Comments Made During the Contest

Aaron Scott (Level 4)

I liked your writing style. I liked the moral of the story.

With these characters and all that happens, this story is just too much for a five page script. You couldn't really establish any tone because it was just scene to scene to scene. But great effort to fit it all in.

Ashley Gwen Patrick (Level 2)

I like the change that Jack went through from bad guy to really good guy driven by wanting to be a good father. I like the imagery of the ace of hearts too. It was really cute and book ended everything quite nicely. I had a hard time picturing why it had to be animation though; I kept seeing it as live action.

Bill Clar (Level 5)

The title is a little misleading. I don't see Magnus as an Ace, and I don't see Jack as a fiend. Maybe the title could be "Jack's Baby Girl" since the story revolves around her.

The initial fight between Jack and Magnus ended too quickly. I also disliked Jack's little blurb. It shows us that Jack and Magnus have a history, but I expected more hatred in Jack's voice. It sounded almost laughable. You want people to boo the villain not laugh at them.

Jack has a daughter who loves him and melts his heart. So what is his motivation to rob a bank? If I am to empathize with him for losing his daughter, then I need to understand why he broke the law.

The theme I took away from your story is atonement. Throw in a superhero and a daughter without a father, and you have a hell of a story. What's lacking is a background for us to build on.

Here are some suggestions. First, as Jack runs out the door of the bank, have a piece of paper fall out of his pocket. Follow the paper closely as it falls to the ground and reveal that it's a hospital bill for Maddy's operation. It can be any operation, as long it's costly and vital to her health. Now Jack has a motive.

Second, have Magnus speak. Let him say something about "three banks in two weeks? You're on a roll, Jack". Jack doesn't want to hurt Magnus but he will if he has to. They slug it out and we're trying to decide who to cheer for.

Brian Howell (Level 5)

We don't need to know that it's an animation.

The story itself isn't anything special. I'm almost at a loss for what to say - not that it's so bad, just that it seemed so average. It seems like quite a chunk of a story to bite off for a five page script. You could even do without the opening robbery stuff. Just have him in prison to start. I know you're thinking we need to see the superhero, but he can close the prison door, or Jack can have a sketch or picture of him on the prison wall.

The prison stuff doesn't move me. I was half expecting the 'hand on the glass' moment.

How does a 17 year-old become powerful enough to break him out of prison? I know it's an animation, so it's not real, but come on, that was stretching it.

And his realization that he needs to make things right? That's so good, it's sappy.

It is GOOD, but nothing special.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

Nice, tight script. Very nice flow. Written and formatted well. I was very in to this story, but the ending somehow fell flat for me. I think maybe it was a little too humdrum. I liked the fact that his daughter followed in his footspes to become a villain and broke him out of jail, but I wasn't thrilled that he scolded her for it and turned himself in. Overall, this was a very solid script, but I guess I was just hoping for more of a climactic ending. Nice job though. Very Good from me.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

Family, spouses and friends - I guess these words should be capitalised.

interupts - interrupts

I liked the twist in the story- that Maddy broke him out of prison - (though I did guess before it happened) However - what let it down for me was the 'superhero' - WHY? He wasn't a superhero - a superhero wouldn't have had any trouble with combatting Maddy.
It seemed like an unnecessary complication that didn't fit in with the drama of the main storyline.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

I like this script a lot, but in some ways it almost feels like two separate stories. One is about a villain and his super-hero nemesis. The other is about a father in prison and his daughter. Honestly, I find the second story far more interesting, original, and touching. I think it's hard to combine both in only five pages (and I'm impressed that you have). But, I would suggest you either expand this or keep it at five and focus only on the drama of the father and daughter relationship.

Christopher OConnor (Level 3)

I like this one. My biggest issue with it is that it felt predictable, I knew it was his daughter coming to the rescue before I read that part and I knew there would be some sort of vengence taken against Magnus. I'm not quite sure how you could fix this though, maybe just work on not playing into super hero cliches as much...

But otherwise, good effort.

David Birch (Level 5)

i have to admit that i'm not that well versed in reading/reviewing "animation" scripts (other than "family guy"...okay, so shoot me) so i tried to be as generous as i could...that being said, some parts move well and have characters interacting and come to life...but my biggest concern in the tendency to want to "over-script" the action scenes...page 3...not one word of dialog...without dialog we have a tough time trying to figure out a characters motivations..."why are these characters doing this?" is a question that your reader and audience will always ask...technically, it formatted very well...stylistically, it's just a little slow because of the elongated action sequences...

Elisabeth Dubois (Level 4)

The story has its intriguing moments. I was a little disappointed in the end and I think this is probably because of the 5 page requirement.
A few "ing" endings...try to rid of these.
Overall, I enjoyed it and you made good use of the requested words.
thank you for the read.

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

Nice story about parental responsibility! The writer has a nice visual way of writing. Here are a few comments.

The bank location, at the first of the story… is this bank in a big city like NYC or is it a small rural bank?

“Jack pulls out an ace of hearts playing card.” Where does he get it from? His sleeve? I like the way you have used the ACE in this story.

Make sure you use your spell-check. Evelope should be envelope.

Be careful of being too wordy when you write. Example: “JACK (40’s) head full of grey, weathered face, is engaged in a chessmatch with another PRISONER.” Consider something like: “JACK (40’s) head full of grey, weathered face, plays chess with another PRISONER.”

Be careful when you use pronouns. Example: “Magnus is still breathing but unconscious. He turns to his daughter.” I know you mean that Jack is turning towards Maddy but the way it is written, it is Magnus who is turning.

Herman Chow (Level 5)

I liked the story. The script moves pretty quickly, and sometimes too quickly. It has a frantic pace. Sometimes I need to reread and slow down to orient myself, especially right after a scene cut. But maybe that's just me.

I also liked your description. It's is economical yet gives us enough details to visualize.

I love the ace of hearts symbolism. It's very touching. You handled the father-daughter relationship pretty well. I was involved in it. I didn't think about what would happen next, just letting you carry me through the story.

If there's one thing to improve on, I'd say give us something more about Mangus. He seems to be a disposable superhero just to move the plot forward. Would have liked more interaction between Jack and Mangus.

VERY GOOD.

James Hughes (Level 5)

This is a good twist on the superhero story. I thought that there was actually too much going on for a 5 pager. There is definitely enough here for a larger work. You did a good job putting forth this story. You were able to put a lot in here with some tight writing. However, I was left feeling like I didn't get enough of any part of it. I don't think you could have centered in on and expanded on only one part of it though, so maybe this story just isn't suited as well for the 5 page format.

Jeannie Sconzo (Level 5)

Very Good!
Antagonist turns moral - wonderful!
Felt a connection to each character. Terrific descriptions.
No errors noted.

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

I liked the premise of your story, but I thought the action and dialogue needed a little work.

I did like the fact that I didn't even notice you used any of the words other than Ace and Jack. You meshed them in perfectly.

The story was lacking something, but I'm not sure what. Maybe the father should have done something crazy to rescue his daughter from the evil life she found. Like go out and start attacking the police so she could escape.

All I could think about was when the superhero awakens, he's going to go after her, so his efforts on stopping his daughter were useless.

Joel Davis (Level 5)

This was a cool comic-style drama. I don't see why it needs to be an animation, it would work fine as a comic-book style live action short.

I think I would have preferred if it had just ended with her breaking him out. Having him return himself to prison is kind of a let down and deflates the excitement you've built up. It also invalidates her actions, and feels a bit preachy.

If you want him to convince her to change her ways, you need to show his journey. As it is, there was nothing to change his mind, other than being away from her, but that seemed like it was because he got caught.

Overall, this was well-written and action packed. A lot of fun, could be a bit more surprising but still effective.

Jose Batista (Level 5)

The title is very apt and fits nicely with this story.
Although the script feels like an extended trailer for a full feature film about superheroes and villains, It does have a nice story and you managed to very well fit alot of content into those five pages without making it feel stuffy.

The story is good and the script moves at a great pace, however there is alot of filler story that would make this otherwise more complete. It's as if we're getting glimpses of the story that connect to convey an understanding of the situation, but the meat and potatoes are missing. I also felt the last confrontation between Magnus and Jack's daughter to be too quick and forced.

All in all, you did a Good job in presenting this story and I do suggest that you take this the feature length route as their is an ample amount of potential here. Good Luck.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

I think it's a very well written entry and I liked it overall.

it just feels so compressed - you managed to squeeze a ninety minute feature (I think you could have this animated drama on ninety pages) in a five-pager - and what happened is - because of that I'm unable to root for them.

The scenario been around - good versus evil, family left in the middle...
Still I liked it. And excellent writing.

Kirk White (Level 5)

A solid story. I enjoyed. I like the super hero angle but wonder if the subject of the story would work without that gimmick...if you take away the fantastic, the story itself is not that original. I'd challenge you to come up with a unique angle for the plot that works beyond the super hero super villian thing.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Visual and well-written story with some interesting locations.
Would like to see Jack's epiphany in prison. Not sure what Jack "draws the twelfth 'X' on his calendar" means; maybe the days until his wife and six-year-old daughter visit. The wife shows up, leaves divorce papers, and Jack shares a tender moment with his daughter. He just happens to have a playing card, "an ace of hearts," rips it in half, and says "A man can only live on half a heart for so much?" Is "much" a typo that should be "long?"
There's a good story idea here, but doesn't seem to be enough information about Jack to feel for him. Ten years later, his 17-year-old Maddy (shouldn't she have been seven instead of six when she saw him in prison?) breaks her repentant father out of prison.
Magnus is colorful in his red suit and, later, with "a streak of silver in his hair"; but, there's no connection between him and Jack. Magnus as "the resident super-hero" changes the tone and genre. He suddenly reappears in the "Assembly Room" after ten years have gone by.
Perhaps omit Magnus, have "Mother" visit Jack with Maddy a couple times to watch Jack's relationship with his daughter, and insert a prison incident where Jack does something honorable. Maddy might rescue her father some other way, without the super-hero involvement. Just an idea...

Leonard Walker (Level 3)

Nice redemption story, develops pretty well. Imaginatively told. Script in the small frame shows a big picture. Begins with a good action sequence and concludes that way. Has believable character development. In the end the right person gets rescued.

Still, I have to feel sorry for Jack, seems more incarceration time was just added to his sentence for the prison break instigated by his daughter. Now that’s a tough break!

Found no nits or blemishes. Overall, nicely written.

Good read.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

When I read "animated" I was reading it as like a kid's animation, with a lighter tone. But this story is actually pretty dark.

I like the idea but for me, 5 pages wasn't enough to develop your characters enough. We need to know these people and care about them in order to feel something in the end. I just didn't connect. There was one moment at the jail when Maddy asked her Dad if he was moving with them...that was great. But that was it. Then flash to ten years later, we have no idea what's happened to these people or to their relationships in that time. I feel some story and character development are needed to make this feel complete.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

This was good. It's hard to find an original angle on superheroes. Maybe there aren't any. But this handled some of the main themes nicely.

The emotional arc of Maddy becoming a supervillain like her father felt a bit forced. Maybe it was because she said her motivation out loud. People don't generally say what they mean.

This was well written, the action sequences particularly being good, but in the end the story didn't do anything for me.

Matias Caruso (Level 5)

This was an enjoyable read. I like the original approach – choosing the villain as protagonist instead of the superhero.

This is like a painting that seems a bit too big for the small canvas of the five-page short. The scope of this film is very ambitious since it covers ten years in the life of a villain. You did a good job in choosing the juiciest moments of his life, but I couldn’t help feeling that these moments were rushing past too fast.

Perhaps, given the page constraints, it would have been better to choose one moment in this guy’s life and dig deeper into it?

Enjoyed your writing style, by the way.

Matthew Fettig (Level 5)

Title - I would have preferred something like "Broken Hearts" but that doesn't give you the element needed for the title. Maybe "Broken Ace"? "Split Ace and the Fiend"?

The story was fun but predictable. The elements were decently used. The start was fast and exciting and I think the pace moved along well. Parts of it brought to mind "The Incredibles".

It was nice to get out of the card rooms for a change!

Overall I thought it was very good.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

I like the story, you manage to pack a lot in especially with the both the father and daughter changing and going through a strong character arc.

The tone of the story changes quite drastically from the first scene which is a fun, comic book style opening, into a very dark drama about redemption and a father abandoing his child again in order to redeem himself.

A bit wordy in places with your choice of adjectives but otherwise a good story with the elements used well.

Paul De Vrijer (Level 5)

Strong entry, wish there was more to it then a superhero story though. Still, it’s a great three-acter and it feels much longer than 5 pages. Consider that a compliment. You were able to tell a long story in just 5 pages, quite a feat. And it never really feels rushed.

Only gripe I have with it is that it’s not really all that special. Neither the villain or superhero have a memorable trademark, the prison is nothing special and the only visual distinct thing is the playing card, something we have seen plenty of times before. Wish there was more to distinguish this from other entries. I really like the flow though and there’s a nice good morale behind it. Still, I’m not sold on the way you choose to tell your story. More little details and such would have made a more memorable read.

The title doesn't seem particulary covering either. Fits, but not like a glove.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

I guess the "The Animation" on the cover page means this is intended to be an animated short-film, but I don't know how effective this would be animated. I fully understand as live action, it would take a large budget, but this isn't a kids' movie either. Maybe it could work, what the hell do I know...

The ending, while moral and responsible, is a sad resolution for Maddy.

Your screenwriting is very good, only limit the "orphans" throughout. Those are the lines that only have one word left over from the previous sentence. You have almost ten, not counting in the dialogue and you'd be surprised how much space you could save by tightening that up.

Format overall appears in order. There are some typos throughout.

Pete Barry (Level 5)

This gets off to an action-packed start, and the description throughout has good, terse, exciting superheroic flair. I wish Jack and Magnus could have fought for longer than one right hook, but I understand, it's five pages. This also is the best kind of superhero story, where the characters and underlying emotional drama is the main focus, and the action sequences punctuate it, rather than the other way around.

I found myself not emotionally connecting with Jack at the beginning, which lessened the effect of the story. Maybe I don't get enough insight into Jack's emotional life before Magnus puts him away. I know that's a tall order - revealing character in the middle of a fist fight. But I think I have to really like him from minute one - otherwise, he's the villain, so it's hard to care. The situation is emotionally charged enough - father torn from daughter - to draw me in, but I'm only attached to the situation, not the character.

The dialogue works, though there weren't any lines that really grabbed me. The title is a little unimaginative, you need something with a little more punch for this story.

Still, a fun read, and good luck in the contest.

Ray Bogdanovich (Level 2)

You have clear if plain writing style, which is easy to read. It lacks a certain ambition, but I was never lost. Good job.

The opening scene is a little confusing, with "blurs" and such, but it still reads okay.

I really enjoyed the Jack character. He is strong. On the flip-side, secondary characters (Magnus, etc) could use beefing up.

All in all, a decent job and well done.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

I thought the sentiment was good. Father trying to prevent his daughter from going down the same path he did. I would have liked to see more of the struggles of Maddy and her mom, maybe in a flashback, so that we might understand why she would turn to crime.

I don't see it as an animated film though. Is that what you meant when you had 'The Animation' in the title?

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

Pretty good story, but kinda bland. You need a twist or something to spice it up a little. It was a nice surprise when we found out his rescuer was Maddy, but that wasn't enough -- another twist could have made it much more satisfying.

One question: why make a story about superheroes (and super-villains) if you're not going to feature their powers? Jack doesn't seem to have any powers -- just some kind of ray gun. Magnus comes along and overpowers Jack with unbelievable ease. And what are Magnus' powers? All we see are his super duper punch. Not all that exciting. And then, ten years later, Maddy comes along, and it seems all she has is a ray gun (like Jack's, I guess) and a super car. These are not very impressive super people. If you're gonna make a superhero movie, why not jazz it up a little?

I have a question, too. Why did you specify (on the title page) that this is an animation? It could work just as well (maybe better) as live action. No need to specify, why not let a producer make that decision?

Overall, though, not a bad story. I think you could jazz it up a little if you gave the superheroes more interesting powers, and then added a twist or two into the storyline.

My score: GOOD.

Spencer McDonald (Level 4)

Bravo!! A complete story in 5 pages.

What I liked was the way you drew me into the story, how you introduced supporting character and their pain, then ended with a love connection between father and daughter. This was touching and awesome. I connected with the quick tempo and short action scenes. Totally awesome.

So how can I offer up any help? I feel powerless and unworthy. So here goes. I was not totally clear that Jack was a super hero. It seemed you eluded to the fact. It might have been a bit more clear had we known why he took the cash. What was his motive. Also, more clarity on Magnus. Was he good or bad. I was a bit confused. Anyway, with a second reading I am sure it would come clear to me. Great job on this story. I truly enjoyed it!

Stephen Brown (Level 5)

This was very well written. Good concise descriptions.

The main problem I had with it, is the start didn't seem to match the rest of the script. Jack's change isn't on screen. We see him as the caricature villain at the start then he's the reflective father on the next page. I think to improve the script you need to show why he's the villain in the first place and what makes him change. Getting caught isn't enough of a reason.

I do think this has the potential to be a very nice script but I think it would take more than 5 pages. You need to develop these characters and show what makes them change.

Good stuff though.

Sue Ploeger (Level 3)

First, let me address this fine short script. Your writing, dialogue, prose and characterization are all pretty good. With Maddy’s probable resentment/abandonment issues, her prison break scheme is quite logical. I would like to see a teensy (short) scene in which Jack makes the decision to change his ways, something like: someone calls him Mr. Fiend, and he says, it’s Jack. Just Jack. Then the rest of his arc would make sense. Jack’s dilemma at the end of the short script is whether to deny his true (virtuous) nature and validate Maddy’s identity (which he knows is false), therefore enabling them to be together (in a lie); or to deny her in her fiendish identity and be true to himself, resulting in them being separated again by prison walls. He chooses the latter.
The last scene with Maddy at the docks isn’t the last scene for your short script. It’s the last scene for your feature about Maddy. Feature, you say?

This short script is a beautiful set-up story for a feature about Maddy. Is that where you’re headed with this? Let me tell you where your story took me.
The Fiend (Dad) is a villain with a huge soft spot: Maddy. But by nature he’s still a fiend, so he plunders and gets caught, which in Maddy’s mind is Magnus’ fault. Not Daddy’s fault. Then Maddy must go live with Mother. Again, not Daddy’s fault, but Mother’s fault. Daddy makes a promise that they will be together soon, a promise he doesn’t keep. That’s Maddy’s fault, because she’s not worthy. So at 10, Maddy decides that if she can become worthy, Daddy will love her enough to break out of jail and join her. She trains, plans, invents; she suffers through home life with life-suppressing, Daddy-hating Mother. She has 10 years to build up her anger/frustration/resentment/guilt complex.
She decides to break him out herself; he will stay with her since she has proven herself worthy of his love. For a moment, he is hers. Then he denies her fiendish nature, which she has adopted in order to make him proud of her. One final try to prove herself; she tries to murder Magnus, their arch nemesis, but Daddy stops her. He has invalidated her very nature; denied his own nature. He has abandoned her. She is alone. And really pissed off.
I think the last scene of your short script (IMHO) should be her “fuck you” at the world and becoming a truly fiendish villain. That would be true to everything that came before in relation to her Dad and Mother.

If I were writing the feature, it would be about her eventual realization that her SuperVillain mask doesn’t work for her anymore. It doesn’t keep the pain out and it’s keeping her from getting what she’s wanted all along, love and respect. It’s a long row to hoe, and it could be a great movie. IMHO.

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

Loved it! Great action, fun & convincing characters, good story. I especially enjoyed the subtle use of the criteria - all the elements appeared naturally as the plot unfolded. Methinks a winner this.

Teo Gonzalez (Level 4)

I like very much the action parts in your story. Pages one and three are great, vibrant, fast paced, and very well written. It is very easy to get sucked into the story. Pages two and four are slower. They provide a good roller-coaster sensation, and I think they complement the others very well. Up to that point, I like your story. You handle format pretty well. You are very good with action. And you obviously have the ability to write visually. The only grey areas I see pertain to the characters. I don't give it too much weight, though, because it is only five pages, and it is quite a task to get a well rounded story in such a short space. If I was granted a wish, I would ask that the characters were a bit deeper. Still, like I said, that is quite alright because you bring a number of other brilliant qualities to your work.
But then, I get to page five. To me, and I want to make clear that I know it is just my opinion -- which I know it weights almost as much as a down feather -- it doesn't measure up to the rest. I don't know very well why, but I am going to venture two possible reasons. First, page five breaks the "roller-coaster effect" you had going on all through the story. And second, to me, the story resolution itself is a little bland. I am not saying that the "do the right thing" is not the right thing to do, but I certainly feel that this ending needsto be spiced up -- as much as possible, indeed, to compensate for the action void since page three.
On a separate note, I want to point your attention to the top of page five. You write:

"Jack hobbles over to the superhero and examines him.

Magnus is still breathing but unconscious. He turns to his
daughter."

The pronoun in "He turns to his daughter" is not as explicit as it should be, and, for an instant, it breaks the flow of the reading. If I may, I would recommed you use the name of the person directly.

Thomas W. Brown (Level 4)

This was a decent take on the contest. You seem to have a good foundation for a story here, but I feel that it's a little rushed within the five pages. If you were able to expand on this and give yourself a little time to build the characters, you would have a winner. As it stands though, the quick succession events gives me no time to get a feel for your main character as a person.

One thing that bothers me: when his wife hands him the envelope that reads "Divorce Papers" - I imagine that on camera and it had me laughing. It might be an idea to let Jack's reaction indicate what's in the envelope, or better yet display the name of the law firm. Cheers, and best of luck on the re-write!

Tim Ratcliffe (Level 4)

This one was really good. Probably the only thing I didn't like about it was I thought Magnus was an odd name for a superhero. Everything else worked well IMO. Perhaps it would've been good for us to see Jack have some kind of an epiphany and decide to change his ways, but that might be hard to do in the amount of pages you have to work with.

Tracey Brown (Level 3)

This was well-written and well-executed, but the story was ultimately disappointing. The ending did not grab me.

But, boy, the execution! Everything ran like clockwork, with scarcely a 'stubbed toe' moment (you know, when you run into a piece of the script that makes you come to a painful stop). Lovely characterisations, succinct dialogue, lively but not novelistic descriptions.

I saw one typo/spelling mistake ('interrupts' only had one 'r'), and one typo ('n' missing in envelope). If I'm being pedantic, 'hail of bullets' is singular, so it should be 'hits' and 'makes'.

Comments Made After the Contest

Kevin Carty (Level 4) ~ 4/1/2010 12:56 AM

Oh well, I called this an animation for exactly the reasons why people would say.
Maddy couldn't take on Magnus... etc. Where Maddy got the truck. etc etc.
I don't think this is too dark probably the lightest thing that I've written.

The story is just about change. It is just about looking at it through a criminal's eyes. I hope I can make it more clear in the future who my characters are because I honestly don't know how much more clear to make my writing. I really tried to spell it out on this one.

The ending was a problem that I didn't know how to fix until the March 2nd. I really didn't want to use words or dialogue at the end. I just wanted to show and not tell.

I was really trying to show that she was giving up the family business of super villainy. I made her 17 so that she still has time to change. I didn't want to do the whole. If you've ever had someone in jail I figured that sometimes 10 yrs and losing your family might be change enough.

Anyways thanks for the reviews.

Brian Howell (Level 5) ~ 4/10/2010 11:22 AM

The re-write is much better. I like the ending, it still accomplishes your goal of him changing and making things right, but it doesn't feel sappy or over dramatic.

You have a good style to your writing.

Maddy was better in this one. I buy into her breaking him out of prison and sneak attacking Magnus, this works.

The dialogue was much better too.

Very good work.