Comments Made During the Contest

Andrew Stone (Level 3)

Personally, this was a bit crass and I was disappointed with the twist, though it wasn't unexpected based on the title. Also, since the whole script hinged on the twist, it was basically a woman in a trunk leading up to this reveal. To me, it could have been more interesting if the husband took things too far and she was angry. Or you showed the next game when she would do something to him. Otherwise it just comes off as a bit misogynistic.

Aralis Bloise (Level 4)

I like the concept, but you should rethink the title because it gives the twist away. The only other problem I see with it is how difficult this would be to shoot. Taylor is moving around a lot in a very confined space and in almost total darkness. Because of this I think it might work better as a short story rather than a film.

Ashley White (Level 3)

Those people are freaky. I really liked the title...very clever. Based on the title, I has a slight idea of where the story was headed, but was still surprised at the end. You did a good job conveying genuine fear during the car ride. Definitely didn't expect a veiny dildo to be the weapon that she would find. Your writing is very good...definitely talented.

Charles Bonet (Level 3)

I thought the writing in this script was fantastic. Very visual, energetic, and visceral. I especially liked the lack of dialogue. This is probably the first script I've read from this contest (and that includes my own) that wasn't primarily dialogue driven. I could really feel the darkness and claustrophobia throughout the story. And the Taylor character came through very clearly.

I had a little trouble with the ending. It didn't really work for me. I thought that a very effective, dark and frightening tone had been established and was then kind of cheapened by a comedic ending.

However, despite the ending, this is probably one of the best scripts I've read from this contest.

Chris Keaton (Level 5)

Ok, this had a funny ending. I was thinking thriller. I was thinking that this could be an awesome horror short with no dialog. I was really expecting something great, but I get a joke. Ok, I've done that to readers to. So if this is what you wanted you succeeded. Good job.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

Your craft is pretty good, but I have three concerns.

First, I think it's cool how you describe the darkness in this trunk, but then you go on to set the vast majority of your scene there. How do we see all of this?

Second, I think your title gives away the twist.

Third, I think this tale might feel too dark in the beginning and middle to try and end with a comedic twist. The tone shift is so dramatic, you are bound to lose some of your audience.

I hope that helps.

Christopher Pedersen Cook (Level 3)

Impressive. You really capture the fearful atmosphere of the person locked inside, which makes the ending all the more surprising, as if it wasn't surprising enough already. Knowing how the story is supposed to end, the intial circumstances leaves you clueless as to how it will get there, maintaining and thus building that curiosity until the very end. It might attract a few disgusted responses, but I'm guessing it will be among the top scripts this month.

David Birch (Level 5)

some things to like...decent twist...you put us in the trunk with her...nice imaginative approach to the assignment...liked the fact that you didn't try to skirt around the trunk issue...just put it in our face from the start...on the flip side, i thought you could have done a little more than give us pages of description...maybe have the car stop at a restaurant, gas station, whatever to add to the drama...plus would have made the read easier, because it was a bit tedious in spots...anyway...nice submission...thanks

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

If it's so dark in the trunk, how can we see that she is black and blue?

Not my favorite type of movie but the writing is good.

Javier Torregrosa (Level 4)

You have a lot of nice writing which in the end wasn't too entertaining for me. The big problem with this script and most importantly for the camera is that the majority of the script takes place inside the trunk. Which is 'dark' & 'black'. Two obstacles the camera has to overcome. Looks like a potential director will need night vision. Because in the end of the day we write for film and not a novel.

I also don't know the cover of Spinal Tap so cannot draw any reference to your inspiration. I get the idea but is rather bad form to alienate your audience with pop references to things people might not be aware of.

The reason why it was not entertaining was that with nearly five pages in the trunk and what seemed like and endless list of detail, it turns out to be play acting.

You're also missing a slug. When the trunk opens, you should have wrote INT./EXT.

Anyway, the logistics of this script have prevented me from giving this script a decent score.

All the best,


Javier

Jay Simms (Level 3)

The whole story is in total darkness in the trunk. How would that be seen on screen?
And I'm pretty sure light doesn't shine through a keyhole on a trunk of a car and also for someone to look out of it like a old fashion keyhole on a door. The story ended in pain and I mean for the reader, just horrible. Not a script for something to be filmed, more like a short story and a real bad one.

Jeannie Sconzo (Level 5)

Very good!
I was trying to figure out the ending for the first 4 pages and couldn't.
Great anticipation.
At the top of pg 4 you say the pressure of his movements. I think it might be more effective if you do not say his giving away a gender already. Keep the audience wondering and believing that it could be anyone of any gender.

John Brooke (Level 5)

SYNOPSIS: A beautiful woman, Taylor, of indeterminate age is bound and gagged in the trunk of a car. It’s traveling on a paved road. She wriggles her way out of her bonds. She is in her twenties. The car slams to a stop. Her foot is injured and then her hand as she slams her fist into the metal surrounding her, in frustration and fear. In the end it transpires that it is all play acting. Husband Parker and his wife Taylor getting their jollies in a ‘kidnap/rape fantasy.

Your title tells it like it is. Your scenes of Taylor’s confinement and struggles were totally convincing and carried be along right up to the rubber dildo waggling in her husband face. You writing was convincing even though your title is a spoiler. I’m sure I wouldn’t pay to see this short unless it had a really stellar cast.

Your story is convincingly told without any dialogue until what should be a surprise ending. Again, another title might be a wise choice.

Jose Batista (Level 5)

Great title!

You really had me going there for a few pages. Right up until the rubber cock was in her hands, then I knew something was up. A married couple enticing themselves and spicing up their relationship by playing roleplaying games...LOL!!! I know a couple that's like that, so I'm going to show them this script when the contest is over and see how they like it.

I enjoyed the twist at the end. You built up the tension and suspense very excellently. Your descriptions and the little bit of dialogue at the end were all very well crafted. Would certainly love to see this made into a short. Cheers on a well earned Excellent.

Kevin Carty (Level 4)

Character: I get no sense of character here because this seems more like a big gag than a story. I don't know who she is or he all I know is that they are "sexual deviants" sad sad this topic just was too much of an idea than trying to get to know them. The concept is interesting but a story is more than just a concept. It needs character(s).

Story:This is a cute script, but the whole idea is not my favorite. I like that the trapped in the trunk idea was ok but it was just ok. I think you are a wonderful writer glad it started off from the start but what a terrible title and ending. Nothing surprises me. Your action was well written but at many times overwritten. This story makes no sense.

Format: Too much action + descriptions that don't really need to be explained. Your dialogue is non existent. You write so much in parts that it hurts your grammar as well. Stop yourself at 3 lines please, we get it now don't embellish and over indulge. Your writing is great and you can teach me something but I think you can pull back a lil bit, overall your writing is why I give this a good but everything else just doesn't work for me. in this section: Good.

Overall: Good. No real format mistakes just think you got carried away and for me the idea wouldn't make a cohesive film but it is more like an advertisement for rubber sex toys. Also don't coreograph everything. Remember to make it a quick read.

Oh yeah suggestion. The title is too long or at least too expository because your story/script depends on the surprise. You have to be subtle there as well. Why not just call it Bound, Fetish, Gagged, Safety Word, Tied Up. All of these would have allowed me to read without expecting anything.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

The title let me think it's going to be about sex and marriage and it hardly was. The end seems rushed especially after detailed and long description of how bad it was in the trunk.

I'm sorry, I thought the end was a little predictable. And then visualizing it on screen - a woman in a trunk wants out and then her husband lets her out and let's us know he was filming all along - I don't know if I would be interested in watching it. But maybe (hopefully) it's just me.

As to writing - I think you could tighten it a bit. For example - "She gets back in, rubbing her eyes, exhausted. Parker notices her exhaustion" - I'd suggest "She gets back in, rubbing her eyes, exhausted. Parker notices."

I'm thinking "try to get some sleep" here is not very fitting.

I think that your descriptions of Taylor in a trunk are good and I applaud you for standing up to the challenge and stick with her in a trunk for almost the full length of your short.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Original idea. Good job at producing a surprise ending. Terrific title, with a hint. Interesting choice for using the popular car trunk prompt.
Really like all the details. Almost all this story takes place in the trunk and it is riveting to follow Taylor as she tries to free herself.
There is good tension, but story could move quicker by shortening the descriptions. Edit the complete sentences down to fragments; the words are already there.
Not a fan of graphic material, but the "gotcha" at the end was well done.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

"Blacker than a Spinal Tap album cover." I'm sure you really liked this line, but I don't think it serves any purpose here. We already know that it's dark, and black, and black is black when it shows up on screen. I know this is an instance of your writer's "voice", but your voice oughtn't tell us anything redundant. I'd suggest cutting this and letting the paragraph be more concise.

By the way, if it were really as black as you suggest, we'd never be able to see Taylor anyway. And light comes through a keyhole: so it's really NOT blacker than a Spinal Tap album cover. Be careful of contradictions.

"trying to peak her consciousness" This is a good example of more words you need to delete. We, the viewers, can guess why she's shaking her head. Just feed us the actions.

Do you really need the word "ass"? It just jumped out at me from the middle of an action paragraph as unnecessarily crude.

What is an "average sorority girl"? Your version or my version? They might be vastly different. If you're going to give a character description that vague, you might as well not give one at all.

"Breath" instead of "She catches her breathe."

Taylor's doing a lot of screaming. I don't think that'd be very fun to watch. You need to vary it up, a lot, because otherwise we're simply trapped in the trunk with her for four minutes listening to her scream. That could either be remarkably cool (if it's a phenomenal actress) or just plain annoying (more probable).

Your twist ending just didn't play in my book. If she really has a broken foot and all that, I'm supposed to buy that it's all part of an act that she somehow forgot about and is really turned on by? And that she forgot that the item (by the way, there are too many uses of the word "item" on the top of page 5) was a dildo until she pulled it out? Really? You went for a shock twist, but you didn't give the right clues. She wouldn't have actually been afraid, as you insist time and again, nor give true primal screams, because she would've actually known it was play-acting all along (the ball gag was your only real hint).

Laurie Paulin (Level 2)

There was a lot of descriptive action in this script. Normally, a script with so little dialogue would be a problem but what has been written is so interesting and engaging that this doesn't apply. I also liked how you changed the mood from danger to comedy in a way that was quite natural and not jarring at all.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

Use a DAY or NIGHT designation in your scene heading. The only time it wouldn't matter might be if the audience never saw sun or moon.

You start with "Dark. Black." and I'm not sure that works well here. For one thing, I don't know what "blacker than a Spinal Tap album cover" means. It sounds like it would be really black, though... For another, you have a lot of visual details of what happens in the trunk, so how black can it really be? Focus on having it really dark and work your story out with sounds more than visuals, or start off playing up the muted light from the keyhole and keep your opening to "Dark."

I really like the way you've written the trunk scenes, so I vote for dropping the "black" references.

In "trying to 'peak' her consciousness," I think the word you want is 'pique.' Either way, this isn't working for two reasons.

First, don't tell your reader what a character is trying to do. Write it out in actions. You're very good at that, so make the most of it.

Second, many people don't use the term on a regular basis, and there will be a fair number who aren't sure what it actually means. The words, the language you use outside of dialogue, should be straightforward and clear to as many people as possible.

Rethink the section when she looks out the keyhole and can only see the lines on either side of the road. I really thought it was a night scene.

When you write, stick to what will be seen and heard by a viewing audience. Your audience won't know that the air in the trunk is getting denser and heavier. All they'll know is that she's having trouble breathing. Don't write the reason for something happening on screen. Write what happens.

The hot make out session doesn't work for me. The woman's been screaming in pain from a broken foot and now she's passionate? S&M or not, I'd think she'd want to get her butt to a hospital. Unless...

Are they supposed to have staged the accident and nothing's really wrong? That doesn't work, either. Not after the blood and bandages and pain.

Rethink your lighting and the amount of detail it allows. Write in the here and now. Don't let language come between the reader and the image you want them to end up with. Rethink your ending a bit.

All that said, I really enjoy your writing. It's obvious that you're a good story teller. Let me know if you do a rewrite.

Good work.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

NOt sure how we can see the ball gag in Taylor's mouth since you overly described how black it is in that trunk. I guess it wasn't none more black.

The suspense was good here. You did "tell" us a few things that would be impossible to see on screen. You need to find a way to show them.

I loved it until the giant dildo. Not that I have anything against dildos but I thought that really ruined what you built up. It took your story to a different level so instead of taking it seriously it turned almost silly. I think with the suspense you had built up you could have come up with a better reason for her to be in that trunk.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

You pulled off just setting it in a car trunk really well. I really like it when writers withhold enough information from an audience to put them in a similar position to the characters who don't know what's happening to them. It makes it much easier to have empathy.

"Dark. Black. Blacker than a Spinal Tap album cover." You might think this is cute description, but if it was true then we wouldn't be able to see anything at all, which defeats the point of the following paragraphs and later the button hole of light.

"She stops to catch her breathe." To breathe is the verb, breath is the noun.

Great ending, made me laugh out loud, which is rare. Like other endings of its sort, it begs the question, why did she look so afraid? It didn't bother me when I read it, but that could be an issue.

Maurice Charlot (Level 3)

The entire script was very intense with some very realistic actions, visuals and the entire thing was just real. It was a simple story about a taboo of some sorts but it was done really well. Your descriptions are a bit clunky in spots but with reason. I liked this. Keep up the good work.

Micah Ricke (Level 4)

Overall, your writing is good.

My only complaint is that there's a bit too much direction. Any action or nuance or direction to actor, director, editor, etc. should be ABSOLUTELY CRITICAL to the telling of the story. You chose to tell a story with very little dialogue, that's great, very commendable, but if you're going to pull it off you need to keep the writing very terse and to the point. Save the lengthy dissertations for short-stories and poetry.

You do a great job of weaving a very tense story and then completely turning it on its head. The huge dildo will undoubtedly turn many off, but I thought it was funny.

Michael Cornetto (Level 5)

For the most part I thought you did a good job with this. I liked the first four pages but I didn't really like the ending. It's was cute and all but it really didn't do the first four pages justice. Also I found the whole trunk thing confusing. Since when does light shine in from the keyhole of a trunk? Until the trunk lid popped open I thought she was in a box. Things like seeing the road outside it or getting her leg caught between the trunk and the backseat were confusing. Nice try but I think it needs a bit of work yet.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

Your title might give the ending away to some reviewers.

You're walking on dangerous ground here. You have the reviewer read five narrative-filled pages. While this was well-written and terrifying, it's a real commitment you're asking us to do. Then the revelation that this is actually an S&M role-playing between husband and wife. The audience might feel had, or the butt of a joke.

My point is, there becomes a huge de-escalation of conflict in the story and the pay-off, while surprising, feels more like a punchline than a twist.

Your screenwriting is good. Again, for five pages of almost solid action text, it read fast and easy. Good job with that.

Format appears in order; didn't detect any typos.

Rob Dianora (Level 4)

Interesting ending tto say the least. I think the pacing could use some work and it dragged a bit. I mean four pages of a woman in a dark trunk may lose some of your audience. I did like your descriptions, they were great. The detail is definitely a strong point for you.

Rob Gross (Level 4)

Good twist at the end.

You did a pretty good job setting this up, and showing the fear in Taylor. Some notes/observations:

"blacker than a spinal tap album cover"- this is not needed. We get it- its Dark/black.

"fills the darkness" is not needed.

These two lines are examples of how the writing could be leaner without losing story, and will make for a better read.

I like how you show the light through the keyhole as the car moves.

When you say "she goest to town on the rope with her teeth. Freeing them..." you should say that she freed her hands. The way you have it is ambiguous.

AFter the car comes to a stop, I like how we don't know what the hell is going on. Will she be rescued? Will she be killed? Aha! Neither.

From where did parker get blood on his forehead?

Good job.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

This was a fun idea for a story, but there was so much action that could have been trimmed way way back.

It reads more like a story not a script. I thought the ending was good, surprising, but a reasonable twist that I didn't see coming.

Interesting title. But I'm thinking maybe cut off the & Marriage. It's a lot stronger if you have it just Bound for Sex. Or how about Sex Bound. I dunno, I just like really strong titles.

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

This is a short story, not a script. What are we watching this whole time? Darkness in the trunk? I know nothing about S&M, but do people really crash their cars into things? Break bones? Punch punch punch punch their hands into a bloody pulp? Yikes! (Just rent a porno movie and pour yourselves a couple martinis.) This was way too bizarre for me to enjoy. But the main problem is the writing style. As I mentioned before, this is a short story disguised (sort of) as a script. I don't see how it would translate to the screen. It's all in darkness (except for the spot of light through the keyhole -- and car keyholes don't admit much light, if any), so we wouldn't be able to see much, certainly not some of the nuanced things you've described, like, "She has to stop. Everything is spinning. Her head droops as though she will faint." Tough to see all that in the dark.

Shaun Bragg (Level 4)

This was a really intense game of S&M that was really entertaining throughout. Liked a lot of the visuals here and the descriptions were done exceptional well. Not much dialouge and the action is the MVP here. Not a cool character or a nifty premise. I was really impressed. Keep up the good work.

Shedric Bragg (Level 3)

This is filled and driven by a series of actions and detailed descriptions that make this script a fun and exciting read, despite only having a few lines of dialouge this thing is really good. Show don't tell. Is what every writer should thrive for and this writer gets it done.

The story is a little out there but it's fun to read this. These people are having a good time living dangerously role playing and Taylor is put through a tough ordeal but she enjoys every minute of it.

Keep up the good work.

Suzanne Smith (Level 3)

Hello! Wow, the Thompsons like pain - have to admit this script raised an eyebrow. The trunk scene dragged a bit - you could drop several sequences without it interfering with the required build. Heavy detail with her every move (overkill on she), was a bit confusing but the twisted ending certainly made up for the trunk scene. Kind of crazy to think these people drive around and purposely crash. A sexual taboo is most certainly a good way to leave people speechless. Having the dildo makes light to the situation. Not sure if this type of dark humor is everybody's cup of tea, but I loved it! I liked sitting back after reading this script and going -'whoa' lol. Lot's of potential - keep writing!

Thomas W. Brown (Level 4)

This is a crazy script. I like it, it makes great use of the space within the trunk. The narrative held my interest and kept me guessing. The ending is great, although I think the "Try to get some sleep" line is a little forced in this situation. The one thing I don't like is the title. I do catch myself wondering how well this would transfer to the screen, but then again I am not a film maker. Not too much I can say beyond that. Great job!

Tim Aucoin (Level 4)

Nice twist.
The line "blacker than a spinal tap album" seemed rather accessive. You said it was dark twice already this is just beating us over the head with it. Plus not everyone knows who spinal tap is and might not get this.
So are the wounds Taylor received real or not? If they're real then it's very hard to believe she'd go through all that torture just for a sexual thrill, though there are some sick people out there.
There's lots of black, but it is quite good at describing the action. Still, five pages with maybe a page of dialog. Could be trimmed down to show more white.
And the trunk seemed rather huge, unless Taylor is a very small girl.

Tyrone Banks (Level 3)

It's a lot on the page. Too descriptive. Cut down on the details in some kind of way to make this read a little easier on the reader to follow.

This writer is a naughty guy/girl who's in my opinon done this on a number of occasions. It seems so real. The twist or the reveal was played out pretty well.

Overall peverted but in a good way.

Keep up the good work.

Comments Made After the Contest

Paul Williams (Level 5) ~ 9/3/2009 5:03 PM

Hey Shane, what's up, bro?

If the contest wasn't anonymous and I knew while reading that this was a "Shane Shearer" script, I would've been waiting for the comedic element entering the story at any moment.

Hey, you were pretty good at writing horror/thriller, I thought the build-up was so terrifyingly good. Many others did as well, so I think the two contrasts slamming into one another is what kept this from scoring higher.

Anyway, I'm glad you're a part of this community and I think your forum postings and comments in the reviews are some of the funniest shit around!

Take care, my-man...

Shane Shearer (Level 4) ~ 9/4/2009 2:24 PM

Thanks a lot Paul. I greatly appreciate the feedback. I pride myself in consistently ruining otherwise decent scripts.

I'm just thankful you get it!

Robert L McBride (Level 2) ~ 12/1/2010 3:35 PM

I like this. You have a good thriller/suspense writing style going on. I just wish the end was different