Comments Made During the Contest

Ali Barr (Level 4)

This was a very complete story. Well done. It read like a much bigger script than just four pages. Your transitions to flashbacks were good because they were well related to the present time activity.

Your character development was good. I would have liked to get to know Jack a little sooner. Page one is a little slow. Sounds funny considering we write these stories in just five pages, but because we have so little space, I would like to see a little more of Jack in the opening sequence besides the fact that he is aged beyond his years. Some little tick or evidence of his sorrow right off?

I liked this one. One of my favorites this month.

Annie Elizabeth Ryan (Level 1)

This is interesting. "The Lake" must have been difficult to adapt, but you have a lot of emotion coming through the script.

I would suggest getting rid of all "are" and "is" and just use the verb to keep the script active and moving forward. E.g. (Pp.2) Instead of "The only sounds heard are. . ." put something like, "Tires screech against the pavement," (or whatever sound you prefer to use).

What is the meaning of the dream sequence? Can you show the affair in another way without breaking the continuity of the time line? Likewise, could you get rid of the Flashbacks and instead start out the story with the young kids and then continue the story with adult Jack.

Flashbacks and dream sequences can work, but it is best (usually) to limit their use and perhaps to avoid them altogether in a short film/script, as they can be a crutch in telling the story.

There is a lot of deep emotion in your story, and the writing is descriptive. Thanks for posting.

Audrey Webb (Level 4)

I like that you updated this...well done! It was difficult to keep up with the present and the past. Perhaps you could find a simpler way to tell the story without quite so many back and forths in time. As I was reading, I was trying to visualize if it would make sense to a viewer who was who. When we're reading the script, we can tell who is Jack and who is Matt...but when you're seeing it on the screen, you don't have that luxury. How would we know that the grown man is Jack and not Matt? See what I mean?

Brad Viar (Level 2)

This was simple yet very heartfelt. Well done.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

While this was written fine, I'm not sure you selected the best story for an adaptation. So he and the girl broke his brother's heart 30 years ago and now they just decided to show up at the cabin and drop flowers in the lake? I don't know... It doesn't do much for me and actually raises a lot of unanswered questions.

Briant Weylin (Level 2)

The Lake is a contemporary adaptation of the poem by Edgar Allen Poe.

This story was very good. I enjoyed your interpretation of the poem and the story choices you made throughout.

Four flashbacks and a dream sequence. Whoa. I'll grant you that on paper you've handled this pretty well...but visually this would be hard to follow, especially in only 5 mins. To be honest, as a read I like the flashbacks and even the going from 10 yo to 16 back to 10...but I think might be really tough to pull off on film (and maybe some of the more experienced film makers can provide additional opinions). Also of note, its a standard film convention to film the outside of an object before the inside (so viewers understand where they're seeing)...for example:

Both windows are wide open. The only sounds heard are
the tires against the pavement and the wind that blows
Jack’s salt and pepper hair.

There are no other cars in sight as he drives up a
winding road surrounded by a forest of towering pines.

I might recommend placing the second action phrase prior to the one above it and making it an ext shot. I understand you're working with a limited number of pages, so it is what it is.

Your writing is good, descriptive without saying too much. I'm looking forward to reading more of your work, and if you want to discuss this further or another piece I'd love to hear from you.
Good luck and keep writing
B~

Bryan Mora (Level 4)

The quality here is good. Maybe i would've liked there to be a bit more dialogue instead of you telling me how this character felt.
Matts heartbreak over Laura, Jack's over his brother. I wold've liked to see some interaction, instead of a montage.

Good job none the less.

Caroline Coxon (Moderator)

Small point -when you dscribe Jack as 42 then say his vacant eyes make him look more like 52...how are we supposed to know all this from seeing him on screen?

I found this poignant and could sense the gloom. However, I felt some of the scenes weren't crucial to the plot and felt like unnecessary padding - like the opening scene and the scenes driving to the lake.

I thought you overdid the sound effects - frogs croaking, birds chirping etc. It's not a cartoon!

Tightened up this would be very good.

Chris Messineo (Moderator)

I liked this a lot.

The original poem has so much mood and emotion, but very little story. I think it is a great choice for an adaptation and I was fascinated by the story you came up with. The flashbacks work great and the last scene, with the two of them on the pier is haunting.

Very well done.

Colin Garland (Level 2)

I thought this was fabulous. It offered a wonderful interpretation on the source material, and it engaged me from start to finish. I also have to mention that it is certainly an accomplishment to be able to "move" a reader (viewer...) in five pages.

My only issue is that the characters weren't individuals. They were minimally developed in the flashbacks (essentially the meat of the story) but not enough. They all seemed like vague, skeletons of people off the street, and the little dialogue that was there could have been better utilized to distinguish these characters as people. Personally, I would have like to see what separates the brothers? How are they different?

But even that criticism is sort of just another way you could have made (near) perfection :)

Dan Delgado (Level 4)

(Note: My comments are probably more subjective than objective.) The way it was told was clumsy. I like the idea of the story. It's worth a little more work to make it better.

Dan Lennox (Level 5)

Wow.... A very powerful story. Although the flashbacks were numerous, everything worked. I liked how you tied everything together to bring the story to an effective conclusion. It worked...

This also had a good pace to it that made kept me right in there wanting to turn the page to see what happens next. Only one thing with the dialogue. The dialogue in the scene where Matt and Jack are doing flips in the lake seemed a bit forced and unnatural. I would have simple just had Jack say, "show off", instead of a complete sentence. I think that would have been more realistic.

Overall, I think this a very good, well written story.

Kirk White (Level 5)

This was one of the best I've read. I haven't read the original but this one is suberb. giving an excellent and hope it places.

Lewayne White (Level 4)

Decent script, particularly since the poem doesn't give you much to work with.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

The first time I read this I was sloppy and didn't read things like "FLASHBACK." On second read I see that you had all of the technical down, and very well at that. The problem I have with this is that it isn't a very interesting work by Poe. If I was critiquing him here I'd be saying the same thing.

Marla Brecheen (Level 4)

I was drawn into the story wanting to know what's going to happen next.

Matias Caruso (Level 5)

Liked the dark ending. Pretty cool.

With so many flashbacks, I have to wonder why you didn’t set this story directly in the past.

There’s only one scene with adult Jack that’s interesting: the last one. All the other scenes involving Jack as an adult lack conflict. He leaves work, he drives, he sleeps, he fishes, etc, all his activities are quite ordinary and not movie worthy.

I’d suggest telling this tale chronologically and losing the scenes with no conflict.

Neal Barringer (Level 0)

Loved it. It all made sense. Very Good.

Pete Barry (Level 4)

This is well-written and visually interesting. The flashbacks weaved together well, even the one that was out of sequence (it bothered me a little bit, but not enough to change it, I understand how it fits the flow).

It is a tragedy; I still admit I don't really feel for the characters. I suppose in a piece this short, if an action will drive a person to suicide, it had better be a shocking action, or I better know a lot about that character's internal world to jusitfy it. Here, I don't get either - catching one's brother and the girl of one's dreams is tragic, but not enough to prompt suicide without more information. You followed the correct course of action, but you didn't earn the payoff.

Still, it's an easy enough fix, and I hope you can work it. Good luck with the script and in the contest.

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5)

Your story is very good. I read the poem and I don't know that I understood what poem was getting at so I'm happy to accept your interpretation. Your script combines mystery and tragedy very well.

Pia Cook (Level 5)

This was a bit confusing at times.
You had a lot of flashbacks in just five pages. Although they are okay to use, yours jumped between time periods. Sometimes they were 10 year olds and other times they were 16. As a result it got confusing. What age were they when Matt took his life?

Also on a couple of occasions you never stated END FLASHBACK. Not that I couldn't figure out what was going on, but it made me stop and reread the last few lines again which breaks up the rythm and reminded me I was reading a script rather than seeing it in my head.

The writing was fine and nicely broken up.

My vote: GOOD

Ron Blizzard (Level 0)

A lot of flashbacks and dream sequences for a short script. It seemed like there was a bit too much detail. Maybe a simpler, more direct, story line would have helped. I thought the mood and story idea were pretty good.

Sally Meyer (Level 5)

Nicely done. I liked this story. It had a lot of emotion and I got into the story quickly. Good use of flashbacks. One of my favorite's this time.

Scott Russell (Level 1)

An incredible interpretation of an excellent poem. The flashbacks and the dream sequences are incredibly powerful... This is one hell of a story you're telling here.

Stephen Brown (Level 5)

I thought this was the best one I have read so far. The subtle emotions created were perfect and it was a very good read.

The symbolism throughout your script was really well done and I think you nailed that life-trodden character-trait for someone who has lost someone close to them and blames themselves.

The flashbacks worked really well too - showing how his character has changed due to this tragedy.

The only thing that didn't really work for me was the pace of Matt realising his brother was dating the woman he loved and his suicide - although that isn't your fault giving the page limit. Would really love to read an extended rewrite of this. Hope this places.

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

Atmospheric and well drawn. I have not read the original, but I enjoyed the mood and tone of what you've done with it. I'm not a big fan of dream sequences or flashbacks, this piece handled it well enough so I didn't get lost.

William Bienes (Moderator)

This was very well done. I'm going to come back to it again, my grade at present is walking the fence.

Several FLASHBACKS didn't detract from this piece at all -- they were quick hitting and went with the pace of the story.

I liked Jack and the way you went about detailing his character. I also thought it was wonderful that you didn't feel the need to have Present Jack say anything at all since he left his office.

Very well done, enjoyed it.

William Coleman (Level 5)

The script itself is poetic and well written. The flashbacks inform the present story and tie together at the end. This is a very good script, but I see it as a meditation, not an adaptation of Poe's poem. I like the script a lot, but I don't think you carried out the assignment.

It has a gentle, remunative and elegiac quality that I like. However, even if you'rer working on aevocation of the poem's mood, a sense of decay is missing.

The opening page is rather flat. Exposition is useful, but I think the scene with the Receptionist is not needed and the info could have been inserted another way that includes plot movement.

By the way, when you go to a new scene don't use "he" assuming we know who you are referring to. Use the name again.

Save this one. One down the line, you might be able to use it. And it is certainly filmable.

William Dunbar (Level 4)

I don't see any connection between this script and Poe's poem of the same name, but I suppose it deserves to be judged on its merits as a script. And it's pretty good. It's a good idea anyway. It's a bit more slow-paced than I'd like. It could either be shorter or have more happen. The denoument is pretty predictable, and there's not much else going on. But it's pretty good as a sort of little vignette. Good job.
WD

Comments Made After the Contest

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5) ~ 7/1/2008 1:47 AM

Thanks for the honest reviews. I'm usually not a flashback person but the first line in the poem is a man remembering a place he went as a youth. And another line in the poem is him waking from a dream. So to me it seemed fitting for the adaptation.

And yes, instead of writing "FLASHBACK OVER" I wrote "BACK TO PRESENT" - either one is acceptable.

I made a decision to mix the flashbacks from 16 to 10 years a few times. I wasn't going to cus I knew for sure I'd be criticized for it, but this is supposed to be someone's memory and do we only remember things in chronological order? Or do we mix it up? I decided to take my licks and try to make it feel natural.

Chris Messineo (Moderator) ~ 7/1/2008 9:39 AM

This was easily one of my favorite scripts this month.

I think you did a fantastic job with the flashbacks, but then I love well used flashbacks.

I simply adore the last image, those two looking at each other across the lake. Very powerful.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5) ~ 7/1/2008 10:55 AM

Thanks Chris. I'm still getting the hang of these 5 pagers. I really loved this challenge and what it got out of me. :)

Sally Meyer (Level 5) ~ 7/1/2008 4:56 PM

I really enjoyed your script also, Marnie. It was definitely on of my favorites this month.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5) ~ 7/2/2008 6:57 PM

Thank you so much Sally. :)