Comments Made During the Contest

Andrew Stone (Level 3)

This reminds me a little too much of the film 'Hard Candy.' I don't know if you've seen the film or this a coincidence, but it's basically the same premise, although the film was more subtle and nuanced. I think it's too easy that she just smashes his head like a watermelon. I think it's better to show someone struggling with the morality of a situation. It makes it more interesting. And to show the villain have shades of morality too is interesting.

Aralis Bloise (Level 4)

Really good story, I liked it a lot. The dialogue sounds real and the descriptions made me picture the action perfectly. Plus who doesn't love a good revenge story?
You might want to mention Taylor is carrying a large bar or something to explain where she gets the bat from. Since you mention that she is wearing her cheerleading jacketshe can just say she told her mom she was going to practice or something. When I first read the scene I just assumed that she was just using whatever blunt object Edgarr happened to have in his house, but upon reading the ending I now think it was her own bat that she used. By the way, I laughed out loud when I read "I want to play softball again..." and I mean that in a good way.
This is only a small thing but there is no way for us to know the girl in the video is named Sally so the trunk saying T+S doesn't mean anything, but you can fix that by just writing "sally" on her jersey or one of the photos and it actually doesn't make that much difference to the story anyway.

Ashley White (Level 3)

This reminded me a little of "Hard Candy" except a little more violent. There are quite a few grammatical errors which always stick out to me. I am a bit of a grammar snob. Your writing was pretty good. Vivid descriptions. The idea isn't completely original, but it seems as though everything is based on something else days, right?

Barry Katz (Level 3)

Nice set-up! Nothing like a little "vigilante justice" to leave the audience feeling satisfied! I liked the use of "instant messaging," which is something I used in my first feature-length screenplay. I enjoyed seeing how another writer incorporates it into a script. It was very believable! The scene inside Edgar's bedroom was my favorite. Not because I like blood and guts, but because you took a risk by adding something violent and graphic. Again, I reference my first feature-length in which I, too, incorporated some pretty violent and disturbing scenes. A few people that read my script commented on the content being a bit "too" graphic, but just turn on an episode of "Cold Case Files" and you'll realize that the real world is far worse than any writer could ever possibly create! Entertaining and easy to read. A few run-on sentences and grammatical errors, but they did not deter from the story. Keep up the good work!

Charles Bonet (Level 3)

This script is eerily similar to that of a movie called Hard Candy which came out a few years ago. Structure, tone, and character are nearly identical. I don't know if this was intended or not (or if the author is even familiar with the movie Hard Candy) but I think it needed to be mentioned.

Having said that, I think this was an okay script. It moved along well and the characters came through clearly. I thought there was some clever dialogue near the end and everything was tied together appropriately. I wasn't fully involved emotionally in the story and would have liked more subtlty.

Chris Keaton (Level 5)

Hah, I loved this one. Sure I saw it coming, but I'm glad you didn't add a supernatural angle. The initial online typing wouldn't look good on screen, but if done fast would be forgiven. Great Job.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

Others have probably mentioned this, but if you haven't already you should check out the film "Hard Candy". Unfortunately, it is a little too familiar to this, so you story doesn't feel that fresh.

Still, your craft is very good and it is a powerful twist. I particularly like the last scene and when she mentions that she has been practicing her swing. :)

Overall, I enjoyed this, I just wish it didn't feel familiar.

David Birch (Level 5)

nicely written with one exception...on pg. 3 (top) you have taylor delivering dialog twice without anything happening or being said in between...so it's a little confusing whether one of those lines should go to edgar, or just insert "beat", or give a character direction to break up the two lines of dialog...anyway, the story is just a tad cliche, for me, but you covered all the important items to get a nice grade...thanks...

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

The "instant-messaging" is shown as dialogue and this doesn't work for me. If people are going to be talking in the film, what will they be viewing? The text?

When using numbers is dialogue, write out the number unless that number is a date. So "10 times" should be "ten times" and "2 hours" should be "two hours".

The dialogue does not feel realistic to me.

"Edgar gobbles it up Taylor giggles." Problem with this sentence. You need a period or a comma after the word up. Or you need the word AND between the word up and giggles. There are punctuation problems throughout the script ... the writer needs to proofread in this area.

Javier Torregrosa (Level 4)

I must say that this was very good with the Edgar scenes. It's just the ending wasn't that wonderful. Overall I'd give it a 3.5, but a four here. A well written piece, just only wish that you continued with the Edgar stuff. That was intriguing.

All the best,


Javier

Jay Simms (Level 3)

Is a computer screen an interior? There was no proof that this guy Edgar killed her friend, that's what the police are for. I guess this 15 year old girl don't believe in that. Why did Edgar wake up in only boxers, when the girl only wanted to kill him. Who's the Monster? This script could have been really good.

Jeannie Sconzo (Level 5)

I think it might be more effective to hear about the memory trunk and the murder before the massacre. Then if we head back to the trunk for the necessary ending, it could tie it up nicely.

Jeffrey Slocum (Level 4)

This was really good. I'm starting to think mine really sucked compared to some of these scripts, particularly this one. i love it when it has a sick and twisted theme AND is very well written. Looks like I've got a lot of work to do.

John Brooke (Level 5)

SYNOPSIS: A sweet teenage girl (15) Taylor has met an old guy through the internet Edgar 28 the appear to be lovers at first blush. Edgar gets Taylor up to his apartment. Evidently he plans on doing her sexual harm. He follows her to his bedroom and collapses. Taylor has drugged him with a doctored muffin. He is double handcuffed to the bedposts. It transpires that Taylor’s best friend Sally a teenager was lured by Edgar, he molested her and bashed her brains in. Sweet Taylor uses his Louisville slugger to play softball with his head. It is a gruesome scene. She leave him dead gets home late. Goes to her room and reminisces over an old video of video of Sally and her with the baseball team. Taylor’s mother Parker shows up gives her some love telling her to get some sleep.

A wonderful switchero on the old little girl monster come-ons – she is a hell of a Bat Girl for sure. Two monsters for the price of one ticket.

The question really is who is the monster, the sexual predator and maybe killer or the little twisted obsessed girl.

A movie that shows the law being broken with impunity, not even the feeling of remorse or gilt with taking the life of another human being. A revenge killing without real proof, evidence or trail. A crime equally has heinous as that supposedly committed by Edgar.

This story is clearly told and well written. Gruesome reality in our times. I just had to suspend my belief system to even write this down. It’s difficult for me to realize that little fifteen year old girls can actually act like this. Horrific but I know it’s true.

Jose Batista (Level 5)

Wow!!!

You managed to keep wondering where this was going to go on every page. Twists and turns galore and a solid story too. The trunk at the end really tied things up and the conversation with her mom was a great way to end this script.

She dealt with that monster in a way that I have to completely agree with. From the opening scene with the texting, straight through to bashing his head in and the muffin in between...simple and excellent.

My only complaint is the punctuation and grammar. You need to heavily proofread this script and also keep an eye out for commas, as they were missing in several places. Read it out loud so that you can get an idea where you make a pause in speech, then throw in the comma. There were also two instances in which the characters spoke back to back. You could put both dialogues under the same character heading and just seperate the pause with (Beat). I like the story enough to not let this affect my grading it, so I give it an Excellent. Great read!

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

Good script I think.

I'm thinking it's a little predictable though. The twist was predictable, I thought, and then all the reminiscence inside the trunk...

The mother has a distinct voice. I didn't think that about Taylor or Edgar though. Maybe it's just me.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Interesting, kind of creepy, story. The softball scene was a surprise. Good transition at the end into the prompt.
Some extra proofing needed: "Its (should be It's) almost midnight, Edgar lay (lays) motionless" and "...Edgar begins to come around. All he has on are his boxers." (Punctuation inserted.) Easy fixes.
Edgar and Taylor typical stereotypes: Edgar's a "monster" and Taylor is slightly dim. At first, she sounded older than 15. Further in, it's apparent that she has a serious problem so her characterization actually works.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

Taylor has back-to-back dialogues on page 3.

I sort of get that Edgar wobbling and falling had something to do with the muffins maybe being drugged? I hope I'm right, but there's no hint of an explanation in the story. If so, I'd be curious to know how a 15-year-old would drug muffins. What drugs could she have access to? This could tell us something additional about her character.

A revenge script, the taking-justice-into-your-own-hands genre. Well, I suppose she could have just called the police. I'm surprised that there's no reaction on her part, about the horribleness of actually taking a life. It must have impacted her, scarred her soul somehow, but the ending only shows her being sad about her deceased friend. I hoped for more to her reaction.

Laurie Paulin (Level 2)

This was very good because the story narrative and the dialogue fitted so well together and it had a real emotional punch. As well, the ending was a surprise and very satisfying. Rather then dwell on the really good stuff which there was plenty of, I thought I would mention some negative stuff if that's okay please.

It's really only small stuff but enough to make the story not reach the excellent rating. It's very important to proof read your story very well including the pdf that is generated from any software that you might use. For instance, the line "She turns around to find Edgar stumbling his knees wobble and he tumbles to the floor" is unintelligible . Mistakes like "Edgar lay motionless. His skull caved in bowl of mush" can be distracting. The result is that the impact of a strong story is reduced by the reader being "jarred" out of the flow and rhythm of what you have written.

Other then that, a really good read.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

Check with those who know on whether the opening scene heading is done correctly. It doesn't look quite right to me.

You need some punctuation in your opening line between "on screen" and "SK8ERGUY56," or you need to rethink how you get the whole pink/blue thing across...

Actually, I'm thinking that you should write this opening as something other than dialogue. The audience will see their tags on the computer screen, right? No one's speaking out loud. Write what the audience sees unfolding on the screen.

I really don't like "typical" characters. I haven't read this whole piece yet, but I hope there's a reason you describe her like this. I do like her school name...

Read your description of Edgar again. It needs a little work. Not much, though.

When you're writing dialogue you need to put a comma between the statement and the name of the person being spoken to - "to my castle, princess." You missed a period in "Edgar gobbles it up(period) Taylor giggles." Watch your punctuation. It's really easy to get wrong.

Write in the present tense. She turns. He stumbles. Maybe not that cut and dried, but write in the immediate.

Again - Punctuation!!! Periods and commas in the proper places are pretty much a must.

Keep Edgar's dialogue - "What are you doing?" and "You little bitch!" together in one segment.

I want more in the bat swinging scene. This needs more anger or insanity or something. It's a pivotal moment in your story. Play it up.

LOVE the end!

Good work.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

I'm not too sure about this one. What happened to Sally that made Taylor a killer? I don't buy that just because her sister (I guess it was her sis) died she became a sadistic murderer. I think you need to show us something more than just a sweet girl who kills guys for kicks. That's too easy in my opinion. The hard part is the why...why does she do it? And where's the build up? There was none here. She meets a guy, she seems sweet but then she drugs him and bashes his head in. Then she calls it a day and goes home.

Get deeper into the psyche of your character. Create some tension...then bash someone's head in.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

Through most of this I was wondering whether you would address Taylor and Edgar's age difference. I was very relieved when you did, and it turned into a great scene and a great twist.

I don't think you'd put the character's chat as dialog, as it's going to be appearing on the screen and not spoken, but then I'm not sure how you would write it like that if it's just a view of a screen. My advice would be rewrite the script to either remove the internet chat scene or make it so you see at least one of the characters.

"Douchebag" isn't a proper noun, so no capital unless it's at the beginning of the sentence.

I think that the first scene could be completely removed and the second scene drastically shortened. Of course in this version you needed the required ending, so it only could have been shortened, but in a rewrite the scene would be better in a completely different form.

Maurice Charlot (Level 3)

Right off Taylor seems like she's up to more than what she appears. In the subtext she's slowly deciding what she wants to do. Sexual predators are a serious issue in suburbs and all over and this is a really decent revenge story. And I liked the ending a bunch but I probably would do away with some of the opening scene.

Micah Ricke (Level 4)

While there are errors in grammar, spelling, and format, it was still quite easy to read.

Among the errors most notable... Numbers should be written, "...2 pairs of handcuffs" should be "two pairs". Edgar has two lines of dialogue, one right after the other.

The story reminds me of HARD CANDY. A little too much actually.

The title, while appropriate, has been used.

I would like to see Edgar set-up a bit more convincingly as the bad guy. What proof of Edgar's evilness is there? -None, other than he's much too old to be with a fifteen year old and he uses bad language. Perhaps, Taylor can find something that belonged to Sally in Edgar's apartment, and in the end put it back into the trunk.

Well, I hope you find my critique helpful.

Best regards.

Michael Hoffman (Level 4)

Kind of split down the middle on this one. Story has a few nice twists but a lot of things didn't sit right with me either.

Let me elaborate...
The opening text message part reads sort of strange but it was actually sort of cool and different. Might make a neat visual image.

I did find the Edgar/Taylor relationship to be a bit confusing. At times it seems like they have never actually met (cuter in person, parents like me?) but things like (some guy asked me out at school, muffins down the street) give the impression that they are closer than that. Just something you might want to sharpen up.

I liked the twist and turn of events but I just think Taylor's violent outburst really takes away from her character. I understand your intention and she certainly has the motivation for such action but sometimes what makes a hero is the ability to not stoop to the level of the villain.
I don't want to change your vision but perhaps if she intends on killing, scares the hell out of him but at the last second, pulls back and just calls the cops instead. I would find that much more heroic and profound.
The way it is written, I also worry that Taylor covered her tracks because, despite her reasoning, the poor girl is going to prison for a long time if shes caught for this.

I really liked the emotional ending with her mother and the trunk as the pieces come together about her sister and the 'monster' out there. But again, I think this heartfelt conclusion is a bit overshadowed by her extreme revenge tactics.

Just my opinion. I still think you have a good and well written story here but I think it could have been even more powerful with a few slight changes.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

Unfortunately, most of this story is identical to a movie and screenplay named, "Hard Candy." It's not the most popular movie, it's with the "Juno" girl, pre-"Juno." So I'll give you the benefit of the the doubt that you've never seen it, but check it out and you'll be surprised.

Better yet, you can read the screenplay over at SimplyScripts.com. The quality of the copy makes it a little difficult to read, but you'll get the point.

Rob Dianora (Level 4)

I think your story has plenty of potential here. It's a nice revenge piece. I'm still not sure how texting or im'ing will work on screen. I can't remember anyone doing it well, but I kind of like the reveal of the two characters this way. I felt like the story jumped a bit when the guy gets shackled up. I think you might be able to use some suspense and draw the audience in. It may have people more behind the violent act.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

Ohhh very creepy, but good. I sort of thought it was going to be one of those teenage girls being set up by an older man and an online relationship. Very gory.. but I thought you did a good job. I have a few questions.. there's not a lot of backstory as to how Taylor knew Edgar was the one who murdered her sister. I think if we could have had some way of knowing how she did that, the story would be stronger.

But good work. Nice writing and a very easy read.

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

Really good! And it's not really my kind of movie, but it's very well written (with a few small exceptions). You set it up nicely, nice twist, and great ending. Great characters and great dialogue. The story moves along quickly. Great! Here are the exceptions I mentioned -- they mostly have to do with punctuation. (I don't usually critique punctuation, but these are very noticeable and distracting.) First, on Page 2, "Edgar gobbles it up Taylor giggles," is actually two sentences. It needs a period after "up". Second, on Page 3, "She turns around to find Edgar stumbling his knees wobble and he tumbles to the floor," is a long, run-on sentence. It needs some commas. Third, on Page 4, "His skull caved in bowl of mush," needs something. It's not even really a complete sentence. There are several other punctuation errors throughout. You should clean it up a bit. But, enough of that. It's really a fun, well-written screenplay. I enjoyed it a lot.

Shane Shearer (Level 4)

This is almost verbatim the exact screenplay from HARD CANDY. It's a damn shame you felt compelled to rip it off this bad. You even took some direct lines from it. Especially the opening text message screen.

I see you changed the ending up a bit, that's good.

Shedric Bragg (Level 3)

A sweet tale of revenge served up nicely with a baseball bat from a cheerleader. The story unfolds really well and the descriptions here were pretty good but I think the opening scene with the texting could've been written differently.

The story was really good and I'm sorry I couldn't help myself I laugh when Taylor says I've been working on my swing! Sorry buddy...

This was a good script. Can't wait to see what you have in store.

Suzanne Smith (Level 4)

Hi there!
I question who's the 'real' monster. I was lead to believe, just by the simple word monster, I would be reading a script about a monster - how the monster lives, preys - from a guy's POV. So my question, after she kills the guy, does that make her the monster? She did what she did for a friend, does it make it right that she killed him with a baseball bat? That would make her the monster - in regards of preying upon others for personal satisfaction. I expected the monster persona would have been more toward the predator (dude). Love the title, made me ponder and reflect the concept, which is awesome.
The computer bit as an opener does show how they connected, even when they meet and lounge on the couch, their encounter seems somewhat plain - where is the threat besides the fact he's older? He isn't really suggesting anything, nothing sexual, he's a bit thick with the prince charming bit, but you'd think once he's got her on the couch, his inner freak would dominate her playfulness. I'm not even sure he's the original killer - even after reading the script several times, there's no indication of him being a killer at all - only that he likes young girls. How does she know he killed her friend? Where is the evidence she's convinced he did it? - if you wanted her to be the 'monster' you could have her jump back on the computer talking to her next 'date' before her mom comes into the room.
Also wanted to mention the flow wasn't smooth. I noticed repeated dialogue, and a few action sequences could be rewritten, example - Taylor description is more a statement rather than an action, you state who she is then - that's it. What is she doing? Standing there doing nothing? To me, that bit should have more sense/action to it - TAYLOR, 15, a typical cheerleader that all the guys fall for, patiently waits by a picnic table (swing set, jungle gym). Why describe her clothes if we know she's a cheerleader type?
I do like the concept - yes, I always thought cheerleaders were scary lol. Great imagination. The story has lots of potential, so good work!

Thomas W. Brown (Level 4)

I think this is pretty decent, it has a Hard Candy feel to it. The opening was interesting, but I think it could have been described a little differently to make the screen time more interesting. The way it's written now I imagine a blank white screen with the words coming up. One formatting issue came up. On page four you wrote:

EDGAR
What are you doing?

EDGAR
You little bitch!

There should be some action or description in written in there to warrant the break. For example

EDGAR
What are you doing?

Taylor steps to the plate, eyes fixed on Edgar

EDGAR
You little bitch!

Finally, some of your wording was incorrect/awkward. It may not seem like much, but this can really subtract from the flow of your piece. For example: "She turns around to find Edgar stumbling his knees wobble and he tumbles to the floor."
This should all be in one, active tense.
"Edgar stumbles, knees wobble as he tumbles to the floor"

Tim Aucoin (Level 4)

Interesting take. A little reminiscent of Hard Candy. If you haven't seen it the premise is somewhat the same, a young girl meets an older guy she met online in person and things start going terrible wrong. Not knowing whether you've seen it or not makes it harder to score as you could've been "inspired" by that movie.
You need CONT'D next to a persons name when they talk, then there's some action, then they talk again. Those are completely absent here. The very top of page 3 you have Taylor speaking two times in a row with two separate dialog blocks when it just needs to be one dialog block with a (beat) possibly used to break up the sentences.

Tyrone Banks (Level 3)

Their are some minor formatting issues you used a characters name twice without showing a break between the two.

The story is pretty twisted. It's real life and this does occur and it's a trip. Despite the subject I did enjoy this script.

Good quick read filled with great visuals. Can't wait to read more of your stuff.

Keep up the good work.

William Dunbar (Level 5)

I liked everything about this except for the ending. I know, that was the challenge, but in this case I thought it seemed a little forced, seeing as there was no context for getting sleep earlier in the script. Aside from that, the concept and the twists in the story were good. The dialogue seemed like it could go either way, meaning it could work with the right actors, but be a bit uninspiring otherwise. Overall, good job.

Comments Made After the Contest

Kevin Carty (Level 4) ~ 9/1/2009 12:56 AM

Lol, I did watch hard candy a looong time ago. However, it was not my intention to rip it off. It's only after the contest started, I remembered watching part of it. I didn't rip off any of the dialogue. I came up with that myself.

I was pissed that they were similar. I think I've seen like a million movies that have a similar premise, you know. Girl kills an evil pedophile. I was really only writing and this is what I came up with. I just kept writing what I thought would be neat. I really wanted to get a girl that was in control but didn't appear that way in the beginning.

Will, I did reference the sleep, dialogue was coming Parker spoke about, how late it was.
I changed my mind at the last minute and for some reason this is all I could think of. Last contest I had some serious writer's block. Now that I'm a bit more relaxed, its starting to come back to me. My last 2 scripts were submitted at the last second.

I thought I fixed the formatting issue with Edgar's dialogue but for some reason when I resubmit sometimes things like that stick there for me.

Someone said that the line about practicing her swing wasn't touching. Weeeeeellll... it wasn't meant to be.

A couple people, said they didn't know who was the monster. That is up to the reader to decide, who the true monster is ( The girl) or the man. If I made you question that then I did that right. I'm sorry if this was like a certain film but I did this without remembering. I like to leave questions after scripts because I feel alot are way too preachy. I like to call my protagonists, protagonists not heroes.

I did write alot of connections that would make you see what she was all about or at least hint it. Originally, I wanted to call this "To Make a Fiend". Which is something I'm working on for a feature. And No, the protagonist is not a girl taking down the big, bad pedo-bear.

At least I know, I'm getting better at dialogue and that's something I think I get, for the most part.

My Grim Tale script came out alright. That I actually proof read and I can do rewrites, again. So expect one of this pretty soon.

Alexandria Flesher (Level 0) ~ 3/12/2010 11:58 PM

ummm where is it??

Kevin Carty (Level 4) ~ 3/14/2010 8:01 PM

Coming Soon...