Comments Made During the Contest

Aaron Scott (Level 4)

I like the potential of this idea, but I don't think there is enough here for me to connect with this world.

I do have to say that a timid plumber and a hospital for the criminally "sane" did catch my attention in the positive.

I do wish you luck with the writing of the screenplay.

Adam Grage (Level 4)

Right now you have a very basic story which could go a few different directions. But since it doesn't have any unique flavor to it. I'm not sure if this is just a remake of any King Arthur/Gladitor/Braveheart flavor. You don't have to present all the details in the logline however just putting in some kind of twist of the usual story can make it different.

It has to have your 'stamp' on it and then you can truly call your own ( and that can be difficult) But I do want to clarify that you have a great start here. You do have a story--a backbon--mind you to work with.

I would find something in the story and incorporated within the chatracters to make it all stand out in some way because it will pull people into the story more.

Bill Delehanty (Level 4)

Should it be a devious princess (not prince)? Sounds like a cool mid-evil story setting. How much effort did you put into this not turning out cliche? Good title though.

Brian Howell (Level 5)

The first thing you should probably do is change that he escapes death to he faces death, or something similar. Telling us that he will be up against death adds tension and intrigue, but telling us he escapes death is giving away that he lives; there won't be tension or drama to his quest. I'm a little confused at the last statement. Is the priest challenging the men? Are there two men being challenged? Is the challenge to one man with a conflict of emotion and oath? And one more tip, instead of starting by having the knight lose those things, just say that the king takes them. You change from the passive voice to the assertive, voice of action; which is much better sounding and more professional.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

The title is unique, catchy and appropriate for the script you've laid out.

The genre is pretty clear. I'd guess historical action/drama.

The logline is very well done. The first sentence gives us a great overview of the entire script and the second fills it out nicely. Protagonist and antagonist are both identified, as is the hero's ally, his goal and the obstacles he will need to overcome in order to succeed.

There are no errors in punctuation, spelling or grammar that I noticed.

All things considered, this is one of the most well-rounded loglines I've come across thus far. (I just crossed the halfway point on my reviews.) I wish I had more constructive criticism for you, but you obviously know what you're doing and don't need it. Great job. I look forward to reading your first 10 pages.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

Uh? The prince is a woman? This is very confusing. He loses his love to a devious prince? He's gay?

Perhaps if you changed the word 'love'?!

One man's bloodlust? The knight's bloodlust? You change voices mid-sentence, starting with 'he' then changing 'he' to 'one man'

Good traditional tale but the logline needs work to make it less ambiguous.

Chris Keaton (Level 5)

The will of the king, sounds pompous. Which sentence is this movie about? I'm sure both things happen, but what is essential for the core of the story? Do we need to know who he crosses paths with? Or the devious prince? You need to boil it to the core and just give that.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

Great title. It feels dramatic, strong, and it fits the story perfectly.

I think this logline is very good. The story is clear and I am definitely interested in it. If I had one complaint/suggestion it would be to try and find some unique angle to this story. As it is, it feels like very familiar territory and I wish the hook was more unique.

Still, I liked this a lot and I hope I get to read more.

Damien Deefholts (Level 3)

It looks on the surface to be a good story...On further reading it got really confusing.

the Will of the King...what does the will of the king have to do to the story. Did he help the knight escape?...is he the antagonist? I can understand that it might be the kings will to have him sentenced to death, but the main antagonist seems to be the devious prince.

antagonist... who is the antagonist? the King?...the devious prince?...or the chivalrous priest?

is this a buddy movie? if so why would the priest and the knight be crossing paths?

I really like the last line of this one. (– challenging one man's bloodlust for vengeance and the other man's oath of forgiveness.) This is the heart of the story...and I love it. the bits before hand made this line more confusing that it should have.

Dan Delgado (Level 5)

Dear Sir or Madam,

Thank you for your logline submission: "The Will Of The King"

A crystal clear story, with a real motivation and well defined characters. I want to see it! Nice work.

The title pulls you into the right era.

We look forward to reading the screenplay, please send it as soon as possible.

Thank you.

Dan Lennox (Level 5)

You have the makings for a decent story here, but as it stands, it seems a bit boring/cliche. My question is what's at stake here. Is our battle-scared knight risking all to get his freedom, birthright, and love back? Although this logline doesn't grip me, I'd still be interested in seeing this story. Work on focusing on the story and tightening up the logline to convey a compelling story.

David Birch (Level 5)

i'm not sure about what his love to a prince implies???...then you involve a priest???...we all know what that can lead to...what causes him to lose his freedom?...that seems to be the incident that puts your story in motion...so clue us in...what makes him so vengeful?...the title seem to be "unrelated" to your logline...where will a king come into play???...

Dawn Calvin (Level 5)

Awesome title. This sounds epic. I think the logline can be shortened. You don't really talk about his love, but then you mention her as HER.
Who is she, do we care?

DW Pollard (Level 4)

I think this logline was complete after the first sentence. The second sentence, though important to the overall flair of the script, does very little to furhter the logline's main story.

There's something about the title that I'm not excited about, but I'm not sure what. What I do like abhout it is that it sets the era of the film very well.

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

This feels more like a hybrid cross between a tagline, and a logline. "Challenging one man's bloodlust for vengeance, and the other man's oath of forgiveness." That bit shouts tagline to me.

I kind of like it. A clear story with all elements present. Very Good.

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

Be careful when you use pronouns. Example: HE escapes... Is the HE the battle-scarred knight or the devious prince. Not sure as written. Also, is it important to mention the priest in the logline. I would suggest that just focusing on the knight and the prince might be better. No feelings about the title. Not crazy about the title but don't hate it either.

Felice Bassuk (Level 4)

Not sure how this title fits, but I assume it will be revealed later on. Sounds like a compelling story, though the logline is not clear on first reading. The phrase "his love to a devious prince" was the first thing that stopped me. Then the phrase "he escapes death to win her back" refers to only one of the problems just mentioned and "settle the score" seems like an afterthought. His encounter with the priest sounds interesting, but it's unclear who experiences which challenge and what the significance of these challenges is. As a reader of 106 loglines, I want to be intrigued by the logline; it loses points if I have to puzzle through it. "Of" and "The" should not be capitalized in the title.

Fred Koszewnik (Level 5)

"The Will of the King" doesn't strike me as having a lot of personal appeal to it.
The strongest part of the logline is "Challenging one man's bloodlust for vengeance and the other man's oath of forgiveness." This has a wonderful sing song feeling and the wording has a strength to it that's simply fun to verbalize in the saying of it. If you were to write, he "must" escape death - it sounds more challenging and actively adventuresome than if you give the game away from the get go and simply write he escapes death.

Garrett Box (Level 4)

It sounds well thought out, but it also sounds like a million other stories I've seen and read. Something happens to good guy, good guy must go against bad buy to get back princess, It's the plot to every Mario game except that Luigi is a priest.

James Hughes (Level 5)

"his love to a devious prince" sounds like that phrase is what he lost rather than that his love was the last of three things he lost to the devious prince. Maybe this sentence can be reworded.

It took me a couple of times reading the last part after the "-". It was difficult to understand at first. I still am not sure I quite understand it. Does it mean that, through their relationship, the main character starts to second guess his plot for revenge and the priest starts to break his oaths?

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

I thought this was a gay story, but I guess you meant princess. Very big mistake.

What is the priest doing? is he trying to stop the Knight or is he aiding him?

This is just basically a revenge story but back in the day.

You should have put "and" in between "his freedom, his birthright"

The title is okay.

This logline didn't really grasp my attention.

Jem Rowe (Level 4)

Hmmm, the title doesn't seem quite right but I can't put my finger on why. I think it may be that the double "the" makes it clunky. Perhaps play with "Will of the King" or "By Will of the King". However, the tone is very consistent with that of the logline which is good.

The story seems a little unoriginal and typical of the genre. I feel it could have been patched together from a few other medieval action movies. The Medieval world is a nice one to be writing for but try and give us something we haven't seen before.

The craft is very good in general but in my opinion a few tweaks are needed. "he escapes death to win her back", I understand you mean something along the lines of "he risks his life", but to me "escapes death" has a different effect to this. Also I'm not sure "chivalrous" is the best way to describe the priest since the term is so closely related to knighthood, it's a bit like saying the knight meets a priest who has the qualities of a knight. Hope that made sense :)

Joel Davis (Level 5)

Huzzah! About time we got some more high fantasy up in this place.

Classic setup and well done, too. He's got a clear antagonist and a razor sharp goal.

It may have been stronger if you'd stopped at the first sentence. The priest just muddles the waters a bit.

You do need a bit to tell us what sets this story apart -- what makes this unique and particularly compelling?

But already, the core of a classic fantasy is there, great title and strong setup.

John LaBonney (Level 4)

Perhaps you mean princess instead of prince? All I can really discern from the logline is that it's a medieval adventure where a knight faces some challenges, but I can't get a solid grip on the true storyline.

Jonah Yarden (Level 4)

This log line completely lost me and im not in the practice of reading them twice if they dont pique some interest in the first reading. Sorry- try a more simplistic and academic approach to logline construction.

Jose Batista (Level 5)

A good premise, but it doesn’t touch on the title. You mention a king in the title itself, but the logline speaks of a knight and a priest only. No allusion to what the king’s will can possibly be. Battle-scarred sounds more like a toy figure that bears the marks of war. Knights usually are experienced when they enter the scene, so you could have gone with a better description of his disposition. The premise itself is one that has been used many times over, from the Count of Monte Cristo to Robin Hood and everything else in between, but most of them do a good job of adopting a theme for their hero. You don’t present an angle here that distinguishes this story from the others. Yeah, the chivalrous priest is a nice touch that does offer the possibility for a good character arc, but I feel that is something that should be intrinsic to the script and not a major point of attraction. What’s special about this Knight that sets him apart from the rest and warrants a film of his exploits?

Katie Va (Level 3)

This seems like you have a clear idea in your head, however, it doesn't translate in this logline. I don't quite understand what the focus of the script will be.
However, you do set up the mood and setting of the piece very well.

Kelley Donnelly (Level 2)

Very good idea, I can't wait to see what you do with the script! I love the whole Aurthurian genre, and you could do a lot with this plot. I only have one question, you say "his love to a devious prince", do you mean princess, or "love" as in a devotional sense? Just wondering, but otherwise very good!

Kevin Carty (Level 4)

Pretty good. For once it doesn't take the path of a kid must travel to a magical land that he his the ruler of. I'm sick of that fairy stuff. You're not going to do that are you. You better not. I want to read this.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

It took me couple of reads to get it and I'm still not sure about the second sentence.
What's the challenge about? And who has bloodlust for vengeance, the knight? If yes, it's a little unconventional to have blood loving knight in what seems to be a family friendly movie.
It sounds like movie for kids and I think that the logline should go along with the genre. It's not a horror, is it?
Other than that it's good.

Kirk White (Level 5)

seems like a take on the Gladiator mythos...the last sentence is a bit clunky and awkward...would be interested in the movie based on the concept, not this execution

KP Mackie (Level 5)

This story appears to be an action-drama period piece. Might be some romance, too, if the knight can win back "his love."
Lots of visual potential in this kingdom. Intriguing twist to align the knight with a "chivalrous" priest, injecting conflict between their two ideologies. Could be a "buddy" picture, with an opportunity for the vengeful knight to change.
Interesting title, although there's only a knight, a prince, and a priest mentioned in the logline. Perhaps the "King" is the Prince's father and he has the last word.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

The title is a little generic. Of course, you could easily name a character Will, but please don't. That'd be too clever for anyone's good.

This story sounds rather like "LadyHawke" from the 1990s. I'd suggest you see it (if you haven't), so that you make sure that your story doesn't overlap too much. That one also had the guy on a road to vengeance with an obliging priest/monk.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

The title's pretty good.

I'm not crazy about the 'her,' but I'm not sure how you could say it better, either.

This has all of the information I'm looking for. The premise is interesting and well stated.

Very good work.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

I liked the first sentence but the second one really confused me. I love knight stories though. Maybe I'll have to give you an oath of forgiveness for confusing me, just so I can read it. :)

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

This sounds like a good medieval epic.

You've set up an interesting and detailed dynamic between the characters that I like. Every word is used for maximum description and impact.

This is one of the few loglines I've read that feels like it has enough material in it to be a complete movie. The theme is pretty much summed up in the last sentence, but it isn't made too obvious.

One complaint I'd have would be that 'his love' is a bit underdeveloped, but maybe that reflects the film, which wouldn't be such a problem. It did make me read it again to see what 'win her back' referred to.

Excellent.

Martin Lancaster (Level 4)

Great logline. Conveys the external and internal conflict and establishes the world in which the story takes place.

Not my genre but this sounds like a solid story.

Matias Caruso (Level 5)

I get the first sentence. It sums up the plotline pretty well. The concept is not strikingly original, but has enough conflict and I can definitely see a movie here.

The protagonist, his goal, the obstacles, and the stakes are clearly laid out.

I'm not a big fan of the second sentence. It's not as clear as the first and it seems more related to a subplot (the relationship between the knight and the priest) than the plot (the knight's struggle to settle the score with the prince).

"challenging one man's bloodlust for vengeance"

I'm not sure, but does this mean that the priest tries to dissuade the knight from killing the devious prince?

"and the other man's oath of forgiveness."

Sorry, but I have no idea what this means and how it connects to the rest of the story. Sounds like something that can't be explained in just a few words.

It's cool to have subplots in the script that enrich the main plotline but, most of the times, they are better left out of the logline.

IMHO, this logline would be much tighter and effective if you just keep the first sentence.

Very Good, though.

Hope you make it to the next round.

Matthew Fettig (Level 5)

Title - I like the title but I don't see any reference to a king in the story.

Logline - I hate to be s stickler for punctuation, but it does affect what you are saying in your log line. As you have it written, the knight loved the devious prince. There should be a comma between "birthright" and "and" so that we know he lost his freedom, he lost his birthright, and he lost his love. All of these were lost to a devious prince. It gets more complicated as the sentence continues because the devious prince then becomes the "her" that the knight wins back.

Story - Depending on why the knight lost his freedom, and assuming what you mean is not what you wrote in the log line, there could be potential to the story. But there is nothing terribly unique here, so it would have to be some good writing.

Micah Ricke (Level 4)

It doesn't really 'crackle' for me, but I cannot complain too much. Your structure is okay. I would lose the "When" at the opening, and use "the woman he loves" rather than "his love".

Well... that's all the good I am going to be.

Best regards.

Michael Hoffman (Level 4)

The title is a little generic for the genre but certainly fitting in the context of the story.

Your logline is very well written, paced and detailed. It lays out all of the necessary elements and I like many of your descriptive word choices. Makes it a more enjoyable read and help convey the tone of the script.

My biggest issue is just originality of the idea. There is nothing in here that separates this from countless other similar tales. It's a shame because I'm sure you have some tricks up your sleeve but they don't shine though in this logline. Also, I don't quite understand how the 'one man's bloodlust and another's oath of forgiveness' fits into the parameters that you have laid out.

Still solid work. Good luck with it.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

Nice to see a period action piece; I think you have an interesting premise here.

The logline however is a little bit hard to make total sense of.

"he escapes death to win her back" - you mean his loast love here but it scans a little uncomfortably as she was mentioned quite a bit back in your sentence. You could reshuffle things so that it reads:

"loses his freedom and birthright to a devious prince. He escapes death to win back his lost love, reclaim what his rightfully his, and settle the score."

Then you introduce us to another character but your last sentence is a bit wobbly - who challenges who? What challenges who? It suddenly becomes very abstract and unclear.

Do the knight and priest team up as buddies? Is it one long argument for the rest of the story?

And the title - is the knight the king?? If so perhaps begin with 'a battlescarred king loses his birthright...'

Paul De Vrijer (Level 5)

Sounds like a really interesting setting with a really passive plot. It feels a bit like a period drama, although when I read "Battle-scarred" I thought, finally an actionpacked medieval drama, but continueing on, I found the rest of the logline to not really create conflict or tension. I'm not really pulled in here, although I love the material. Just wish you would make it more exciting, you make it sounds so...un-epic.
REally against the title and premise. Hope you can prove me wrong.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

I can see this as an epic movie with one of Hollywood's best-looking young actors leading the way and one of the beautiful young actresses awaiting his rescue.

My opinions:

Edit out "his birthright"

Change "his love" to a more specific, descriptive explanation of this woman.

Untangle the last sentence: Who's bloodlust for vengeance? The knight or the prince's?

Title: There's no mention of the King in your logline, but the title is easy and to the point, probably fitting to your story.

Pete Barry (Level 5)

You've stuffed this logline chock-full of good dramatic material, as well as given me a visual portrait of the characters and the backdrop they'll occupy. The secondary plot of the priest might be a little too much information for the logline and drops the energy a little (the first sentence would be enough) but it's interesting enough and dramatic enough to stand.

If there's a grammatical sticking point, the tricky pronoun "her" pops up when I have to figure out what it's referencing - a quick check, but it draws the eye away. You're talking about three things he's lost - freedom, birthright, and love (all gender neutral terms) and then to switch to one and call it "her" breaks the structure and causes a minor mental train wreck. It's a quick fix, but a necessary one.

Still, it's an interesting story, and I hope to read your first ten pages.

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5)

The title is effective and has an epic story feel about it.

The story sounds good. It definitely fits into a traditional story format so I guess the challenge is to show something fresh that sets it apart. I'm not sure I'm seeing that fresh element in the story as described.

The logline technique looks fine to me.

Razvan Badea (Level 3)

You could have chosen your words better (or at least the order - like 'freedom, love and birthright' to a devious prince). The first time I read it I thought it was about a gay knight. Maybe it's just me...
The title is fitting and I anticipate an interesting main character. I'm not sure about the villain, it depends on his deviousness. The logline hits all the targets it should.
In the end it all comes down to execution, because I've seen this story (and especially this type of story) before.

Richie Fenwick (Level 1)

I think the premise has potential, but feel i cannot fully comment until after reading the full script.
This is because if the script is solid, with believable dialogue and characters, then i can definately see it on the screen.
However, if it is full of "i will have my vengence"'s, it could become monotonous and boring to the viewer.

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

Sounds like a cool story with a great title. I felt the log line was a bit off kilter. I wanted to part of winning her back and settling the score to be framed toward the end of the log line and not be told about what happens along the way. Structure is key to story telling and a pitch or log line should demonstrate that you can feed information and reveal things at the right time to make us want to read more. I know it's hard to encapsule everything in the script in just a few words but frame your log line so that we feel we're learning what will happen without telling us what happens.

Ron Hooker (Level 4)

I think this is a good story. I like the title and the basic theme to the script. I would definitely be interested in seeing this on the big screen.

I want to point out just a few things that caught my eye. The word "love" is not a great choice of words here. At first I thought you misspelled "princess" where you wrote prince, therefore meaning to say he "loses...his love to a devious princess", but that wouldn't have made any sense. If she's devious, why does he love her.

Then it clicked. You used "love" as a person noun (his love: a woman, a wife, etc.) when it came off as an emotion (his passion for). That little word used in that context made it a little confusing and threw off the flow. It would have come off smoother if you had used "his woman" or "the love of his life".

Second, I find the part about the priest to be very intriguing. It sounds like you've set up the conflict pretty well. But I think you could actually scratch that part from your logline, reword the entire thing to make it a little tighter, and still get the main idea down. Personally, I think it would be better served to introduce the priest in the SCRIPT, and not the logline. Just my opinion.

Taking everything into consideration, I think something like this would be just fine:

"After losing his freedom, his birthright, and the love of his life, a battle-scarred knight seeks revenge against a devious prince to regain his glory".

I think something like that would still get the crux of the story down quickly. The other details in your logline aren't vital to the reader just yet, and it takes up valuable space. Always look for ways to tighten things up and stick to the key points.

I hope my suggestions were helpful. Good luck!

Rosanne Christie (Level 3)

Dynamite title! I love this. Battle-scarred gives me so much about the knight. The last sentence sets up such a deeper sup-plot. I can't help myself I am already casting this in my mind. Nice work. Can't wait to read the first pages.

Rustom Irani (Moderator)

The title is indicative of genre though it seems a bit archaic for marketing standards.

The logline sure follows up on it though.

I like the idea of a medieval swords and romance story but honestly I find nothing original or fresh that you've brought to this story.

Robin Hood, is kinda battle-scarred, and teams up with a priest among other people to win his love and get rid of the oppression of the Sheriff.

I've heard this premise so many times and tried equally hard to figure out the original elements.

You could've started with how he escaped death, what kind of death it was?

I'm guessing the priest saves him from dying or helps him recuperate? Then that's where I'd start.

The last phrase comes across more as a tagline. A Priest and Warrior if you will. I like it. But it feels like filler.

"The Princess Bride" is the most original premise ever with this plot element and I LOVE that film.

Can you up the ante?

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

I thought this was a very strong logline. I know what the story is about from reading it, and it's well written, concise and to the point. I'm not sure of the title though. Something a little stronger would be better. Nice work though, one of the best I've read so far.

Sasha Clancy (Level 4)

Title - It's good. There is nothing about a king in your logline but I'm assuming it makes sense with the story.

Story - I'm not sure what the story is. The way you have the logline written, he already know that he wins her back and settles the score. I think that's what the story should be, the quest. But, you tell us he does it. So, is the story the conflict of bloodlust and vengeance? If so, I need more of a hook about why I should care about that.

Craft - It's unclear to me what the story is. It is missing a hook and what makes this story unique.

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

This logline starts out great. The first sentence sounds a lot like "The Count of Monte Cristo", a great and timeless story of revenge. But then -- the second sentence.

What does "crosses paths" mean? They get in a fight? They join forces? Is "crossing paths" a good thing? Or a bad thing? And why a priest? (Why is that important in your logline?)

And, finally, the big head-scratcher...what does the last bit mean? "...challenging one man's bloodlust for vengeance and the other man's oath of forgiveness"? How does all this fit together in a story?

This logline would be a lot better if you would focus on the core of the story --revenge-- and less on all the other stuff. Don't worry about all the theatrics - just give us a tantalizing, compelling glimpse of your story.

My score: GOOD.

Steve Dexheimer (Level 4)

Solid premise. Nice setup, and a clear indication of the conflict. I like the title as well. The only question I had was on the tone of the piece. Is this going to be a gritty R rated epic like Ridley Scott's Kingdom of Heaven, or something lighter? Not sure how you convey that in the logline, but the have two really different films based on that.
The only negative reaction I had to the logline was when you brought in the priest - you say he and the knight "cross paths." My initial reaction was that they'd be the enemies, but after reading the last line a couple times got that they'd be companions with polar opposite methods. Mabye "join forces" or something to convey their relationship.
It's a small thing, but it did pull me out of the logline a bit when reading it.

Tim Westland (Moderator)

Title: A bit mundane. Try and find the theme of your story and come up with a title based on that.

Logline:
I think you can tighten up the first sentence like this:

When a war weary knight loses everything to a devious prince, he sets out to reclaim his birthright with the aid of a chivalrous priest.

Now... your second sentence really doesn't tell us what is going to happen to slow/stop your protag. Or what's REALLY at stake.

Overall, there isn't enough here to get me hooked into wanting to read more.

Tommy Evans (Level 3)

The title is good and the logline is also good but this story has been told many times. Maybe you should add something that could make it a little more original.

Wes Worthing (Level 5)

The tone of this logline seems to drop in excitement with the second sentence. I was interested in the knight's story of vengeance and then it seems to become a drama. i think the second sentence needs to be re-written to keep the level of excitement up. Not crazy about the title, but I still think this could be a movie I'd like to watch.

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus)

I dig the title, and the logline as well. I don't think the logline is crystal clear, and at times sounds clunky -- but I like it and hope to read the first ten pages.

William Dunbar (Level 5)

This is well structured, and it gives a good idea of the story. I think it's a little wordy, though. I think you could cut out a few things to make it leaner and more effective, because it's a little heavy right now. Adjectives and lists are a good place to start when cutting out extraneous info. Good start, though.

Comments Made After the Contest

Joel Davis (Level 5) ~ 3/1/2010 1:29 PM

Hey this project sounds really epic and I'd love to know more. Let me know if you need a reader.