Comments Made During the Contest

Brian Wind (Level 5)

This was pretty entertaining. I liked the fresh spin and the question you posed about what happens after the fairy tale. The swearing felt out of place here. I think the ending could have been better/more effective. Maybe show him filing the divorce papers, then turning in to a frog and then we find out it was Mother Gothel in disguise. Overall though, I enjoyed this creative adaptation with a twist.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

I enjoyed this. It made me laugh out loud in parts, so well done. It was lively and funny and a great adaptation. The style was rambling and not strictly pared down to necessary details only, but it gave it a bit of a swagger so you got away with it.

A few points:

Save space by using numbers not the words for ages.

(rubbing her neck)(out of breath) - less use of parentheticals please - show what's happening in your dialogue or in action lines.

Why do you capitalise the word RING?

Chris Keaton (Level 5)

This is the first and maybe only Rapunzel story, I'm surprised. Ok, another comedy of sorts. I'll give you bonus points for that. Good Job.

Notes:
- Crap o crap, why does everyone resort to Voice Overs? In the top ten list of things amateur screenwriters do somewhere there is 'USE VOICE OVERS.' And I can't honestly see a reason for the first two VO's. We can see he's rich and soon we'll see he's after a dame.
- You are telling a modern tale with the literal devices from the Grimm story?
- Glad to see you didn't use the VO again.
- Your formatting is impeccable.
- I couldn't see one problem with your grammar. Great Job.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

I like the idea behind this, taking a well known fairy tale and then inventing what happened after the traditional end.

Your twist is dark and funny and even the ending twist works pretty well. I wish there was a bit more told visually, rather than through dialogue, but still, this was a fun read.

Lastly, I think you can lose the voice-over in this story.

Cindy S Duvall (Level 3)

Well an interesting take on this popular story, I must say...

Technically sound and had good pacing. Funny at times and an overall good effort... However there were a few grammatical errors...

The author chose to stick to the very bare essentials here and somehow I felt cheated when I went back and read the original. But... it was cleverly done and I'm not here to critique how the author chose to adapt this story...

Corley Bonk (Level 2)

Although this story isn't a true adaptation of the the Grimm tale Rapunzel, I liked it very much. It is interesting to see the view after the fairy tale is over. Not happily ever after is a refreshing change. Any submitted script thought, and especially one that is only five pages should be proofread and errors fixed. Things like Rapunzel being in her early twenty's (there should be no apostrophe) and capitalizing Ad when when referring to TV ad is a bit distracting. But all in all, this a a creative effort and I enjoyed it. It's too bad it didn't fulfill the assignment.

David Birch (Level 5)

nice job...everything was formatted well and your adaptation was true to the story while adding some originality...would have like to see more...thanks...

David R. Harding (Level 3)

This entry turns the classic Rapunzel into somewhat of a sitcom and, though I didn't particuliarly care for it, it is rather well done.
My troubles were basically with much of the dialogue. Just didn't seem masterfully consistent. But, I wasn't certain whether this was intended to be animation or what and was just as unsure of how that may affect this as film.
Technically and structurally, to my knowledge, it is sound though I thought the action is a bit wordy.
Overall, this a good read.

Erin Arbogast (Level 3)

I really like that you went for an "after happily ever after" take! Prince Tony was appropriately slimy and I liked the ending when Mother Gothel is revealed as the lawyer. I also liked that you referenced characters from other fairy tales.

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

Always look for ways to say the same thing with less words. Example: "After he catches his breath, he pulls out a RING from his pocket." Probably the word OUT can be deleted. Second example: "Tony snatches the paper out of her hand and signs it
hastily." Consider instead: "Tony snatches the paper, signs it hastily."

Work at choosing exciting verbs. Example: "He hands it back to Mother Gothel then gives his wife to be, a slow, sensual kiss." Consider instead: "He throws it to Moter Gothel and kisses his fiance. A slow, sensual kiss."

The following made me smile! "CYRUS CEDARS ATTORNEY AT SUPERNATURAL LAW."

J.D. Weekly (Level 1)

I liked the humor between Tony and Cyrus. Would like to see more interaction with Tony and Rapunzel. Very creative using the attorney to "divorce" Tony from the spell. I am new to screenwriting so take any comments with that in mind. I would like to see the beginning have the humor you used in the end. Good job.

Jeannie Sconzo (Level 5)

Very good.
Clear beginning, middle and end and what a clever ending it was!
Next time I tell my kids the story of Rapunzel it'll be this version, only leaving out the bush in the basement info.

Jeff Ferry (Level 4)

This was an interesting take on the rapunzel story. It didn't really break new ground, but I found it a good read. I enjoyed the idealic story book character having to consult a divorce lawyer. Some of the dialogue felt odd particularly some of the modern terms and wisecracks. A nice offering.

Jeffrey Slocum (Level 4)

Very funny. I enjoyed it. I liked the new age lingo and style thrown into the fairy tale mode. Very well done. Sounds like good potential to be a comedy writer.

Jess Flower (Level 3)

I like what you were trying to do. Take a well-known fable and really try to modernize it. For some reason i really couldn't get into it, though. I found myself asking where some of the real stakes were. This type of an idea would probably work if you had more pages to really dig in and develop the characters more...

Joel Davis (Level 5)

This was a fresh take on the story -- kind of a PG-13 Shrek feel to it. I liked the twist of Cyrus turning out to be Mother Gothel. It was a little tough for me to get into the story because the prince was so unlikeable, though. The dialogue felt a bit uniform -- it was funny in places but the characters didn't seem too distinct from each other.

Technically the writing was strong, good terse, active description and a nice pace and balance between description and dialogue. I liked the concept, I think if the jokes were punched up a little bit and the characterizations were expanded -- especially if we had someone to root for -- this could be a very strong short.

John Brooke (Level 5)

At last a fairy tale swims up out of this swamp of desponse into my consciousness. Let’s see how you did with this Grimm classic.

It is a hirsute tale to begin with and goosed up into modernity that is hysterical. Really good take on this silly Grimm story. Wonderful turn around. You made the story so bearable thank you.

But on second d thought, oh, yeah, I’m allowed second thoughts somehow the magic of her long tresses has been sucked out of this wondrous tale.

How could you do this to an old guy suffering from Baldzimers syndrome?

Jose Batista (Level 5)

This is what a flipside to a fairytale story should be like. A funny and entertaining little script that felt like it went on for more than five pages. I like the way it switched mid-way from narrative to present. The dialogue between Prince and Cyrus was awesome with the twist at the end...cherry on top! There was a dark theme to the whole thing and it made out to be that way in the end, connecting everything in full circle. Excellent Work.

Kathleen Clevenger (Level 4)

Funny. I love these not so happily ever after versions. A great read. I was sad when it ended. Thanks for the fun twist, and the very creative take on an old favorite. My only criticism is that the "Cyrus" monologue at the beginning seemed a bit campy and cliche. Perhaps what you were aiming for, but detracted fro your otherwise original tale. Overall, very well done.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

I liked it a lot! Very funny. To me it's Shrek meets The War of the Roses.

I appreciated how you managed to maintain a single point of view. That's what makes it a good story.
But yours has many other merits too.

It's very well written, an easy read. Thanks. I'm voting Excellent.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Good job misleading a read -- thought for sure this story heading down a familiar road. Then, voila, lovely Rapunzel utters her first "shit baby" line.
Terrific dialogue. Snappy, entertaining, and easy to read. Loved Prince Tony's remarks: "I’m not my Dad, guns scare me and they don’t go well with my ensemble." Great writing.
Not sure Cyrus/Mother Gothel the same person at the end works. Prefer Cyrus -- his menacing handle-bar mustache -- as separate character. Mother served her purpose early on as Rapunzel's pimp with that funny exchange between Mother and Prince Tony.
Not crazy about the V.O. from Cyrus at the beginning. Don't think it's needed. Most of the information revealed doesn't seem particularly crucial to understanding the rest of the story.
Read the original Grimm version, and this one much better.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

Cyrus' voice over seems unnecessary in the first scene. We've already figured out that the guy on screen is rich (a prince). Other than that, Cyrus tells us nothing important. I say cut it, and let your story speak on its own.

If Mother Gothel is behind the closet, wouldn't Rapunzel have already known she was there, and then wouldn't she have refused to drop her hair for Tony?

Tony asking about the ad is just too fake. I think it'd be funnier if Tony himself used the line, like this: "Is this Cedars & Associates, where legal-supernatural woes go POOF like magic?" Then Cyrus responds: "Came up with that myself." That way, we understand immediately that Tony must be referencing some well-known advertising gimmick: humorous without resorting to the obvious set-up and punchline joke format.

Pages 3-5 are totally different from the first two. They're one giant conversation, no action. A pretty drastic tonal shift.

I have the same problems with the VO at the end. It'd be much better, IMO, if you just end it with Cyrus turning into Mother Gothel: that's a wacky twist, and funny. The VO just kills the humor, though, by dragging out the joke. The viewer's clever enough to figure it out without being told the obvious.

Leigh Smith (Level 4)

This is a creative twist on the fairy tale. It makes fun of itself and the genre in the way Scary Movie or Airplane does. Each character is created well. I really wanted to see a scene between the ole Bearded Lady and Prince Donkei after the happlier every after. Having Cyrus be old Mother Gothel was a neat change up.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

Your formatting is pretty good. There are some word usage errors - "but an loud nasally voice..." and "a oak wood desk." Nothing major, though.

You don't need the descriptions to be so elaborate. The second half of your script is, for the most part, face to face conversation. You need to get more action into this, and shortening the descriptions would free up some room for that.

Good work.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

I'm finding that the adaptations using voice overs still sound like fairy tales to me instead of an adapted story. And in every case the tale could have been told without the V.O. and it would have felt like a real story. In my opinion, using a voice over is the easy way out. Be more creative. Your writing is good, you definitely could have handled it.

Another thing I noticed is mixing modern day with a different time period. You have the guy in a limo and from the city and then also a fairy tale-like setting mixed in. It just feels inconsistant.

I think with more creativity and focus this could have been much better.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

I liked the twist. It was also good you didn't rely on humor just from making fun of fairy tales, because that would be awful. The dialog was funny.

Some moments didn't play as well. The limousine, the suit and word "city" were at odds with the strict fairy tale aspects, which quickly took over the story. Please adhere to one or the other takes. Some of the descriptions were trying too hard ("clears his throat in a snobbish way"), as were a few lines of dialog ("...guns scare me...").

A few times you went overboard with the tongue-in-cheek, but most of the time it was good.

Michael Cresta (Level 1)

You took this Grimm fairytale and really made it touch home. It felt very human and definately something most of us can relate you. People always say "first time you marry it's for love, second time you marry its for money." I felt it was really good, had a great flow to it. It was kind of a cheap twist at the end but you did what you needed in 5 pages. Congrats, you can definaetly write.

Michael Heeney (Level 2)

First V.O should be cut with extreme prejudice. There are a few funny bits but overall the attempt to update Rapunzel to a cheeky modern world isn't funny and feels contrived. Part of the problem is that these more famous fairy tales have a lot of plot development and its hard to cram them into five pages in a modern context without it being contrived, but so it goes. Unfortunately there are so many plot aberrations here from the actual Rapunzel tale this probably should have been dq/ed. Everything after page 3 is a mash up of Rumpelstiltskin and the Frog Prince, I'm assuming this was intentional and the author didn't just forget the actual ending of Rapunzel. Nonetheless the dialogue is weak and the twist at the end makes no sense.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

Fantastically original take on a well known tale, I love the whole idea of what happens after... and you tell it with a lot of humour.

Felt slightly let down that Cyrus was the witch, not sure why because it makes perfect sense for it to be her.

Dialogue got a little crude towards the end, not that I'm against that, it just didn't fir with the overall tone.

Good job, well done.

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5)

I'm not sure this worked for me. The style has a deliberate flippant tone and that made it so that I didn't engage with it. The story of Rapunzel is one that has quite a bit to work with in its original version so I guess I was disappointed that the adaptation doesn't really tell that story at all.

For me the starting voice overs are redundant. If you can avoid narrating voice over then it's a good idea to do so.

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

Your writing style and formatting are both good. The adaptation is a pretty good update of the original Grimm story. But who is your intended audience? Your script is really just the original fairy tale updated to modern times, with a twist at the end. (Nice twist, by the way.) But a fairy tale story with witches and magic isn't enough for adults unless you've done something really creative with it, but your version really isn't much different from the original. It's well-written, well-adapted, but kinda dull. Not because your writing is dull, but because the story is dull (for an adult audience), and you didn't do enough to jazz it up. That would be my one (huge) recommendation. Consider your audience, both when you decide to adapt a story, and when you decide HOW to adapt it. In this case, it needs some kind of spark.

Shane Shearer (Level 4)

"twenty-nine, the suave, romantic type, dressed in an expensive tailored suit, steps out of his fancy black limousine." - way too much information for my liking. Not only is it too long and overbearing, but it also hinders your ability to write more later on.

The conversation amongst the lawyer and Prince Tony is a mixture. In some spots it's very clever and other spots it's kinda forced. It seems to even itself out, in that respect.

"I’m sorry...but you have got to see the irony in all of this..." - no, I don't see the irony of him turning into a frog. Please explain, I feel like I'm being left out of a joke here.

Not too bad, but there is something missing from this script. I think it's got a few dirctions it wants to go in so it never gets to settle into it's own niche.

Shaun Bragg (Level 4)

This was a very good take on the fairy tale. With very good descriptions and decent dialouge. It gets interesting in the supernatural court/office. There aren't very much negative things I can say...

Its a good and familiar story that most of us grew up on and its very well done. Continue writing.

Victor Ojeda (Level 3)

This is a good attempt to make something funny out of a fairy tale. If comes up short tho. It does not really flow because you jumped drastically on the divorce without showing a hint of it in the middle of the story. Again. A good attempt with one too many holes.

Comments Made After the Contest

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5) ~ 7/1/2009 2:00 AM

I thought it was very funny and neat... and excellent.

Kevin Carty (Level 4) ~ 7/1/2009 3:18 AM

Thanks Khamanna and everyone that took the time to read my script. I'm so relieved there were no real formatting errors at least I got that down. I'm happy I finally got the courage to write a comedy. I struggled with it for a while on writing comedy. Its nice to know someone liked it.

Ok the first page was an introduction to this world that I was trying to immerse folks into. Being that Cyrus was part of the story and not just some talking narrator. I think it was necessary to say that this is a world quite similar to harry potter where modern and magic exist together. I started with the core story and the voice overs were a part of that deception to make you think that this was a world wind romance between Rapunzel and her "Prince Charming".

Rapunzel is not the same Rapunzel that you expect. She's the modern more frank character. I also wanted to show that Tony was clearly just too infatuated with Rapunzel and couldn't see her bad side. Being that she was raised by Mother Gothel some of the old lady had to rub off on her.

I don't think I jumped I tried to make it clear that in the first few lines about the hell he went through with Rapunzel. For those with kids might understand Post partem or dum depression and how having kids can change the dynamic of a marriage.

All of these were hints to what she is all about. Tony is for all purposes the bumbling idiot don't know if anyone got the play on his name donkei 'donkey'. I wanted to reference the Frog Prince and Rumplestiltskin as an extramarital affair being that he is a trickster and a charmer and he is considered short.

The supernatural court thing was also important for stating that magic exists in this modern world. The Cyrus character was in effect a lawyer you see on TV that is advertising his services and is good at what he does.

The witch is a conartist at her core I hinted to that in the beginning she even mentioned that Rapunzel was no good and was eager to get rid of her.

I really didn't think I needed any action to supplement the dialogue. I will say that I got a little carried away with the exchange between Cyrus and Tony in terms of discerning their characters because I wanted to express Tony's anger towards Rapunzel.

His regret for not reading the contract before signing it. I was trying to make it a mystery to get folks to want to read more to find out what happened that alone should have been a clue.

Didn't realize how angry folks would get over the voice overs I thought people would have seen what I was trying to say. I was definitely trying to mislead and make sure people knew that this was dark comedy (satire) and not a bubbly romantic comedy. I think I left lil clues to let people know that Cyrus' character was changing or at least not honest.

Thanks guys this is my first attempt at a comedy and writing a decent script but I guess I should have stuck more to that romantic stuff I think I might have had more success with that.

I'm just glad I got some really good comments pointers and criticisms this time and ratings. Thanks all.

Ashley Croft (Level 3) ~ 7/1/2009 6:32 AM

Kevin yours was actually my pick to win--not even lying lol.