Comments Made During the Contest

Aaron Scott (Level 4)

I like the idea. I with there was more space for you to stretch your story out. I also think there were too many inanimate objects for such a short piece. Maybe two so we can focus more on the main tension.

Aralis Bloise (Level 4)

It's a cute premise but it started to fall apart for me at the middle. Why are the ruler and the scissors threatening the alarm clock? At first I thought they were threatening Andy, but he's not in the room, is he?
I also thought the object's have a change of heart pretty quick. Why are they helping him do homework all of a sudden ? And then he doesn' even clean the room at the end. Has he learned nothing?

Bill Clar (Level 5)

The title doesn't fit your story. Andy wasn't specifically grounded by his mother.

I like your story, but the tone is a bit dark. "Why don't you just hang me?" That's rather disturbing for a ten year old to say. The rules wishes it was sharp enough to cut off Andy's head. The calculator says "goddammit" to Andy. Darkness is fine, but it contrasts your positive theme of personal responsibility.

My only suggestion regards the amount of animate characters in your script. You have about ten if my count is correct. That's a lot for a five page script. You could easily get away with trimming three or four. I suggest omitting the Gameboy, pen, and duct tape.

I don't understand the ruler's reaction at the end. Why would it think a clean room is a nightmare?

Brendan Olenick (Level 1)

A very uniquely strange idea. One that, I suppose, is a little bit lost on me. Inanimate objects coming to life to teach a bad kid a lesson... I feel like I've heard that one before... It doesn't really make clear exactly how bad of a kid the boy is, nor really do I know what he has done wrong other than not do his homework..

Brian Howell (Level 5)

It's okay. I'll vote GOOD. Nothing really stood out to me. It's formatted and written well. It read quickly. I followed the story. But there was nothing special about it, nothing memorable.

I also don't understand at the end why the ruler thinks it's a nightmare.

GOOD job.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

This was written and paced pretty well. I liked the concept, but I thought it could have been better executed.

I thought some of Andy's dialogue seemed rigid and unnatural for a child of 10 years old to be saying.

The story was okay and I think it would make for a good kid-friendly short film, but it really didn't entertain me all that much. I think it may have worked better if you got rid of the first and last scenes and let the whole script take place in his room. That would give us a chance to get to know the "characters" a little better. As it is, they all seemed fairly bland. And what was up with the ball of mud in his room? I guess that was point of confusion for me.

Anyway, nice effort. Write on.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

I wish you lose your head - I wish you would lose your head?

A shiny SCISSORS - A shiny pair of SCISSORS (this might be Brit English!)

The TEACHER (32) - is her exact age REALLY that important?

I felt Jefferson's conversion was a little too easy.

This would make a good animation!

Chris Keaton (Level 5)

- Your action blocks have too much action. You need to break them up to what you see in a frame.
- Homework 'all of them' I always thought it was an it?
- Why is your page number in the middle of the page?
- An Earth GLOB, ooo nasty.
Hahaha, sure you had typos, but I liked the story so you get an Excellent from me.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

I thought this was fun - all the different items in Andy's room coming to life. I'm not sure it felt entirely original and the story did had an odd ending, why is it "a nightmare"? Also, why do they all come to life? Lastly, there was something odd about this pdf, that made the letters a bit hard to read.

David Birch (Level 5)

i thought this one came really close to what was asked for in this month's challenge...you brought those inanimate objects to life...the story was a little on the "g" rated side for me, so i didn't understand the inclusion of the "swear" words...that seemed a little out of place...other than that, the only other comment i have is the page numbers should be in the upper right hand corner...but overall very nice...good job!

Dusty Fincher (Level 3)

I actually liked this one quite a bit. Like a deranged "Toy Story" or something. It was hard to tell if this was really happening or if it was all in Andy's head. Or was it in the objects' heads? I enjoyed it.

The only things I can think of are a couple of technical issues. You missed a period in there and capitalized something that didn't need it and I think the PEN is supposed to say "I wish you WOULD lose your head" or something to that effect.

That said, I liked the tone of it all and I liked that the objects looked like they could be on the verge of going crazy on the poor kid. Enjoyed the dialogue as well. All around well done.

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

Very inventive take on the challenge. You brought everything to life.

Although I don't keep up on young adult, or children stories, I think this might make a nice animated piece. I thought you did a very good job with the limited space. Our young protagonist Andy even went through a little character arc. Nice.

The writing is tight, very good job.

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

A cute story. Here are some notes because I noticed several small things.

“He whips his lunchbox at Jefferson’s back side..” You had two periods for the ending punctuation.

“He heads up stairs.” Should be upstairs.

If you can say the same thing with less words then consider doing so. Example: “He plops down on the side of his bed, head in hands.” Consider instead: “He plops down on his bed, head in hands.”

“The Dictionary papers flip.” Think the following works better: “The dictionary pages flip.”

Herman Chow (Level 5)

I loved this. It was so fun in the middle with all those bickering. The dialogues are excellent.

But how come the ball is more sympathetic than the others? Maybe Andy treated the ball nicely before?

I think this garners an EXCELLENT.

James Hughes (Level 5)

I enjoyed this script, it was fun to read. It was simple and straightforward compared to others I have read so far and so I like the fact that you were creative but yet not over the top. I like that the books at school tell him something to help him get back at the bully. That was a nice addition.

There were a couple of typos. I'm sure everyone will point them out for you.

I don't understand why the ruler says it is a nightmare? Why are the alarm clock's digits blinking, that is what happens to my clock when the power goes off and comes back on. I think that last little part needs to be reworked slightly.

Two lines seemed out of place - "what was that guy smoking" and when the calculator says goddammit. This seemed like a movie for kids, so those two lines could be reworded to keep in line with the rest of it.

I give this a very good.

Jeannie Sconzo (Level 5)

Scene 1 had a natural believable flow about it. In the third scene there's no need to list Carol as being off screen. That's a decision for production.

I enjoyed the visuals presented by the montage.
No need to say Montage of shoot, just Montage will suffice and no need to say end of montage.

Sorry to say the end was a bit weak and not sure as to why the items in his room turned on him.

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

I'm not sure what Andy and Jeff's relationship is. If Jeff is that big of a bully to eat his lunch, then Andy would have no words for him or dare to swipe his lunchbox at his backside.

"Andy is not in the mood" I like that description.

"I'll hug you twice tomorrow" Ha!

"stops at the fifth stair" How many steps are there? There could be four and he's on an invisible step. :) No but seriously, I'm assuming in the middle, but why not say that?

He actually hit Jefferson? I thought he just swung at him.

"not before you finish your homework. All of them" You meant "All of IT."

"Andy's eyes grow wider yet" Cut out "yet"

"A shiny scissors in an open drawer glistens" I would have put. "Scissor in an open drawer glisten."

He crawled in his bed? He would have ran out the room!

"goddamn it" what kind of audience are you looking to attract? I thought this was a kids movie.

I like that fact that you didn't really tell us how Andy knew Jefferson ripped the pages. It was sort of implied.

Why was a clean room a nightmare? Did the scissors have anything to do with it?

I thought this was kind of scattered. It needed more structure.

Kevin Carty (Level 4)

hmmm. Kind of ok. Just ok though. I didn't really love this scissors talking but just didn't strike me as characters just things that supposedly talk.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

Why it's all VO - because we can't hear them talk? Maybe it's up for the director to decide. And then does it matter - it's animation after all. Is it animation though? I hope it is.

"The scissors glisten" - this is funny. There are many funny moments in your script. I liked it very much. A little short of focus for me because you have two ideas that are not glued to each other very well, I think. Bullying and Andy's untidiness. I think you could make it just about Andy and his untidiness --just a thought. An easy read though. Straight forward. I liked it, thanks.

Kirk White (Level 5)

Interesting premise but a little disjointed and unclear to really make this a standout piece. I didn't see a real need in him at the beginning to warrant the magic...why did it happen TODAY of all days? I think there is solid potential but I need to have an arc, an inherant flaw (and I'm assuming it's his destructive temper but don't see enough of it at the beginning in his behavior) to sink in for this journey. And I didn't understand your last image...or see how it resolved the story.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

A simple story with message. Reminiscent of "Toy Story"; toys just want to be treated more kindly.
Characters are easy to follow. Did the math and find it interesting that Carol was only 17, a teenage mom, when she had Andy ten years ago; although, there's no reference made to it in the story.
Like the Dictionary's funny comment, "Do you know who should be sorry? The one who thought I would make a good present for your birthday!" Perhaps Andy should have used his threat to expose Jefferson and his page-ripping at the beginning; he wouldn't have gotten in trouble.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

Somehow Andy doesn't sound like a 10-year-old to me. His dialogue feels older.

Some of the lines were chuckle-able. I was left wondering why Ball would be the only one on Andy's side in all this. The impression one gets is that Andy must be a really mean kid, if he "treats" all his possessions badly, but wasn't Andy the one getting the short end of the first scene?

"Earth glob" That misspelling is pretty funny.

Actually, the main story seems to have nothing to do with the school bully. And then the twist at the end is kinda confusing. Do the ruler and scissors really dislike a clean room, such that they'd make an implicit threat to Andy's life?

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

That was funny. I liked the gentle humor you built up over the script.

I also liked how the story came full circle, making the ending satisfying.

'MONTAGE OF SHOOTS' should be 'SHOTS'

I was a little creeped out by the last line.

Very good.

Matias Caruso (Level 5)

Ha! Pretty funny. Loved how these things humiliated this boy while teaching him a valuable lesson at the same time.

Excellent.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

very cute. I'm pretty sure Andy is the kid's name in Toy Story which this is reminiscent of.

Very well written and visual. The inanimate objects could have done with yhaving more individual voices i.e the dictionary using only big, pompous words, the pen having a lisp etc

some typos glob/globe.

Paul De Vrijer (Level 5)

I feel this is a very rushed script. Lots of loose ends and a really unnecessary ending. Your reader is going to know when you rush things. Like how you leave the room messy, then later (at the end) it's clean. Why do that? Why not make it clean at the turning point of the montage. You planned on getting back to it, but had too little page left.

I do like the main idea for the short, but its rushed and I feel like the items aren't used really well. I think only the dictionary makes a quip about himself and his function. All the others could have just been random items. Would be more interesting if it synced up better.

It's hard to do slice-of-life interesting (which is basically what this is) would be nicer if the goals weren't so cliché. Getting bullied and doing homework, needs to be a lot more intersting. It can be something simple like making it more memorable. It's not just homework, it's homework about dragons or something. Make it connect. Maybe it's about robots, or animated items even. Good luck on the rewrite.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

Another cute and harmless submission this month that could make for a nice animated movie.

Your screenwriting is very good. There are some minor formatting issues. Didn't detect any major typos.

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5)

The idea in here has potential and the battle against the bully gives it a strong element. However for me I struggled to buy in to the talking stuff and I didn't really engage with the characters so it fell a little flat.

In the middle of the script it plays along amusingly, however I'm not seeing what is at stake so that might be a reason I'm not engaged.

"Back off Andy!" - Living toys with an owner called Andy. I've seen that movie!

"earth glob#e# spins"

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

This is the second script I've read where common things in the room suddenly jump to life, much like Toy Story, but there's no inciting incident -- nothing that happens that brings them to life so, why that day? That was my biggest problem. The script was fine in terms of delivering on the challenge but the objects just randomly chimed in with dialogue and sprung to life without cause or reason and for me, that would make the script. I did like that bookended the action with Andy's lunch sandwich but I wanted more in between the bread slices. Thanks for sharing this. One typo I noticed - Montage of Shoots should be 'shots.'

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

Kinda cute.

One thing seems to be missing, though -- the set-up. It seems like the point of the story is that Andy mistreats his belongings, so when they have him trapped in his room (a captive audience, so to speak) they decide to teach him a lesson. He learns the lesson, and shares it with his classmates at school. He even uses his newfound friendshp with inanimate objects to scare off the big kid who's been bullying him.

But, we never saw Andy mistreat his belongings, so why do they decide to teach him a lesson in the first place? That part of the story seems to be missing.

Otherwise, it's a cute little fable.

My score: GOOD.

Stephen Brown (Level 5)

This was ok but the set-up you gave didnt seem to have any relevance to the story.

Kid gets picked on so hits back - Mom's angry - objects start talking to him and complain about his messiness -

The start really needed to show he doesn't respect his belongings or something like that. It felt very out of place when all the objects started talking to him so I think you needed to do a better job of setting that up.

Overall though, good dialogue and well written. Could use some more thought for how you set-up the premise though.

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

This was fun and original and I wanted to like it more than I did. By turns it was comedic and sinister - it needed more of both... or something. The end kinda went nowhere.

I suggest tightening up the focus of this story and give it more resolution. Is it revenge on the bully? What does Andy do to make that happen?

Teo Gonzalez (Level 4)

This is a cute story. The ending, though, seems a little dislodged to me.

In the third scene, ANDY”S ROOM, I assume that he's inside while his mother remains on the other side of the door. If that is the case, she should be V.O. Instead O.S. Because she's not at the location of the scene.

In keeping with that, all the dialogues of the shoes, dust ball, gameboy, ruler, etc., should be formated without V.O. I don't know what your reasoning was to V.O. Them, but the matter of fact is that they are your characters as much as Andy is, and they are at the location and on screen just like he is; therefore, the same format applies.

A few lines below, there's something that sounds like an inconsistency. One of Andy's shoes hits a dusty gameboy, but then the console says it is “new here.” I know it's a silly detail, but it's made stop reading – so I mention it in case you feel like to do something about it.

You made a very good use of the montage and the slugs after it.

Then, the ending is good. I just feel that it breaks a little. All of the sudden, Andy warns Jefferson about the teacher and the torn book, and I just couldn't figure out what had happened. I had to go back and read it again to finally understand that Andy and the book are in cahoots. In my opinion, you should try to do that clear enough so that one read is all the reader needs – and because that's all that many readers will give you.

Then, the very last scene I don't get. I've read it, reread it, reread it, and reread it, and all I can tell you is that, to me, it makes no sense. As it stands, it feels like you take a kids' movie – with the exception of the dialogue about drugs, of course – and in the last five lines you change into a seventies horror movie.

Once again, I bet I'm missing something; but it is your job to make sure that that doesn't happen.

Good luck.

Thomas W. Brown (Level 4)

I like this script, it's got a playful feel to it. I like all the smart talking furnishings. They make for some hilarious moments. I do want to know; after cutting Andy up, they decide to help him. Is it a one last chance sort of thing? Must be. I like how Andy use the book's knowledge to defend himself from Jefferson near the end. That was a great way of tying everything together. Overall, I'm a fan. Cheers!

Comments Made After the Contest

Chris Keaton (Level 5) ~ 5/1/2010 1:48 AM

Ok, so people didn't really score it that high, who cares, I gave you an excellent. :)

Thomas W. Brown (Level 4) ~ 5/1/2010 9:19 AM

I really enjoyed this piece, although I only gave it a VG. Loved the jive talking room furnishings. Keep it up!

Herman Chow (Level 5) ~ 5/1/2010 3:41 PM

I gave you an excellent as well. I really liked the dialogue of the inanimate objects.

Ammar Salmi (Level 5) ~ 5/2/2010 3:30 PM

Thank you Chris, Thomas, and Herman. I'm so glad to hear that from you. But low scores are impotant too. The high scores tell you to keep writing, and the low scores tell you to keep learning. And with the both, having one of your scripts produced is just a matter of time. I don't know though, but an excellent for me seems to be much more helpful than the other scores. ;p
Thanks again.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5) ~ 5/2/2010 9:54 PM

You did good, buddy!

Margaret Ricke (Level 5) ~ 5/2/2010 10:00 PM

I just read Keaton's comment above, and I beg to differ (who'd have thunk it? ;P ) You scored very well. Only 24% were rated fair, and there were NO poor ratings. Everything else was good or better. That's sweet!

Margaret Ricke (Level 5) ~ 5/2/2010 10:09 PM

Wait... Keaton gave you an excellent! He's a genius!

Ammar Salmi (Level 5) ~ 5/3/2010 5:25 AM

If it wasn't for you the scrip wouldn't get such score.
Thanks a thousand.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5) ~ 5/3/2010 11:37 AM

"The high scores tell you to keep writing, and the low scores tell you to keep learning."

This quote should be printed in bold all over the front page of MoviePoet. Well said.