Comments Made During the Contest

Aaron Kassander (Level 2)

I'm not much into the horror or pure thriller genre so I can't really give you any critial advice on how to improve this. The only thing I can consider is cutting out the main lead's friend at the bar. You only see her so briefly that if you just removed her, it wouldn't make a difference in the script.

Aimee Parrott (Level 4)

This is very disturbing. I liked the intercutting between Susan in the field, and the milk carton, and thought it was effective. However, I found parts of it to be a little confusing. This was basically a human dairy? Why? It almost seems like it would have to be part of something bigger -- not to mention that women don't lactate unless they're nursing a baby. I also think it would be more effective if you either introduced the farmer earlier, or had the farmer be Vlad.

Antonio Gangemi (Level 3)

Disturbing. It would be interesting to know what was motivating Vlad. Also, if the farmhand was someone we recognized earlier in the script, it would have a greater impact.

Bob McFarlane (Level 3)

I went with very good because I liked the descriptions and language. But wouldn't a woman have to be lactating to be any good for a milking machine? Maybe if she had been nursing a youngster early on, it might have made more sense. Unless I missed something.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

Awesome! I really enjoyed it from start to finish. One part had me a bit curious though. What is the purpose or significance to the original captive being attached to the milking machine? I guess I just didn't get that, but overall, excellent short.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

I think this is a great story - a lot packed in to a few pages. The intercutting between the past and the present, the milk carton picture, the link between Luke talking about monsters and the monsters in the story...fantastic

My only tiny doubt was being confused as to where the farmer fitted in with the vodka bar.

Top job!

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus)

This should be required reading for all sorority girls, so they would know the dangers of accepting drinks from strangers - a lifetime of being milked!

Seriously, this one kept me pulled along - very well done. Your descriptions were really good (maybe just a tad too good as they took up a lot of the story).

Going back and forth between the night out and the morning in the field is very effective. I read with dread, knowing it was not going to end good for her.

I thought the writing was tight and the dialogue really good. The premise was a bit out there, not sure you need the "milking", but get what you were trying to accomplish.

On the constructive side, Typos:

Page two: "Like she's been heard it all before"
and on page 5: "Her gazes shifts around the room..."

All-in-all, nice job. Think you'll do well

Chris Messineo (Founder)

The story was horrifying, but I feel like I'm left with too many questions. Why is this happening to her? Why was she left in a field? Why are they doing this to these women? It was all very creepy, but I didn't believe any of it, so I don't think it had as much impact as it could.

Colin Cohen (Level 2)

Macabre. Very macabre.

I'll tell you -- you had me turning the pages to find out what would happen next.

I can't honestly say that I understood what they were doing with her at the end, but it certainly was scary.

Dino Barlaam (Level 3)

Well-written with nice cuts between the past & present scenes. Minimal dialogue; great visuals that truly pulled me into ths story.

A few minor spelling & grammatical errors; please review script again for those.

Only thing I didnt get was, where was Susan, why was she there, & what is farmer's motive? just an idea of where she was taken to & why would've made this much more powerful.

Don Riemer (Level 4)

Extremely well written, in terms of the basics: dialogue, action and scene description. And I love the way it begins, and the first transition to Susan in the field. But the more I read, the less I liked it. For me, the depth of the sadism and misogyny are way over the top, and don't even make much sense. Russian mobsters capturing women and milking them in order to sell expensive cocktails? Well, sure, anything's possible. But this script begins with such a wonderful sense of real life, I wanted it to continue in that vein. And I wanted Susan to come out okay. The way it ends is very unsatisfying.

Ethelyn Boddy (Level 4)

I don’t understand Susan’s horrifying vision of what’s to come—but that’s okay, I don’t want to know. I’m not entertained by evil for evil’s sake. Best if I avoid it—which is difficult considering the popularity of the genre. Ignoring my personal prejudices, i like the milk carton at start and finish.

James Holiday (Level 2)

Solid. Totally solid. cept that the WR is an old ladies drink, lol. loved it. this is a good script.

Jeremy Goodlander (Level 3)

Very good, wow. Nice pacing, good use of visuals. The only thing I would suggest is maybe a hard cut to the girl's face on the carton. Maybe like a subliminal cut. Juts quick enough to establish they are the same girl. Other than that, this is very good.

Julie Stewart (Level 3)

Great story, great set-up, great irony. Although I didn't quite get it until I googled "white russian" ...

Susan was a strong character - her motivation clear from the outset and the risk that she took believable because of the set-up in the first and third scenes.

There is a lot of description which struck me after previous comments on this site (and others) recommending no more than four lines of description. However, it worked here for me. I particuarly liked the repetition of the word 'white' and associated imagery - the sofas, the white collar workers, the pale-skinned Vlad.

One thing jarred - why was she dumped in a field - why not directly into the milking shed.

Finally, having discovered what a White Russian is - and your special ingredient - I think that i'll stick to champagne dahling!

Kirsten Bischoff (Level 3)

Good writing - but I think I'm lost. I'm not sure who the "bad guy" is - Vlad? The farmer? You lost me - but it is very visual - and the writing of the visuals is great - I could picture evrything. But - I really wish I had been able to follow it better.

Larry Basch (Level 3)

Good grief! Get a life.

Lee Carlisle (Level 4)

Chilling little script. Theres not too much time to explain whats actually going on, but it doesnt seem matter too much. Simply as frightening imagery, the script succeeds for the most part. Overall it felt like the opening screnes to a longer horror piece, which isnt a bad thing. As a stand-alone short though, it doesnt have too much of a point or message besides to scare (unless its dont try to meet men if youre a single mother). Well written though and I liked it.

Liz Messineo (Level 4)

I'm assuming that the syringe they give Susan somehow makes her lactate? Otherwise, that's a fairly sizable plot hole. And one that most people would be aware of.

Matthew Phillips (Level 4)

I like this script quite a bit. The switch from the girl to the milk carton at the end is excellent. For five pages I thought you did a great job. For a thriller it's very coincidental though, I don't think this is bad, it's just that I saw the ending before it happened. I would find the story more interesting if Vlad was somebody she knew in passing before her night out. The writing is excellent, well crafted.

Michael Cornetto (Level 5)

Intriguing.

Michael Thede (Level 4)

For some reason, I couldn't download this one!

Nick Sidorovich (Level 3)

Kinda freaky, kinda jumpy, but good tension. A bit unclear, but I assume it's a white slavery ring. Just strikes me as bizarre that she'd be pressed into milking cows instead of turning tricks as a prostitute.

Pia Cook (Level 5)

After the second read I went back and bumped my score up. This was very good and I liked how you weaved through-lines into the story.

I have nothing more to say about this story other than I think it was one of the best this month.

Great job! :-)

Rich Keel (Level 4)

Where the heck do some of you get these morbid ideas :) WOW! Very well writtien and entertaining. i had no idea where it was going and the end chilled my bones. Nice Work.

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

Disturbing but well constructed. Compelling opening that moves forward and keeps the twists and turns coming. I was especially impressed with the unexpected turn of events when the farmer pulls over. Wickedly dark and effective imagery. Definitely will make viewers squirm in their seats. Nice use of nudity in response to the challenge. Like the title. Well done.

Rustom Irani (Moderator)

Horror is a tough genre and with the nudity theme you gave it a nice attempt but it feels a bit half hearted.

Were Vlad and the farmer running this whole clandestine hooker milking operation? I hope its a hooker milking operation. If not, what is it? Is it her fault she is in this situation?

You see, the last question is important, because a character getting into trouble because of her actions is much more identifiable and more empathized with, rather than one who is placed into situations by the creator.

We never see a moment where she fights back or at least tries to. Maybe her being a prostitute is like fighting back against her situation of being a single mom.

What you have given me is "Pretty Woman" meets "Hostel" when either one would have sufficed.

The end punchline leaves a lot of questions, if the girl in the photo is the woman how old was she when she was captured for milking and did she even produce milk as a kid?

Technically you seem adept at writing a script and you have decent characters.

What you lack is structure and that comes with practice and getting feedback.

Keep at your craft.

All the best.

Spencer McDonald (Level 4)

Great back and forth with scenes. Kept my attention. You also had wonderful descriptions and action without a lot of words. Anyone who can pull that off is a master writer. Same as the dude who wrote THE HITCHER.

If I had a problem, it would be the milk carton. Not sure how the missing girl on the carton and the woman in the field were related. Maybe I just missed it. The ending seemed to be missing something. If it wasn't clear, probably needs a touch up.

Anyway, I liked your story. Great work!

Spencer

Wes Worthing (Level 5)

I like the pacing of this. It's not clear what the women are being used for. My assumption is that they're being milked for the ingredient in the "White Russian", but I can see different opinions on this. Well written. If your goal was to have my heart beat faster from being pissed off, then you have succeeded. Thanks for sharing.

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus)

Why a milking machine? I don't see how that fits in. If they are farming women, why? Who is Vlad? Does he play a part in the missing women? Are the drinks made with the fluids of these missing women? Personally, I needed more questions answered.

William Coleman (Level 5)

I liked the cross-cutting between times, but I'm not sure how the two lines work together. How does the Russian relate to the farmer; how do the two crimes comment on each other?

The best thing is that this is very visual with the erotic commenting on the brutal in the time shifts.

It may be me, but I can't this becoming a coherent whole. Maybe I want a neat tidy package, but I like for things to comment back and forth as we move to a conclusion.

By the way, I prefer reading hard copy, but I wsas unable to print this out.

Comments Made After the Contest

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus) ~ 6/1/2007 12:29 AM

This was my favourite script! Should have been placed - but who am I to say?!

Martin Lancaster (Level 4) ~ 6/1/2007 1:02 AM

Thanks for all the comments. Very helpful.

I realise this story has its flaws. The motive is a little weak, and perhaps not clear enough to those unfamiliar with the ingredients of a White Russian. Also, the moral message is lacking. Susan obviously doesn't deserve her fate and I wasn't trying to imply that she did. Originally I'd planned a daring escape along with the other girl but I just couldn't find room.

This story is heavily influenced by a fantastic novel called Under The Skin by Michel Faber. Similar concept but with men being fattened up and farmed for meat.

As for the lactating issue, it is researched. Prolonged stimulation of the breast can induce lactation, even in women who've never had even children. The injection in the script is supposed to be hormonal.

Again, this was a bigger idea squeezed into five pages. It seems the pacing worked but the story isn't developed enough and the motives aren't clearly explained. Thanks for all the insightful comments. I'll use them in the rewrite.

P.S.

Larry, "Good grief! Get a life." doesn't really help anyone. If you don't like the script, say so, and tell me why. At least reference the script in your comment if you want me to take it seriously. This kind of comment makes me wish I hadn't taken the time to read and comment on your script. Maybe if I had a life, I wouldn't have bothered.

Rick Hansberry (Moderator) ~ 6/1/2007 7:03 AM

Martin, I wish you well with this script. It was really well done. I picked up on the White Russian ingredients by the way. Expand the story in your rewrite. I'm looking forward to it.

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus) ~ 6/1/2007 9:22 AM

Nice job, Martin. Really enjoyed it. You are waaaayy other there, man!

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus) ~ 6/1/2007 10:53 AM

Well said re Larry's comment! (Selfishly made me feel better about what he said about mine!) Fortunately, the majority of the comments ARE useful, and considerable time and thought has obviously been taken over them.

Rustom Irani (Moderator) ~ 6/1/2007 11:48 AM

This story had the most memorable imagery. Good horror is hard to write like I mentioned and you could have tried either horror or thriller/drama. A longer version can do wonders for this.(10-15 pages)

Critiques that don't help you improve and seem personal only give you more fodder to create a character like that of the critic just in case you need to write about such a character.(think Melvin Udall)

And if you read the others and give excellent feedback well you just might learn something from reading an anonymous script. Either way what have you got to lose?

So.....

GOT MILK?

Sorry couldn't resist.

You are a good script writer and I look forward to reading your ideas.

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 6/1/2007 12:25 PM

Your writing is incredibly strong, vivid, and in your face. I'm not surprised by the diverse reactions.

This story is unsettling and that is a good thing. Your scripts always seem to pack a lot of punch and I'm really looking forward to reading more of them.

Aimee Parrott (Level 4) ~ 6/1/2007 1:25 PM

Martin, this was well-written, which is think is probably *why* I found it so disturbing. You pack a lot of punch in a few pages.

And, ditto what Caroline said.

Pia Cook (Level 5) ~ 6/1/2007 1:41 PM

Martin,

This was one of my favorites. Awesome writing as always.

And yeah, ignore the annoying comments.

Pia

Wes Worthing (Level 5) ~ 6/1/2007 6:52 PM

Certainly one of the most creative stories for the month. A polish would make it amazing.

Stephen Brown (Level 5) ~ 12/14/2008 9:08 AM

Great story Martin. I'm just looking through some scripts randomly as I'm finished with my reads for the month.

Horrifying but expertly told.

Martin Lancaster (Level 4) ~ 12/14/2008 9:29 AM

Thanks for digging this up, Stephen. Glad you enjoyed it.