Comments Made During the Contest

Ammar Salmi (Level 5)

Almost a perfect script. The dialogue felt a bit dull at some parts, but not biggy. like this one:
WOLF
Hey, no problem. I understand. I’m
just going to take a few things as
payment before I go.

My only take on this script is that you followed the original story step by step. You don't have too. Why would see your adaptation if you are providing the same material I read in the grimm brothers story. Never forget to put you personal, magical and special touch.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

Typos and passive descriptions in the opening paragraph do not make a very good first impression for a reader. After that first half page, there weren't really any formatting issues that I noticed. The story itself was a bit crowded. Maybe write a few of the minor characters that play no real part in the story (Erwyn & Dad). The ending seemed a bit anticlimatic. There was no twist, no real climax, no punchline... It wasn't terrible or anything, but I think it could be improved. Nice effort, just needs some polishing.

Carl Thoren (Level 1)

I loved reading your adaptation -- so much so that I'm struggling to find something constructive to say. I think you did a great job of transforming a story with talking animals into a realistic, modern-day scenario, and the story is very well structured. Cat is a wonderful and intriguing character -- I think she would be a great character in a longer script. You could do better at describing Erwyn, though. I never had a clear picture of him; it would be nice if you brought out the animal characteristics he personifies (I'm suspecting a bird, but am not sure). Your writing is vivid and easy to follow; the action sequences are especially clear. And the dialogue is wonderful.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

This is quite well-written in each section, but the sections don't seem to link up. Cat starts us off so it seems she is the protagonist but then she disappears and reappears at the end. Then, maybe it's Emma, then maybe Wolf? The one person who is almost NOT in the story is Sultan, who is meant to be the main man!

Focus more on your protagonist!

I felt the insect scene at the end was very contrived.

A couple of points:

a pair pink Converse shoes - a pair OF pink Converse shoes? Shame to miss a word in your first sentence.

(Hysterical)(Sobbing) - yes, we KNOW that without you telling us.

Chris Keaton (Level 5)

I digged this tale Dog! Quick, fast paced, and has a dog and cat. I couldn't see any real problems with it. I like how you were squeeze a bizarre tale into a modern story. The fight seemed tacked on, like there was something missing between the second act and the third, but I can't put my finger on it.

Note:
- Why no Fade In?
- Follow
- Why no Fade Out

Chris Messineo (Founder)

There are a lot of great moments here. I'm not sure they all connected for me though. It kind of felt jammed together in five pages.

Who is the protagonist of this story? What is their arc? What do they want and who is stopping them? The only character I really liked was Cat, but nothing seems to change for her. Also, I'm not sure why the insects are important to this story.

Cindy S Duvall (Level 3)

This story works well in the update and the author cleverly used the slang term "dog" to refer to the main character.
It is a bit contrived but the story sticks pretty close to the intentions of the original.

Good technique and intersting dialogue make for good storytelling. An overall good effort.

David Birch (Level 5)

congrats on a job well done...like the fact that you used a lot of creativity with your adaptation, as opposed to a simple recycling of the original in screenplay form...if i had any concerns, it would be to watch the use of those "dreaded" ly words...you write well and adverbs can slow a read down...other than that, top marks all around...

David R. Harding (Level 3)

Old Sultan is a tale of an old dog (literally) whose master determines his aged servant's days are numbered because of lack of teeth and inability to serve.
This entry presents Sultan as not an old dog but, a young one (according to modern jargon). This Sultan's dilemna is that of being somehow abandoned by his foster parents (?) as they are preoccupied with a young child of their own. And as in the original, a deal is struck to overcome pending adversity.
Though I felt there are some real strengths to this imaginative entry, I encountered some bits of troubling and unlikely, I thought, convenience in action and subsequent dialogue which gave this script a slightly contrived feel at times.
Overall, the tale is told and this is a good effort.

Erin Arbogast (Level 3)

This one was really cute. Grimm stories tend to be, well, grim and it was refreshing to read something humorous and somewhat light. This is another script that I think could make a really great project for someone.

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

Interesting way to modernize this old tale. Good work. A couple of suggestions follow.

Proofread: "A large beetle scurries down the sidewalk fallowed by a pair pink Converse shoes." Should be: "A large beetle scurries down the sidewalk, FOLLOWED by a pair OF
pink Converse shoes."

Look for places to make your writing more active. Example: "Sultan is sprawled out on the leather sectional watching TV." Consider instead: "Sultan, sprawled on the leather sectional, watches TV."

Gabe Feinberg (Level 2)

I think you're trying to do too much. From the argument to the lunchroom to the kidnapping to the first fight and then the second fight, for a 5-6 minute film, you are all over the place. Because you're moving around so much and focusing on the movement of the narrative, the audience has no idea what sort of people your characters are beyond one-dimensional character traits (Sultan smokes, Karen is the caring mom, Wolf is a wannabe tough-guy with his loser-thug friend Erwyn, etc.). As a result, the audience has minimal investment in any of the actions of the characters. I guess we're supposed to be feel like Sultan is a good guy in that he doesn't let Wolf steal from the house, but then again, he just let Wolf kidnap a baby-which, by the way, lost all emotional value because that sequence so rapidly shifted into the next that the audience was forced to forget about it all together. My recommendation is that you try narrowing your focus to one moment and on developing your characters a bit more.

Jeannie Sconzo (Level 5)

Why so much vulgarity?
I did not connect with any of these characters.
In the original story, Sultan was likable, but not so much here.

Jeffrey Slocum (Level 4)

Fairly well written, with some spelling errors. I thought it was enjoyable. Wasn't sure if it was supposed to look like cat had a gun? And Sultan wouldn't know Cat would step on Erwyn's hand, or that the spider would freak them out...so, was Sultan going to fight and have Cat watch? Not sure what the plan was, but I liked it. I thought after hitting Wolf with the lamp, someone would walk in and praise him for clobbering the kidnapper.

John Brooke (Level 5)

You have certainly managed to upgrade this old Grimm tale and instill it with contemporary relevance. Very creative transpositions of animals into human children. Terrific adaptation in my mind.

I felt your opening lines were sort of awkward, but once you got into the action of the piece you hit your stride.

The bully boy’s braggadocio and the seriousness of the situation was turned around masterfully into a amusing joke.

The little girl, ‘Cat’ with her ‘bug jar’ was a priceless sweet visual vignette.

Good work

Jose Batista (Level 5)

Very Good Adaptation of the tale. The setting and circumstance that Sultan and the other characters found themselves in was well crafted and thought of. The basic elements of the story were kept intact, as well as the plot. I liked the way everything followed, scene by scene, with fluid pace and great dialogue.

My only dislike is the end. The original ends with Wolf apologizing, and that would have been better than just having Sultan LOL and Cat catch a spider. The spider having scared off the bullies was believable, but still left me wanting something more substantial. Other than that, You did a Very Good job. Cheers.

Kevin Carty (Level 4)

Fade in and Fade out where are they. Cute lil opening to a cute little script. I spotted a couple of bad grammar mistakes and typos. I also got the sense that this was just ok cause there were too many characters not really doing anything. Every line or almost every line introduces a new character I really don't care for or have anytime to take a real journey with. So its just good.
Rewrite and get the story focused on one character or two if need be.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

That was so funny and witty! I truly enjoyed it, thank you.

My only complain is your first paragraph. There's a typo and a missing preposition right in the first sentence of the script. Made me nervious. On the other hand I settled for something not as good. And this is very good!

And I liked how you preserved their names! Wolf could be a nickname. I know a person by the name Sultan.

The thing I liked the most is I don't have to go back to Grimm to understand what the story is about. It's all on your pages.

Very good!

Kirk White (Level 5)

I like this! a very clever update on this story. Good job!

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Original idea that does not resemble a fairy tale. Characters interesting, well-defined. Worried for a minute that Cat was going to get stabbed. Whew.
Good job giving some distinction to Sultan, Wolf, and Erwyn. Not sure Sultan's description should include "clean-cut." Making him a little more like the other two boys -- other than the smoking habit -- might allow John and Karen to not come across as so harsh. Perhaps, "Time for him to go" warrants more information about what else Sultan's been doing.
Real easy read. Most of dialogue clean and concise.
Setup visual. Particularly liked the description of Cat following the beetle with her pink shoes. Entertaining.
Unsure whether omitting that Wolf snatched baby Emma, prior to Karen screaming, is a good idea. Read the description a couple times before reading forward to discover he apparently had.
This version much better than the Grimm fairy tale. Liked the update to modern time period. A real adaptation done well.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

Wolf didn't risk his life. He risked jail.

I like the way you changed Sultan, Cat, and Wolf to people. That really serves your story well.

If I was Wolf, I'd have just wiped the floor with Sultan right then and there. I'm not sure his motivation of running for friends is strong enough for him not to retaliate immediately.

Sultan only shrugs when Cat comes with him? If I was going to a fight, and I was clean-cut kid (not far from the truth :)), I'd sure as heck not want my little sister coming with me (even if Sultan is a foster child, which I kinda got from an earlier dialogue of Wolf's about "The Johnson's are kicking you out"). Sultan should have said something, and then Cat should have insisted.

A GREAT ending. Very Good!

Laur Clevenger (Level 1)

Best one I've read so far! And I'm not lying!

Leigh Smith (Level 4)

The fact that Wolf is a crackhead made it more believable that he and Erwin would think that a jar is a gun.

I would have the characters, Sultan, Wolf and Erwin even younger. That would make Wolf's crack smoking even more disturbing. And i think they would still be in the mindset that fighting is the way to solve their problem. I've been out of high school for a while, but 19 seems a bit old to be in high school.

This is only a suggestion. If the characters are going to stay the age they are, I would have Wolf steal something out of the house with the plans of selling it for money. Most crackheads just take what they need and sell it to someone who has money for far less than it's worth. That way when Sultan discovers that something is missing his confrontation with Wolf could lead the the ending

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

Spellcheck won't pick up on words that are spelled correctly but used in the wrong way. Always do a visual. You've got "fallowed" instead of "followed."

This is a fun story. It's well written. The characters are interesting and each have they're own voice. The dialogue is natural. The pacing good.

Good work.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

I was confused here. Are John and Karen humans or cats? The first half page really threw me off. **Okay, I just read it for a third time and I get it now. Cat is the girl's name. Not sure why I didn't get that but if I'm not the only one you might need to make that clearer...or maybe I'm just a dope. :)

The story here was okay. A bit much for 5 pages maybe. A lot of characters to follow. I had a hard time following it in a few places, the first page obviously and then in a few other spots. I shouldn't have to read more than once to understand what's going on. So I think the idea was a good one, it just could have been executed better.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

The ending was really good. I liked how you came full circle with the insect/spider catching, and how easily Wolf and his friends fell apart by themselves.

It might be difficult to tell if the characters are animals or human if they go by animal names. I figured it out, but it would have been clearer if they had human names.

Some action could be improved, usually by removing adverbs and replacing the verb with something more appropriate that gives the tone of the action.

Overall it was good.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

This was one of my favourite Grimm tales as a kid and I like your adaptation.

Is Sultan at a foster home? Seems odd the way his parents talk about kicking him out - perhaps a line to make that clearer.

You capture the essence of the story well but I would have liked more of Sultan, he's a real character in the original and doesn't develop much here.

It's a longish story to squeeze into 5 pages and I think you've done a good job.

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5)

This is a well written quirky story. I had trouble keeping track of the various steps in the story, and for me it probably has too much in it for a story this length. Specifically I not sure that the first scene does much for the story.

"the sidewalk f#o#llowed"

Raymond Belair (Level 3)

Not bad. The change in tone threw me though. It started off with a gritty feel (kidnap schemes, knives, and blood), then turned into a cartoon at the end (prat falls, mistaking jar for a gun, thugs afraid of squirrels and bugs). Also, you need to be careful about what information you are getting across to the audience. We see two people talking with a baby nearby. Viewers wouldn't know these are the Johnsons referred to in the next scene. We assume Sultan is the "him" they are discussing, but since we learn they might kick him out, does this mean he's a foster kid, or something? And how does Wolf know what's going on in the Johnson household? I didn't quite get the kidnapping plot either - Why was Wolf helping Sultan (to the degree he was risking a long jail term)? Why did it seem like Karen didn't know Sultan in the park? Why does Wolf risk showing up at the house of the woman whose baby he just stole? Good luck.

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

This is a really good adaptation. Great idea to move it to modern times and make Sultan a foster kid about to be kicked out of his home. Great! I really enjoyed it a lot until the final showdown in the woods. Then, the whole tone of the piece changes from a great story about a kid being lured into an exploitative situation, back into a goofy Grimm's fairy tale type of thing. The guy falling off the tree branch, the thugs mistaking the bug jar for a gun, Cat doing some bug hunting in the midst of the big showdown, and spiders catapulting through the air -- all kind of a silly ending to a story that didn't start out silly. So, I give high marks to the first 75 percent of the script, but I would recommend changing the end so that it fits with the rest of the story. I would even recommend totally eliminating the Cat character -- I know you included her to be faithful to the original Grimm story, but you don't need her in your adaptation, the space devoted to her could be better utilized. Overall, though, very good job with this.

Shaun Bragg (Level 4)

This Coming Of Age story has some very good moments early on and scattered about. Simliar to a popular 80's movie. The realtionship between Wolf and the Sultan I could connect with them somewhat. I would make some changes in the story but I respect the choices this writer has chosen.

The ending had some suspense but ended sort of flat. Not to take anything from this but it wasn't as climatic as I thought it would be. I liked this though. Keep up the good work.

Sibilla Carini (Level 2)

This is exactly what I was expecting from this month's contest. It sticks to the original story perfectly, while at the same time giving the reader completely different pictures then the fairy tale does.
Although, the script doesn't seem to have been proof-read, it was very well written. I can picture every scene very well, which is the essence of a good script.

Tyrone Banks (Level 3)

This was an okay story. The script got off course a bit after Sultan managed to do a good deed and seize a baby.

The formatting was good and the dialouge was pretty good as well. No major disappointments. The ending was alright.

Keep up the good work.

Victor Ojeda (Level 3)

Ok positives first. It has several entertaining details and it was worth reading from beginning to end. The only graw cloud looming over what its otherwise a solid script is the secuence of events is a bit unrealistic. I know this is an adaptation of a fantasy story but if you are going to adapt it to the real world it Should reamin realistic.

Comments Made After the Contest