Comments Made During the Contest

A.M. Wallace (Level 0)

I think I'm missing something because I don't get it. Does Ashley want Laura under her spell because she just wants numbers? What does Laura bring to Ashley? People like Ashley usually enjoy their supremecy by putting people down not bringing them up so if you are going against type, you need to show motivation. You have typos. Your title on MP doesn't match the title on your title page.

Audrey Webb (Level 5)

I'm not sure what happened here...are Jason and Ashley plotting?

This could be an interesting concept...that for whatever reason, the jocks and pretty girls band together to protect the ugly duckling. We'd just need to know the why, which isn't in your screenplay.

Austin Bennett (Level 4)

Is it Peer Support or Teen Support?

Either way, there's not much there. You should've fleshed this out more and make the characters more than cardboard.

Your first slugline doesn't say have CAFETERIA. They eat lunch in the cafeteria, right? INT. SCHOOL tells us nothing.

What little writing there was was just okay. It's all a little boring.

Bill Delehanty (Level 4)

Short and sweet, I mean short and mean. Sadly this is probably a true story somewhere. I hope not yours though. Good 'Mean Girls' vibe with the snobby characters. I do wish it was a tad longer though...

Brad Huffman Parent (Level 4)

First, your title page is different than the title listed here on MP. Once again, a set up with no real ending. I've seen a few of those this month. It's only a page and half long, you had plenty of time to take this somewhere. It's a page of set up, then a twist. There's no story, no substance. I don't want to sound harsh, but it seems like there was absolutely no effort put into this. This could have been written in 5 minutes, and it's lmost an insult to some of the talented writers here who put so much time into submitting the best they can every month.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

Two different titles added a little confusion before I ever even started reading. I thought I liked where this one was heading until I got there and realized it was lacking in any sort of climax. We've got a girl getting picked on, two popular kids standing up for her, then we find out she's on the cheerleading squad, but the popular girl that stood up for her has more sinister motivation. It just kind of seems like an incomplete story to me.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

I think this could have gone on longer so that we could see the results of Ashley's devious plans. All the way through she was supporting Laura then at the last minute it became clear she wasn't after all, but there was nothing to show that apart from her words.So big build up, ending in one sentence!

Some of the dialogue was a bit on the nose (things were explained - like Laura saying she wasn't liked, for example. That didn't need to be said.)

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus)

Not sure how to take the ending.
The story itself seemed a little rushed and unreal. Don't think teenagers use the word, "mug".
Writing is fine, but think the story could use some work.

Good luck.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

Something is missing here.

This story is so short and ends abruptly, I can't help but wonder if some pages got lost.

I'm dying to find out why Ashley and Jason are being nice to Laura, but it isn't in the story.

If there is a longer version, I hope you post it.

Dan Lennox (Level 5)

Ahhh, the plastics... Reminds me a little of Mean Girls. I thought you started off well, establishing your characters, but was surprised to see everthing end so quickly 2/3 the way down page two. I was left with Ashley revealing her true intentions towards Laura, the makings of a pretty good story, but thats it. What you have here is a beginning, the start of a middle, but no ending. I would think that Ashely's last lines would be a good first plot point that could move your story into the second act (yes, I believe that even a 5 page script has 3 acts,[Syd Field's "Screenplay"]).

If I missed the point of what you were trying to convey, I apologize. I think you were off to a good start that just fizzled out.

David D. DeBord (Level 5)

A script well short of a story. It was a bit clunky getting to the last piece of Ashley dialog but I thought something was starting with her comment. But rather than starting the story conflict, that was it. Done.

It’s a page and a half. It’s seriously possible to tell a compelling story in that length. It just didn’t happen here.

Dawn Calvin (Level 5)

I am not sure I understand why Ashley and Jason were nice to Laura, it didn't really solve for me. I think it had more work to be done, but so far, the dialogue was really good.

Don Riemer (Level 4)

Nice setup, but the story doesn't really go anywhere.
Dialogue is a bit flat.
If Ashley is secretly just out for herself (and therefore, probably harboring dark intentions toward Laura) then why does she intercede on Laura's behalf in the lunchroom? What does she have to gain by being nice? If there's a hidden agenda, we need to understand it better.
Overall, it feels like the first few pages of a longer movie, and not a cohesive short script.

John LaBonney (Level 4)

It seems that this script is lacking conflict. The girl is unpopular, but is protected by the leader of the cheerleaders. The whole story is about the mystery of why the leader protects her, and we find out its because she's a member of the squad. Not really earth-shattering.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

I don't mean to be rude but that made absolutely no sense.

Micah Ricke (Level 4)

What?! There's no story! You've set us up and then nothing! I'm so upset I'm going to end every sentence with an exclamation point! You have two whole pages left! Use them for crying out ugly! You're a tease!

Michael Cornetto (Level 5)

I thought this was a good portrait. I think you were trying to tell a story but I'm a bit confused at what the story was about. There was no transformation of any character - maybe one implied in the future but you would need an epilogue to convey that. I'm going to have to give you a FAIR on this because it really felt like it was a small scene in a much larger film.

Michael Thede (Level 4)

I like the devious twist at the end. I'm guessing all of this has been part of a big conspiracy to lure Laura into thinking that she's cool and build her confidence, only to bring her down at some point in the future. High school can be a cruel, cruel world. I do wonder if the second incident involving the boy is really necessary. Does it demonstrate anything that the insult the girl throws at Laura at the beginning doesn't already or is it just redundant? Nevertheless, good job.

Pia Cook (Level 5)

Hmmm....

Not sure about this. I don't think it was a complete story. You should probably have used up some more of the pages available to you instead of just writing 1.5 pages. I didn't really see any character development at all. Ugly girl is teased by mean kids. Taken under the wing of the gorgeous cheerleader only because she made the team...

I felt this was more of a scene from something bigger rather than a story that stood on its own.

Writing was fine though, but I still don't think I can vote higher than FAIR on this. Sorry...

Rustom Irani (Moderator)

Firstly, your title here does not match your script. You might wanna change that ;P

The script is essentially a two page set-up. I feel there is a lot of potential here as you establish a lead and an antagonist quite distinctly. However there isn't much in the sense of a plot as far as action goes.

Laura just happens to be in the situation, more like a prop. None of her actions seem to suggest that she is responsible for being in her situations. So, why would the audience care either way? Things happen to her rather than being done by her. Her transition to the cheering squad also seems more like a plot point, but there isn't any clue how it happened.

Ashley however, is too good a character to waste and therefore the story needs to be expanded even if it is for another 5-8 pages. Her punchline at the end seems like there's more to this story than you might have room for, so why don't you give us more in a re-write.

The dialog's were good and hinted at some back-story very well. Nicely done.

Technically you were fine.

Please re-write this. Keep writing.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

Almost there. I would have taken the extra pages and used them to complete this. As it is, it's pretty straightforward. The twist at the end is good. But the rest of the story doesn't really have much of a punch.

Spencer McDonald (Level 4)

An excellent start to a promising story. My trouble was that it ended abrubtly. Would like to have read more.

So you set us up with an unattractive girl with out much explanation. Here is your description: "LAURA FREELY, 17, a little less than attractive, plainly dressed with ratty hair." In my opinion, you should share with us more her mental state to go with the ratty hair. On the flip side of that the description of ASHELY should counter that of Laura. Then we can see two complete opposite and have the stage set for conflict.

Stefan Haynes (Level 2)

Interesting start. You have a strong grasp of your lead. However, the script fails to excite... as much as I hate to say this, it's a little TOO short. Keep working on it, flesh out the story more, and you'll have a winner.

Stephen Brown (Level 5)

Hi, I didn't notice a story in this. Nothing happens at all, unless it just went over my head. It seems like it's the middle of a story or the start. Nothing changes and nothing is hinted at getting changed.
You had another 2 pages left of the limit, you should have used that in order for something to happen.

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

Ashley was an interesting character and the high school scenarios were believable, but it didn't pay out for me. It feels unfinished, like Ashley had some devious plot but I missed the point?

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus)

I wasn't really sure where you were going with Ashley. "...devious smile". Why a devisous smile? Are you foreshadowing something happening to Laura? Or is she really about "Teen Support"?

Wasn't sure how to exactly take this. It was unclear to me.

William Dunbar (Level 5)

Just too sloppy. And such a lazy, uninspired story. Keep trying.
WD

Comments Made After the Contest

Stephenie Ruffin (Level 4) ~ 5/31/2008 8:09 PM

Sorry about that guys, I submitted the wrong script. To make matters worse, I actually deleted the script I was to submit. To be honest, I'm surprised I actually received votes of good review.