Comments Made During the Contest

A.M. Wallace (Level 0)

An interesting story. I don't get the motivation of Anthony. So, he's mad at Matthew because they aren't going to the dance together and he outs Matthew to the school bullies then stays around to watch the ambulance knowing that he's now outted as well? His sister obviously doesn't know so this is how he wants her to find out? It doesn't work for me. Maybe some more backstory would help. Also, it's better to ban verbs ending in "ing". They slow down the story. It's better to use active verbs. They move the story forward and make for an easier read. Instead of "are sitting" and "playing" try "sit" and "play".

Austin Bennett (Level 4)

Wow. This is great as it is, but it could've been so much better if you expanded it. Show us the relationship first, and then maybe how Anthony's actions change that after the dance.

I'm curious to know who wrote this.

Bill Delehanty (Level 4)

Liked the prom scenario, as it is that time of year. Felt like it ended kinda quickly, but the interaction between the couple and all the characters were easy to read.

Brad Huffman Parent (Level 4)

The beginning was a little hard to read. You have those really short scenes where it's Scene Heading then one Action line then on to the next scene heading and it felt choppy. It's not really necessary to go from outside the house to inside the house. Start inside the house, she comes in, goes downstairs, and it'll read a lot smoother. I really like where it goes from there though. I didn't see that coming from the start, and it was nice twist on the typical high school dance scenario.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

This was written well and took a nice twist towards the ending, but I have the same issue with the script that I had with another one (albeit to a far lesser extent)... If a 3 on 1 fight breaks out at a high school dance, 9 times out of 10 a parent, teacher, chaperone or someone generally steps in and breaks it up. The fact that you cut away from that scene very quickly downplayed that significantly so kudos for that. Nice job.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

It was a moving idea for a story.

Some things made it miss out a bit, It started off as Susan's story, then it changed to being Matthew and Anthony's.

I would have liked to see more of a resolution - maybe Susan undersatnding the situation? As it was it ended a bit weakly for the way you'd cleverly set up the story.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

This was great.

There is so much going on here, so many layers, so much wonderful subtext.

My only suggestion, the ending feels a little bit rushed to me. It feels like there are a few beats missing here. In particular, a moment between Susan and Anthony. How much did she know and how much does she now realize? I don't think you need any more dialogue, but I want to feel that connection. I hope that makes sense.

I really hope I get to read a rewrite of this.

Dan Lennox (Level 5)

Well done. Very provocative and well written with a good ending. I really like the subtle twist at the end where I'm assuming that Matthew was actually NOT gay, but Anthony was. Didn't see that coming.

Good job.

David D. DeBord (Level 5)

Social commentary always is an appropriate message within a script.

I would change a number of verbs to active tense and I think the action lines could use a good edit. Dialog is good, not over done.

A bit more story development would help. The three thugs are rather flat as characters, but that’s a minor concern.

I think this is a good script, good story.

Dawn Calvin (Level 5)

Well written story with a good twist at the end. A poinant subject matter worth reading. Sharp dialogue.

Deborah Mack (Level 3)

I thought that this one was okay but I didn’t get the point of the story. Was he jealous or just trying to protect his sister? I thought the story was a little simple and kind of predictable; I kept expecting some kind of big unexpected twist at the end, but it turned out as expected. Now, the dialog and action I thought was pretty good. I could see everything clearly in my head and the dialog was smooth and believable. :-)

Don Riemer (Level 4)

Excellent work, really. High marks on all particulars.
Two minor negatives.... the mention of Susan's "heavy back pack" made me think this was significant in some way, but it never paid off. And the scene with Matthew getting his picture taken felt unnatural without some mention or presence of his parents, at least as off camera voices. I realize the nature of this contest prevented you from including the parents, but maybe you should have just cut the scene.
But overall, this is first rate. Really nice job.

Jane Beckwith (Level 4)

This was an excellent read. Every motivation is crystal clear, and the dialogue is elegantly sparse. The story rang true. It was poignant but without sentimental sugar-coating. A note re the action - please just let things happen; they don't need to start to happen ("starts to cry", starts running"). Also, "is standing" could be placed with a crisper "stands".

John LaBonney (Level 4)

Ah, the great unexplained that is short film. Can't you just smell it? I love it when a writer doesn't try to explain everything and leaves an audience wondering. Why didn't Andrew object stronger to Matthew taking his sister to the prom? Why did Matthew do it? Was he angry at Andrew or has he discovered over time that he's not gay and his relationship with Andrew was "experimental"? Who knows?

When you're trimming down a story to the bare essentials, and you do it properly, you get these moments in the story where the audience either has to wonder about certain small details or accepts the facts on their face.


I'm not in love with the title, but nice work.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

Wow...wasn't expecting that twist. Good concept. The ending is a bit harsh though. They were together a year and because Matthew's not ready to "come out", Anthony throws him to the wolves? If Anthony knew those guys would have that reaction and beat the crap our of Matthew, what would have happened to the both of them if they went together? Just wasn't satisfied with the ending. It didn't match up to the feeling I had up until that point.

Matias Caruso (Level 5)

I think that it took you a bit too long to introduce the main conflict. It’s at the beginning of page 4 where we learn that Matthew actually betrayed his friend. I think you need to introduce the conflict earlier. Page 4 is a little too late for a 5 page script. This story ends right after the conflict is introduced.

There are bad things happening to characters here, that’s interesting. But the story lies in the characters’ attempts to overcome their problems. If the story ends right after the conflict is introduced, we cannot see how your characters deal with their problems, and there is no story.

Micah Ricke (Level 4)

I liked this. However, I think you need a to flesh it out just a bit more. Many of the details you include are unneeded. Such as "The horn honks twice", and many of the parenthicals: (joking), (to Susan), etc. Eliminating some of these will free up space and improve the flow of the script.

Michael Thede (Level 4)

I like how you built on something that at first seemed like just a minor irritation to Anthony, but which we then find out actually has something much more behind it. On the other hand, it feels like it wraps up very quickly and there's never any moment of confrontation or even reconciliation between the two boys.

Pia Cook (Level 5)

I guess my vote on this one will be GOOD. A good- however. I thought you wrote this pretty well, but what ruined it for me was the ending. I didn't really get it at all.

Was he gay or not? Either way, why did they leave him behind?

I think a clarification of the plot would elevate this script tremendously...

Right now, it just left me feel, what?....

Rich Keel (Level 4)

I loved the part where Anthony calls his lover, that caught me way off guard. Nice! But after that I couldn't comprehend why he would tell these guys just so the beat the living crap out of the person he loves, seems to Evil and unbeleivable to me.

Nice read though...very easy to get through and kept me reading until the end. good luck to you.

Ross Morrison (Level 2)

Not bad at all. Interesting examination of closeted behavior. Maybe a few more cues as to the nature of the relationship of the two guys?

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

Very strong script. Tells a good solid story which pulled me in totally, once I figured out what was going on.

Good dialogue, images and pacing. Nothing much to really say, except I'll remember this one for a long time.

Nice.

Spencer McDonald (Level 4)

Very good writing. The story, in my opinion, was a bit discombobulated. As a few examples, the feel started off as more of a comedy and end up being revenge. The overall story arc was there and the character arc was missing. Then at the end you you have the two running off to a car. Wouldn't she fight more to stay at the prom, especially because her date was getting pummeled. And, the ambulance seemed to show up almost immediately. Seems the time frame was crunched. My thoughts are, with the ability to lengthen this story out it will flow better. Very good job.

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

This was a great story, an interesting love-triangle, jealous rage. Believable and real characters. The dialog was good, very natural teen language, awkward silence whatever cool ;-)

I gave this a Very Good and might have gone Excellent except 18 scene transitions is bit much for 5 pages doncha think? Lose all the establishing shots where nothing happens, all that just slows down the action of an otherwise well written piece. Many of these transitions can be condensed or eliminated, for example the trudging to the house & anybody home right up front is irrelevant, why not just start in the basement & get to know the boys w/anybody home OS and then cut right to the prom afterwards? It would have made the set-up stronger.

I had mixed feelings about the phone call at first, I regard the phone in a script a cop-out - but for teenagers it was believable and was working. At that point, I guessed about the gay angle.

These are nitpicks, overall, this script was nicely done.

Tom Peterson (Level 3)

Not a bad story. The characters seem a little stilted. I couldn't quite figure out why Anthony would go to the dance as the third wheel, especially with his sister as one of the other two. If it had been a larger group it could work. Also, the public beating seems unlikely.

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus)

I really loved the beginning, but the story took a different turn and felt too disjointed and without a concise idea.

Susan was excited.
Anthony was not.
Matthew was obviously interested in Susan.

I think the story with these three is enough to build around. The bullies and having Matthew beaten up brings in another conflict that I don't particularly care for -- having his best friend as his sister to the prom is plenty conflict.

William Dunbar (Level 5)

Really good. Plausible and meaningful. You really told a full story in five pages. Good job.
WD

Comments Made After the Contest

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 5/1/2008 8:56 AM

Wonderful script. I really like the way you write and this is my favorite script of yours so far. As I said in my review, I love all the layers and subtext in this story. This was one of my favorites this month.