Comments Made During the Contest

Ammar Salmi (Level 5)

I liked the story, The concept. The visuals were amazing. The dialogue was on the nose at some place like when they were talking about the marriage. You should made your characters deeper than this. Shape them out a bit more.

Good luck

Ashley Croft (Level 3)

Didn't connect with the story, I really wish you would've taken a less literal approach to the 'Neon' I mean, honestly you really didn't think others would use similar approaches? I wasn't really wowed.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

This was written very well, but the ending left me puzzled. What happened? Why'd the ride break on them? That part wasn't clear to me. Everything leading up to the end was solid though. Well written, nice pace, nice story. I was also a little confused as to who Leila desired, (Jonny or Salim) and who she was promised to marry (Salim or someone else completely that was never in the script.) I think those things could have been a little clearer, but all in all, this was an enjoyable script. Nice job.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

Your descriptions are beautiful. I love the way you use the fair ground and the neon lights as the backdrop and climax of this "Romeo and Juliet" story.

Your craft and characters are very good, but this story feels a little rushed. It's not clear to me who or why the machine has been sabotaged in the end. Is it a suicide or a vendetta. Either way, I'm not sure I believe it, even though I love the final iconic image. The two main characters are wonderful and I the dialogue between them is natural and layered.

I guess I just wish this story had a few more pages to unfold.

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

Character introductions confused me a little, close enough to see bodies sticking together, close enough to see Leila's face cloud in the first paragraph and then in the second she's a pakistani. It may just be me, but I don't like staggered intros. I like to get a complete mind's eye picture of the character from the first sentence.

What a brutal ending for what was set up to be an honor killing. Quite a bit of action and all, but I think more could have been said instead about the fateful relationship. I would have liked the story behind it all, that would have been more interesting and compelling. A Good job nonetheless.

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

Page 4: In a screenplay, all numbers should be written out (unless it is a date). "No. They mustn't see you. I'll meet you at 10." Should be "No. They mustn't see you. I'll meet you at ten."

Nice descriptions. Make sure your screenplays don't start reading like a novel.

I didn't understand the plot. But the writing was good and the writer has a very good grasp on the screenplay format.

John Brooke (Level 5)

I found your script packed with action and drama, comedy and pathos, all in only five brief pages. The idea of using the garish color and action of the Fairground was brilliant.

Your ironic line deleived by the Orbiter ride Operator: “Make the earth move for her, Romeo.” was perfect and pathetically prophetic for this “Romeo and Juliet” tragic film.

Johnny is as psychotic as her brother Rafig, Suicide for himself, murder for Leila.

Going in out in a blaze of neon, what a gas!

Jose Batista (Level 5)

Damn! it's a shame they had to end it like that. It's about the only thing I think may have been wrong with this script. The characters were as brilliant as the neon lights that shone in the fairgrounds. I wish johnny would've thought of a better ending for him and Leila. The connection with the element and the title was cool and dead on at the end. For me, the ending kept this from getting an excellent. True Love lives on someway, somehow. Very well written script, though.

Kirk White (Level 5)

I think the story telling is very nicely poetic...great images and solid characters. I wasn't satisfied with the ending. Although it looks great...basically the guy is killing her himself rather than letting her go or running away with her. that ain't romantic that's murder!

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

It appears that we weren't very original in picking elements! lol

Full of vivid imagery, nicely written. I had a lot of questions, though. Why did Leila return to the fairgrounds, and why did she expect to see Johnny there? Why was she so excited to ride on the Orbiter? Why did she agree to ride on the Orbiter when she could see Rafiq coming in the distance? Why the deus ex machina with the freak accident happening just then? It overshadowed the love story into a tragedy.

Laureen Muller (Level 4)

Good love story, sad ending, format okay but there were points where you described the dialog instead of formatting the dialog to be spoken. There were area where you, again describe the dialog and manner of which to speak as if you were writing a book and not a screen play. Dialog a little weak, good scene descriptions, a few tweaks in a re-write would make this a good story.

Loraine Mcbarron (Level 3)

It was a well written story but did little to move me even with its ending.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

This was well written and interesting. It's also very detailed and I could see the entire story as it played out.

I would have liked some foreshadowing that Johnny might choose the course he did, though. Something subtle but discernable. It was really out of the blue that he decided to kill himself, his love, and, possibly, innocent bystanders. Other than that one thing, your characters are individual and well developed.

Good work.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

Well this was a different kind of love story. I think Johnny loosened the seat so he and Leila would die together?

I had to go back to try and figure out why Salim and Rafiq got into such a violent fight. I think you need to make that situation a bit clearer.

I liked it although the end was pretty tragic. Like a Romeo and Juliet thing. :)

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

I liked the ending, although I'm a touch worried about glorifying suicides, especially that of young people. But, I guess that's up to you and what other people think about it. It was quite surprising.

"I know, Salim. But it's our way, isn't it? Family honour."
What's their way? I'd love to know more about this family tradition, and specifically why Rafiq is so insistent that they should apparently murder his sister.

Other than that it was good.

Martin Lancaster (Level 4)

Wow, I was really enjoying this but the ending's a real head scratcher.

You have an excellent writing style. Your script was a breeze to read. Interesting characters and subject matter but I'm really baffled by the way it ended. It was definitely unexpected but it didn't seem fitting.

You're a very good writer but this story didn't quite work for me.

EDIT: I came back at the end of the month and bumped this up to very good. I didn't like the ending at first but the final image stayed with me for the whole month. I just wish it was foreshadowed a little better.

Matias Caruso (Level 5)

Solid writing style here.

Not sure if I got the ending... Did Johnny sabotage the Orbiter? Was the final scene a premeditated suicide? Loved its symbolism though.

Very Good.

Michael Cornetto (Level 5)

I was very happy with this. Thought you had a great story going and your score was going up and up and then I got to the ending. While the first four pages were this excellent build into a love story the ending really let me down with it's illogical flight into a fanstastical tragic demise. It made no sense that the ride was being worked on especially when you set it up so that the operator was making the ride available just for them.

Mike Cobb (Level 2)

I really enjoyed this one:) I liked how through out the script you laid in a good amount of suspense which was very well done through out the story. The two leads where very well likeable and easy to sympathize with so no complaints there. No complaints with the dialogue either. The only problem I had was of course being hit with the massive desrcrption at the end lol. Not sure how to trim it down but definetly try to do that in future re-writes. Other then that very well done:)

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

A beautifully written piece, I have no suggestions on making this better. I liked it enormously, it touches on an interesting cultural topic in a clever way and brings the characters vividly to life. I alo really felt like I was at the fairground.

Well done.

Neal Barringer (Level 0)

I like your visuals. I could see every detail in my mind's eye.
From the start, I felt this piece bordered on prose. Towards the middle it took on the classic screenwriting style. then, switched back to prose.
alot of telling that should be showing, i.e. "two men sprinting towards here, shouting her name." "Salim... hurries into the fair, calling Leila's name." "Salim arrives. He calls out."
overall, I couldn't tell what was at stake. who was the protagonist? who was the antagonist? who should I root for? I didn't even understand why Salim and Rafiq were fighting.
I did like the way you tied the title element in with the story.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

Sentimental tale, the conclusion added some freshness to the well-trodded arrainged-marriage-stifling-true-love storyline.

I had to re-read the final few lines. Is it left up to our imagination? Are they magically transported to Miami? I hope it's not literal, that these two really flew through the air, crashing into the Miami Trip ride in some sort of semi-subliminal double-suicide, but I don't think it's that.

Very good screenwriting, there's a lot of narrative, but it never gets clumped up in large, black blocks. Formatted correctly, didn't detect any typos.

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

There are some potent visual elements in this script. It started strong but got muddled in the middle and I didn't feel satisfied by the ending. Johnny and Leila and Salim and Rafiq were nicely introduced and the ticking clock toward the climax was set up neatly. When Johnny goes off by himself and Leila, Salim and Rafiq have the scene back at the town house, I got confused as to what was happening. Even more so, the Miami trip references on the last page seemed to come from no where and without any build-up, left no emotional impact when the ending was played out. I would have preferred to see if Leila did in fact fly out the next day rather than have the orchestrated ride climax. Still, some of the visual elements here were dramatic, well-written and would be stunning on the screen.

Rustom Irani (Moderator)

Loved the setting of the fair and Pakistan. Nice job. I'm familiar with the description of the setting and therefore find it all the more enjoyable

You've some lovely characters with precise motivations for each and the diaog's are adequate.

I'd say however, that your wonderful descriptions and actions actually take the show here. We are lost in the lights and the noise that bombard our senses. For a script like this it needs a few more pages.

Right now the idea that Leila is actually going to be flown away to be married to another Pakistani or Muslim, is actually a bit lost and did confuse me.

Also Johnny withdrawing British currency from a Pakistani ATM threw me off as well.

This was modern and charming and fascinating. Spread it a bit, if the special effects people can pull off the final sequence you will have a winner on your hands.

Script away!

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

I gave this a very good. I thought you did a very nice job with this story. It seems BIG, for five pages, which is good. I liked the characters and you used the title and the neon very well. This would be a good solid short film

Your characters were true to themselves, and well written. I felt drawn into your story and even though it might be a little far fetched that they were able to disable the ride like that, it still works imho.

Nice job
Concept Very Good
Characters Very Good
Title Good
Story Very Good
Dialogue Very Good

Sasha Clancy (Level 4)

An interesting take on the typical Romeo and Juliet story. Murder and suicide with a moral tale. I like it. I like your descriptions. Very crisp and vivid. I think this story could be tightened up, though. You have some things going on that don't relate directly to the story IMHO. I think the relationship between Salim and Leila needs more exploration. There has to be a reason that he's bucking his culture but there's no hint of it here. To take that major step, there should be some explaination.

Shane Shearer (Level 4)

Truly engaging, enthralling and countless other "en" words. I was mesmerized by the lyrical poetry of your showing, rather than telling. At first I was under the impression the lovers were going to run away somewhere. I realize now that this is a modern day Romeo and Juliet. Great setting, with the carnival and out in the country.

Spencer McDonald (Level 4)

The story seemed to be about two people in love and one other not happy with that fact. Seemed very hard to follow for me. Maybe its just my simple mind that could not wrap around this story. Loved all the images of neon everywhere, however.

In my opinion, the writing style was too terse for me. The descriptions seemed trimmed too much and as such caused me to think the character were doing things in super fast pace sometimes. Does that make any sense at all? I say this, because at a point in the past I too tried writing in this style and my descriptions were probably even more terse than yours. I can see the forest when I step away.

One last thought, if you are going to use words, I suggest using simple words. You write gesticulating and probably could have used a word that is simpler and doesn't pull an audience member like myself away from reading your script to go find out what I was pondering on.

Any, it was good for me.

Stephen Brown (Level 5)

This was pretty good. The whole dual suicide is a little old though. The characters were all a little stereotypical, I'd have liked something more to them.

It was well written and you had some good visuals but the story was lacking. The deep love didn't really come across and that led to the ending feeling a little off.

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

Good premise, the basic Romeo & Juliet story. Tragic.

It was off to a slow start (the first line is "what") - nothing really happening on page one except two couples talking, Salim says "we're wasting time" here and I agree with him. I suggest getting rid of everything on page one, start with the boy & girl on page two - now you have my attention and something dramatic is happening to the lovers.

The set-up for the ending could also be stronger; like have the lovers promise each other they'd rather die.

Teo Gonzalez (Level 4)

A very intense story. I find the description to be too long. They are not bad, just too long. I think that making them a bit more concise would help the reading significantly.

Tommy Merry (Level 4)

That was an exhilarating read.

Young love, suicide, going down in a blaze of glory.

GREAT use of the Element/TItle. I don't have anything to criticize, it was well formated
and great tension builder.

Excellent work!

Travis DeStein (Level 5)

This started out really good and was doing great until the end. We never really know how hardcore or intense or serious Rafiq/Salim really are so the ending came as a pretty awkward surprise for me. A scene showing how seriously Rafiq/Salim wanted to kill them or how utterly impossible to escape their predicament was supposed to be would make it a little less unbelievable.

Wes Worthing (Level 5)

The highlight of this story is the tension and suspence that you create. It wasn't until the bottom of page 3 that I find out that they've been talking about a marriage. It would have been even better to not find out until on page 5. The weak part of this story is the expositional dialogue. For example:

RAFIQ
We have no time. The flight's
booked for tomorrow night.


SALIM
But she's our kid sister, Rafiq.
Surely we won't--?

Salim and Rafiq are telling each other things they both already know. It would make more sense to have this information come from Leila and Johnny.

You mention Leila's beauty more than once and it has no bearing on the story itself. If her beauty is not the main focus or drive of the story, then let the director decide if he/she wants a beautiful or homely actress to play the part.

Creative ending. I like the ending's set-up better than the actual last scene, because I'm thinking something magical is going to happen and instead we get a "suicide/murder--I no longer like these characters ending". Creative story with great pacing.

William Coleman (Level 5)

This is the kind of story that needs to be told. We forget how restrictive some cultures can be. There are "star-crossed lovers' i at every time in history and even now. It is a universal theme, and you keep it that way by not getting too specific bout the religion/family codes involved. We accept tme as the basis of your story. Sadly, most will take generations to change their attitudes. Your story is clearly and sensitively told. The lovers are treated with taste and restraint. the cross-cutting works beautifully and build s suspense and tension. The dialog is natural and not specifically ethnic. This aids in the universality of this piece. The best thing is stating the dnager to Leila and Johnny right up front. It is a shadow over every scene following.

Fine work!

Comments Made After the Contest

Rustom Irani (Moderator) ~ 12/1/2008 1:36 AM

Wow! Unrecognizable and not your regular writing for sure.

Great job Caroline!

Martin Lancaster (Level 4) ~ 12/1/2008 2:37 AM

I had a feeling this was yours. As I said in my review, the ending stayed with me. I think this could work great as a slightly longer work.

Erich VonHeeder (Level 4) ~ 12/1/2008 11:52 AM

I didn't get to this one Caroline, but I really like it. The ending is kind of stunning...I found myself thinking "No wait...why did you do that!?!!"

But as I thought about it more I came to this conclusion: My expectation was that they would rendezvous at the fairground, and Johnny would have a plan for some great escape. And...really...he DID. It completely fulfilled my expectations, while totally ignoring them, and how great is THAT?!

I think the "blaze of glory" ending might have gone down a little easier for me if their outlook seemed bleaker...if they were a little more TRAPPED. I still felt like they could escape their fate, so I was panicked that Johnny was giving up, as compared to making a commitment. Does that make sense? Maybe not.

Anyhoo, I love your writing style. You have such a gift for creating FLAWED characters and I say that knowing that you will understand just how big a compliment that is.

Rustom Irani (Moderator) ~ 12/1/2008 11:54 AM

And here I thought the story was set in Pakistan. D'oh!

But I swear we have fairgrounds like the one you describe in India and Pakistan. :)

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5) ~ 12/1/2008 12:11 PM

Wow, all these reviews referred to a suicide! How did I not read that? I just re-read it now, and I guess I missed the boat.

Erich VonHeeder (Level 4) ~ 12/1/2008 12:38 PM

The story was actually set in Deer Park, Washington.
A little known town in the Northwestern United States where they spell "color" with a "u."

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5) ~ 6/29/2009 10:37 AM

Reads like an adaptation of Leili and Majnun (Persian) or Majnun Leila (Arabic). Your choice of the name - "Leila" - I wonder if that's a coincidence.

And I know some may relate it to Romeo and Juliet, I did too.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus) ~ 6/29/2009 10:44 AM

Thanks Khamanna - funny thing - I hadn't looked at Neon for ages until today - then a director wanted examples of my work so I read through it. Now your comment. Spooky, eh?

(In the end I sent Catch 23 instead!)

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus) ~ 6/29/2009 10:46 AM

P.S. The choice of name WAS a coincidence - I don't know either of those stories, but yes, of course, I know Romeo and Juliet.

I'm actually going to see it at The Globe Theatre in August as a birthday treat!

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5) ~ 6/29/2009 12:57 PM

In Leili and Majnun (a fable adapted by many) - Majnun wishes for his death and that's how he dies (in most adaptations he dies first - God grants him his wish). That's why I said your Neon stands close to Leili and Majnun (even closer than to Romeo and Juliet). Majnun by the way is not his given name - translated "crazy". So it's more - Leili and The Crazy :)) (good there are not many Leili and Majnun fans on the site or they would kill me for that).

I guess I'll have to read Catch 23 now to understand why you'd decided to send that one instead.

Rustom Irani (Moderator) ~ 6/29/2009 1:08 PM

There have umpteen versions of "Laila and Majnoo" in the Indian film industry.

But the most box office and cult success was met by a film that did a "Romeo and Juliet" adaptation in India. "Qayamt Se Qayamat Tak" loosely translated means "From Apocalypse to Apocalypse"

www.imdb.com/title/tt0095936/

It was the debut for the leading male Actor "Aamir Khan" who is now considered the Indian Johnny Depp for the sheer versatility he brings to his roles in Hindi films.

He also starred n India's last Oscar nominated film, "Lagaan".

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5) ~ 6/30/2009 11:48 AM

Thanks Rustom. All I could find with Aamir Khan was Raja Hindustani. Can't imagine a hindu movie with sad ending. And partly that's why I liked Neon so much - the lovers die (well, I also liked the way Caroline showed it).

From what I picked up from IMDB on Apocalypse to Apocalypse looks like they stayed true to Romeo an Juliet.

Rustom Irani (Moderator) ~ 6/30/2009 1:17 PM

Very true to "Romeo and Juliet"

There are very few Hindi films with sad endings.