Comments Made During the Contest

Andrew Stone (Level 3)

This is nicely done, and the first Excellent I've given in this contest. I like the tension leading up to the crash. I like the twist about Taylor's heart, and it was effective that you waited to reveal that fact after Parker berates Taylor's parents. I was also trying to figure out how Parker and Taylor were going to come together, because it wasn't that obvious how it would happen. It was almost too sweet at the end when Taylor gets the seashell, but when I think about what's happened to Taylor, it's definitely bittersweet, which was the right note to end on here.

Aralis Bloise (Level 4)

That was so sad! I normally don't go for something like this, but I ut say it was extremely well written. The dialogue was believable and the descriptions put you right there on the scene. Great use of telling a complete drama in only 5 pages. Good job!

Chris Messineo (Founder)

This story is both sad and lovely.

Your craft is quite good. The characters are real, the dialogue is strong, and the images are powerful.

However, it all feels a little too contrived to me. From the title, to the dialogue, to the accident, to the hospital you can feel all the elements sliding into place to try and pull at our heartstrings.

I wish there was more that felt unexpected. I hope that makes sense.

David Birch (Level 5)

some things to like...good twist at the end...an imaginative way to put parker and taylor together at the end...the piece was well written and flowed well...congrats...thanks for a good read...

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

Good foreshadowing of the two vehicle accident. Very easy to follow as written. A very touching and well-written SP.

Jay Simms (Level 3)

Very good script and written well, I liked it alot. The story was good and it was written good. I did think of an ending that I thought would have been the ending, but it wasn't. It would of made the story excellent. Other than that it was very good.

Jeannie Sconzo (Level 5)

I saw the the line about her needing the heart coming.
At the bottom of pg 2 it says Mark and I think it's supposed to say Michael.

John Brooke (Level 5)

SYNOPSIS: Michael and Rachel are the young parents of Taylor (7) diving on a rainy night. They make a cryptic promise to her about being there for her when it’s all over. On the same road in the same time-frame, Parker (30) an apparently single mother is driving a van with her daughter Hanna ((7) returning from the ocean. The two vehicles are traveling in the same direction with the van ahead of Michael’s car. The van is moving slowly and Michael and Rachael are in a hurry. Michael attempt to pass the van and hydroplanes into it causing both vehicles to crash. Parker, Hanna’s mother survives with her daughter who is just barley alive. Michael and Rachel are killed leaving little Taylor, who was to receive the heart that they were racing to the hospital for, their survivor. Of course another child received the heart meant for Taylor. Parker is hard hearted waiting with her daughter Hanna to come around. The nurse explains about the heart transplant and the fact that Taylor’s parents are dead. Parker is overcome with compassion and shares her love with Taylor.

Parker is the protagonist in this sad tale. She runs the gauntlet of human emotions and overcomes her martyrdom of love extending her humanity to Taylor, the seven year old daughter of Michael and Rachel.

You have told your poignant tale with grace and dignity. A bittersweet script that leaves the viewer emotionally drained. The ending is melodramatic but without actual satisfying ending to this story.

The concept is creative, the story line is fuzzy. Your characterizations were sufficiently differentiated, especially consider that each family set was almost a mirror image of each other. Your dialogue fitted the characters in a natural manner. A complex story struggling for simplicity. Good for sure maybe more.

Jose Batista (Level 5)

A very well written, but sad, tale. The story is haunting because this is something you catch on the news all the time. I think you managed to make the situation even more heartfelt because of the way things ended up for Taylor and Parker. They both lost loved ones, at right at the end Parker shows a bit of compassion. That made the script end on a good note.

The dialogue before the accident was very well crafted. The story started at the precise point in time and ended just as well. In the end you cannot help but feel sorry for the victims and that is a big plus: It completely dragged me in and made me feel for the characters. This was some Very Good writing.

Kevin Carty (Level 4)

This is well written but there are alot unnecessary parentheticals. I don't get enough time with the characters. I like the writing in parts but you try so hard to give us actor directions. Not only that you jump it seems from one scene to the next a bit too quickly. I'm so confused did she miss a heart there is alot of this story that doesn't make a lick of sense but then you explain the entire story through a random nurse. Anyway when I started off I was going to give this an excellent but there is too much here that makes me disconnected from this. It just jumped all over the place. Did I say way too talky for me.
I know someone is going to love this one alot maybe I'm just being a biased. Like I said you are definitely a good writer. I dunno maybe its just too melodramatic for me but mostly my issue is with the dialogue. I give it a very good but could have been much more I dunno dramatic, moving and touching in my opinion. You have a great premise would love to see more of the story instead of it being told to me. Granted this script may do very well or even win.

Good writing but the story was disappointing for me.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

A heartbreaking story.

Very well written. (bottom of p2 - you have Mark for Michael)

Parker's reaction to the nurse about drunken parents does not seem natural though - I'd think she needs to start with "I want to see them" right away. But that's a small complaint.

I don't know if I'm easy or what but the story made me cry.

Great story! Great writing!

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Good emotion in this story. The parallel characters described well enough to be able to differentiate them from each other. Good job with the kids; they sounded like kids.
Story was predictable, but interesting to read. Could see the car accident coming. Not a bad thing.
Terrific title.
Like Hanna's "little metal trunk" of shells as the trunk device, and Parker's use of it to comfort Taylor.
Not a major resolution at the end. Understandable. Would have been hard to write one of the kids "not making it."

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

I got in an accident once where I slammed on the brakes and hydroplaned at a mere 10 miles per hour into the back end of a very nice and very intimidating U.S. Army Colonel (Ret): my car's momentum could not be stopped even at that slow pace, and just skimmed over a small puddle. I'd suggest, however, that your car wouldn't hydroplane by accelerating. It might spin out a little by itself, but it certainly wouldn't shoot forward fast enough to knock the van off the road. The very act of hydroplaning implies unchecked momentum, and if you're accelerating then you don't have any momentum yet. Perhaps you might want to rewrite the accident sequence.

The accident itself was obvious from the title and the lead-up. I think you meant it to be obvious, and it was still fairly suspenseful. I just hope you didn't intend it as a surprise.

The ending was supposed to tug at my heartstrings, and it did. The dialogue was good. I didn't see a remarkable amount of imagination in this five-page tragedy, however, beyond what might be expected on a tv drama show. I really appreciate that you didn't go over the top and spell out the obvious ending.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

Very well thought out and executed.

I'm a huge fan of not saying everything out loud in dialogue, and I love how you handled the reveal of Hannah's condition. Lots of subtleties throughout.

Excellent work.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

Well that was depressing. I was wondering how you were going to justify Taylor's parents driving so fast.

My only problem was it seemed a bit rushed in some parts. This is such a good story I think you could really improve it by making it a little longer. Maybe even just one more page would help the pacing. Like the car accident was so quick I almost missed it. And at the end when you're describing the I.C.U. that might have been better if you had more space to describe the surroundings and the mood better. And also show a gradual change in Parker...like maybe over the course of a day she watches Taylor and then sneaks over to see her. The way it is now she goes from one emotion to another very quickly.

Anyway, this was very good and I hope you keep working on it. :)

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

I really like how you handled the emotion at the end, and the closing lines were perfect, except foreshadowed a bit too much by the Nurse's similar line ("You should try and get some sleep"). However if it wasn't part of the contest I wouldn't notice it the first time round.

It could be even more powerful if you spent a lot less time on the opening car crash scene. There's hardly anything there that couldn't be revealed in the next scene just as effectively. You just need a few lines (to set up the sixteen bazillion shells line at the end) and then the crash. That will be a grabbing opening. Then the story proper starts, and given more time to unfold will be much better.

It's also slightly confusing starting with the parents when Parker turns out to be the character the story should really be centered on.

When you find where your story lies - in the car/van scenes or in the hospital scene - then it will be a much more satisfying script.

Maurice Charlot (Level 3)

This was a really-really good story and the transitions here are good. The story flows smooth and it's interesting how you keep me interested throughout. I kept guess and you did a wonderful job. Can't say too many bad things besides it's to short with this being a five-page contest I don't see how I could count that against you. I'm very sure this one could place very high and it might. Keep up the good work.

Micah Ricke (Level 4)

I am torn between giving this a GOOD or a VERY GOOD, but I'm leaning more toward the former.

This script, as well as several others from this month, contains some 'fluff' --prose and direction that do not propel the story. This is not necessarily bad, but in a short script it is very obvious and I think it detracts in areas of yours.

Any action or nuance or direction to actor, director, editor, etc. should be ABSOLUTELY CRITICAL to the telling of the story.

A couple of examples: "Parker stares at the nurse with haunting eyes" does nothing to move things forward. All of the emotion and tension of the moment comes through in the dialogue. The rest is unnecessary and interrupts the mood...

NURSE
They didn't make it.

PARKER
(bitterly)
They got what they deserved.

The (bitterly) is not needed. The line conveys it all.

Best of luck.

Michael Hoffman (Level 4)

This was a very good, heartfelt little story. For such a short script, it is surprisingly packed with drama, emotion and good visual imagery and even some action.

Overall, the formatting was well done and the pages were pretty airy considering all that was happening.

I think a big strength was the dialogue. Very believable sounding with good tension mixed in. The adults sounded like parents and the kids sounded like kids, that doesn't always happen in some scripts.

I also enjoyed many of the visuals. Things like 'tracing the raindrops down the glass' is very visual. Imagery like the cars in a rainstorm, the hospital room and the shells are also good pieces that would play nicely on film.

I think the main weakness of the script is just predictability. Even though the exact events are pretty shocking, I think I saw it all setting up very early in the script. I think it is still good enough to overcome this and I'm not sure how to avoid it but cars speeding in the rain, one girl coming from the beach, another being promised she'll see the ocean... these things sort of give away where we're heading.

Still enjoyed the script. Very well written.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

Sad story, very reminiscent of "Crash," minus the racial and ethnic themes.

The scenes leading up to the car accident are very well written, clear, and I could picture it perfectly in my head. Good job with that.

The scenes at the hospital didn't feel right though and some stuff didn't add up for me:

-It would seem Parker would be more injured, but I concede people do walk away from horrific accidents while others die.
-How and why would Parker have this metal trunk, which would presumably be destroyed in the accident or left at the scene with the rest of the accident debris?
-Where are all the cops?
-Where are all the family and friends of Parker, Rachel and Mike?
-Taylor and Hanna would be conveniently next to each other?
-Parker wouldn't know by now that Michael and Hanna were killed? The nurse would relay this info to her?

Some of that is minor and nitpicky, I concur.

I wonder what will become of Taylor now, still searching for a heart and now orphaned. Is it insinuated that Parker will become her "new" mother?

Your screenwriting is very good; format appears in order; didn't detect any major typos.

P.S.- You have a blank page six.

Peter Tolosa (Level 3)

Woa, good stuff. I don't really have any suggestions here, it's very touching, will probably place because it has to do with hospitals and children and all that good stuff that people like to see on moviepoet, but I had a hard time deciphering the moral, whether the woman in the van should have been driving faster, or the car behind them should have just taken it easy. Maybe there is no moral and it's just a sad story. I don't really know what the message was, it's one hell of a bummer, though. Either way, nicely done. I don't know why there was a page six but it's in the .pdf and it's blank. Might wanna check that out.

Rich Keel (Level 4)

I liked this one. As soon as you start with two cars with kids on a terrible day you always know what is going to happen. But that is just it...even though I knew what was going to happen I was still glued to the pages.

Great characters and good dialog...overall Very Good!!!!

Good luck to you this month.

Rob Dianora (Level 4)

It was very unique and I enjoyed the story for the most part. I liked how the line was incorporated and it was different from what I think the usual person would do. I feel the Michael character can use some expansion. Not much, but it almost seemed out of character for him to hurry like that, but that's just my opinion. Other than that small detail it was great.

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

A little predictable and a little corny ("It sounds like angel wings."), but other than that it's really great. So well written and such a complete (and fairly complex) story in five pages. Great!

Shawn Cottrill (Level 3)

I loved this one. I was very engrossed in the story while reading it. I commend you for that because it is very hard to make a five page screenplay engrossing. I definitely thought this one was great! I loved the seashells added into the story. You could have put anything in that trunk but seashells was the perfect choice.

Shedric Bragg (Level 3)

Great descriptions is what fuels "A Perfect Match" and there's a number of them. I was impressed with a lot of stuff in this one, good dialouge, characters man those characters. Very good work here. An awesome work fueled with emotion and purpose. Good job.

Steve Monger (Level 3)

Very well written. You have a good story here, a sad one, but a good one. Your formatting, structure and pacing seemed flawless. My main issue, which I've had with so many of this months entries, is that the ending doesn't fit well with the rest of the script. In my opinion, the best scripts so far have had narratives built towards the ending, it's significant.

However, you're a talented writer and I think if the brief was different you wouldn't have ended it in this way.

It's vivid, flows well and deserves a good result. Cheers for the read.

Suzanne Smith (Level 4)

Hello! I enjoyed reading this script. Life altering events out of our control happens to the best of us. I like how Parker is bitter toward Taylor's parents until she finds out the truth. People are very quick to assume the worst but are humbled by the truth, great concept. The only thing which stands out to me is the smile part in the end. I realize the story needs this, because it's the fade out rule, but would a child who lost her parents, scared, heart problems, experienced an accident - would she smile if given a shell? Taylor comes across much younger than 7 - maybe 5. I'm no expert by all means, maybe the girl would smile seeing how she's being ignored by the nurses as to where her mommy is - if she had a heart condition, and lost her parents, I don't think she would be left alone, there would be staff there to meet her needs, address her concerns - an expert to give her emotional support. If Parker had talked to the doctor at this point about Hanna's fate, wouldn't Taylor be a little more aware as to what's going on? It's a tragic scenario, gives me the chills to think fate can be so cruel to children. I felt humbled for Parker, glad she decided to help out in the end. Nice work!

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

I liked the characters in this, well drawn, especially the kids. I'd lose the physical descriptions, for example it's irrelevant if the women are "stunning" or "all American girl" - it's enough they are moms.

The story was great and I really liked the ending (even though I knew part of it already). It left open some interesting possibilities.

11 scene transitions in 5 pages is a bit much, doncha think? I'd get rid of the establishing shot for openers - blend it with the shot of the van for example, you can start in the car, cut to the highway first the one car, then the van in front. All the other exterior shots of the vehicles on the highway do not add anything to the story or character development. Ditto the crash ext shot - stay in the car & let me feel the panic of the kids & the parents; and even the ambulance - cut to the hospital I don't need to see the ambulance arriving, nothing happens with that shot.

Then you can focus more on the action & interaction of the characters. For example, the nurse explains why Rachel & Michael were in such a hurry - I would have liked to know from them and felt more of their anxiety.

Lose the parens in the dialog that direct (bitterly) and show it in the action with a scowl or a frown.

Thomas W. Brown (Level 4)

This is a really sweet story at heart. Some of your visuals, such as Hanna tracing raindrops, are amazing. In fact the entire scene between Hanna and her mother was great. I think the story's final two pages were a little weaker than the beginning. Some of the dialogue gets a little cliche (it sounds like angel's wings), or when Parker is whispering to herself. However, your overall story is really a beautiful one. A re-write of this would be great to read. PS - I like your title.

Tim Aucoin (Level 4)

This was well written and touching. So far no other script I've read this month has gone in this direction and it's refreshing. It's grounded in reality with very believable characters and story. It's even a little sad in the end. Some nice descriptive writing. Formatting looks fine. All around this is a very solid effort.

Tim Westland (Moderator)

You have a knack for making your kid characters sound real, which is an art.

The scenes switching from car to car seemed a bit confusing to me. I understood what was going on, but the descriptions didn't seem to capture the tension and emotion. The dad doesn't sound urgent or tense, just angry. I understand why you can't tell us why he is so impatient, but a little work needs to be done to smooth this out.

I also think you could work to make the adults in the car sound different. Right now, the voices sound the same.

But once you get into the hospital scenes, things take a turn for the better and the piece becomes much stronger.

Good work... I enjoyed this.

Wes Worthing (Level 5)

Describing Michael as handsome and Rachel as stunning is taboo and not important to the story, unless this were about them getting cosmetic surgery after their accidents. There really isn't much too not like about this story. I like the double-meaning title. You have this set-up with a gripping opening--I can forsee the accident, wondering who's going to live or die. I like the dual POV's of both drivers; I can understand how each would be upset with the other. You could probably get rid of the parathetical (bitterly), I can't imagine Parker's line would be taken any other way. I thing Parker repeating the sixteen bazillion was a great touch as well as the angel wings. Very emotional, sits in your gut kind of story that I will probably remember for a while. Strong writing. This may contend.

William Dunbar (Level 5)

Great job! This was one of the better scripts I think I've read on this site. Keep up the good work.

Comments Made After the Contest

Brian Wind (Level 5) ~ 9/1/2009 12:02 AM

Well done Sally! I'll give it a read sometime this week.

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5) ~ 9/1/2009 12:04 AM

This is the only one of the winners that I read this month - good job!

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5) ~ 9/1/2009 12:05 AM

Congrats Sally. I thought about this story for a while after I read it. Nice job. :)

Margaret Ricke (Level 5) ~ 9/1/2009 12:14 AM

Congratulations, Sally. This was one of my favorites. I love your writing, and I love your stories.

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 9/1/2009 12:20 AM

I love the way you write. Congratulations on another script in the top three.

Michael Hoffman (Level 4) ~ 9/1/2009 12:56 AM

Congrats Sally. Enjoyed a whole lot of things in this script. Glad you were rewarded.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5) ~ 9/1/2009 1:06 AM

Loved your story! Congrats!

Tim Westland (Moderator) ~ 9/1/2009 1:29 AM

Congratulations, Sally!!! A very nice story.

Wes Worthing (Level 5) ~ 9/1/2009 6:02 AM

No shock here. Great job!

Sally Meyer (Moderator) ~ 9/1/2009 9:00 AM

Thank you everyone for your kind words and insightful reviews. Now that I am free to change the ending, I will be able to make some changes that I know are needed. I plan to make this into a feature story, with this being the opening scene. Parker and Taylor (sorry Chris, but the names are going to have to be changed) will take a journey together that will change both their lives.

Thanks again everyone.

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 9/1/2009 9:24 AM

Best of luck with the feature length. Maybe you could call two other characters Parker and Taylor. :)

Paul Williams (Level 5) ~ 9/1/2009 3:20 PM

Hey Sally, congratulations on the third place finish! You continue to be one of my favorite writers on here.

I loved your opening scene, it was so well written and concise. I did have my issues with the scene in the hospital and it seems I was in the minority with this and perhaps being a little too critical.

I'm really drawn to the theme you use a lot- a disabled child's story or the protection of such children. It's powerful and you handle it responsibly and gracefully.

Never stop writing!

Sally Meyer (Moderator) ~ 9/1/2009 4:41 PM

Thank you Paul, I appreciate your words of encouragement. I also appreciate the great review.

I don't think anyone picked up the fact that Parker's daughter would be the one to donate the heart to Taylor. That will be the feature, that she lets them take the heart from her own daughter and gives it to Taylor. IN the feature she is either going to kidnap Taylor and keep her as her own when the authorities won't let her adopt. We will pick up the story when Taylor is about sixteen. That's my goal for right now.

Brian Wind (Level 5) ~ 9/10/2009 5:11 PM

Sally, sorry I didn't get a chance to read this during the contest, but I just did now. Very touching script. Well done. If I had scored it, I'd give this one a Very Good. Nice job & congrats again on the top 3 finish. Well deserved!

Sally Meyer (Moderator) ~ 9/11/2009 9:49 AM

Thanks so much Brian.!!!!