scripts in 5 pages or less takes a special talent. Maybe I don't have the economics of lingo! I need more time and space to flesh it out.

Just a thought. Thanks again!