Comments Made During the Contest

Aaron Williams (Level 3)

I liked the pace of this. Kept you moving, guessing. The flashbacks were a bit confusing-- and the motivations, perhaps. I think in such a short piece there are two major revelations- he has cancer and he kills his wife's lover-- might be stronger with just one.

Adam Grage (Level 4)

Didn't really understand what is happening in the story. I'm guessing Tom is suspecting his wife is having an affair so he shoots who he thinks is the guy but he's at the wrong address. Or is he a hit man since he is counting the money in the truck? I tried reading it again and am still lost. But the whole cancer thing just kinda pops up at the end. Kinda depressing and not really sure how it plays with the rest of the story.

Ali Barr (Level 4)

I just needed more information on this one. Your individual scenes were good and easy to follow but they didn't mesh together into one story. Also, too many characters in so few pages. Can you double any of them up? Your minor characters don't need names.

Audrey Webb (Level 4)

You have a good sense of drama. I think it's an interesting plot point that Tom killed someone at the wrong house. But I'm not sure how it all fits in within the context of the movie. That is, I'm not sure what happens in your movie, what it's all about.

I would say that you could remove the character of Bill. He's not really a character, he's an extra. He would just be set-dressing, so you don't have to write him in.

Brad Huffman Parent (Level 4)

Ok, so he's a cancer patient. But is he a hitman? Who was he supposed to kill and why? Who called him and gave him the address? You have a lot of good ideas that aren't developed enough. There's definitely a cool story about someone who has nothing left doing things he wouldn't normally do.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

I think this one could have benefitted from some dialogue to clear the story up.

Here's what I got out of it.... Tom has cancer and must be on the verge of death. He's leaving big tips, even his wedding ring. He decides to kill someone, but ends up getting the wrong house.

Here's the questions I was left with... Why'd he give away his ring? Where's his wife? Who's the guy he meant to kill and why? What did he write down during his initial phone conversation? And what was the significance of sending the number (a bank account number perhaps?) to his lawyer?

I don't know... I liked the idea of this story, but the execution of it left me with more questions than answers. Also, there were a few relatively insignificant, but easily caught, typos in there.

Bryan Atkinson (Level 0)

The script read well, but I find the story very confusing. The oncology scene at the end seems to have little to do with the previous scenes. The time shifting between the diner and the suburbs was cool, but I failed to see his motivation. Overall, I think too many elements are left up to the reader to piece together.

Caroline Coxon (Moderator)

"is standing at the jukebox. He is holding his left wrist." - better to use Present Simple tense, not Present Continuous 'stands' and 'holds' Nearly all of your action phrases are in Present Continuous.

EXT. SUBURBAN STREET - 1 AM - how can we possibly know it's 1 a.m? Is it important to the plot?

Then it jumps to 3 a.m. then back to 1.02 a.m. Nowhere is it possible for us to know this.

I didn't quite understand all the details of the plot. Why did he leave his wedding ring? Why did he want to shoot the guy? (I realise he shot the wrong guy) Why did you introduce a character called Bill who played no part in the rest of the plot? We don't need to know the bartender is called Meg either, or that she's 28, because it's not pertinent to the story.

The is the basis of a good story here but it needs clarifying, and superfuous details need to be removed. Evry detail must count.

Chris Messineo (Moderator)

I love the opening. The atmosphere, tension, and mystery you create are wonderful.

The middle is a bit muddled and confusing. I'm just not sure what Tom is doing and why?

I also really like the ending with the reveal at the hospital.

I'm sure this story is very clear in your head and I think if you rewrite this it could be very good.

Dan Lennox (Level 5)

I had a hard time following this. It was apparent Tom killed the wrong guy, but it was difficult to follow the sequence and flow. In one scene, you have Tom in his pickup at 1am, then Tom in the diner at 3am, then back to Tom at 1:02 where he realizes he killed the wrong man. Were these flashbacks?

I didn't understand Tom's motivation for killing? I was also a bit confused with the whole wedding ring on the glass, then Tom going to the oncology unit.

I just couldn't empathize with your main character or his situation here.

Donna Malies (Level 1)

Reading this, it sets the scenes very clearly, I felt like I was looking at the movie itself. I really like this script.

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

Two pages?

I don't think putting exact times in scene headings is acceptable.

I didn't follow this at all. Was Tom a hitman?

Heather Bryant (Level 1)

First page there was two places. "A hand places
places a couple of quarters in the jukebox."

Plays would of worked better. "is playing with his wedding
ring."

I didn't fully understand what it was about. But I did like how he shot the wrong guy!

Jim Montgomery (Level 3)

This one left me completely confused.

Kirk White (Level 5)

I feel like I'm missing something with this script. I think I got the plot, guy has cancer so he takes a hit job to make money (for whom I dont' know since he ditches his wedding ring) and kills the wrong guy. But the execution (no pun intended) was sloppy and hard to follow. I think you need to really expand on this to tell us the full story.

Lewayne White (Level 4)

The house number mistake seems a bit unlikely. I'd believe mistaking 4321 for 4327, but around here, 4327 (4000 block) would be a significant distance from 432 (400 block). Tom would have to have missed that all the other house numbers around him had four digits. Aside from that, the script isn't bad.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

I want you to know that I'm getting a little burned out reading and reviewing scripts on this site, and that may be affecting my reaction to your work. I've read it four times and I don't know what to say.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

I'm not sure what happened here. Did Tom go to the wrong house? What was he doing anyway? He was on the phone, wrote down an address? Then dumped his wedding band. He went to the address, he had a gun...then went to a diner. Some guy was dead, then he went to the hospital. This is what I got from it...and I read it twice.

I don't think I'll be the only one who was confused so here is my suggestion: work on your descriptions and also the flow of the story, espcially from scene to scene. No one else knows what you see, so you have to write it clearly. It's hard and it takes a lot of practice.

I was confused by the time change. You had Tom at the Diner at 3 am then the next scene was 1:02, then the next was 3:30. If you're going to go back you need to make that clear by saying FLASHBACK. And Tom's motives and his problems were not clear at all. Who was the business man? Why did he have a bunch of money? Why was he going to that address?

Too many unanswered questions in the end.

Micah Ricke (Level 4)

I read this three times and still don't know what happened. Let me rephrase that, i don't know WHY any of the things that happened happened.

Tom has cancer, ok.

Tom feels a need to kill somebody, don't know why. Need a motive. I'm presuming for money since you imply he has some money transfered to a bank account, I'm assuming for his wife, but hard to say... Still, killing someone for money means you're desparate. Show us why he's desparate.

He kills a 'business' man who we don't know anything about, and it appears it was accidental, so why is Tom there? Did someone send him? If so, show us.

Neal Barringer (Level 0)

maybe be more generic with the choices of songs - I don't know what mood/tone "Three Angels" by The Heastones sets. I don't understand the lapse in chronological order - 1am, Tom watches Business Man; 3am, Tom in a Diner; 1:02am, Business Man lies in a pool of blood.

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5)

I got a little confused in the middle of this. I think I figured it out in the end.

I'll admit to being ignorant when it comes to music so I don't know either of the two songs that actually play during the script. Unfortunately this means that when I read that they are playing it means little to me and is actually irritating because I don't know if they are supposed to have some special significance. Because of this I tend to agree with the view that specific music should only be identified when it is essential to the story.

Rustom Irani (Moderator)

Just like the nurse in the hospital and the waitress at the diner, the bartender Meg and Bill the guy watching ball on TV aren't really main cast and therefore spending words on them seems like overkill in a script that is only 2 pages long.

This is a hard script to visualize without dialog because of the substitutes you utlize to fill in for dialog.

Firstly, the time in the slugs. If you are gonna be that specific with 1:00 am etc. then have it come up on screen otherwise it doesn't really matter what time it is. Better yet, have him read off his digital watch, off the car's dashboard, the clock in the diner...

The fact that the house number is hard to make out through the bushes is something you convey to us here. But on screen this is a vital clue and one that we don't pay much attention to. Find a better flaw that can enhance this. Remember Jurassic Park and how the sign pointing to the docks gets knocked off and then Wayne Newton's character goes the wrong way to his death. Think of something like that.

One of my major peeves is writing and written notes on the screen. I have seen many writers do this and to me it is extremely distracting.

Why?

Well, think about it. Imagine me visualizing the script as if I am watching the movie. Now when Tom writes a not, scribbles a note etc., does the camera actually zoom in to the note and wait a few seconds while we read the note? Because reading what you show actually takes a few seconds. So, every time will we just see a scrap of paper and finish reading? I hope not.

This script needs dialog and it will do wonders to a fascinating premise which is a great twist at the end.

Keep writing.

Sally Meyer (Level 5)

The story was compelling and well written. Great title!

Just a suggestion. One of my anal retentive 'pet peeves' about scripts is the use passive writing. I know it makes no difference to the story, but the nit picker in me just wants to fix lines that could be so much stronger, by the elimination of a few words.

For instance in your script. this line could be so much stronger. (your line first) then with it being trimmed.

EXT. SURBURBAN STREET
The business man is laying in a pool of blood.

The wind blows. Tom looks again at the house number

4327 Mapleton

Tom is shocked and runs to the truck.

Now this would be much stronger if you'd write something like ...

Face down in a pool of blood - the businessman.

Tom dashes to his truck.

Or

The businessman lies in a pool of blood.

Tom reaches down to touch him. Recoils. Races to his truck.

Try and take out a lot of phrases that have the word 'is'.

He is smiling could be

He smiles

He is sitting at the end of the bar. could work better

He sits at the bar.

Good story and please take my comments as an effort to help you write tighter, because you're already a good writer!

Spencer McDonald (Level 4)

I assume Tom killed someone and your story never really ties up that conclusion. With more depth this could be a great story. Your characters need more quirkiness or depth. In an opening description you simply dress your character at the jukebox. In my opinion, characters need three dimensions to them. Clothing does not make the man or woman. They are emotional beings with fears, hopes, and aspirations. Make them as real as possible.

Here are some things I noticed. The opening slug line should be rewritten like this: INT. TAVERN - JUKEBOX - NIGHT.

This allows us to know we are at the jukebox. The second piece of this slug line is the day or night option. And in spec scripts that is all that should be stated. Continuing on with this thought you have reference to times at the end of several slug lines. Remember day or night. If you want to denote time, use a prop like a clock or watch.

I would remove the CUT TO: thing about midway through your script.

You do have one piece in your script which I really liked. I liked Tom dumping his wedding ring in his empty glass at the bar. You may want to expound on that further.

Stephen Brown (Level 5)

First off, your slug of MIDNIGHT should be backed up by a clock or something - otherwise you should just say NIGHT, as we couldn't pick that up on screen by itself. I see you do that with every slug so maybe a SUPER would be the way to go, as the time seems to be important.

You should keep the action lines in present tense (avoid 'BILL is wiping' etc and just write 'BILL wipes') it speeds up the read and makes it more interesting.

This was really short and I didn't get what was going on and why. I had to google Oncology haha so I figure he's dying, but why does he want to kill the businessman? why does he take off his wedding ring?

There was too much left unexplained and there was a lot of errors. Sorry.

Steve Dexheimer (Level 3)

I like what you were shooting for here. Using the suspense to drive the narrative without use of dialogue. There were a number of grammatical errors that detracted from the read, so you should look to fix those next time around. Couple suggestions...
1. The script opens somewhat slowly for me. The jukebox, the denizens of the bar... It establishes the setting, but there are two lines I loved. The first is the wedding ring in the empty glass, and the other is the 9mm sitting in the truck. I would have preferred the wedding ring line to be in the first line or two, followed quickly by the introduction of the 9mm. Then you can show the guy watching the game, choosing the music in the jukebox, etc. All that then takes on a much deeper significance as the reader is scrambling to figure out what will happen.
2. The whole murder thing was a little hard to follow. I wasn't sure why he was doing it, and then it turned out he killed the wrong guy? I get the fact that he's terminal, but is he giving the money to his own wife (thus the ring in the glass image) or to the wife of the guy he killed? That could have been a little clearer.

Good work, and good luck.

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

This is a twisted sorta Bucket List? I didn't get it at first, the time references threw me off, but I read it again and liked it. This might be a lot better without the time references and use a normal flashback. Lose the soundtrack, I didn't get all the "name that tune" and respectfully suggest this was a crutch to substitute for dialog.

Tony Oldham (Level 4)

I followed the basic action, however, I don't think I understood the ending.

Comments Made After the Contest