Comments Made During the Contest

Adam Grage (Level 4)

Cute story. Not a real engaging story because it was so simple, but still nice. I like the use of the element that was used well in the story. I would eliminate the cut to's they aren't needed. The spacing also seems abit off too.

I might suggest finding something more to bring the characters out more because right now they are too generic. A decent story though.

Ashley Croft (Level 3)

Loved it, really kinda a simple but touching love story. I relate so much to it, I'm always walking down w. 78 from the Barnes and Noble, at night and waiting for a man to escort me down the street. Then I jump on the downtown D, hehe and the same chinese man comes around with flashing toys...very, New York thing. I loved the writing style, the closeness in it and how warm and fuzzy it made me feel. Great twist on the element by the way.

Audrey Webb (Level 5)

It's a sweet love story, and I'm sure you've gotten a lot of comments now about formatting, so I'll cancel my thoughts on that. I like that your characters are complete, and that there's a wonderful reason for them to be together. This feels over all more like a scene from a bigger movie, in that there wasn't a strong enough ending. Perhaps if you think about it, you'll come up with an idea for a slightly longer script involving the same characters.

Well done.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

The story was solid, although I don't think the elderly woman was necessary at all. It could have just been Valeria's purse that got stolen to begin with. There were some pretty thick descriptive paragraphs that could stand to be trimmed down or broken up to give the script a better flow. The characters need better introductions that just their age. Overall, this was a pretty solid story that could just use a little polish. Nice work.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

Scene headings seemed to me to be a bit unwieldy. Is all that detail of street names really necessary? Wouldn't Manhattan do?

Your action descriptions slow down the feeling of action - try to be more concise to make the whole thing move along.

"Seconds later she hears an OLD LADY screaming. The young men have just knocked an old lady down and stole her purse. Valeria runs to the old lady, cell phone in hand dialling 911"

See what I mean? Apart from which, you've used the phrase 'old lady' three times in two lines.

In any case - keep action to three or four lines at the most. It's hard on the eye to read great blocks of text and the inclination is not to bother.

I don't think you need the SUPER translating - it's obvious what the lady is saying even if you don't speak Spanish.

The conversations between Valeria and Vinnie seems stilted and unnatural (on the nose) and didn't give them any depth of character or get me engaged in them.

I liked the idea of the pendants, (good use of the title) but it did seem to be tacked on to the end of your story which was a regular boy meets girl tale. Although you put the drama of the handbag snatch in, there was no drama in the relationship between Vinnie and Valeria.

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus)

Interesting piece, but it seems a bit long-winded. Think you can cut down on your descriptions and tighten up the whole piece.

Not too crazy about the "streets can be dangerous" line that is repeated throughout. It's not really funny and the fact that the characters find it so repeatedly makes them seem a bit simple.

Think you really need to tighten up the montage. They toast, then they have a drink and get to know each other (how do you show this), she laughs at his sharp wit and humor (are you as the writer going to come up with the lines to illustrate this or must the director find an actor with naturally sharp wit and humor who will convey it on the screen?)...

The ending was a bit anti-climatic, you could see where they were headed but nothing really happened when they got there (he just repeats his non-funny line). Think you should work on a more satisfying ending and better incorporation of the Neodymium into the script.

Good luck.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

This is another very sweet love story.

I like the characters and opening with a robbery is a great way to start.

After that though, the story slows down. Two suggestions, every story needs conflict (even if it's comic), and yours has none after the first scene. Try to find away to add some more tension in those later scenes. Second, your dialogue is a little cliche, with the characters saying exactly what they think and feel. Try to work with a little more subtext.

I think if you can do those two things, it will really help improve this story a lot.

David Birch (Level 5)

some things to like here...good sense of nyc...should try to tighten up the "action" blocks to make the read flow more...dialogue was a little "forced"...would have preferred a stroll along the waterfront as opposed to the "club scene"...but overall a good effort...xie xie!

David Frye (Level 1)

Well written, with great formatting, which made it a very easy and enjoyable read. I caught myself beaming, as Vinnie and Valeria flirted back and forth. As a reader, you brought me into your world. The only really critical comment I have is maybe describe our world to us a little bit more? For instance, if I have never seen Manhattan how would I know what it looks like, how it smells, what it sounds like, etc. Anyways, most people do know what Manhattan is like, and it wasn't a deal breaker for me. I thought the script was special, and hit on all the right areas.

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

The CUT TO's in your script are not necessary. This is an outdated format.

Page 2: "Seconds later she hears an OLD LADY screaming." Check words that end with ING and see if they can be edited to make the script read faster. The following works better, makes the sentence more active: "Seconds later she hears an OLD LADY scream." Another similar example is on page three: "She sits tearfully, clutching her person tightly." Consider something like: "She clutches her person and wipes a tear from her cheek."

Page 2: When Vinnie and the punks fight, don't give a blow-by-blow. Someone else will choreograph the fight. All you, as the screenwriter, need to do is let us know there is a fight.

Be wary of long paragraphs. In my writing, I look at any paragraphs that are longer than four lines. I try to edit the longer paragraph down, or break it into two or three paragraphs. Strive for lots of white space in your screenplays.

You only need one FADE IN in a script, at the beginning.

Joel Davis (Level 5)

I liked the Neodymium magnet in the pendant. Good way to work the element into the story. I was hoping for a more unexpected payoff. By the time she invites him for drinks, the reader is starting to expect that they will fall for each other. You do a great show showing that, but it feels predictable.

For the montage, I'm assuming it's MOS (without sound), all of those moments would look very similar on camera. Talking, drinking laughing. Instead, have a few little bits of acting, i.e. he takes the carnation from the table and put it in her lapel, he spills crumbs on his jacket and she brushes them away, etc..

Some technical notes:

You're squeezing too much into the description. You've got a page worth of action in the first block of text. Somewhat forgivable given the 5 page limit but that's pushing it. A lot of the descriptive text is really good but not needed - for example, great descriptions of the sports bar, but since we know it's a sports bar from the slugline, you don't need to describe it unless there is something unusual about it.

For the spanish text, you can just write (Spanish, subtitled) as a parenthetical.

Overall, good effort and strong writing, but if I have to sum it up: "less is more".

John Brooke (Level 5)

Strong urbane and smooth like a properly shaken Manhattan cocktail.

I enjoyed the lack of gratuitous violence and gruesome close up detail. I was astonished as Valeria was to discover that despite the majority of stories circulating, that there are still Heroes in this World.

The Chinese Vender peddling the split heart that locks into one when the two halves are attracted by the irresistible force of the neodymium magnet, seemed as artificial to me as my attempt at explaining it.

The two part heart is a good creative concept, but it’s fortuitous timing in your screen play needs some massaging to bring it up to the high level of the rest of this otherwise seamless love story.

Kirk White (Level 5)

There's not a whole heck of a lot I can say to this one. Very well done. My only real critique is that I felt a couple of more passes could really streamline your action/description lines...clear off a little black from the page and make it read faster...better pace. The "These streets can be dangerous" bit doesn't work as well as you think the second time...

Giving a very good...this is a solid script.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

Good use of a little-known element.

The title page is not actually page 1. And the actual page one (the first page of script) does not have to have a page number listed. You also do not need to use the "Cut to:" transition at every cut. It's an understood transition from scene to scene, unless you want to spice things up with a "fade out slow" or something.

"Her beauty garners remarks..." You should probably write out what the men say, rather than let the actors ad lib from nothing since the actors need to know if they are supposed to be lewd or polite, worshipful or crass. One or two lines of dialogue lets us know immediately.

You include a slugline ("moments later") in the action line. I also found it odd that Vinnie repeats the line about the streets being dangerous. By using the line a second time, you set up something that never happened, namely, they get attacked at the end of the script. The last action line, which is supposed to be the payoff, fails because the viewer can't read it.

Lewayne White (Level 4)

Creative use of the theme. Good story.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

This is a quietly fun and very sweet story.

Cut the FADE INs and FADE TO BLACKs. Those are for later versions of your script. Right now you want to concentrate on telling/selling your story. Your action sections are long. They should be kept to 3 or 4 lines each. Your page numbers are off because you counted the title page. Your script looks like it was scanned into a computer rather than typed into one.

You might want to think about investing in a script writing program. Check through the past threads for the pros and cons of that idea and what the options are if you decide to get one. Your format is pretty good as it is, though. Just a suggestion. If you do Christmas and/or birthdays you might put it on your wish list.

Good work.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

This was a cute story. I loved how the necklaces were drawn together just like Vinnie and Valeria.

I do think this story could be shortened though. You probably could have told it in 3 pages. There were a couple scenes that didn't add anything to the story and there was also a lot of extra info that didn't push your story forward.

Sometimes you have to be ruthless with your work and even though you may love a scene, if you realize it doesn't add anything, cut it out. Once you learn how to do that the heart of your story will really stand out.

Keep writing!!

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

"I'm headed to Blondie's… before all this happened" should be "I was headed to Blondie's…"

I'm not sure if a montage's shots are listed as a), b), etc. You'll have to go on someone else's advice. All I knew is that it looked strange to me...

"These streets can be dangerous at night." Is this a deliberate repetition? Even though plenty of time may have passed for the characters, for the audience it still hasn't been that long since he said it originally. An audience watching the film also won't get the repetition of it at the end. Maybe if he murmured it to himself it would make more sense?

Otherwise it was really good.

Martin Lancaster (Level 4)

I didn't like this at first but it grew on me as the story went on. It's fairly conventional as love stories go but it had a certain charm to it.

Nice work

Matias Caruso (Level 5)

I must admit I’m far from being an expert in the genre, but IMHO, love stories need two essential elements:

1) You establish that the lovers are perfect for each other, so the audience will be rooting for them to get together.

2) You throw obstacles into the lovers’ way. They want to be together but can’t. Because their families are bitter enemies (Romeo & Juliet), because they’re on a sinking ship (Titanic), or whatever.

It’s the lovers’ struggle to overcome the obstacles where the dramatic tension (and story) lies.

You kinda did a good job with “1”, but “2” is completely missing.

Your lovers meet in page number 2 and from then on things get better and better for them. If you wish to hook the reader, things should get worse.

Good luck.

Matthew Phillips (Level 4)

You know this is written fine format-wise. I can't say much about that. However, I feel like this is too predictable. I see it as a simple love story, but it seems like I've heard it before. It's just too easy. The chemistry between the lovers is only there from proximity (of the circumstance). The montage is not enough to show a valuable chemistry between them, it's an easy out for the writer. I'd like to see the actual chemistry between the characters. What will draw them back together?

Melissa Mitchell (Level 4)

Solid beginning idea, but the conflict is a bit lacking once the old lady is saved from the mugger. There is no tension after they meet. When Valeria's friends aren't at Blondie's, oh well, the story keeps going without changing direction. Then Vincent buys the heart and gives Valeria half, no conflict. Love stories are some of the hardest to write because they require a plausible conflict to keep the characters apart that can be resolved so that the two characters end up together believably.

Michael Cornetto (Level 5)

I think the main issue I had with this script was that there was no conflict between the two main characters - they met, went out on a date, and said goodnight. That's a nice premise but it's very boring.

Oh wait! There was the Chinese tout. He tried to sell them things! Ipods! Hardly dramatic.

The only conflict was in the beginning with the thief, if you had carried that through somehow then this would have been a much more interesting script. What if they got mugged during their date? What if the mugger tried to take the heart necklace?

Carry through the themes you set up and you have something - let them drop and all your left with is half a necklace.

Mike Cobb (Level 2)

Hmmm some issues I had with this one. First off basic formating issues. Lots of paragraphs of description, chop those down or atleast seperate those every 2 lines or so. Also, beacause to me romanitc dialogue is so hard to write right without being cheesy I just don't think you pulled it off right. There's too much of that cringing dialogue that just comes of so unrealistic when the two characters meet eachother. Maybe try to give the two characters alittle more personality, because the two main people just come pretty cardboard cutouts. Another issue I had was the chinese subway driver lol, that was just not neccessary to have a character like that. Well, so overall keep writing:)

Mike Dominguez (Level 3)

Very nice use of the element in your story. As far as the plot, I think there needed to be more tension in the relationship, or have them overcome some sort of problem. Things just fell into place way too easily. You start off with a conflict, but even this is just used to bring the two together and is not directed at either of them. I think you needed to put the two characters at odds at some point, and them have reconcile at the end - perhaps the necklace could be what earns her back for Vinnie, instead of it just capping off a wonderful night.

A critique on the writing - try to keep it in the present tense. Instead of,
"The young men have just knocked an old lady down and stole her purse", I would write "She turns to see the old woman on the ground and the young men dashing away with her purse."

Also, this is awkwardly written:
"Moments later the Police drive away. The old lady is being given a lift home. She waves goodbye as Officer Mayra Delaine aids her into the backseat."

Maybe I'm misreading it, but the order of events seems to be off. I would write "Moments later, the old woman waves goodbye as Officer Mayra Delaine aids her into the backseat of a police car. After getting her settled, the car pulls away."

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

Good script, good dialogue, sweet little romantic story but lacked originality for me.

Neal Barringer (Level 0)

what's with the blotchy look of these pages? did you scan it into a pdf file? I liken that to printing the screenplay with a tractor-fed, dot-matrix printer. then, bursting the pages and ripping off the tractor-feed margins. this leaves a rough edge contrary to the smooth edges that producers expect.
with that distraction out of the way, I will now focus on comments about the story:
long paragraphs. need to be broken-up. think about the shot each sentence represents. start a new paragraph for every new shot.
spacing between dialogue sections seems to be way off. need to double space.
basically, when you fix the issues I've pointed out, you have a script that is longer than 5 pages. that doesn't fit the requirements of this challenge.
to make room for the story, write the dialogue more concisely. eliminate extraneous speech that doesn't move the story forward. this includes police that pull up telling thiefs to "put their hands up." if you need police, just show them in the next scene. I think it's best to eliminate them all together. can just go to where Vinnie asks the old lady is she's okay. transition to Vinnie being bold. and, the romance is started with much fewer words.
I'll let you finish economizing starting from the Sports Bar scene.
I was wondering how you would include the chemical element in the script. I like the way you did it. It explained the element while showing some action.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

Excellent use of the element in this straight-forward, happy ending story of two people meeting for the first time. A little light on conflict though, pretty much everything goes right on this night for Vinnie. Some of the dialogue felt unnatural, not really the way people talk.

Try curtailing some of the descriptions, particularly the character actions, they got a little too detailed. This caused some of the narrative paragraphs to get a bit too long, looking clunky and slowing the read down.

Some formatting issues:

Simplify the sluglines. Just establish one time that we're in NYC, then regular sluglines- EXT. CITY STREET - NIGHT

Scene transitions aren't necessary.

Rich Keel (Level 4)

Not bad. Nice to see a straight forward story about two people meeting and everything happens to go perfect for them on their first date. This was a good story but nothing that showed me it could contend this month.

I think I need a break from reviewing. The whole love at first site idea is killing me :) Even though it was love at first site when I met my wife. There was still just some things that made it more memorable then going and sitting at a bar until last call. No one is as compased as that guy or as proper as that girl, so it made it feel so fake. Like they are too good looking people but it all seemed on the top. Nothing beneathe the surface.

I thought the beginning was good...but cheesy...if you follow. And then you knew right from when "she looked to long" it was going to be and happy ending. Which isn't bad...but I just thought there would be more than compliments and thank you's for the rest of the story.

I thought the guy was going to get killed since he said "The streets are dangerous..." Not that your story needed it for some reason it is what I expect here at MP. :)

Well good luck this month!

Rustom Irani (Moderator)

Why is it important for the location to be so precise in the slug? Is it because she calls emergency to come to that address? You still don't need that preciseness because an interested filmmaker might want to make this in his/her hometown and they'll get apprehensive and probably think that New York is an important location for the story.

You also have a tendency to condense a lot of events happening into a large paragraph.

The second paragraph on your first page, can be summed up in two lines.

Valeria's gorgeous look elicits cat calls from some young hoods.

She ignores them. An Old Lady's scream startles her. The hoods run with a purse.

Similarly,

After the lady thanks Vinnie, have her perform the action that'll tell us she admires his handsome looks. Does she caress his face, straighten his hair? She's done her part so you can have her given a ride home, or not.

The waitress is another cast member if you have her speaking dialog. Get rid of her. It'll save your director/producer budget worries and she isn't important to the plot anyway.

You describe the sports bar as Vinnie scans around. Again, most people have seen sports bars, so why spend time describing it.

You have a tendency to show everything the character might see, which can be good only if you stick to plot and motivation. Otherwise the audience is always seeing what appears on screen.

There's also a slight problem with your montage. a) and e) both have implied dialog. We wouldn't know they are toasting each other's heroism unless we hear 'em and we don't know if it is last call unless we hear the bartender. Or see him mouth those words.

You can have dialog in montages, it's okay.

This was a good love story but once they have dinner nothing much happens. It is just smooth sailing all the way to the end. No surprises or conflicts, or drama. You don't throw any surprises and then it gets even paced till the end.

The Chinese vendor could have been interesting instead of a caricature and could serve some drama if Valerie refused to have Vinnie pay him $50 for the pendant. That was a good opportunity to spice up some drama and tension.

You have a fine ear for dialog and most of it seemed natural and had great timing. The descriptions had to catch up to them.

You have one half of script-writing taken care of, now tweak your descriptions and join the two like a magnet.

Script on!

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

Good story, very sweet and enjoyable to read. I think you need to work a little on formatting, you've got a lot of very long action lines.

I did like your characters, I thought it might be more suitable to a longer script.. more like an opening scene, but it was pleasant to read and kept my interest.

I thought the Chinese vendor was a nice touch.

Good job.
Title Good
Story Good
Characters Good
Dialogue Good
Concept Good

Shane Shearer (Level 4)

Excellent work. This is the kind of script that gets bought instantly. A pretty little rom-com that had me blushing at the handsome princes witty remarks. I wouldn't purchase this movie for my collection, but if I was having a date over, rest assured, this would be rented. Afterwards, if her and I were to get serious, we'd always quote this movie and the "the streets can be dangerous" line. Perhaps even get a matching heart necklace.

You're an unstoppable force and you have a knack for on-screen chemistry. Continue the good work and I'm sure you'll be writing for the land of dreams in no time.

Stephen Brown (Level 5)

I think your choice of story, although it fits the challenge, was a bit tame. This was really just one of those things that happens all the time (apart from the mugging). Something more spectacular is needed I think for this to gain interest.

The script came across as quite cheesy and I think the reason for that is that noone really had any problems. These are just two people who meet up and get it on. The dialogue could really do with some work too...too nice.

It's well written but the story was a bit too bland.

Teo Gonzalez (Level 4)

It is an interesting story. The only thing I would change is the length of the descriptions. Sometimes they are too long and slow the reading.

Tommy Merry (Level 4)

Very cleverly executed. I think yours was the best reveal of the title/element used in the script that I've seen.

Nice symbolism, solid, believable dialog. All good stuff!

My only nit was this:
Was the very last line, "These streets can be dangerous at night", meant to be a thought in his head, a voice over, a spoken under the breath dialog etc? Wasn't sure as it was in an action block.

Very good!

Wes Worthing (Level 5)

My biggest complaint with this story is that the dialogue between Vinnie and Valeria is quite dull. Assuming the most colorful dialogue came during their time together at the bar, then you scooted past all of that with shots A through E. That was the "meat" of the story and we skipped over it. To convince me these two people are in love, or to have me wanting them to go out again, then I need more than introductions and "thank yous" and "goodbyes". If you clean up the unnecessary dialogue and action, you'll have plenty of space left for the good stuff. The scenario is awesome.

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus)

The formatting needs to be straightened out. It's a bit out of whack and makes the reading more difficult.

"...these streets can be dangerous at night..." is funny the first time, but soon gets old. Again, very solid the first time.

I wanted a bit more color from these two characters. While the chance heroic meeting is a great start, something more than the bar and friends would allow for better development, IMO.

Subway Vendor -- very nice touch.

William D. Prystauk (Level 5)

Sorry, but this needs a lot of work. First, different between the names "Valeria" and "Vinnie". Otherwise, watch screenplay structure with spacing and no "paragraphs" longer than four lines. There are also far too many details: we don't need to know the officer's complete name who helps the old lady, who cares if a pretty waitress walks by them, and will your montage have audio to let us know that they're toasting to their heroism or how witty Vinnie is? Save that for the novel.

Clean up the formatting, then proofread aloud and ditch all the extraneous detail, then you'll see what kind of story you truly have to work with.

Comments Made After the Contest

Jose Batista (Level 5) ~ 12/2/2008 2:22 PM

I had a feeling about the errors I made in this second script because I did the same errors in my first script. At least this time I understand alot more about what I did wrong and the things I can do and should do to produce a better script. I want to thank everyone who took the time to break it down for me. These comments have been printed and are going to be constantly referenced during my work on the December entry. So you all better look out, i'm gonna use your own teachings against you's...LOL!!!

Thanks again to all who commented and Happy Holidays.

Hafsah Mijinyawa (Level 2) ~ 12/2/2008 10:03 PM

Very well written story. I'm not a huge romance reader, but it was really sweet and cute, from the rescue to the dinner to the hook-up. I actually found the implied hook-up at the end a trifle unromantic and impersonal but that is probably just my own suppressed romantic idealism kicking in. Overall, this was a fun read, really good job!