Comments Made During the Contest

Ali Barr (Level 4)

Good descriptive opening. I was distracted by "the booted feet" since you already mentioned heavy boots. Perhaps just The boots trudge...? just like in the ending scene.

This had me engaged right from the shooting contest. I wanted to know more from that point on. Your visuals sync well with the dialogue and it all comes together very well.

Great twist on the ending. You set us up for any possibilities with the rules and so while, I was sorry for Black, I could also see that Kevin was capable of it. Very well done. Well crafted and no distractions of formatting or otherwise. Clear economy all the way through.

Angela Eligio (Level 2)

Wow. I really liked this one. I didn't see the ending coming at all, and the story flowed nicely. I did note what I thought was a typo---an apostrophe where it didn't belong (I think it was the line about knowing their routines).

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

I thought this was good, very good. It flowed well and I got a real sense of kevin AND the end surprised me, but also made sense, which is perfect.

Just a little grammatical pointer - you seem unsure of the use of apostrophes in some places.

it's - means 'it is' - it does NOT mean belonging to it.

routine's - means 'belonging to the routine' NOT routine in plural.

Those things jump out at me!

But I enjoyed this story a lot.

Chris Keaton (Level 5)

Notes:
- The title made me afraid it would be about a dude on a toilet.
Can't complain about much. You painted a real easy to see picture. This took us on a nice romp and you were even able to tie the beginning to the end. Great job!

Chris Messineo (Founder)

Clean, crisp, professional.

Your craft is excellent and this was a very fun read. Great attention to detail.

My only suggestion, I wish there was a moment of emotion, somewhere in this story. A moment, when we saw a glimpse of Kevin's true self.

Still, this was great. Very well done.

Christopher Castle (Level 4)

Good title.

KEVIN is taught the art of assasination by BLACK and his ive rules who he then kills.

I enjoyed the script. I found some of the detailed description too specific and did not help the flow of the action. The best part was the five rules which read well, with good action and very readable.

Character of Kevin was good but still a mystery to me. I was left to ask why he wnated to be an assasin and why he killed Black other than to follow the rules. I felt some sympathy for Black as he seemed a genuine character.

Good script though and you created a good story with an intense atmosphere.

David Birch (Level 5)

i actually thought this was one of the better attempts at this month's challenge...there were some things that would improve the read...instead of int. truck cab - continuous and then putting "a gloved hand" (gloved hand is redundant and awkward) slug LEATHER GLOVE ...reaches under the seat; grips a 9mm handgun. (this keeps the writing in the present tense and moves the story along....anyway, a re-write would move this up to the top score...thanks...

Dom Kullander (Level 3)

Woooah! Very Fargo, I really loved the skull in top hat belt buckle for some reason- it gave me images of Slash from Guns N' Roses on the rampage which in my mind is high praise indeed! The voice over really worked as well, I particularly liked the southern states accent which I felt added to Kevin's characterisation. Also, the boots in the snow made for a terrifying compliment to the assasin's steely determination. Very good indeed!

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

A really excellent portrayal of an assassination. I suspected the ending but was surprised despite the suspician.

Page 1: "The sun's shining bright on the long green grass..." Would prefer: "The sun shines bright on the long green grass..." More active voice.

Page 2: This sentence would read better if it were divided into two shorter sentences. "BLACK, 60's with skin like leather and a sinister skull in a top hat belt buckle holding up his jeans, emits a slight grin as he nods his head, accepting the challenge." Consider something like: "BLACK, 60's with skin like leather accepts the challenge with a nod and a grin. His jeans are held up with a belt, decorated with a top hat buckle."

Page 4: One way to write more actively is to rewrite sentences that have the word IS in them. Example: "A WOMAN is staring at the two of them in shock." Consider instead: "A WOMAN stares at them in shock."

Jeannie Sconzo (Level 5)

I worry about MP writers - the evil thoughts that go through your mind.
Sorry to say, a little bit predictable. Descriptions are good. Kevin's dialogue is cold, how I think it should be, but you might want to find a place to give him a hint of warmth so he's more like one of us.

Jeff Ferry (Level 4)

An absolutely solid and enjoyable entry. There was no weak point in this story that I could see. It flowed easily and wasn't difficult to understand. I pretty much knew where it was going was he was halfway through the rules, but it didn't matter because the screenplay was so well written and executed. This is the way it should be done.

Joel Davis (Level 5)

Interesting, but without more characters, the ending isn't as surprising as it could be. This was well done, but the story seemed familiar, like the Dread Pirate Roberts. Look for a way to put a new twist on this story and I think it would be a really interesting piece.

John Brooke (Level 5)

Perfectly sane title for this cold blooded story. Your idea is highly creative and you carried it off with admirable panache. You maintained a pace and tension that transported me smoothly along right to the total shock of the unexpected end. You made the monologue really work for keeping the mystery through the total tale.

Your harrowing tale of criminality should make a tight emotional bundle of a film. Low key and very smooth groovy. Very Good. I may come back, this tale may deserve a high mark.

Jose Batista (Level 5)

Nothing really new in regards to the body of the script. Kevin's training was as expected, but the monologue was well done and the 5 rules were depicted decently throughout. The idea that he was going to kill Black Francis and take over the name for himself was something that was foreshadowed with the shovel in the beginning and then again with rules 4 and 5 towards the end. I feel you did a great job, regardless whether I saw it coming or not. The pace was even throughout and the descriptions were well crafted. Very Good Work!

Kenneth Hurd (Level 4)

I liked how you were able to express everything visually. There were only a few instances where I felt that you gave a bit too much description, and this would be during the shooting practice scene.

Also, I found myself a bit confused throughout. When I was first reading it, I assumed that the man in the beginning was Kevin. However, once I saw that Black was the one skull belt, I went back up to re-read the beginning. Of course, after reading the end, everything made sense, but I felt that there needed to be something to establish that the next scene was taking place earlier.

Kevin Carty (Level 4)

I like the concept the POV's lose their creativity and manage make the story not too appealing. The story is pretty good and the descriptions imaginative I can forgive the confusing POV and slugline because it is a very good story. Ok so I was waiting for a story to grab me and this one did. Sluglines are clear and straight I got to say I love this script without the SHOTS it would kill. NO MORE SHOTS PLEASE. Now that I've read the others that have Chunky monologues that go on forever. Stories drowning in explanatory descriptions that are too wordy. This is my one excellent because besides the SHOTS it meets my requirements. I know some softie on here will have a problem and say they don't understand or they don't like the killing. If this doesn't get No. 1 I don't know man. I will favorite this immediately. Thank you for a script that is a dark original character.Great 5 pages.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Loved the first few scenes. Creative title. Descriptive and concise. Good frame for the story, Kevin's comments about the name his momma gave him, at beginning and end. Format and structure easy to follow.
Don't need Kevin to give away that Black Francis is training him to be an assassin -- no doubt, especially when Kevin starts with the "five golden rules" of killing.
Maybe more impact if Kevin reacts with his raised eyebrow and whistle before Black hands the rifle back. Black lowering the rifle probably not needed.
Interesting story. Nice twist with Rule #5.
Logical, until the last page. Kevin and Black are on the rooftop, together. Final scene depicts Kevin walking across the driveway to the cabin, alone. Inside, Black is already dead.
Stumped -- Where is Kevin returning from? Appears he shot Black, put gun in his pants, left, came back, leaned shovel against cabin, "removes the pistol from his waist," then sets it on the counter. Unless, it's Kevin at the beginning and Kevin at the end -- another frame. But, the guy at the start is wearing the skull belt buckle.
Trifle confusing.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

Oh, shucks. I hate it when it does that. The computer just ate my review. Here's my remembered version (which is never as good as the original).

Why does Kevin's gun go BANG! when he kills the obese man? Where's the silencer?

What's a military build?

I didn't like the ending. The only reason you off someone close to you is to protect yourself. But why does Kevin feel like he needs protection? No one's on his tail, and Black is certainly capable of keeping himself hidden from the police. It seemed like a purposeless twist. I certainly understand your theme of "no honor among thieves", but it still seemed unnecessary.

The language was inconsistent. And you seem to hate the letter G. "Killin'", etc." But you left the G in on page 2: "training". Consistency is key. There are also 5 or 6 instances where I saw unnecessary apostrophes, such as "it's", "ya'", "gonna'", and so on.

That woman must be the dumbest creature on the planet. Kevin had enough time to stop disassembling his rifle, reassemble it in enough time, bring it up to aim in enough time, fire in enough time. And she stays still, politely, waiting for him to kill her. It didn't pass my realism detector, just sounding a bit too "TV Show Perfect" for my taste.

Laureen Muller (Level 4)

Love the title. The format was good. I enjoyed the read and the creativity of the story. Felt a little like a short of the "Mechanic" with Charles Bronson and Jan Michael Vincent, but it was an easy read and well played out. I like the ending and the covering of the 5 rules. The dialogue could use a few changes, the character (Kevin) seemed to intelligent to be using words like Ya', Killin' and Hesitatin', he seems like a well educated groomed person that would speak with class and solid grammar. The scene descriptions are well done and the scene changes flow smoothly. It was easy to visualize and see the expressions on each characters face and the emotions or lack there of that each character had. Good Luck.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

Very thrilling.

I liked the twist - it wasn't huge, but still gave an interesting payoff to the "five rules", and also Kevin's journey becoming an assassin.

I did find all the letters missed off the ends of words irritating after a while, though, and there was a misplaced apostrophe ("routine's").

Otherwise very good.

Michael Cornetto (Level 5)

Nicely written. Didn't like the addition of another person that doesn't speak but out of the ones I've read that have done that you got away with it for the most part. The subject matter, hit man, is a bit overused and though the ending did have it's surprise element most of the rest of the script was pretty predictable. I think you did a pretty good job overall.

Michael Cuculich (Level 3)

This was a very well-written noir story. It was structured very well, with the opening bookend and closing payoff. The narration was well-written, and offered a clear picture of what was going on. It was paced well, and gave the reader a clear understanding of time and space. The opening can sequence was also a plus, utilizing subtext in regards to the title. I can't say the ending was particularly original and/or surprising, but it was definitely an organic and clever way to tie things up, with a nod to the title. Is it the most inspiring thing I've read? Probably not. But it's extremely well written and could be filmed tomorrow. I can't really come up with anything particularly critical to say about it- it was a very typical noir narrative. I would say to watch out for your characters- they were very underdeveloped and forgettable here, and a Southern accent isn't really enough to draw my attention. Comparing this to other scripts I've read on here, this writer clearly knows what he's doing. I think the key is for next time to try and challenge him/herself to do something a bit more inspired. In all, kudos.

One note about the format- is the way you formatted the scope POV, etc. the correct way to go about something like this? What about the use of CONTINUOUS to demonstrate a flowing scene through various shots/locations? If so, I think you did a fantastic job, on a technical level. I've seen CONTINUOUS before, but I've never seen the scope framing done quite like that. Maybe it just hasn't come up often. Oh well, just a thought.

Michael Hoffman (Level 4)

I was split down the middle on this script. The execution was very well done. There were no major flaws and the structure and narrative delivered crisp imagery and a nice flow.

For me, the biggest weakness was the lack of true originality to the concept. While many sucsessful scripts thrive on 'giving the same... only different', everything here felt a little too familiar and didn't seem to offer anything I haven't seen before. Even the twist was a little too obvious.

Your screenwriting skills are apparent but, with this particular story, I would have liked some more unique components. Stand it on it's head a little bit. Maybe make Kevin more of a nerd. Set him up as someone in over his head with this or that Black is has no real faith in his ability. This might create a more shocking revelation when we discover he is nothing like we thought him to be.

The way it reads now, these are just two bad-asses and there is no surprise in what either of them might be capable of doing.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

Good visuals enhancing the dialogue.

Story a felt a little old hat.

Characters were a bit cliched but all in all well written.

Neal Barringer (Level 0)

I don't know - kind of a dull read but was full of tension from the opening image. the pace just felt rather slow especially when Kevin is telling us the five rules to be an assassin. nothing really hooked me in to care about these five rules.
and, the tension I felt around page 4 was more about which direction you were taking the story rather than the actual story itself.
the ending was expected. still, it came up rather quickly. not sure an additional scene will help. or, maybe some rearrangement? the way it's all exposed, there is no surprise at the end.
I think the intro to the final image needs a little work. "The gloved hand..." when did a hand get gloved? "...leans the shovel..." when was the shovel introduced? I think you intend to introduce these objects at the final scene, so the writing should probably be, "A gloved hand leans a shovel against..."
so, my final reaction is that this piece was much longer than five pages and a scene (or two) were removed to meet the page limit. of course, I could be wrong about that, too.

Oliver Webb (Level 3)

You're action lines were clear and visual. I like the story. I don't love your dialogue although clear, could be better. I think it was the whole rules to assassination thing. I know it's could be consider an archetype of the gene but you can do better. Either way, it's a fine shorty(short story) and keep up the good work.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

I got into this one, I liked it, but I'm wondering...

Why would Kevin assume the name of another known assassin? Shouldn't he steal the name or identity of just some regular-Joe?

The subject matter felt a little familiar, but you did give it a unique feel, fit for a five-page short script.

Good use of the monologue theme.

Your screenwriting is very good. Format appears in order. Didn't detect any typos.

Good job.

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5)

There is a solid idea in here although for me the underlying story might be a little thin. This could be shorter by a page or two and the story would be unchanged.

"checks the safety" - Checks it is on or off? It makes quite a lot of difference.

"peers through the scope of the rifle in his hands." - I do this kind of thing all the time, "in his hands" seems redundant.

"Lookin' like I got a lot to learn from you old timer." - I think this might be under the category of on-the-nose dialogue.

I like the opening scene with it's visual set up but I'm not sure about how it fits in with Kevin telling his story. The next scene is almost an alternative opening. The result is that the story doesn't get moving until page three.

When he is recounting these rules I was wishing that Black could say his own rules instead of getting them second hand. Of course ultimately it turns out that that is the point, but having set up an interesting character like Black it seems a shame to mute him.

Pia Cook (Level 5)

I'll give this one an excellent! I really liked it. Nice, to the point writing that kept the action moving.

I don't really have any suggestions. I thought it worked very well (obviously) just the way it is.

Good luck with this one. :-)

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

Sleek and told with solid pace. I wanted a little bit more reaction from the woman who spotted the take down. Maybe she's dialing the phone or dashing away from the window when he guns her down as well? The twist with Black at the end was a nice reveal. I didn't have any strong problems with the script at all. Best of luck with it.

Robbie Comeau (Level 3)

Interesting take on this. I enjoyed it throughout the whole script!

I was waiting for the twist in the end, I didn't expect it.

Why did he end up killing him though..Thats what I didn't understand..

Robbie

Rustom Irani (Moderator)

This oozes style from start to finish. The monologue is used to good effect to serve the stylistic nature of the piece but doesn't add much to plot, I think.

I mean, your visuals are so strong and the sense of pacing achieved through your action descriptions are in themselves self-explanatory and I could piece the clues together as a silent film.

This reminded me a bit of Luc Besson's "The Professional" & "La Femme Nikita" more the former, especially the rules about assassination and training involved.

I however love a good stylistic action script and this is one of the best.

Nice title.

Look forward to more of the same.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

Good solid story, well written, with a little too much description though in your characters. What they are wearing ususally isn't that important.

I thought you did a good job of working with the challenge. Making something work, when only one character can talk is not easy. And you managed to create Black Francis (the old one) as a well fleshed out character, even though he didn't speak at all.

The ending surprised me, and it was a satisfying twist to the the story.

Nice work.

Shane Shearer (Level 4)

Excellent work. This is the best I've read thus far and is the most deserving of the top honor this month.

Very intriguing read. I couldn't stop my eyes from moving all over the page. I particularly love the twist ending with the man killing his master. That came outta nowhere!

Again, excellent work. You've got the touch of a talented scripwriter and I can't wait to read more material from you in the future.

Comments Made After the Contest

Pia Cook (Level 5) ~ 5/1/2009 12:02 AM

Hey Dude, I voted excellent on this one!!!!

Awesome!!!

Chris Keaton (Level 5) ~ 5/1/2009 12:03 AM

Congrats! This was one of my coveted Excellents!

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 5/1/2009 12:04 AM

Your script was great and I am so happy to see you get your first win.

I'm sure there will be many more in your future.

Congratulations.

Brian Wind (Level 5) ~ 5/1/2009 12:43 AM

Thanks everyone for the great feedback! I'm glad that so many of you enjoyed this script. :o)

Thanks Pia & Chris!

Special thanks Chris M. for MP!!!

Rustom Irani (Moderator) ~ 5/1/2009 1:34 AM

Brian, if you have to get a first win it's gotta be first place.

Awesome job!

And it is one of the best action scripts at MP.

Wes Worthing (Level 5) ~ 5/1/2009 5:17 AM

Great to see your name at the top, Brian!

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus) ~ 5/1/2009 5:28 AM

I second that!

Kevin Carty (Level 4) ~ 5/1/2009 5:58 AM

I liked this story because the character has the same name as I do.... lol not really. This earned my excellent and I would have been thoroughly disappointed if any other script won this contest. The monologue had meaning and the character was quite unique and loved the twist. Most of all for me there wasn't a whole lot of chunks of dialogue or description, it was to the point. I saw alot of scripts that threw readability out the window this time around and was happy to see that this one didn't. Bueno Excellante Congrats.

Shane Shearer (Level 4) ~ 5/1/2009 7:10 AM

Great work Brian. One of my three excellents.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5) ~ 5/1/2009 7:13 AM

Oh, Brian! Awesome! Congratulations! Long-awaited first place, great, great, great, great. I'm thrilled for you!

Matias Caruso (Level 5) ~ 5/1/2009 8:47 AM

Ha! Way to go, Brian! Now that you stepped up to the podium you can piss down on Erich.

Congrats! :D

Brian Wind (Level 5) ~ 5/1/2009 9:27 AM

Thanks again everyone! All of your feedback & kind words are greatly appreciated and supremely inspiring!

Tim Aucoin (Level 4) ~ 5/1/2009 1:49 PM

Do my comments still have to be a certain length now that the contest is over? ;P Anyways, great script. Never had a chance to read it during the normal voting period. A little reminiscent of LEON with the assassin apprentice angle and the 'no women, no kids' rule.
The boot following the boot in the very beginning was a little distracting. But otherwise is was a very tight script.

Amanda Sidorowicz (Level 4) ~ 5/1/2009 8:57 PM

Didn't read much last month, but I'm glad I took the time out to read this now. Love, love, love the ending! I didn't see it coming. Very interesting idea, and you "executed" it well. Your writing style is great. Your descriptions are awesome. You give lessons? I'm kidding, though, I might be going back to your scripts as an example for my future ones. Congrats on first place. It was well-deserved!

Margaret Ricke (Level 5) ~ 5/2/2009 10:58 AM

Brian! Congratulations! Great first win. Cyber-High-Five!

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5) ~ 5/2/2009 12:02 PM

Yay Brian! I've been traveling on business this month & didn't get a chance to read all the scripts, so I missed your winner - look fwd to reading it when I get home next wk.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5) ~ 5/3/2009 6:08 AM

congratulations Brian, hope you're chuffed to bits!!!

Brian Wind (Level 5) ~ 5/4/2009 6:44 PM

Thanks again everyone!


MJ, I may be 'chuffed to bits' but I'd have to consult a British-to-English dictionary to know for sure since I have no idea what that means. ;o)

Tim Westland (Moderator) ~ 5/4/2009 11:17 PM

Chuffed to bits - How Chewbacca sounds when he can't flag down a taxi in London at rush hour.

Tommy Merry (Level 4) ~ 5/7/2009 7:43 PM

Way-to-go Brian,
get on that roll and STAY on that roll!

best,
-T

Erich VonHeeder (Level 4) ~ 5/8/2009 1:24 PM

Really like this one Brian.
Congrats on the win!

And please don't listen to Matias.
Those hispanics and their urine fetishes, I tell you what...!

Adan Speranza (Level 0) ~ 5/8/2009 1:36 PM

I'm compelled to agree with MJ. However, your writing is sharp but in need of revising. Other than that, very good.

Garry Reid (Level 1) ~ 5/11/2009 2:57 AM

It's cool.

Tim Westland (Moderator) ~ 5/11/2009 11:03 PM

Brian, I didn't get to this script while reviewing. I'd have given it a rare "Excellent".

This was the fastest read I've ever experienced. I flew through this. It's an amazing entry and is desrved to win 1st place.

Better than Well Done. Excellent. Congratulations on the win.

Sean Jones (Level 0) ~ 5/12/2009 7:57 AM

Nice script, I really enjoyed the read it was well described and I liked the ending.

Sibilla Carini (Level 2) ~ 5/14/2009 4:51 PM

I think the way you wrote this script was perfect for the Monologue theme. It's easy to write a script where only one person talks, but you managed to create a script in which only one person needs to talk. Many of the other scripts submitted to this contest turned out to be awkward, but while reading yours I never expected or wanted any other character to speak.
You went past "just following the rules." I'm glad this script won first place!

Brian Wind (Level 5) ~ 5/14/2009 8:45 PM

Thank you again, everyone, for all the kind words. I'm thrilled that this script was so well received.