Comments Made During the Contest

Adam Grage (Level 4)

There's alot of things that get in the way of the story which don't need to be there nearly a page of desciption before the first line of dialogue. I didn't even want to read this story. Luckily I did, I think there is a good story in here. But the description needs to be trimmed for one thing. I know how it can be a temptation to want to explain every detail of the world you create. But, unfortunately this is just one piece of the puzzle.

Also, the music selections need to go. That all will be decided once this is in production. I couldn't get into the story enough because of all the distractions and all the characters in the story are not unique or different but instead seem like caricatures. The dialogue was mostly on the nose and had no nuance and reality to it for me. I know this is a animated movie so it is not going to be like a dramatic movie however even Pixar movies can find real characters and dialogue that is rich in context.

However, I don't want to say that there is no story. The core of the story is there. It was difficult to find it but it is there. So, I think doing some tweaking and reworking the dialogue and this story could be turned into something special.

Aimee Parrott (Level 4)

It's nice to read another animated short. It's a good idea, but comes off at times as a little preachy -- not that I disagree with what you're preaching, it's just a bit heavy-handed. Maybe it would work better without Mother Nature, if you just had the animals and plants defending themselves?

Your use of capital letter is, IMHO, excessive. It might sound funny, but it's sort of tiring to read all that. It's fine for character intros and things like that, but I think you could trim your action and get the same impact for the important things without resorting to that.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

Extremely well written! I felt like it was overly descriptive in some parts but overall nice job.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

Your beavers couldn't give a damn! (Sorry couldn't resist it!)

I have just read this and it's the fourth script out of the 11 I have read so far that doesn't seem to meet the parameters of the competition. There is a scene that is inside, when it clearly states 'Your entire story must take place outside and in the woods.'

The set up was beautifully done, then...the genre and the mood was spoiled somewhat for me by the tree saying 'Holy Crap.' Yes I KNOW it's an in-joke on MoviePoet but it just didn't work here, for me.

It could have been a great animation for kids, but then it over-stepped the mark with the dialogue, and as it is, is neither one thing nor another, but somewhere in between something for adults and something for kids.

I think you over-used the capital letters for props and sound effects. I find it difficult to read and it's more appropriate for a shooting script than a spec script.

But it could be very very good with some development!

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus)

If only it were so.

Good writing, but the story dragged a bit for me. Some of the dialogue, "gosh darn," seemed a little forced.

Good luck.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

While I agree with the sentiment, I found this story a little heavy handed. It felt like a sweet little morality play for children. I wish there was more story and characters to sink our teeth into. Also, the entire story does not "take place outside and in the woods".

Don Riemer (Level 4)

Generally well written, and your scene description is very vivid. Nice dialogue; I like the Boss Man especially. But the overall story is very flat, very predictable, without an ounce of interest. And the Oak Tree's last line is totally on point: where the heck has Maia been for the last 200 years? Why is she only now appearing to protect the forests of the earth from Man's destruction? Too big a question to leave unanswered. And as a joke, it doesn't work too well.

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

Very imaginative but I was lost in the confusion of all the unnecessary CAPS.

Ethelyn Boddy (Level 4)

Mother Earth’s revenge of floods and drought and famine is no fantasy. I guess the fantasy is that the bull-dozers will be stopped. The story was well-paced and easy to visualize how it would look animated. Any eco-minded idea gets a plus from me. Great title.

Jane Beckwith (Level 4)

Great last line, and a fun read throughout.

Jordan Entin (Level 3)

It was an interesting story. I feel like I've read/seen things very similar to this though. I know it's a small detail but it bothered me how one of the lumberjacks used the word "inanimate" considering he also uses the word "ain't". The descriptions were, although very well written, a little lengthy and overdone.

Kim Kirchner (Level 3)

That was cute! Funny, but innocently so. I think the little people in my life would get a kick out of watching the lumberjacks being beaten up by the forest. Good job!

Kirk White (Level 5)

it was cute, but not really much of a story. more like a comercial. Being a southerner I was a little off put by the obvious southern cliche phonetic dialogue of the two dullards...like larry the cable guy and Cledus t. Judd on steroids. I'm sure it was not included out of malice but it did take me out of the story and made me not like you a little.

The story could be focused more tightly...why does she appear NOW after all this time? what is it about this particular event that warrants her arival?

Lee Carlisle (Level 4)

Nicely written piece. It seemed aimed at too young of a crowd for my tastes - the Three Stoges-esque physical comedy, adolescent faux-cursing - but you still did a good job.

I wasnt too crazy about the ending - would rather have seen the animals/trees do something about the loggers than just having Maia (who apparently has no weaknesses from whats shown in the script) come out of nowhere and save the day.

For a kids film, this would be great, and it was nicely written - I wouldve liked to see a little more depth to the story, perhaps a few more serious undertones (or characterization - we dont really get to know any of the protagonists well, its more of a collective). I think it would be possible to add some of this without losing the overall vibe, but still, good job.

Margaret Avnet (Level 4)

First I do like the idea of nature taking revenge on the humans for trying to cut down the forest.

I don't believe you would put MUSIC and then site the piece. That I think can be done while describing the scene. Also you wouldn't be a note for the possible clearance of a song. That would be something the producer would worry about.

When the two lumberjacks are taking in unison to their boss you didn't double space between the boss' dialog and theirs. Something which I believe should have been picked up on a proofreading of the script.

And the sound effects especially during the scene where the Oak is hitting them with his branches are a bit much. I felt like I was reliving a BATMAN episode.

The story overall was told fairly well however.

Matthew Phillips (Level 4)

The story and writing is superb. I had a bit of a problem with the lumberjack characters. I felt like they were a bit too comedic. I could obviously be wrong, but that's the initial feeling I got. Another thing of note: Benny uses the word inanimate. That line of dialog didn't ring true for me, it seemed out of place. Great writing. The visual aspect of this script is there, as well as the overall theme.

Michael Cornetto (Level 5)

I really liked the Disney intro through the encounter with the two lumberjacks. I think after that it streches itself a bit thin. The Boss and Maia business didn't quite sit right with me. I didn't think it was bad, I just think it needs a bit more honing. I think it was because Maia wasn't the character I expected.

Good work though! And Congratulations! I'll be surprised if this doesn't win the contest.

Michael Thede (Level 4)

I felt that scale of this story was too much for five minutes. I also feel like we're being sutured into the narrative from too many points of view. First it's nature, then the lumberjacks and then nature's side again. I think the intentions here are good, but it gets a little bit muddled by having too many things thrown into it.

Olivia Daub (Level 1)

Not a bad piece you have here. I can see this being shown before a Disney piece. Some of the problems I had, however, where things like dialogue. The words spoken were completely plausible for the human characters of the story, but I have a hard time believing it when the Oak Tree, and Maia start speaking like them. To me, it takes away from their power and stature. The other problem I had was the use of "!" in places other than dialogue. More specifically in the line "MAIA -MOTHER EARTH!", it makes it seem more like a story than a script to me.

Pia Cook (Level 5)

I'm not used to reading animated scripts so I'm not 100% sure what to say here.

If it's done the same way as a regular spec script then you have some formatting issues to deal with.

The writing is nice, but for a screenplay it needs to be more brief in the description. Almost terse even. Think, lots of white space on each page.

The story itself was fine.

One wonderful thing about animation is that you can totally ignore the laws of physics and let anything happen.

You're dialogue was great.

Randy Bigger (Level 4)

Would be interesting to see in film, what with all the animations it would take. Clean and read well.

Richard Bell (Level 3)

Very nice work. Strong descriptive action - everything was very clear. I'm not a cartoon fan, but this held my attention throughout - funny, too - Pythonesque and Lord of the Rings-esque. My only suggestion would be to introduce Bossman early to send the dufus twins on their initial mission, simply because he's the main bad guy. Good work.

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

Creative and a fun read. I could visualize a lot of the actions and you paint clear cartoon images with your descriptions. I liked the way to built the stakes and propelled the story. My biggest problem was summed up in the last line when the Oak Tree says "It's about time she showed up." At the start, they've already cut down "a scattering" of trees. What prompts Mother Earth to make her stand here and now? I think if you added an element of "last straw" to the script, it would work better. Maybe Mother Earth is tired (and quite pissed) that she has had to make so many lumberjack stops lately, she finally says 'enough.' If you do add this element though, I'd change the last line to something like - "You don't mess with Mother Earth when she's had enough." or something like that. Overall, a nice response to the challenge and a fun read.

Rustom Irani (Moderator)

Even if this is an animated story there is one scene that takes place inside an office and the rules stipulate that the whole story has to take place outdoors.

Man vs. nature and nature getting revenge back on man in various ways is now a consistent theme with global warming becoming an issue as well.

Your story is very similar to the animated "Open Season" where hunters are attacked by animals.

The dialogs worked well and I liked Ben and Charley.

But rather than getting help from Maia maybe the animals should have figured a way to call on her rather than her showing up to their aid.

Or maybe bossman is turned into a chipmunk or a tree for a day and the animals take turn as humans. That would make for good viewing. Or Ben and Charley are turned into animals gradually as they talk to bossman.

Technically the descriptions could be trimmed and the dual dialog does not quite work because both those lines of dialog are good and to hear them simultaneously would lose the comic timing.

This would make a decent short.

Spencer McDonald (Level 4)

I understand this was suppose to be animated. It was suppose to be a little cartoonish with cute objects that become human themselves. The story was okay for me. It did have a point, yet no character actually changed or arched.

You descriptions seem way overwritten. Reads more like a novel and excuse me if I'm stepping on your toes. Maybe animations are suppose to be written this way. If I am wrong, my bad.

You reference Disneyish in your description, yet the dialogue was more in line with a truck driver. If you could shorten your descriptions - give you director more free will - and take out the rough edges of the language you may have the beginnings of a great story.

Stan Tjaden (Level 3)

Too MANY CAPITALS. Slow read.

Tom Zambrano (Level 2)

This is the first animated script I’ve reviewed so far, and I kinda liked it. But I didn’t like the title. The title is the first thing anyone reads, so it’s a good idea to put a lot of work into it and make sure it’s a good representation of your story.
You do need to whittle down your description blocks some. And drop all the CONTINUEDs. They don’t belong in spec scripts. By doing just these two things, you’ll be able to free up some space for things you might want to add.
Another thing that doesn’t belong in a spec script is any specific music. As much as I love Monte Python’s “Lumber Jack Song”, you shouldn’t include it in your script unless you already have the rights. And alluding to it in a NOTE: IF IT CAN BE CLEARED, doesn’t make it okay, and will only serve to distract the reader. As far as the “William Tell Overture” goes, the music itself is in the Public Domain, but Mr. Rossini’s version probably isn’t, so just go with the title.
Normally, I would have a problem with “dullard” and “slightly goofy” in character introductions, but in this case, it being in an animated film that’s only five pages, I think it’s okay to do it this way.
I would put off showing the OAK TREE’s face until after he says, “It was me, butt breath.” (Even better, how about, “It was me you... you Lumber Jerks.”) Put MALE VOICE in his dialogue cue until then, and then change it to OAK TREE. This way the reader, as well as the two Lumberjacks can be surprised at the same time.
(I have some dialogue that I think would work really good in this scene. But I don’t want to make this review any longer than it has to be, so if you want to see them, contact me after the contest is over and I’d be glad to send them to you.)
Back to business. I know that they cut down trees in the South, too, but I think the Lumberjacks, if not the BOSSMAN, show have comical French Canadian accents. I know it’s a cliché, but this is an animated film and I don’t think anyone’s going to mind. And the Bossman, he doesn’t necessarily have to be French Canadian, too, but he doesn’t sound right with a southern accent. He just needs to sound evil... And speaking of his being evil, I don’t think he say anything about “doing this to my men”. He’s too cold and selfish. He should say something like, “No tree’s going to make a sap out of me.”
I wasn’t too crazy about the ending. Instead of having Mother Earth save the day, have the forest creatures do something to save themselves. (Unless, of course, the rest of the script is about the Bossman hiring another God-like creature to kick Mother Earth’s ass. Sort of a forestry version of MY BODYGUARD.)
But all in all, a very good animation script. Good luck and keep writing.

Vitomar Souza (Level 0)

Sometimes emphasizing too much on your description is not a good omen for any script. It just loses a lot, but in general you script was quite good.

Wenonah Wilms (Level 0)

A bit overwritten and flowery on the narrative. You could have written INT. FOREST GLADE - DAWN and I as a reader can imagine dark turning to light, the shadows, the sun rising, etc. I feel beaten over the head with a Disney stick. ;-)

The deer leaps into the "b.g." - I'm still trying to figure out what a b.g. is.

In all it's a cute story, maybe a little preachy. The writing (after the first page) is good and tight and I understand you were painting a picture with it. A nice little story and I think it's interesting that you went with animation.

Comments Made After the Contest

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 8/1/2007 12:28 PM

As a few people mentioned, I could definitely picture this as an animated short.