Comments Made During the Contest

Aaron Scott (Level 4)

A true story with rights! Very nice. Take advantage of this cuz Hollywood loves the TRUE STORY bit. I also like that you've taken a relatively blah occurrence and added some cool words like bizarre battle and escalating acts of vengeance to hook the reader. Works for me. Excellent job.

Bill Delehanty (Level 4)

Even if this is true and this is based on a book, it shouldn't require you to say so in the logline, and with copyright permission. It's not really important and nobody should care. Just mentioning it is a true story is good enough, although some will doubt if it really is or just a cheap way of making the story more interesting.

Brian Howell (Level 5)

I'm not sure about adding that it is adapted from a book to your logline. It's not my favorite thing, but it kind of helps, right? The one thing I know doesn't work, is you telling me that you've obtained copyright permission. If you're writing anything that is based on or closely tied to another person's work, you better have permission! This is a given, you shouldn't be telling me this. It detracts from your rather excellent logline. I'm new to the site and maybe this has come up before and the moderators have stated that you should include that copyrights have been granted, so I'm not docking you for it, but just be aware that it comes off as unprofessional and amateurish to tell me this. Excellent job on the rest.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

I like the title. I think it's unique and catchy.

The genre appears to be a period piece, political drama.

The logline does a nice job setting up the story, but it doesn't give us a succinct summary of the script, which is what a good logline should do. So there's a battle of wills between the two families... And then what? If the battle of wills takes up most of the second and third act, I think we need more info than just a generalization. Who's the antagonist? What's at stake? Is Hezekiah the protagonist? If so, what qualities does he possess that might endear the audience to him more than just being a two-timing politician? I feel like those are all things that need to be included in a logline. Also, I feel like this could have been tightened up a bit. There are unnecessary words here and I don't think we need to know copyright permission has been granted. If you are adapting a book, it's probably a safe assumption that you're not wasting your time adapting material to which you do not have the rights.

There were no errors in grammar, spelling or punctuation that I noticed.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

I do think that all the legal details you put in this logline completely detracted from the story. Absolutely NOT what I would want in a logline, which is meant to compel me to see the film, or at least read the script.Not to mention the use of capital letters. It simply made me think good grief, is this what the full script will be like with anti-litigation treatise at every turn? If so, not for me.

I accept the use of the man's name since it is true life, and I like the title. The story COULD be interesting.

Please lose the last two sentences if you don't want to lose your audience in a trice!

Chris Keaton (Level 5)

Title could work. Thanks for the slug saying you have the screen rights to this. I would like to see a more traditional logline though. Overall not bad.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

I love this title even though I have no idea how it connects to the story. There is something inherently interesting about it.

This story seems fascinating. But your logline is a bit cumbersome. I think for a logline, you can just get away with saying it is based on a true story.

Craig Ramirez (Level 2)

Hmmm, well the logline interested me enough that I went to wikipedia and did a little research on the guy, so I think that's a good sign. Quite an interesting character. That said, I think you can still do a little more work to make it a bit more stream lined.

I would lose this line - "Adapted from the book, SMITHVILLE - THE RESULT OF ENTERPRISE. Copyright permission has been granted."

Also, since this is a historical piece I think you might mention the fact that he hales from New Jersey.

Dan Delgado (Level 5)

Dear Sir or Madam,

Thank you for your logline submission: "Bicycletown"

This is set-up and not really the story, unless the whole story is the feuding between the Smith clan and whoever the other family is. I've never heard of the book and mentioning it in the logline seems like a waste of space. I certainly don't need to know that you have permission to use a book that (until now) I didn't know existed.

Having said that, I'm more interested in knowing what the story is about. Hezekiah gets elected to Congress and now we find out that the scumsucker was already married and has two wives. Hopefully for Hezekiah's sake there is a good explanation for his bigamy. But if there is you didn't let me know. Are the feuding families prominent families? That might be interesting. What are they feuding about exactly? If Hezekiah actually has two wives and there is no good explanation or excuse, he broke the law. So from what I know, he's in the wrong. Is there any reason why I should be rooting for him? If there is, you haven't told me why. At this point Hezekiah is a very unsympathetic character.

I have no idea, from the logline, how the title "Bicycletown" connects to all of this.

Your logline doesn't fill our current or anticipated needs. Please do not send the screenplay.

Thank you.

Dan Lennox (Level 5)

Interesting story concept, but this logline is mess. It actually starts out okay, but then fizzles after the first sentence. The purpose of the logline is "capture" your audiences attention and draw them into the idea of the story so they want to see more. Nobody cares if you have copyright permission, or from what book it's based on... Especially your audience. Save that stuff for the end credits of the film.

The first sentence is actually good and it hooks me because I'm wanting to know more about this Hezkiah guy. Get rid of the rest and use that space to paint a compelling and primal story that gets your audience wanting to see more.

Darren Coyle (Level 2)

I think it sounds like an interesting story, despite the logline. The logline uses very passive language: especially the verbs. The wife is discovered. Life takes a detour. You want people DOING things - active verbs. The true-life story set a new standard for acts of vengeance and battle of wills - show that. Telling me it's crazy doesn't make me believe you.

And why are the families fighting? Is it after his death? Was he rich? What state was he elected in? If it's Utah, it might not be such a big deal. Other than the year, I don't get a sense of the world of the film. Is this a comedy? Drama?

David Birch (Level 5)

love period pieces...an adaptation skirts the line of "originality" that the contest promotes...but i'll play it down the middle because i do enjoy a good bio-pic...so if your idea is well received, i'll probably enjoy the read...good luck...

Dawn Calvin (Level 5)

I am not sure the title has a clear connection to the logline. Maybe the story does, but it is not clear here.
I like the second sentence very much.
I think the second sentence should be the logline - period.
Good luck with this.

Derek Bailey (Level 3)

I like the fact that I know that this is a true story period piece, but the first sentence confuses me. First, people with three names don’t need to be mentioned in a logline. Just go with "A Local Politicians’ life...". Also, the first sentence makes me wonder who discovered the second wife, because it sounds like he did. He should have already known about her. So if someone else discovered it, let me know so I can imagine someone snooping into his personal life and wreaking havoc.

DW Pollard (Level 4)

I don't know who Hezekiah Bradley Smith is, so the logline meant very little to me in that respect. And probably because I don't know the history, I didn't understand how the title related to the logline. I don't think information regarding the copyright needs to be in a logline.

The part of the logline mentioning "escalating acts of vengeance and a bizarre battle of wills" does pique one's interest.

E. B. Sekuler (Level 2)

Story has a lot of potential, but needs more specifics.

The log line raises los of questions. Who is the lead character in the other family? Is that person the primary antagonist, or is is something more general? Is the revelation of his polygamy the main catalyst, and if so what new realm/journey does Hezekiah embark on because of this?

I am not sure how the title connects with the story.

Log line doesn't give a good indication of genre or tone.

If you already have the rights and there's good material to mine here,
consider reworking the log line, sharpening the story and start writing!!

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

The logline was great until: "Adapted from the book, SMITHVILLE - THE RESULT OF ENTERPRISE. Copyright permission has been granted." I would cut that last two sentences. I usually don't like names in loglines but, in this case, it works. The title is great! I rate this entry as VERY GOOD.

Felice Bassuk (Level 4)

Title is unusual though from what you have here I don't see the connection. Sounds like a compelling story and I'd like to read it. Your first sentence really draws me in. The second gets a bit cliched and muddied with the expression, "set a new standard for escalating acts of vengeance." Perhaps you could say something like: "A true life story of vengeance and the struggle for control between two powerful feuding families."

Herman Chow (Level 5)

It's good that you setup the premise with the first sentence. But I feel there is a gap of information between your first and second sentence. So Smith actually has an affair, and then where did the two feuding families come from? Smith's family and his wife's family?

I can feel there is a lot more story going on here, but you need to provide something more concrete, not just acts of vengeance and battle of wills, to elicit more interest.

It's good that you got the copyright permission, congrat.

GOOD.

James Hughes (Level 5)

I am not sure what the title has to do with the story, assuming it would make sense after seeing the film.
It does not seem that the logline is bringing out the emotion of the story. For this true story to have generated a book and a film script points to the fact that these events must have been quite unusual and exciting. However, the logline makes the story seem kind of dull. It would be good to energize the logline a little more.

Jeannie Sconzo (Level 5)

I like the logline and congrats on getting permission for the adaptation. However, could you somehow tie in the title?

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

Um, you didn't really tell us what the story was about? Okay, Bradly is a congressman and he has a second family. That's pretty interesting, but what happens next? I think you focused on the facts and impact of this story other than the actual story itself.

Good title, though. Logline needs a lot of work.

Joel Davis (Level 5)

I don't think this contest is open to adaptations, even if you have copyright permission. But I'll review it anyways.

I think the biggest obstacle with this is that it's based on historical events that few people have heard of. Also, it's not clear from this who the protagonist is, is it Smith? and is he trying to keep his second wife a secret? Who are the two families and why are they feuding?

Lots of really, really rich setting and backdrop here but you don't tell us enough about the story itself.

John LaBonney (Level 4)

Sounds like an interesting story, something I would be interested in reading. It's interesting enough that I'd be willing to overlook any weaknesses in the logline and pick it up. I think mentioning the copyright bit isn't necessary in the logline though.

John Ward (Level 3)

The title is intriguing, but how does it fit the story? I don't know who this guy is, so you have to sell me a bit more on why I want to watch this film. Is Smith the protagonist? I think you sell me on the set-up - guy gets elected, dark secret emerges from closet etc...but what happens then? Why is it important that this guy is in congress? Is he trying to do something, push some bill which he can't because of the scandal? The fact that you have copyright permission is good, but this doesn't help sell me the story - it's just something that makes pre-production much simpler. My suggestion would be to expand a bit on the logline, pick up a coherent thread in the story that will grab me and then leave me hanging. Its not bad, but I think you could make this work really well with a bit more thought.

Jonah Yarden (Level 4)

Um...this isn't a logline and i don't know why you included legalities..Sounds a lot like Gangs of New York and i wasn't fond of that movie. So as a logline it's poor and as a story i haven't been engaged. sorry.

Kevin Carty (Level 4)

Really. Hezekiah Bradley Smith. Love how you put the Caps. This makes me want to read the book and not the script. You use names. You don't have to put out the explaination. Just give us the idea. You aren't selling the idea to me and it isn't original and that's the worse part for me.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

The logline could be tweaked I think. When HIS second wife is discovered...by who by the way? You could include that, I think for clarity. Or state that when the public learns about him being a polygamist etc. Because that's what I infer from it, he's a polygamist, right? But it took me time to get it and I'm not even sure if I got it right.

Then there's a leap to vengeance and battle of wills between the two families - I don't understand which ones. If he's a polygamist then it's two of his families? And why they are "feuding" families?
Good I think. Could be better perhaps.

Kirk White (Level 5)

sounds good. this kind of movie is not my cup of tea but you've conveyed the premise quite nicely.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

This story appears to be historical-drama.
Movies based on true-life experiences are particularly intriguing. Whoever Mr. Smith is, in addition to the namesake of the "Smithville" book, there are some compelling events in his life.
Seems he is elected to Congress and encounters difficulties when it's revealed he has "a second wife."
The title is interesting, but there's no reference to it in the logline. Apparently Mr. Smith's life is filled with "acts of vengeance," but there's no hint as to why. It's unclear who "the two feuding families" are that are battling.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

That title is kind of a long word. I'm not sure about the genre just from looking at it, although I'd guess a fantasy-comedy... Well, I didn't figure that it was a true-life feud history. Maybe you might want to consider a title change?

"set a new standard for" I'm not sure what that means. It seems to say that we measure all feuding families against these guys, but I'm not sure that's true.

As is so often the case with true life stories, I think there are a few too many unnecessary details in this logline, such as Smith's actual name. "a second wife is discovered" just sounds too passive, as well. Wouldn't you be better off saying it this way: "A newly-elected Congressman commits bigamy and sparks a feud with the first wife's family" or whatever. I think there's more immediate interest in a Congressman than in some long name that we probably don't recognize.

Loren Prendergast (Level 3)

TITLE: I do not know this story at all, but for some reason I really like this title. It just sounds good.

STORY: This could be interesting, a good oldschool political drama sounds neat. I'm not sure which two families are feuding, is it the family of the second wife? or the family of his political opponent. Either way, I like the idea.

GRAMMAR/STRUCTURE: I think this is worded well and I mostly follow the whole thing. The only problem was mentioned before when the second family was brought up but not really introduced. Other than that, I think this section is pretty solid too.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

The title is okay.

I'm not sure how to review this. The format isn't familiar to me.

You do have all the information I'm looking for, though, and the premise is really intriguing. I really like that you included the last sentence. It somehow amps up the intrigue.

I'd love to see the first ten pages.

Very good work.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

This is an odd logline. Very informational. Makes me think it'll come off more like a documentary than a story.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

"Adapted from the book, SMITHVILLE - THE RESULT OF ENTERPRISE. Copyright permission has been granted."
I'm not familiar with this book, and normally you wouldn't put it in the logline that it was based on this, but for the purposes of this contest I'm glad you did. However, unless there was a lot of original research in the book that you're using or a way of telling the story that you're using from the book, I would say you wouldn't need permission if you used enough different (and reliable) sources.

This sounds really great. I love the idea of taking all these modern scandals and taking them back in time, showing that politicians weren't much different that time either, especially as it's a true story. This logline is also written very well.

Excellent.

Matias Caruso (Level 5)

Well, it looks like some powerful people will do some nasty things to each other, which is good. The conflict is strong here.

The tone and the genre are clear. Looks like a dark political drama. The plotline though, is a bit blurry right now. A couple of suggestions:

Who’s the protagonist? The congressman that had a second wife? It’s okay to have a flawed protagonist as long as he has some sort of redeeming quality that allows the audience to jump into his skin and care about him.

It the congressman is the main character then you might want to look if there’s something good about him and bring that to the surface.

“This true life story set a new standard for escalating acts of vengeance and a bizarre battle of wills between the two feuding families.”

I would suggest being a bit more specific about this. Who’s fighting who? For what?

And more importantly, how does this escalating fight affect the protagonist? If you were adapting “Romeo and Juliet” you would mention in the logline that there’s a battle between two feuding families. But the heart of the logline would be that this fight threatens to destroy the relationship between two characters that genuinely love each other.

That element seems to be missing here. What is the heart of this story? Are these "escalating acts of vengeance” threatening to destroy something the audience might care about? What would that be?

Good luck.

Matthew Fettig (Level 5)

Title - Interesting name though I'm not sure how much that invention will play into your script.

Logline - Since this is a true story, the log line is more fact-based than a glimpse into something unknown.

Story - A quick google of the title character makes this seem like a potentially very interesting story.

Micah Ricke (Level 4)

Lose: "Adapted from the book, SMITHVILLE - THE RESULT OF ENTERPRISE. Copyright permission has been granted." I don't think this is at all necessary. No one's going to run to their nearest library and check out this book. "Adapted from the book..." could be persuasive if it were a current New York Times best seller, but it's not.

"This true life story set a new standard for escalating acts of vengeance and a bizarre battle of wills between the two feuding families." This line is clumsy. I don't find the fact that it's a true story a reason to go see this movie let alone read the script.

The first sentence is pretty good.

The title is a tad boring.

Best regards.

Michael Alberstadt (Level 4)

The title is an intriguing one. While it isn't clear what the movie is about from the title, it does give a sense of time (bicycles vs. cars).

In general, this is a good logline. It introduces a provocative character and suggests political scandal, always a fun premise for a movie. The fact that it's a true story is particularly interesting, and should attract an audience. Overall, it is concise, introduces the character well and creates the promise of a lot of conflict.

I'm not sure if the last two sentences are necessary; they seem more legal points than parts of a logline.

Good job!

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

title is very humorous which doesn't really fit with the logline. I'm not sure how the title fits at all.

logline opens with a hell of a mouthful about someone I've never heard of.

Your story starts well with the first sentence setting things up but then it tails off into a vague sort of generalisation with no goals or stakes and then yells the title of a book at us.

How does the back cover of the book describe this story?

A logline should be similar to that. Clear and concise.

Oliver Webb (Level 3)

You should never need to mention that you have copyright permission for the work "in" the logline. Any professional in the biz would assume YOU better have it. Cut that out! Focus more on the Smith's life story. Tell us what does the two families do that would, " set a new standard for escalating acts of venegence." It sounds like the story may be a blend of Romeo and Juliet meets mark and mark stanford and his Argentinean lover.

Paul De Vrijer (Level 5)

I like the detail in this, but I can't see it visually. I can't picture what is going to happen now, besides 'his life taking a detour'. Wish there was more to it that I could know. I love the set-up, but there isn't much Story here. There is probably, but the logline doesnt convey it.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

Well, I guess if there's already a book about this guy, that means his story is dramatic enough to tell everyone.

A second wife discovered in today's world would be scandalous, never mind in 1878, so I can only imagine the uproar.

Tell us a little more about Smith: How old is he? What State is he from? Political views in the post-Civil War America? Etc...

Which two families? Smith's and his second wife's?

Title: As per your logline, I have no idea how it relates to your story.

Pete Barry (Level 5)

It sounds like an interesting historical tale, and it looks like publishers have already given the story the thumbs up. The title is catchy and original.

It's too bad that the copyright issues have to take up half the log line. I would have accepted the script without the disclaimers and worried about the rights later. It is, after all, a "true life story", so if you do your research, I don't see what rights have to be given, other than from the estate.

The real problem here is that you don't give me enough detail as to what the "bizarre battle of wills" entails. You tell me, essentially, that lots of craziness is going to happen, but the proof is in the pudding - I need some idea as to how crazy. You could have given me a few details of the story in the space you took for your copyright disclaimers.

The story's obviously got legs if it's been published - put some work into revising the log line, given the reader some idea of what direction the story is going in.

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5)

I like the title. It has a good intriguing feel to it.

The story sounds interesting. However within your logline you've not given much detail on what the core story of the movie is likely to be. The descriptions are general rather than specific so it's difficult to form a view on how the movie might play out.

Rich Keel (Level 4)

Could be good. Where does the "Fueding-families" come in? Maybe I should have read the book. :)

The logline seems fgood to me and I enjoy the title but I'm not sure where it fits but I'm sure the final script wil answer that :)

Good luck to you this month.

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

I like this for several reasons. I have to know how the title fits with the movie. Instantly, I want to know more. Great job there. I love the period piece and auto-intrigue to a 'second wife.' The escalating acts of tension provide a great map for the narrative and I feel like, as I'm reading this, I'm anxious to start reading the script. To cap it off, you provide the source of your story just in case any reader might be familiar with the story and you let us know the answer to a key question with any true story -- do you have the rights to tell this story. Excellent work. I hope you move on so that I can be treated to more from you.

Rob Gross (Level 4)

True stories are desirable. The title sounds original and interesting. Who are "the two feuding families?" Do you need "adapted from the book, ...?" Not sure it is needed, but I won't mark down fot that.

This sounds like another "political scandal" story, that is very common today.

Ron Hooker (Level 4)

I have mixed feelings about this one.

I love the fact that you plan on writing a screenplay based on historical facts, and I commend you for it. I've never tried it, but I know it's a difficult endeavor to tackle because of the immense amount of research and man-hours that are required. I wish you the best of luck on this project (by the way, I was so intrigued, I did a little research of my own on H.B. Smith, and the Wikipedia page claims he was elected to the 46th United States Congress on March 4, 1879, not 1878 as noted in your logline. I just wanted to point that out in case it conflicts with information you may have already gathered).

But I must make a point about everything you include in your logline AFTER the first sentence. That information is a disclaimer, and disclaimers should never be presented in a logline. Anything regarding legal interpretations and/or copyright permissions that have been granted are completely secretarial in nature, and are handled across glass tables behind closed doors before the movie is filmed. If you MUST mention that the story is based on actual facts, then your logline should look something like this:

"The true-life account of Hezekiah Bradley Smith, and how the discovery of his bigamy affected his life after being elected to Congress in 1878 (1879)."

Your logline should be a description of what the movie is about, nothing more. If you've been granted permission to write the screenplay after taking the necessary legal steps to ensure you're not guilty of infringement, that's great, but that information shouldn't be presented in your logline.

Rosanne Christie (Level 3)

The fact that this is a true story is great, love that. I became a little lost in your description of the plot. I ended up looking up Smith and finding out of his bigamy charge. I think this is an important fact to include in the set up other wise I wasn't sure what the reference to the "second wife" was. I am a little lost on the title as well, not sure how that plays into the plot. There is a strong story here I am sure, you just have to select and highlight the right details to grab the readers attention.

Rustom Irani (Moderator)

Wiki supplied me with information about your subject and I think concentrating your script around the families was an interesting and smart choice considering the political backdrop.

Love the title.

The one thing I"m wondering about is the length and commercial aspect of this endeavor. Since he isn't as well known as some major political, historical figures you'll have to be extremely selective in the portrayal of his life to make a feature length enjoyable.

I wasn't too happy with last years true to life historical autobiographical script, hope this one makes me like it.

I'll decide that upon reading the ten pages.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

I like your title. I'm not sure what it has to do with the movie, but I am sure that will become evident, when there is more to read about the story.

I am not sure you need to call it a 'true life' story. Maybe based on true events would be stronger. I'm intrigued though, I would like to read more. I'm torn between good and very good, just because I don't think you need to tell in the logline that it is an adaptation and that copyright permission has been granted.

Sasha Clancy (Level 4)

Title - I'm assuming it's an historical reference to a place in your story. It's meaning isn't clear from your logline.

Story - I did an historical drama last year for this contest and the one thing I had several people caution me on in my logline is that it is very easy for historically-based loglines to read like they belong on the Biography Channel or the History Channel. If you want to separate yours from a TV documentary, you need to add a little more meat about the story.

Craft - I think it's good to set up that this is a true story. I like how you've put it in the second sentence. I really like the first sentence and I wish you'd stopped with it (except for the true story part). To me, "set a new standard for escalating acts of vengeance and a bizarre battle of wills between two feuding families." weakens your logline. The first sentence is intriguing, the second less so. I don't know who this guy is and I don't know which families are involved so I have no natural reason to care about something that happened in 1878. IMHO, your job with the logline is to make me care. The first sentence does that. The second does not.

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

Oh, rats! The first sentence of this logline is fantastic. Then the second sentence drifts off into fuzzy land. The phrase "sets a new standard for escalating acts of vengeance" doesn't really say anything. It's just words, words, words. C'mon, give us a hint what this is about.

And what do you mean by "a bizarre battle of wills between the two feuding families"? What's a battle of wills? I mean, when you say your movie is about a battle of wills, what can we expect to see on the screen? And just who ARE the two feuding families? The families of the wives? And what does all this have to do with him being elected to Congress?

You have a potentially great historical drama here, but your logline doesn't do it justice.

My score: GOOD.

Stephen Brown (Level 5)

Title: I'm sure it has relevance to the story but it doesn't stand out as the title of a feature film I would go and see.

Logline: Interesting to have an adaptation in the mix and also sounds like an interesting story. The logline's well written and I'd be interested in taking a look at your first ten pages.

Summary: Not blown away by the title but the logline intrigues me.

Steve Dexheimer (Level 4)

Sounds like a solid project, and the fact that you've secured rights to the material is a plus. My only issue is that the subject matter is only interesting at best, more of a novelty. I'm sure in 1878 this would have been big news, but in today's world this barely raises an eyebrow. If this were the story of a well known and trusted historical figure that would be different, but since it's someone most of us don't know I'm afraid there will be only marginal interest in the project.
However, you do reference acts of vengeance and a bizarre battle of wills. Maybe that's where the hook comes from, and maybe it would be have been better to focus on these or at least highlight one. How bizarre was it, this battle of wills? Bizare enough to rattle even today's jaded readers? Good luck with the project!

Tim Westland (Moderator)

Unfortunately, this isn't a very complete logline.

Although it is important for a producer/agent/director/etc to know if this is an adaptation, and what the source material is called... and that you have permission... NONE of that belongs in a logline. That blows it to smithereens right away.

The first sentence starts things ok... but the second sentence fails to continue to tell me about Smith's actual challenge, what obstacle(s) he'll face and how he might overcome them.

Victor Ojeda (Level 3)

If the book you are basing this logline is good, it remains uncertain because the logline fails to grab my attention and/or interest. It needs a bi of reworking.

Wes Worthing (Level 5)

Bravo. You leave me thinking that I can see the whole story. I want to watch this to find out why someone would want to have two wives, especially someone in the public eye. I'm curious about title. Excellent. Hope this moves on.

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus)

While I'm sure that this will be a very interesting story when completed, I do not think the logline reads very well -- especially the disclaimer at the end of the logline. If permission has been granted, I do not think it's necessary to state that. I would like to see a logline that sticks to the story and doesn't explain adaptations, etc...

Comments Made After the Contest