Comments Made During the Contest

Andrew Stone (Level 3)

This is very well written and the story moves along at a nice clip. My only issue is that this feels incomplete. This feels more like the setup to a feature film or a long short film. Having them meet, bond a little bit, and say that they'll meet tomorrow doesn't feel like a complete story. A short needs a little reveal or twist at the end - something that signifies that this is the end of the story. That said, these are interesting characters and this might be worth pursuing as a feature script.

Aralis Bloise (Level 4)

This is a good premise for a story, but I feel it needs a little more tightening up. felt almost like I was watching the trailer for a longer movie than reading a short script. I don 't mean this to sound as a bad thing. Your character are intersting and well developed and I see potential for a longer story but for this assignment I think it would work better if you had less locations and just narowed it down to a couple of scenes.

Ashley White (Level 3)

I thought that the story itself was very well planned out and very well written. Your desriptions and actions are written very well. As far as screenplay format goes, it seems to read a little more like a short story than a screenplay. Maybe try and break down the large paragraphs a little more.

Charles Bonet (Level 3)

I liked the dynamic between the two main characters. I think some of the dialogue was a tad hokey, but overall the characters came through pretty well. I liked the use of urban locations. The subway, the bridge, and especially the underpass were all good visuals and helped to establish the world these characters live in.

At times, the writing seemed too cluttered and could have been streamlined. I think saying things in as few words as possible is key in screenwriting. The required closing lines were incorporated nicely. Overall, I think the story could be tightened up a bit. Still, a good read.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

I really like the idea of these two homeless women connecting with each other.

Your characters are very interesting and your do a good job with the mood and tone.

At times, your writing feels a little too much like prose, but still the story is pretty strong here.

David Birch (Level 5)

my biggest issue i had with the script was with the constant insertion of "subtext"...write what we see/hear..."presumably her daughter", "for the first time in a long time", "it seems our protaganist has a reputation here."..."having never felt this alive in a lifetime."...those thing are acceptable in a novel or a short story...not in a script...also, you took 10 lines (3 paragraphs) to introduce us to a homeless woman that could have been done in 3 (4 max)...keep it simple...the interaction between the two main characters felt real enough, but i had a hard time buying the "car jacking"...seemed a bit contrived....

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

A good job on a subject matter that is difficult to write about. Here are a few suggestions which I hope will help your writing.

"Sirens, car engines and inaudible chatter fill every corner of the air as people go
about there routines." THERE should be THEIR.

"homeless lady (40-50)" First of all, homeless lady should be in ALL CAPS when the character is introduced. Secondly, I would change (40-50) to (40s). Also, I would suggest that you introduce her name here, too, rather than at the end of the paragraph. So: "PARKER, homeless lady (40s)..." Then delete the last sentence in the paragraph.

"She is rejected from shops and cafes, begs but to no avail." This would be an excellent place to put a scene. Show don't tell! How does she beg? How is she rejected?

"Taylor jumps up to her feet and rubs her eyes." If you can say something with less words than do it. Consider deleting the word UP. In my opinion it is redundent.

"Parker collapses to the floor at the thought of the drop." Only write what can be filmed. How can you film "at the thought of the drop"?

Write in an active voice. One way to do this is to eliminate as many IS and ARE's as you can. Example: "The shopkeeper is too engrossed in a newspaper to even notice her." Consider instead: "The shopkeeper, engrossed in a newspaper, does not notice her." Another example: "Taylor and Parker are settled in a dirty underpass with low lighting." Consider instead: "Taylor and Parker settle under a dirty underpass with low lighting." A final example: "Parker and Taylor are bundled into a tight shop doorway, fast asleep." Consider: "Parker and Taylor sleep, bundled into a tight shop doorway."

Gabe Feinberg (Level 2)

I'm not really sure what this story is about. It seems like your characters are simply going through the motions of existence without any real substance to them. What I mean is that most of their character description comes from your descriptions, not the characters actions, which is the only way we'll actually ever see what the characters are truly like. Also, I think you may be trying to cover too much ground. I recognize that you are trying to show your two characters in the entire world in which they live, but you travel to so many different locations and so many different events occur that they each end up getting short-changed as you quickly jump to the next event. I would recommend narrowing your focus and maybe sticking to one or two moments. I liked the sequences in the car and in the shelter because they shed the most light onto the character.

Jay Simms (Level 3)

I enjoyed this story alot. It was an easy read and made sense in leading to the end.
I didn't like the one line, "Taylor laughs as he grunts and slams the door shut."
I know Taylor is not the "he", but you have to read the line over again to make sure it's the shopkeeper that slams the door shut. Not a big deal and a simple mistake.
I'd say, good effort and good job.

Jeannie Sconzo (Level 5)

Sorry to say I don't feel there is much of a story here. There wasn't enough happening urging me to keep reading.

John Brooke (Level 5)

SYNOPSIS: Parker, middle aged totally destitute baglady befriends Taylor a penniless younger (18–20) version of herself through preventing her suicide. The two of them share what little they have and together begin to dig themselves out of the gutter. Taylor leads the way out of their hopelessness and Parker begins her return to life.

A down and out story in London England that climbs out of the muck of life’s hopelessness to hopefulness. Parker goes from total despair and emotional numbness to life and love through caring about Taylor.

Your actions and dialogs ring of reality and paint a grim picture of down and out. Man’s inhumanity to man. This is a wonderfully uplifting script to read and should make a jewel of a short movie. Your writing craftsmanship is self evident in this well crafted short screen play. Very Good Work

Jose Batista (Level 5)

This script is good because of the friendship that develops between the two homeless women. However, it's bad because nothing more is shown other than their struggle to get something to eat or find a peaceful place to sleep. There is no resolution for them at the end. Not even a glimpse of hope for the coming day. This is what undoes the script. The two ladies are well voiced and their plight is heartfelt, but you keep them stuck down there instead of moving them up and elevatint their status somehow, either through chance or hard work. If the script were to encompass that within its ending then this will be an excellent indeed. Keep writing, as this was a Good script and it has great potential.

Kevin Carty (Level 4)

You are a good writer but my fear is that you have packed too much stuff into your descriptions and actions. Like I said good writing but also the story seems like it has been done way too much.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

You thought up a very good idea. And I also thought that the flow was good. Too many scenes for a short perhaps though.

I'm thinking your descriptions need tightening. You could start with "Typical London morning" perhaps. Then delete "in the air" (your second sentence). Actually get rid of " as people go about theIR routines completely" maybe. Then it would sound more crisp. To me at least:)

When Parker looked at the picture at first my heart sank, I thought she's gonna tell Taylor who is who, but I'm glad that you left it kind of unresolved. Good!

KP Mackie (Level 5)

A flair for description. Characters interesting and well developed.
Probably too much information in the descriptions; reads in parts like a book.
Many instances of being in Parker and Taylor's head. A couple times may be fine, but overuse can be a distraction. Lines such as, "As if defeated by life" and "It seems our protagonist has a reputation here" cannot be portrayed on the screen. An actor will take the words and apply the appropriate emotion.
Feels like the story rambles sometimes. Perhaps Parker and Taylor's travels can be edited down.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

The margins look way too wide.

And, as always, when the margins are too wide, it seems like there are too many words to fill them. Concentrate on economy of language. My eyes started glazing over at all of the editorial commentary and deep black pages. White space, white space, white space.

That's a really long story to simply say that human companionship is great. A good theme. But it felt like hard work to actually get there. Make life easy on the reader and cut out everything that's not essential to your story.

Leanne Thacker (Level 1)

This is my first review so I'm trying to get this across as fair as I can. I feel wrong judging other people's work but then again that is why I am here. To learn how to do this better. I think it was probably hard to write this script and get all of what you had in your head down in too few pages. It is, however, a good start. I think the random events made the story jump around too much. I would have loved to know more about Parker's history. This does not work in short screenplay form as much as it would if it was 30 pages or even feature length. I hope this is something you are going to develop into something longer. I'd love to see where you take it.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

The title page is not page one. It would probably be better not to include a title page at all unless you can figure out how to program your header to ignore that page and start counting from page one of the actual script. No matter how you work it out, page one of the script doesn't need to be numbered.

"Their" not "there" routines. Those spelling errors are the hardest to catch when proofing your own work.

I have a real need to know a character's name before there's a whole lot of description written out. Start with the name and then give the details that are important to the story. The word "homeless" brings images of a needed bath and mismatched, dirty clothing. Do you need to say much else?

You've got the "wanders the city aimlessly" section in here with statements that she begs, she's rejected, she's ignored, she goes to shops and cafes... It's only three lines in your script, but think about it. That's a lot of unwritten action to film...

Do you really want to let someone else write it out for you? This is your story. It needs to be written the way you want it to play out on screen. Write out the action and words as you see and hear them in your own imagination. When it comes down to it, if it isn't important enough for you to write out, you should probably drop it altogether.

Don't use "as if" when writing a script, and don't expect your audience to presume anything. Parker is hunched, defeated. Her feet drag her along... She's doing something here and now and specific. She has a photo of a young lady. No one will know who that person is. It could be a younger version of herself... There's nothing really specific enough about that photo to warrant its inclusion in the story at all...

You're talking to your reader as you write. You need to concentrate on writing the images that will be seen on screen instead. There's a lot of potential here, but you need to organize your story and write it visually.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

What in the world is a saloon car?

I liked this. Sad but hopeful. Not much happened in 5 pages though, so in my opinion it could be a bit shorter. I thought it was odd that Parker didn't seem surprised when Taylor stole her step father's car. You dropped that info in there with no other explaination. Seemed like there should have been something more there.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

I really liked the story, and how you backed away from saying what happened to Parker's daughter. It wasn't needed for the story, only to know she's experienced that loss.

There were a few times when you told the audience what to think a bit too directly, when I for one had already picked it up from the dialog and the character's actions (which is ideal). For example: "It seems our protagonist has a reputation here", "unsure if he's done the right thing", and "Both are less alone tonight, full of hope for the future".

Some descriptions and actions could be tightened up a little.

Otherwise it was good.

Micah Ricke (Level 4)

I have one major observation and one minor, that I'd like to comment on.

First, the description/action paragraphs could be terser, and they are choc-full of 'telling' the reader what the character is thinking or feeling. You must keep in mind that this needs to translate to film, a visual medium, and write with the intent that it will be shown on the screen. If, in the final film, it cannot be seen or heard, don't write it. However, I do believe it is acceptable (occasionally) to write a very short bit of background when introducing a major character if it helps define and shape who that character is.

The other thing is the story itself. It doesn't really gain traction and pull me through. You have a couple (actually five by my count) opportunities for some very gripping conflict (the substation, the drunken man in line, the bar goers, the shop keeper, the police officer) but don't capitalize on any of them. Despite the two women being homeless, they sure have an easy time of things. I recommend focusing on one of the opportunities for conflict, make it very intense, and have an honest to goodness climax to the story.

Best regards.

Michael Hoffman (Level 4)

I don't know. This isn't bad but I don't think there is much story here, just a series of events. I think the setting of the story is pretty cool and could make for some great visual imagery. Overall though, it feels unfocused and I feel like you could have gotten more out of this idea.

I didn't care much for the characters either. Parker was okay but I found Taylor pretty unlikeable. She also seems like she has chosen this lifestyle so it makes her unsympathetic, even though we are supposed to feel sorry for her at times.

The opening scene is written sort of like prose. I think a montage of shots would work better as we follow Parker around town.

The entire script is pretty thick with narrative and could use some trimming to lighten up the pages. There is a whole lot of 'telling not showing' and I think if you cut this it would open up your pages greatly.

Things like: "melancholic, seeing her future self in the homeless people" "seems our protagonist has a reputation","Parker's moral conscience gets in the way","cop is unsure he's done the right thing"
These are all things that the audience cant see and have to be somehow represented with some visual clues.

Like the setting and the core idea behind this but would like a little more focus or goal given to the plight of these characters.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

Unfortunately, there are numerous spec screenwriting and formatting issues that, inevitably and detrimentally, detract from your story.

This is written much too much like prose. This is all fit for a novel.

The best advice I can give:

Read other spec scripts on this site that have placed in contests throughout the months, determine what their common denominators are, and incorporate that into your future screenwriting.

Never stop writing! Good luck!

Rob Dianora (Level 4)

This is a pretty good script. I love some of your descriptions, at times I think you state the obvious, and at times I think you were to generic (the characters ages) Overall though it set up the tone of the story pretty good. The dialogue was very strong, you even had sutttle differences of how the two main characters talked. I appreciate that a lot and I think people can learn from your two characters here.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

My first observation in the very first action line is a grammatical error.. it sort of threw me off, it should have been their, but you had it as there. Nit picky? Yes, but it made me wonder what the rest of the story was going to be like.

The next paragraphs are good, but too wordy. You don't need to tell us that life has been hard on this woman.. we can see that by what you've described on the page.

As I read through the story, I find that there are parts I like, and parts that need work. I like the two characters, although they seem very similar. Could one of them have some character flaw? I like that they joined forces and were able to make friends.

What I didn't like was that you told us so much about what the people were thinking and feeling. It pulled me out of the story.

I also felt that the ending really didn't take us anywhere. I'm glad you didn't have Taylor somehow be Parker's daughter, that would have been bad.

Anyway... some good writing, but it needs to be tightened.. show us don't tell us

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

This is more like a short story than a script, from beginning to end. We spend too much time in the minds of the two main characters, and there are too many things which are described in your written narrative without showing us how they would be portrayed on the screen. For example, on the first page (your page numbering is off, by the way), "In her hand a photo of a young lady, presumably her daughter." How are we to presume that? We're less than one page into this script -- we know virtually nothing about this woman, much less about her back story. Another example, next page, "Parker collapses to the floor at the thought of the drop." You're in her mind. We can't see what she's thinking on screen. Another example, same page, "She looks melancholic, as if seeing her future self in the homeless people." The melancholic look is on her face, but the reason for it is in her mind. We can't see that. The most significant example is right at the crux of your story -- on the last page, "Both are less alone tonight, full of hope for the future." We have no way of knowing they're full of hope for the future -- unless you show us. On screen, not in the narrative portion of the script. And your title would imply that their hope for the future is the heart of the story. But it wouldn't really come across on screen.

Shane Shearer (Level 4)

Third excellent I've handed out this month. Must be a growing trend for writers to do good at certain times of the year. Then again, this is so well written that I'm absolutely positive that you do good all the time. It may just be me, but I've got that nagging feeling that I know who wrote this. I'm going to say either MJ or Caroline with my gut leaning towards Caroline simply because she sets everything in a foggy London town.

I loved this script.

Shaun Bragg (Level 4)

Overly descriptive minimize the details and get straight to the point and you will have more space to write with and make this script a better and quicker read. Now to the story which was pretty good, not too complicated.

Your script was written very well. I can say that much and your characters were seemed real.

Overall a good read.

Keep up the good work.

Shawn Cottrill (Level 3)

I really liked this script. You are a good writer. Your descriptions were very fluid and natural. I felt bad for the women in your story. It is usually very hard to empathize with characters in a five page screenplay. I thought your sluglines were really well written also. They were informative and non-distracting.

Shedric Bragg (Level 3)

"The Best is Yet To Come" is a very well written script but I don't care much for the story as much as your craft. Your writting is very good here. Taylor is the character that has a sort of edge she seems to have more meat as a lead. I would've liked to see her alone instead of Parker but it's the contest. This was a good effort and thumbs up from me good job.

Thomas W. Brown (Level 4)

This is excellent, a beautiful story full of life, insight, and compassion. This is easily the best I've read so far, a real treat. There are a few things that I think you should look at in order to make this perfect. Some of your descriptions need to be cut back and kept to strictly visuals. There are a few that are beautifully written, but not particularly visual, such as the final description. Also, I did not like your title, it seems to me that there could be a more poignant, striking title for a piece like this. These however are minor compared to the depth of the story itself. Wonderful job!

Tim Aucoin (Level 4)

A character isn't introduced with "his/her name is..." It should be written like "Amongst the chaos, PARKER(40s) homeless, absorbs the atmosphere..." or something like that.
Too much black. Reads too much like a story in the description. Lots of SHOW not TELL mistakes, mainly with conveying characters emotion.
"she wanders aimlessly in deep thought" how do we know she's in deep thought?
"parker walks aside the bridge with an air of sorrow" same thing

The first line on page 3, you called the pavement or whatever she's walking on the floor but she's outside. And she collapses at the thought of the drop. What drop? Meaning she wants to kill herself? This is unclear until the subway station scene.
Unless it has some meaning to the story the fact that it takes place in London is irrelevant. All your scene headings are too long and it's not necessary.
INT. QUIET STREET IN CENTRAL LONDON
INT. DINGY SUBWAY IN CENTRAL LONDON
Why does it matter that they're in London? Maybe you're from there and you felt the need to add it but it really doesn't matter.
Every single heading could be shortened. Ex:
INT. QUIET STREET - MORNING
INT. SUBWAY - NIGHT
EXT. SHOP DOORWAY - NIGHT, for this one you could just say in the description "Parker and Taylor are bundled up, attempting to sleep over the pounding bass from a nearby nightclub" or something similar.
This needs some serious trimming.

Tyrone Banks (Level 3)

A familiar tale we've heard and read several times and this is also a affective story of two homeless women struggling to get by. You've capture the true grit of the story but their isn't must else besides your knowledge of these characters, well let me rephrase that their isn't must origniality added into this piece. Overall a good read.

William Dunbar (Level 5)

There are a lot of problems with this script, but I think most of them would be pretty easy to fix. Maybe most important, you need to keep things out of the script that can't be shown on film. What people are thinking has to come through in their actions and words. You could trim a lot of description. I also think there are probably more scenes than you need. It starts to feel a little redundant when they get kicked out of four different places. A bigger problem is that it's not really clear what this script is about and what it wants to say. That it's OK to steal from someone if they won't let you sleep on their doorstep? It seems to be presented as a happy ending for these two women to be homeless car thieves just because they found each other. It doesn't have to be a Horatio Alger story, but the things these women do and how they deal with them don't seem right. In general, the whole thing doesn't quite work for me. I'd recommend a major rewrite.

Comments Made After the Contest

Thomas W. Brown (Level 4) ~ 9/1/2009 2:31 AM

I gave this an excellent and stick by it. Love the subject matter. Great job!

Steve Monger (Level 3) ~ 9/1/2009 10:01 AM

Thanks Thomas, you're a legend, I'll be sure to read your work!

Whoa a lot to take in! Thanks everyone for taking the time to review my script. It is, as many have clearly noticed, a kind of plan or blueprint for a script that requires at least 30 odd pages. I actually got the idea from the closing lines of the brief. So the idea itself was a product of Movie Poet and I intend to write a full version when I get back to uni.

I did try my best to produce something of substance in the five pages, but the idea is far too big and five page scriptwriting is both new to me and a skill I clearly need practice in. Dialog suffered as a result so I relied on heavy subtext, which seemed to alienate some people, even though I feel it makes for a more powerful story.

Show don't tell is the biggest lesson I've learnt today. One I knew, but needed to be told again. I should have read through once more before I submitted. However, to take a positive from a negative, the majority of problems you guys have arisen could be easily ironed out in a longer script. There will be a back story, locations won't have to shift dramatically, I could capitalise on the interactions with the copper, the shopkeeper etc. This wasn't meant for a five pager but I'm glad I submitted it as I've learnt so much in the last ten minutes and now have a strong motivation to write this properly.

Thanks again everyone, thanks John Brooke, if you read this, your Synopsis was perfect!

Tim Aucoin (Level 4) ~ 9/2/2009 2:32 PM

May I ask why you kept saying in the scene headings it was in London? You did it several times yet it seemed irrelevant to me that it took place in London.

Steve Monger (Level 3) ~ 9/3/2009 4:18 AM

Hi Tim,

You may ask.

Firstly, I'd say it's not a pride factor as I think you may be implying. I hope I'm wrong. It's quite the opposite in fact. I only meant to mention it once, I simply overlooked the scene headings when I read through, which is a huge schoolboy error I admit.

The setting of London is completely relevant. It's a very particular city, one that conjures certain images that are perfect for the film setting and subject matter. Gloomy, congested, gritty, impersonal etc I could go on. Not to mention the depressing weather in 90% of the year. Even if you haven't visited, you have more than likely seen its portrayal in British films, so the majority of readers have an idea of the tone of the film simply from where it is set.

Homelessness is naturally a big problem in London and something I see almost everyday. Admittadely other cities carry the qualities above but I am a Londoner (Not a proud one) and am writing about what I see and know.

But you're right, I didn't mean to mention it a hundred times. Thanks for your question, I look forward to reading your future work.