Comments Made During the Contest

Ammar Salmi (Level 5)

One thing to say about this story, incomplete beauty. I love the way the story took the turn at the heart scene, but by the end it felt incomplete. The worst thing that can be done to a good plot and concept is giving unsatisfying ending. Give it a better ending and I'll give the first place myself.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

INT. UPSCALE APARTMENT - AFTERNOON
Boxes rest in a pile on the floor (of the spacious apartment.) - you've already told us it was in an apartment which was upscale so why put 'of the spacious apartment'?

I enjoyed this. although some of the dialogue was pretty trite. Visually it would be great. It was interesting and different.

BUT - the ending fizzled out. Wasn't credible. Cheddar seemed totally unphased that his best friend had just had his heart ripped out. Did you run out of space? It left the resolution dangling in the air - the consequence for Cheddar, the response of the woman, the next thing that happened with the sinister man, the baby...

Perhaps a longer version?

Chris Keaton (Level 5)

Horror. Comedy. Not sure? When you write a genre/theme you need to make sure all the writing fits into it. A lot of this read as a comedy and then we get some deep shit. The ending reminded me of 'Constatine', but this sinister guy said he'd be back for the cheese man's soul, so different. It just went to fast to get into it.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

Your craft is great. This was a real page-turner.

But in the end, I'm left with so many questions. This feels like it was ripped out of the middle of a larger script. I know backstory can be boring, but there is no backstory here at all. We have no idea who anyone is, why they have done what they have done, or why they react the way they do now.

I think if you expand this, it could be wonderful, but with it this short and tight, it isn't entirely satisfying - even if it is exciting.

Dan Delgado (Level 5)

Congratulations, this is one of the few genuine stories I've read in these contests, and it written in less than five pages! Not a fragment or a scene, but an actual full-blown, complete story. And a good one. You can't beat someone who's willing to give his soul to save a stranger.

Unfortunately it wasn't fun to read. It moves like the characters are puppets on a string.

"Sinister Man claws his left hand..."
"Sinister Man rips out his..."
"Sinister Man looks at..."
"Sinister Man reaches the..."
"Sinister Man enters, surveys...", etc.

Try to break it up a little, and personally, I would have given the "Sinister Man" a shorter name and found a way to use pronouns.

Some of the dialogue didn't ring true to me. "Sinister Man" is (well) satanic, and at one point he seems empathetic to the woman, which didn't seem to fit:

"SINISTER MAN
I know it's hard, but a deal's a
deal. I gave you wealth and fame
and now you will give me-"

Nah, he doesn't care if it's hard on her, he just wants the baby. (I mean he already ripped a guy's heart out for slugging him -- how empathetic can he really be?)

One more thing and this is in the nit-pick category. The first scene and the last scene were at the same location -- they should have the same name in the slugline.

But story beats execution so I gave your story a "Very Good".

Thank you.

Dan Lennox (Level 5)

This story was okay for me. I did like the pacing throughout, the story moved along well, however, I just didn't find myself connecting with the characters or rooting for anyone.

Some of the dialogue seemed a bit on the nose in places. On page one when the WOMAN screams, "No! NO!" didn't feel right. Furthermore, I think the dialogue does more of the telling than the showing, especially as we get to the last page.

It would have been nice to get just a little more visual and info on SINISTER MAN. Why not give this guy a name. SINISTER MAN seems a little boring.

Overall, I didn't think this was bad, I just think it needs a bit more character and dialogue development IMHO.

David Birch (Level 5)

you crafted the scene well...but it really wasn't more than just a well-crafted scene...what were the motivations?...why did she want fame so much that she would barter her first born?...and why was the payment being made right then?...then i had a question about the door...which door?...the bathroom door?...the bedroom door?...the front door?...most studios only have a front door or a bathroom door...but they were in the hallway...some of the dialog was simplistic...i.e. "rock, come on. we'll call the cops."...maybe just "call the cops!"...things like that will give your dialog a sense of reality and urgency...much better on a tighter re-write...thanks

Dusty Fincher (Level 3)

Ah, the ol' deal with the Devil routine. Kinda get the feeling a little bit of "been there, done that" with the idea behind the story. I do like how it starts out as a "trying to rescue helpless woman from attacker" and then you hit us with the reveal with the Sinister Man and his heart ripping antics, which was a nice touch. I like the idea of how you ended the script, with Cheddar giving the ultimate sacrifce, but I just don't know that I know Cheddar enough to actually buy it. I guess that's the challenge of a five page script, giving us enough character to where we believe in the choices they make.

Technically, it reads fine. Nothing glaring jumps out at me. Looks good.

It was an entertaining enough read and I like the twists, I just don't know if I can fully buy into it.

DW Pollard (Level 4)

Very good story. I liked the fast pace and you kept the tension going throughout.

I would have liked to see a little more of an ending in regards to the Woman's reaction to Cheddar's good deed. And maybe a little more room for bartering between Sinister Man and Cheddar - it was almost too easy of a deal; I just think there could have been a little more tension involved...maybe Woman says, "No, don't do it!" to Cheddar's offer, but then reconsiders her words when Sinister Man moves to take the baby...or something along those lines - it was a little too cut and dried.

Would be fun to watch.

The line "carrying two more large boxes" - should just be "carrying two large boxes"; audience members would infer they were more boxes when they see all the others in the room. (Not a big deal, but anything we can cut out makes reading smoother and faster.)

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

I always like a good story of a deal with the devil. But, this was a hard read due to the telegram-like descriptions where you tell the actor - turn here, stop, look there. It was a little rough to read for me.

The story itself could use more fleshing out, or something to make it less mundane. The deal with the devil story really needs a good twist to stand out. There was some well placed violence.

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

You have chosen very distinct names for Cheddar and Rock.

Very first sentence: "Boxes rest in a pile on the floor of the spacious apartment." Since the slug-line tells us we are in an apartment, we don't have to use that word again. Consider something like: "Boxes piled in center of spacious room."

"Rock pushes past Cheddar, charges in to the hallway." The two words, 'in to' should be into. This is throughout the screenplay.

"Sinister Man rips out his heart, drops it to the floor." Be careful with pronouns. I know you mean that the man is ripping out Rock's heart but, at first, I envisioned the sinister man ripping out his own heart. Consider instead: "Sinister Man rips out Rock's heart, drops it to the floor."

Herman Chow (Level 5)

Whaaaaat? I really didn't get it. The setup is severely lacking. It feels like I was put right in the middle of the action without knowing what was going on. The story then just repeats itself and trudges along inside the apartment, but without too much new information given to us. Then the ending just comes out of nowhere, making it unsatisfactory.

I suggest having a scene in the beginning where Rock and Cheddar met the Woman and her baby in the hallway, and then the guys put the boxes into the apartment. I need more explanation of Cheddar's action and behavior. How come he didn't seem to be shocked by the presence of the Sinister Man? Why would he sacrify his soul for the baby? And then what happened at the end? How come the Sinister Man left so easily?

The story needs to be fleshed out and more pages are needed. FAIR.

James Hughes (Level 5)

This moved fast and was entertaining. The 5 pages suited it well since we can know only as much as Cheddar knows - nothing except for the immediate action. This is a thought I will take away from this script for future reference. The 5 page scripts that deal with situations that point to a lot of backstory usually leave me wanting more. Either the 5 pages better be very good in order to give us enough of the backstory or it is better to focus on a story that takes place in the now like this one does.

I think the last lines by the sinister man were written well. He does refer to the woman and Cheddar both as fools within the last few lines, but I would keep the last one, maybe you could have him say something a little bit different about the woman. He also uses fool a couple of more times during the script.
If Cheddar is a slacker, how would he be moving into an upscale apartment. Maybe he should be a sucessful something which would make his deal with the devil even more selfless at the end since he didn't need it for his own advancement.

Jeannie Sconzo (Level 5)

Very good!
Not entirely original, but it has a nice new twist in it.

I've been told on MP before that all characters should have names and not be MAN or WOMAN. I guess here though that you don't want to give Satan away before the audience has a chance to figure it out for themselves. So I guess continuing to call him SINISTER MAN may be acceptable. I'm curious to see what the others have to say about that. What about the woman though? If we name her, it may bring more attention to the fact that he isn't named. Hmmmm? Perhaps if we call her MOTHER instead of WOMAN. I think that word evokes a bit more.

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

I thought you said it was an upscale apartment. Why would the man be draped in shadows? The hallways would most likely be brightly lit. And then it turned into a studio apartment. I can't picture a luxurious studio apartment. Maybe you meant a loft?

When you had the sinister man step out the shadows you forgot to describe him.

The sinister guy's dialogue and the main character's were exactly the same. Why did he seem hip? I thought that you could have made them different.

The ending was so random. The boy giving up his soul and then the sinister man disappearing... What did it mean?

Jeffrey Slocum (Level 4)

I thought this started off with a bang, jumping right into a modern day scene mixed with a textbook of evil against damsel in distress. Thought this could have been very good, even excellent, but thought the ending came too quick.

Joel Davis (Level 5)

SUMMARY: Roomates in a new apartment come between a woman and a Sinister Man (presumably the devil) who wants to take her baby. One roommate is killed, but the other negotiates, and selflessly offers his soul in place of the child's.

This felt like there was too much going on, and as a consequence, the characters spent a lot of time explaining things to each other. While Cheddar's act was commendable, it was hard to tell what motivated him to do that. I'd like to see more focus on character, more about who this woman was and why Cheddar would step in for her.

Jose Batista (Level 5)

Okay... so what happens next?

This was a set up for something bigger and longer, for there is no way a respectable story would end this way. I would have given this an excellent depending on how it ended, but it didn't end. It just sort of stopped in mid-story.

Good writing and pacing. From moving in, to fighting for dear life, this was a Good ride. However, I feel that Rock's death and the boxes being telekinetically moved by the Sinister Man takes away from the sense of realism that you created. Also, 'Sinister Man' doesn't cut it. It would have been nice to see an actual name that means Sinister Man.

Karen Carson (Level 1)

Good action, good plot. Dialog is a bit weak. I felt that Sinister Man was more like The Terminator. Well, maybe this was what the writer had intended. But he did seem more robot-like than devilish, I thought. O.k., so the guys were moving in, I think. It never explains why they are really there, so at first I thought they were delivery guys. An upscale apartment makes sense for the "rich and famous" woman, also never really elaborated on, but not for the guys moving in(?) Lots not explained. But, again, good action script in little time.

Kenneth Goorabian (Level 2)

No true originality to the story line, but pretty well written. Sinister man's dialog seems a bit generic and we really know nothing about him. The most truely evil characters usually have something disarming about them, clever, witty, beautiful etc...you get the idea, which makes the evil part of them seem so much worse. Maybe this screenplay was written for a specific contest about a specific prompt? Don't know.

Why would Cheddar offer his soul for a stranger? What in his background would lead him to do this? And why did Rock go to the woman's defense. I know it's a very short screenplay but us readers want to root for the good guys and it's easier if we feel like we know them just a little.

And what's the woman's story? Famous? Rich? And what is a slacker and an Asian Adonis doing in a luxury apartment? Is one of them rich? You could answer most of these questions with minimal diolog added.

Last, is the ending? Cheddar offers his soul in exchange for the baby. Noble gesture, yes, but what happen's next? You can't leave us hanging, unless this is to be continued, in which case I'm sure you would have mentioned it.

Good effort nevertheless, and in the words of Sinister man "Your heart is pure." Keep on writing.

Kevin Carty (Level 4)

Ok, so a SINISTER MAN, man this story was a bit disappointing. Alot of talk about soul this and soul that. Why didn't sinister man just take their souls. Man, I don't even know where Rock disappeared. All this talk about nothing. Sinister man doesn't sound like he's sinister. He just sounds weird, not in an evil sense just plain. All of the characters are like that. Sort of like reaper on CW. I just felt like there was nothing else except the idea. Also there is alot of talk and no real visual stuff until the end. Man this is too much like reaper even to the characters in the beginning. Please name your characters please name your characters. Sinister man, Woman, Rock all too confusing. Decide who your main character is. If one of your characters has ALOT to say or do in the script then give them a name and a description as well as a unique voice. Make sure your story is about something and has a clear message also give your characters time to develop.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

"but yours is a soul I may no otherwise claim" - did he take the soul or he didn't?
It's a good story. Pacing was a little off for me, he ripped the heart way too quickly.
I also wish I got a little more of a story, who the sinister man was, why he needs souls and a baby. All these details you may deem irrelevant but they really make up a story and make us root for the characters. Otherwise what is his motivation?

Good job. I liked it, I just want more.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Character names are unique and able to tell everyone apart. Good setup. Surprised by the sudden turn as Rock defends the Woman in distress and her baby and gets his heart ripped out in the hallway. It was unexpected.
Found the ending a bit confusing. Cheddar is described as a "slacker"; yet, he volunteers to give up his soul to Sinister Man for the baby. Sinister Man has some terrific dialogue about Cheddar's "pure heart," Cheddar's soul being one Sinister Man "may not otherwise claim,' and then Sinister Man vanishes in a puff of smoke. Seems odd that the bad guy is willing to converse with Cheddar and make a deal when moments earlier he gouges Rock's heart out of his chest after one word, "Fool."
The writing's concise and easy to read though.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

I felt that the dialogue needed some rewriting to be truly original. A lot of the comments and retorts felt used, overdone from other productions. A good example is: "This does not concern you. Don't do anything foolish and you will live to see tomorrow." First off, it's hard to imagine anyone actually saying this, but, second, it just doesn't sound new and fresh to me. The dialogue is a bit like reading pulp mystery novels from the '40s and '50s. It'll only take a little dedication and time, and the dialogue here could be a real attraction for actors.

This might be a snippet of a longer piece. Just when I'm wondering what the ramifications of this deal will be, just when the piece really starts to get juicy, just when the moral question can start to be considered, poof, the film ends. It feels like a prologue.

Luke Sharratt (Level 2)

I like the way you set the scene at the beginning, but the action comes too quickly- you should have established the relationship between Cheddar and Rock with some more banter, and perhaps have introduced the woman screaming on the second page. I also had a problem with some of your dialogue, which comes off as forced and predictable. Other issues- Why does Cheddar not react when his friend is killed, and why is he so quick to protect the woman and her baby? The script lacks any sense of subtlety or realism.
Ultimately I feel like I've seen it all before, especially the 'twist' at the end- man sacrifices himself to save the life of someone innocent. Bleh.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

This seems pulled out of the blue.

You seem to be going for a horror/comedy hybrid, but I think you need more than five pages to do the story justice. I never really felt either genre. I definitely felt the potential, though. If you do a longer rewrite, let me know.

I prefer to have main characters with names. I've always felt that a name fleshes a person out. It's like a continuation of the creation. Just a thought.

Technically, this is good. Look up "into" and use it in the appropriate places.

I'd just like to see more depth here.

Good work.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

Yikes. This was weird. It wasn't really a story. It felt more like a cartoon. There was no plot, we never knew anything about the characters...it just didn't make much sense storywise.

And I don't know what kind of wealth and fame this woman was supposed to get from the "Sinister Man" but I'd lodge a complaint if I were her, since she's living in an apartment. Seems like she got ripped off.

Next time I'd work on creating something we can really get into. Create an interesting story with a beginning, middle and end and give us some characters with depth. Just keep writing!!

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

The Faustian bargain is a good basis for an interesting story, but this needs some more work.

The opening played as comedy which makes the story feel out of balance. Character names like Cheddar and Rock, and descriptions like "hip Asian Adonis" indicate the genre, not just the dialogue.

Cheddar doesn't sound too shocked when his friend's heart is ripped out of him in front of him.

The deal at the end where Cheddar offers his soul didn't feel real, mostly it was because we didn't really get to know his character and so there was no justification for the actions he takes.

Matthew Fettig (Level 5)

I thought this was an ok attempt at a Faustian deal. It could have used a better set-up for the woman - a silk bathrobe in an upscale apartment doesn't convey that she has reached some elevated position in life. Maybe Cheddar & Rock could have talked about the movie stars (or some other wealthy type) who live in the building. But then what got them a place in the building?

I didn't find the "new deal" believable in the story. The devil has the woman's soul and is collecting the baby, and trades that for Cheddar's soul? Too simplistic, and we're left without any effect on Cheddar.

Has potential but I think it needs work.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

oooh talk about a cliff-hanger ending - what happens next? This would be an awesome opening to a feature script, talk about right into the heart of the action.

As it is it leaves me wanting more and not feeling at all satisfied, not good for a short which should be a complete story.

Your craft is good, you hooked me right in and the pacing and action kept me reading fast but I did feel very let down by the end.

There are also some jerky moments in your action passages:

'Sinister Man approaches. Woman SCREAMS. Newborn CRIES.
Sinister Man extends arms. Woman cradles Newborn tight'

This felt very stilted and jarred which stood out from the rest which flowed more easily.

A great opening for a feature but as a stand alone short, not so strong as the characters don't have depth - why does Cheddar do what he does - feels wrong in this piece and the dialogue is a little samey and cliched. Action writing strong though.

Paul De Vrijer (Level 5)

And then what? Kind of left me hanging there. What's going to happen next, what is the entire impact? He loses his soul, does he die? Does he vanish!
What a cliffhanger, but not really a good one.

Also thought that the whole setting was a bit weird, with him moving in and then suddenly the appearance of the woman AND the man. Why now? Why did he suddenly show, obviously the baby's been living a while. What's the connection.

Perhaps most jarring is 'Cheddar' losing his friend Rock and not even reacting. Even I was going 'oh shit'. And he just wants to pass up his SOUL to a stranger. How does he know the woman is not into the entire scheme? Perhaps it's all one big trap, I mean, they did kill his friend.

Too many holes in this one, sorry. The pun is alright though, I laughed.

Best Moment: Guess the names, that does give it a certain memorable charm.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

I take this to be more of a comedy, but I think we have some tonal problems throughout preventing this from being assigned to one particular genre. For comedy, we need more laughs; for fantasy, more mysticism; for horror, more scares, etc.

Your themes are obvious here, but they have been portrayed many, many times before. Try to put a new twist or spin on all this to freshen it up. While your themes are clear, the overall point isn't so much. Why have you asked us to read this?

We don't really get a chance to know any of these characters very well to truly root for or care about their plight, i.e.- Rock's death, or Woman's deal with Sinister Man.

Why give Cheddar and Rock such specific, unique names, but not "Woman," who plays just as significant a role in the story, maybe even more so. Sinister Man, as well, though I suppose he's supposed to be the devil incarnate.

Your actual screenwriting is excellent; format appears in order; didn't detect any typos.

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5)

I like the dramatic action in this and it's good that you've set up an intriguing situation that produces a difficult moral dilemma.

This script feels a little like something that belongs within a wider story in that perhaps it would be nice to be able to establish the characters and situation before the dramatic encounter gets going.

I was a little confused by the ending. I'm thinking that the intent is that the deal is done, however the way the Sinister Man disappears seems to leave open the possibility that some outside element has intervened. Maybe this is deliberate.

Rob Dianora (Level 4)

I really admire this script. I think it has an interesting tone with the blend of carnage and comedy. However the story/plot fell flat, especially with the lack of resolution/ending. I think you can add some more material just to make the characters and their actions stronger. This certainly has plenty of potential. Good work and keep at it with this script.

Ron Hooker (Level 4)

Interesting story and good imagery. The idea that Cheddar would give his soul to one stranger on behalf of another stranger is a bit far-fetched, but otherwise I enjoyed the read.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

I gave you very good for the first four pages, but you lost me at the end. Who left.. Sinister man or Cheddar? I wasn't sure.

I think this is a fun script with so much going on, so quickly we're pushed into a life and death struggle. It's well written and I identified with the characters. But the ending just fell flat, it didn't have the punch that it needed to make this an excellent.

Nice title!!!

I like your short snappy action lines, they're visual without a lot of words!

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

Interesting, but there's not really much story there.

Selling one's soul to the devil is a good basis for a story, and there's always lots of potential there. But it's not a story in itself.

So, what does it need? Here's a possibility: "Sinister Man" asks a very good question, "Most would trade their souls for wealth or fame. You would trade it for the child of a stranger?" We (the viewers) want to know the answer to that one, too. Cheddar doesn't know this woman, he's just seen his friend's heart ripped out of his chest, and he just calmly offers up his soul to the devil? What's up with that? The answer to that question could be a really great story.

What you need is a new spin on the "sell-your-soul" story, but this one doesn't really have any spin at all, new or otherwise.

A good kernel of an idea, but you really need more story.

My score: GOOD.

Suzanne Smith (Level 4)

Hi there. Wow, yes, the title is very fitting for this script! Loved the flow - it was a bit short five pages, seemed less than that. I liked the humour, I really like Cheddar as a character, he seemed laid-back, calm. Great visual, had no problems there, I have to say - a story well written. My favourite line - Pick on someone your own size motherfucker! lol, made me laugh, then the guy gets his heart ripped out, very dramatic. Awesome story!

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

I liked this a lot, until the end. Cool and scary & it jumps right into the story. But by the end it felt like an excerpt from a larger work rather than a complete story. Cheddar doesn't seem freaked out enough that Rock has his heart ripped out - and then he cheerfully sacrifices himself for a stranger? Maybe I missed something?

Thomas W. Brown (Level 4)

This is a decent, well written script. The names are my favourite part, I have to say. Cheddar - great choice. Anywho, I like the build up, it's very weird/dark/funny, but the ending really threw me. There isn't so much of a conclusion as there is an abrupt halt to the story. Nothing is really resolved, it just ends. Overall I think you have a cool idea here, just didn't like the ending. Cheers!

Tim Westland (Moderator)

There is something about the opening descriptions that works well. Sadly, the rest of the script fell short. Go back and see what you did there and understand why it's good.

You HAVE to give speaking characters and important characters NAMES. And the way you refer to them. "Infant cries". Everytime I read your descriptions of Woman and Infant, I cringed. You were almost writing the descriptions of them in the third person.

The dialogue is extremely on the nose. You need to read your stuff out loud. You'll see that the people speak like machines... and they say EXACTLY what they are thinking. Real people don't actually do that. You need to go over every line of dialogue.

In the end, there really was no end, no payoff. This results in... no point to reading this. Your end is what the reader is waiting for, so you need a serious payoff. The way it's written now, we have to wait until Cheddar dies some time in the distant future... then what. His soul goes down instead of up.

And the name Cheddar? Wow - weird choice. You don't want to have names that detract from the story, and this one does. Has anyone ever been named Cheddar? If you need to name someone after a cheese, how about Jack? At least the reader isn't constantly wondering "why Cheddar?".

Comments Made After the Contest

Chris Keaton (Level 5) ~ 2/1/2010 12:33 AM

Man Brian, really? You only got a 'Good' from me this time bro. Should've went zombie.

Brian Wind (Level 5) ~ 2/1/2010 1:00 AM

Clearly this story confused a lot of people so allow me to explain some of the things that came up the most in the comments...

Since we're following Cheddar through the story and he's just moving in to his apartment, he doesn't know the Woman's name and neither do we. Same with the Infant and Sinister Man. These are all strangers he encounters. Giving them names in the script but literally no chance for them to ever be introduced to the other characters seemed weird to me so I didn't do it.

One point of criticism that I honestly found a little irritating was that several people commented on how they didn't think a "Cheddar" would be living in a luxury apartment complex. I don't understand that at all. A slacker could be wealthy in any number of ways... musician, trust fund, computer programmer, actor, drug dealer, etc... So many that I never even gave a second thought to explaining it since it really didn't have anything to do with the story itself.

Cheddar didn't react much to his buddy getting his heart ripped out because Sinister Man was approaching. In the moment, he had to decide if he wanted to weep over his pal (and possibly end up the same way since he didn't know Sinister Man's intentions) or slam the door in his face and try to figure out what was going on. Personally, I wouldn't spend a whole lot of time crying over a murdered friend either if some Satanic heart-ripper was stalking towards me, but maybe that's just me...

The name Cheddar. Some people loved it, other hated it. Tim W asked "Has anyone ever been named Cheddar?" The answer is yes. I based the character on a guy named Cheddar that I went to college with.

The ending confused pretty much everyone. The Sinister Man will claim Cheddar's soul when he dies (just like he will the Woman's.) so his business there was finished and he left. Cheddar is left with a soul bound for Hell when he dies. Sinister Man realized he may not claim Cheddar's soul ever if he did not take the deal because he had a lot of good in his heart, enough that he would unselfishly offer his soul in exchange for the child's life.

In my first draft, I had a line at the end where Woman asks Cheddar "Why?" and he shrugs and tells her "'Cause I'm an atheist." But I scrubbed it because I thought it might make things confusing and raise the question of how can he be an atheist when the devil was obviously right there in his apartment.

I don't know... I guess those were the main points people mentioned. I'm a little disappointed in the reaction this script got. I was hoping for more, but obviously I botched the ending.

Thanks for the feedback everyone.

James Hughes (Level 5) ~ 2/18/2010 9:09 PM

I don't think you botched anything. I gave this script an excellent. I think it worked. Form should equal content, so the fact that we know nothing other than the immediate action was the right way to handle because Cheddar knows nothing as well. He has to make quick decisions based on no knowledge. I didn't think anything was wrong with the ending. It worked for me!

Tim Westland (Moderator) ~ 2/18/2010 11:33 PM

Dude... you CALLED ME OUT !?!?! Heh heh heh

Whether someone has been named Cheddar or not, it's still a cheesy name. Pun intended, of course.

I still contend that Cheddar, as a name, is a distraction. Names should be interesting, but if it takes me out of the story, then it doesn't work. But as always, that's just my opinion and my comments are mine alone. If nobody else commented on it, then it's my bad.

As for the end you almost had where Cheddar says, "I'm an Athiest"... dude, I would have loved that. It would have been a definite end of scene. Even if we understand at some level that Cheddar owes his soul to the Devil at some point in the future, that's just not gonna be satisfying enough.

Are you considering a rewrite? I think you have something that would work better in maybe 8 - 10 pages. You need more space to flesh out these scenes.

Matthew Fettig (Level 5) ~ 3/1/2010 2:39 AM

Brian - I'm one of those the didn't buy into the slacker living in luxury, and felt the ending was weak.

Your explanation of how a slacker could live there is fine, but to me, you only gave us a slacker...not a musician, trust fund kid, etc... I took slacker to mean slacker.

I think the ending you deleted would have been much better. At least I would have felt that the guy didn't believe in his heart he had made any kind of deal, or that it even mattered.

If you get a minute, I'd appreciate if you could have a look at my re-write for the logline contest. My entry was The Mission Deception. I obviously held back on the hook with my submission, so I cut the whole thing quite a bit and revealed more of the ending.