Comments Made During the Contest

Brian Wind (Level 5)

Nice, tight script. Paced very well. Very dark, very cool, nice twist on the ending. I liked this alot. The one sided dialogue here felt like it belonged, unlike several other scripts I reviewed that just seemed to omit one side of a conversation. The only thing about this entire script that I'm not a big fan of is the title. I think you could have come up with something more intriguing than "Deep". Overall though, this was very enjoyable. Nice work. My first Excellent of the month!

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

This was a good story, well-executed BUT I thought the non-response from the many characters started off credibly but as time went on it lost that. The way you wrote it, someone WOULD have spoken.

I thought the ending, with Nicole not responding, however, was very good indeed, revisiting the earlier incident.

Chris Keaton (Level 5)

I can't complain about shit here. This was a tight interesting piece. Not sure about the title, but what the hell. This is one of my faves so far, mind you I'm only ten in, but the others were good. I'm wondering if the intensity of this piece was increased by this guy being the only person talking.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

This was dark and powerful.

I really like the way you write. There is a poetry in your images and even in your sentence structure.

The only problem is, there were a few too many times when the dialogue felt unnatural because no one else spoke. I realize that was the requirement for this challenge, but it didn't feel effective here (especially with the gangsters).

I think though, if you give this a small rewrite it could be excellent.

Christopher Castle (Level 4)

Nice title - not sure about the relevance.

ROCCO and his family believe they have recorded incriminating evidence but are later attacked.

Script was enjoyable to read, the action and the dialogue made it flow with good pace with not much unwanted description.

I had trouble understanding what the crime was. It felt pretty confusing, unless I missed something. I would have a guess it was child abuse but that is not clear in the script.

The tense atmosphere you create is good although I was never too sure what the protagonist was battling against until he was attacked.

David Birch (Level 5)

the opening scene was what i had the most trouble with...i'm anxious to see if there are going to be any others that feel the same...would have like to see some more back-story, but, overall i think you did a commendable job presenting you story within the boundaries of the assignment...

Dom Kullander (Level 3)

An extremely dark ending, and one that pertfectly suited the sinister tone of the piece. Rocco's obvious anxieties about his task were subtle enough to be convincing, whilst Nicole's cold silence towards him worked well. I felt his interaction with Saul and Geno on learning of their trechary could have been far more emmotive by either foregrounding his outrage ('you sick fucks') or his desire to bargain ('please')- I feel focusing on one of the two would enhance the audience interaction with the scene.

Erica Land (Level 2)

This was a dark and scary story...but I loved it. You kept my attention throughout. Plus I think the other characters not talking heightened the tension. I don't know if I'd want to see that go on for an extended time in a script, but it was very effective.
The ending was rather sad, but suits a mob type story.

I liked your descriptions and your attention to word use. I guess my only thing would be if someone was listening in, why didn't they intervene? I suppose for this contest you probably couldn't do that...but considering he was wearing a wire, you would think someone might have been tracking him. Or at least he would have yelled in the mic for them to help him. But overall good job.

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

Excellent script and very well written. The only thing I found was the word DADDY. If it takes the place of a name, then it should be capitalized.

Garrett Box (Level 4)

The directions are a little strange. What do you mean by “a voice awakens”? I don’t know how you can film “Somewhere in the darkness”. This would work for a poem/short story/novel but people have to know what you mean so that they can film it.

Jeannie Sconzo (Level 5)

I honestly feel like you'd have a stronger story if it was not in the mono contest and you could have the characters doing more interaction. I didn't know anything about that wife and couldn't get a feel of what she was thinking or feeling. I could only guess.

Jeff Ferry (Level 4)

This was a pretty good and fairly dark screenplay. I thought the last act was definitelty the strong point of the story. It was rough and it pulled no punches. However, I thought the beginning was a little muddled and choppy. I also felt the one speaker angle really hurt this story in first few pages. It was appropriate that the bad guys weren't talking, but unlikely the wife or kid wouldn't speak. That was the only part that felt forced.

Joel Davis (Level 5)

This was a good setup, based around a strong conflict of the informant. However, it didn't feel natural that Rocco was the only one to speak, if I didn't know that the topic was "monologue", I would have been perplexed as to why no one was speaking to him.

Still, well done, and I encourage you to revise it as a straight up story without the monologue constraint, I think it could turn out really good that way.

John Brooke (Level 5)

You did a wonderful work within a genre that I am not in the least partial to.

The formatting is flawless, the dialog is suitable stilted and starkly believable. The over all effect is really nasty. All is obviously lost. This is just terrible. What does this vulgar piece of word placement have to do with art I am clenching my teeth and holding my temper as I wade through this wondrous waste of your obvious talent in your screenplay. By now persons with Italian names must be getting mightily tired or seeing their names abused and sterotyped as in at piece of mob horror. Awful and horible spring to my, your readers mind, exactly as you had planned.

Sometimes I am way off base, and I come back and the work is actually a gem, a jewel or a pearl. Let’s hope I have a fresh and open brain when I come back here and reread this horrifying tale again. You have done good.

Jon Hill (Level 4)

I thought your story was well written, flowed nicely, and kept me entertained but, ultimately, suffered from being a monologue.

It seemed very unnatural that Rocco should interact with all these people and not one of them say a word. If all the characters were allowed to speak, you could then write conversations that fill out the background story and flesh out the characters a little more. For example:
- Why is Rocco doing this? Did Saul previously wrong Rocco and Rocco wants revenge? Or is Rocco a long time Mafia hitman who suddenly develops a conscious? A little background goes a long way.
- Elaboration of Rocco’s family’s feelings. Perhaps how his Wife thought it was a good idea at first for Rocco to go undercover but now things are getting dangerous she’s got doubts. That kind of thing.
- How Saul found out Rocco was an undercover agent? Did something about Rocco’s mannerisms tip Saul off? Or has Saul got an undercover mole in the Police.
There’s so many things to flesh out but can’t easily be done so because of the contest restrictions.

Jose Batista (Level 5)

Technically speaking, this script is excellent. You have tight and crisp writing throughout. Great Dialogue and use of visuals. Awesome, but that is only part fo the equation. This script is missing the other part: Story and Plot. What you have presented here is a scene that is part of a much larger picture. The Who and the What are clearly understood by script's end, but there is not Why? Whether Rocco is an undercover cop or a turncoat, it doesn't really matter what's happening here because I do not know why I should feel sorry for him and his family. Yes, it's a facked up situation to be in and I wouldn't wish it on anybody, but we're talking movies here, not life. In a movie, even a short one like this, there has to be a reason. So this is what's keeping you from an excellent. Overall, you did a Good Job, but don't stop now, you've got great talent...Keep Writing!

Kenneth Hurd (Level 4)

I really liked this script. I loved how you started out showing us that Rocco was going to be buried alive. It created a tension that lasted throughout the entire piece. My only recommendation would be to remove some of the dialogue. I think it can be better if you just let the visuals tell what's going on, instead of us hearing it from Rocco. Other than that, this was an excellent script.

Kevin Carty (Level 4)

Deep is right very good. I think I"ve finally found the winning script after some 43 bad, ok, and good scripts i've finally found the one I could call excellent. Thank God no shots no confusing, random, and long ass speeches. Straight to the point and uses all 5 pages. Wonderful and dark enough and original. Finally ITS LIKE EVERYONE ELSE JUST THREW STRUCTURE, FORMAT, BREVITY OUT THE WINDOW. I LOVE THIS SCRIPT.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Good job evoking squeamish response, killing the wife and a seven-year-old. Nasty premise.
Without a heading, relevance of the first scene not clear. Is Rocco trapped somewhere?
Liked Rocco's reference to "enough to make their arrests," which explains his involvement. And, especially well-written, the foreshadowing and double-meaning of his statement to Nicole about the mess being over by the end of the week.
The forest scene needs some editing: Rocco seems to be carrying the bodybag, and Geno has a gun "trained on his (Rocco's?) back." But Geno shoots Rocco in the knee.
After it's revealed that Nicole and Isabel are in the bodybag, doesn't seem possible that Rocco could juggle it.
Perhaps eliminating Saul and Isabel would free more room to expand Rocco and Nicole's interaction. Maybe a segue scene showing how Nicole ends up in the bag.
There's a story in here --

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

I wish I knew on page 1 what Rocco's voice sounded like. Is he a child? A voice-breaking adolescent? A deep-throated adult? A whiner? Courageous? Adventurous? Martyr? I know far less than the viewing (or listening) audience would. I think you need to introduce the character completely before scene 1 gets going, just to get the reading audience on board.

The rest of the story flies along at breakneck speed. A marvelous job of roping me in and forcing me to behold the inevitable ending. Excellent.

Laureen Muller (Level 4)

Wasn't sure what the story was going to be from the title, I was thinking more on the lines of the sea. I am guessing you meant Deep, as In too Deep. This was a creative story line, a little hard to visualize a mob boss type not speaking at all, but possible. Some of the characters were easy to visualize (mob boss, driver, wife), but the main character was a little hard to put together. This was partially because the story went from a scary entrance into a dark building right to being in Rocco’s home, I think (that was not that clear). Then we are in his child's room, and then to his bedroom, what was the point of the opening scene? Was the move to the house a flashback? How did we go from the darkness to the home? Then we go to Rocco sitting in the car to getting out to meet the mob boss. Is this the next day? If so, give us direction (i.e. night turns to day). You have Rocco carry the body bag, by himself (there are 2 bodies inside) how can we visualize that? I like the ending and the cut to black with the strike of the shovel. Just clean some areas to make them more realistic and this could be a good suspense short.

Lewayne White (Level 4)

An interesting use of the monologue. Decent story.

Lonnie McIntyre (Level 2)

The pace and format of the script was very good. The story was interesting but, I thought it could have been a lot better if Nicole, Gino, and Saul were allowed to speak. I know it was not possible for this contest but, you should write another version in which those characters could speak. The story was dark but it definitely something that could happen, especially if you are dealing with criminals. I am confused about the introduction. I assumed ROCCO was buried alive in the beginning and the story backtracked from there. The problem is that I didn't find any mention of caskets in the script, just graves and body bags. Maybe I missed something but, overall it was a good script.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

Good title. It's short, sweet, and fits the story very well.

The opening scene is powerful. It really grabs a person's attention.

The scene with Isabel got to me. For a moment it seemed like she was going to speak. The visuals there were so real, the scene so natural. I loved it. The scene with Nicole was pretty good, too. Her silence was a little forced, though. Just a little. The filming can take care of that by using her face to tell the audience what she wants to say...

The way you wrote "Geno follows behind, a gun trained on his back" is a little confusing at first read. It sounds like there's a gun trained on Geno's back more than on Rocco's. Easy fix. Your formatting is good. The spelling is good. You left out a word... "he stares himself in the mirror..." I think the punctuation was good, too.

One of the things I liked best about this script (technically) was the repeated promise from Rocco to his family... This will be over soon. Very nicely written.

Very good work.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

I really liked your sparse scene description/action, although you don't need a new paragraph break for every new sentence.

I also liked how you used the rules of the contest to add extra emotional weight to the story.

The part over black was a bit confusing, and only served to distract me from the actual story. I think you could lose that completely and then maybe take more time to set up how he's forced into this predicament and how it's tearing his family apart.

Otherwise it was good.

Michael Cuculich (Level 3)

This story was really well written, with a good feel for the visuals and atmosphere. It had a kind of muted (har-har) melancholy about it, which fit the story nicely. The rhythms and the pacing make the story feel mysterious. This all feels like a real strength of the writer. I'm less enthralled by the actual story. It doesn't really offer anything new or even surprising; the twist of putting his family in danger is not a surprise. The ending is far too abrupt- I'm not sure what the point is of seeing these people killed...or I guess in this case, buried alive. Beginning the piece with the ending is provocative, but I think it definiltely detracts from the end. You don't know exactly what is happening at the beginning, and when you finish the piece you don't quit remember/care how it all started. In this respect, I don't think starting with the ending helps. It does help cast a melancholy mood on the proceedings, so I do get it, but the ending is so weak that it might have been better off there. Maybe not. But in any respect, something else needs to happen with this story- as it stands, there is not much point to it. The way you avoided speaking parts kind of worked- it felt surreal and dreamlike, and rather eerie. This is especially true of the bad guys. Having said that, it was obvious that it was written this way to adhere to the rules. It didn't feel organic- with some tweaks it might have really worked as a surrealistic device, but since I know why you did it, it kind of took away its affect. I would be curious to read more of this as part of a larger whole, but it overall does not really work as a short.

Michael Hoffman (Level 4)

Everything here amounted to a solid little story and an interesting concept.

However, I couldn't help longing for more voices. I really liked the idea but felt the 'monologue' restriction really hurt this particular story and crimped the emotion, making the scenes feel incomplete.

I know this was the rule of the contest but I felt maybe less dialogue from Rocco might have helped quell this and take away from this feeling.

I also think the structure choice of opening with the 'buried Rocco' made the entire tale more predictable. As soon as he was introduced as an undercover cop in the bedroom, I felt I knew almost everything else that would follow.

I actually think this would have worked very well if it were written backwards ('Memento' style) Open with Rocco buried, then the family at the gravesite (minus Rocco getting the mic ripped from him), then the parking lot and finally Rocco's house learning exactly why this all took place. Not sure if this would really work but just something that struck me after I finished reading.

Anyway, like I said, a good effort. It had a nice pace and no major flaws in the technique. Just didn't quite overpower me like I thought it potentially could have.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

The opening is confusing, you describe a voice that can't be seen or heard.

The script is strong, I like the full circle that makes sense of where Roco is at the beginning. The middle however was muddled. I get that he was framing gangsters but it wasn't clear how he fit into their world in the first place.

Overall an egaging and well paced read.

Nicky Muddle (Level 3)

A beautifully written, tragic, moving story.

You have demonstrated for us a large number of methods to keep your other characters silent and thus meet the monologue requirement: sleeping, the silent treatment, keeping him in the dark, ignoring his pleas and even the silence of death.

It took me two readings to appreciate the full complexity and emotional depth of this script. The most moving part for me was in the opening scene when his family is no longer alive to hear or accept his apology. Unfortunately you can only understand the full impact of this scene after reading/viewing to the end.

There really isn't much to add when reviewing writing of this quality. Congratulations. I'm sure this will be a winner this month.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

This is a terrifingly told story with a fine revelation at the end, but doesn't break much new ground on the mob guy getting caught wearing a wire, and then paying the ultimate price.

You execute the monologue theme very effectively, it felt natural with Rocco only speaking.

Your screenwriting is superb and in my opinion, exactly what a spec script should look like.

Great title with its multiple meaning.

There's a script, "Narrative," that was submitted in the December No Rules contest that is very reminiscent of this story in a lot of ways, with some obvious differences. In some ways they feel as if they could both be part of a larger feature.

Who knows, maybe they're both by the same writer?

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5)

This is well written powerful unpleasant stuff. You have succeeded very well in portraying the horror of the situation. However because the story lacks context it is hard to know what I'm supposed to think of it all.

I don't think this is quite there, but at some point a script like this could cross a line into gratuitous nastiness. It is a personal view of mine that this kind of unpleasantness should have a clear purpose in order to justify showing it, however I realize that there is a field of movie making that does not go along with that concept.

Pia Cook (Level 5)

Nice sharp crisp writing. Very much how I try to write myself. It was easy and a joy to read.

I thought for a long time that Rocco somehow was a ghost or something since no one ever responded to him. I thought he would be the one in the body bag.

I wouldn't say the story was the most original, but I'll forgive you for that. Your writing made it such a good read anyway.

I'm giving you a very good on this. Good Luck with it. :-)

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

Enjoyed this a lot. You write very lean and it helps keep the momentum going. Dialogue felt natural and there were some nice visuals that would make for great transitions between scenes. Excellent screenplay given the contest restrictions. Best of luck to you.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

I thought the story was strong, and the writing was really good. Dialogue easy to understand and the story flowed well. It was a sad story and I had a hard time with it, because of the death of Rocco's family.

You did a great job with the monologue, it was not easy for me to write a script where only one character talks, and you did this in a way that was easy to understand and conveyed the message of what was going on in the story, without 'telling' too much.

Nice work.

Comments Made After the Contest

Brian Wind (Level 5) ~ 5/1/2009 12:50 AM

Loved it. Nice job!

Travis DeStein (Level 5) ~ 5/2/2009 7:40 PM

Thanks, Brian. This script did a lot better than I expected.

Paul W., ya caught me. I was running low on ideas for this month.

Shaun Bragg (Level 4) ~ 5/11/2009 6:34 PM

Really good. The connection between the ending and beginning was done well.