Comments Made During the Contest

Adam Grage (Level 4)

I thought this story was intriguing and captured my attention with the character of Josh. There is just enough hints by Josh to forshadow the ending.

The one detail was threw me alittle was the slime coming out of nowhere though when Josh was with his friend at the mall.

The dialogue might use some polish with Greg but otherwise this was a good piece.

I noticed a few spelling errors. Watch for those because they do detract some.

Bill Delehanty (Level 4)

Is this story about the bracelet? If it is, there is way too much "other stuff" here that really isn't important at all (if it's about this bracelet). The overall feeling I got from this was that everything jumped around so much, it was hard to figure out what's this got to do with that, and so on. Try working on writing what the reader only needs and wants to know, otherwise readers will quickly lose interest in the script.

Brad Huffman Parent (Level 4)

I like the concept, but I'm not completely sold on the execution. I usually don't mind when things are left unexplained if the story doesn't count on it, but I think it's needed here with his ability to do whatever he does. Magic? Illusion? Pulling things from another dimension? It seems really strange that people around him see it and accept it. Is it just him? Can other people do this? Is it a secret he shared with just a few friends?

Also, Josh's reactions and dialogue while trying to hide what happened felt a little forced and unrealistic.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

While I can't pinpoint why I feel this way, I felt like there was something very schizophrenic about this script, hopefully other reviewers will be able to phrase that in a more helpful or clear way so it can be more helpful to you. Character introductions need some work. The formatting and grammar seemed fine but the story was just plain bizarre. He pulled slime out of thin air? It's like a little teen love romantic couple days before the kid moves away, put there is also some sort of magic subplot going on that I didn't get or felt like fit the story at all.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

It's an interesting tale and I like the element of mystery in it.

I think perhaps you let on about the plot too quickly, because as soon as Rebecca said 'Where's Angela?' I knew her disappearance had to do with the trunk.

Josh was an interesting character, well-drawn.

As regards the ending - I think it would have been better if you had stopped when Josh opened the trunk. All that crying and 'Angela where are you?' was unnecessary and weakened it.

On two occasions you used the word obvious - they were obvious football fans, she obviously caves. Don't tell us. Show us.

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus)

This one was a bit confusing for me at first, his pulling slime out of thin air, then it became more clear. I found it interesting, but to me it seems unfinished. Did he really leave the trunk in the attic? Why would he do that other than to get back to your beginning. Seems to me he'd bring with so he could continue trying to bring her back. Just leaving her makes him seem like a real creep.

Still, all-in-all good job, would like to see more though.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

A young man with the ability to make things disappear, but not quite the ability to control it, is a great idea for a short.

Your craft is good and I like the characters, but I would like to see you work on the tone a bit more. I think it should be a lot darker and more atmospheric. Use the visuals more and the dialogue less. I would even lose the two friends. Concentrate on the heart of the story, Josh's gift and his own fear of it.

I hope I get to read a rewrite of this.

Dan Lennox (Level 5)

I enjoyed reading this one. You set and maintained a nice pace throughout your story. It sounds like Josh may need to go to Hogwarts to get his magic under control...

The only thing that I have really comment on concerns some of the dialogue. Almost everything is very good, however, in the scene where Josh and Angela are in the attic, Angela's dialogue seems a bit stiff and unnatural.

Otherwise, I thought this was a nice little story that could be easily filmed.

Good Job

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

I would like to see some set up explaining Josh's powers.

I was able to visualize everything here. But somehow I didn't care that the girl disappeared. There seems to be something missing somehow, and with Josh's final reaction.

I like the way you started with the hook. I knew something was seriously wrong and needed to keep reading to find out what it was, but there was too much set up afterwards for her disapperance. I felt no real conflict, or tension.

I think this needs a major overhaul, and a darker ending for Josh himself. He gets off too easy, with no accountability/consequence for his recklessness.

I give it a good anyway, I like the crisp writing, good flow.

Erich VonHeeder (Level 4)

I'm having a hard time with this one because I feel like there is a very fascinating story in there somewhere. I just had a hard time following it. I was a little overwhelmed by the amount of characters that were being introduced, but cast size isn't the problem...I think the problem is that your protagonist had no direction. At any point during your script you should be able to ask the reader "What is Josh fighting for?" and they should be able to provide an answer. I couldn't answer that and it made me feel lost...then the guy pulled slime out of thin air and I was really thrown for a loop. But again, I can feel that there is a really good story in there, just find it and REALLY highlight it.

John Brooke (Level 5)

You have displayed creative daring that almost didn’t make it. I did find the flow of this script confusing, and I had to spend some time figuring it out. Neat idea that your protagonist Josh is a teenager with a mind-bending gift that gets tragically out of control. You have shown me his unique ability, which is good, but in a disjointed fashion, which is puzzling. Suddenly like a slight of hand trick out of nowhere, I had to read the script right through and then return to the part about Josh, pulling “some slime out of thin air,” and “pulls a large crystal out of the OLD LADY’S ear,” to realize that what looked to me like non sequiturs, on first reading, were actually demonstrations of his power, building to your scripts tragic finale.

A small continuity note and a typo: Josh shoves all the stuff he finds on the floor into a box. Later he returns holding his guitar (which was packed into the box) and lifts the lid of the trunk, and sees the silk pillows (which were also packed into the box) with Angela’s bracelet on top. I think you meant “the candle in front of them fades in and out of (sight) not site.

The premise is fair.

John LaBonney (Level 4)

I know that writers, especially screenwriters, sometimes like to leave things open to interpretation, but in this case instead I think that I'm just missing the idea rather than trying to speculate about what happened. Initially I'm thinking that she's still up in the attic when Josh comes down in the morning, but then it appears that she's left at some point during the night, most likely while Josh was asleep. But it's also suggested that she's disappeared--she hasn't contacted her friend and Josh laments her being gone. I'm a little thicker than most and like the dots a little more connected.

Jose Batista (Level 5)

Josh has some strange powers. In the beginning he pulls stuff from out thin air, but at the end he makes Angela disappear, then her bracelet and cannot bring either one back. Although well written and with good dialogue, I cannot understand anything about the events that happened. Most importantly is that the trunk did not play a significant part. I’m not saying it should have, but perhaps it could have made the story more interesting. I also cannot believe that Greg and Rebecca, who last saw Angela with Josh, do not get a clue about her whereabouts or even suspect Josh about her disappearance. Also, where are Angela’s parents? These are some important issues that I believe should have been considered. The potential for a great story is definitely there, there are simply several holes that need to be filled up.

Kathleen Clevenger (Level 4)

At first I wasn't sure what had happened in your story, which was great. It was clear that your main character had a secret. It was obvious that he knew more about what happened to the girl than he let on. At first I suspected he murdered her and stuck her body in the trunk, but then you added the skill with magic, which was a welcomed twist. However, after the magic was introduced, I found your ending very predictable. Also, I was wondering why the girl had not been reported missing and why her parents weren't more concerned? I'd love to know what happened to her as a reader/audience member, even if the characters never find out. Do you know where she is?

Kenneth Hurd (Level 4)

So, what happened to Angela in the end? Did she run away or something? I was a bit confused by how it ended. Other than that, the characters were solid, you've got good dialogue, and the story flows.

Laureen Muller (Level 4)

Some of the dialog seemed out of place and forced. The story didn't flow completely but had a good idea. We were left in the dark about what exactly happened in the attic other then Angela disappearing and the remnants of their trip to the attic lay in the trunk. You demonstrated Josh’s powers but not to the full exposure needed to follow the story, why did he only show Angela on this night? The beginning and end establish closure and the flashback links the two together well. The relationship with Angela goes from hot to cold, why hesitate to follow him to the attic? If she is willing to pour wax on her hands and allow him to pour hot wax on her arm going to the attic with someone she cares about should be no big deal, you have to give a reason for the hesitation, not just the verbiage.

Leigh Fenty (Level 3)

Pretty good premise. I think it could use some more work. Especially the dialogue. It sounds pretty cliche and not too natural. If you read it outloud or have someonge read it for you, it helps a lot.

Lewayne White (Level 4)

When doing magic, you have to learn the trick all the way through. Decent story. Good job.

Margaret Avnet (Level 4)

I'm confused as to what is going on with Josh. Is he a warlock who can't control his powers? I'm assuming Angela has disappeared, but you don't explain how. I think we need to know a bit more about Josh and his condition. Something you should think of doing should you decide to do a rewrite. I think the script does have some potential. Especially if you take Josh's emotions a step further.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

This is creepy good.

I'm not a fan of SUPERIMPOSE, unless it really helps the script in some way. Your use is probably okay, but I think another treatment would be more effective in something longer. In this format it was probably the best way to take us back using as little space as possible.

You need to work on your spelling in a few places. I don't know if you used spellcheck or not, but it wouldn't have found "site" or "shutter." Sometimes it's best to have another set of eyes look your work over for you. It's way to easy to miss small spelling errors when you're the only one looking for them.

I enjoyed this story very much. Nice work.

Marla Brecheen (Level 4)

The pace was perfect and liked the whole mystery part of it. Did she disappear because of his mystical powers? Did she just vanish? Nice. It lives you wondering.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

So Josh made his girlfriend disappear? That's pretty creepy. :) I'm sure he could make a lot of monay teaching guys that trick. LOL.

This was good, but not crystal clear. I did have to read some parts twice to fully understand what was going on. Just my opinion...you just lightly brushed on Josh's powers...I would have liked to see more of that. That may have made the story clearer. You spent most of the time on the their move, which in the end wasn't the main part of the story.

I liked it though...with a rewrite I think this could be a REALLY creepy story. :)

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

The twist really caught me off guard.

I thought there were too many characters. Cutting them back would save on confusion early on in the script and help the plot kick in earlier. William Goldman summed it up eloquently enough: 'Enter a story as late as you can.' (Also enter a scene as late as you can.)

Some dialogue was a little unrealistic, especially noticeable at an important point ("You are getting freakier, like that guy on TV Josh!" comes to mind). This could be easily fixed to make the characters more in awe of what should be an awesome power.

Otherwise, it was quite good.

Matias Caruso (Level 5)

If I got it right, Josh can make things disappear by playing an instrument. Interesting angle.

If I read this script outside this challenge, I would have advised you right away to cut the first scene. Nothing happens. But, since the script was written for this challenge, and that first scene must be there, at least make it interesting.

All scenes must have a point, including the first scene (which also needs to be hooking). I really advise you to try to find something more interesting that a static shot of an attic in which nothing happens.

In the following scene, we get to meet some of the characters, we learn that Josh is moving, but before anything interesting happens, you cut to a flashback (two days earlier) which makes me wonder why didn’t you start your story “two days earlier”.

I’d suggest you to introduce Josh’s strange ability earlier in the script (first page would be ideal) since this is the first interesting thing that happens. Then make this girl disappear (introduction of the main conflict) so you’ll have some pages left to make Josh try to get his girl back (escalation of the main conflict) and make him succeed or fail (resolution of the main conflict)

Right now, the script ends right after the main conflict is introduced, which left me with a “Yes and?” feeling.

I think the concept has potential though. With a rewrite I think it could really work.

Michael Leath (Level 3)

Technically this script is impeccable. The formatting and delivery is professional. The story is where I am having a problem.

Josh has some magical power that allows him to make thing s disappear. He accidentally makes his first love disappear. Your delivery of this story was strong. It was as compelling as it could be. But the story itself, the concept didn't have that Wow factor that made my head turn.

You scene choices were good. You moved the characters around and each scene felt natural and in a sequence that was logical. But ultimately the revelation wasn't as strong as the over-all writing.

Don't take this as a slam on your story-telling. You did a marvelous job of weaving the tale in a way that was interesting. But the ultimate choice of story is where this really falls down for me.

Michael Rome (Level 4)

Good description and dialogue. I like the concept of the story, but I thought you could have spend less time on the moving details, and more time leading up to the magical abilities. The disapearance would be a little more compelling if there was perhaps more backstory on his history with magic...maybe a strange, eccentric character who taught him some long lost secret spells.

Overall, good job.

Neal Barringer (Level 0)

the suspense was killing me from the second "Mark jumps." so, I was intrigued to finish the read.

Imagery. "Mark jumps." an interesting image this action produces. I need more clarification to get the image you intended. the action verb, "jump," is a little too generic for your intentions.
when you do your rewrite, focus on the images you intend to transfer to the reader. there are many instances where they're not as clear as they should be. like "Josh pulls slime out of thin air." this needs some sort of foreshadowing or fantastical flourish to understand Josh is a mystical kid.

I expected Angela to be in the trunk, but your ending surprised and twisted. good job.

Patrick Sweeney (Level 4)

Format is mostly good.

I don't know what 'Same' in the slugline means. Same house? Same day? Anyway, it seems unnecessary. Only indicate time in sluglines going into or returning from a flashback. It's usually clear in the next scene that time has passed - Josh says he's going to the mall, next scene, he's at the mall. Writing is unclear in places - the old lady's ear sits in front of them? Lots of description of small actions can be trimmed. Needs another edit pass for spelling, punctuation, homonyms. Characters are fairly flat, and dialogue veers from natural to stilted. Dialogue also can be cut back; remember, every line needs to either advance the story, reveal character, or get a laugh. Story seems kind of slight. No real hook to keep the reader turning pages, the disappearance of someone we haven't even met yet is not very compelling, and the twist is telegraphed too early by the magic tricks. Also, the magic just comes out of nowhere, and is too easily accepted by all the characters.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

Had to read this a few times, still don't really get it.

Came back to this about a week or so later...

I still don't know, it goes from a happy Harry Potter fantasy-style story to the almost creepy conclusion. Did Josh make Angela disappear and can't bring her back?

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5)

I like the fact that I thought I knew where this was going the whole way along and then it turns out to be something different. It's cleverly done, well put together, and an entertaining read. There are a couple of things that I'd suggest changing to avoid it seeming cheesy.

In the early magic trick scenes I think it would help if you made it clearer at least once that he was doing some kind of trick. Until you figure that out it seems like a writing error when he pulls something out of the air.

Dripping candle wax would have to be done very carefully in any film because there is a very famous example of a widely ridiculed movie that made a big deal of a scene like that. I know Madonna was in it and I think it was called Body of Evidence.

At the very end it seems to imply that he is singing the last line. I'm guessing that is not what you mean but it kind of puts an odd image in my head.

Pia Cook (Level 5)

Good story, but I sensed fairly early on what happened to her.
It was good to see how he was upset and seemingly was upset about her disappearing.

My only suggestion would be to be a little more mysterious in the beginning and don't give the ending away so quickly.

I liked it though and I enjoyed your writing.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

Things I liked about the script, were that the concept was unique, a teenager able to make people disappear. The kids were regular teen kids, they spoke like kids which is good. And I liked the ending, with the trunk at the end as well as the beginning.

You've got a few small spelling errors etc, but nothing that can't be fixed with a quick pass over again.

Shaheryar Ahmed (Level 3)

Nice but very confusing. Actually where did Angela go? I could'nt figure that out. The story felt incomplete to me. It didn't strike me at all... Maybe it is just me!

Visually the story has nothing to offer. It is plain and simple. The characters were weak. I couldn't see them. They were like writings on a paper exactly.

Stan Askew (Level 3)

Young sorcerer, on his moving day, makes his girlfriend disappear. Kind of neat ending in that his dad wants to hurry Josh out of the house, making a sort of built-in escape for Josh's mistake. I had started to say that I thought the Greg character was not necessary. No way. He's perfect. This story works on a humorous level, for me anyway, when we see that kids can sort of just walk away from huge mistakes. You might capitalize on that idea by having the father saying something like, "Don't walk away from your responsibiities." You've already got Greg telling Josh not to pull one of his disappearing acts. You might throw in a bunch of half-done stuff, a half-drunken bottle of coke on the coffee table, a half-watched football game, which already does exist in the story, might be commented on by the father so it sticks out to the reader. "Hey! It's fricken half time! You love football!" Whatnot.

Not crazy about the title.

This is a very good job. With a few more layers of artistry it could be excellent.

Stephen Brown (Level 5)

This was nicely written and it was an interesting story.

I'd have liked to have seen what had actually happened though as there were a few unanswered questions.

Cool stuff though.

Stina Carlstedt (Level 3)

It's a cool premise, and I liked your main character Josh a lot, I got a really strong sense of him and the scene between him and Angela in the attic was especially nicely written. But it felt like your story would have needed more space to develop, that the 5 page limit really was a constraint. I think you could have benefited from cutting the character of Rebecca who doesn't really serve the story (if you make Angela Mark's sister you could have him make the call looking for her) Also, make more of Joash pulling the slime out of nowhere as it set up what's to come. I liked the format, where you end the piece midway into the narrative.

Tom Peterson (Level 3)

I liked this, but the ending felt incomplete. The connection was hard to make between his ability to make the candle fade in and out and his desire and then inability to make Angela fade in and out. Right off hand, I’m not sure I can suggest a fix. I like your writing style; everything was easy to see in my minds eye. It was only that connection. Good luck!

Tony Oldham (Level 4)

There was alot going here. Overall, I think the basic style of writing is good. I think there are some places where puntuation would aid the flow of the script. You sometimes write in long descriptive clauses e.g on P1, you write "as the van pulls away. . ." this whole clause is long and doesn't quite flow off the tongue as a script needs to. I would suggest using conjunctions only once, or at least adding punctuation to give the reader time to breath and let your words sink in.

Storywise, nothing to exciting, but it does work. a sentimental scene that may work well within a longer piece, but it doesn't quite hook you to pull you into the story.

Travis DeStein (Level 5)

I liked the magician stuff. The mysterious beginning made me keep reading. The ending was cute, too.

William Coleman (Level 5)

I had a hard time finding any sense of direction in your script. Each character has an individually, but I found its indirection confusing - and usually, I'm not a person who is easily confused. I needed a few more specifics. Mind you, I love the indirection and vagaries of a Pinter. I like mystery, and dislike things that are too spelled out. However. you didn't find a way to grab me, to make me trust you as you took me places I didn't quite understand. You have real talent, sensitivity and a sense of place and people. Sorry, but this one missed the mark for me.

Comments Made After the Contest