Comments Made During the Contest

Aaron Scott (Level 4)

I like the conflict. Do they meet and fall in love and then discover their faults or do they just meet and talk about it for a day? Is this a romance or a comedy? Why the mentioning of frugal and spendthrift?

Ammar Salmi (Level 5)

I love this kind of movies but you didn't write anything that make your peice from other save-the-land-from-industry-greed movies. Meaning, this logline lack originality.

Bill Delehanty (Level 4)

This logline is a little bit like a tongue twister. All right pieces of info are there, but they seem to fit together as well as they should. I hope you thought of how this story would play out in a non-cliche way.
Good idea and catchy title.

Brian Howell (Level 5)

Fabulous idea, but I feel it's missing something. Do they fall in love? Does she try and stop him? Does he convert her to his ideals, or vice versa? Give us just a little more into the actual story line.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

The title is unique, pretty appropriate and fits the story you've laid out.

The genre isn't crystal clear. Obviously a romance of some sort, but I can't tell if it's a romantic comedy or a romantic drama.

The logline is really just a summary of the premise when it should be a summary of the entire script. We can only assume these two people meet fairly early on and their conflict of interests becomes apparent, so we're left guessing at what happens in the rest of the script since that isn't really laid out here at all. On top of that, there is vital information that is notably absent... Who is Grace's ally? What obstacles must she overcome to achieve her goal of protecting her wilderness? What's really at stake? Say he builds his retreat, what does that mean to her? She'd have to move to a different lake shore?

I didn't notice any errors in punctuation, spellig or grammar so you're good on that front.

Overall, I like the title but felt like the logline needs more information to be effective. It's really only a summary of the first act.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

Intriguing title.

And? What happens? All you've said in this is that two people meet!

You don't need to name your characters. Your logline could START "A frugal environmentalist meets a spendthrift land developer ..."

We need more here!

Chris Keaton (Level 5)

What? Dammit! I was getting into this and then it just stopped cold. Now I'm left thinking so what? Does she fight it or go along? Details, just little more

Chris Messineo (Founder)

I love the title.

I assume this is a romantic comedy, but you never mention any part of the chemistry between Grace and Brandon - so, I could be completely wrong and they could be mortal enemies. I think you need to tell us just a bit more about this plot. What is the hook?

You do a great job setting up the conflict, but if this is a comedy, then try to infuse that humor into your logline. I think with a small rewrite this could be very good.

Dan Delgado (Level 5)

Dear Sir or Madam,

Thank you for your logline submission: "Mixed Greens"

Where, when and under what circumstances Grace meets Brandon is key to setting the tone and the possible conflict of this story, but it's missing in the logline. My guess it that Grace opposes Brandon's plans to build an exclusive retreat. I'm going to guess further and assume that this might be a romantic comedy. But I'm not sure. All I really know is that we have two opposites. Grace, who is frugal, is an environmentalist and who apparently would like the mountain lake to stay pristine. And Brandon who spends bunches of money, is a land developer and wants to build an exclusive retreat on that mountain lake shore.

That's a set-up and a reason for probable conflict. But where is that headed?

If the title "Mixed Greens" refers to her environmentalism and his money (my guess is it does), it is clever and could work well.

We'll keep your logline on file for future consideration. Please do not send the screenplay at this time.

Thank you.

Dan Lennox (Level 5)

Between the title and logline, this sounds almost like a romantic comedy. But after reading this logline, my initial reaction is... So What! I need more about the story, more conflict, and more drama to care about what's going on. As it stands, this is just about a girl who meets a guy who wants to build a retreat on a lake. You still have space to add some more information about the story without making the logline too long.

David Birch (Level 5)

love the title...love the tight delivery...not sure "frugal" is essential...could just write, "when an land developer plans to build a posh retreat on a mountain lake shore..."...that's a way to set up your conflict right off the bat..then all you need to do is add a little irony, or a twist to hook your reader...

Derek Bailey (Level 3)

Good job, it seems you have taken the Bullock/Grant movie and changed enough to get it rolling again. Often you hear that hollywood wants the "same thing only different", and you have done that. I dont like the first names being included, cause honestly does it matter what their names are?

DW Pollard (Level 4)

What's the story? Grace meets Brandon...and then? Do they meet in a romantic aspect or just become buddies or is it more of a conflicting meeting? We have no way of knowing if this is a romantic comedy or drama or what kind of movie we're expecting to see.

The characters could be interesting, but we need some idea of what they may be dealing with or why we would want to watch them do what they do.

Elisabeth Dubois (Level 4)

And...what happens? This is a very bare logline. I can see by your title that it promises to be a comedy with lots of conflict, but it would be nice to tell us a bit more about the story. There is also no need to use names. The logline reads quite fine without them.
Good luck

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

First, the character names are not needed. "A frugal environmentalist meets a spendthirft land developer..." is sufficient. What is lacking, however, is the conflict in the plot. Good title.

Felice Bassuk (Level 4)

Catchy title. You've set up a huge conflict and it sounds like an interesting story. Not necessary to include names in a logline, and here it just bogs down the sentence. I like how you've described the characters. Now what I believe is needed is for you to convey something about their journey, what they learn. You say they meet, but are they attracted to each other? repelled by each other? What's at stake here on a personal as well as environmental level?

James Hughes (Level 5)

This sounds interesting. The title makes me think it will be very goofy, hopefully that was your intent. I would want to watch it.
The commas should be updated. I don't think you have to point out that the retreat is "huge". I would suggest a better word or just leave it out because the word "exclusive" is evocative enough. The last part of the sentence is hard to read. Maybe it could be reworded a little. So, I like the story idea, but I think the logline just needs some work structurally.

Jeannie Sconzo (Level 5)

The title seems clever but there isn't any hook in the logline. Seems that that is the whole story and nothing is compelling us to find out more.

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

Hm... I'm assuming they are eventually going to fall in love. What happens after that? I don't think the logline really hooked me. I'm assuming this is going to be a romance/ drama, but it could be a romantic comedy.

I really like the title. Again, you should have gave us more about the plot.

I'll give it a good.

Jeff Ferry (Level 4)

The title was the highlight for me. I'm not sure what the tone of the actual script is supposed to be, but the logline didn't make it clear. From the logline this sounds like an incredibly boring script. So either the script is boring, or the logline didn't convey what you wanted it to.

Jem Rowe (Level 4)

The title's alright but I'm not sure if a simple play on words will live up to your vision for the film (unless you want it to be an extremely light-hearted film).

You seem to have given us the very bare bones of the plot, which can be good for keeping a logline concise, but I think your logline needs elaboration or the addition of some kind of exciting hook to make it more interesting, at the moment it's a little dull.

Your craft is mostly fine but I don't think it's necessary to use the characters names in the logline.

Jim Brown (Level 3)

Great title- clever and light-hearted. You did a good job of presenting two conflicting personalities and the conflict they're involved in.
The only thing I might question is "plans to build". Is he going to spend the entire movie planning it, or will he actually build it? Seeing something built is more interesting than watching someone merely plan.
communities' is correct if there are multiple communities. If there is one community, it would be community's.

Joel Davis (Level 5)

Love the title. Perfect for a romantic comedy and feels timely and current.

One the plus side, the conflict in the plot is clear and direct. But the "evil land developer" is a very overused premise. Not that it can't work, it can be great if done well, but you need to really put the spotlight on what makes your take on this stand out.

Great start, though, just needs a little more seasoning.

John LaBonney (Level 4)

Great title. Money green and enviornmental green. The logline gives me a grasp of the story without giving away too much.

Jonah Yarden (Level 4)

and...? That's it? This film screams a female protag growling because her love interest just said something chauvinistic and that same love interest having to stop the diggers while confessing his love for her infront of the lake shore community and ensemble characters which include an african american nurse and an old jewish couple. And as much as I love those movies...this really didnt present me with anything that would set it apart from everything touchstone produced in the late 90s. Sorry.

Jose Batista (Level 5)

Sounds like a Rom-Com that ends with the lake shore community benefiting from the resort's business while the heartless developer is shown love by the environmentalist as she herself begins to see there's more to life than just trees.

I just wish there'd be additional plot points in the logline that would point to whatever obstacles will lie in their way to achieve their goals. Perhaps even going so far as to delineate whether Grace and Brandon help each other pull their heads out of their rabbit holes.

As it is, the Logline is Very Good. An outdoor setting in a beautiful mountain vale with the initially vicious developer makes for some good drama and laughs. Mixed Greens is a great title and I feel that the only thing missing here is some sort of problem that will plague the main character... something that she'll have to overcome, besides Brandon, that will then help her to break through to Brandon.

Kenneth Hurd (Level 4)

I like the title you chose for this and I like that you told us who the characters are and a bit about them. My only recommendation would be to explain more about what this story is about. Is this a romance movie about Grace and Brandon's relationship, or is this some other kind of movie about what happens when Brandon starts to develop his retreat? Are the two going to be against each other? I think another sentence or so and you could explain a lot more.

Kevin Carty (Level 4)

This logline isn't finished. Is this a drama, comedy or a rom com? I don't know what the theme is and I don't know what her goal is. Is she going to seduce him. Is she going to talk to the animals and save them or can she talk to trees. No names in the logline please all we need is the characters. The names are unimportant.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

The logline is good since it hints on a genre, which is important. Clearly a romantic comedy.

However it's just "this" meets "that", not much of a hook for me. There's clearly a conflict which is good, but to inject any logline with a conflict is not hard, I think.

It's good, but not great for me.

Kirk White (Level 5)

...and what? does she set out to destroy him despite her growing affection? does she realize that she dated him in college? does she go on the offensive to defeat him before it's too late? I want to know more about this story...I think you've given me a great title and a great first half of a logline; now tell us the stakes and give us sense of what's gonna happen.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

This story appears to be dramedy with a romance.
Terrific visual potential. Envision lovely scenes with a beautiful blue lake beneath the mountains. Maybe a romantic walk along the moonlit shore.
The contrast between Grace and Brandon's interests will clearly spark conflict. Mentioning that the "mountain lake shore" is "beloved" by Grace indicates it's personal to her. May be devastation, though, as Brandon's bulldozers probably destroy some "green" before he and Grace can come together.
Clever title.
Might edit the logline a tad. Perhaps, "Grace, a frugal environmentalist, meets a spendthrift land developer" etc. Removing Brandon's name here focuses more specifically on Grace -- it seems to be her story. Maybe use "with plans" instead of "who plans," omit "huge," and use "her" instead of Grace's name a second time.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

The title is pretty cool. It sounds like a comedy off the bat.

Watch out for your punctuation, which feels halfhearted. You're missing at least three commas.

No genre is clearly stated. I'm still hoping it's a romantic comedy, 'cause I think that'd be awesome given the male-female leads, but there's no hint of involvement between the two. Expand a bit on their relationship: right now there's inherent conflict but no stated war.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

I love the title. Sounds like a comedy.

I like this logline, but I don't love it...

Why are you using names? They don't contribute to explaining the story line, and they don't link to the title.
I can assume the conflict and the probability that these two characters will fall in love.
What are the stakes?

I want a little more information than I'm getting here...

Good work.

Marla Brecheen (Level 4)

Love the title. From the short logline, it really works. However, the logline isn't working at all. It doesn't give the goal or what is preventing the goal from happening. It needs these two elements to drive folks to want to read the script.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

You're missing a second half. They meet and that's it? Do they attempt to have a relationship? There isn't enough info here. Just a set up of the characters.

That being said, if it is supposed to be a romantic comedy, I do like the characters. And I really like the title. Just wish you had given us more.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

This logline really only describes one event: their meeting. What happens after that should also be included, not just implied. We can tell that they're going to clash over this, but there should be something more to it as well. Maybe she falls in love with him, even though hates everything that he stands for? Maybe she has to persuade the local government to oppose him as well, when they're all for the idea?

Small town politics are very interesting when they're portrayed correctly, and this idea can definitely do that.

Matias Caruso (Level 5)

Short and to the point. I like that.

A rom/com right?

The main conflict is clearly introduced, as well as the two leads. This may not be my cup of tea, but you know how to write a logline.

Hope you advance to the next round. You deserve it.

Best of luck.

Matthew Fettig (Level 5)

Title - Catchy.

Logline - Character names aren't needed. It seems to be missing some things. We can assume that there might be some friction, but you don't suggest that. So they meet, and then what?

Story - I can see an interesting story here, but your log line leaves me wondering if it is developed past the thought of the main characters.

Michael Alberstadt (Level 4)

Great title. It brings a lot of things to mind...one being salad, which may not be what you're going for. It does say "golf" which is very pertinent to your movie.

Good concise logline. The potential for fireworks with this couple is right there. I can see lots of fun opportunities in the writing of this one.

A couple notes:
- "a spendthrift land developer" is an appositive and should be separated from the noun "Brandon" with commas.
- "Grace's beloved communities’ mountain lake shore" is a mouthful. It's a minor point, but maybe a simpler, smoother way to say this?

Great job!

Michael Cuculich (Level 3)

Is this a love story? If it is, I think that should be stated in the logline- as is, all it says is that she meets him. So? Assuming it is a romance, I like the setup, as the characters have unique identifiers that we haven't really seen in a movie. I'd like to see where this goes. The title is very clever.

Michael Hoffman (Level 4)

Like the title. It's catchy and brings the environmental aspect of the script to the forefront.

I'm sort of split on this logline. You've introduced the hero and the villain (I suppose that's Brandon's role). You've also hinted at the goal (I'm assuming it is her effort to stop this development).

Somehow though, this logline seems a little incomplete. I would like more insight into their relationship other than just 'meets'. Is it a love story? Are they opposites attracted to each other? Are they at odds right from the get go? Is this a comedy where each tries to outdo each others efforts? Is it a drama about the environment?

It might very well be hints of all these but I wish I had a better understanding of the genre.

Still, a good effort but I'm not totally sold that you have a clear vision of where this story will go. I assume you do but the logline doesn't bring it forth.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

and....

then what?

You give us the set up but not the actual plot or story.

The title makes me think this is a comedy, possibly a rom-com but you give no clue to that in the logline which could be a heavy drama or activist thriller.

Paul De Vrijer (Level 5)

Too simple, where is the conflict? What's going to happen now that she meets him. Are they going to date? What are their next plans? I want to see more of this as it souds interesting, but I want to know where this is heading. I really love the title with the story, absolutely, but I want to know more too. Shame really because you carve out this beginning sentence well.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

Lots of conflict here, and I'm sure Grace and Brandon will develop feelings for one another, adding to the conflict.

This is to the point and gives the main story, but I think you can add in more. This is very bare-bones.

There needs to be commas after "environmentalist," "Brandon," and "developer."

Title: Sounds like it should be for a comedy? Is this a comedy? It might fit your story adequately, but it's not apparent through your logline.

Pete Barry (Level 5)

A fantastic title and two easily visualized characters, ready to explode in each other's faces. Could be a wonderful romantic comedy.

Unfortunately, I can only assume romantic comedy because it's a man and a woman, and opposites attract. The only action I'm given, however, is "meets". Then what? They meet on page 5, let's hope. Then what's the story? Does she declare war? Does she pretend to love him to infiltrate his organization? Does he sweep her off her feet, sending her back on a walk of shame to her thrifty, tree-hugging comrades?

All the fun in a movie like this is "what does she do to him?" Opposites attract, sure. But a great romcom lies in the tactics of love and war. Think "How to Lose a Guy..." or "The Proposal". (I guess not "Sleepless in Seattle", but he meets her on page 106.)

I bet you have a wicked sense of humor, and a great movie. But you need to tell me the story, or I just won't know.

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5)

The title is engaging and has a comedic tone. For me my first association was vegetable based, however I can see how the environmental angle works.

The story has good potential. It is a story concept that has been used in numerous places and indeed is one that I've heard mentioned on a podcast as being a standard formula. The fight against the evil developer can work well, but the test of your version of it will be whether you have added a fresh angle on it. In the logline I can see an environmental angle, but I'm not sure that is enough to make this standout.

The technique of the logline is okay, although I'm not sure about including their names and it feels like the sentence is a little awkward to read smoothly, because of the sequences of descriptive words.

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

Wow, those are some extreme opposites working. Cute title and clever take on a subject that has some relevance to today's society. The obvious clash of personalities brings instant conflict and I'm sure you're going for some type of romantic-comedy flare. I think the tension between these two could get very interesting and I think you've got a neat, well-presented log line. I hope you advance.

Rob Dianora (Level 4)

For this being a feature, I'd like to see a little more info. Just a little more about the characters and story at the least. The title works for me, very simple, yet creative.

Ron Hooker (Level 4)

The title is good, and the basic story is presented (with the conflict implied), but I would have liked a little more "pizzazz". Accentuate the conflict with a little bit more of an indication as to what fuels the fire.

Also, there's no need to provide the names of your characters in your logline. Their names do nothing to support the story. "A man", "a woman", etc., is good enough.

Rosanne Christie (Level 3)

Cute timely romance. I wish there was an additional twist to the plot so it wouldn't feel so familiar. Do they have to band together against the town board or a common enemy something to take the romance into a new direction. Cute title.

Rustom Irani (Moderator)

Your title made me a chuckle and you've given me two characters with some quirky traits to visualise.

What is the story really about?

So, essentially when Brendan plans to build a retreat on Grace's land...then what?

Remember Disney's "The Emperor's New Groove" animated film?

Emperor Cuzco a spoiled bratty tyrant plans to build a castle retreat by displacing a peasant's village. But he's turned into a llama by his evil advisor and has to seek the peasant's help to turn back into a human.

See that? The llama element supports the other story and gives both characters motivations.

Right now Brendan and moves into Grace's land and they'll fight.

Will they fall in love? What does Grace do about it? How old are they?

I need a sense of where this story will take me. And right now i don't see anything. I don't know if Grace has friends who'll support her or whether she leads a lifestyle that'll help her fight Brendan.

This needs another sentence explaining the plot a bit more.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

Love the title!!! Great logline, precise and to the point. It tells what the movie is about and what we can expect. Nothing really new or unique, but it still rolls of the tongue well and I for one would love to see more. Hope you move on to the ten page script.

Sasha Clancy (Level 4)

Title - Clever.

Story - And... what is the story? You have the introduction, the first 10 pages but then what happens? Does she meet him and walk the other way, do they fall in love, does she plot his murder?

Craft - You are missing most of your story so your logline suffers. Also, we don't need to know Grace and Brandon's names. Unless there is something I'm missing, they aren't critical to the story. Your logline will read smoother if you get rid of their names.

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

I wrote this in an earlier review...

"Picture Homer Simpson, in slow motion, leaping through the air, arms outstretched, deep, slo-mo voice screaming, 'N-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O...'"

That was my reaction when I read this logline. Sorry, but I just can't imagine someone wanting to see another movie featuring a female environmentalist taking on a "spendthrift land developer".

I'm sure you have a great idea for a story based on this scenario, probably a romantic comedy where, despite their differences, they fall for each other, and by the end of the movie she's convinced him that the beauty of Mother Nature beats crass commercialism every time. W-a-y too clicheed. (And if that's NOT the story you have in mind, then your logline needs to tell us more about the story that you DO have in mind -- otherwise, that's what this sounds like.)

Why does the environmentalist always win? Why not a story that pits these two people against each other, and in the end, the land developer convinces the environmentalist that crass commercialism really IS better, so she jumps into the seat of a bulldozer and starts knockin' down trees? Now THAT would be an interesting story.

Your version, at least what I get from the logline, is just too predictable.

(I like the title, though.)

My score: FAIR.

Stephen Brown (Level 5)

Title: Pretty mundane title, it sounds like it could be a title for a Shane Meadows film though haha so I keep an open mind. It doesn't give me much of an impression about genre or theme though, but I am guessing this going to be a true to life sort of drama. A bit gritty.

Logline: So yeah, it does appear to deal with real life issues and comes across as a drama. I think the title fits it quite well actually.
Good work with creating two pole-opposites for your protag/antags. Immediately opens up a lot of conflict and drama.

Summary: I think you did a really good job in summarising your idea and I also think it's an idea with a lot of potential. I think this will do well.

Steven Roush (Level 2)

It is nice to have it all in one sentence but I didn't really get the drift of the movie. First, introducing the characters in the log line is just a waste of space and words. I would like to hear more about what happens in the movie than the characters names.
Without knowing more about the movie like trials and tribulations, then I can say this log line didn't peak my interest to read anything further. I do hope this helps you in the future for picking a log line for your movie.

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

Why name the characters? What's at stake here? Is the environmentalist trying to stop the development and is thwarted because she's falling in love with the developer? I'm really not feeling it.

Tim Westland (Moderator)

Title: I like it.

Logline: First off, remove names. I learned the hard way (last year) that you don't include them in a logline (some exceptions exist, but not in this one).

Next, this is really only the first half of a logline. It describes the basic problem, but it needs to continue and tell me the obstacle the protag will encounter and what the stakes are if she doesn't.

Further, you need to be a little more creative with your descriptions. Frugal? Why is frugal important? Is that an important character trait? If it's simply in opposition to the land developers spendthrift ways, well... I can't see how that will be compelling.

Lastly, this has a lot in common - in an underlying way - with the Sandra Bullock/Hugh Grant film, "2 Weeks Notice". In that film, she tries to prevent her rich land developer boss from destroying a valued neighborhood landmark in favor of a giant mega mall or building or something. There are other elements to that story, but this is pretty close to that. You need to consider that.

Tommy Evans (Level 3)

The title is deceiving I tought it was a movie like "Soul Food" also you don't go into enough about the relationship of Grace and Brandon are there lovers do they become lovers. I know that loglines should be short and only breifly explain the screenplay but I think you need more of an explanation of the relationship between Grace and Brandon.

Victor Ojeda (Level 3)

A bit incomplete. The idea starts somewhere but it does not show me conflict, an antagonist perse, etc. Needs more work. Goo luck in the competition..

Wes Worthing (Level 5)

It's impossible to tell by this logline if this is a comedy or drama, but I guess both would do; the conflict is obvious nethertheless. This is not an unfamiliar scenario, so if there is anything in your story that would be unique in comparison to the other loglines in the same category, then it should be mentioned. I'm just going to predict that this is more like a "You've Got Mail" romantic comedy and I'd be interested in reading your twist of the story. I like the title.

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus)

Love the title. I think it's great -- plenty of meeting.

The logline: I'd take the names out of it and give a bit more of the story. Do they initially fall in love and then she finds out what his plans are? Do they fall in love while battling?

I do think this entry will do well, it does have an audience.

Comments Made After the Contest