Comments Made During the Contest

Brian Wind (Level 5)

This was written and paced well. I think there's a very cool story in here. There were a couple points of confusion for me. One was why Tesla had Sava use the machine to kill him. The second was the climax. What's the significance of them only finding 2 prototypes? I assume this is because he was known to have made 3 of them, but 1 blew up in Siberia so there'd only be 2 left which, I guess, is where the confusion comes in. I was under the impression there were only 2 remaining so if they found them both, it sucks the life out of that climax/punchline. Overall, there's a great concept here, but the story needs to be polished a little bit to make it shine.

Calvin Peat (Level 4)

This has an intriguing concept. However, given the high stakes that this concept provides, the fact that the script doesn’t include much action seems a missed opportunity. The stakes are there in the story, but the execution of the script doesn’t engage with them in as exciting a way as it might have done.

It’s not quite clear what Tesla’s motivations are, although perhaps that’s the point.

Everyone will probably comment on this, but why does the first slugline include “THREE DAYS LATER”? Is this just a mistake, or does it mean something, and if so, what?

The opening scene effectively intrigues the reader, but the rest of the script doesn’t fully deliver on the promise this scene shows.

The cliffhanger ending is not bad, although it would have been more exciting if there had been more of a hint of what might have happened to the third prototype.

On page 1, when Smith says “Sorry”, it should probably be followed by a question mark.

On page 2, in the sentence “It is obvious that to Tesla the feeling’s mutual.”, the phrase “to Tesla” seems redundant. Perhaps it should be “It is obvious to Tesla that the feeling’s mutual.”, although it’s not clear if this was the writer’s intent.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

3 without the ellipsis!

INT. APARTMENT - THREE DAYS LATER - NIGHT - some sorta joke? How the heck can we know?

G-MEN? What are they?

Whirs - whirrs

My favourite part of this was the Millicent/Sava scene which gave it a touch of humanity. I found the beginning and the end worked well but the middle was a huge chunk of exposition between White and Smith.

The VERY end left me bemused even after reading it three times.

Chris Keaton (Level 5)

Ah, the first of what may be many scripts with the title of '3'.

Huh? Three days later? We just started? What the hell?
Is the character just named Tesla or is this the (actual) Tesla?
'Is it locked?' Is that dialog? Because it doesn't sound like action.
How can we see it's the next day or is that 2 days back?
You are telling alot. You go from one location telling us something to another location telling us more stuff. Show us.
When we see Tesla again what day are we it? This is only five pages why confuse your audience.
'White looks Haunted' What does that look like?
You've got to show more. I think you overreached with this.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

I love Tesla, a mystery, and time travel (plus 3 is my favorite number); so, I was a sucker for this story. :)

Great images and I love the ending. However, it is a bit of a confusing/muddled read and I had to read it twice to feel like I followed it all.

I think with a small rewrite this could be excellent.

David Birch (Level 5)

i'm really not sure why this story couldn't be told in a linear fashion...i don't think the flashback/forward really added to the drama...you indicate a FLASHBACK on pg. 3 and never "returns to scene"...in other words, the way it's written, the script ends in a flashback...that's the trap one fall into when you break from a linear script...

David D. DeBord (Level 5)

This one is tougher to judge than some of the others. A lot to like here though some of the sequencing just didn’t jive for me. Particularly starting with Three Days Later. I wasn’t quite sure what to do with that information.

I think much of this works. There are a few transitional bits of dialog I thought could be dropped like the “impenetrable … but how?” line. Take that out and move to the next line of dialog to up the tension and speed the read.

This has a lot of potential.

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

All the flashbacks made this a little hard to read for me. He's dead at the beginning? Tesla? Then they break in again after they've already been in there. I'm a fan of Tesla, and his inventions. You have done your research with the pigeon obsession, and the fact he had others. Quite a strange man.

The dialogue was very, very, exposition heavy.

Like I said, I enjoy things Tesla, so I'm going to come back for a reread later. I want to give this at least a good.

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

I had to look up the definition of "trident". If it's not pertinent to the story, you might consider a different word.

There are many slug-lines that are missing DAY or NIGHT. This distracts me from the story.

Herman Chow (Level 5)

I think this is a very creative story you've gotten there, it's just with all the flashbacks that bog down the reading. Maybe your sluglines can be more clear as in which scenes are set in the present and which are set in the past. I assume the scene at the Apartment is a flashback, although you didn't signify that it is.

Now the story, everything is fine and entertaining, up until the last two scenes where I got confused. I still didn't get what the machine does. And how come they found two prototypes at the end? I read it twice and I still didn't get it. Maybe it's just me.

Anyway, I am giving you a Good, although very close to a Very Good if not for the last scene that I didn't get. Well done!

Jacob Guerra (Level 4)

I think the character and set up were quite interesting, though the story really didn't capture me until the very end. There were a couple of instances where the descriptions told rather than showed, putting us in the characters head, although there wouldn't be a way to actually know that unless they said it or some action revealed it. Other than that, the ending was very good, and left the dark tone that was set throughout the piece.

Jeannie Sconzo (Level 5)

Early on it states, "He turns... ... three hundred sixty degrees." Why is it worded like that? Why is this particular statement broken up by an elipsis? Other than that oddity, I thought the story was good.

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

This story started off okay, then it became interesting, and at last, confusing.

So who was Sava? You just thew a character in at the end, and I didn't understand his role. At first I thought he was Tesla, present day, but then I scrolled back up and Tesla's name was Nickola. I think it should of been Tesla, but maybe that's because I don't get the story.

"is it really locked?" You shouldn't ask a question in your action.

Other than that the story was well written. I wish I could rate it but I honestly do not understand what happened.

Jeffrey Slocum (Level 4)

Not my style of a theme, but I thought it was written very well. Thought there was a lot covered in a small amount of space. Liked the ending. Good twist

Jem Rowe (Level 4)

Haha, good to see someone else caught by the Tesla bug, I too have been fascinated with the man for quite some time, this is perhaps the reason I wished your script had focused more on the man himself and not the agents. The parts featuring Tesla held my interest well, especially the begining with the lock (brilliant), but the agents seemed to be there simply to fill in facts for the viewer.

Tweaks needed:

-"A noise off screen", this line drove me nuts, you need to clarify what the noise is, or at least what it sounds like otherwise there's really no point in the line.

-You need to find a character name that's not "Agent Smith", that's been taken by the Matrix, it wouldn't matter if the Agent Smith character from the Matrix wasn't so iconic.

I enjoyed your script, well done.

Jose Batista (Level 5)

This was a very Good script. Visually, it felt like a classic sci-fi actioner. The whole thing moved at a good pace with Tesla's interludes giving a stylistic pause. The character's dialogues were well crafted, especially Tesla's voice. My only suggestion would be the ending. I feel the content and direction are good, but it should have been done differently, in person instead of on the phone, with a more poignant reaction. Other than that you did a great job with this script. Cheers.

Kenneth Hurd (Level 4)

I liked how you narrated the story by mixing the flashback with the present tense. However, I found parts of this script confusing. Early in the script, you make reference to a noise off screen. I'm assuming that this is significant to the story, but I'm confused as to what the noise is. If this is important to your story, telling us what the noise is would help for better understanding.

I was also a bit confused with the ending. What happened to Sava and the machine? When Smith says that the prototypes have been found, I'm assuming one is the machine, but what about Sava? Was Sava found too?

I think the script flows well and you definitely know what you're doing. I just think that you have some bigger ideas that aren't coming across on the page.

Kevin Carty (Level 4)

I liked this because you kept the intrigue throughout. However I felt the story could have been told linearly. This is a pretty cool script but the flashbacks prevent me from giving this an excellent. I like the dialogue because it sounds like people talking and not like alot of the small talk I see in dialogue and it's lean.

I would give the an excellent but I think you need to cut out the flashbacks.

Very good.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

It's an interesting entry. Character driven story - I really like that. Overall I liked your story but couldn't understand parts of it. Namely why Tesla had to die? They cheered when the found the prototypes, so Tesla's work was missed - why to die then... I'm hoping I haven't misunderstood the story. It's a clever one but with multiple flashbacks and all a bit (just a tad) complicated. Reminds me of my entries - I cram and overcomplicate and that doesn't end good. Good luck to you this month. I think you've got a good entry here.

Goes around three times, kisses the bird on the beak three times, tried to build the machine three times - and still not good enough of support for your title, I think.

Good job.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Intriguing setup. The story moves quickly and there's tension.
Tesla is a fascinating character. His name, description at 86, and the obsessive-compulsive check and recheck of the lock is compelling. Didn't understand the relevance of exactly "thirty-six degrees" (divisible by three?).
The dialogue is very good. Lots of talking, but seems every line adds information. Particularly like Smith's question, "And the Russians," which is answered by Tesla via the flashback, "We are still in talks, etc." Also, White's line, "Not nearly as odd as the meeting," which helps set up one of the flashbacks.
After the missing FADE IN:, probably not a good idea to introduce "THREE DAYS LATER" in the heading. NIGHT would work, as would DAY for the next heading. "Trident" is not a common word; might include a description with the trident's first mention.
Good subtle punch at the end with Smith's, "Both of them" and White's haunted look.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

I'm sure you'll hear this: but your opening slugline says "THREE DAYS LATER". Watch your editing carefully.

Overall, your sluglines are a little long. You don't have to say "THE NEXT DAY", you can just say "DAY" and we'll figure it out through the action lines. Trimmer is better. But then the sluglines at the bottom of page 2 and page 3 are too trim: you still need to add a "- DAY" to those, and maybe a "BACK TO SCENE" or "(END FLASHBACK)".

"envelops", not "envelopes". This appears to be a common mistake.

Very cool ending, since you've set up the number 3 so effectively. But I didn't enjoy the fact that all the exposition in this story (and there was a lot of it) was all through dialogue from people standing around chatting. You added flashbacks, which gave a bit of variety to the piece, but, really, until page 5 rolls around, only the opening scene had anything akin to visual interest.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

I like the premise. OCD as a major factor in a sort of thriller. I like bringing in the whole Tunguska event, too. Studied psych and planetary science.I'm a sucker for both.

Your first scene heading says "THREE DAYS LATER." Huh? It's like coming into a movie after it's already started. The first read through, I went back and checked. That was yesterday. I just did it again today. Could just be me, though. See what others say.

"A noise off screen" threw me off. Write the noise. A THUMP or FOOTSTEPS. You want the reader moving with you through this, not making their own way.

Actually, your scene headings do need work. Keep them simple and consistent, and follow format.

The flashbacks got confusing, but I think that comes down to using different scene headings for continuous scenes. The scenes with Tesla in his bedroom should all have the same scene heading.

I really do like this premise, and I'd love to see a rewrite.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

Three-sixty degrees??? How am I supposed to picture that? And what the heck is a trident? I thought it was like a pitchfork but I guess not.

I think this was vague. The whole thing. It had an interesting vibe and Tesla is an intriguing character but I just felt like it was too fuzzy.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

I really like how you used Nikola Tesla here. As a historic character he's very under-used and under-appreciated.

I recommend avoiding calling one of the G-Men Agent Smith, as that title/name combination has already been used in the Matrix movies.

I like how you jump around in time. It builds the mystery very well.

The flashback scene with the bureaucrats played funny unintentionally. Some of the lines of dialogue don't sit quite right with the seriousness of the scene and subject matter - "You disgust me, sir!". Neither does the numbered group of sceptical bureaucrats.

Good.

Micah Ricke (Level 4)

There are several issues with format that should be pointed out, and I'm sure I won't be the only one to do so.

"He checks the lock on the door. Satisfied, he turns... ...three-sixty degrees to check the lock. He nods. Is it really locked? One more check and yes, it's locked." --Too much repetition, and quite confusing. Simply state: "He checks the door three times, to ensure it's locked." --far more effective.

You describe the engineering diagram and machines pretty much the exact same way several times: "...an engineering diagram of something that looks like a trident." You've already introduced it as "something that looks like a trident", if you repeat it the reader will presume that you think he or she is stupid. We get it, it looks like a trident. Once you've introduced it, refer to it in simpler terms --"the diagrams" or something along those lines.

I think the bit with the pigeon is silly and detracts from the rest of the script.

The ending is confusing. The dramatic beat at the end does nothing for me, I don't know what it means.

Overall your format and style are pretty good, but you should go through it again and trim the fat. Then use the gained space to elaborate the ending and give it more punch.

Best regards.

Paul De Vrijer (Level 5)

Liked the detail in this one. I feel that using Tesla and the Russian incident is a little too conspiracy and has been done in the past, but still it was nice that you presented it here. It didn't make for a truly overwhelming experience though, but the pigeons and his 'Sava' were nice touches. I ussually really like Sci-Fi stories and with this requirement it was expected. I liked the haunting detail at the end, but I feel it could have been a bit more. Something more haunting then just a phone conversation. SHOW us something. I think that would be far more visual.

BEST MOMENT: The ending of course, I like the strong realization behind it.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

Three days later from what? I wouldn't open a script with that in the first scene-heading. First impressions.

Tesla is a fascinating figure in history, which is why numerous films and books have portrayed him.

I think you were trying to spice up this historical story by structuring it the way you did, with the flashbacks and nonlinear plot-line, which I always appreciate, but I don't know how effective it was and perhaps created too much of a distraction from the story.

I've written this a lot this month, but this story seems too big for a five-page script. Perhaps an expansion of it can give it the recognition it deserves.

When you cram a feature-length's worth of material into five pages, you have to rely on dialogue to fill in back-story and expose plot details, which unfortunately, becomes too expositional and on-the-nose.

Your screenwriting is very good; format overall appears in order; only detected a few minor typos.

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5)

I like the idea here and I like the intrigue and threat described. On the other hand I didn't really understand what actually happens. I wonder if maybe the cutting back and forwards in time makes it harder to follow.

"INT. APARTMENT - THREE DAYS LATER - NIGHT" - I'm not sure I understand what the THREE DAYS LATER in this means.

"AGENT SMITH" - This name is closely associated with The Matrix character.

Pg 3 "INT. MEETING ROOM - FLASHBACK" - For me this very short flashback is a bit disorienting because it doesn't seem to be something that we have to hear Tesla say.

"There was that incident at Tunguska, Sibera." - I like the idea of bringing in this known incident, however I'm not sure I see how a death ray beam of the kind described would translate to a huge explosion.

"Both of them." - In a script called "3" I think I expect this to say "Three of them."

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

Parts of this were captivating to me. It seems like an excerpt from a larger piece. The script started slow for me. Having 'Three Days Earlier' in the opening logline threw me but I went with it knowing the title. The 'Is it locked' in the opener though was a bit much. Then, there's a noise but we're not given any insight as to what type of noise. The set up in place, we meet Smith and White and unfortunately their characters were as bland as their names. The dialogue was short enough but clearly just gave us what we needed to know. I think the scene with Millicent and Sava was underwritten. There's no description of Sava and I wished you would have allowed for us to SEE Tesla's love for Millicent rather than having him say it aloud. The ending punch line completed the story and it clearly fit the criteria for the contest but I felt that the script was undercooked. I wanted more of this compelling character and his dream and less of the stiff Agents. This is a piece where the character will endure beyond the story itself. Best of luck with it.

Rob Dianora (Level 4)

I liked it. It was interesting and I even did some research on Tesla after reading this and I think you captured the character really well. Couple things to improve in the script... first you don't have to ask questions in the descriptions, it's just not needed... secondly I got lost a few times by the lack of time descriptions, it starts at three days later, which threw me off a bit. I'd just clarify some of those things. I liked the story though, so good job.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

I thought this was a well written story. However it didn't really hold my interest. I think that it's because it's not my genre of movie. I am a sucker for a story with a little more heart in it. I think you might have introduced SAVA and let us know what he looked like. I like to visualize a character when I'm reading a story.

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

This is great -- a dramatization of the last days of Tesla, along with some of the facts, conspiracy theories, and legends surrounding him. It's very interesting stuff, especially considering that a lot of it (and possibly ALL of it) is true, but as a story it's kind of flat through the first four pages. It's very talky. Then, just as it's getting weird and REALLY interesting, it also gets confusing, and...what the heck happened at the end? Did he propel himself into the future? But his body's still there. (Did the machine suck out his soul?) I get the implication at the end (hence, your title), when Smith says, "Both of them." There's a third one out there somewhere. But a third what? Particle beam? Or the machine that Tesla just zapped himself with? I was kinda confused.

A few small screenwriting comments. 1. Your very first slugline says THREE DAYS LATER. Three days later than what? We just got started. 2. Tesla died in 1943, so this is a period piece. It would be helpful to us (the readers and movie audience) to know we're in 1943. You could put it in the slugline, or a SUPER, or possibly an establishing shot showing location (he died in New York City) and time period. 3. When we move from THREE DAYS LATER to THE NEXT DAY, how does the movie viewer know? If it's important, you have to write it. The same is true throughout your script as we move back and forth through a few days time. 4. You didn't properly introduce Sava. We know (from his dialogue) that he's Tesla's nephew, but how old? 12? 60? That's all we need -- a number. 5. Here's something you did twice in the script...on Page 1, "A noise off screen." And Page 5, "A noise catches the G-man's attention." What kind of noises are these? A bang? A click? A creaky floorboard? Tell us.

Okay, that's a lot of nit-picky stuff, I know. Overall, though, I enjoyed your screenplay quite a bit. Tesla was an interesting character. (Did you see "The Prestige"? David Bowie -- who woulda thunk?)

My score: GOOD.

Thomas W. Brown (Level 4)

Strange story, almost as strange as the man himself. I have to say that I'm a big fan of Tesla, although many of his invention and ideas have passed the realm of reality and into sci-fi. As for your story, I think the premise is interesting, but the execution seems a little off. The overall meaning it eludes me I'm sorry to say. Some of your conversations feel a little off. For example:

WHITE
Not nearly as odd as the meeting.

Seems like a weak way to introduce a flashback, at least to me. Also, your slug lines are a little off. Your first one reads INT. APARTMENT - THREE DAYS LATER - NIGHT. I don't get it, nothing has happened yet. Then the next one reads THE NEXT DAY. So now we're going forward in time. Just struck me as strange. Overall, I feel this needs a little work, but a re-write or two and you'll be in business (with Thomas Edison).

FAIR

Wes Worthing (Level 5)

I'm really, really digging this story. It makes me want to re-learn about Tesla to see just how accurate the story is about his life. Was he really so compulsive? Very interesting story, not one you see every day. I enjoy very much how you stepped away from the traditional linear storytelling for this piece, it enhanced it greatly. Nice variety of settings as well. You may have a contender.

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus)

Enjoyable script -- quick read, interesting and layered mystery. Well done. I'm a sucker for using real people to create concepts and events such as the one you put forth.

Comments Made After the Contest

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 12/1/2009 12:21 AM

I love Tesla and I thought this script was fascinating. Well done.

Michael Cornetto (Level 5) ~ 12/1/2009 12:46 AM

First off...sorry a lot of people didn't get this and I think I understand why and that was because of the Tunguska incident - some people counted that as a prototype. There were only two prototypes found "Both of them" indicating that one is missing. This is a problem for obvious reasons.

A number of people got confused by three-sixty degrees on the first page - I'm not sure why that is, it's a circle.

I had to establish the present as one of the time lines. THREE DAYS LATER is just an indication for understanding that this is a different timeline while reading. It isn't necessary for it to be known that's it's three days later on film - I think the different times would be obvious on film just because of where they are set. Though I do establish the general time frame of that apartment scene in a later scene by the general. Should I expect you to follow that? Maybe not.

Telsa was a mad inventor and he had many weird machines. The death ray and the machine he used are described entirely different - they are two different machines. One has a trident one has three spheres. Once again should I expect you to follow that? Maybe not.

Most of this was based on research about Tesla. If you look into it you will discover that a lot of the information presented in this script is actually true. Should I expect you to look into it? No.

For example, those were Tesla's actual last words. I put a spin on them to imply that he was transported by the machine into the future - perhaps to use his third Death Ray. Or he could have done it just to kill himself. I didn't make it clear because the man is a mystery and I wanted to leave his ending mysterious.

What else? Ah, Sava. Sava is Telsa's nephew. I couldn't find much of a description of him so I didn't put any in there.

Agent Smith, regardless of whether it's iconic because of the Matrix or not - it's a good generic name for an agent and it suited my purpose well enough. You understood who he was.

Anyway, thanks for reading and commenting. I will probably rewrite to clear up the Tunguska thing. I don't think this story should be told in a linear fashion, so, if you can't deal with flash-backs and flash-forwards then you still aren't going to enjoy it.

Michael