Comments Made During the Contest

Ashley White (Level 3)

Your script was a lot of fun. Who doesn't know that famous number?! I really enjoyed reading your story and though that it was creative and pretty clever. I was a little confused in the beginning though. Obviusly, Ellery and Peg used to play some kind of games, but it is a little vague why this one is "real". I would be interested to know what the other games were.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

This was written and paced pretty well, but I felt like the story was entirely unbelievable and things happened all too conveniently. There were a few spots that didn't make a whole lot of sense like when Jenny pulled in to a dead end alley and let her out. Why would he let her out if she's being chased? And how did he get out of the alley if it was a dead end and they were right behind him? How did Ellery know she'd be able to figure out what p-a-i-d meant or that she'd jump in the safe before she was shot or Jenny blew up the cabin? I don't know... There was a lot of stuff that happened in this script that just didn't seem logical or realistic to me at all. Nice effort.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

a 40 year old version of Nancy Drew - careful with references some of us may not understand.

I do feel that Ellery's VO sections are too long - surely they could be trimmed?

This had a good set-up but then seemed to go nowehere - or, not very far at least. I was left feeling disappointed.

I think it was mainly because I didn't feel as though I got close to Peg and that was important for me to be engaged in the story. I liked the twists and turns with the clues though. Perhaps it tried to cover too much ground in too few pages?

Chris Keaton (Level 5)

The first phone number title and it's a well know number.

I liked this story. It was complete. I think you could do well expanding it, but it works for 5 pages. Great job.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

I loved 80's music and especially "867-5309/Jenny" (in fact, I'm listening to it now as I write this review.

Your craft is good and this was a very fun read. I enjoyed all the twists and turns. But, it felt a bit too complicated (and at times unbelievable) for a 5 page short.

I think if you expand this a bit, it would work much better. As it is now, I don't feel like I really know any of these characters and I really want to.

David Birch (Level 5)

a lot of things going on here...abduction...80's music...decryption...but somehow...it works...quite a bit of v.o. which tends to read a little flat...like the fact that you went for more than a scene and tried to weave a story...thanks...

David D. DeBord (Level 5)

A fun script.

A linear story. Questions start from the beginning and more questions rise as the story goes along. A few things are answered along the way but the tension grows as mort questions appear. Fun characters, interesting little details (severed finger beneath the chair).

I like this. Visually written too. There were pictures in my head as the characters moved about.

Jumping into the safe was a hoot of a solution. Maybe not really realistic but who the heck cares. It works within the context of the script so yeah, it’s realistic.

Thank you, writer, I enjoyed your five pages.

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

Wow. Excitement, adventure, romance, intrigue? Man, this spec has it all. You did a very good job fitting this in 5 pages. Peg is quite the character. I really enjoyed this.

The writing for the most part is pretty good. Watch your sluglines. New York City would be an super, or better yet you could have an establishing shot of the exterior. A director once told me - "I always find that if we start on interiors, it establishes a sense of claustrophobia within the audience, and I don't think that's something we're going for."

Story structure is excellent.

Ominous remote detonator - is there a skull and crossbones on it? One more minor thing, well, I think it would be more believable for the number to be tattooed on Ellery's scalp.

When I first saw the title, I thought it was going to be some schmucky teen love story, or something likewise as bad. Bubble gum music comes to mind. I was pleasantly surprised by this entry. Very Good work all around.

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

The story was well-written. However, I'm not even sure that Ellery is needed. I would try to rewrite it without him.

Herman Chow (Level 5)

There's some good action and comedy there. The early part of the script is filled with suspense, mystery, tension, and conflict. I liked it.

There is something that confused me though. How did Peg know the combination so easily? Is she some kind of cryptologist or something? How did she get 48-35-27, I'm not too sure. Furthermore, are Peg and Jenny planning this all along? Seems like Peg knows exactly what Jenny is going to do at the cabin. There is a lot of off-screen moments that might need some clarifications.

Oh yeah, what's the treasure Peg's brother is talking about? Is there even one? Or just some tricks? There are so many questions at the end that I want some closure to.

But overall, I think it's a VERY GOOD script with solid writing and well-paced action. Well done!

Jacob Guerra (Level 4)

I really liked the use of the Tommy Two Tone song, which was so playing in my head the whole time. This script covered a lot of ground in just five pages, and I did think a whole lot was crammed in and I did get a little lost. I must commend you for doing something tricky, with all the clues and such. That's something that is very hard to do, in my opinion. It didn't always work for me, but overall it did. There were a couple of instances where your action said some things that could not possibly be shown (for example, where you state Peg can trust Jenny.) Some of the dialogue also felt a bit forced to me, especially where the brother was concerned. However, I feel you have something to start with and can expand this a bit more.

Jeannie Sconzo (Level 5)

Creative but far from believable. I know there are a lot of far fetched successful scripts out there, but there has to be characters we're invested in that make us want to believe that the unbelievable is possible.

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

"867-530.. niyeeyiying!

A guy named Jenny?

The safe is big enough for her to enter? You said it was unusual but never large.

"Douche" Ha! But how old was the brother? I guess pretty young to be using that terminology. I don't think men over 30 use that.

Oh, okay, Gianno. :)

Her brother is really messed up to use her as bait. That's not cool, but funny at the same time. But anyway, I loved the story. He knew his sister lived a boring life with no mate, and he set everything up for her. It might of been over the top, but still nice.

I really liked her character too. She was different from the others that I've read.

Great story. I'll give it an excellent!

Jem Rowe (Level 4)

Your impossibly crafty characters reminded me of a brilliant old novel called "The Man Who was Thursday" (read it) in which everyone's far more insightful and intuitive than is believable. Although I admit this isn't realistic, it makes for a fun and gripping read, and I make the comparison in highest compliment.

As much as I loved your script, it would be so much better as a full length feature because it's not possible to make a treasure hunt such as this long enough to be called an adventure (which is what I feel your script is in spirit) with only 5 pages to work with.

Although this isn't technically the "best" script I've read from this competition, it's certainly the most enjoyable. Thanks for the pleasure and excitement of reading it.

Jonah Yarden (Level 4)

I read your script while listening to Tommy Tutone's 867-5309, great accompaniment to the chase scene :P Though I liked the essence of the idea it was way too complex for a short. Its hard to tell a mini movie in 5 minutes without a great amount of abstraction. This story was very literal leaving only the recourse of shortcuts which, I'll be honest, kinda annoyed me by the end. the douche line was particularly irksome...i dunno why. Failing that it had a cool early 90s energy like Short Circuit or Romancing the stone...just goofy fun... so I appreciated that.

Jose Batista (Level 5)

I enjoyed this very much. Action and excitement all throughout. The beginning was so ambiguous as I really didn't know where this was going, but then the phonebooth incident kicked in and awesomeness ensued.

I have to say that the dialogue is the only thing I felt was not on the money here. It wasn't bad, but there were times when it seemed forced. Peg sounded alot like a typical watson character solving clues and what not. Kostya also sounded very typical mob boss-like and that subtracted a bit from the script. The ending was well planned but the final words seemed kind of cheesy. I thought it was cool that his real name was Gianni.

A Very Good Entry. Cheers.

Kenneth Hurd (Level 4)

This was a fun read. I liked the way you threw your character into the action and were able to fit so much into your five page script, without it feeling like there's too much.

The only thing that seemed to throw me off with this script was the character of Peg. I wasn't sure why she was going along with everything so easily. Her brother just died, and she wants to play a game with him? I didn't really buy that. I think something should have happened at the morgue that forced Peg into the action. I also would have liked to have seen Ellery before we see him on the table. As a viewer, I'm not sure the audience would understand that it's Ellery who is dead, until later. Maybe you could have the letter written on the back of a picture of Peg and Ellery?

That said, I enjoyed the script and I think if you clean up a few things, this could make a really excellent short film.

Kevin Carty (Level 4)

This was good I guess but this really is alot of overwritten dialogue. It really took me out of the script and the way the characters are connected just seems ok. Good job keep writing.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

It's a little surreal for me but I like it. It reads fast, well written and comes with a story. It's a romantic comedy, isn't it?
I think you put a lot of thought in your story. The acronym and the numbers.

How she got around numbers I couldn't understand though. Also that bit felt rushed and I know why (or think that I know why:)) - there's not set up to support her nack for acronyms. I'd also like it better if you set up her love and obsession with acronyms and codes. Good story for me, nonetheless.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Good setup. The story has enough clues and intrigue to string the reader, hence the viewer, along.
A conflict with tone, though. The practical joke element, Ellery apparently behaves this way, is a kick. Thought, perhaps, that all these characters would turn out to be friends of Ellery's and this cat-and-mouse with Peg was their way of paying respects -- his dying wish -- to their friend.
Then, "Kostya backhands her (Peg's) face" and Thug #3 "threatens (Peg) with a knife." And, the story turns serious.
Peg is described well. There's a hint of Ellery's personality in the letter he leaves for Peg; but, his head's exposed and there's no physical description, just the "something on Ellery's scalp."
The story is better than the inside joke about Ellery's nickname for Gianni.
Where did the phone number come from, the one that Peg dials from the phone booth (the title)? It wasn't mentioned in Ellery's letter. After the number is mentioned, Peg "finally gets a dial tone," and Jenny's on the line. Wouldn't the dial tone be audible before she dials the number?
Love the acronym for P-A-I-D. It's a funny story again...
Make this escapade about Ellery's warped sense of humor -- that's why Peg bought into it. Drop a one-liner about how Ellery died too.
There is lots of clever material in here that would make a funny movie.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

I like the homage to Ellery Queen. Yes, I got it. :)

I have a ton of respect for anyone who attempts a mystery story in five pages, so I've definitely factored that into my score.

Well, you're probably gonna hear all sides of the VO argument. I'll tell you, though, those two initial VOs are awfully long for nothing interesting happening on screen. The woman's reading a letter and walking down a hallway, while we listen to VO for thirty seconds. That's not really a fascinating visual, even though you'll be able to squeeze in all the opening credits while it's happening. :)

I'm not sure how to handle the description of "a 40 year old Nancy Drew". I know who Nancy Drew is, but do you just mean clothing? Or is she built like a teenager? It's vague.

The opening letter sounds a lot like "P.S. I Love You", the love letter from the grave idea. That was a great movie, by the way. Okay, "great" is a little strong, but I liked it.

I'm wondering A) how Peg got into the apparently empty morgue and B) why she was actually allowed to follow through on an informal request like that.

Ellery is expecting an awful lot from Peg, putting her life in danger like that. I don't think the PAID gag worked, though, because it seemed pointless, other than to slightly distract Douche while Peg gives him a knee. She could've distracted him with anything other than an obtuse acronym, and so Ellery only succeeded in putting her life at more risk while she figured it out. Tricks and games are great, but they have to be deeply meaningful to the plot, I think. Anywhoo, Very Good!

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

When I first looked at this title I was skeptical, but you pulled off a decent story here, and that in itself surprised me. The title works very well.

Love the Nancy Drew comparison and naming her brother Elliot.

Your dialogue is very well done. I love the letter. When she goes into the morgue and sees her brother, you say he's respectively placed on a metal table. Is that what you meant to say?

I enjoyed this immensely. You've got a clever plot that plays out over five pages. It's well-written. The formatting, spelling and punctuation are well done (though I do dislike semicolons in scripts... a lot.) Your characters have individual voices and definite personalities...

Very good work.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

Wow. This was really crammed with confusing clues and anagrams and booby traps...but somehow they figured it all out pretty fast. Too fast. The idea was cool but it was rushed. I felt like everyone was on speed. I think this kind of story, where things are revealed and unfold, needs better pacing.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

Wow, quite an off-kilter script. I don't think five pages really does it justice.

A lot of the ideas in the 'treasure hunt' are very good, but I find it quite hard to buy into any of that "National Treasure shit", as Kostya puts it. Someone setting up a chain-reaction of events before their death is still an interesting idea, despite how often it's used. However, here it seemed more like a distraction to the central action. How he died was never brought into connecting with the main story.

Some of the parts of the story were confusing or weren't given enough explanation, e.g., the explanation of the "PAID" note, how Peg would know what to do without Jenny explaining it to her beforehand. This would be solved with an expansion.

Good.

Melissa Mitchell (Level 4)

Before I even read it, let me say that the title brought a chuckle.

"Respectfully" not "respectively." Otherwise, fabulous. What a great story crammed into 5 pages!

On the reread, I caught the "find somewhere safe to hide." Just well done all around.

Micah Ricke (Level 4)

"she wears a dsimal face"

"Peg stares at Jenny; she can trust him" --telling not showing, then she jumps out and starts running? I thought she trusted him. --just a bit confusing. I had to read it several times.

Overall, I like your writing and the story is entertaining, though totally far-fetched. Still, I liked it.

Good work. I look forward to reading more from you.

Best regards.

Michael Cornetto (Level 5)

I liked that, it was snazzy. I don't really have much to say about it other than it was guite well done. I think I'll give you an excellent.

Paul De Vrijer (Level 5)

Lot's to love here, but unfortunately it's a bit chaotic. You never really establish Jenny as a male, thus some confusion. Also it feels like yu crammed an hour's worth of info into 5 pages. That's really keeping it tight, but it also feels messy. There's plenty of interesting twists, like the shaving and the PAID, but they get muddled by the rush. I love this, but you should work this into a feature, an entire movie dedicated to Ellery's post-hume antics he puts his sister through.

BEST MOMENT: The safe, climbing in it and dodging the explosions. You sure that's original, if so, brilliant.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

This is action packed and a ton of fun, good job with that, but the story might be a little too big for five pages. There is a lot going on here and after two reads, I still don't know if I have all the pieces put together and I have some unanswered plot questions...

How exactly did Ellery die? Did Kostya shoot him?
What exactly is the relationship between Ellery and Jenny (Gianni)? "Business" associates?

I think the audience might need more of a visual cue that the corpse in the morgue is Peg's brother, Ellery- perhaps a name tag. Also, morgues are very secure locations and they don't let anybody, even family members, just walk around, and especially start shaving the deceased's head.

Parts of this felt familiar to "The Game" and those "DaVinci Code" and "National Treasure" type movies, which is even referenced in the story.

Your screenwriting is very good; format overall appears in order; didn't detect any major typos.

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5)

This is a really strong tight mystery story. I like the way you have moved it along very urgently with things following immediately instead of hanging around for an explanation.

I don't know that I quite understood the ending and without a logical flow it seems like a very convoluted method to achieve the end result.

For me I don't know if the telephone number would be the natural title for this story.

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

My favorite title so far. Gotta love the 80's. I was drawn in right away and I loved the opening sequence with the clear bond established. I was jarred on page 2 when the tone changed and we took off on an action ride. You kept a blistering pace and crammed a lot of plot into a short. For me the action got muddy when we hit the cabin and the clues got away from numbers. I cared less when we got the forest and the ending just kind of limped across the finish line. I think this would benefit from a consistent tone throughout. Pick action, or drama or mystery but the changes in tone kept me from enjoying the script from start to finish. You've got a fine presentation and know the craft well -- it's a matter of applying it to the type of story you want to tell. I think you'll do very well in this contest and I'm hopeful to see you near the top.

Rob Dianora (Level 4)

For some reason I thought someone would have this for their title, and here it is. It was good. A little confusing at parts, but a decent effort. I got confused by the guy named Jenny. I don't know why, just was. I like your last line, classic heartwarming moment. Keep up the good work.

Rod Thompson (Level 3)

This wa s afun story. A bit choppy, but good nonetheless. I think if you adapted this into a feature, it would be a very well received. In short, it's hard to pull off the complexity of a scavenger story, but you did well! Me likey!

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

Great idea for a story and pretty well written. But there are some plot holes, and there are a few corny moments that you could eliminate to make this script a little stronger.

First, the plot holes. This story reminds me a little of "The Game", the Michael Douglas movie. In both of them, the protagonist is led around by a bizarre sequence of clues while we (the audience) wait to discover the "plot behind the plot". But in this type of movie, the actual plot has to be woven very tightly for it to work. And all possible outcomes must be accounted for. So, I wondered, what would have happened in your story if Peg had decided not to shave Ellery's head? Or what if she did shave his head and called the number from somewhere other than the phone booth outside 825 West End Avenue? Or what if she got sick of dialing all those area codes and never made the call? Or what if she didn't have the CD with her when they kidnapped her? Or what if she didn't guess the phone number secret ("maybe by adding every two numbers, not counting the zero")? Or what if...whatever? Military planners, when designing a battle plan, always include something called "branches and sequels". Realizing that things never go exactly as planned, at every key point they look at possible alternative outcomes and plan for them. "The Game" was a clever movie because at every key point you could see that most possible outcomes were accounted for. That's missing from your script.

Secondly, the corny things. What is "a 40-year-old version of Nancy Drew"? When Ellery says, "...I always wanted say bequeath...", that's corny. (Why would someone always want to say "bequeath"?) Did the big sister really give her brother a buzz cut every summer? What's the point of the whole Jenny/Gianni thing? It would be one thing if (for some good reason) you wanted us to think it's a woman and later on there's a big reveal, but we find out AS SOON AS HE ANSWERS THE PHONE that it's a man. Why bother? And on and on.

So, anyway, I enjoyed reading it, but I'd recommend tightening up the plot holes, and maybe doing something about the corny stuff.

My score: GOOD.

Thomas W. Brown (Level 4)

Crazy story, very well written. Love the head shaving. Awesome idea for the setup. Loved having the brother's messages sent from beyond the grave. You felt like you really knew him, even though you never see him alive. Not much I can say beyond that. Loved this, hope it does very well. The only excellent I gave this month.

EXCELLENT

Comments Made After the Contest

Thomas W. Brown (Level 4) ~ 12/1/2009 12:28 AM

Wes, this was awesome. I'm disappointed it didn't garner more praise. Cheers!

Michael Cornetto (Level 5) ~ 12/1/2009 1:09 AM

Hey Wes, you did great. This was my only Excellent.

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator) ~ 12/1/2009 1:28 AM

I gave this an excellent too. I really thought this one was going to place. Weird...

Rick Hansberry (Moderator) ~ 12/1/2009 8:45 PM

Wes, you're always a joy to read. Best of luck with this one.

Wes Worthing (Level 5) ~ 12/2/2009 5:24 AM

Thanks for all comments and kudos!!

Micah Ricke (Level 4) ~ 12/2/2009 6:47 PM

Wes,

First I'd like to say that I was very entertained by your screenplay. It's very original and well written.

Now, I'll clarify and revise my comments.

"She wears a dismal face" --I typed that down while I was reading the script. I obviously forgot to come back to it and comment on it. For the life of me I can't remember why or even if I had an issue with it. So please ignore that one.

I can agree that "she can trust him" may not be 'showing' but that sequence still confuses me because the way it's presented, I don't trust Jenny. In fact the first time I read it I thought it was a typo. I thought you meant to say Peg DIDN'T trust him because I thought she was jumping out of the car to escape from Jenny. It took me till the end to realize he was trying to help her and wanted her to get out of the car and get caught.

I read it again today and still have a hard time with it. I think it needs to be clarified. Perhaps if you cut "It's real this time" (I don't think it adds anything here. It would pack more punch during the interrogation when she's being slapped around). Then expand the rest something like this:


JENNY
I have to make it look like I'm trying to save you.

PEG
You mean you're not?!

JENNY
It's part of Ellery's plan.

...Then have him slow the car, open the door, and motion for her to get out. Obviously she's apprehensive...

JENNY
I don't have time to explain!

...Then lead into the "he can trust him" part.

--Now I apologize for the liberties I took here, but (for me at least) it gets rid of the confusion.


I should have spent more time writing about the things I liked about the script rather than what I saw as needing work. I really liked the characters. Even ELLERY stands out despite the fact he's only shown in the film as a corpse. I also liked the finger and punched-out tooth in the dank basement. Those two simple sentences set the mood for the whole scene perfectly. And I think your climax is top-notch and very funny. --There is no U for Ukrainian. It's D for Douche!

There, I hope this helps. I apologize for not being clearer in my original critique.

Micah

Wes Worthing (Level 5) ~ 12/2/2009 8:53 PM

Micah, thanks for the clarity--I feel guilty now taking up your time to clarify your comments--now go write and become famous already :)

Heather O'Connell (Level 4) ~ 11/8/2010 8:25 PM

Really enjoyed this plast from the past. I'm a big mystery fan. I loved that it was so unbelievable. the sleuths always made it seem so easy. I'm a fan of anything 80's. Thanks for the fun read.
:) Heather

Wes Worthing (Level 5) ~ 11/9/2010 6:46 AM

Heather,

I knew I liked Canadians for a reason. Thanks! The unbelievable elements to the story was one of my most critized, but the majority of great films are unbelievable in my opinion. Strangely enough I thought my clues would be too obvious..."dial the number again and find somewhere SAFE to hide" etc. but I was surprised by how many it got by. I've been busy with features and haven't stopped my MP for awhile. Thanks for making my day start off great.

Wes

Heather O'Connell (Level 4) ~ 11/9/2010 6:52 AM

That's awesome. I got the safe right away. But hey, I'm a 40-year-old Nancy Drew!
:)