Comments Made During the Contest

Adam Grage (Level 4)

The story is intriguing but the overall execution of it is lacking. The dialogue is fairly good in most parts but the whole blood in the bread bit is confusing and doesnt get any clarification in the story. I think this idea needs more space then the 5 pages and som because of that it doesnt have enough time to flesh out all the different angles --Hanna finding out where the Woman lives and the interaction between Wilheim and the woman at the end.

I think you need to find the core of the story and present it better because right now it isnt clear enough.

Good luck.

Aralis Bloise (Level 4)

This was a clever idea to set the story in Nazi Germany. The setting fit the story's tone perfectly and tells the exact story the Brother's Grimm intended but in a way that its relevant to a reader today. I'm not sure that a Nazi officer would run over to rescue a beggar woman like that unless maybe it's stated at leas a little that he was prompted by the supernatural appearance of the blood. It's a little detail but I think it would make his actions more real to me.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

This was written and paced very well. The characters and dialogue were believable, but the story didn't make a lot of sense to me. I did not understand why the loaf of bread would have bled, why Wilhelm would bring loaves to the family or why the family was all dying one by one over the course of one evening. I'm sure it's all in the Grimm version, but those things did not make sense to me within this adaptation. I also did not see the relevance to the gold stars that freaked Wilhelm out? Were they the Star of David, meaning the family was Jewish? That was the only thing I could figure that might freak him out like that, but it was unclear.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

Very good indeed!

My only slight worry was doubting the credibility of Wilhelm's compassion in the context of his promotion into the SS and the strange shift of character of Lilah from Earth Mother to bitch.

Little points:

Your dialogue sometimes sounds unnatural because you don't use contractions -

they are not coming until eight and I am famished...A person talking would say 'they're' and 'I'm'

Ohhhhhhh!! - I do wish you hadn't done this. It lowers the tone immediately.

Chris Keaton (Level 5)

I think this was written rather well. The stark story fits the Grimm style. I like how you set it in an equally grim time. I didn't really get the supernatural aspect or how her sister and the blood all tied together. I think with some tweaks and more of the story it would be excellent.

Notes:
- Title over should probably be SUPER:
- You really pushed the bottom page margins.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

I love how you set this story in Nazi Germany. It works perfectly.

Your craft is very good. The story is strong. The blood pouring forth from the bread is haunting.

My only suggestions. It feels a little rushed at the end. All the children dying like that. Maybe it would work better if it were just one child, a baby. Also, at times the dialogue feels a tad melodramatic.

But those are small complaints, in an otherwise wonderful adaptation.

Cindy S Duvall (Level 3)

This telling of the the Grimm tale "God's Food" is very well retold in a classic rich man - poor man fashion during the time of Nazi Germany.

I do think that it is a bit overstated and perhaps could have used more pith in it's description of characters. That would have allowed for more space and not seemed so crammed at the end.

However...that being said I really enjoyed reading this and could see everything taking place....which is what screenwriting is all about, isn't it?

The story itself is bleak and sad and the author captured the real climate of the time, I thought.

Kudos to a job well done!

David Birch (Level 5)

love the imagination put into the adaptation...delivery was top notch...easy read...high marks all around

David R. Harding (Level 3)

God's Food is a brief little Grimm gem which strikes at the heart of greed and dispassion.
Seem's the writer of this entry appreciates that assault and has fashioned a familiar, yet very interesting, account by translating the Grimm offering to more modern times, Nazi Germany.
Though the intensely serious nature of this story warrants the use of much descriptive language, I thought the writer here may have gone just a bit over the top. Some well considered pith here would have improved this story's look as a script, I feel. It appears cramped and a bit overdone in places..
I am not certain the second scene is written correctly. I had to go back and reread to get a real handle on what was intended there. The scene is certainly effective, but the reading was a bit awkward for me.
Overall, this script is very good and, I believe, some brief attention could make it even better.

Dawn Calvin (Level 5)

Loved it. When I get something that catches my attention, via visually or emotionally and is written well, I give it an Excellent.

Now, if you were trying to surprise me in the end with them being jewish, no go. It was obvious. But if they were actually dead and ghosts, now that would have been a surprise.

But.. the writing was good, the feeling was there and you did a wonderful job of taking me on a trip thru the story.

good luck.

Erin Arbogast (Level 3)

This is one of my favorites so far! I loved how you related this story to Nazi Germany and I thought having the rich sister married to a German officer (and hiding her Jewish identity) was really clever.

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

A depressing story. An excellent screenplay! Here are a few comments ... I had to really search to find some suggestions!

Sometimes it is possible to improve writing by turning two sentences into one. EXAMPLE #1: "Lilah opens the door. The gaunt WOMAN with the baby and four children stands there." CONSIDER: "Lilah opens the door to the gaunt WOMAN with the baby and four children." EXAMPLE #2: "They all have sunken eyes and ghoulish skin. They shiver in thin coats and ragged shawls." CONSIDER: "They have sunken eyes and ghoulish skin, and shiver in thin coats and ragged shawls."

Wonderful description: "WILHELM SCHMIDT, (40), square jaw, blonde hair, devastatingly
handsome with a twinkle in his Aryan eyes, strolls in. He oozes charm, wealth and power."

Jeannie Sconzo (Level 5)

I had hopes for this but was a bit pulled out of the story with the foreign verbage.
Still a pretty good adaptation.

Jeff Ferry (Level 4)

This was a good story. I thought it was a little jumbled at some points especially around the bread incident. I thought the emotional weight of the starving and eventually dying children carried this story. The ending was very good and powerful.

Jeffrey Slocum (Level 4)

Well written. Realistically tragic and a cold reminder of what hard times really means. Interesting to make a fairy tale out of such a morbid and torturous theme. I liked it.

Jess Flower (Level 3)

Absolutely great. This was Excellent. I was drawn in by the entire story. I read this one as I looked at which stories to adapt myself, and recall it. Here's a compliment for you. I read it and said to myself, "No way. There is no way to adapt this one and make any sense." You did it. I could see the whole movie. And thank you for not trying to create the accent for the characters. I instantly could hear it myself in my mind as I read it -- just as it should be. I only have one little thing -- lose the title in the beginning. The Nazi sign tells us when it is, and the year is unnecessary for the story as it is revealed in the dialogue. It honestly takes away from your story and it's good enough to stand on it's own. Best one I've read so far. You get my vote.

John Brooke (Level 5)

Your chilling tale is sure as shootin’ Grimm. You have exhibited a creative leap putting your adaptation in the era of Nazi oppression.

I admire your interpretation of the title “God’s Food’ with blood streaming from the crested loafs of bread and their haunting symbolism in the final scene of man’s inhumanity to man.

I must go back and read the original story to confirm what I have read here. In any event I think this is a good but a bloody grim script.

Your tale is a lot better than the original Grimm story by a wide margin, and you keep key details and the morality of the fairy tale intact. A sad powerful vignette!

Jose Batista (Level 5)

Great Job. You have taken the original story and set it up in WWII era germany. A successful feat. The setting was ideal for this type of story and the way it was carried out in the script was flawless. The only part I did not understand was the bleeding load of bread. Besides that, the script moves at a good pace, has great dialogue and well crafted visuals. The bread with the family crest at the end was a satisfying ending and the visual with the setting sun on it made it very meaningful.
Not much more to say, other than Excellent Work!

Kathleen Clevenger (Level 4)

Great adaption. Way to up the stakes by placing this story in Nazi Germany. I wonder if Lilah will be caught due to the evidence Wilhelm left behind, the crest on the bread. That is, if Wilhelm doesn't out his wife first. I thought your dialogue and descriptions were great. What are sugar mice?
I thought you crammed your script with more characters than you needed. Perhaps you could minimize the servants in your rewrite, and give the main characters a bit more focus. Otherwise, great job!

Kevin Carty (Level 4)

Here's my problem the last part seemed rushed. It was kind of exciting but it also didn't really show what was going on in the right way. I don't really get it at once. It sucks at the part where you describe their death. The star part I'm not really sure about does that mean its the jewish star. I am confused about that. Good story but need to be a lil more clear than throwing flower petals and honey on your every word. This is one of the better scripts though.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

An easy read, very well written. Unusual setting - I like that.

So basically a woman begs her sister for food, her sister doesn't help her and the woman dies together with her children. I don't object to it, I just don't see the learning. Loathes of bread remained a mystery, made me think it was some horror story, when it's not, right?

I checked the original, there's no learning in that one too. Did not like the original at all. Yours is better. good job overall.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Compelling story with page-turning interest. Characters interesting. Nice definition and contrast between Lilah and Hanna and Lilah and Wilhelm.
Description visual. Particularly enjoyed the modern adaptation of what probably is an old fable.
Dialogue clear and concise. Moves story along nicely.
Have to assume the blood oozing around knife, and from bread onto the floor is taken from Grimm original. Didn't fit with the remainder of this story. Unsure how the sister/beggar with the five kids had anything to do with the blood. Wilhelm bolting with the loaves of bread to find his wife's family seems awkward.
Believe story would have worked better by omitting blood scene, and giving Wilhelm motivation, more than his observance of the bread and blood, to seek out the Woman and her kids.
After reading the original, like this version better. Changing location to 1940s Berlin was original and creative.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

What are "sugar mice"?

The script is flowing so well and I know where it's going, so the anticipation is really building. But the flow got really disrupted with this on-the-nose dialogue: "Muller and Heydrich will be eating your delicious food tonight and this time tomorrow I will be a full member of Hitler's SS." Is there any other way to get both items of info across without Wilhelm having to stop and tell us so directly? Besides, Lilah's already mentioned her husband is SS, so that seems extraneous anyway. Just leave in the "Loyal! Valiant! Obedient!": that's really cool and gets the idea across.

Wilhelm's sudden urge to help out the beggars came across as too sudden. The guy's SS. He's concerned about a lot of things, but I wouldn't think abrupt altruism to be one of them. I was hoping that he would take the loaves as a pretense to DO AWAY with the beggar children once he learned they were Jewish. That would be far more impactful, in my opinion: the SS man killing his wife's family to hide traces of Jewish blood. It would still work within the adaptation, as well, I think.

Leigh Smith (Level 4)

This script start out with many strong images. It everyone's loving mom versus the ice princess. The setting of this script evokes many emotions on its own like hate and jealousy. The story is thoughtfully woven on top of the dreadful backdrop. The characters are put together well. The story finishes strong on a positive note inspite of the setting of the story.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

Very interesting take on this story! I love the way you end this with the bread.

Excellent work.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

I like this. I really like the setting. But I had so many questions after reading it. I've been reading the originals after the adaptations and you did a great job, but even the original left me with questions. I think you could have answered those questions in your adaptaion. Like why was there blood in the bread? Was it a "voodoo" type thing? And how did the sisiter and her kids die? Did she poison them??

You sometimes use wrylies to describe action. Example: (she gets up) (Lilah drinks) -those should be action lines. Wrylies should be used sparingly to show a facial expression that may not be obvious and also for the tone of someone's voice that may not be obvious.

I just ended up very confused. I wish you would have taken the opportunity to give some kind of explanation, even if it wasn't explained in the original, to make it a more complete story.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

Wow. This script would do excellently even as a stand-alone from this contest.

I love how you've adapted what was already a bleak story into a different setting which gives extra significance to the rich sister's rejection of the poor one, and also added a lot of your own details, including the loaves of bread left behind with the family crest on.

The only thing that was a bit out of place was the blood flowing from the loaf of bread. I guess that was essential to the story, but here it just felt a bit too supernatural to fit with the other story elements and didn't make much sense (as it did in the original story, but they can get away with it as it's a fairy tale).

Excellent.

Michael Hoffman (Level 4)

Just got to this one at the last minute and I'm glad I did. This was an excellent entry.

The characters were well thought out and all had their own voice and place in the tale. The action flowed very well and I was able to put all of my attention on the story without being distracted by any formatting issues.

I also liked that the story was such a smooth read despite many strange details that might normally leave me scratching my head. A credit to the writer's skill for sure.

This was obviously not an easy subject to tackle but it was done with class and care while still allowing for an entertaining read.

I really loved the final shot. The story is wrapped but the emblem on the bread creates the intrigue about what will occur for Wilhelm's family, long after after the script is over.

Excellent work.

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5)

This is a very strong adaptation and I like the choice of setting. It is well written and has a powerful ending.

The one thing I'm not sure about is the blood pouring out of the bread thing. I wonder if there is not some less super natural way to create the same kind of message. At the moment it feels like the only departure from a drama.

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

A very nice adaptation of a very grim, depressing story. A good choice setting it in Nazi Germany and adding another layer to the conflict. (Not just rich vs. poor, but also Nazi vs. Jew.) Good choices and well-executed. Ironic that the true hero of the story (if there is one) is Wilhelm, a loyal Nazi and an SS hopeful who has invited Muller and Heydrich to dinner. Well done.

Shane Shearer (Level 4)

If you're going to capitalize WOMAN you should probably capitalize BABY and CHILDREN as they are characters and are in the shot as well... just saying.

Oh wow, I liked the original story well enough, now that you've added a Nazi twist, we just might have ourselves an Academy Award winner here; you just KNOW how those old folk love Holocaust films, and rightfully so: it was a devastating tragedy.

Way to go, this was very very good. Excellently written and paced. Wonderfully set up and with such a touching last scene; nearly brought tears to my eyes. This is such a great story and you brought out the best in it.

You have a flair for drama and it shows. Keep up the excellent work.

Shaun Bragg (Level 4)

That evil Lillah all she had to do was give her sister and her children some bread. You reap what you soe.

The realtionships between the characters needs work and I didn't understand the husband's purpose in the script. He didn't have to be there to make the action progress.

Overall this was a affective story and a good read.

Shawn Cottrill (Level 3)

I like the descriptions of the characters; especially in the beginning. There are a few typos in the dialogue that keep it from sounding natural in some parts. I was not aware of this story before reading your script, but most of Grimm's fairy tales are pretty dark and I felt you did a good job of conveying that.

Shedric Bragg (Level 3)

The script wasn't very entertaining and it didn't strike up many emotions. The story lacked in certain places. For example the realtionship between the sisters and the husband.

There are some things I would change. For instance. I'd use fewer words in my descriptions.

Victor Ojeda (Level 3)

Simply wow. The grammar is flawless. The use of terms. The description. This is my favorite so far. I am not familiar with the story so I approached It as an original. I completely and utterly loved your work it is of professional level. I can't wait to find out who wrote this.

Comments Made After the Contest

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus) ~ 7/1/2009 12:05 AM

Whoo hoo MJ! Go the Brit girls!

Brian Wind (Level 5) ~ 7/1/2009 12:24 AM

Congrats MJ!

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 7/1/2009 12:25 AM

Congratulations. I really liked this a lot and I'm thrilled to see you get your first top three finish.

Sally Meyer (Moderator) ~ 7/1/2009 12:30 AM

Whoo hoo MJ!!!!!!

MJ Hermanny (Level 5) ~ 7/1/2009 12:31 AM

I'm incredibly thrilled too Chris! Can't believe it! Have to keep going back to the results page to make sure!!

Michael Hoffman (Level 4) ~ 7/1/2009 12:33 AM

Congrats MJ! I just got to this one right before the deadline and delighted I did. Excellent job!

Margaret Ricke (Level 5) ~ 7/1/2009 12:37 AM

Congratulations! I loved this!

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5) ~ 7/1/2009 1:21 AM

Great job MJ!!! Well deserved. :)

Shane Shearer (Level 4) ~ 7/1/2009 9:40 AM

Stellar!

Jose Batista (Level 5) ~ 7/1/2009 10:07 AM

This was deserving of a top finish, Great Job and Congratulations.

John Brooke (Level 5) ~ 7/1/2009 10:08 AM

¡Excelente!

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5) ~ 7/1/2009 12:45 PM

MJ, you're rocketing to the top. I love to read your stories, keep 'em coming!

Matias Caruso (Level 5) ~ 7/1/2009 1:32 PM

Nice! Congratulations. :D

MJ Hermanny (Level 5) ~ 7/1/2009 1:59 PM

Kyle so glad to have placed with you this month!

Matias - yay! I've been dying for you to read something of mine - thank you!

Paul Williams (Level 5) ~ 7/2/2009 6:15 PM

Hey MJ, congratulations on your second place finish! I didn't get a chance to review any of the Grimm Bros. scripts, but I was thrilled to see you and Kyle placed second and first respectively. Both you guys are true assets to the MoviePoet community with your constructive reviews every month and input in the forums.

Congratulations again!

MJ Hermanny (Level 5) ~ 7/3/2009 3:56 PM

Thanks Paul, your supportive comments are really appreciated.