Comments Made During the Contest

Aaron Scott (Level 4)

I like the inner conflict, but not sure I like that it is his son. Also, could it be something more urgent, like his "son's" killer is back at it again and only our protagonist can save the day but only if beats his dread Alzheimers.

Alex Ostapiej (Level 2)

Solid title. It's a little hard to believe that a detective would still have a job after that diagnosis, but maybe part of your full script deals with how he gets around that. Mainly suffers from a few grammatical errors which prevent it from coming off better, more professional. I'm referring to the ";"s and also need "can" to be the start of a new sentence. Plus a ? at the end.

Amanda Sidorowicz (Level 4)

This is an interesting idea, but the logline is written with too many grammar/spelling distractions that I can't just focus on the story itself.

Few notes:
- Spell out '25' because it's starting a sentence.
- Get rid of both semicolons. I think one of them is supposed to be an 'i'.
- The sentence is a run-on -- break it up into two.
- There needs to be a question mark after killer.

I'd rework the logline, but after you do, I think you'll be okay. The story sounds somewhat like "The Lovely Bones" but the father searching has Alzheimers disease; however, but I think that could be the angle that really makes this story work and different from that one.

Good luck.

Bill Delehanty (Level 4)

This sounds cool. I like to think the title has more than one meaning in it. I'm assuming the two ; was a typo, oddly enough it didn't distract me from the great logline. Great work!

Brian Howell (Level 5)

If you reread this I'm sure you can see the obvious grammar and spelling errors. You need a comma after 'unsolved murder'. There is a mysterious semi-colon between stage one and Alzheimers. And there is another semi-colon in lieu of the letter 'I' in break in the case. After break in the case, you probably should end the sentence and you need to use a '?' At the end; you are asking a question. Spelling, grammar and typos are just lazy. The idea is fantastic!

Brian Wind (Level 5)

The title is okay. Not a real attention grabber, but it's not bad.

The genre is pretty clear. I'll guess detective mystery here.

This logline doesn't flow very well due to some punctuation problems. On top of that, it's closer to a premise than a logline. A logline should be a succinct summary of the entire script, not just the premise or first act. Basically, we know that a detective with Alzheimers tries to solve a 25 year old case while battling the disease. I assume that all happens at the start of the script so what happens in the second and third acts? Who is the antagonist? Who is the detective's ally? Those questions should be answered in a good logline.

There were no errors in spelling or grammar, but there are some punctuation issues here. You seem confused on when to use a semicolon. I'll guess that the second one is just a typo, but the first one, after "stage one" should just be a comma. Actually, if you just say he was diagnosed with Alzheimers and don't mention which stage, that would eliminate the need for any punctuation there at all and enhance the flow of the logline. The last punctuation problem I noticed was that you end the logline with a question, but no question mark.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

Lovely title.

I think it looks better to use the words twenty five.

To find a break in a case isn't common usage. Perhaps 'makes a breakthrough' would be better?

Why the semi-colons in the logline?

can he hold it together long enough to find his son's killer. This should be a separate sentence and finish with a question mark.

I like the idea of this story a lot.

Chris Burdette (Level 2)

I like the sound of the movie. It's intriguing, and I think your title gives great insight to what this one's about. However, there are a lot of grammatical issues with it that keep it from being as strong as it could be.

Don't know why, but I keep seeing the VHS cover for Who's Harry Crumb? Detective and "Crum"ble. I don' know. Weird.

Chris Keaton (Level 5)

Nice, too bad about the typo. I won't hold it against you. I am interested in knowing what happens if he doesn't catch him? Is he going to kill again. Might be nice to add that to the end.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

This is a great premise for a story.

It reminds me (loosely) of "Memento", but that is a good thing. I am totally intrigued by this story.

The only flaw I can find is those damn semi-colons, which I'm sure all the other reviewers will mention. It's too bad - still, I won't mark you down for it (I want to read this story too much).

Lastly, I love the title, it feels perfect. This is an excellent logline.

Dan Delgado (Level 5)

Dear Sir or Madam,

Thank you for your logline submission: "Crumble"

Cool idea, well done logline. Tension is automatically built into every scene. I'd like to read this one.

The title is perfect.

We look forward to reading the screenplay, please send it as soon as possible.

Thank you.

Dan Lennox (Level 5)

Oh man.... Great story here! This is my ninety-fourth logline, and I have to say this is the best one yet! What a primal story, and... throwing in the Alzheimers as your ticking time bomb just makes it better.

I can see this as a first place winner here. I can't wait to read your first ten pages.

Excellent storyline. Excellent logline!

David Birch (Level 5)

really like your premise (although it's usually more compelling for a father to search for a daughter/daughter's killer...taken, the edge of darkness)...your story promises a compelling story line...not sure the title helps you, but i'd be interested in reading the screenplay...good luck on the vote...

Dawn Calvin (Level 5)

I like this. I like the title and the story concept. Very cool idea.
A race against time!
The logline and the title are perfectly short.
Fix the spelling! lol
excellent

DW Pollard (Level 4)

This logline was very difficult to understand and quite confusing with the awkward punctuation. I don't know the difference between stage one or stage fifteen, so not sure that's needed; just stating the detective has Alzheimers should be enough to convey to the audience.

There's something about the title I like and how it ties in with the logline.

Erich VonHeeder (Level 4)

I tell you what...that concept combined with that title is BEAUTIFUL. Really, really, heartbreaking and intriguing. I absolutely love it.

Here's the rub: your logline is a punctuation and grammar train wreck, complete with a JARRING typo (break ;n the case).

So here I am with a slam dunk EXCELLENT idea...yet I have been completely robbed of my faith in your ability to execute a readable 10 pages, much less a feature.

This one would have cakewalked into the top thirty and, instead, it is going to get trashed. That, my friend, is the brutal, nasty truth about the importance of proofreading.

But take this VERY VERY important fact with you: People can learn punctuation and editing. People cannot learn creativity. You have a great future, just keep an eye on those details.

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

The story line is very intriguing but the writer has failed to create a good logline. Despite this, I would like to see the movie. Do not ask a question in a logline as it makes it appear as if the writer does not know the story. Consider something like: "Twentyfive years after his son's unsolved murder, an aging detective with Alzheimers, finds a break in the case. He races against his disease to find his son's killer." The title is eye-catching.

Felice Bassuk (Level 4)

Interesting title. Concept is intriguing and this story sounds like it could be very intense. The logline is concise and grabs my interest. But it has several errors and the best, simplest way for me to convey them is to rewrite it: "Twenty-five years after his son's unsolved murder, an aging detective, diagnosed with stage one Alzheimers, unlocks a clue in the case. Can he hold it together long enough to find his son's killer?" Hope this helps.

James Hughes (Level 5)

I like the title.
The punctuation is all over the place in the logline and is detracting from a quality story. I also think the logline needs to be reworded so that the last part isn't a question. I wonder about the treatment of the disease in this script. Is it appropriate to refer to someone suffering from this disease as holding it together? I'm not sure.

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

Aw man, I'm sure you didn't notice and several people above me probably have beaten you over the head for this but... the semicolon. You should have proofread this a million times before you entered it. I'm just going to assume you were one of those people that edited it like 10 minutes before you entered and made a mistake.

Even though I'm not a big fan of them, there should have been a question mark at the end of your logline.

The entire logline seems scattered now that I'm really looking at it. I'm sure at least five people rewrote this for you, so I'll let you take a glance at their examples.

Needs a lot of work.

Jeff Ferry (Level 4)

Well, I liked the title. The rest of the logline was difficult to get through. It was missing punctuation where it needed it and it had it where it didn't need it. It needs to be cleaned up before it's even considered.

Jeffrey Slocum (Level 4)

This sounds interesting; definitely an original theme; wondering the genre; could make a great thriller or a comedy. Sounds like a thriller. Nice.

Jem Rowe (Level 4)

Your title's ok, nothing spectacular but I like it.

The plot's not bad but there's so much detective fiction out there that it'll be hard to make your script feel original. Also, I must warn you, if the son is still alive then the twist is too predictable, if not then I'd like read on and see where this is going.

Your craft is all over the place, just a quick proof read could have fixed most of your errors. Firstly, there should be a comma between "murder" and "an". I can see no reason for the first ";" and I think the logline would flow better without it. I assume the second ";" should be an "i", how did you manage to miss that?!? Also, I personally think that "Twenty-five" would read better that "25", especially at the beginning of a sentence.

Joel Davis (Level 5)

Interesting premise and quite a unique challenge for the protagonist. I'm not sure how well that would work on the screen but I'm intrigued.

The memory lost has a lot of potential for plot twists and turns. It's a unique idea for a thriller.

The title seems fitting, and interesting.

The one thing that I'm having trouble with is figuring out what the tone of the movie will be -- the mystery and the race to find the killer imply a thriller, but the Alzheimers and the title suggest more of a (perhaps somewhat bleak or depressing) drama. Make sure you paint a clear picture in the logline.

John LaBonney (Level 4)

Twenty-five should be spelled out here. The colons are distracting. How about "An aging detective fights to keep his Alzheimer's at bay long enough to find his son's killer." Interesting story idea though.

Jose Batista (Level 5)

You never see movies with old people in the lead role often. This one sounds like a great movie. The aging detective trying to solve a case that is personal versus the onset of Alzheimers. It'll be so cool to see this onscreen. The Title is a bit weak, although it does connect very well with the Logline, I feel that it deservers to be a bit more serious in reghards to what the movie is about.

I like that the Logline was short, to the point and contained all the necessary elements. A successful entry that I'm very much looking forward to reading. Excellent Work!

Justin Ormsby (Level 3)

Great title and logline. I love how after reading the logline the meaning of the title becomes apparent without becoming overwhelmingly obvious. I love this idea and I think it would be a great film. The grammer seems a little odd. Consider "25 years after his son's unsolved murder, an aging detective, diagnosed with stage one; Alzheimer's disease, struggles to maintain sanity long enough to find his son's killer." Eliminates a potential run-on sentence.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

I'm sorry to rub it but simicolomn for a letter is hard to swallow. It's just a sentence...

I might have made a typo too, but If I did I'd like everyone to point it out to me and set me straight. This makes me think you might make similar typos in your script which is no good. I hope you hear it from every reviewer. Sorry.

It's a good idea, the logline is clear and straightforward. I'm marking it as good. I'd get rid of semicolons though.

Kirk White (Level 5)

I'm giving this an excellent because hands down, this is one of the best premises I've EVER READ! the logline has a glar;ng typo but I don't care. I want to read this script!!! if it doesn't place, please send me a copy!

KP Mackie (Level 5)

This story appears to be character-driven with lots of conflict. The "aging-detective" following a potential lead in the 25 year-old murder of his son may have internal conflict as he relives losing his son and struggles to hold on to his ability to remember from the effects of the Alzheimer's disease. External conflict may be from the organization he represents and the details in the pursuit of the killer.
Mood and genre are clear. The log line is descriptive and interesting, but needs some proofing. All the information is here.
The title is terrific. Indicative, perhaps, of the detective's deterioration.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

The title is pretty good. I'm not generally a fan of one-word titles, but this one works for me.

That sounds pretty darn entertaining. Just as the detective starts to lose his memory, he's never needed his memory more. Nice one.

Genre is clearly stated, protagonist is spelled out, you've set the stakes with multiple antagonists (killer and disease). What's not to like? Good job.

But... The punctuation is, frankly, terrible. It'd make any reader immediately concerned about your ability to turn out 100 pages of readable material. Definitely proofread your stuff before you submit it to contests.

Luke Sharratt (Level 2)

Terrific idea, but poorly written and presented. That doesn't matter though, because I'm compelled to read on. Really interested to see where this goes. The title is brilliant too. I wish you'd taken a moment to tidy up the presentation though, as that's the only area thing I can fault. You get a free pass this time though.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

Title - Okay, but cookies come to mind. Could be better.

Pay closer attention to your punctuation. Put a comma after 'murder.' Remove the comma after 'detective.' Remove the semi-colon after 'one.' Replace the semi-colon in ';n' and replace it with an 'i.' The end of your logline asks a question and should have a question mark instead of a period.

You've combined what should be two sentences into one. The first part is a statement of facts. As soon as you start asking a question (can he...) you should start a second sentence.

Don't ask the reader any questions in a logline. All you want to do is lay out the story's basic elements - protagonist, antagonist, conflict/quest/struggle, stakes...

Your idea sounds interesting, but you need to clean up your logline a lot. When you're writing something this short, every word should be correctly spelled and every punctuation mark should be appropriately placed.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

I like the title and how it fits in with the logline. This sounds very interesting...heartbreaking...I like it. You do have two type-o's which is pretty bad since it's only one sentence. (;n) and also there should be a question mark at the end. Can he hold it together??? is a question.

I like the originality of it but the red flag goes up when I see two big errors in the logline. Makes me think your work would be riddled with issues and very hard to read. Too bad.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

Grammar issues: two too many semicolons, commas are missing and in the wrong place, and the last phrase is a question so should have a question mark at the end of it.

This idea is interesting. It should allow you to explore this ageing detective's memory and life in a dynamic way, as well as having the more straight-forward mystery of finding his son's killer.

Very good, despite the grammar problems.

Matthew Fettig (Level 5)

Title - Seems good for this story.

Logline - There is more potential here than you've given us. Poor punctuation and typing hurt this. Some polish could make this a good line.

Story - There isn't anything terribly unique here, but there could be a good story. Unfortunately the carelessness of the entry isn't a good sign.

Micah Ricke (Level 4)

I like the title, the logline is not overly catchy. It also suffers from many grammatical and punctuation errors --very distracting.

There're several logline 'templates' one can work from. I like the following: "While struggling with A, protagonist, reaches new emotional state B". Most any logline can fit into this format. Give it a shot.

I also suggest writing several versions of your logline and then have friends, co-workers, and family read and rank them. Even though they are probably not "professionals" everyone knows what they like and it'll set you on the path to a great logline.

Best of luck.

Michael Alberstadt (Level 4)

Given the tone of the logline, I think the title is great. Concise, thought-provoking, really a powerful way to think about the disease. I have to say, however, that as an amateur cook, my first thought reading the title was strudel topping. Just being honest. :)

The concept for the movie is top-notch and the logline captures all of the angst and pain that the movie will show us.

You need to find a good proofreader and have a look at punctuation before you upload these things. Shouldn't be a semi-colon after "stage", and "in" is misspelled. Period after "case" and a separate sentence for the question at the end. And it's a good question at the end, one that will get a lot of people wondering about what this screenplay will look like. I just hope the screenplay has better punctuation.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

Very topical and with a unique spin on a tired idea.

I'm not a fan of questions in loglines and would suggest tightening that last part up i.e
"and tries desperately to hold it together long enough to find his son's killer."

Title seems a bit too jolly, like some creamy custard would go very well with it; it's not very thrilling and while it fits with the idea that his mind is going, I just keeping picturing pudding after a big Sunday roast.

Several typos throughout.

Paul De Vrijer (Level 5)

Really strong, but the typo's kind of jar. Also, there's an unproduced script by Derek Haas going round where a detective has to solve an old unsolved murdercase and protect his family while suffering from Parkinson. But still, this one kind of differrs from that and will differ loads in execution. But the formatting shows signs that you quickly entered this. I wish you took a little more professional route. One typo isn't that bad, but your entire sentence is hard to read.

While the title is absolutely great, so, real mixed bag here.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

I love this genre of story and this actually bares some similarities to the plot of my logline, but for one sentence, you have far too many typos, some which there's really no excuse for and I think your scores with reflect that rather than your story-line.

You should have a comma between "murder" and "an"

Why do you have a semicolon between "one" and "Alzheimer's?"

You should have a comma between "disease" and "finds."

The comma after "case" should be a period.

"Alzheimers" should have an apostrophe since it's a possessive noun.

You have a semicolon instead of an "i" in the word "in."

The last part of your logline is posed as a question, so should be punctuated with a question mark.

Title: I suppose it's figurative, meaning this detective is mentally "crumbling?"

Good luck.

Pete Barry (Level 5)

I really like the title, and the story is compelling. The race-against-time makes for good dramatic material, especially in a crime story.

There's some strange semicolons in the logline, and I'm going to ignore them and assume it's a computer error. There are, however, numerous grammatical errors beyond that. You need a comma after "disease" to set off the phrase. You might want another comma after "unsolved murder". The last phrase, starting with "can he" should be a question and a whole separate sentence. The question itself lessens the power of the setup, you could even change it to "and must hold it together" and it becomes understated and more effective.

The story sounds very interesting, the logline just needs a little more care and attention to sell it.

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5)

I think it is peculiar to me being British, but your title makes me think of a dessert of the same name. Other than that it is a good title for your concept.

I really like the idea behind the story. It has lots of potential for drama and tension.

The craft of the logline is okay although it feels to me like a reordering of some of the content might make it read a little more smoothly.

"#n the case"

Rich Keel (Level 4)

Very interesting idea. To the idea there could be no case at all and it is infact some Alzhiemer's side effect. If that isn't where you were going and want to let me know. I think that could be a great co-writing experience :)

Good logline...one typo which I know you will hear about but doesn't hurt it in my eyes. Good luck this month.

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

This log line has more typos than good qualities and I don't want that to sound mean but it really is avoidable. It's one long sentence, surely someone else could at least look at for you and try to help correct some of it. Another suggestion -- does it matter that it's stage one of the disease? I think it would read better and be more engaging if it did not say how advanced it was. Good luck and please try to proof any contest submissions in the future. It's not only going to help you get your scripts read, it will show respect for the readers and judges who put in hours of time reading submissions. We all want good stories and many won't get read simply because the writer didn't present them in the best way possible.

Robert Decker (Level 2)

Seems a bit silly. I could see it working if it was a different debilitating factor for the main character. Alzheimers just doesn't seem like it would bring any urgency or suspense to the story. The reason for a "poor" rating is due to the poor grammar and lack of punctuation marks.

Ron Hooker (Level 4)

A good title and an interesting and compelling idea for a script, but the overall structure of this logline needs to be improved. There are errors in grammar and punctuation that are distracting. I know this isn't an "English class" contest, but it would serve you well to have somebody proofread your entries to make sure they're clean.

Rosanne Christie (Level 3)

WOW! This is very cool. Is the AZ known? or is he hiding it? Is the break real? or does he just think he finds it? Does his partner see the break? So many cool directions with this. I think just a bit more information and this would sell. Really great job.

Rustom Irani (Moderator)

There are shades of "Memento" in this story with the memory loss plot and trying to find the son's killer.

The logline supplies the foundation of the story but doesn't really hint at where it'll go.

I mean does it really have legs to last a feature? Any other characters he might interact with? How old is aging?

The little typo tells me this was probably rushed in without you having gone over it again.

I would've loved another sentence to throw some more light on what to expect from the story starting with a hint at genre.

The title is apt to the plot.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

The title just doesn't fit the story imho. You've got some errors in the logline. ONe of them is pretty bad putting an ; for an i. If you were to send this logline in, it would not fare well. If you cannot do a simple check and proofing for two lines, how could you be trusted to write a really good solid, as perfect as it can be ... screenplay?

Grammar is off also you need a question mark on the last line and you needed a period after the word case.

Sasha Clancy (Level 4)

Title - Good. It goes well with your logline.

Story - I think the basis of the story is solid. You have several important elements but are also missing some things that will make it better. I don't believe it is in your best interest to end your logline with a question in this instance. IMHO, it would be better to put the struggle into a statement instead and put it in the context of what it means to him to solve the murder.

Craft - This is rather clunky to read as it is right now. You might be better break it into more than one short sentence instead of one, very long one. You have some major typos/grammar issues. I don't take off for that but they need to be fixed if you plan to send this out.

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

Lots of grammar errors and typos in your logline. That's a big no-no. Better fix 'em.

The story sounds pretty good. My only question is this: the aging detective is trying to beat his advancing Alzheimer's to find his son's killer. The Alzheimer's is like a "ticking clock" in this story, but why hasn't the clock been ticking for the past 25 years? Maybe you could explain that a little better in your logline. It would make the story a lot more intriguing. For example, maybe the case has been cold for 25 years, but on the very day he's diagnosed with Alzheimer's an amazing new clue surfaces. But he only writes part of the information down, and because of his Alzheimer's, he can't remember the rest. I'm not trying to write your story for you, but that's an example of how you could jazz your story up using one of your unique story elements -- the detective's Alzheimer's.

Sounds like the basis for a good screenplay, but the logline needs some work (starting with the grammar).

My score: FAIR.

Stacy Milbourn (Level 3)

This seems like a script I would want to read. I love the title, I think it fits really well, and it's simple. The big thing that draws me in is that he has Alzheimers disease, and it makes me wonder what will happen in the end. The age-old detective/revenge story is always good, but could get tired. I like that you change it by putting the twist in there. Very good.

Stephen Brown (Level 5)

Title: Good, descriptive title. Similar in a way to the film 'Falling Down'.

Logline: There's some grammatical errors but the logline is clear enough still. I'm not sure about the Alzheimer's part - I'm not sure it's needed to be honest. An old cop going after his son's killer, 25 years after the crime, says enough.

Summary: Good title and good idea. The Alzheimer's part is the only let down for me. I only hope, if you get through, you'll clear up the errors in your script.

Steve Dexheimer (Level 4)

I love the title and the story sounds really interesting, but truthfully the grammatical and spelling issues hurt your score. If the logline is a preview of the script, or a promise of what you're going to deliver, then these kinds of issues don't help your chances.
But looking beyond that, I can see a kernal of a really great story here. The logline itself needs some fleshing out, though. We get who the main character is, what personal challenge he'll face, and a general sense of the conflict. But the story can't be just about this guy fighting the decay of his mind. What are the consequences? Who is in opposition to him, who wants to keep the murder unsolved? We need a little bit of that to get a sense for where your story will go.

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

punctuation problems & typos made this difficult to read

Tim Ratcliffe (Level 4)

I like the main concept here for your story, finally this guy finds the lead he has been searching for but will it be too late? You've got that ticking time bomb element in here which raises the stakes and makes everything more urgent.

You have a couple of semi-colons in here which look accidental. I would also put a full-stop after 'case' and have 'can he hold it together...' as a seperate sentence. And have a question mark at the end after killer.

Tim Westland (Moderator)

Title: I really like the title.

Logline:
Your sentence structure needs a LOT of work. Did you read this before clicking the SUBMIT button? The word, "in" is not spelled ";n". Man, I cannot stress enough how important it is, even in a free contest, to pay attention to what you are doing. If I were a producer, I'd throw this out immediately - unless the project was so high concept that I couldn't ignore it. But this isn't really high concept. So you'd better be more careful with this sort of thing if you intend to play in Hollywood.

Having said all that, I think you have a good old-fashioned story here. I mean that in a "this sorta has a 'Chinatown' feel to the main character" way.

Unfortunately, you don't provide us with any idea (other than the disease) about what obstacles he'll have to overcome to succeed. Obviously the killer will know he's being pursued and he'll pose some sort of problem that the protag has to overcome. But that's missing here.

If I combine my appreciation for the title and the basic concept, minus the lacking of the logline, I'll give this a Good. But I think you will move on to the next level.

Victor Ojeda (Level 3)

Hmmmmm... Risky subject that. If written well. Could turn into something I might want to see. Not a bad start.... Let's see how far this one goes. Good puck to you :)

Wes Worthing (Level 5)

The sentence structure is off whack, making it a tough read. Your commas are misplaced and end with a question without a question mark. What I do like about this logline is that you give a logical reason for an illogicl scenario. If a detective had alzheimers, then why would he try to track down a killer? You give us the reason: he has a personal tie to the killer. You give us plenty of conflict in one long sentence. I hope the grammar issues don't affect this, but they should play into account since you'll be writing a feature script--you have to give faith to the reader/producer that you can write.

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus)

I think this concept is a fantastic idea. While nothing lacks as far as substance, the execution of the logline needs adjustment. I'm not sure why you chose to use a semi-colon twice unless it's a typo.

Also, I would change the end of the logline, "can he hold it together..." I would relate that last section to your protagonist, "hoping he can hold it together..."

I think the title and concept are excellent. If the logline was executed better, I would mark this as excellent. It's an interesting take on a the crime-story genre.

Comments Made After the Contest

Kevin Carty (Level 4) ~ 3/1/2010 12:09 AM

Thanks. Did not see the typos but at least I know I can continue outlining and run it through some readers.

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 3/1/2010 12:17 AM

I love this story. One of my favorites in the contest. I even told it to my wife and she loved it. I especially love that you are making someone with Alzheimer's the hero.

It's a shame about the typos (which dramatically impacted your score), but this story is truly wonderful and if you haven't already, you damn well better write it.

Tim Westland (Moderator) ~ 3/1/2010 12:46 AM

I thought this would move on to the next level.

Am I wrong with the "Chinatown" reference? That's an awesome thing and the story is unique. Yes, you need to work on the logline, but the concept is a fine one.

I hope you write this script, Kevin.

Kevin Carty (Level 4) ~ 3/1/2010 2:34 AM

Well, yes and no Tim. I'm thinking of writing this with a noir theme. I have tons of research to do. I have another script that I pitched a while back and folks seemed to really like but I'm doing this first.

Chris Keaton (Level 5) ~ 3/1/2010 7:17 PM

Hey, I gave you a VG and forgave you the typo.