Comments Made During the Contest

Aaron Scott (Level 4)

This logline seems a little confusing to me. Break up the sentences and clarify what you are trying to say. Sounds like it could be interesting though. I hope that you rework this and resubmit at a later date.

Audrey Webb (Level 5)

I like the basic concept very much. After reading that second sentence about 10 times, however, I'm still not certain I understand what happens. So I'll ask you some questions in the hopes that your answers to them, when included in your logline, will bring some clarity to it.

Who took a pay cut? Is the vigilante on the city's payroll? That sort of defies the term "vigilante" in my books.

Why is there a scheme to detonate regulated bombs around the capital? And whose idea was it? I'm confused why there is a need to detonate bombs after a city has been rid of all crime.

Hope this helps a few ideas gell in your mind.

Bill Delehanty (Level 4)

Does the vigilante detonate the bombs or someone else? And the second crusader is a hero? or villain? The logline is a bit confusing.

Brian Howell (Level 5)

I'm not understanding where the pay cut fits in. I'm confused with regulated bombs? How about just saying bombs. To be the paid heroine? Or did you mean to say to be paid in heroin? If the accidental deaths call for her and a fellow crusader to capture the faceless assailant, how does that cause the scheme to go awry? Is that scheme what the faceless assailant was trying to do, so if it goes awry that's a good thing, is it not? I'm rather confused, if you couldn't tell. Let's see if we're on the same page: 'a female vigilante and a fellow crusader team-up to capture the faceless assailant who's city-wide bomb detonation scheme goes awry, accidentally killing two police officers.' That might be totally wrong, but that's what I came up with from your logline.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

The title is not an attention grabber at all.

The genre appears to be a crime/action film, but I can't tell if these vigilantes are super-hero's or not.

The story is fairly clear. You do a decent job of summarizing the script, but-

The logline itself is incredibly confusing and poorly worded. I had to read 5 or 6 times to figure out that story was fairly clear. The second sentence is way too long, like a big run-on sentence, but the bigger problem is the complete lack of clarity. When I try to read it as a whole, it doesn't make any sense. If I break it apart and look at it in segments, I'm able to piece together what I believe happens in the script, but I really think you would have done better to tinker with the structure of this until you got it right.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

I do like one word titles - attracted my attention immediately.

After a pay cut, a scheme to detonate regulated bombs around the capital, only to be the paid heroine...uh? Only to be the paid heroine? I don't understand this.

Sounds interesting but you need more clarity in your logline. Surely the detail of the pay cut is superfluous in this context, for example?

Chris Burdette (Level 2)

I do not really know what this is about. I read it three or four times, but I can't seem to get it to really make any sense. I think it's about a superhero who does her job too well and rids a city of crime. Bored because of her hardwork, and poor because she's not working (do vigilante's get paid?), she devises a plan to make her needed again. But, OOPS! Two cops die, and now she must help another superhero hunt for herself. Is that right? This was really confusing, and I think it could really benefit from some polishing.

Chris Keaton (Level 5)

Fraking hell is that second sentance and actual sentance? Ugh. This is your time to shine, so make the logline a good expression of you and your writing style.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

The first sentence is clear and find. The second sentence is long and very confusing. I have read it several times and I still can't quite follow it all. I'm not even sure who the protagonist is.

I do like the word "slip", but I don't see how it connects with the story.

Dan Delgado (Level 5)

Dear Sir or Madam,

Thank you for your logline submission: "Slip"

I don't if this was rushed, or if there was a last minute edit but it's fairly incoherent. It almost seems like the woman vigilante is part of the police force, which is not what a vigilante is. I don't know what the pay has to do with detonated "regulated" bombs around the capital. But I guess it caused two accidental deaths of officers. And then there's a fellow crusader who tries to capture a faceless assailant. Implying that the accidental deaths, weren't accidental? I don't -- but I think your logline got chopped up and it's not telling us your story.

I have no idea if the title is appropriate or not.

Your logline doesn't fill our current or anticipated needs. Please do not send the screenplay.

Thank you.

Dan Lennox (Level 5)

Perhaps it's only me, but this one is really tough to follow. Okay, we have a vigilante woman. But who's getting the pay cut? Our vigilante? If so, is she employed by the city government? Who's trying to bomb the city? Why are they trying to bomb the city? What will happen to our vigilante if she doesn't stop this assailant?

Unfortunately, you usually get ONE chance to hook someone on your story, and the logline is supposed to give the audience an in depth look at your story in just a few short sentences.

This logline is a decent start, but it doesn't quite accomplish this. Tell us who the good guy is, what he wants, who the bad guy is, what he wants, and what might happen if the hero doesn't accomplish his goal. Throw these elements into your logline and your audience will get a clearer picture of what the story is about.

David Birch (Level 5)

the second sentence had me confused...i've read over and over, but it just doesn't work for me...i get the first sentence (good)...but the second sentence rambled and threw things at me that didn't mesh..."a scheme"...who's scheme?...your protag's?...the "faceless assailant?"...a vigilante is a person who fights crime, so maybe dropping "rids her city of all crime" only to give yourself more space to explain the twist a little better...or maybe it just went over my head (entirely possible)

David D. DeBord (Level 5)

I really got lost in the phrasing of this logline. A couple of pronouns confused me. Who is the her of “assist her?” What does “only to be the paid heroine” phrase mean. Maybe I’m too dense to understand but I really couldn’t follow the sequence of phrases. I sense there may be some very interesting characters and perhaps a story with a strong female lead character (something Hollywood occasionally but should more often embrace), but I’m sorry, I just don’t get it.

Dawn Calvin (Level 5)

Love the title. Not sure of the tie in to the logline / story.
Confusing to me. she is a vigilante who takes payment in heroine. If the city is rid of all crime, who has the bombs?

I found this very confusing and with a good rewrite, it sounds like it could be a good concept.

DW Pollard (Level 4)

The first sentence is clear. The second sentence I've read three times and still trying to wrap my head around it and I still don't get it. The second sentence definitely needs to be reworked and made clearer to truly understand what this movie is about.

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

I like the way this logline begins but, after the first sentence I got confused. I have read it three times and I still don't know what the movie is about. The title is meaningless to me, too.

Felice Bassuk (Level 4)

This logline is a bit confusing to me, with the scheme to detonate bombs and the faceless assailant. If you mean "to be the only paid heroine" (rather than "only to be the paid heroine"), then it makes better sense. But I don't really get what it's about. One grammatical error is "calls" - should be "call." But it might be better if you say "result in a fellow crusader..."

Fred Koszewnik (Level 5)

The one word "Slip" doesn't really grab attention and seems too passive. The logline is very complicated and difficult to read and comprehend. The storyline strikes me as a good one but needs to be rewritten to be more accessible and comprehensible.

Herman Chow (Level 5)

I still don't understand after several reads. There are just too many random things happening in the logline. Seems like you have to pack as much events there as possible.

Your first sentence is good. It gives us an idea what kind of story this is, ala The Dark Knight. But then things just went off to a tangent.

What does bomb detonation have to do with paid heroine? Don't need that. And then the bomb kills two officers which elicit the call for a fellow crusader. You introduced three different characters in your last sentence!

I can see there is a goal for our vigilante here, but it's still kinda muddled.

FAIR.

James Hughes (Level 5)

I could not follow this logline. After rereading it a bunch of times, I think I get what the story is. I think it needs to reworked in order to be easier to follow.
Why would a vigilante being getting paid and thus get a pay cut? Not sure if that is what is happening.
The title also doesn't help me at all. It doesn't seem to fit with the story because she is trying to remain faceless not get away.

Jeff Ferry (Level 4)

The title was good. The logline starts off awkardly. The first sentence is very abrupt and probably should have contained a nugget of more information. The rest of the logline is a mess. A quick edit could have fixed most of the problems.

Joel Davis (Level 5)

I'm really confused by this. Is this a comic-book superhero style movie or a detective-style vigilante? Who concocts the bomb scheme and why? and what makes the 'fellow crusader' a challenge to her?

There's hints of a really interesting story in here, but the logline needs a lot of work. Focus on clarity, use simple sentence structure and just give us the overall facts and specific details of the story.

The title doesn't seem to mesh with the story, either.

John LaBonney (Level 4)

This is terribly confusing; the only part I understand is the first sentence. The grammar alone is enough to make me want to avoid the script.

Jonah Yarden (Level 4)

The language hindered this logline and prevented the story from being as cutting as it could have been.The conflict here is a little weak and so without a strong enough implication of the 2nd act the lof feels a little weak.

Jose Batista (Level 5)

This is a very interesting plot. So much can happen in this story from the beginning when the city is cleaned up of crime to the villain being ruthless and terrorizing the citizens. The bombs are a serious threat and the deaths of the two officers a sufficient catalyst to set off a chain reaction of events that require another fellow crime fighter to join the fray.

Very Good Logline, providing great information and structured in a way that heightens the sense of danger that is soon to arrive. My only gripe is the 'Faceless Assailant'. I hope that's not his name...LOL!!! You only mention him/her at the end of the logline and to a minimal effect. There should have been an additional piece of information that should have been placed in order to raise the stakes and make the villain seem a formidable challenge.

Katie Va (Level 3)

This is very hard to read. I don't understand exactly what is going on, where, or why it matters to me. The character is given no character, only a weak title, and the plot is very had to discern from the line.

Kevin Carty (Level 4)

Boring. Well maybe not but it is out of focus. It reads like a rambling of stuff. Accidental death etc etc.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

It's good but it's pretty simple storyline for me. Old cat and mouse game.
Why the assistance of fellow crusader is of importance? Is it a romantic comedy? - a wild guess but it would so much more interesting if it was a romantic comedy.
What is at conflict here? Her searching for the assailant is not enough for me. I want more. How does her unique personality contributes... etc.

Good but could be much better I think. The logline is clear and easy to understand, the genre is there, the protagonist too, but I still want more.

Kirk White (Level 5)

I have to admit, I got lost in the middle of this log line, right around "only to be the paid..."

KP Mackie (Level 5)

This story appears to be action-adventure.
Seems the vigilante, perhaps a super-hero, joins forces with a crusader, maybe another super-hero, in pursuit of a "faceless assailant" who caused the bombing deaths of two police officers.
The title may refer to the "pay cut" paperwork.
Probably don't need to mention that the vigilante rids the city of crime as that detail would be part of the story. The connection is not clear between the pay cut and the bombs. The line "...only to be the paid heroine" might have a typo.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

I'm sorry, this is a really confusing logline. Every time I think I've got a handle on the story, another phrase confuses me more. "Only to be the paid heroine" is an awkward phrase, and I'm not sure how it relates to the phrase before it.

To be honest, I think you need to start from scratch on this logline. I'd like to offer you a better logline, but I still don't have a firm grasp on what the story is.

...I've reread the logline several times, and it's still beyond me. I thought a reread might help me help you. Hopefully, other reviewers can be more helpful.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

The title is good.

What is this about?

"After a pay cut, a scheme to detonate regulated bombs around the capital, only to be the paid heroine, goes awry..." I don't understand this line. At first I thought that the vigilante came up with the bomb plan so she could get a bigger paycheck. Then I just got lost...

This needs to be reworded in a more straightforward manner.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

"only to be the paid heroine" -- I don't understand this line. And who had a pay cut? Parts of this are intriguing but other parts are confusing. In the end I just don't understand what it's about.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

I think you have your clauses or commas mixed up. I don't think this part makes perfect sense: "After a pay cut, a scheme to detonate regulated bombs around the capital, only to be the paid heroine, goes awry..."

Because of this, it's harder for me to get an idea of your story. Is the vigilante the one planting bombs? If she is, and causes the deaths of two innocent people, then we can't really root for her as a main character. So then who's the main character?

There's a bit of a disconnect between the "vigilante" and the "crusader". Although similar words, each imply different tones for the film. Maybe that will form part of the conflict between them?

Matthew Fettig (Level 5)

Title - I think I get it, but I don't know if it fits properly. At first I thought the bombs were set by the vigilante, but the ending indicates otherwise. So "slip" as an error on the part of the main character doesn't fit.

Logline - It is poorly structured which makes reading it a bit difficult. I'm not quite sure who's doing what. And I'm not sure I understand the main characters ultimate goal.

Story - I think it's a bit of a stretch to start off with ridding an entire city of all crime. I also don't know what a regulated bomb is. Maybe that gets explained in the story.

Micah Ricke (Level 4)

I've read this logline several times and am utterly confused. In fact, it's so confusing that I am having a hard time coming up with anything specifically helpful to say. The best I can do is to recommend you follow the formula: "While struggling with A, protagonist, reaches new emotional state B". Then write several versions of your logline and have friends and family or whoever you can read and rank them.

Give it another go around.

Best regards.

Michael Hoffman (Level 4)

Nice quick title. Not sure how it relates but it sounds cool.

Obviously you have a sense of what this story it about but it doesn't translate into the logline. I'm not the smartest guy around but I honestly don't understand the actual plot of this script (even after multiple reads).

I would suggest dropping some of the 'scheme' details and try to simplify the logline. There is probably an exciting action story in here but I struggled to unravel the deatils of the script.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

Title very ambiguous; I could see how it fits with the premise as it seems she makes a mistake.

Story: really not too sure what this is about as the logline is kind of all over the place. Who's pay cut? hers? Since when do vigilates get paid? Who's scheme? Who's the paid heroine? What does that actually mean?

Very, very confused and confusing.

Nicholas Ziolkowski (Level 4)

I think you meant to omit, "only to be the paid heroine." If you didn't, then it doesn't make sense in its current position.

Who's getting a pay cut that causes all this chaos to ensue? I'm assuming it's the faceless assailant, but it's not completely clear.

There are some interesting ideas in this, though.

Nicky Muddle (Level 3)

The title is short and punchy, which is good, but doesn't convey too much information by itself. I love the story you've described, much better than other entrants with far better executed loglines. As it stands the logline lets your story down. It is confusing and poorly expressed. At the very least chop up that long second sentence into shorter, punchier, clearer statements. The faceless assailant turns up out of nowhere at the very end, referred to as if the reader already knows about their existence.

Paul De Vrijer (Level 5)

Another one of the (super)hero loglines. I'm sorry, but this just isn't the right contest. Originality is really difficult to find then. I like what you did with the reversing of the angles, but we need a stronger lead her. The vigilante alone would not be enough, we need something that makes her special. I kind of like the title, but I dont feel like it fits with this story. Overall this logline just doesnt grab my attention.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

I dig this genre of story, but I'm afraid I can't make much sense out of this logline.

Who takes a pay cut? This vigilante?
Who detonates these bombs?
Capital of what?
This heroine is also the vigilante?

Title: I have no idea how it fits your story.

Pete Barry (Level 5)

The genre and mood are clearly telegraphed by good word choices, and the title is intriguing even if it doesn't supply any connection or information.

Unfortunately, after three reads, I still was having trouble figuring out what's going on. The first sentence is simple enough (and could be compressed into a phrase in the second sentence). The second is a little easier to read when the additional clauses are taken out - "After a pay cut", "only to be the paid heroine" - which I still can't really make hide nor hair of.

I think - though I might be mistaken - that the vigilante is upset about a pay cut (which is an ususual setup for a vigilante), plants some bombs, and then must pretend to help the police find the culprit with an assistant. If that's the story, it's good, but it's very difficult to get that with this logline.

I think a fantastic way to start making this easier to read would be to restructure the sentence with active verbs that the protagonist is doing. Right now the "scheme" is doing something ("going awry") which "calls" for something else to happen. Make it about the heroine - "A corrupted superhero must lead the police and her new sidekick away from the evidence of her own crime." That's not perfect, but at least it's active, and simple, and easy to read.

I think the story might be promising, just take a few more shots at rewriting the logline, and you might draw a lot of interest.

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5)

The title works well in a short punchy kind of way.

I can see potential in the story but I guess I'm a little confused because it sounds like the main character is both the protagonist and the antagonist at the same time. This might work out although the fact that she kills two people seems to make her a full blown bad guy.

The technique of the logline is okay. I had to read it over a couple of times before I understood it but I think that is because the pattern of the story is unconventional.

Razvan Badea (Level 3)

Your phrasing is confusing and the way you put your ideas into words a bit chaotic. I'm not sure I understood exactly what the second sentence is about. What I got from it was this: the vigilante blows up bombs regularly so she can get paid and two officers die accidentaly so she... what? Thinks somebody is behind those accidents and gets help from another hero? Why would she make that assumption? Isn't she kind of a criminal? The officers happened to be there when the bombs exploded. So they're collateral damage. It doesn't sound like sabotage.
The title relates to an event in the movie, but it's not what the movie is about. It's just the premise. So I don't find it to be suitable and it's not telling me anything special about the movie, either.

Rich Keel (Level 4)

So the vigilante set off the bombs and has to track down herself with a fellow crime fighter? Hmmm...I think I get but not 100% sure. Which for a logline is probably a bad thing. It might be that I'm just slow but this seems off a bit. The grammar and everything seem fine but maybe the way it is arranged. I don't know. I like the title.

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

I got confused. Decent title and opening line but I wanted more than just vigilante. Reluctant? The next sentence either went clear over my head or was edited late and never fixed properly. I assume a pay cut is important but the 'only to be the paid heroine' threw me. I couldn't understand what you were trying to say. My only suggestion would be to carefully proof your submissions to make sure they make sense. Not only in contests and competitions but also when sending query letters and emails. With so many people trying to get their scripts read, you've really got to make sure everything you send out or post sparkles with the best grammer, vocabulary and of course, clarity. The story will sell itself if it is well-presented.

Rob Dianora (Level 4)

I would probablly rewrite this logline, just to be more clear what your story is about. The second sentence is just a run on. As for your title, I'm not sure exactly how it relates to the story, so I'd work on that in your script.

Ron Hooker (Level 4)

I'm really confused by this logline. I can't piece together anything coherent that tells me what this script is about.

There's a vigilante who rids her city of all crime, but how can that be true if there's a scheme to detonate bombs? That sounds like crime to me. Also, why is it important to know there's a pay cut? What pay cut? Who's pay cut? How does it support the main crux of the story?

"only to be the paid heroin" makes little sense at all. Who's the heroin? Is this a different character from the vigilante, or the same? If it's the same, why does she rid her city of crime only to plot destruction to the capital? I don't understand.

There's also the mentioning of a fellow crusader and a faceless assailant, but there's nothing describing exactly what their roles are, or how they tie into the conflict (???).

I'm sorry, but I'm not exactly sure what's going on here.

Rosanne Christie (Level 3)

Your logline is a little hard to follow. Does the vigilante get a pay cut from the city? Does she discover the bombs? Does the accident happen because she is less vigilant due to the pay cut? Just some clarity would help sell your story.

Rustom Irani (Moderator)

The title is fairly simple and one that doesn't seem related to the plot, as I don't know if it is a character name or refers to "Slip up"

How old is she? Why is a vigilante being paid? Don't they usually work of their own accord and resources?

The fragmented quality of the second sentence is quite a tongue twister and really makes the plot unclear.

Does the pay cut go awry? Or the plan? If she rid the city of all crime were did the assailant come from?

I'm already guessing the fellow crusader is not what he seems.

These inadequacies really made the choppy logline feel like a series of ideas just strung together.

I'm not sure whether this is a super-hero film or an action/thriller.

And therefore I'll have to wait till you clear things up before I'd want to read the first ten pages.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

This logline is confusing and hard to decipher what your story is actually about.

Sasha Clancy (Level 4)

Title - I don't know what the title has to do with the story. I assume it becomes clear when one reads the screenplay.

Story - I like the first sentence. After that, I have no idea what the story is. Whose pay is cut? Who schemes to detonate bombs? What's a "regulated bomb"? What does being a paid heroine have to do with it? The way it's written, it sounds like the heroine's pay is cut so she goes off and starts bombing the city. But, then you say that she wants to capture the assailant so that would mean she isn't the bomber.

Craft - Your logline starts great. Your first sentence is excellent. But, your next sentence is so long and convoluted that I have no idea what is going on. Find your story. Concentrate on your story and get rid of everything else. Your story will stand out and you'll have a much better logline. You have some typos/grammar issues. I don't take off for that but they need to be fixed if you plan to send this out.

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

I really had a hard time understanding this logline. I understand the first sentence. But the second sentence is all jumbled up and very confusing. It starts off talking about a pay cut, and my first reaction was, "What? A vigilante gets paid?" But then it immediately gets worse when it starts talking about a scheme to detonate regulated bombs around the capitol, followed by stuff about a paid heroine, a fellow crusader, and a faceless assailant. Whew! Too much stuff. It needs focus.

There's probably a very exciting story in there, but you need to tighten up the logline. A lot.

My score: FAIR.

Thomas W. Brown (Level 4)

Title: Honestly, I'm not really a fan. It feels very vague and doesn't really capture my imagination.

Story: If I have the premise right, I think you have the potential for a decent story here. A vigilante turns to crime after a pay cut (vigilantes get paid?). Quite frankly, I don't know for sure if this is your premise. It seems like it could be a dark superhero/anti-superhero flick, but the journey of your protagonist is not very clearly defined. She rids her city of all crime, but then another crime happens? Does she commit the crime, only to be hunter by a fellow hero? And how does the heroine factor into all this? I'm just plain confused.

Craft: I think the main problem here is the craft. Your sentences are very clunky and don't read very well. You have a couple of spelling and grammatical errors. I suspect that you have a story here, possibly a good one, but the meat of it gets lost because of the way you have structured your sentences. Overall, I think this could use a good re-write to flesh out the main conflict in the story.

Tim Ratcliffe (Level 4)

This one is confusing and a bit all over the place IMO. The second sentence is too long and has too many commas and doesn't read very well. Who is taking the pay cut? The vigilante? They don't get paid. Who is scheming to detonate bombs in the city? The vigilante again? I am confused. Is the faceless assailant someone different to the vigilante or is that who you are talking about? Sorry but this only succeeded in confusing the hell out of me.

Tim Westland (Moderator)

Title: Not sure how it relates to the story.

Logline: Wow... the sentence structure here is just awful. Normally I'm pretty good at putting it all together, but this just doesn't work on every level. This is important, because it directly reflects on your understanding of the requirements of a logline and your ability (craft) to complete a readable full length script. Based on what I read above, I just can't see a finished product.

None of this works in any way I can determine. Sorry...

Tracey Brown (Level 3)

Very confusing. The writing is tripping up on itself. I had to read the first part of the second sentence three times to get the sense of it. I still don't quite get it, though - if the deaths of the officers are accidents, where does the 'faceless assailant' come in?

There is a good clear protagonist and I like the title. Is this the heroine's name, as well? Would be cute. Though anyone who would plant bombs around a city because she's had a pay cut, and not take into consideration what could go wrong, is not a character I'm warming to, to be honest.

But the logline really needs work to put the story in a clear, succint way, and to let the genre shine through - I'm not sure if this is an 'Incredibles'-style romp or a darker, Batmanesque tale. The 'pay cut' thing suggests the former, the dead cops the latter.

Wes Worthing (Level 5)

The last sentence is hard to get through. I like the anti-hero concept here. Seems like this would be a character that an A list actress would want to tackle. Creative. Thanks.

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus)

This logline confuses me -- "only to be the paid heroine, goes awry". I'm not sure if the vigilante is setting off these bombs or not? That middle portion is definitely confusing. I do think that it needs clarification. Is it because she wants to be the only paid heroine? I don't know who the faceless assailant is when it pops up at the end. Did the faceless assailant set-off these bombs?

William Dunbar (Level 5)

Well, I read this three times, and I still can't make head nor tail of it. The first sentence is clear, and sounds like a good start, but the rest is just confusing. Try reading it aloud to yourself and seeing if you can understand it.

Comments Made After the Contest

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator) ~ 3/1/2010 2:39 AM

Man, I messed up here.

Yeah, my story is about a superhero who gets paid money to fight crime, but she completely cleans up the streets so now she's broke. So she decides to plan bombings around the city (when no one is around) so they will pay her again to help them catch this person (which is her) She accidentally kills two cops, though, so the city hires another crusader to assist her on catching this bomber, and now she has to avoid being caught.

It's more of a crime thriller than a butt kicking action film.

The fact that she gets paid definitely contradicts the word vigilante. I didn't even catch that, thanks guys.

Someone said that she's not trying to slip by, but remain faceless. I appreciate that comment. I'll think more on that.

This was my second attempt at writing a logline. I loved the experience!