Comments Made During the Contest

Amanda Sidorowicz (Level 4)

Very interesting. I like the way you went with this. Younger, creepy guy gets brutally killed be the seemingly nice older couple. Then again, maybe they really are nice, but have just seen their fair-share of murderous hitch-hikers, so they are taking a stand?

Overall, this was very good: well-written, good character descriptions, etc. The only problem I see is some of the dialogue by Yancy seems a bit forced or unrealistic. He just seems really obvious with his intentions. I don't think many killers, who want to be successful, put themselves out there like that. I could be wrong. That was really the only problem I saw because I really enjoyed it.

Nice job.

Andrew Stone (Level 3)

This is very funny. Nice descriptions. I wish you had even taken it further. Taylor poking him with a needle seemed a little too easy. I think if they could have mind fucked him and/or if Taylor has a secret skill beyond crocheting it would have been funnier. But that said, nice work, this worked pretty well. I just think the premise is so great you could have milked it a little bit further.

Aralis Bloise (Level 4)

I love, love, love this script and I absolutely adore these little murderous old people. I have to admit I was hoping since the beginning that the drifter was going to get stabbed with those knitting needles, but that didn't make it any less enjoyable when it happened. The dialogue is priceless. I would love to this this made. The nonchalance of the dialogue is what get to me: PARKER
(shouts to Taylor)
This fella' said he killed a couple
last week an' left 'em in the ditch.
TAYLOR
Oh my!
PARKER
(shouts to Taylor)
Fixin' to do the same to us.
TAYLOR
Oh dear!
too funny!

Ashley White (Level 3)

I enjoyed reading this one. It was a little predictable with the old couple being the "bad guys." Well, more bad than Yancy at least. Nothing wrong with predictable though. It is exciting to read something and have an idea of where it is going to go. The cannible part was a definite curve ball though. I did not see that coming. Your dialogue was written naturally; nothing seemed forced. As gross as it was, I thought the knitting needle part was very smart.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

Maybe my brain is a little too warped from reading so many scripts, but I'm afraid I saw this twist coming from a mile away.

Still, your craft is good and this was a fun read. I just wish there was some motivation for any of these characters to be killing.

Christopher Pedersen Cook (Level 3)

I thought I had it right from the beginning. But you find out stuff about the characters that makes you think twice - especially about Yancy, as I figured he'd be innocent. Creepy and the ending is pretty disgusting if I read it correctly, but a kind of absurd humor runs throughtout the script, defusing the tension in a Coen-esque way.

David Birch (Level 5)

well this certainly was the most demented story this month, err...ever that i've reviewed...hope they were going to feed the body parts to the hogs...of course we know that you can't wrap meat until it has been hung so it can bleed out...really liked the dialog...rang true...good job on a tough assignment...think i'll become a vegetarian...

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

"EXT. RURAL HIGHWAY - DUSK" Slug lines should only say DAY or NIGHT. If "dusk" is important, put it in the action description.

"YANCY, 40's, gangly and unshaven, soiled clothing, with a scar stretching across his dirty cheek, meanders along the roadside with a duffel bag slung over his shoulder." The words WITH A are used two times in this one sentence, and it distracted me. Suggestion something like: "YANCY, 40's, gangly and unshaven, soiled clothing, with a
scar stretching across his dirty cheek, meanders along the roadside. He carries a duffel bag slung over his shoulder."

"We'll be passin' through a town 'bout an hour north of here. Need a lift?" Since we know the character is hitching, the "Need a lift?" seems redundant.

"Taylor plunges one of her crocheting needles in to his neck." Sorry, this wasn't a surprise ... saw it coming.

Jay Simms (Level 3)

Not too bad, can't say I didn't see it coming. Why would the hitchhiker ride in the passenger seat, when Taylor was in it earlier? Not enough dialog from Taylor, the one who kills the hitchhiker. But the dialog from the two men was pretty good. Yancey's long story, wasn't long at all. Yancey should have known something wasn't right when the old people were not scared at all.

Jeannie Sconzo (Level 5)

Very good! The only reason I didn't give you an excellent is because that line "Try to get some sleep" seemed out of place. I know that it's necessary but to make it work you needed some segue to it. You needed to mention how Taylor was tired or something but stayed awake for the sake of the hitcher.

John Brooke (Level 5)

SYNOPSIS: A dirty hitch-hiker Yancy (40’s) is a solitary figure hoping for a ride in the middle of a desolate stretch of highway. Practically no traffic, but a single automobile stops and picks him up. It’s driven by Parker (80’s) who alerts his wife Taylor, a sweet looking grandmotherly type about the same age as her husband Parker. They pick him up and continue on their way.

Parker and Yancy start out making small talk which becomes rapidly ominous. Yancy brandishing a big hunting knife brags that he has recently killed an old couple not unlike Parker and Taylor. Stole their car, money etc and just left them dead along the roadside.

Parker alerts Taylor who has been sitting in the back seat crocheting. He tells her about the old couple that Yancy left dead along the roadside. Yancy tells Parker to pull over to the side of the road.

When they stop Taylor plunges one of her crochet needels into Yancy’s neck and another one through his eardrum. He dies quickly.

The sweet old couple Parker and Taylor expertly butcher Yancy and wrap up his body parts. “We’ll eat at home” says Parker.

Neatly told without any waste all neatly package up. You hooked me right off the top and I was lured by the short crisp near flash fiction style writing.

Reading this I was reminded of a Radio Show called “Inner Sanctum” several centuries ago when I was a child. Your tale of “road kill” fits that creepy show perfectly. Only difference is that you show us just how creepy humans can be. Wonderful visit to my youthful ‘Horror Theater of the mind.’

Jose Batista (Level 5)

This was Very Good indeed. I won't give it an Excellent because I saw where you were taking the script, but the execution of the twist was still awesome. Yancy and Parker's conversation sort of hinted at what was going to happen because of Parker's calm demeanor in the face of a serious threat. Taylor crocheting in the back seat was a great touch and her playing dumb and deaf was golden, although it further gave it away. Even though you didn't hint at it directly, I felt that she and he old man were gonna flip on the hitcher. The last part about the old man and his wife heading home to eat up the body was the cherry on top: They turned out to be the crazy and deranged killers afterall. Yanci was very cliche for him being a murderer. Nowadays, everybody's actin' like they don't have to hide the fact that they're killers and use the non-chalant approach to display their tough exteriors. It worked well enough here as he played a polar opposite to the old man and his wife, but I would have liked to see Yanci as a more original serial killer.

Kevin Carty (Level 4)

Nice beginning nice visuals. But the ending was a little lame. This is what I expected the talking was too expository wish you hinted at it instead of talked about it or maybe revealed it later on. It was just too expected. Good story just didn't give much ingenuity. You screwed up the twist by having the hitchicker blurt out everything at the end ( I'm a killer, I killed people and I'm going to kill you and then I was like oh well they are probably going to kill him first) Very predictable, This would have been excellent but you messed up the tension by having your character reveal the entire plot.
Now had he said something like (Someone has been killing people around here and the wife jumped him) Maybe, if you used a set piece instead of talking us through the plot.
Instead of the ol' I did it mantra what if he asked ( you two seem like smart people did you think I was just an innocent hitchiker). The scenario has alot of room for creativity and has alot of promise but it reminds me of a movie I saw called the hitcher. The killer explains everything (no mystery about him) that's what happened here. You have to work at creating tension and not making it about blunt exposition.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

It is very very well written. Crisp and to the point.

However I must admit that it was predictable. And if it's on screen I would understand what Yancy was up to even before he spoke and what the twist was going to be. Cute old lady for the villain is no surprise at all. Maybe it's just me.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Well written and structure good. Characters interesting and defined.
Not sure narrative works. Two serial killers (counting Parker and Taylor as one unit) roam a roadway and inadvertently come upon each other? No real purpose or motivation for killing people -- similar to "No Country For Old Men." Yancy's declaration "I'm a sicko" feels to pat.
Perhaps, considering Yancy's "creepy" description, it would be ironic for him not to be a threat. May be enough that the two seniors are.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

You wrote it well, but...

I had the whole story figured out before page 1 was done. The twist was predictable, and the misdirection obvious. I really wanted to enjoy this because you're evidently a fine writer with good craft, but the story did absolutely nothing for me because I could almost predict every line that was coming. I even predicted that Taylor would do him in from the backseat with her crochet needle (it was the only weapon at hand, so it was a no-duh call). The cannibalism at the end, I confess, I didn't see coming, but that was more for shock's sake than a legitimate twist.

Laurie Paulin (Level 2)

This was an easy script to read and the ending was set up well. The dialogue was appropriate and the characters well-drawn. What I also liked about it was that it was "tight", that is, there was no wasted words or extraneous detail.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

I could see it coming, but I still loved the ride through from beginning to end.
Excellent dialogue. Excellent pacing. Great title.

A very few suggestions -

At the bottom of page four it should be "into" instead of "in to."

I think you want Taylor knitting rather than crocheting. Crocheting involves one very blunt needle. They're usually pretty short, too. Knitting usually uses two longer needles with pointed ends. They make much better weapons...

Excellent work.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

I think you have the start of something really cool here but for me the ending didn't measure up to the rest of your story. I thought the old couple were the ghosts of the people Yancy killed. Honestly, I would have liked that better. But for Yancy to have killed an elderly couple recently, then run into another elderly couple who happen to be killers too...hmmm. For me that's just too convenient.

Good writing though. Funny dialog too.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

That was great. I like the details in the story that can be interpreted differently once the twist is revealed. (Taylor smiling, and that Parker is curious about where he left the bodies.) I did see the ending coming from about a page or two away, not because of these details, but the penultimate line made up for it.

I liked how there's this natural generational hostility between Yancy and Parker at the beginning. There's a whole different level of meaning created there, just by making Parker and Taylor an elderly couple and Yancy a young killer. I also liked the "Who needs a motive nowadays?" line, which could also make it about old vs. new killers, real and fictitious.

Great.

Matt Essner (Level 1)

This script had three of my favorite things: Hitchhikers, Cannibalism and Crochet. I really liked the twist at the end. It wasn't entirely unexpected, but that's because I expect the unexpected, especially with hitchhikers, and that's why I'm still alive today.

Maurice Charlot (Level 3)

I smirked a couple times reading this, one at the wit and two on the fact that these are eighty year old serial killers. Really creative. It's a quick read filled with great dialouge and the actions are on par with another great script I've read so far. The descriptions here work and are not overly descriptive. A twisted tale but a really cool take on a familiar horror theme. Keep up the good work.

Micah Ricke (Level 4)

Interesting script, great pace, well written, though there were a few punctuation errors and the like.

You do a great job of making such a dark story concept seem 'fun'. The ending was quite predicatable, but I think that it worked.

I am sitting on the fence as to whether to score it a 'good' of 'very good' but I will lean toward the latter because it's one of the better ones I've read this month.

Best regards.

Michael Cuculich (Level 3)

This was a really nice, dark but funny horror peice- it very much reminded me of a TALES FROM THE CRIPT episode. It sets up a situation that is almost cliche, but then subverts it in a clever, funny way. I kind of suspected something when the old man seemed almost excited to pick up the hitcher, but it was written in a subtle enough way that it was ambiguous. Yancy as a character was a cliche psycho, but even he proclaimed it himself, so it lent his cliche of a character a kind of wink-wink knowingness. It was also nice to see a final twist of the knife (so to speak) when it's revealed that the old couple are not only killers, but cannibals. That was completely unexpected and was written so casually that it was treated like anything else. I found this a particuarly funny and effective way to set that up. Some of the dialogue is probably too much on the nose, even though I understand in a way that's part of the point, but overall this was a good peice.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

I'm not sure if it was supposed to be a surprise, but you gave your story away to me halfway into page one. I knew then that Yancy picked the wrong elderly couple and the tables were now turned on him.

Boy, you gotta hell of a story here. The cannibal revelation at the end I certainly didn't see coming though, which might be a little over the top, leading me to:

Some of the tone was off for me a little bit. Parts of the story don't seem to take itself too seriously, almost tongue-in-cheek horror/comedy.

Yancy is a unique name.

It felt a little weird (slightly contrived) that Yancy is conveniently sitting in the front seat leaving him vulnerable to Taylor's inevitable attack with her crochet needles.

Your screenwriting is good, but maybe try to incorporate more visuals. Due to your setting, you've limited yourself to mostly dialogue, but perhaps some of this can be re-written.

There are a few minor formatting issues. Didn't detect any major typos.

Rob Dianora (Level 4)

I liked your story a lot and it's nice to see a decent plot. Your characters were fun realistic and interesting. It made the story a good read. It was very solid. I like the twist towards the end, I thought it worked on multiple levels, first it was interesting to see a violent old lady and second it was hidden very well. It was almost another No Country for Old Men, but the twist made it original.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

Kind of fun creepy story. I could see the ending coming a mile away though. It was fun to see how the old couple were going to dispose of Yancy. That was pretty funny how they chopped him up and wrapped the parts in white paper. I like the old couple a lot, they're fun, and the story was entertaining, even if it was predictable.

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

This is great! Excellent! Even though the end was a little predictable, it was fun to watch, because you did such a great job developing the story and the characters and bringing the whole thing to a climax. I hope you make this movie (or someone does). I'd love to watch it. I can picture (the late) Hume Cronyn and Jessica Tandy as the old couple. Perfect. This is really a fun script. Excellent job.

Shaheryar Ahmed (Level 3)

I liked this one.... this had cool cold feel and it was brought by your stunning writing. Nice visuals and everything. nice and realistic dialogue... I loved the character of yancy... " i'm a sickup.. who needs a motive nowadays"... that was really nice!

Shane Shearer (Level 4)

Well done. I really enjoyed this.

Old people aren't given enough credit for being psycho killers and you know it as much as I do. It's good to see them get their moment in the limelight with this piece.

This would be an interesting short for some indie filmmaker to do. Or for someone to enter into the November short film contest.

Very Good work.

Shawn Cottrill (Level 3)

Loved the description of Parker - "permanent frown." This was definitely a creepy story. I did predict that they old couple was going to to kill Yancy, but I did not see the cannibal thing coming. Definitely a surprise there. I thought the ending worked well with your story. It showed their nonchalance at what they just did.

Shedric Bragg (Level 3)

80 year old serial killers. Man this is a trip. I suppose this is a comedy-horror and it works really well.

The details are very good and the dialouge is extremly good. Don't agree with the ending but this is pretty good from the beginning to the end.

Overall I had a good time reading this one. Keep up the good work.

Steve Monger (Level 3)

I never thought I'd vote Very Good on a script about a murderous old couple with cannibalistic tendencies. But I did. I thoroughly enjoyed this script. It's well written, has great characters, it all jumps off the page. Great job. My only criticism is that I kind of expected the ending, but I'm not entirey sure that would matter in what would probably be a 5 minute film.

Thomas W. Brown (Level 4)

Crazy story, and I mean that in the best possible way. A great mix between horror and comedy that leaves you with a strange little tale. I liked it, although I must admit I saw the ending coming a mile away. Not much I can say beyond that. It was well written, flowed nicely, and was paced well. Great job!

Tyrone Banks (Level 3)

The opening line of dialouge kind of gives away the twist but that's not a major misstep it's okay. I enjoyed this and it's a really good comedy/thriller/horror script that I liked a bunch. I didn't notice too many errors if any and the story is what sold me. It's impressive and these old cows are evil. Keep up the good work.

Wes Worthing (Level 5)

On the first page it would be far better to have Taylor frown rather than smile, or leave her reaction out all together, becuase that was the moment that gave away the ending. We all know what the absolute ending will be, because of this month's contest criteria, but it was a dead giveaway how the ending before the end would result. I knew they were going to kill and possibly eat him because of Taylor's simple reaction to the hitcher comin' up. The pages to follow reinforced the predictability because of Yancy's cocky attitude and Parker's lack of fear. If you want this to have a sudden reveal at the close, then everyone has to act opposite of what they really feel. Yancy should pretend to be nice until the moment he attacks, Parker needs to pretend to be scared and cautious of his new passenger. The ending needs to be left more surprising, or even if it's predictable, then something unique or entertaining needs to take place in the car; albeit humorous or action-packed, something to keep our minds away from how it will end.

Comments Made After the Contest

Margaret Ricke (Level 5) ~ 9/1/2009 12:16 AM

Congrats, Brian! This was one of my favorites and I really thought it would place in the top three.

Brian Wind (Level 5) ~ 9/1/2009 12:21 AM

Thanks for the great comments everyone! I'm glad so many people enjoyed this, even if you were all able to predict the outcome. :)

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 9/1/2009 12:23 AM

Congratulations on the Honorable Mention. About the outcome, I think a group of screenwriters is about the hardest audience to fool. I'm sure regular folk would be shocked. :)

Sally Meyer (Moderator) ~ 9/1/2009 12:40 AM

This was so creepy, those white packaged body parts!! You will be well on your way to writing next months script!!

Brian Wind (Level 5) ~ 9/1/2009 12:42 AM

Thank Margaret & Chris!

Sally, I've been waiting 2+ years to write next months script. I'm not sure if I'm more excited to write my own or review all the others. :D

Thomas W. Brown (Level 4) ~ 9/1/2009 12:44 AM

Brian, this script rocked! Congratulations on the HM, wish it would have placed!

Brian Wind (Level 5) ~ 9/10/2009 5:43 PM

Thank you Thomas! Glad you enjoyed it.