Comments Made During the Contest

Ali Barr (Level 4)

They made a rabbit who glowed and when people got angry, they let it go.

We need to crank this story up a few notches! The audience needs to see Alba doing something that endears her to them. Make us care about that rabbit. She is still removed from us and comes across as simply a specimen. Maybe cut out a little (VO) and replace it with a scene of Meghan with Alba in a happy time and then the turmoil of a father having to break his daughter's heart when she races after him to stop him from setting the rabbit free. Tears and drama. They say conflict is drama so we just need to SHOW some more of it in this story.

Same story, more visual approach.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

Pretty good story. Interesting concept of an artist using living creatures as his medium. Some of the dialogue is a bit bulky and should probably be broken up. Overall this was an enjoyable read.

Bryan Mora (Level 4)

No fair! You used bunnies to hop their way into my heart! That's cheating.

Anyway, floppy bunnies aside, this was cute. A nice tale for the kids. Good job.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

I love this a great deal. I do like things that are gentle and underplayed. To me, far too many MP scripts are violent and use blood and gore as a substitute for real human emotion.

The only thing that slightly bothers me is, perhaps, but I might change my mind, possible over-use of VO and OS...

Wonderful!

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus)

This had a really nice story feel to it.

Very well written with an interesting concept behind it. Like the "fashion" science direction.

It's a bit slow in a few places and I was wondering why the child had not seen the glowing bunnies in the back yard before having them pointed out to her (first night at Grandpa's?) Still, didn't slow this one down much, thought that overall you did a very good job.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

Fantastic story. This was truly a pleasure to read. It was a lovely Sci-Fi Fable.

Your craft is excellent. Your descriptions are poetic (my highest compliment). Normally, I get worried when I see Voice Over narration, but given the fairy tale like quality of this story I thought it worked perfectly.

Lastly, the final image, of the bunnies hopping in the night is magical.

Very well done.

Dan Delgado (Level 5)

I gave this one a 4.

An original story and it's complete. I liked the images and the three-generation, family tie-in.

Has a nice flow to it and is easy to read. Action and dialogue are both light and quick.

One thing that took me out of the story was the sentence: "The men continue to speak MOS". I have no idea what that means.

Nice to read a story this month where someone doesn't get offed.

Dan Lennox (Level 5)

Decent story on such a topical subject. Everything seemed to flow nicely, but I was hoping to see some more conflict somewhere other than that from the demonstrators. It's just that this story didn't really trigger any "Primal" human urge that could have been used to create a more compelling story. Other than that, it's a nice story about glowing green bunnies...

Dusty Fincher (Level 3)

I really do like the idea behind the script. What is art and can be expanded on in such a way? It's a great question. I liked that it was a story passed down and I liked the wonderment of the granddaughter and the imagery in the end with the glowing green hopping children of Alba. Technically, everything looked fine to me (not that I'm an expert or anything). I guess the only thing is is that the story didn't quite grab me totally. I can't quite put my finger on why. It does do what good science fiction does, it raises questions and allows the audience to ponder them, so I think overall, you did a fine job. Maybe it's just my personal taste or whatever and others will enjoy it even more.

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

Abomination, or art? I liked that. I would've liked a little more tension, conflict of some sort. Other than that, I thought this was Good.

Ian Cowell (Level 2)

This started off well, and the Transgenic Art idea grabbed my interest, but I was expecting something more dramatic to happen and was deflated when it didn't. The ending didn't come as much of a surprise.

John Brooke (Level 5)

Green Glow the rushes Ho! Green seems to be the color of choice for Sci-Fi writers. Lot of showing makes this script easy to translate into a film. This is a wholesome creative tale for the whole family to enjoy. However, there is an unmentioned frightening side effect of playing around with Mother Nature. Those sweet furry green-eyed monsters will breed like rabbits. They will overrun the entire planet? Shades of Australia and myxomatosis. Shiver. Sorry I digress, you have constructed an original adaptation and executed it creatively. The title honors the true; Alba being the name of the famous genetically modified “glowing” rabbit work of art by Eduardo Kac, in France. Good screenplay.

Jose Batista (Level 5)

What a cool story. I can imagine some 50-100 years from now the federal government making a protected reserve out of Grandpa Ivan’s land. The story is short and sweet, but at the same time it explores the seriousness of this type of technology and the manner in which it will be received by the masses. I think this script was right on in that regard. Well written and with a smooth V.O. dialogue, I was picturing the glowing green rabbit I my head the whole time. An excellent job

Justin Miller (Level 1)

Nice work here! I'm absolutely tickled by the idea of transgenic art, though I wont lie, after failing my drosophila fruit fly lab in high school your allusion to it gave me the shivers. But that's a problem of mine about a piece where I find very few existent, though you do call KELLY a 'he' once. ALBA's name is perfect - the dawn of a new kind of art, making me green with envy. I liked your choice of a rabbit as IVAN's canvas as well. How could something so fluffy, docile, and with a bit of a magical background cause so much uproar? Fantastic.

Kathleen Clevenger (Level 4)

I like your story idea, and I thought you told your story in a very visually stimulating way. Nice job with the voice over and revealing that she is telling the story to her daughter.

Most of your descriptions were great, but I was wondering how we knew the jelly fish is the Aequorea victoria? Is it labeled? If so, you might want to write that instead of just telling us.

I think creating a log line instead of "BACK TO THE PHOTO ALBUM" might make it easier for me to figure out where we are.

I thought your dialogue was very natural.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

I recently read "Next" by Crichton and this story would have fit into it very nicely. Good researching your subject. You gave us just enough science to explain, too.

In the real world a glowing rabbit wouldn't last very long. Not with owls and hawks and such out there with them. It would be interesting to see a rewrite with an ending that took that into account...

Nice work.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

Very sweet story. Especially the end. Very nice writing, easy to read. I just zipped through the story.

I don't think any artist would appreciate Dimitri's comment "Should we continue to paint on the walls of caves forever?" - That comment struck me as closed minded, especially coming from someone as smart as Dimitri. I don't think Picasso, Warhol or Dahli ever painted on the walls of caves. To me the comment came off as insulting to artists.

I did like the visuals at the end. Actually, as Meghan was telling Kelly the story I was hoping that's how it would end. Very good job. :)

Matias Caruso (Level 5)

DNA art is very cool idea. I really enjoyed this one.

I’d only suggest to raise the conflict a bit, make your characters sweat a bit more for their happy ending.

The introduction of the conflict was interesting but the resolution was a bit weak. They just let the rabbit go, and problem solved. I never felt like any of the characters had a strong inner conflict or hard decision to make.

Anyway, the premise was clever and the read was enjoyable. Giving it a good.

Michael Rome (Level 4)

Very sweet, very well told. Would have also have been a nice entry for the 'Family' genre month.

The only weakness I see is that glow-in-the dark bunnies would have all been eaten when young by noctornal predators, but hey, this is science fiction/fantasy.

Wonderful job.

Paul Jaworsky (Level 4)

A nice little tail, um I mean tale. I liked your take as far as the sci-fi was concerned. I also liked the way you portrayed society depicting Alba as an abomination. That’s what I’d expect to happen. Your story flowed nicely and the action lines were very good. I also liked the dialogue and found it to be very realistic. I did feel there was an extensive use of VO, but you seemed to make it work. I loved the ending, rather happy and promising. Well done.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

I like the style in which the story is structured and how it unfolds. It's basically Meghan telling this tale to Kelly and us, covering a span of time. It ended beautifully, but maybe just a tad flat.

Now that I've read all the scripts, this is in my top three, good job all around!

Pia Cook (Level 5)

This was interesting to me because one of my neighbors (a scientist) did a lot of research and tests on this. She made fish that would glow when they were hungry...

This was a nice cute story. The V.O worked well and did not interfere with the rest of the script.

I liked that the woods were full of Alba's glowing babies. My only thought was that it would be very irresponsible to let out rabbits in the woods that are glowing. They are prey to begin with, but when glowing too it's almost like putting up a neon sign saying the diner is open.

Good job and good luck with it. :-)

Rustom Irani (Moderator)

Dimitri was a very intriguing character therefore letting him go halfway through the script made me miss him.

The VO has a nice reveal in the climax and I liked your use of the technique in the story.

The scene with the lab director could work better if intercut with Dimitri's talk show and that way you can keep Dimitri longer as well.

No other complaints. I like the concept and the resolution and the sci-fi is simple yet intriguing.

Keep up the good work.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

Well I was pleasantly surprised with this story. I thought it would be pretty clinical, and it turned out to be so sweet and tender. I really enjoyed how it unfolded.

I thought the use of voice over was good. I know that voice over is frowned on, but I really do love a movie with a character talking over the story.

I did like the fact that Meghan was reading to her daughter and that the tie in was that Ivan was her father. Also the letting go of Alba when Meghan was a child, and then having Kelly go out into the field, was a really nice juxtaposition.

Your pacing was good, and your dialogue very well written. I've not read too many so far this month, but I think this one will remain a favorite throughout.

Nicely done.
Title Good
Concept Good
Story Very Good
Dialogue Very Good
Characters Very Good

Stephen Brown (Level 5)

This was very skillfully written and the story was quite interesting.

It was an interesting way of telling the story -- through a story being told to another character.

Nice ending but lacked a little conflict for my taste.

Stephen O'Reilly (Level 1)

This had a really nice flow to it and I liked the ending, could definitely see it as one of the less scary tales in a twilight zone series

Stina Carlstedt (Level 3)

A nice driving pace throughout the story, and I think an accurate rendition of what would happen in the world today.
I get that you need the fluorescent light at the end of he pice for the visual -- which is great -- but 'd have liked someothing more controversial for the art installation than this (it's been done I think ,with mice, and compared to making a ear grow out of something's back....) There is an interesting discussion about art vs science which doesn't really develop. I'd have made the timespan a bit less than 20 years -- presumably in that time the'd be knee depp in green rabbits and someof them would have made it out of the woods.

Teo Gonzalez (Level 4)

This is a nice story. It could perhaps benefit from a little rework in the dialogue.

William Dunbar (Level 5)

This is a nice, cute little story. Sort of a nice little fantasy that would work as a family film if not for the F-bomb. One problem with a lot of SF stories is you start thinking about why the SF elements wouldn't work. In this case, I think it's because the rabbits would have been eaten by owls (they'd be pretty easy to see). Good job overall. Nice and easy to read.

Comments Made After the Contest

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus) ~ 10/1/2008 12:21 AM

Nice tale, Robert, enjoyed this one.

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 10/1/2008 12:33 AM

This was totally one of my favorites this month. Phenomenal first entry.

I hope I get to read more of your stories.

Pia Cook (Level 5) ~ 10/1/2008 6:09 AM

You did good Bert.
Now you have to start thinking about the next one!
This can get addictive and we got to do something about Z!! ;D

Matias Caruso (Level 5) ~ 10/1/2008 10:26 AM

Not bad for a Newcomer, haha.

I really liked the concept. Very clever.

Pia, you wanna have some beers with me? 'Cause there's someone we know that owes me some, hehe.

:)

Robert Newcomer (Level 4) ~ 10/1/2008 10:56 AM

Yeah, Z, Pia is invited, too. Guess I should have known better than to mess with the master. How the $#@* you keep doing that is just beyond me.

Anyways, I appreciate the comments, and did have fun with my first MP entry. I was kind of worried about how such a quiet story would be received, and I am happy that most readers appreciated the tale.

I was impressed that one reader recognized that much of this was based on real events:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alba_(rabbit)

What is also drawn from real life is that the professor (Ivan) simply ended the controversy by stating that Alba had passed away. But he never produced a body.

The ending to this story was just kind of imagining what actually might have happened.

In response to one frequent comment, I am not so sure she would have been eaten. I think most predators would instinctively avoid something so out of the ordinary.

But yeah, she might have been rabbit chow, too. I don't know.

Robert Newcomer (Level 4) ~ 10/1/2008 11:00 AM

Actually, maybe a picture would be more interesting.

www.conncoll.edu/ccacad/zimmer/GFP-ww/images/alba2.jpg

And technically, it was only under black lights that she appeared this way. Most pictures you will find have been augmented.

John Brooke (Level 5) ~ 10/1/2008 5:38 PM

2. Yes, Robert, I enjoyed reading about Alba years ago. Your screenplay brought back to me the whole bizarre scenario of tampering with nature to make mutated art.